Disclaimer: Not my characters, and I make no money from them.
AN: Unbeta'd. 100 hot off the press, don't burn yourselves-- or me, 'cause I didn't even proofread it. No smex in this chapter, but there'll be something in the next, promise.

Chapter 16

That wasn't when things got bad. Ennis got through his programming error and careened straight through the beginning of his classes without any worries. Greg put him on a new project with Johann and Liz, and it was new and interesting for Ennis to work as a part of a group. He'd never liked teamwork, but he'd never been part of a team where he was the dead weight dragging them down. He wasn't trying to be, he was just trying to learn, and Liz and Johann had plenty of patience with him. He didn't mind the group work much when it was with a real smart group.

The real problems started about a week into that project, when his daily e-mail from Jack wasn't how it usually was. Jack normally sent good news or casual whining that made Ennis feel like he was at home. Ennis liked to imagine they were sitting at the kitchen table just talking about their day. Well, Ennis talked about his day. Jack usually bitched about his own, mostly.

This one was different, though.

ennis,

I been doing a lot of thinking. You know, Teng and I were talking a few weeks ago, and since then I been making new friends in my new classes, and i also got the old ones. Teng was like, what are you going to do be a secret with Ennis forever? Well what are we going to do, ennis? You propared to tell all your friends that you aren't who they think, that you really like to go home and sleep with a guy, that you're all gay and... shit, i don't know. I don't know what to do. I've been trying not to panic about this, but it's like I need to talk to someone about it. Teng is a good friend, but he's not like he's about to give me any advice. If anything sometimes I feel like he gets amusement out of seeing me uneasy about all this, but i think he's a good guy.

What i'm trying to ask is, how long are we a secret? Forever?

there's this group on campus here for people like us, for gay people I mean. When I first thought of that word weeks ago and myself, I thought they didn't go together and never would, but i've been trying to use it more to myself, used it a couple times to Teng. You think i could? I think i could. I mean, i've got friends who i think are real friends, and i wanna go to these meetings and see if they can give me some advice.

Don't mean to be going through all of this when you are not here. i don't know, maybe you have been ging through something in germany too. We dno't talk about it.

i don't know what to do.

jack

The first thing Ennis noticed about the e-mail was that it was the first in several weeks in which Jack hadn't said something, anything, to encourage Ennis-- something about love or being together or waiting for him to get home, anything. Ennis felt a headache blossoming at the base of his skull.

The next thing he thought of was what the e-mail didn't say, but danced around. Jack had all but said he was ready to be publicly gay, and the thought made Ennis's stomach clench violently. He couldn't say why. Here in Germany people knew, but not in Wyoming. Here in Germany it seemed like most people thought it was okay, but that was for sure not the case in Wyoming. For a moment he felt he was in a free fall, because if Jack did anything publicly, Ennis would be caught in the repercussions. He felt anger start to snake up from his belly.

He probably should have waited until it had dissipated before hitting the reply button. He probably should have just called instead. But Ennis had come up under his older brother, been taught to swing hard and fast and get it over with, so before he knew what he was doing, he had hit the send button. He stormed away from his computer, hungry and in search of dinner, hoping it wasn't meatloaf night once again.

Jack sat the computer. He didn't quite know what to do, having never been in this situation before. He wondered for a moment if he could reach back in time and swipe his last e-mail from its flow, but he also knew he wouldn't if he could. If he couldn't share the things that troubled him with his boyfriend, who the hell was he supposed to share them with.

Whatever his emotions were, they must have shown on his face, 'cause Teng walked through the room to get something off the coffee table but paused by Jack. "You ok?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. No problem," Jack lied.

Teng nodded and went back to his room. Jack watched him carry a book under his arm. Homework, that's what he should be doing. He didn't know how he was supposed to concentrate on that shit now, though.

He turned back to the screen and reread the e-mail, hoping maybe it would say something different this time, but it didn't.

Jack,

If you want what you do to be known in Wyoming, you're asking for trouble. People know here in Germany, but this is a different place. You go ahead and jump off that cliff, but if you do, you should know I won't be coming with you. You can be gay in your own apartment, but it won't be in mine.

Let me know if I need to find someone else to sublet to.

Ennis del Mar

Jack stared forever, until the screen had burned a white square onto his eyes. That didn't really matter, though, because the words were burned in deeper already. Jack wasn't going to cry, he wasn't, he wasn't.

The shower started up and Jack knew he was alone. He lasted about thirty seconds before the sob-- proving itself more powerful than his will-- escaped on its own with a hot sprinkling of tears. What could have caused this, how they could be here-- the sense of it defied him. How was he supposed to answer this e-mail? How could he answer?

Jack got up and kicked the edge of the sofa, hissing in pain when the hard wooden frame kicked back. he bee-lined it to the fridge to grab a cold beer, and sought his bed after that. Tonight he was just going to try and sleep the e-mail away. Tomorrow could fucking deal with its own fucking self, and Ennis del Mar with it.

"Party?" Ennis frowned.

"Just a little going away party," Johann clarified as if it made some kind of difference in Ennis's mind.

"Who's going away?" He frowned deeper, smelling a skunk here.

"Sam."

"Who's that?"

"Another student here. You don't know him," Yusef added, feeling a need to involve himself in any conversation, even though he was working quietly on the other side of the room.

"If I don't know him, why should I go?"

"Oh man, that's lame," Yusef answered, as if it explained everything.

"Lots of people going don't know him," Liz offered. "That's not the point. It's a party. You're expected to come."

Her statement made no sense to Ennis, and that fact must have been written plainly on his face, because Liz sighed in exasperation. "Look, if you're going to stay anywhere near astronomy in your work, you've got to relax and go to parties."

"Yeah," Yusef laughed, "astronomers are like the jocks of physics."

Ennis turned to glower at Yusef, remembering their time in D.C. He didn't doubt that Yusef, at least, believed himself the captain of some invisible football team.

"What he means," Johann's soothing accent busted in, "is that astronomy is a small community and a lot of business is accomplished in social settings. You're always on a job interview, and many people will think more highly of you if you fit in with the crowd and are social." With a pointed look at Yusef, he added, "But not too much so."

Ennis had to bite down on a laugh, even in his present gloomy disposition.

"So you're coming?" Liz asked.

Ennis just shrugged, seeing by now that he was cornered and wasn't going to be given a choice.

Jack slipped into the back of the room a good ten minutes after the meeting started. His intent to come here had been fueled by Ennis's bigoted and heartless reaction rather than squashed, as Ennis would have hoped. Still, he felt like a thief, looking carefully in all directions before stealing into the back of the room, head ducked. A woman was up front talking about the group budget like it was any other student group. Her eyes briefly flashed to him as he came in, but, almost as if she sensed that he didn't want to be seen, she avoided glancing in his direction for the rest of her accounting of the group's funds before she sat back down.

"Alright," another woman spoke up, but didn't stand, when the first woman sat. "We have seven hundred dollars this semester. What do we want to do with it?"

Jack watched, nearly mesmerized by the normalcy of it all. They talked about maybe going bowling, or having a party. There seemed to be a lot of support for that last 'cause these kids felt like they couldn't go to normal college parties and be themselves with their boyfriends and girlfriends. Jack saw the point. If everyone else got to get drunk and suck face all night in some trashed living room, why not him too? There was only about twenty people there, but that would sure enough be a good small party, and maybe some of them had people, like Jack had, who didn't come. He was glad about what he saw. He'd been worried it'd be a kind of place for people to hook up.

After they talked about the social stuff, they talked about other activities. One girl knew about an AIDS walk in Denver and was wondering if they could get a van to go down there and participate. She seemed real firm and chocked up about the idea, and for the first time Jack sat back and realized that AIDS existed and was in his world. He didn't think he or Ennis had much to worry about, but Jack hadn't known Ennis's past that first time. The thought was sobering as he listened to the girl talking about where they could stay, maybe they could camp. She had such emotion in her voice that he knew AIDS was more real in her world than it was in his. He wondered about her. Madeline was her name, and she had close-cropped black hair that wove itself into tight curls, looking like an Afro, but on a white girl, 'cause she was a white as a sheet of paper.

They must have decided something about the trip while Jack was distracted, 'cause now the woman who seemed to be in charge-- the one who had been sitting earlier-- was bringing out something.

Jack thought he was too lucky when he first saw what it was, but a second glance proved he was not mistaken-- food! There was a plate of finger sandwiches, one of cookies, and a couple two-liters with cups. He hadn't realized he was in for free dinner when he'd come, confused and mostly worried about what he would find. But these kids were just like any other kids on campus, and he was ashamed that he'd ever thought differently. This was the first time Jack had ever been even slightly active in any student group, so when people started wandering up to the food, he went ahead and invited himself to do the same.

Ennis groaned and slumped down in the chilly late-winter air. He leaned hard against the stair railing of the brick townhouse, knowing that once again he'd drunk too much. It wasn't a hobby, just something he did when he was in emotional distress, and it seemed like he'd spent most of his time in Germany in some form of emotional distress.

"Hey, you okay man?" Ennis looked over and, once the world stopped spinning, he saw Yusef's head hanging above him. "You don't look so good." Before Ennis answered, though in truth he never planned to answer, Yusef had disappeared back inside the door.

By the time it opened again, the fresh air had had a positive effect already. He gazed over towards the door, expecting to find Yusef again, or someone he didn't know simply leaving the party, but instead there was Liz, her wool coat pulled close around her. She frowned down at him for a while before actually sitting on the step next to him.

"Are you okay?" Her voice was soft and worried.

Ennis grunted.

"I'm sorry if we dragged you to this party when you didn't want to come."

He shook his head. "Didn't no one drag me."

She nodded and seemed to disappear further into her jacket, shivering.

Ennis wasn't sure where it came from, just lonely he guessed, but he suddenly became conscious of the six or seven inches between himself and Liz. He moved closer and draper an arm around her. She smiled up and thanked him with a wavering smile, but her gaze soon returned to the empty street in front of the house. Her thoughts were elsewhere, even Ennis could tell. She looked like she was in pain. It was by pure instinct that he leaned over and touched his lips to her hairline to leave something between a murmur and a kiss.

The ramifications were immediate, though. Liz froze and pulled away. The look she gave him as she looked up at him seemed to see right through him. Her mouth opened as if she were groping for words. It was a few moments before she found them.

"Ennis... Ennis, first of all, you're gay, unless you've forgotten!? Second of all, you're taken, and if Yusef's story is to be trusted, you're not just a little bit taken."

Ennis looked away and flushed bright red. He hadn't thought that whatever happened in D.C. would become the talk of the department, but in retrospect, a day never went by without rumors wafting through the room, so he should have realized... But if he had realized, likely he would never... And then he would have missed out on... Missed out that... time.

Ennis's eyes stung and his gut clenched. It wasn't just a friendly kiss he'd lain on Liz, and she'd known it. There was something more behind it, a neediness that Liz would not have been able to help. He didn't even know when the tears started falling, but he tried to clamp his fingers over his eyes to stop them, gasping for breath.

"Oh, shit. Honey..." Liz rubbed circles on his back. He wasn't even wearing a coat and he only now noticed the cold. "You must be really drunk, huh?" Her voice was full of pity, and she sounded like she was talking to a child, but for whatever reason it only made his tears fall faster. "Something wrong back home?" The only response he could muster was a gulp of air. "Oh man. Come on. Let's go back inside and get you some water."