Disclaimer: Not my characters, and I make no money from them.
AN: Unbeta'd.

Chapter 9

Ennis took forever to finally board his first airplane. Amid the sound of high-pitched, beeping cars racing back and forth through carpeted hallways, Ennis felt like a living ghost or a robot, just mimicking the motions of the other passengers around him, starring dully at the uniformed airport officers until he was sure they thought he was a moron. He was takin' ten seconds too long to answer their security questions. They probably figured he was too dumb to be a risk. He'd checked a suitcase. His beaten-up army surpass backpack was his only travel companion. He'd stuck a physics book in there, plus some paper and a pencil, but in the airport he bought some crosswords. He wasn't really sure how he was goin' to stay entertained as long as he'd be in the air.

The plane he was taking was a tiny one. He had to walk out on the asphalt to get into it. It was one aisle with seats on both sides of the aisle. He took his seat, a window. A few minutes later a large, middle-aged woman sat, chubby hands gripping a romance novel. The plane was bound for Denver, an' had all sorts of people on it. He was glad the women never did talk to him. The propellers were so loud on the plane that talkin' wasn't so practical anyway.

Take off was different than anything he ever experienced. He felt himself get pushed back into the seat, then he felt sort of weightless, then extra heavy again. He never once cracked his textbook or his crosswords, just starred out the window at the great blue yonder. The world from up here looked like mountains made out of heaping white clouds. The flight was noisy and not even an hour, but he never once took his eyes off those white clouds. He felt like he never even blinked.

Descent was a new experience as well. It was more of the weightless experience, like Ennis was fallin' from the sky. It made him nervous an' like he was out of control. He gripped the arms of his chair tight until they evened out. When the wheels hit the runway with a screaming sound, he tried to breath easy, but wasn't quite able to until they were totally stopped again.

When they arrived in Denver, they had to get out on the asphalt and walk to the airport terminal, just like they'd had to walk to the plane in Laramie. It wasn't anything like airplanes on TV where they had tunnels to the plane. Ennis gripped the strap of his backpack tightly, like maybe someone was gonna come up and wrestle it away from him. He hadn't never been in a city as big as Denver, and it scared the shit out of him, even though he wasn't plannin' on leaving the airport.

Once inside the airport, Ennis checked and double-checked his ticket about eight times. He wandered up and down the stale-smelling carpets until he was sure he found the right gate, but it didn't even list his flight yet, but another. According to his ticket, his flight wasn't even boarding for another three hours. Keepin' in mind the location of his gate with the same skills that he would use to navigate a trail on a hike back home, he sought out some food. He settled for a hot dog and Coke at a little airport stand. Then he went back to his gate and did crosswords until he thought his eyes were about to fall out. He didn't even particularly like crosswords, but the truth was he was a too damn nervous to do any physics, and he didn't much like the book selection at airport bookstores. He wasn't much of one for reading. That was really more Jack's thing. Ennis tried to stomp that thought-- an' the accompanying emotions-- back down before they overwhelmed him. He wasn't even out of Denver yet. There wasn't any way he could fix this thing, and if there was one thing his dad had taught him 'fore he died, it was if there was something you couldn't fix, you just got a stand it.

Trying to think of this time in the airport in that same light, Ennis leaned back in high black leather seat and closed his eyes, not sleeping, just standing the passing of every minute.

The next plane he boarded was headed for Chicago. This one he got to use one of those tunnels like he saw on the TV, and it was considerably larger than the first, and a lot quieter. It was going to be in the air for less than three hours, though it also had a time change so according to the clock it was more like four. Eventually the crew brought around drinks and a little foil baggie of a snack mix. The snack was too small, but Ennis ate it mechanically, not tasting it a bit. He wasn't hungry anyway. He ate it because it was what everyone on the plane was doing. He'd heard about airplane snacks, and he reckoned it was what people did on planes. He tried to look out the windows, but it was the same white cloud-mountains it'd been before. He leaned back against the seat. They smelled like too many people'd leaned back on them. He miraculously managed to catch an hour or so of restless, unsatisfying slumber against the vomit-colored velvet.

The airport in Chicago was different from the one in Denver, except that it was the same in its most fundamental properties. His flight to Munich was supposed to have dinner served on it, so he took this time to raid a few news stands and bookstores. He didn't find much of anything that looked interesting. Ennis picked up an issue of popular science about airplanes. Maybe it'd be neat to read about airplanes now that he'd been on one. Maybe not. The layover was two hours, which went pretty quickly since it was only an hour until he boarded an' there were extra questions an' stuff 'cause they were goin' to Europe.

When Ennis got on this last plane, the first thing he noticed was that, though the second plane he'd been on had been considerably bigger than the first, this one was just huge. The plane had three seat sections: three seats on each side by the windows, and a wide row down the center. Ennis's seat was on the right, but the window, but not against the window-- the center seat. He plunked down next to a foreign man, Chinese or Japanese or somethin', he couldn't tell. The man was wearin' a suit. After a little while, a skinny black woman with a lot of hair, a dark pink suit on herself, and a look of importance was sittin' on the aisle, squeezing a leather briefcase under the seat in front of her. Ennis was still clutching at his backpack like it was the heart he knew had fallen out of his chest somewhere. Wedged between these suited people, in for a long flight an' his first time out of the country too, Ennis tried not to be nervous, tried not to feel the perspiration gather at his temple.

When the stewardess told him to, Ennis squeezed his backpack under the seat in front of him as well, leaving him empty and unguarded. The people-- flight attendants is what they called themselves, and there was a man, too, though he couldn't be a stewardess, and Ennis secretly wondered if he was gay too-- passed out plastic bags of cloth stuff. Ennis didn't even notice what he was now clutching to his chest with equal fervor as he had his backpack, so busy was he starin' at the normal-enough-lookin' blond man. Maybe he wasn't gay. Maybe straight men did this job, too. What did Ennis know? He'd never flown before. He'd just heard rumors 'bout men who did things like become stewardesses.

They finally took off, an' everything was normal jus' like them other flights for a while. Ennis tore into the little plastic baggy to see it contained a blanket, socks, and an eye mask. He eyed the socks with special confusion. No matter how long the flight, he was not plannin' on gettin' that comfortable 'round all these strangers.

They passed out dinner 'fore long. It was pretty generic-- something you might find in a microwave dinner. It was pieces a chicken with pieces a veggies on rice. It came with a cookie. Ennis got a Coke with it. He was doin' fine until the man next ta him started usin' chop sticks an' was elbowin' him in the side. Even that he could ignore, but the worst imaginable thing happened. The woman crammed in next to him on his right turned to him and started a conversation.

"So... young man like you... what takes you all the way to Germany?"

"Uh, school, ma'am?"

"School?"

"Yes, ma'am. Study abroad."

"Oh. What do you study?"

"Physics." Why did he feel like he was on the defensive in some sport?

"Physics! Wow, you must be smart."

Ennis hated that reaction. Of all reactions he ever got, it was the one he hated most. What was he supposed to say? Yes? No? Thank you? He settled for a non-committal nod.

"Must be hard to leave all your friends and family, huh?"

Only one face flashed through Ennis's mind, and he thought, You got no idea, lady. He just nodded again. It was as polite a response as he thought he could get away with without actually saying anything.

"A girlfriend, maybe?" The woman asked.

Ennis wondered if people ever committed suicide on airplanes. He felt like he might a been blushing a little bit.

"Aww, well. Do good, you hear?" The woman must have got the hint, because after she wished him luck, that was the last conversation she attempted with him all the way to Germany.

For a while, Ennis tried to look out the window over the Chinese man's shoulder. All he could see was utter darkness. He wondered if you could see the ocean far below. He'd never seen the ocean, but either way, he wasn't about to be seeing it now.

Ennis had thought the flight had been boring so far, but in reality he had no idea what he was in for. It only got worse. They lowered the lights, and he put on his eyemask and wrapped the blanket around his elbows. But he was delusional if he thought there was some way in hell he could have slept. He told himself it was the nap he'd taken on the earlier flight, or that the air was too stale or too dry to ignore, or that the elbows of his close neighbors kept hitting him, waking him up. All those things were even true. But none of them were the real reason that Ennis couldn't sleep.

He hadn't slept anywhere without Jack in months, and when he closed his eyes in this foreign space, he felt lonely, so lonely it gave him as much trouble breathing as did the dry air, hurt his sides as much as being elbowed. He didn't admit to himself that he wanted to go home. He couldn't admit that to himself. So he just wrapped the blanket more tightly around his elbows, squeezed his eyes behind the mask as if they could block out more light, and tried to count some sheep he'd never known. It was easier to think of sheep and white-capped cloud-mountains than of Jack alone in covers that were big enough and warm enough to hold them both.

The endless waiting did eventually end. Some time later Ennis was getting off the plane. He couldn't get off quickly enough. By now the air was nearly too dry to breath, and he felt like he just needed to get out of there immediately or he was going to stop breathing altogether. Before long he found himself in the airport. It was busy with people, speaking a language he didn't recognize. The place was too bright, too white, and for a moment he almost wanted to clamor back to the familiarity of the stale airplane. But then he saw a sign he recognized the meaning of, and that particular destination came to occupy his mind.

The bathroom was just as bright and echoing. He'd peed a couple times on the plane, but here he washed his face and scrubbed his teeth until he felt human again. Businessmen buzzed all around him, and he felt like an alien, like a cow in a chicken coop, but he was already so out of place that he couldn't look stupider, so he didn't even bother with whether he looked out of place or not.

From there, he followed the signs and claimed his luggage. He dug out a piece of paper that was the address he was supposed to give a cab. Even before he found the cabs, though, he went over to a pay phone, dug out his calling card, and dialed the overseas 1-800 number. Following through all the steps, he finally heard the phone ringing in the apartment back in Laramie.

"Hello?" Jack picked up.

"Hey."

"Hey, you! How was your trip?"

"Shit. Was long."

"Yeah, I bet. When'd you get there?"

"Just now. I'm still at the airport."

"No shit."

"Yeah."

"Well... thanks for callin'."

"Yeah."

"Miss you."

"Yup. Me too. Should probably go. Find the dorms."

"Yup."

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Talk to you later."

"You too, Ennis. Bye."

Ennis hung up first and quickly. Though he'd called Jack to ease the pain, it'd somehow only made the ache worse. Ennis stared at the phone for a few empty minutes before he drew himself up and hauled ass towards the doors. He was about ta head into Germany for the very first time.

Jack turned to see Teng eying him from the kitchen table.

"What?"

"That was Ennis?"

"Yeah. My old roommate."

"Yeah. I know who he is."

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat, hoping that Teng's words didn't have any double meanings. He hadn't been watching what he said to Ennis on the phone. He ran over the words in his mind, feeling small under Teng's scrutiny. But Teng was an alright guy. Surely he wouldn't care. Probably he wouldn't really care. Of course, Jack had known him all of one day, really.

Teng shrugged. "You guys just seem close is all."

"We're friends."

"Alright."

Jack turned and left the room. He needed a shower, and that'd been too close to something. He could kick himself. Ennis hadn't even been gone more than one night, and already Jack was being foolish, getting himself into trouble. He hadn't slept a wink last night. He'd watched the stars out his windows-- sky night fire, wondering if Ennis could see the same stars from his airplane. Would Ennis even look? Maybe not. Jack was the foolish romantic between them, he knew, the one who went stargazing and who didn't have the common sense to watch what he said in front of his brand new roommate.

The room was alright. It would work. There were two beds and two desks. Two closest. The beds had dressers underneath them. Two bookshelves. Two lamps. One wall of windows. The floor had a lounge as well, and there were two pay phones in the lounge. A small dining hall was in the basement. The food there was German, but it was simple enough that Ennis reckoned he could make due. This was a dorm pretty much specifically for visiting students, and it was a small dorm. There were maybe twenty guys and maybe ten girls or something in the whole building.

Ennis's roommate was a guy named Ryan. He was an American from California, a student at Stanford. He was a little bit annoying. Ryan talked a lot and liked to act like he knew everything. From what he said Ennis guessed that they were probably well-matched academically, but Ennis didn't like these guys that liked to talk so much 'bout everything they knew. Lot a times that was how you could find out about everything they didn't know.

Ryan was into video games. He talked a lot about them. Ennis didn't know anything about that, but Jack played video games with his friends sometimes so all that talk did was make Ennis miss Jack more.

The next day after Ennis got settled, he was introduced to the professor he would be working with. He wasn't doing gravity research here, but gamma ray astronomy stuff. He didn't care. He was young enough in his career that a wide variety would only look on his CV, so he dove in on the first day. Besides, this was stuff Jack liked, and it felt good to be working on stuff Jack liked.

His first week was mostly reading books and papers and missing Jack and having trouble sleeping. His adviser was surprised how much reading he got done, but he wasn't, 'cause he stayed up all hours a the night doin' it. He wanted to call Jack, but needed ta hold out. He needed ta prove to himself that he could. He figured he'd call Jack on Saturday and then make that a weekly thing or something, 'cause otherwise he'd call him every minute of every day. He hadn't given Jack a phone number or anything, but Ennis didn't have a phone in his room, so it couldn't be helped.

Ennis planned on phoning Jack Saturday, but people were in the lounge where the phone was and he didn't want to make the call with company. He woke up extra early on Sunday morning instead and went down the hall to the lounge, which was finally thankfully empty, to make his call. He figured made it sometime the night before Wyoming.

"Hello?" That wasn't Jack.

"Uh, hi. Is Jack there?"

"No, I'm sorry, he's not. Can I take a message?"

Ennis stared at the phone. He hadn't expected this. He didn't know why he'd just been expected Jack to be sitting right there by the phone. It was a Saturday night. Where could he be? Visions of Jack fucking some girl flashed through Ennis's mind and made his stomach turn, but he squashed them just as quickly. If they were going to make this long-distance thing work, they were going to have to trust each other. For sure after all their time together, Jack wouldn't be out on a date with anyone after Ennis had been only gone a week. Still, Ennis couldn't help but be disappointed to not get to talk to Jack.

"Hello? Hello?" Teng was talking again. Ennis must have stayed silent too long.

"Oh. Uh. This is Ennis."

"Oh. Yeah."

Ennis was a little worried by what the tone in Teng'd voice meant. "Do you know when Jack'll be back? I don't have a phone so I have to call him."

"No, I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Ok..."

"Well, I'll let him know you called."

"Thanks."

Teng hung up, and Ennis was left staring at the quiet phone he gripped, white-knuckled in his hands.

It was one hell of a week for Jack. He tried to concentrate in his classes. He wasn't sleeping that well at night, but the irony was that he couldn't stay awake so well during the day. He managed to get his homework done and turned in, but it was a bit half-assed. A lot of it was done between ten pm and four am. The result of this bizarre sleep-pattern, and his general loneliness, was that he was moody, an' always snapping at people. People noticed.

Ron, another physics major who'd had physics classes with Jack for a year now, was the first to notice. Before Jack barely had the chance to object, Ron was planning a little something for Saturday night. They were going to have a Star Wars movie night. Jack wasn't a huge mega Star Wars fan like the rest of the physics students, but that wasn't something you told them unless you wanted to be shunned, so he went along with the whole thing. So Saturday night found them with pizza, beer, Star Wars, and about 15 people in Ron's tiny apartment cheering on Luke Skywalker and making fun of C-3PO. And whether he was a star Wars fan or not, the general ridiculousness of it all made Jack smile. He had to admit it lifted his mood. Somehow they managed to make everything Han Solo said relate to sex with Luke Skywalker, which was probably somewhat funnier to him than to the other guys, but he wasn't about to announce that as well. And of course he made sure to whistle like a sex fiend when Princess Leia was in her slave girl outfit. Gayle and Becca, the only chics in the physics crowd, beamed them with pillows. It was a riot. He slept better that night, passed out across Ron's crappy, stained couch, than he had all week.

Sunday morning he wasn't even all that hungover when he arrived back in his own apartment, pleased to think of it of his own finally, though it had been Ennis's first, and was still Ennis's in a way. He was more than pleased to think of it as Ennis's too. Ennis's and his. His and Ennis's. Theirs.

"You had a phone call," Teng shouted out from the bedroom.

Jack dropped his keys on the kitchen counter.

Teng emerged, freshly-showered and ready for church. "Ennis."

Jack felt himself freeze. The good mood he'd been in from the evening before washed off of him like so much paint covering a weather-beaten exterior. He didn't have a number or anything for Ennis. "Oh. Did he say when he would call back?"

"Nope. Sorry."

"FUCK."

Teng gave him a look, but shrugged. He ate a pop tart, and left for church, all while Jack stared, lonely and frozen, at the telephone right there on the kitchen counter.

Jack stayed in all Sunday. That was ok, since he had plenty of homework to do. He just camped out at the kitchen table and pulled a nice, studious, Ennis-like day. He was taking one physics class, one astronomy class, one math class, and one psychology class. It was only a week into the semester, but it was already a bitch, with three technical classes, and his one and only tutor and emotional supporter thousands upon thousands of miles away.

Finally, around 11:45pm when Jack was just about to give up on his homework and watch TV or something, the phone rang. He practically ran for it.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Ennis. And luckily Teng was out with his girlfriend this time.

"Ennis. Christ, I am so sorry I missed your call. I was over at Ron's. They had one of their lame Star Wars marathons."

Ennis chuckled.

"You got a phone or something? I need your number."

"No, not in the dorm."

"Oh. Well, how 'bout we agree on a time?"

"Yeah, alright. How 'bout late Saturday nights. Your time."

"Well. That could be a problem if anyone's wantin' ta do anything."

"Yeah. Guess."

"Sunday mornings?"

"'S fine."

"Great."

"So..."

"So how're thing in Germany?"

"Fine."

"How're the dorms?"

"Fine."

"You got a roommate?"

"Uh... yeah. Guy named Ryan. Talks too much. From Stanford."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"What are you researching out there?"

"Gamma ray telescopes?"

"No shit! Cool! That's my kind a stuff!"

"Yup. 'M also takin' a couple classes."

"Cool. What classes?"

"Uh... Jus' stuff. You don' wanna hear 'bout it."

Jack swallowed. He was a little bit hurt. He did want to hear about it, but he did not want to fight about that over the phone. Ennis was hardly a good conversationalist in person. Conducting this relationship by phone was going to be utter hell. The brief idea of phone sex flitted past his imagination, but he couldn't even manage phone talk with his cowboy. Somehow he knew that phone sex would be him feeling retarded jerking off into an utterly silent and judgmental receiver.

"Well... I'm taking psychology. That class seems like it's going to be pretty cool."

"Uh huh."

"I mean, we learn about how people learn, but also about brain diseases and stuff."

Ennis didn't respond.

"You there?"

"Yup."

"Well, you know, if you always call me, you're going to run out of minutes on your calling card before I do."

"Can't be helped I guess."

"Maybe we can work out something where I call this phone you're on?"

"Maybe?"

Christ Ennis was being not-helpful. "You mad or somethin'?"

"Shit, no. Why you say somethin' like that?"

"Uh, never mind. My mistake."

"Well, I guess I'll go. Talk to you next Sunday."

"Yup. Miss you."

"Bye."

"Bye." Jack sat, staring at the empty receiver in his hand. Why had he spent so much time already staring at phones? This was not what he wanted out of a relationship, be he was going to have to face that it was what he had. It was all he had right now. This was a piece of shit, and somehow talking to Ennis made it hurt more. It made Jack want Ennis more. Maybe it would be better if they didn't call each other. But Jack knew that wasn't a solution either. This was just a fucking bitch of a fucked up mess. But it was for Ennis's career.

That night Jack did sleep well, but only after he curled up on his side, took his dick in his hand, and pumped hard to his own loud grunts. Teng wasn't home so he let himself fly, angled his hips so his thrusts just barely grazed the sheets that hadn't been changed since Ennis had lain in them. Shit, it had only been a week and Jack felt like he was dying, because it was going to be so, so much longer, and he didn't have a clue how he was planning to make it through. He felt like a man who'd wandered into the desert without so much as a canteen.

Another week passed. And another. Jack jerked off into his sheets. Eventually he changed them. Sunday phone calls happened as planned. They didn't go any better, but they didn't go any worse. He simply tried not to feel much of anything. He tried to concentrate on his homework. He pulled some of the best grades he ever had on his own, but they weren't as good as what he would have gotten if Ennis were around. Ron tried to set him up with a girl, but Jack bowed out of that. Nothing changed for a while.

Until the beginning of November. One Sunday Teng was home. Jack had just gotten off the phone with Ennis. Teng closed his textbook and looked up. "Ok seriously, what is with you two?"

"What do you mean? Nothing." Jack said it too quickly, even for his own ears. He winced.

Teng studied him for a moment, shrugged, and said, "You're gay."

"Am not."

"Yeah, you are. You and him."

Jack felt a wave of nausea sweep over him. He held Teng's eyes.

"Look, I don't care," Teng continued. "Though it is pretty pathetic how you hang around the phone on Sundays."

"Can you..." Jack fumbled nervously for a smoke, his voice shaking. "Just don't tell anyone, ok."

Teng shrugged again. "I said I don't care."

And that was how Jack ended up coming out to Teng, though Teng was as good as his word, and truly seemed to not give a good goddamn. Jack avoided him for the next week, but there was no real need to. Everything went just as it had been going.

Ennis kept to himself. He tried to avoid Ryan, though they were taking classes together, so they did their homework together most days. But outside of that, he didn't really want to be around people.

Still, there was no way he could say no when the grad students in his research group invited him out for a night on the town. He wanted to get out of it so fucking badly, but he couldn't. They were like his bosses. Yusef, Liz, Wilhelm, and Johann had often tried to draw him out of his shell, but eventually they declared that alcohol was going to be the way to do it. From the moment they started plotting, he felt nauseous, but soon he was being kidnapped from his dorm, shoved into a small taxi, and dragged through the streets of Munich. With all the lights and sounds and people he couldn't tell what was going on, but he did like the food where they ate. The grad students picked up the tab, and they ordered him beer after beer until the whole room spun, and then took him someplace with so many lights that it seemed like maybe the whole room really did spin. They stuck close to him, though, and he remembered them talking about whether he would be ok, so he figured he was safe with them. Johann was dancing very close. Very close. The blond was maybe an inch taller than Ennis and had a muscular build. He didn't look like Jack and he wasn't built like Jack, but maybe he would feel like Jack. Ennis missed Jack so fucking badly. He slung an arm around Johann and heard his lips murmur, "You don't feel like Jack." He remembered Johann slinging an arm back around him. He pushed Johann away, like in a dream. Then he dashed outside and threw up on a street corner. He heard Liz giggling in her Australian accent, "Guess our American cowboy is a little bit gay." They shoved him back into a taxi. The last thing he remembered was someone shuffling him back into his dorm room where he'd gratefully passed out in his own bed, all ramifications of the evening blissfully forgotten in the haze of unconsciousness.

Sunday evening Ennis talked less than usual on his phone call to Jack. He felt like Jack could see through him, see through each and every one of his words. He thought maybe Jack could see how Ennis had reached out and touched Johann in the club in Munich. Ennis felt like it was written on his forehead, in his voice, on his soul. He ducked away from people in the hallways. He bowed out of studying with Ryan. But he couldn't pass up his phone call with Jack. Still, he kept to half sentences. Jack said very little, and Ennis was sure it was because Jack could hear the guilt that leaked out between his words. He'd never been more sure than he was now that he'd made a terrible mistake leaving Jack behind.
Sunday morning when Ennis called, Jack didn't say much. He was terrified Ennis would be able to tell from his voice that Teng knew something. He knew Ennis would be fuming to know that Jack had let something like that slip. Ennis might not forgive him so easily. Ennis might not trust Jack to take care of himself, and Jack couldn't handle being thought of and treated like a child by Ennis, like he couldn't take care of himself. So he kept his words short, sure that he inadequacy was written on every one. Ennis seemed tenser than usual, and that just reinforced the idea. It wasn't a good Sunday for phone calls, and then he finally put down the receiver, Jack had never been more sure than he'd been now that he should have never let Ennis get away from him. This was just not working.
Ennis took a long smoke outside and wondered whether he and Jack were really meant to make it through this. Maybe they'd be better off apart. Of course he'd still send money back. Couldn't leave Jack without a place to live. But right now Ennis was just fucking up. Ennis didn't know what was going on or why he would do that. He didn't know how he was going to face Johann at work tomorrow, or Liz, or any of the grad students. He thought about faking sick, but that was just a lie that would get him into deeper trouble. He'd smoked half a pack before he realized how late it got. Not having decided anything, but feeling more alone than he ever had even in all his years as a lonely orphan, dragged himself back to his bed, but didn't sleep. He awaited morning and the sentence that came, whatever it was, for a man who'd been found out in Germany.