AN (SPOILERY): I started this story because I thought it was fun. But I see now that this is really an exploration of a lot of my own esteem issues. I have this same star-researcher!Ennis and fuck up!Jack having this same love-hate relationship inside of me right now. Anyone who wants to make something of themselves in science has to start leaving behind things that ought to be a priority. I wanted to sort of demystify the culture of professional science for you, the readers. Here it is, in its nitty gritty glory. I bet a lot of people will be like, "Ennis, don't go!" I bet any scientists out there, though, will be like, "Oh man he has GOT to take that internship!" Many scientists out there will probably even be able to say, "when I left my loved one to take my position at blah..." Yeah. It happens. A lot. It's the life of a scientist.
Also, I now know the University of Wyoming doesn't have a winterterm. Deal.
Chapter 7
Jack and Ennis managed to squeeze into opposite sides of a booth, but that left plenty of room for Lureen, who squeezed in next to Jack. It's been kind of cute and kind of funny at first, but Jack was started to get downright annoyed. Was this chick so desperate? Did she think one kiss at a party made them soul mates or something? They munched in silence, and climbed back on the bus, Jack and Ennis silently understanding, pushing in front of Lureen, claiming two seats next to each other.
"'Scuse me, I believe I was sitting there." Lureen blinked down at Ennis, turning on a charm falling on blind and deaf senses to it.
"Uh, Lureen, Ennis and I have some stuff to discuss. Sorry about that. See you in Wyoming." It was the best Jack could say, and he had to be polite, so.
She was alright, though, just smiled, answered, "sure you do," and turned to Ennis's old seat.
Jack and Ennis slept most of the way back. When the bus arrived, it was practically the middle of the night again. Most people didn't even both with goodbyes, just setting their feet towards home. Jack was a gentleman, though, and he made sure Lureen had someone to walk her in the direction of her dorm first. Mollified, he covered the half mile back to Ennis's-- their-- apartment, foot-dragging. When he got back, he popped open the cupboard, but, seeing that it was bare, he collapsed onto to the bed, no sex, not snuggle, just down and out in sheets that smelled like home. However, Jack did have the presence of mind to remember what day it was, and to mutter as best he could a "Merry Christmas" before unconsciousness claimed him.
Christmas was kind of a nice time around campus, Ennis thought. Most of the students were gone, so you could walk without bumping into people, and you could hear yourself talk. It was a good time to be near campus, almost made him glad he was an orphan and didn't have to deal with families. The down side was that a lot of businesses were closed. They didn't have any food, really, and even the grocery stores were shut down. Take-out places wouldn't have many customers on this day, especially on campus. So they were on their own.
Ennis was up earlier than Jack, and fetched some cheese from the fridge for breakfast. He unpacked that Hallmark card. He hadn't even took the time to read it in the store. He'd grabbed it 'cause it had a deer on the front, which seemed kind of manly, but inside said, "Cuddle up with God's Creatures and Have a Merry Christmas." He rolled his eyes, knowing what he was in for by giving this card, but it was the only one he'd got, so he wrote "Ennis" in it, leaving off any signature line because of the simple fact that he wouldn't know what to sign it with. He licked it with a dry tongue, sealed it, wrote "Jack" on the front, and dropped it to the kitchen counter. He hadn't got any present for Jack, and he didn't see how he could help that, so the card would have to do.
Ennis sat down with a textbook, an elementary once he'd picked up at a used book sale at the union for two dollars, and just flipped idly through the pages. Winter break of the previous year, Ennis had tried to spend doing research, but as an undergrad, he didn't have a building key, and always waiting around on cold days for someone to tailgate in got tiresome quickly. This wasn't much better, though, he had to admit.
Jack didn't get up and shower until two pm. When he did, he came out with the two cards and handed one wordlessly to Ennis. Ennis opened it. It was simple, a picture of a blue tree ornament, and it said, "Have a Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year." Ennis nodded his thanks and reluctantly handed Jack his card.
Just as he predicted, as soon as Jack read it, he began snickering like a little kid. On the one hand, it was a nice sound, but on the other, Ennis knew he was about to be made fun of.
"You didn't read this before you bought it did you?" Jack was trying to muffle his chuckled behind a fisted palm.
Ennis looked down, blushing and shaking his head.
"Aww, come 'ere, you. You creature a God, you." Jack was chuckling again as he threw an arm around Ennis's shoulder.
Turned out the card was kind of a good thing, though, 'cause the arm-over-shoulder turned into more of a hug, which quickly became more serious, as their hugs tended to. There Jack was, so close, stubble on stubble, chin resting against his own, pulling back so they could see eye to eye, too. And like it always did, something tenable in the air snapped taut, and stern orphan Ennis was nuzzling at a man's chin, needing to be against Jack. Jack's hair was still damp from his shower, and Ennis's hands reveled in the coolness of it against his heating skin. He took Jack's head between his large hands, and just held it there for a minute.
It was Jack who made the next move, that tautness made real and dancing, as he frantically started to unbutton the shirt he'd only just two minutes ago finished buttoning. Ennis waited him out, and sure enough, before Jack's fingers had even finished clamoring at his own buttons, he had a hand on Ennis's.
Ennis took the opportunity to go for pants buttons on both sides. They were a team, and were slowly developing their own choreography, their own practiced motions.
Jack pulled Ennis back towards the bedroom, stumbling, walking backwards over laundry and books, his own jeans slipping down to add to the difficult shuffle. Ennis moved his hands to Jack's waist to help in the groping dance. Somehow, by some miracle, they did actually end up falling into bed when they finally fell. Jack suppressed something that could only be called a boyish giggle, causing an unseemly gurgle to escape from Ennis's throat.
Ennis, overcome, had a tendency to hit the gas with a lead foot when it came to lovemaking. Still strangled in his own desire, he freed Jack's legs from pants and underwear, bent Jack double enough to make Jack gasp so hard from stretching his legs that he wasn't even able to gasp from being entered, his breath now thoroughly stolen by pressure to his diaphragm. Still, Jack didn't complain, arched up, eyes crossing in something Ennis took as need or bliss or both. Ennis stretched out an arm, ground fingers to bruising into Jack's left shoulder, the other hand pushing Jack's legs' up further. Jack's face was turning red, but he was moving, arching, whining and grunting. And then, as quickly as it had started, it was done, and Ennis wished he'd been more gentle, taken more time, enjoyed it more. But Jack didn't appear to be making any such wishes, dropping sedately down to the bed. His breathing eased, his face turned from its angry purplish-red back to a normal shade, and Ennis dropped down on top of Jack.
Even after both sleeping in, they slept like that for another two hours. Even though they'd both already showered that day, they both took another. Together.
"Jack." Ennis was looking down at the water pooling around his feet, waiting for Jack to finish up with the shower head.
"What's'at?"
"I didn't, I didn't get you anything for Christmas. I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't thinking."
"Damn straight you weren't." But Jack flashed him a smile.
Still, smile and all Ennis, just dropped his head again.
"Ennis. Hey, you got me something. Look, you let me stay with you. You gave me a home away from my old man. The trip don't even hardly begin to pay you back for that. Alright?" Jack clasped a strong hand on Jack's shoulder before throwing the shower curtain aside, admitting a blast of chilly winter air from the exterior of that little cove of steam. Ennis stepped under the hot water almost as quickly as Jack scrambled for a towel.
For Christmas dinner that night, they ate what they had: Oodles of Noodles and Coke and beer left over from Jack's dorm fridge. They watched TV, flipping between football games they didn't quite care enough about and Christmas Movies that were surprisingly fun to make fun of. Before long, Jack was leaping around the room doing his own impressions of Frosty the Snow Man and Old Man Gower and whoever else would float across the smallish screen. They both stayed up late, playing cards and joking around. Ennis thought it was possible his best Christmas ever, and wasn't sure it would ever be topped again. He felt like a little kid, left home without his parents on Christmas, free as the wind, and young as when the world was new.
Jack was still working for the month. As long as there were classes, the dining hall was opened. He did have a week off before that, though. Ennis spent the week in the physics building, studying and typing away in his computer, programming mathematical code. Jack followed him in one day, dreaming that maybe they could have a nice time working together, but it only took him about ten minutes to get sick and tired of Ennis's work and drift off. He ended up reading a pretty crappy sci fi novel he found in the undergrad lounge. Reclining on that decades-worn-and-stained sofa, trying not to notice the cockroach eying him enthusiastically from the facing wall, Jack decided he wasn't spending his week off this way.
He had some friends from class who were local to Laramie, so he spent most of the rest of the week doing things with them: ice-hockey on a local pond, horror movies at Kerson's. He spent a lot of time sleeping, too, and playing video games, both on his own system and over at Allen's with some other guys from Calc class.
At night he'd come home and he and Ennis would make something simple, or get some takeout they really couldn't afford.
But after dinner, that was when Jack's day really got kicking. This week, this break, Christmas and knowing they had years of living with each other ahead... The living together thing stood as a silent acknowledgment of what Jack knew they both felt about their relationship now. It was so sudden. A few months ago, they'd been straight boys who had a working relationship, and now... It seemed a lot could happen in a short amount of time, because Jack was slowly coming to realize he couldn't imagine a life without Ennis in it.
Sometimes it was the little things, the way Ennis would sometimes rest a hand around Jack's elbow as they jostled in the kitchen for the space to peer into the fridge, the way they sometimes went for a walk and Ennis would brush a little too close, the way they'd still sit up half the night and talk about things from their childhood-- their favorite toys and worst nightmares, all safe to share.
Sometimes it was the bigger things, the big thing of exploring each other sexually in ways neither of them had had before. That was what they spent most of the evening doing, truthfully, and Jack was ok with that. More than ok, really. They didn't just fuck like kids any more, but they'd explore, stroke here, tickle there. Jack was trying to be more creative at every go, but he was afraid of scaring Ennis off, too.
Sometimes it was the nothing things. Sitting on the couch one night, watching Seinfeld, swear to go if Ennis's hand didn't snake over and ensnare Jacks, Ennis's thumb running lazily across the back of Jack's hand. Jack was hard a a rock for the entire half hour, but didn't want the blissful moment to end, didn't want to spoil this sexless moment, this sating need deeply craved for knowing someone was here with you, with the sex they could have any time. He barely managed a full breath the entire show, and had at last attacked voraciously at its end, but something had happened then and there and the discussion that Jack had been intending to put off eternally, discussions about the Future, the real Future with a capital F were going to have to be had someday. he felt it shivering his bones like the rattle of a train coming up the tracks, and it scared him just as much as standing on those tracks when they start shivering.
"Happy New Year," Ennis whispered that night as they crawled into bed. Jack hadn't noticed the date.
The week was over too quickly for Jack's taste, and he was back to school. At least it was a film class. It met Monday through Thursday, all afternoon. They watched a movie, discussed it, then turned in a mini essay every other day. Nights at home were spent writing the essays, sometimes telling Ennis all about the movies he saw, sometimes just watching TV while Ennis had his nose stuck in some physics book.
Ennis's study habits kind of annoyed Jack. he was always at it. Some nights it was hard to even drag him away. Half the conversation he had were about theoretical physics. For Jack's part, if he wasn't doing a physics assignment, he didn't really want to be talking about physics. Ennis simply could not understand that mentality. It hadn't been as much of a problem during the school year, when Jack's brain was a little more tuned in, and physics had been on some interest to him. But right now what he wanted to talk about was Cool Hand Luke, The Searchers, Vertigo, and Citizen Kane. He'd never thought movies were so interesting, but it was kind of neat seeing what kind of psychological tricks directors can pull on you without you knowing about it.
And way before Jack was even ok with it, a short three weeks later, winter term was over. Jack'd pulled an A for once. He decided he kind of liked being able to concentrate on just one class at a time. Now was spring semester, though, and that meant Electricity and Magnetism, Mechanics Lab, Observational Astronomy, and some other classes he needed for his basic requirements. He took another class from the English department, 'cause even thought it didn't interest him much, he thought the work was pretty easy. Anyone could sit down at a keyboard and bullshit a two-page essay on anything, and it was beyond him how people managed to fail out of such classes.
The semester started without any fanfare above Jack's frantic scramble to come up with book money. He eventually gave up and put the books on his new student credit card. Ennis grumbled about that, about credit cards and debt, but Jack just quipped, "It's my card, what's it to you?"
Jack didn't say, but he was secretly touched that Ennis was worried about his credit score. And like a girl, he sat and daydreamed maybe of the day that he and Ennis were trying to go in on a house and a little land together, and maybe his credit score would matter to Ennis. He vowed to be more careful with his money, but right now there was nothing he could do. He was already buying the books used.
Ennis was taking physics classes, too, plus some other classes to fulfill extra requirements, things he was interested in. Their schedules didn't coincide much, but on Friday afternoons they did manage to meet at the union for lunch. After that, Ennis would head on down to the lab, and Jack would take the afternoon to do his homework for the weekend. He used to leave it to Sunday nights, but it seemed maybe Ennis was rubbing off on him.
The spring was wonderful. The snow started to melt. Nothing except for an exam here or there impinged on their life together. They ate in more, and Jack's insistence, his new plan to worry more about money. It got muddy for a little while, but the grass filled in and greened up eventually. With the inevitable restlessness of all students, they both looked forward to the summer, whatever it would hold. Ennis tutored Jack informally on physics and calculus. Jack helped Ennis with an essay or two when it came up for his other classes. Sometimes they even laid in the springtime grass on a Saturday afternoon and chatted, just two in a campus field of hundreds of students lazing about. What they talked about didn't matter, and was usually something stupid, like why do they call it a parkway if you drive on it. Nineteen ninety three was being good to them.
Summer came at last. Jack was still working at the dining hall, only now he had to go in for the morning shift at 7:45am. Ennis was still working in Pitt's research group, eight hours a day now, and making headway on some real research. In the afternoons, Jack took Linear Algebra, the summer class just another reason to stay away from his parents' place. After that, he worked the dinner shift at the dining hall again.
The summer went just like that, until Jack got a summer flu halfway through linear algebra, and missed a whole week of class, which, for summer session, was not just a little bit.
Ennis came back from work one Monday to find Jack home from the dining hall early, pulled up under the covers.
"Why you here?"
"Sick," Jack moaned.
Ennis let him be, and went about doing the dishes.
Jack ended up in bed for all of Monday and Tuesday. He was up and about on Wednesday, but starting to feel pretty shitting by evening. Ennis was watching TV alone for the third evening in a row when Jack, bundled in a spare blanket, stumbled out of the bedroom.
"Ennis?"
"Yup?" Ennis muted the TV to give Jack his full attention.
"I need a favor."
Ennis rose to his feet. "You need something from the kitchen."
"No, no, nothin' like that." Jack sighed, his eyes feeling gritty, puffy cheeks, headachey. "You gotta see my professor tomorrow an' bring home my homework."
Ennis stopped and looked at him for a second. "But, I mean, what'll he think?"
Jack had absolutely no patience for Ennis's bullshit now. "He'll think your my goddamn roommate. Tell him I got the flu, get my homework assignments, Jesus. You act like you got 'fairy' tattooed 'cross your forehead." Jack would have never said such things with so much insensitivity to an Ennis he knew was still struggling with his sexuality, but Jack's patience was running near zero, being sick, and frankly, they were going to be approaching a year together in a few months, and Ennis had better have some kind of progression in his struggles. Jack slumped back off to bed, but as he slept off and on, sometimes just laying there sick and trying to distract his mind, he also thought about Ennis. Ennis, who was probably mad at Jack for calling him a fairy, had some personal problems to work though, an' he didn't seem to be gettin' there on his own. Jack thought shrinks were a waste of time, but he also couldn't be Ennis's. Maybe Ennis needed a mother or somethin'. Maybe a role model. He didn't know. But he knew that he still had some demons of his own. He's never wanted kids, but he did see himself as someone's husband, provider, breadwinner, some cute little thing, like that Lureen from when they were in Texas. He didn't have time nor energy to work through his own problems i and /i Ennis's.
Ennis, this time, though, took Jack's advice at face value. That very night he e-mailed Jack's professor, a guy named Headman. He got a response with an hour. Ennis had no misconceptions about the lives professor live. He and Headman were going to meet first thing in the morning to discuss Jack's classwork, and Ennis would bring the stuff back to Jack before lunchtime.
That was exactly what Ennis did, but he also made some chicken noodle soup for lunch before heading back out again, and Jack had nothing to do after that but wrap up in his blanket and get to work on Linear Algebra. Ennis had told him he was going to have a test on Monday, and all jack knew was there went his A in this class. Wasn't goin' a happen now no way.
Monday, Jack was in class, and he took the exam. It didn't turn out quite as horribly has he had feared, but he was doing alright. Wouldn't totally fail the class. He talked to Headman afterwards about when his late homework would be graded, and left to the hot summer air.
Jack was utterly surprised, though, to run straight into Ennis as he left through the building door. "What are you doin' here?"
"Oh. Just bored at work. Thought maybe I'd walk you over to the dining hall."
"Well, I got a little while."
"Good. I want a talk to you." Ennis sounded angry. Jack saw a stand of trees alone on the far side of the sidewalk, so he pointed Ennis over there. Jack stepped into the shadow of the foliage like a condemned man, sure that Ennis's words were the bringer of doom in some sense. Probably nothing too bad. There life was so much humdrum already. Maybe Ennis was pissed about the fairy comment. That was probably it.
Ennis was pacing, kicking at the ground a bit and working his jaw.
"Well?" If Ennis was gonna find some reason to be pissed at him, better sooner than later.
"I, um." Ennis squinted up at Jack through the sprinkled dapples of sunlight. "Bruce, uh--."
"Bruce?"
"Dr. Pitt."
"Oh."
"He wanted me to apply for this internship. I... I didn't know how to say no. So I did. He... he asked about you, you know."
"Yeah?" Jack's head was reeling and he didn't know what else to say.
"Yeah. Wanted to know if we were... well, you know."
"Yeah."
"I... I took the internship, Jack. Just now, called them up and said. It... it's the opportunity of a lifetime. You gotta know I wouldn't leave you otherwise."
"You're leaving me." Somewhere inside Jack had known this was a breakup speech. "That what you told Dr. Pitt?" he wanted to be angry, or crushed, something, have some emotion to show, but everything was moving in slow motion, everything but the shifting sunlight.
"No! No. Jack..."
"Whut?"
"I'm not... I didn't mean to say it like that. I'm not leavin' you like that. I told Bruce..." Ennis lowered his voice. "Yeah, I told him we were living together." Ennis blushed and ducked his head. "But I just... it's at Max Planck, Jack. How can I? How could I say no to that?"
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"I dunno. We can talk about it later."
"Shit, Ennis. You are so goddamn selfish, I--"
"Look, Jack." Ennis's voice erupted in anger, and rose a bit too loud. "You know this is me. I got a do this! This isn't some Podunk internship. This is a year a fuckin' Max Plack. And I'm supposed to turn that down just 'cause you swoonin' at my feet?"
Jack turned bright red as he saw an alarmed Dr. Headman emerge from the math building. Headman looked away quickly and walked on by, looking at his feet.
"Would you be quiet?," Jack hissed. "I ain't swonning nothin'. Fuck you. Go to Germany for all I care. Good riddance." Jack turned to walk away, but felt a hand snake out to snatch at his arm.
"Jack!"
"Whut?"
"Jack, come on. I didn't mean it to come out like that. But you know what a big deal this is to me."
"Yeah, you gotta be a famous physicist."
"I don't want a be famous. I just want a i do /i something, Jack. Be remembered for somethin'. You know? I don't... I can't be content with just... just bein' a fuck up for the rest a my life. I ain't you."
Jack's face fell, moving to the angry zone past angry where you no longer know what to do with your hands, where you know you couldn't yell loudly enough if you tried. He knew what Ennis really thought about him now, what kind of respect Ennis really had for him.
With a calmness that scared no one as much as himself, Jack spun on his heels and walked to work at the dining hall. He was going to need every cent he could save for a new place in the fall, since the chances he could get back into the dorms were pretty much zero. He felt lost, floating alone in space, home ripped away from him. But then, he guessed that's what he got for assuming anything would last him past tomorrow in this life.
After all, he was just a fuck up. Who would want to be with him?