Disclaimer: Not my characters, and I make no money from them.
AN: Unbeta'd.

Chapter 10

"Well you look surprisingly alive this morning." Liz didn't even look up from her computer to say it. Johann and Wilhelm were leaning over a monitor speaking quickly and quietly in hushed German. Yusef was typing away, though he did spare Ennis a glance and a chuckle. Ennis grunted and sat down at his own computer. He got straight to work, and the morning went just like any other. Tom, the post-doc, came in the lab to microwave his lunch, and babbled on about American politics. He seemed to think Ennis, as the other American, would care, but he didn't. Eventually Tom drifted off. Ennis went to his afternoon classes. He went home and had dinner in the dining hall, did his homework with Ryan, and went to bed. Somehow he had survived the Monday.

On Tuesday, Greg, one of the professors in charge of the group, called a group meeting and teleconference. They hadn't had one since Ennis had been in Germany, so he didn't know what it would be all about.

When the time came, they sat in an office around an oval table and talked to some guys on speaker phone about their data storage for the next phase of their project. Ennis mostly zoned out, thinkin' about his homework and... other things. Liz brought him a black coffee, mistaking his disinterest for fatigue, and Ennis tried to at least fake takin' some notes.

When Greg said, "Alright, Alexi, send an e-mail to the group, and we'll check it out," Ennis's head bounced up.

He didn't know what they were checking out. Moments before they'd been talking about a new kind of computer drive that could hold more data, so it was probably something about that. Still, Ennis didn't even know they had e-mail addresses.

When the group meeting was over and they had all left the cramped office, Ennis caught up with Liz, who'd been the nicest of the grad students to him so far, and whispered. "What's this 'bout e-mails?"

"Oh? Alexi-- he's the post-doc with John at LANL-- is going to e-mail us the info on some new hard drives we're thinking of ordering for storage."

That wasn't really what Ennis had been asking. He didn't know how John was, didn't care what they used for data storage, and only knew vaguely that LANL was a national lab in the Southwest U.S. somewhere. "No, I mean, we have e-mails here?"

"You didn't know that?"

"I've never much used it."

"Oh yeah. Let me show you."

When they got back to grad student office, Liz pulled a chair up to Ennis's computer and got him logged in to the Max Planck e-mail server. She showed him how to use a simple program called emacs that she favored to write an e-mail, and had him send her one. He must have smiled like a fool, though, when he saw that she'd gotten it, 'cause she smiled back and asked, "Why are you so excited about this Ennis? You got a Yank boyfriend?"

Ennis's grin slid straight off his face and out of his eyes. Liz just chuckled and went back to her own work, shaking her head. She was learning quickly when to tease Ennis and when to leave him alone.

Ennis went to his afternoon classes, but he couldn't concentrate. All he could think of was the fact that he knew Wyoming gave out e-mail accounts to the students. He had never used his, and he didn't know if Jack had much either, but Jack had one, and Jack, being more savvy with technology with his computer games and shit, probably knew how to use it, anyway.

That night Ennis took his dinner from the dining hall to go, and used the pay phone in the lounge even though there were a couple guys in there talkin' in some language that sounded like German but wasn't quite. It was about seven at night for Ennis when he called Jack, which meant he didn't have much chance of gettin' him unless he'd been skipping classes or something.

In fact, Ennis didn't get Jack, or Teng, but he did get the answering machine. That was safe enough with this guys around, and for Teng's ears. He left a message. "Jack. This is Ennis. Uh. I got a e-mail here. It's That's P-L-A-N-C-K-dot-E-D-U. I mean, in case there's a problem with the apartment or something and you need to tell me. Bye."

Ennis hung up like the phone'd burnt him and looked around. No one in the lounge was paying him any mind. Thinking back, he was starting to feel a little foolish about that last part. Still, he was worried, with how frequently he called, that Teng might know something. If Ennis had already given himself away to the grad students, who else was likely to see this thing written on his face or voice.

Though it wasn't like they cared, did they? He was having a bit of a hassle with Yusef. Earlier today he'd overheard Yusef saying to Liz, "Why do we get these undergrads. They don't do anything and they suck away our work time." Ennis didn't think he was sucking away anyone's work time, and there was one other undergrad working for Tom, the post-doc, but still, Ennis was going to be careful to be extra productive at work from now on just in case Yusef's statement was meant about him. But it hadn't been about who he liked to fuck.

Ennis went to his room to do his homework, but nothing in the world could stop him from checking his e-mail every hour from his dorm computer until the full moon had climbed high into the sky and Ryan had long ago turned out his own light and climbed into bed. At two a.m., Ennis finally gave up and followed suit himself.

When Ennis woke up, he didn't want to be one of those lovesick fools who checked for a message first thing, so he didn't. He went into work and tried to be extra useful, not even checking his e-mail through classes in the afternoon, and not until after dinner. He didn't want to be that guy drooling over an e-mail from another guy. He didn't want to be.

But at seven p.m. when he opened his e-mail and saw just two e-mails sitting in the in-box, one from alexilanl.gov, and the other from Ennis knew which one he was going to be opening first.

The week has been a different one for Jack. It was the week where they showcased student clubs on the grassy area between the main classroom buildings, and Jack and some friends from class had spent their Monday killing some time there. They had done this every semester so far, because it was the best way to replenish your supplies of pens and pencils for the following semester, and if you came early enough on the first day, you could get enough free T-shirts to make shopping trips unnecessary for the next semester as well. Jack had scored two T-shirts already: one from a bank, and one from a new off-campus student-housing co-op. He had a plastic bag full of candy, pens, pencils, foam things that called themselves "stress balls" but made good weapons in fights with friends, free condoms (not that he even used them, but it wouldn't look right if he didn't take them...), coupons for local eateries... it was a good haul for sure.

Eventually, though, Jack's class friends drifted off. He wasn't looking forward to going home himself. It would be another night alone in the apartment. Sure, Teng would be there, but that didn't mean Jack wouldn't be alone. Jack had no homework to bury himself in for once, no study sessions to go to. It would just be him and lousy Monday night TV, trying to get ahead on the week's assignments, maybe do some laundry. Instead, he stayed at the showcase for a while. It was likely to be the last of these pretty fall days for a while before the long, empty stretch of Wyoming winter settled in. Jack and Ennis should be celebrating their first year together, but instead they were looking at celebrating their first year together apart.

"Want some free condoms?" A guy at a table right in front of Jack asked him.

Jack realized then that he'd been staring in the direction of the dude's table for a good minute while he'd hashed through the evening ahead in his mind. Embarrassed, Jack stammered a "sure" and grabbed a handful from a bowl. The disinterested kid went back to organizing pamphlets on the table. All the stacks looked surprisingly full, even this late in the day. "So what kind of club is this?" Jack asked, making small talk. Most of the free-condom clubs were frats, so maybe this was a less popular frat. Jack stepped back to read the sign.

The boy's head shot up and waited, and when Jack's eyes finished sending signals to his brain, Jack understood that the boy was waiting to be called a name, or maybe for Jack to just turn and run away before anyone saw him at the table. Thinking to his lonely night ahead, to the boy he was missing and how he didn't have a single person in the world to talk to about that, not even Teng who didn't want to be involved in his roommate's personal life, Jack shocked himself when he asked. "Ya'll have meetings or somethin'?"

Only then did the other student stand up. "Oh. Um, yeah. Once a month in the student union. I'm sorry, I wasn't... I didn't think you knew which booth you were staring at."

"I... didn't."

"Oh."

"I was actually... But, I mean... Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"No, not at all. I'm Randy. The vice president of Spectrum."

"Jack Twist." They shook hands over Jack's friendly smile.

"So, are you..?" Randy asked, but Jack understood the full questions.

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm... I'm actually in a relationship at the moment, but it's long-distance you see. I mean, it wasn't always. Normally I wouldn't think of talkin' like this..." Jack looked around but saw with some relief that this last in the afternoon the crowd had thinned a lot and no one here would know him anyway. "Well I'm just sick of it all bein' a secret. It's been a hard time on me." Jack felt his smile falling to a frown. He didn't know why he was telling this stranger so much, except that he hadn't told anyone anything and he was so alone in this.

"Well, tell you what," Randy said, "we're packing up for the night here in ten minutes. If you want to stay and help me out, I have an evening class, but I have to pick up dinner. You can eat with me and tell me all about him, and maybe I can tell you a little bit about Spectrum."

Jack's stomach jumped. He didn't care much about clubs, but the idea of just sitting down and blabbing openly about Ennis send shivers of thrills down his arms and legs. It was, he thought, just exactly what he wanted, maybe even needed, so he said yes almost too quickly.

They had McDonald's and sat at an unassuming table inside. The conversation was innocent enough. Randy talked about what they did at Spectrum meetings, and what kinds of things Spectrum was about. Jack told him about Ennis studying abroad in Germany for the year, told him about Ennis not wanting to come out at all. Coming out was something they discussed at meetings sometimes. Jack said he might attend next time, and he meant it, as long as everyone was as nice as Randy. Randy told him that was so. They shook hands once again and parted ways.

On the long walk back to his apartment, Jack wondered why he'd said he would come. He didn't really mean it. The thought of going to some meeting like that scared the crap out of him, let alone what would happen if Ennis found out about it. Though Jack thought he was kind of sick of worrying all the time about Ennis finding out this or finding out that. He didn't want to be afraid of what Ennis might think or might do all the time. He didn't even know why he was except that Ennis was his everything, and doing anything to put their relationship on the line terrified Jack. Somehow he still didn't trust that it was there for good, even with an ocean between him and Ennis.

Jack got to thinking, though. Why shouldn't he go to such a meeting. Ennis wasn't even here. Ennis didn't control him. Jack was an adult and he could join any student club he wanted to, from paintball to ballet. And he liked to have sex with a boy, didn't he? Most of his problems, if they weren't related to classes, revolved around that. So this was one where he belonged, wasn't it. Hell yes. Hell yes, Jack would go to the damn meeting. If only because he was afraid to, he would go.

He got home then and saw there was a phone message. Jack grabbed himself a beer and pressed the little plat button.

"Jack. This is Ennis. Uh. I got a e-mail here. It's That's P-L-A-N-C-K-dot-E-D-U. I mean, in case there's a problem with the apartment or something and you need to tell me. Bye."

Jack was turning on his computer in an instant, all defiant thoughts of how Ennis was always controlling him shoved aside and buried under more urgent and desperate needs to get into the e-mail account he vaguely knew he had but had never used for personal purposes. It was a frustrating hour before he finally had it all set up properly, since he'd forgotten his password and had to call the student services office, which was, luckily, open twenty-four hours. But finally Jack sat at the keyboard, hunting and pecking to the best of his ability, spelling out a note to the boy he wanted to talk to in person but couldn't. This was the next best thing because at least no one was listening in, like on the phone. Jack's smile grew as he typed.

"ennis,
good to hear from you. This e-mail is pretty cool, huh? Nothing's wrong with the aapartment, though. Hope you don't mind if i e-mail you anyway. How are things there? The weather has been real nice hear. We had our clubs showcase today. Got a lot of crap.

Miss you. Hope you don't mind me saying so by e-mail. No one can overhear or shit. Ennis... I gotta tell you, Teng knows. Didn't want to tell you that on the phone. But he's cool. Guess I haven't played it so cool. You gotta know I'm dying here.

But I'll live. You know we been together almost a year. Wow, huh? Suck you aren't here. I'll wring one out just for you! JJokin! Except not really. Miss you. I think i already said that. You can e-mail me back whenevere. Have a good day.

Jack"

Ennis read the e-mail about ten times in a row. He wanted to be mad about Teng, but he didn't even care that much. There'd been a time when Ennis couldn't imagine anyone being ok with finding out his roommate was gay, but the grad students here in Germany barely cared, and Teng was a grad student too. Maybe grad students just had more on their minds. After reading too long and too hard, Ennis finally put together a response.

"Jack, I miss you as well. I am glad you e-mailed. I am sorry I am not there in Wyoming. Maybe I should not be here. I am sorry. I am glad to hear Teng does not care. There is something you should know from me as well. The graduate students in my lab got me drunk some and I told them about you, but they do not seem to care. I am worried they do not think I work hard enoguh. Class is getting tougher. I do not like my rooomate. He's alright, but kind of full of himself. Why didn't we think of this e-mail sooner. Write back quik, Jack. i am missing you. Sorry about the one year thing. I am sorry about that. This is better than the phone. Wish I was there with you, Jack.

Ennis del Mar"

Jack checked his e-mail relentlessly on Tuesday, discovering the locations of every little library and computer lab he hadn't known existed. He finally got back from classes at 4:15 to find one waiting for him.

Teng wasn't home. He read the e-mail what felt like a million times until he could almost hear the worlds coming from Ennis's mouth, apologies heartfelt and aching. It hurt Jack to read them. Jack could see already that Ennis had learned something, not about physics, but about humanity and acceptance, from the grad students in Germany. He was glad Ennis had gone, even if they had to spend their anniversary apart. Seeing Ennis think his trip was such a mistake, seeing Ennis apologize so many times, really tore a hole through Jack. He wanted to wrap his arms around his man and let Ennis finally take a rest where he belonged. Ennis had had to be the bad guy in this, the one who pushed Jack away and went in search of his career, and now Ennis was collapsing, thousands of miles away with no one to hold him up.

Jack sat down to write an e-mail he was sure would make Ennis angry, but the truth was he needed to write it and it was quite possible Ennis needed to hear it.

"Ennis,

Please don't feel so bad. I think Germany's doing you some good. You talked to some people. That's good. Real good. i'm real proud. I know you don't need me saying it, but i am. I'm doing alright. Dont feel so bad on my account. I will always still be here when you are done. I know it's not the best way to say it, but i love you and you are doing just fine. Gonna kick my ass in school when you get back, huh? As usual. But i'll take you out for tacos maybe. Bet there aren't any good Mexican food in Germany. Just sausage crap? Good beer though. Can't blame you for getting drunk.

Jack."