Author's Note: This one is my attempt at angst. It was inspired by a song I heard recently and I obsessively listened to it.
Owning the Moment
The plane was scheduled to take off in four hours. Maura shook her head, surprised she could not make her hand pick up the last of her clothes and place them in the suitcase. She bit her bottom lip, mind totally blank. It was all so surreal. The open suitcase seemed to mock her. Just a visit, for a weekend, that's all it was supposed to be, all it could be. Maura frowned. Deliberately she packed the last piece of clothing and zipped up the bag with shaking fingers. Astonished, she stretched out her hand and became fascinated by the lack of motor control. She was unraveling.
"You ready?" Jane asked from the bedroom doorway. "Let me get that for you."
Maura was in no position to verbally respond. Her throat felt dry, tight. She kept swallowing but it didn't help. She nodded in what she hoped was a normal way because her muscles felt jerky, stiff. Jane smiled, grabbing the suitcase's handle. Maura watched it slide off the bed, mildly disturbed she felt so out of control. Jane looked back before crossing the threshold. Staring at the carpet, Maura felt heat invade her cheeks and ears.
"Thanks." Her response sounded hollow to her own ears.
She wondered if Jane noticed and risked a quick peek at the other woman. It was a mistake. Maura knew it, had tried to avoid it. Looking at Jane was like being branded and yet, she could not look away. A woman's face, chronicling triumph and heartache, wisdom and beauty, smiled at her with love. Inside something broke away and fluttered to the very bottom of Maura's stomach. Acceptance shone in Jane's dark eyes. Too much crumbled inside of her and Maura looked away, convinced Jane could see into her darkest depths. It was a weekend, just a weekend between friends. The breath left Maura. Tears gathered in the corners of her bright green eyes. She bit the inside of her mouth, moving away as if performing a final cursory check on the room. Everything had changed.
She was relatively certain she was thinking but about what proved to be elusive. There was a force building inside of her. She wanted to keep it there until sometime…some other place. Each step out of the room was like the tick of a clock. If Jane touched her, Maura worried she would shatter. Holding her breath, she forged ahead, careful to avoid even the suggestion of incidental contact.
Jane suddenly called out. "I had so much fun with you, Maura. Thanks for coming."
Maura stopped and slowly pivoted, yet another mistake in a long line of mistakes. They were facing each other on the stairs, Maura a few steps below. It was nearly impossible to meet those brown eyes because, she felt it, couldn't help but feel it. Focusing on the a spot just past Jane's left temple, Maura struggled. All weekend she had managed to keep it together, had endured every innocent touch and look. She had accepted every friendly hug, be it quick or lengthy, desperately trying not to sink into them. Maura's heart jumped with each one. The husky laughter, late night talks, the swift routine they developed sharing a space…the images kept rolling over Maura…how Jane's back arched when she stretched…the damp scent of her in the early morning…the accidental glimpses of skin that gradually went from dark to shades lighter.
"I…had fun." It was lame, her response, but Maura didn't care, it was all she could muster. Anything more would have gutted her. The faint lowering of eyebrows disclosed Jane's confusion but she remained silent.
The ride to the airport was too tense, too quiet. Maura didn't care. She was almost free. Nothing was more urgent than leaving. The passing scenery was endlessly fascinating or, at least, that's what she hoped Jane thought as she kept her head turned to the window. It took only twenty minutes to reach the airport. Twenty minutes and, now that she arrived, so close to departing, Maura, perversely, so badly wanted to stay. She ordered her body to exit the car and felt nauseated.
"I'll check in." Maura said briskly and took her suitcase and left without breaking. She didn't look back. It was a calculated move to gain her some space, a few minutes to collect herself before the inevitable.
Maura stood at the counter, the compact bag at her feet as she waited. The line was moving too fast and not fast enough, a bewildering circumstance. Inside, she could feel the stitches of her mended heart begin to sever. The sensation of discovery, of acceptance kept rising. She wanted to laugh and cry simultaneously without knowing why. Strange, how she knew…she knew…something was going to change everything. When every reason had been explained away, when every excuse toppled against the truth, she was left with no other choice but acceptance. Because, for the very first time, Maura Isles was naked, lacking denial and self-delusion.
Whether she desired it or not, the moment was upon her. She hadn't escaped anything, merely moved the apodictic confrontation from a private to public venue. There was no more room to run. Regret for what was about to transpire was thick in her throat. Mechanically she answered the ticket agent's questions, handed over her bag. When there was nothing left to delay it, Maura expelled a breath, resigned herself to what was to come. She turned around and stepped aside.
People walked by, some quickly, others slowly but all of them passed between the two women. Jane was leaning against the car, arms crossed, a serious expression on her face. It sent a jolt through Maura and she stood still, unable to move. Sunshine bounced off ebony strands and olive skin. Jane looked achingly attractive. The sight of her pierced Maura's chest. It was amazing, how the mere glimpse of someone could so thoroughly decimate her.
Their eyes met. Jane straightened up, pushed her hands in the front pockets of her jeans. One by one, Maura's defenses fell, so simply, it was as if they had never existed. Jane shifted from one foot to the other, a swath of hair covered one side of her face. Maura's body surged, so attuned, achingly so, to any movement Jane made. Nothing mattered then, not the pain that was beginning to blossom deep in her chest, nor the uncontrollable trembling that overtook her muscles. Jane took a tentative step over the curb, her shoulders a little hunched forward. The vulnerability of her approach and confusion on her face stole Maura's breath. She longed to soothe the worried lines creasing Jane's skin, to gently tender an explanation that wouldn't hurt her.
There was a freedom, a joyous abandon in absolute disclosure. Maura's heart lifted, soared over the negative aspects of her circumstances. The weekend had been a confirmation, a litmus test and the paper turned a scarlet red. She needed to know, beyond all doubt, whether 'if' could possibly become 'when'. The answer wasn't a surprise, had never really been in doubt.
It happened the other morning when the sun was rising over the treetops. They hadn't been to bed, had actually stayed up all night talking until their throats were raw. Maura's heart thumped against her ribs as Jane snuggled into a pillow and faced her. Maura could see the slivers of light brown around the black pupils of Jane's eyes. She felt so close, the intimacy of whispered hopes and dreams throughout the night giving her courage. The nameless yearning inside of her pleaded to be set free. Slowly, Maura's hand lifted. Her fingertips brushed aside a few tendrils of brunette hair curling at Jane's temple. Her reaction wasn't rushed, nor hesitant but completely natural: Jane gently clasped her friend's hand and removed it from her face. The absence of intensity, the complete lack of emotion on her face caused Maura's stomach to shrivel. Jane scooted back, then turned away, yawning, "I'm so sleepy."
The weekend hadn't been about uncovering Jane's feelings; they were unequivocal. It had been for Maura to find acceptance, to embrace the truth, devoid of shame and self-loathing.
Maura's feet began to move, each step increasing with confidence. Now that the drain of deception had been relieved, she felt buoyant, despite or probably because of the steps she took toward and not away from Jane. Love flowed through her. Every crevice and crack filled with it. On the heels of such an incredible high, Maura sensed the incoming roll of devastation. But it hadn't reach her…not yet, no, because love was like a drug, inhibiting anything else. Someone lightly bumped into her shoulder but she didn't falter. The need, it was growing, to be within Jane's orbit. Her steps quickened until she came to an abrupt stop a few feet in front of Jane.
Maura, wordless, spoke with her eyes.