"Do you have these in a seven?"
I hear that question a hundred times a day, and every single time I wish I still had the power to turn them into seaweed. But that's the way isn't it, darling? One minute you're floating to the top, the next you're riding the currents belly up. You've heard of me, I'm sure. I used to be a witch, then I was a loan shark...now, now I sell shoes. But honestly, angel fish, when you have eight legs a good employee discount makes all the difference...but it does force me to suffer through endless conversations about foot pain. There was a time when I would have given them a fin or a tail, now all I can do is grant them a return. This is Ursula, welcome to Poor Unfortunate Soles, how may I be of assistance. I'll see them wriggle like a worm on a-
The door to the store opens. Ursula stands behind the counter with a painted on smile.
"Oh my, what marvelous shoes. Everything here is just so adorable, it really is." said a small, pudgy woman in a colorless frock. Ursula grimaced as she watched.
Ahh...what I could have done for this woman in my hay-day. She could be a little thinner, a little prettier, a little more...well, desirable. And all it would have taken was a little bargain...not the kind that I currently offer, but a bargain nonetheless. Oh, whatever will I do with myself?
"I was coming in, because I've begun developing something of a sore on the right side of my foot."
The woman pulls down her stockings and exposes her discolored and aggressively veiny ankle. Ursula takes a step back behind the counter.
Come to think of it, I think I actually have a little something in the back that could help, all she'd have to do is pay a nominal fee….oh, Ursula, you delightfully wicked bitch!
"The only way to really get what you want...is to find the perfect shoe?"
"Literally the only reason that I'd be in a shoe store. Can you help me?"
"My dear sweet child, that's what I do!"
Oh, god! That's what I do….what is wrong with me!
"Let me show you around."
Ursula starts flouncing around pulling various shoes off the wall and throwing them toward the woman.
"This one will make you thinner! This one will help you get the girl, if you're into that. Can these help you? Yes, they do!"
"That's fascinating, I really just need-"
"People flock in crying, "help me, Ursula please!" and do I work my magic? Yes indeed!"
"Really, that's great. I just need a pair of super comfortable-"
"You do have money, don't you darling?"
"What? Of course I do, why would you ask that?"
"Poor Unfortunate Soles is meant to help those in pain and in need….of a good shoe! Some can't pay the price, and I'm afraid that I've had to rake them cross the coals."
"They shoplifted and you called the security officer?"
"Of course, I raked them cross the coals. What else do you think that means?"
"Seriously...I have no idea. Has anyone ever told you that you kind of act like a creepy witch? Makes me a little uncomfortable."
"Yes, in the past I've been a nasty, they were just kidding when they called me a witch. But I have the highest sales at Poor Unfortunate Soles!"
"Good for you, but really...I just need a new pair of shoes. Something simple, walking shoe, maybe."
"Ahh...yes, I can do that. I can give you a shoe that will insure a handsome suitor in 3 days, it takes 3 days of merciless stalking to get a man to notice you, darling."
"I'm married, so…"
"And on the third day, you've got to get him to kiss you. If he doesn't, he's gay. And we don't want to be a beard, now do we, darling?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, no sweetheart, a woman should never speak."
"Are you serious, no...are you serious, right now?"
"All a man cares about is how your ass looks in apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur. And with our newest boots, everyone will be looking at her. And then she can say, I got these from Poor Unfortunate Soles! It's all in the body language, Angel Fish!"
"I'm gonna go…"
"Wait! I can make you deal. Two for the price of one…"
"Really? No weird stuff?"
"Of course. Oh,but we haven't discussed the subject of payment. How silly of me."
"We just did. Literally, not ten seconds ago. You said I could have two for the price of one."
"Ahh, but I never said what the price was…"
"What is it?"
"Your voice."
"Bye."
"Flotsam! Jetsam! Get out here!"
The woman turns to leave, and two overweight pimply stockboys walk out on to the sales floor.
"Lady, we keep telling you our names are Steve and Phil. What do you need."
"The boss needs your assistance. Convince this charming customer to buy some of our fabulous shoes!"
"Did she try to charge you for your voice?"
"She did."
"Look, lady...the prices are right here. You're literally never going to have to trade shoes for a voice."
"But I must help these people's poor unfortunate soles! What will they do without me?"
"Buy shoes?"
"But I am the employee of month here at Poor Unfortunate Soles!"
"No, no you're not!"
"Yes I am."
"You're the worst employee that we've ever had. You're not our boss, you're not our top seller, as a matter of fact, we have had so many complaints about you that we have had to start your own file."
"Yes, I've had the odd complaint, but on the whole I've been pretty great…"
"No you haven't. Ma'am. Would you excuse us?"
Phil leads Ursula into a back office. She sits at the table.
"Look, we're gonna have to let you go…"
"But I'm under contract."
"No, you're not. You make like eight bucks an hour."
Ursula picks up a bowl of popcorn from the break room counter and holds it out in front of her.
"What are you doing?"
"Beluga! Sevruga come winds of the Caspian sea! Laratias Glacitas, and Max Unemployment I bestow unto me!"
"What the hell?"
"You will rue the day you fired the great Ursula from your petty establishment. I will become the ruler of all the branches. Soon Ursula will be in control!"
"No she won't"
"You are incorrect."
"I'm busy. Can you go?"
"So am I, I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day."
"No, that's not right. You do have all day because you are no longer employed. You literally have all the time in the world, to do whatever it is that you do…play with your grandkids?"
"How dare you! I'm twenty-six years old! Look in that mirror!"
Phil turns to the mirror, Ursula's appearance pouts back at him.
"I don't have time for this…"
"No! Not that mirror, that one!" Ursula points dramatically at a stainless steel cabinet. A young, sexy woman's reflection appears.
"See, I'm positively gorgeous!"
"That's not you, that's Vanessa. She just started here. She's your replacement."
Ursula turns to see a beautiful brunette entering the break room.
"Fine, I can see when I'm not wanted. You'll regret this when you see me in the gutter, wasted away to practically nothing, banished and exiled and practically starving! All because you no longer want me here at Poor Unfortunate Soles."
"Honey, you got a long way to go to get to "nothing". Now can you please leave...please."
"How dare you! I will be-"
"Leave."
Ursula scowls at Phil before turning away.
"You'll be sorry, you'll all be sorry! You fools! You, you, you idiots!"
She storms out of the store and turn to face the doors for a last time.
"Poor unfortunate soul…I'm just a poor unfortunate soul, because I no longer work at Poor Unfortunate Soles."
Ursula turns and walks down the hall. As she turns toward the parking lot, she sees a woman in a long black outfit leaning against the wall.
"How's the real world treating you, dear?"
Ursula looks again. A smile creeps across her lips.
"Maleficent…how are you, my darling?"
"About as good as you. You look busy."
"Not anymore, I just got canned by a child…are we ever going to be able best a teenager? Seriously, you'd think we'd learn by now."
"We don't. But others do. I think we should follow their example. Do you want to be a villain again?"
"More than anything, darling! More than anything. But can you do that?"
"It's what I live for…why don't you walk with me. We have much to discuss."