Last time on Crystal Stars Z Abridged, Mario began his journey down Wiggler Way. Wait, is that some kind of innuendo?
Mario rushed down the huge road, thinking to himself. "This is going to be the longest, toughest journey I've ever made. I have to receive King Lubba's training and battle the biggest threat to the planet we've ever faced! I have to run as fast as I can. I have to keep running for the sake of the Earth, humanity, and my fam-"
Comically, he had caught up with a polishing truck and leapt onto it to take a nap. As it cornered on a sharp turn, he shifted, falling off the truck, smacking into the side of the road, and falling straight off Wiggler Way.
He smashed into the ground in the Underwhere a few moments later, and was approached by two large figures. "Oh, who do we have here?"
"A little girly man, yah." Mario stood up, brushing off his back.
"I'm Mario. Who are you?" They spoke from left to right.
"I am Sledge!"
"Und I am Mallet!" Now they chanted in unison.
"Und ve are here to pump-" They clapped once. "YOU UP!" Mario blinked for a moment, then spoke up.
"Ooookay, but I'm-"
"First ve are going to do a hundred skvats!" (Man, I love writing accents.)
"Und zen a bunch of push-ups on the hard ground!"
"Und zen a bunch of jumping jacks, OOOOOO!" Sledge grinned a bit questionably. Mario raised an eyebrow.
"That...sounds like...fun? But I'm sort of in a hurry. How do I get out of here?" Mallet pointed at his forehead correctingly.
"Ach, no, zere's no vay out of here unless you manage to beat us in a test of strength and speed."
"Yah! Lots of running und vrestling und sveat!"
"Und grappling each other on the cold ground, yah!" Mario had an idea for the first time in a while.
"Okay...Let's say we went through all that. Then where would you say the exit is?" Sledge pointed across the way to a huge cliff with a tiny gap in the bottom.
"Oh, its right over zere." Mallet piped up.
"Yah, but you have to beat us firs-Ach! He's running away!" Mario was already ten yards ahead, and turned back to talk.
"Hey, before I go, have you seen my brother Weegee? Spiky mustache, tail?" Mallet grimaced.
"Ach, yes. He made a horrible mess of ze blood fountain." Mario looked over to the fountain spurting the thick red liquid.
"Looks fine to me."
"IT USED TO BE VATER!" Mario blinked.
"Wow...Well, I'm going now. And by the way, thanks for the fruit!" He held up a small, round fruit.
"Ach! He has a piece of ze fruit! Ach nein, don't eat ze fruit. Don't eat ze fruit!" As he spoke, Mario chomped into the morsel, devouring it in a mere three bites.
"Bye!" He rushed off, leaving the two speaking to one another.
"Ach, now ve can't make ze salad for King Grambi's barbeque!" Mallet pouted to himself.
"Yah, and Midbus is going to bring something totally kickass und ve vill have nothing!"
"I AM SO MAD!"
"Yah, let us go work off our stress by pounding Hoohoo blocks and older model hammers."
"Yah, and zen ve can go smashing on our worktable." They turned around and walked off together.
"I'll grab ze graphite!"
Meanwhile, back on Earth...wait, that's got to be some kind of innuendo.
Mallow shivered on top of a gigantic boulder, looking over the side in terror as a Pokey slithered about in the distance. "I can't believe Yoshi left me up here like this! How am I supposed to get down from here?"
In the distance, Yoshi yelled back an answer in annoyance. "Cliiiiimb doooown!"
"I can't even get any food or water. What should I do?"
"I said cliiiimb doooown!" Mallow took a moment to look around.
"If only I had some sticks or reeds laying around, I could make a makeshift ladder or a rope..."
"EEEEERRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
On the Elder's Lookout, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Waluigi, and Luigi were all gathered to train. The Elder stood in his doorway to speak to them. "You have all come here to train on my Lookout, but since I am quite old, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Mrs. Mimi." He walked in past the green lady. "Mrs. Mimi, you know what to do."
"Yes, Elder." She stepped forward as the door closed. "Alright, maggots, listen up. Mimi's about to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the Sworms in the dirt, Mimi's stool, the Elder, then Mimi. Any questions?" Luigi started up.
"Um, yeah...I w-AAAAAHHHHH!" He flew off the edge of the Lookout, leaving Mimi smiling sadistically. Luigi owned count: 3
"Enjoy the climb back up, bitch! Now, any more questions?" Silence. "Good. Then we can begin."
(Not editing this, since...well...you know...Smash Bros Brawl and all that. It's gold as it is.)
Back on Wiggler Way, Mario was back to running. "Okay, no more diversions. This is really important. No more sidetr-oooh, a house!" He stopped in front of a gigantic mansion on the side of the road. "Ooh, is that a snaAAHH!" The mouth on the mansion's decoration had opened up and sucked him in. He flew through a small pipe and was spat onto the floor of a huge room, groaning in pain.
Meanwhile, a communications call was going on between two members of the household. A ringing on a com, then a voice. "Princess Snake, you have a visitor!"
"Ah, perfect. Now let me assess the situation from here." From within a window, Princess Snake looked across Mario curiously. "Well, he's quite the hunk of manmeat, but what's with the mustache?" She pushed the door open, thinking to herself in that special voice of hers. "Ah, I just love this fur coat, especially since I killed all the animals for it myself." As she approached Mario, his eyes bulged.
"Huh? You don't look like you'd be King Lubba." She blushed as she spoke.
"What, did my magnificent breasts tip you off?" He blinked.
"W-What?"
"Nothing. Are you hungry?"
"YEAH! I could eat anything right now!" She grinned.
"Me too."
"What?"
"Nothing. Take a seat." He did just that, and as he began to eat, she continued to speak. "I killed everything here with my bare hands, including the bear hands. It's a PUN!" Mario continued to stuff his face as he spoke.
"I cabt beleeb bu tuk aw dees dow urself!"
"I'd like to take you down." He finished rapidly.
"What?"
"Nothing. Get in the hot tub." In mere moments, Goku was in the red water of the steaming bath.
"Wow, this water's really nice." As he sat there, a box scooted slowly up to him in reference to another game series. (Dat 4th wall tho.)
"Ah, not as nice as your ass."
"Huh?" An exclamation point popped out of his head, and the box scooted back away rapidly. Mario dressed again rapidly and headed out the door. "Well, thanks for the food and stuff, but I've got to get to King Lubba's." Princess Snake rushed in front of him almost angrily.
"No! First you must pass a test of...endurance."
"What's that mean?" She blushed again.
"It means I want you...inside me."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll see."
Seconds later, Mario was flying away as fast as he could from a gigantic snake as it snapped at the air behind him. "Hah!"
"AHHHH! STOP CHASING ME!" The snake breathed out fire, scalding his backside.
"Hah! Huh! Gah! Hrah!"
"STOP GRUNTING! IT'S CREEPY!" They continued to blast over the clouds with a new sound effect.
"Wakkawakkawakkawakkawakka..." The whole thing was reminiscent of an older game series.
Back on Earth, Yoshi was still watching Mallow. "Oh, for Miyamoto's sake! Now he's just standing there looking at the moon like a retarded puppy. I was trying to teach him to fend for himself, but noooooo, he has to be a weak, defenseless little...wait, is he getting bigger?" He hadn't noticed that Mallow had been increasing in size, ripping through his clothes, growing hair rapidly, and sprouting fangs. He stood up, mysteriously holding a barrel over his head as an old-timey battle tune played.
"Okay, that's new! Wait, that tail...his Sprite blood! Does this mean...EVERY ONE OF MALLOW'S RACE CAN BECOME A GIANT GORILLA!" Mallow threw his mouth open, blasting through a whole range of mountains with a single beam from within it. "Dammit, if he destroys everything, what'll be left for me?!" He turned quickly, taking a look at the moon. The moon. The moon. "STOP MOCKING ME!" He blasted a beam from his hand, shattering the moon into nothingness. Mallow immediately shrunk back down, a Crystal Star conveniently censoring his temporary nudity as Yoshi descended upon him. "Ha. Take that, moon. Perfect orbit my ASS!" He looked around. "Hey, where'd the monkey go?" He checked around his feet and saw Mallow laying unconscious. "Well, guess he's back to normal. Eurgh, what is that thing? Well, whatever it is, I don't like looking at it." He reached down and grabbed Mallow's tail. "This either." The tail came out surprisingly easily with a simple pop. "Now. CLOTHES BEAM!" He extended two fingers towards Mallow, and suddenly a full set of clothes, complete with sword, appeared beside him. "That is easily my most metral attack."
Meanwhile, back on Wiggler Way...
Mario rushed down the road, grinning to himself. "That was close. I sure am glad I got rid of that Snake lady." A few minutes back, a huge snake was coiled into a knot beside the road, grunting in anger. The com rang in her ear.
"Princess Snake? Princess Snake!? PRINCESS SNAAAAAAKE!" Dramatic music played for a moment before Mario shook from his thoughts.
Back on Earth, Yoshi grinned to himself. "Yep. Once again, wanton destruction has solved all of my problems with no negative repercussions whatsoever."
On Yoshe Island, the rest of the gang was gathered in horror around the TV as a newscaster spoke. "We've got breaking news that the Earth's moon has been destroyed. While the long-term environmental effects can only be guessed at, preliminary speculation puts the death toll from tidal effects alone in the hundreds of millions. We now go to our resident expert on lunar science, Skull Kid. Skull Kid?" The screen flashed briefly to a small boy in complete horror.
"OH DEAR MIYAMOTO!"
"Thanks, Skull! We now return you to Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door featuring Madame Flurrie, already in progress."
Ok, no longer speaking as the narrator here, thank you SO much to those of you who even bother to read this, but I do have an unfortunate message for you. Due to a ridiculously packed summer, I'm only going to have time to release a single chapter on each of my running stories before going on a two-month hiatus. This...is that chapter. I swear it to you all, I will be back in late August with new chapters, but this is the best I can do for now. Thank you for reading, and I'll see you in the next one.