A/N: I reposted the beginning of the story again, because I made some little changes here and there so if you had been waiting for the next installment to the story go back and reread that, if you'd like. However, I added some more to the story, so please, enjoy!

OoO

Self-Induced Nightmare for Lightning and Thunder

Closing the drawer and feeling a bit like a child caught with his hands in the cookie jar with chocolate all over my face, I turned to my right and followed the multicolored arrows that lead me to the door of my master bathroom with a goofy smile tilting the right corner of my mouth. My smile faltered as I hesitated under the threshold. Just before setting foot into the bathroom my breathing spiked and the sound of my own blood rushing in my ears rendered me deaf, causing me to sway mid step. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the sudden darkening around the corner of my eyes that threatened on the borderline of tunnel vision. I felt dizzy from the sudden realization that Bella wasn't here to talk me through this.

"I can do this. I can do this. Jasper, you can do this," I whispered under my breath as I once again began hyperventilating. My eyes shut tight, trying to block out the drumming of my spiriting heart and my panting breathes. I couldn't do this. Who was I trying to fool? Bella was always here to talk me through this moment. I've never once done it alone. I could not possibly start now, could I? I knew I had to… my eyes flashed open, catching sight of my ashen, sickly pale face and a white something on the surface of the mirror.

Curiosity pushing everything momentarily aside I stepped over the threshold and faced the mirror to find more of Bella's scribbles all over it. My mouth broadening into a sudden smile as I read;

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE, AND G'MORNING!

READ THIS –

Carefully I removed the tapped note the arrow pointed to from the mirror and opening it I continued to smile as I read on;

HOW DOES IT FEEL, BECOMING SENILE AND ALL, THAT IS?

(I snorted at that.)

JASPER…

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND REMEMBER, IT'S ONLY WATER.

I felt aggravated and insulted at that, she knew why I felt the way I did. How could she try to sooth me that way? She knew I never mocked herfear. Just when my indignation was about to reach a boiling point all my fears were squelched as I read on.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, MY J, BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

I'M NO HYPOCRITE. YOU KNOW THAT.

ALL I'M SAYING IS, LETS PRETEND THAT, IN MY CASE, FOR TODAY, LIGHTNING IS JUST THAT, LIGHTNING…

Enlightenment had me pondering over her words as I began to undress. Could I really do this? She seemed to believe I was capable though. I took a shaky breath and continued to read.

TODAY, SINCE I CAN'T PHYSICALLY BE THERE FOR YOU, WE ARE GOING TO TAKE HOLD OF A NEW REALITY.

WE ARE GOING TO PRETEND THAT WATER IS JUST WATER AND YOU TAKE SHOWERS ALL THE TIME WITHOUT ME JUST OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR TALKING OR SINGING YOU THROUGH IT.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

NOW, I WON'T BE RENDERING YOU COMPLETELY VULNERABLE. LOOK TO YOUR LEFT.

Doing as she requested I took notice of her iPod placed on my iPod loudspeaker sitting innocently on top of the counter. Frowning at that, Bella never went anywhere without her iPod, I went back to the note.

YOU BETTER BE GRATEFUL FOR THIS MISTER!

I ALREADY FEEL NAKED JUST KNOWING THAT I'M LEAVING IT BEHIND.

OKAY, SO LET ME LET YOU GET BACK TO THE TASK AT HAND.

PRESS PLAY, THERE'S A SONG ALL SET TO SEE YOU THROUGH THIS, AND HOP IN.

REMEMBER, I'M STILL HERE FOR YOU.

She closed the letter with an actual kiss. I could smell the barely there scent of watermelon and see the light pink smudge clearly on the page. I couldn't help it; I brought my own lips to the smudge and lightly pressed my lips to it. My cheeks warmed up with a slight blush as my lips were left with a glimmer of her paper kiss.

Avoiding looking in the mirror I traced my lips, the telltale feel of a slow, all consuming fire smoldering their plumpness deliciously. I smiled a little sad, whishing I could truly feel her lips on mine, and trade kisses until I couldn't tell where I'd lost count of our exchange. I sighed, now fully unclothed and face the shower as I pressed play on Bella's iPod.

BohemianRhapsodyby Queenblared from the speakers, lips twitched with a chuckle trying to escape me. This was one of our favorite songs, Bella's and mine, because it had a deeper meaning to us just behind the lyrics that seemed to talk only of our fears.

I had five minutes and fifty-seven seconds to get through this…

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide,

I turned the tap and the rush of water joined in the harmony of the song along with the pounding of my heart. Closing my eyes I braced myself, asking whomever would listen to give me the strength to get through this without going into a panic attack.

No escape from reality

Open your eyes,

I did as the song asked and trying not to over think it, I hoped in the shower.

Look up to the skies and see,

Looking to the ceiling I felt my muscles tense and a tremor run through me as the shower rained on me and I fought the instinct to take flight. Breathing hard and labored I watched the steady spray that expelled from my lips every time I breathed through my mouth. It wasn't helping. Not the song and not the breathing. My body shook, as the tendrils of water seemed to solidify into wet, heavy fingers that were trying and succeeding to take me under.

I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,

Because I'm easy come, easy go,

Little high, little low,

I was cold but my nerve endings seem to be reminding my brain that the water was scalding.

"Bella," I choked out. "Bella…" I braced myself against the wall, feeling them closing in on me as the water pulled me down and under. I strained my ears, hoping to hear Bella's voice in the mist of my own personal storm's clamor. Nothing. Just the sound of the mocking water and the song bounced off the walls with a deafening force. Flashes of the past flooded behind my eyes as I closed them, attempting to detach myself from the moment.

Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me

Mama,

Just killed a man,

Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger,

now he's dead

Dead. They were dead. I saw their bloated, ghostly faces, twisted with pain floating before me; water pouring from their every pore and their lifeless eyes stared at me, forever frozen in a state of panic. It had all been my fault. I shouldn't have–

Mama, life had just begun,

But now I've gone and thrown it all away

Mama, oooh,

Didn't mean to make you cry,

I didn't mean for their death, despite my selfishness. If only I hadn't prolonged our leave. If only we had left early, maybe…

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,

Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

We had been in the boat, setting sail to our new life when the storm hit without any warnings. There had been a promising overcast too, no storms should have been in sight, and we had been so close… just a few waves away from the La Push pier. But it was too late…

Too late, my time has come,

Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time

Everything was grey, foggy, and wave after wave crashed into us, until they overturned our boat. It felt like we were being swallowed by a greater monster that clung to us no matter how far away we swam from it because it kept swallowing and swallowing without showing any sign of tiring.

Even so, we fought against the unfeasible force of the unforgiving sea, kicking and punching at the deranged water and its eagerness to swallow us whole and pull us under. I cried and screamed at my parents when they seemed to give up on themselves and started to prioritize on only keeping me above water as they began to sink.

Cradled in the water's drowning arms, I anchored my sight on my parents until they sank out of view, taken from me as the storm around me roared its load laughter. The last memory I had of them was of their skin, grey and clammy keeping me aloft and trying to show no fear on the face of nature's terror, their love shining through.

Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

My consciousness slipped from my grasp and I hoped I wouldn't die. I didn't want my parents efforts to go to waist, lost at sea.

Mama, oooh, I don't want to die,

I later learned that Bella, of nine years of age, was the one that saved me that day. She was the first one to spot me and without any reservations to her own safety swam the few strokes it took to reach me and took me back to shore, almost drowning herself in the process. It was a miracle I hadn't smashed into any rocks, she later pointed out.

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

I see a little silhouette of a man,

When I first came to, I thought I had died and was assigned an Angel closer to my age as not to set me on frenzy at heaven's doors, I supposed. She was prettier than anyone I had ever seen, with dark braded hair and big, warm, gentle brown eyes that stared worriedly at me. Heaven hurt, I figured after a few moments of ogling this beautiful Angel unabashedly. Hey, I was a boy of eleven and I was dead, there was nothing that could be mortifying at that point. How mistaken had I been…

Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango!

Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me

Galileo, Galileo

I felt hands, little, delicate hands pressing with forceful and scorching accuracy down on my chest, trying to get my heart pumping again. Something warm trickled down the sides of my mouth.

"Please, please be alive…" someone prayed and I hoped without hope.

Thatfeelsnice, I remember thinking as I felt hands gently brushing through my hair and patting my face.

Galileo, Galileo

Galileo, Figaro - magnifico

I remembered vomiting salt water and what felt like acid on what looked like a pair of quivering knees, thinking that I was only dreaming.

"Billy! Dad! There's a boy here, help!" a voice shuddering with cold hollered with urgency. I was slipping under again when, suddenly, I was shaken to again.

"Sweetheart, we're coming! Sue, call an ambulance."

"Bella!"

"Here, Dad!"

I screamed and tried to run away, thinking that the holds of the sea were trying to shackle me back into their depths.

"Dad, hurry!" she cried, hearing my agony.

I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me

He's just a poor boy from a poor family,

Spare him his life from this monstrosity

"Isn't heaven not supposed to hurt?" I asked my Angel with a grimace, almost indignant. I saw relief flood the Angel's features before a radiant smile graced her lips.

"You're not dead, silly!" she laughed, sounding relieved.

"I'm not?" I was incredulous, to say the least, and in a world of pain. Momentarily the thought that she wasn't an Angel crossed my mind, but I pushed it aside for later before I could get embarrassed. "My parents…" I suddenly remembered as I tried to get up, trying to get back into the water.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go

Bismillah! No, we will not let you go

(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go

"I didn't see anyone else," my Angel informed me quietly, avoiding my frenzied eyes. "I'm sorry." She held on to me tightly as I trembled with cold, rage, pain, and hopelessness. Suddenly feeling all my strength leave me, I understood the finality in her voice and accepted what I could not change with crushing inevitability. I had been so naïve to hope.

"Bella why are you drenched? Are you hurt?"

"Dad! Please, make sure he's okay, I found him and I thought he was dead…" my Angel was crying again. For my sake. I wanted to comfort her but my arms and my body wouldn't obey me and move. "You can ground me later for acting without thinking…"

(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go

(Let me go) Will not let you go

(Let me go)(Never) Never let you go

(Let me go) Never let you go (Let me go) Ah

"Kid, are you… what's your name?" someone other than my Angel asked and I couldn't bring myself to answer, too wrapped up in sudden feeling of being alone that was taking hold of my heart and making me choke on air. "Can you understand what I'm saying to you?"

Yes, I wanted to say but the words wouldn't form.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye

So you think you can love me and leave me to die

Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

"Dad, let me," I heard my Angel say. "Hey, what's your name?" she asked me quietly and I looked at her and her solemn eyes. Steadily my breathing eased and I held myself to her, afraid of letting go. Afraid that she was someone I had made up at the brink of death.

"Jasper," I breathed hoarsely. "Jasper Callias Whitlock, Ma'am. What's yours?" I felt her smile against my cheek and she momentarily tighten her hands around me. She was so warm…

"Jasper Callias Whitlock," she repeated. I assumed it was for her father's benefit. "My name is Isabella Swan, but you can call me Bella."

"Bella," I breathed, feeling momentarily at ease as my lids grew heavy and I held her tightly to me.

"And this is my dad, Chief Charlie Swan…" I heard her last words as if from a great distance before I was under again.

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,

Nothing really matters,

After, as you could imagine, water became my one fear. No, saying water is my fear is an understatement. Water terrifies me. No, water is my phobia to the extent that I can't shower unless Bella or someone I truly trust is just outside my bathroom door talking me through it every single day. I can't even get close to a body of water without becoming clammy, sweaty, and my vision dimming. You could imagine my hysteria when I learned that seventy-five percent of the human body is water. I went into a panic attack and blacked out before Bella could talk me out of it. To this day, if I dwell too long on it, sometimes I hyperventilate at the horror of the thought. Still, I have Bella, and Bella has me to see me through her own phobia. We have each other.

Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows...

Thinking of Bella and the past helped me get a grip on reality and by the time the song was done I was able to move and wash my body in spite of the petrifying fear that still tried to choke me through the warm tendrils of water trying to rip me apart as they slid down my body. I shivered and trembled with every drop that felt too tight on my throat, trying to overcome and focus on washing myself. I didn't trust myself enough to close my eyes, but I did as I washed my hair and Bella's iPod kept on playing.

Remembering the music I tuned in, trying to calm my jittering breath.

…I thought I could organize freedom

How American of me

This is who I am

You figured it out, didn't you?

You could smell it

So you left me on my own

To complete the mission

Now I'm leaving it all behind

I'm going hunting…

I tuned out once again as my eyes fluttered open and I braced myself against the storm I felt was going around me. After a moment, as if Bella was talking in my ear I realized that everything was fine and I was still in my tile-covered bathroom and hurried along.

I tuned back into the chorus of a new song and listened, hoping it would sooth me as I washed the last of the soap away.

You find your faith has been lost and shaken

You take back what's been taken

Get on your knees and dig down deep

You can do what you think is impossible

Keep on believing, don't give in

It'll come and make you whole again

It always will, it always does

Love is unstoppable

Love, it can weather any storm

Bring you back to being born again

oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most

A lighthouse shinning on the coast

That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt

And you think that there's no way out…

I turned off the iPod once I was toweled dry; my hair had been styled into a perfect mess after a lot of effort, and had my clothes on the right way. Don't judge me, I was hungry and for a moment, while my stomach had been complaining, I had put my shirt on backwards… Bella had chosen for me one of my button-down shirts with short sleeves, blue-grey and one of her favorites (she said it made my equally blue-gray eyes pop), and my snug low-rise, washed-out, and ripped jeans. It was comfortable so I couldn't complain.

As I went to put my towel on the hook behind the bathroom door I found another post-it, this one neon green. It almost hurt my eyes to look at it.

FOLLOW THE NEXT SET OF ARROWS

THEY ARE JUST OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM DOOR.

BE GOOD AND GOOD LUCK!

Smiling brightly and feeling refreshed, despite my moment panic, I did as I was told willingly and happily. Happily until I saw that those damned arrows lead to my right and away from the kitchen and the delicious smell of breakfast. I almost gave up when I suddenly realized that the direction the arrows were leading me was the one area of the house Bella had deemed out of bounds to me for almost a month now. Curiosity trumping over my stomachs rumbling hunger I went the instructed way.

Pushing aside the plastic construction site white tarp dividing the part of the living room, I stepped through. I gaped at wall all of five minutes, barely able to blink.

"How…" I breathed out in awe of Isabella Swan, my friend extraordinaire. Maybe my little dig at her mocking title was nothing far from the truth after all. Vaguely, I remembered one afternoon, at the beginning of last month, when Bella had come over dragging a projector behind her and threatened to castrate me if I so much as touched it without her permission and then disappeared without staying to visit. The next day, she did much the same. Only, this time around, she had brought that damned tarp, tightly wrapped under her arm like an oversized football and had set everything up and then left, but not before making it a "No Jasper Callias Whitlock Site".

I tried reminding her that it was my home and I could very well go where I damned pleased to disastrous developments. That led to a reminder of my impending castration, unless I obeyed. Needles to say, I raised no further argument, she was one of those that meant what she said and said what she meant, if you get my drift. With nothing further to argue about she had left, leaving me to pout after her for not paying attention to me for the remainder of the month. Now that I think about it, I never saw her bring in any paint.

I chuckled darkly at the memory and was glad that I had followed through… though I had come close once to braking down and giving in to temptation, but Bella had found me red-handed before I could set foot into the forbidden zone and lets just say I almost ended with my balls handed over to me in a little frilly box turned into Petit Fours. I shuddered at the painful image.

Now, back to the here and now; I took in every single detail of my wall in and admired it. I could not believe Bella had turned my wall into a landscape version of that Japanese painting, a portrait, we had seen once in an Asian art fair and fallen in love with. I fell in love with it because the woman depicted in the canvas ever so elegantly and gently resembled the Bella I saw in my mind's eye with uncanny acuity. Of course, Bella had her own reasons all together that I new nothing of for falling in love with this very portrait, but I was sure they couldn't possibly be the same.

My wall was now painted a pale gold and delicate, brown lines that rounded in certain key places formed the face, hair, and eyes of the woman. Her delicate eyes, peach mouth, and her hair, which spiraled and twisted around her form, like a silken blanket, were my favorite features. Over the pale gold there was a darker one, leaning more on a mustard color, mixed with browns that formed a sort of serene smudging all over the empty space, making her seem suspended in time, and then there was the delicate brightening of the upper right corner, cast in a canary yellow.

All of this was set in such a way that the image seemed to be draining at the very center of the wall, bringing focus to what the woman was cradling with such love that it brought a softening to her features. Only pure love could accomplish that, I remembered being told. Love had been captured and frozen forever for anyone to see, it was breathtaking.

The focus of the painting is what the enamored woman is cradling in her arms, four orbs of varying hues of blues and aqua tones, shaped like little, peaceful hurricanes. They looked like they were, either, the windows to her soul or the windows to the universe. I had yet to decide on which, though I was beginning to lean on the theory that it was probably a mesh of the two. Again; Breathtaking.

My admiring came to an end when I spotted another sticky-note, yellow this time, and approaching the wall, reached for it.

LOOK BEHIND YOU

Heart hammering, I deliberately did as I was told and turned to face the wall that I liked to call an island, because it was slightly wider than I with my arms spread and was just in the middle of the room. Hence, the island nickname. My disappointment only lasted a second as I spied yet another of my favorite paintings painted on my wall.

This one was more eccentric and a little eclectic, with bold lines and colors. The background was ox red and in the middle was the beheaded silhouette of a woman that ended at the curving of her hips. Just over her left shoulder, there was a hallowed electric-blue rectangle with a forest-green solid one underlining it. It was very simple, but beautiful.

I blushed lightly looking at it. I had never told Bella why this peace was one of my favorites. Not that I would, ever. I couldn't. And even if I could, I wouldn't. The reason behind my fascination with this singular canvas is that the shape of the woman depicted was similar to Bella's. Therefore, it was an arousing image to me. I couldn't possibly tell the girl I was in love with that, especially when I couldn't even tell her my own feelings.

In part, the reason I wouldn't tell Bella about my feelings had to do with my fear of her not reciprocating and then our friendship of ten year coming to end, but really, that was just an excuse. The real reason lay in that I was the exact definition of damaged goods. How could a woman like Bella fall for someone as damaged as I? Sure, she loves me as a friend, but I practically enforced that friendship on her.

You see, after I was released from the hospital my dad's best friend, Carlisle Cullen, had taken me in and Bella was my savior and the only familiar face I knew. Naturally, I stuck to her like white on rice. I was comfortable with her, she knew my fear and understood it. I didn't have to explain myself to her. And then, later, when her own fear was made known, we had an equal understanding and a silent agreement to be there for each other when our fears managed to get the better of us.

I would never say that our friendship was as easy as breathing. No, it was grating, harsh, discordant, and at times unhealthy, but we worked and fought to keep it alive because we knew that no one could understand us like we understood each other. We got on e ach other's nerves.

Our friendship was something often frowned upon, we pushed away as many people as we tried to keep in. there were a lot of tears shed in the process, a lot of making up and apologies. In the end, we were the sole survivors of our own intricate play of walking on eggshells, with her family behind her and I with Carlisle's support. Now, in our lives there was Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie. They were the only three that seemed to understand enough not to frown or judge, which sometimes earned them an inkling into our world and a place in our hearts.

Smiling I picked up my next instructions;

TO THE KITCHEN, YOU

I KNOW YOUR STOMACH MUST BE COMPLAINING

GO ON, HAVE A GO AT IT, IT'S ALL YOUR FAVE

Relieved, I hightailed it and made my merry way to kitchen to sate my hunger, promising myself that I would come back to admire my gifts some more.

OoO

A/N: There's more to come... this turned out to be longer than I had anticipated before... give me some reviews, please?