Disclaimer: Not my characters, and I make no money from them.
AN: Unbeta'd.

Chapter 8

Shit. Ennis hung his head in shame, unable to make his feet move, unable to understand just what had happened, parsing back through his words to find out where this had gone all wrong. He watched Jack's back retreat up the hill. He wanted to say something to make this better, but he was angry too, for no reason he could put his finger on. The shadows shifted in the breeze and he turned right, heading for the creek that ran near the parking lot behind the building. He didn't know why, but he just needed to be alone for a while.

He sat by the creek for about ten minutes before climbing to his feet again. He didn't know what was going on in his life anymore. Maybe he was really queer. That much he didn't think he could escape, though he hadn't really made the admission in so many words to himself before. Still, using those words didn't change anything. Only a gay man could feel this hollow ache inside for another boy. He exhaled hard. He knew it wasn't easy in the world as a gay man, and he could howl with frustration at finding himself as one. Knowing it himself, though, didn't mean anyone else had to. He wondered how long he could sit on that secret before he gave himself-- or Jack-- away.

But none of that changed anything. He'd said something really bad to Jack. He didn't even quite remember what it was, and he'd almost forgotten entirely about the internship, but he ran back through the words he'd used in the fight. What had he said? Something that sounded like calling Jack a loser or something. He remembered that. He rubbed a hand across his forehead and headed up the hill, following Jack's still-cooling trail on the pavement like that boy lit the world wherever he went.

When Ennis arrived at the dining hall, he went up to one of the cashiers and asked for Jack Twist. The cashier pointed Ennis to the sandwich line. Behind its counter, a fine looking young man was slapping mayonnaise on bread, wearing a scowl. Ennis went and got in line, waiting.

"What you want?" Jack wasn't looking up, cleaning some mustard off the counter with a paper towel, waiting on the next order, trying not to think about anything but how many tomatoes he had and where was Kelly, wasn't she supposed to bring more tomatoes?

"Uh... jus' PBJ I guess."

Jack looked up, damning himself for lighting up a little bit inside. "You know that costs five dollars?"

"Shit. So?"

"'Sides, you have the ingredients at home. I happen ta know 'cause I bought 'em."

"Well, I ain't home. I'm here."

"Ennis, go home."

"You get a break or anything?"

"I just got here!"

"Well, maybe later?"

Jack sighed. "Maybe in about an hour."

"Alright. I'll wait for you."

"Ok. Next?"

"Hey, wait now, what about my peanut butter and jelly?"

"You're not serious."

"Yes, I am."

Jack blew his breath between lips held by a clenched jaw, but even as he did so, he felt his anger fade. He knew Ennis was a bigger fan of peanut butter than jelly, so he halved the jelly, doubled the peanut butter, cut the sandwich on the horizontal 'stead of the diagonal 'cause one time Ennis had made fun of diagonal cutting, and grabbed Ennis a handful of pretzels and not chips, 'cause he knew Ennis didn't like plain chips. All of that without a word, passing the plate over the counter.

Plate changing hands, Jack hazarded a glance over at Ennis, their eyes catching for an instant. Whatever it was that flowed across that dining hall counter, Ennis was giving him a sheepish, "I'm sorry" smile. Jack returned it with a cool, "we'll talk" lip-twist, and Ennis left the line.

Making sandwiches for the rest of the hour, person after person coming up to the counter, many of whom he saw every day and yet couldn't even remember what kind of food they liked, Jack wondered at the miracle of communication he had with Ennis. Somehow they just knew what each other was planning to say.

And for that reason, just pissy enough to want to be heard out, Jack took a break at the hour mark, begging Kelly to cover the counter for him. He didn't have long, but he found Ennis in the back of the dining hall, scanning the college paper with disinterest, plate long empty.

"Alright I only got ten minutes, tops. Why are you here?"

"Jack, I shouldn't have said those things. I am sorry. I jus'... I gotta take this internship. You understand?"

"Yeah, Ennis. And I want you to. But you should have told me you were applying, you know?"

"Yeah... I guess I didn't think I'd get it, an' I didn't want a worry you none."

"Ennis, I'm not a little kid. You don't have to protect me. I'm a grown man."

Ennis hung his head, rubbed his neck. "Yeah, you sure are."

"So what's this mean? About us?"

Ennis's head snapped up. "It don't mean anything, Jack--" Ennis stopped for someone to walk by their table, and continued again, under his breath. "It don't mean anything. We'll talk about this later. But, you know, it's not forever. Just a school year. We'll figure it out."

"You want to?"

"What?"

"Figure it out." Jack held his breath, the out offered for the sake of the offering.

"You know I do." Ennis looked almost angry. "Shit, Jack. Just..."

"Alright, alright. I know. We'll talk later, and then I'll call you some names, make up for--"

"I'm so sorry 'bout that. It didn't come out how I meant. I just meant your priorities were different--"

"Yeah, well, whatever. I know I'm not too smart--"

"I never said--"

"But you know I do try really hard--"

"Damn hard. Jack, you--"

"Just shut up, alright? Listen to me. I know I'm not too smart, but you know I try real hard, and I gotta think that counts for something, you know?" Jack's eyes met Ennis's, pleading silently. "I mean, if it doesn't... I'm not smart enough to do this, Ennis. You know I'm not. I have to think I just want it badly enough. Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"Jack, you're smart--"

"Oh cut the fucking crap. I'm not you, Ennis! I'm not a genius. Every single problem of every single homework set is a fucking struggle for me. You know 'cause you've seen it!"

Jack held Ennis's eyes. He was desperate for the truth, the straight dish. Was he really a fuck-up?

"Jack," Ennis started. "Jack... you're right. You aren't the smartest kid in the physics program. I know you're always on the bottom side of the curve. I 'member last semester, Gayle got a higher exam score than you, an' you were practically ecstatic to have yer B, and there she was not three feet away, crying over her B . I 'member. You 'member that?"

Jack nodded, sullen. He didn't really need evidence of how stupid he was. He didn't need to be reminded. He knew.

"Jack, a lot of people fail out around here 'cause they aren't smart enough."

"Yeah."

"But you're goin' a go further than all a them."

Jack looked up at that. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You'll go further than you think."

"Nah, how--"

"You want it, Jack. You want it more than almost anyone else. Why the hell would you keep doin' it? I know how hard all this shit is for you. But I've seen you keep workin' into the early mornin'. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna get harder for you an' me both. More for you, I think. But when I give up an' go to bed, you don't give up. You stay up all night workin' on it. That's what you got. You don't give up. An' I think that'll take you farther than any kind a smarts. You remember that."

Jack just starred, mouth agape.

"I think your break's over." Ennis stood and patted Jack on the shoulder. "See you later." He put his plate on the conveyor and left the dining hall.

And they did figure stuff out. Ennis had to move in September. They put out an ad and found a Chinese grad student in math who was willing to split the rent. They bought a twin-size bed to pretend Jack had been sleeping on, lofted it, bought another desk. The but truth was, even with all those changes, even with a new roommate, Jack couldn't really afford his half of the apartment. He doubled up his hours at the dining hall, but tuition wasn't cheap, and Jack's folks didn't have much money to send him. In the end, Ennis volunteered to send part of his monthly stipend to go towards rent. That hurt Jack's pride more than maybe anything ever had, save his daddy's fist, but he knew he couldn't afford it otherwise. Ennis couched it as his way of making sure he still had an apartment to come home to, but Jack knew that was just an excuse.

Teng Shu was a quiet boy. He had a girlfriend, and that made Ennis happy. Ai Xie was her name, and she was cute, but didn't speak much English, and also a math graduate student here, also from China. Shu's English wasn't bad as far as Jack could tell, though it was hard to tell considering he hardly ever spoke a work. Xie seemed about as talkative as could be. Jack and Ennis met with Shu a couple times to exchange information, keys and mailbox codes and moving dates.

Finally, Ennis was all boxed up and ready to go. Jack knew Ennis was more nervous than he was letting on. He'd never been out of Wyoming let alone the country, and Jack guessed Ennis was worried that his education would be inadequate, given the sheer number of books Ennis had packed. They shipped a couple boxed to some post-doc in Germany who would be picking Ennis up and who had set Ennis up with a form there. His stipend was $25,000 US, so given his living arrangements, and with another man (Jack had felt a stab of jealousy, but had quickly squashed the irrational feeling, knowing it came from nowhere), it was more than enough. Ennis lived frugally already.

Before either one was prepared, the day had arrived. They bought long-distance calling cards, and Ennis called the airport shuttle to come pick him up. He had a stopover at Dulles, and another in England. Jack was secretly worried about Ennis, knowing he hadn't been in a plane before. The sticky sheen on Ennis's palms gave away his well-concealed agitation as well.

"Don't worry about it. You'll go there, do a ton a physics, and come back." Jack smiled, pumping more joy into the morning than he was feeling at all.

Ennis muttered something beneath his breath and grasped Jack tightly. They'd said their goodbyes the night before, and Jack was wondering how long he could go without changing those sheets that smelled of Ennis. The whole event was so surreal, nightmarish in quality, Jack just wanted to get the goodbyes over with and move on to the hellish pain of aloneness. But not really aloneness, knowing that somewhere on the other side of the world was a man who's said they'd make this work. Lots of people made long-distance relationships work, he told himself.

Ennis turned too quickly and left the apartment, leaving a cold space where he'd once stood. Like a bandage, it was over, and too hard to believe. Jack choked on the feelings inside of him. He ran to the window in time to see the airport shuttle pull out into traffic.

The shuttle driver was watching him with dark eyes, wondering. Ennis was barely able to contain the sobs, the guilt, the sickness, the weighty knowledge of twelve months of cold nights and dark days, of inflicting that same thing upon Jack for the sake of his career of all things. Maybe it was all a mistake, but it didn't matter, it was far too late to take it back.

Before he realized he'd done it, a sound had escaped like the howl of a wounded animal, his fist connecting solidly with the velour back of the beige bucket seat in front of him. The driver's beady eyes narrowed in the rear view mirror.

"What the fuck you lookin at?," Ennis murmured, his only energy left.

It had only taken him a minute to see that he shouldn't have let Jack out of his sights.