Clary felt as if her heart was trying to free itself from the prison of her rib cage. It pounded in her her chest, as if it was pleading, banging at the walls of her insides. Her legs were trying to turn against her brain, barely moving forwards through the doors of he hospital. The only thing that kept Clary going was Jace's hand enveloping her own, occasionally giving it a reassuring squeeze.
When Clary finally made it through the doors and into the prestige white building, Jace lead her over to the front desk, where luckily, he did all the talking.
"Hello, we're here to see Jocelyn Fray." He said.
The man typed something into the computer before looking up and telling them which room her mother was recovering in. They walked over to the elevator and Clary pressed the button labelled four with shaky fingers. Jace took her hand, now possessing both of them in his own, balancing the two sketch books between his legs. Clary didn't know how he could make that look so frick'n graceful, but somehow he did.
" Clary. You need to calm down. The more skittish you are, the harder it's gonna be for your mom to regain her memory. She needs you to be you right now."
Clary knew he was right, but all she wanted to do was scream. Scream because this was s'o unfair. Scream because she didn't deserve this. Scream because she just felt like screaming. Instead she forced herself to take in a deep breath and calm her racing heart beat. She took back the sketch books from Jace then lightly kissed him on the cheek.
" How do you always know what to say?" she asked, half to herself.
" I don't." He answered. " I just know when not to welcome the silence."
The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Clary walked through them already feeling herself loosing the battle to stay calm. She could almost hear the annoying voice of what she imagined was anxiety in her head. 'victory!' It yelled. Clary wished she could punch it in the face.
Clary had been so lost in her own mind that she hadn't noticed that they had already made to the room labelled 'Jocelyn Fray'.
" This is it." she said nervously.
"Clary, you're not going to die in there. You're just stopping by to talk to your mother. It's only thirty minutes, remember our deal? Thirty minutes in there, then I'll talk to you about Jonathan."
Clary nodded momentarily unable to speak.
" Do you want me to go in with you?" Jace asked concerned.
" No." she whispered, not trusting her own voice. This, she decided, was something she had to do on her own. So she gathered up all the courage she could muster, moved the two sketch books into one arm and opened the door.
Jocelyn lay in her bed, not sleeping, but too still to be deemed awake. She looked like she was in some sort of trans. As if the news of her life had completely broke her, down to the very bones under her skin.
" Jocelyn?" Clary said cautiously. She'd contemplated calling her mom, but eventually decided against it. She didn't want to cause her mother any more stress than as necessary.
Jocelyn turned her head a the sound of her name.
" Hello Clary. Have you come to try and help me?" Clary's mom sounded so empty, so lost that it was a miracle that Clary hadn't bolted out of the room, right then and there.
" Ummm… Yeah. I brought you these to help you uh, jog your memories a bit." She handed the sketch books to her mother awkwardly. She stared as her mother flipped the pages with widening eyes. Clary had brought two sketch books. One was filled with the portraits of Clary, while the other was just the sketch book that Jocelyn was working in before she'd be Taken away.
" Oh my god." Jocelyn whispered to herself. " I remember drawing these." She looked up at Clary's confused expression and explained, as best she could, what was going on in her head.
" I remember myself drawing these pictures, but I don't remember actually looking at you, or anything that was happening before during or after. I just remember seeing my own hands drawing these lines on this paper."
There was little progress after that. The rest of the meeting mainly consisted of Clary filling her mother in on their life.
" Is your full name Clarissa?" Jocelyn asked at one point.
Clary nodded, almost hopeful for a second.
" I thought so," Jocelyn said lost in thought again, " I've always wanted a daughter named Clarissa." Jocelyn must have then noticed the hurt betrayed in Clary's eyes, because she quickly tried to fix her mistake.
" I mean, I always knew when I'd have a daughter I'd name her Clarissa."
Clary smiled, tried to cover up how much this whole conversation was killing her inside. When her eyes finally landed on the clock on the wall, and saw that her time was up, a wave of relief flooded over her. She excused herself from the room, and told her mother she'd probably come back in about two days.
Jace was already waiting for her outside the room, two cups o steaming coffee in his hands.
" I went down to Java Jones while you were with your mom. I got a black coffee."
Clary grinned and took the coffee, sipping the heavenly caffeinated substance as if it was her only life line, and she was about to die.