chapter two -
######################################entry three- forgiveness############################################
3 weeks after their talk in the kitchen.
one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit. That was the only thought that had been circling around her mind for the last three weeks, Ever since her last proper talk with Oliver, Even if it wasn't a real talk and the talk only lasted for 10 minutes, A very long , Intense ten minutes, She couldn't get her mind to stray from thoughts about what he might of said had she allowed him to speak, Her mind had been replaying their fights (talks) for weeks. Truth was Felicity hated how lonely she felt when things weren't right with him, but things with Oliver hadn't been right for weeks, This fight was proof of how bad things had been going before.
Felicity allowed her eyes to drift away from where she was looking at her computers in the lair, Sinking deeper into her thoughts.
Things around the lair had gotten slightly worse, Felicity knew how the atmosphere in the lair had changed dramatically whenever something wasn't right with one of the team, Worse when it was two people at the same time, She could always tell who it was that was in a mood by the feel of the air in the foundry.
Roy was the easiest one, Dew to the fact he had a short fuse and it didn't take a lot for things to kick off, He would brood and let his anger gather before he had a blow out, And the air would be thick and filled with a sense of It's - about- to- happen-any -time - now, Similar to when your waiting for the scream on a horror movie, And the air would always be back to normal after a few hours.
Digg was different, When he was the culprit for a change in the air, It was different, He would consume the air with a thundering disappointment when ever you caught his eye before it settled in the back ground slowly simmering enough that you where aware of it but also you could force yourself to focus on other things then the impending fall out, The air would be tense for a little longer after that.
She even knew what it was like when she was the one, Everything could be fine and no one could notice anything was wrong for a few hours until someone (Mainly diggle) would notice she hadn't been speaking as much and would confront her about it (If he knew he couldn't be the reason for it) His concern would alert the others that something wasn't up, But Felicity was a stubborn person and could hold it in for days and leaving an unease in the air, Having every one not interact as much, And when it did unleash it was deafening, Every one holding their breaths type of thing, It was loud and filled the air with harsh righteousness, The air would stay uneasy until she was back to normal.
With Oliver it was ... With a sigh Felicity turned her head slightly so that she could land her eyes on Oliver form, Where he stood testing his bow (with tennis balls, Because 'you just do' apparently) ... It was harsh and slightly suffocating before and after, His blow outs, Where just that a big blow out , Some times it involved something being thrown or kicked that would make a loud sound, His words cruel and commanding, Not giving you an opportunity to interrupt until his shouting was finished. Usually it was settled within a day or two but sometimes when he was being particularly stubborn it could take longer but it was always something she or digg did that would bring him out of his stupor.
Felicity knew that this time the argument was different, But she also knew the reason for that, It was because this was different, The air after the first few days, When Oliver was trying to talk to her and she was stiff and unresponsive towards him, The air was tense and uneasy, When Digg and Oliver also had a fall out it became worse, The air was cold and thick hard to ignore, Then it got worse after the talk in the kitchen, Granted it was more quiet now, Some of the It- Could- Explode- At- Any- Minute and dissipated but was now replaced with a closed aloofness that was off the charts, It was the quiet before the storm, She could feel it, Everyone felt like they were gearing up for the big change in atmosphere.
A crucible was coming, Her and Oliver were walking on the edge of a very fine line, Their Friendship had broken but they where inching their way closer and closer towards the moment of judgment, Everything left was now at stake, It wasn't just their Friendship at stake any more, They both knew it also, Hence why I've been dragging it out for as long as I have, She knew dragging it out couldn't continue, If a reminder for why exactly walked past her with noticeable cut on his cheek.
"Bye Blondie" Roy say's softly brushing his hand reassuringly on her shoulder as he heads out, Having caught her looking concerned at the cut he had gotten tonight, "Night Roy" She say's softly.
Knowing Digg had already left and Sarah was with her dad, She knew it was the right time, She couldn't hold it off any longer, Roy had come to close to having a knife planted inside his head tonight, The team was suffering all because of the unresolved fate of her and Oliver, She had to make a decision about whether or not she could forgive him fully or leaving the team for good, and that time was now.
Her eyes went back to looking at Oliver, Trying to gear herself up for what was about to happen, Taking three deep breaths she called his name, Her tone was quiet but he heard her all the same, Taking two smalls steps around so their eyes could meet, Once they do she has to tramp down on the urge to run away.
"Tonight can't happen again" Her voice is strong for which she's thankful,
"It won't, Roy was lucky and we'll be more careful from now on" Oliver says not having yet caught on to where she want's (doesn't want need's) this conversation to go.
"You know that's not what I meant Oliver," She says rolling her eyes at him as he brings himself a few steps closer. "Yes Roy was lucky tonight, And yes I want you all to be more careful when your dealing with bad guys but that wasn't why he got hurt, Its not his fault that he got hurt and in some ways its not even the guy who did it either, Its ours" She says pausing when he places his bow down onto the table near her station.
"Because of us the whole team have been off, At first it was okay because it didn't have any affect on what happened out their" Her hands gesturing vaguely over her shoulder
"But tonight it did, And Roy got hurt, Because of us we're putting the whole team at risk, Tonight we where all lucky but tomorrow it could be worse... I know I couldn't live with it if it had been worse. And as much as I don't want to deal with this... I don't have any choice any more, We have to deal with it" Felicity lets out a breath before holding her tongue and waiting for him to speak.
Oliver exhaled forcefully, Squeezing his eyes shut twice before nodding his head sharply, His stomach clench as he looked at Felicity and saw all the emotions she had been hiding for the first time in weeks but found the strength to walk around the bench before leaning back against it, Bringing him closer to the blonde as he prepares for what he know's could be his last speech.
"You know the one thing I've never been good at is emotions, When things got complicated or too ... Real, I'd run or find a way to get them to go away, And they always did, I could always get them to go away, Even if it was for a little while and I knew what ever it was would make it worse I'd still do it, It was better to not feel it for a while then to deal with it" He takes a deep breath looking at Felicity who seem's willing to listen sat watching him carefully, Centering himself.
"I thought that the Island changed that, And it did, But instead of running into my girlfriend sisters arms or any willing body because I'm afraid to commit, I'm pushing people away and closing myself off because I can deal with what's going on inside my head, It's better to ignore it all or just focus on one thing because... Because that one thing doesn't expect anything from me." Felicity can feel herself tensing, Her body preparing for whats to come.
"When I got back from the Island, I deluded myself into thinking it would be easy, I wouldn't need any new relationships because I would have the ones of my friends and family and that was all I would need to get me through my mission, But then I came back and it was harder, Every one wanted something from me, To be the son she lost, To be open and honest, To not have ran off with her dead sister, The press wanted me to be Play boy Oliver or they wanted a pilling mess of PTSD issues, And this is at a time when I have no clue who I want or need to be, I only had the mission, And granted I wasn't happy but the mission didnt need me to be happy or sad , And I had made peace with that, I made peace with the fact that nothing and everything will be the same, Does that make sense"
Not wanting him to stop Felicity nods her head.
"But then I met you and things started to become easier and the same goes to digg to, Everything was starting to get better, I had hope for a little while, It was so small that I could forget that I even had it for a few seconds, And then the glades happened and the thought of losing anymore people that I cared about was too much, Everything became too much, So I went back to the one place that had already stole everything from me, So that I couldn't lose anything else" He smiles but its a pained smile that tugs at pieces of her heart, Which leaves an achy feeling in her chest, Felicity having to fist her hands to restrain herself from rubbing the spot.
"Then you came to get me, And after seeing you on the landmine everything started to change, Slowly, But still parts of me was changing, I was changing, And then Sarah came back from the dead and it became too much, So I again did what I always do when things become to much, But I never intended for you to be hurt, I never intended for any of this, I never intended for you be hurt by it, For you to feel like you didn't matter, When the truth is you mattered to much, But I just couldn't take it, And then I missed those lunches and again I didn't think it was a big deal, It wouldn't matter they where just lunches, I said what ever i could to convince myself that this wasn't the same as those times when Ollie Queen went out and partied too hard and missed a brunch with his mom and sister, Or promised my dad that this college would be different, Or that Yeah I was ready to move in with laurel, And then I saw you, And... Seeing you like that broke what ever blinders I had on and for the first time I saw it"
"I saw it all, The tiredness, The anger, The pain I cause, The disappointment, The distrust ... I can't explain how much that affected me right then, All I know Is that I never want to see that in your eyes again, I never really thought about how much your trust in me meant, But not having it has been,,, God Felicity I know that I really fucked up and you have to know how sorry I am, These last few weeks with out you in my life have been hell, You've been here but you've not been my Felicity, The one who since the moment I've met her has the ability to make me smile and refuses to get me coffee, Or gives me half rambles but effective pep talks, The person that makes me feel like I have the ability to be a hero, If there's one thing that I've learnt from all of this is that I don't want to loose you, Ever"
Oliver stops before he spills more of the revelations he's discovered since their argument and instead holds his tongue and pray's that she won't walk out on him and the arrow. He waits as she seems to be collecting her thoughts, His knuckles going white from the force of the grip he has while trying to refrain from asking her to hurry.
Finally after a tense silences she speaks.
"I know that there is no one so righteous that they have not wronged another, financially or physically, through deed or speech. This pains my heart within me, because wrongs between humans and their fellow are not atoned by Yom Kippur, until the wronged one is appeased. Because of this, my heart breaks within me, and my bones tremble; for even the day of death does not atone for such sins. Therefore I prostrate and beg before You, to have mercy on me, and grant me grace, compassion, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all people. For behold, I forgive with a final and resolved forgiveness anyone who has wronged me, whether in person or property, even if they slandered me, or spread falsehoods against me. So I release anyone who has injured me either in person or in property, or has committed any manner of sin that one may commit against another, I fully and finally forgive everyone; may no one be punished because of me. And just as I forgive everyone, So may you grant me grace in the eyes of the others that they too forgive me absolutely" He's slightly confused by her strangely beautiful speech as to what that means in the fate of their friendship his back straightening when she stands up and collects her things before turning back to him.
"I'm Jewish remember" She says shrugging and smiling lightly before her face turns serious once again.
"I forgive you, But the rest is down to you, You need to decide whether or not you mean what you say, Because right now I have no proof to prove your claim honest, And Oliver I really want proof" She says the last part as a whisper but he gets the meaning as strong if not stronger then if she had shouted it.
With a nod from his head she smiles slightly before turning and heading home hoping and praying that he won't break her heart (unwittingly) again.
Ha this went a bit crazy for me, It was really demanding, In the sense that I couldn't write anything because it just wasn't right, The next chapter will have a time jump.