Author's Note: Thanks to rizzleslvr72 for her opinions. She came damn close to Beta'ing for me, lol, highlighting in red no less. I'm pretty sure I just gave her a present, like a literary cookie! And she said she'd never Beta for me...
Perception Part 4
The phosphorescent lights were suspended from the ceiling by sturdy cables evenly spaced in order to illuminate the entire long, narrow room. A row of five switches was mounted on the wall by the door. Maura flipped them up, one at a time, and watched as the darkness faded. Everything was exactly as she had left it the night before after leaving for the day. Tiredly she leaned against the doorjamb, not quite ready to cross the threshold. It was comforting, the sights and sounds and she took a second to appreciate it. When the familiarity began to seep in, an altogether hostile, contradictory feeling swept it away: it was just another day. No one was going to charge in and light the room up without the benefit of electricity. No one was going to stop by with coffee, makes plans to have dinner with her, or touch her affectionately. Mentally, Maura shook off the melancholy. Irregular humming emitted from the lights as she pushed off from her perch and entered the autopsy room. Just beyond the metal tables, off to the left, was the office door. With even steps, Maura headed that way, going through the day's 'to-do' list embedded in her brain. By rote, she filled the Keurig with a green tea container then put the mug in place. While it percolated, she went about all the other habitual tasks that marked the beginning of a medical examiner's day.
There was nothing to engage her mind, not with all the autopsies performed and paperwork completed. For the last four months she had been a model of efficiency, completely absorbed and slightly obsessed about procedure, training, and organization. Stepping up her game was impressive, given the high level of performance previously obtained. Yet no matter how hard she tried, Maura couldn't fill twenty-four hours. There was always time to think about Jane. Certainly, she had utilized the time spent apart in a productive manner. Since the epic restaurant scene, Maura had implemented several key statewide policy changes, instituted mentor programs for entry level personnel, and decisively allowed her social life to wither like a neglected houseplant. Anything outside of work was an unnecessary distraction.
While the computer booted up, she stowed her purse in the desk's lowest drawer. An empty ceramic mug rolled around on the bottom but Maura ignored it, closing the drawer with a soft click. For whatever reason, for many reasons, she hadn't gotten rid of Jane's coffee mug. Maura planted her elbow, cupping her chin, fingers gently tapping her closed mouth. Various alerts chimed from the computer, announcing start-ups and notifications and other things. Usually the volume was muted but in recent months Maura discovered a fascination with orchestration. In a rather strange way, the digital noise reminded her of a circus and she fiddled with different applications, different alerts so that when the computer went through its startup process, it closely resembled a weird version of carousel music.
Once the computer went silent, Maura heaved herself upward and retrieved the cup of tea. As she sipped, she looked around the room, eyes not seeing the framed photos and certificates, the few keepsakes from her travelling years and regulation furniture. Nothing really registered behind her vacant green eyes. Every day she smiled when called for, spoke when necessary, and executed every responsibility brought forth by her profession. She derived a certain level of comfort from the automatous existence, grateful to have tasks to accomplish that didn't require feelings and emotions.
Absently Maura blew away the strangled wisp of steam rising from her cup. On the agenda for the day was a web-conference with the several key coroners across the state, lunch with a colleague, and a meeting with a district councilor. Notwithstanding, if a suspicious death transpired, an autopsy would take precedence over any meticulous plans she may made.
The familiar tone discharging from her cell phone had the power, months ago, to make her heart leap with anticipation. Now, all she felt was a calm acceptance, an impartiality and her heart sustained its normal rhythm.
"We have a body."
Maura picked up a pen from her desk, asked for the address, then promptly wrote it down on the notepad.
"Maur?"
Resentment flared but the initial spark petered out, denied oxygen. What moniker Jane selected to utilize was of little importance to her.
"Yes?" The small sound of a throat clearing reached across the line but Maura simply waited.
"I thought we could grab lunch today?"
"I'm sorry but I already have plans."
"What about dinner?"
Jane's persistence was a rarity these days. Maura suppressed an inkling of displeasure. The lines were clearly, sharply defined between them and she didn't see a basis to rezone. "Thank you for the invitation but—"
"When, Maura? When will you be available?"
Logically, she couldn't uncover a reason to refuse Jane's request. The truth was all she had. "I don't see the advantage—"
"You don't just don't abandon—"
"Jane, this is counterproductive—"
The phone went dead, transmitting the end of the call. Maura finished her tea then gathered her things. There was a body to collect. Quickly she texted Susie to cancel the conference, consult her Outlook calendar and reschedule it for the next available block of time. At the door, however, a nagging detail pulled at her. Maura grimaced then strode over to her desk and opened the bottom drawer. She picked up Jane's coffee mug then dropped it in the wastebasket on the way out.
The crime scene depicted its customary characteristics. Uniformed officers kept onlookers behind the yellow tape. Lights were flashing. The gathering crowd murmured as they watched. Maura checked her watch. It had taken her twenty minutes to arrive, from the time of Jane's call until she ducked under the perimeter tape. Not bad considering it's across town, she thought then scanned the landscape before approaching the body. Jane's unmarked sedan pulled up behind the EMT van and the brunette exited the car, followed by Frost. The sun bounced off the sleek ponytailed tresses. Maura looked away.
When Maura carefully walked around the body she beckoned the crime scene photographer, instructing him to take a few more after consulting which angles he had already covered. She set her field kit nearby then extracted a pair of gloves.
"Been here long?" Jane asked, her hand sweeping the air.
"Hi, Dr. Isles." Frost said then retreated a few inches as he watched the medical examiner inspect the gunshot wound which separated the victim's skull.
"Hello, Barry. How are you?" Maura straightened. "Just arrived."
"Uh, I need to check with the officers first on the scene." Barry announced a bit awkwardly which caused Maura to focus her attention on the detectives.
It didn't take Maura long to figure out Jane had told her partner to give them some privacy. The maneuver was evincing if Barry's sheepish expression and Jane's scowling face were any indicators. Maura increased her defenses, always alert and cautious in Jane's presence.
"Maur, we need to talk."
The medical examiner coolly surveyed Jane, taking note of the dark circles under her eyes, the haggard pallor of her skin. Details noticed but discarded. Whatever was going on with the detective and the physical manifestation of it was explicitly none of Maura's concern. "Do you have a question about a case?"
"No, damnit and you know it." Jane advanced, the space between them too minimal, too invasive.
Maura's heart tripped.
Stopping just shy of touching Maura, Jane loomed. "It doesn't matter what you say, how you treat me, Maura. We need to fix this."
The declaration gave birth to a molecule of anger within Maura. A piece of her was awakening. Under the current circumstances, it was a variation Maura privately rallied against. Previous interactions with this woman had taught her the depths of self-preservation. Unwilling to give the impression of being cowed, Maura lifted her chin and stared boldly into brown eyes that used to captivate her.
"I enjoy our present association, Jane." Her words pricked like a barb but that hadn't been Maura's goal. "We are cordial and professional—"
"Jane." Barry interrupted, reluctance causing his tone to lower. "Some detectives from the 21st are claiming jurisdiction."
Maura smiled warmly. "It's fine, Barry. I'm done here."
The weight loss wasn't more apparent than when she disrobed. Maura's eyes stopped seeing the sharp outline of bone beneath pale, white skin. Each day she went to the gym, ate nutritious meals, took her vitamins, went to bed and popped a few pills to sleep. Anyone looking at her would never suspect her life was anything other than happy, rewarding. The bitter smile distorting her generous lips was brief. In spite of everything that had happened, Maura could not move on, not entirely. The reasons why haunted her. It did not make sense that something so profoundly felt had only been one-sided. A cold shiver prickled her skin as she turned away from the mirror. It was only nine o'clock but she had already turned down the bedspread.
Her eyes travelled down the reflection's length, dispassionate and uncritical. The full breasts that once swelled within the lacy cups of a bra no longer did, forcing her to purchase smaller undergarments. Maura turned slightly, surprised the prominence of her hip and ass had decreased as if overnight. Avoiding the mirror, she shrugged a nearby robe on, tightly tying the sash, again a little startled by the changes in her body. The bedroom lights were dim, launching soft shadows across the cream colored carpet. Maura hugged herself but didn't otherwise move. Her bed was so neatly made, nothing amiss, it was hard for her to imagine the sheets pulled from their moors, the comforter pushed away and pillows tumbling to the floor…but it had happened. Blinking, Maura's thoughts returned to the present.
She clicked off the bathroom's light then scrubbed her head with a dry towel. Wet strands of burnished honey were jostled about like clothes in a dryer as she stepped into the bedroom. Finished with the towel, she picked up the comb on the dresser then sat down on the bed as she untangled her hair. Her movements were mechanical, requiring no thought at all but Maura found her mind roaming. Lotion was applied, the towel put into the laundry bin, and her teeth brushed. Thoughts, random and idle, floated around in her head, none really staying for very long. A quiet dissatisfaction wormed it's way through the newly conceived numbness. It was the only dissention marring a perfectly benign night. The wobbling in her head remained despite the many times she tried to steady it. Too tired and apathetic to uncover the origin of the disturbance, Maura abandoned it and prepared for bed. Before settling in for the evening, she absently checked her phone and was startled to find a text from Jane.
"Open the door."
Maura checked the time stamp and her heart fluttered. Dread was like a cold caress along her skin, making her shudder. Her mind went blank while she grappled with what to do. Her body, however, was adamantly taking her across the room and down the stairs. Every step bringing her closer to the front door heightened the anger inside until she was fairly vibrating with it. The sheer arrogance of the detective's action unleashed a firestorm of outrage within Maura. Hands shaking, she nevertheless managed to twist the deadbolt and flipped off the chain, yanking the door open.
Jane didn't wait to be invited inside. She pushed past Maura and went directly to the kitchen which caused Maura no small amount of animosity. After relocking the front door, she strode after Jane, fists at her sides.
The brunette had an elbow over the refrigerator's open door while she leaned in, evidently looking for something. When she didn't find it, Jane straightened and quietly closed the door.
"You don't have any beer." Jane needlessly announced, as if the discovery was a startling revelation.
"Why would I?" Maura's tone was practically glacial, at odds with the fire in her green eyes. There were dozens of thoughts vying for dominance in her mind, a phenomenon which didn't normally fluster her. Jane's unexpected presence, however, shook all of Maura's carefully erected walls, causing her composure to falter.
Jane had the wherewithal to look slightly embarrassed. Her shoulder lifted a little then settled back into place. "Old habit, I guess. Sorry."
"Why are you here, Jane?" Maura nimbly maneuvered around the other woman, targeting the wine.
"I…we need to talk, Maur."
Swiftly, she whirled around, wine glass forgotten as she advanced upon Jane. "Maura! My name is Maura. I don't have anything to say to you." When Jane didn't have an immediate reply, Maura resumed opening the wine. "You need to leave." The insolent way she tossed out the order was designed to make a point and to bolster her flagging confidence. Yet, all it took for Maura's control to snap was Jane's hand softly landing between her shoulder blades. "Get the hell out." She snapped, spinning around to face the other woman.
Jane stepped back quickly, her hands raised in a placating gesture. "Maura, just calm down. I told you I wasn't going anywhere."
"I don't give a damn what you say, what you think or what you want but I can be clearer, Jane, since obviously you're experiencing difficulties in comprehension." She pushed up the sleeves of her robe and closed the distance between them with two steps. "You're a self-absorbed, shallow asshole. I don't like you and the thought of being around you makes my skin crawl." Dismissively Maura turned around and faced the counter. Before she could pour the wine, Jane grabbed her wrist and swung her back around.
"Jesus Christ, look who's talking. You walk around like some zombie draggin' a crucifix all over the place!" Jane crowded her against the counter. "You never gave me a chance to tell you a damn thing, Maura. You ran before I could—"
Rolling her eyes, Maura scoffed. "It's been four months. If I had been running, I didn't get very far, did I, given the fact you're in my kitchen right now!"
Jane grabbed Maura's shoulders roughly. "Will you just stop it, for one minute? I'm trying to tell you some—"
"The only thing I want to hear from you… " Maura sneered, defiantly glaring into Jane's eyes. "…is goodbye."
"I didn't come here to—"
"What did you come here for, Jane?" Maura hissed. "Is Mitch not up to the task anymore?"
Bent over the counter's edge, hands braced behind her to keep from losing her balance, it suddenly dawned on Maura that Jane's body bore down on hers, their faces inches apart. The atmosphere mutated as their eyes, once locked in an angry battle, glittered with shards of a different kind of passion. A last surge of rage filled Maura. She clenched her teeth, ignoring the hot desperation in her lower body.
"I haven't seen Mitch since that night." Jane whispered, eyes fastening upon Maura's mouth.
Torn and dazed, Maura groped for indignation, for anything to help maintain the chasm separating them. Jane's confession, made in the kitchen's stillness, was all the more devastating for its seductive hesitancy amid their labored breathing.
With as much cruelty as she could muster, Maura taunted, "I'm sure there's a high probability you haven't fucked your way through Boston…yet."
Impervious to Maura's antagonism, Jane's body relaxed, seemed to sink further into Maura's. The intimacy of the position undid Maura in ways she hadn't anticipated, hadn't prepared for because she never once considered Jane would force the issue for so long. As for Jane, she looked stunned.
"I…I can't leave it like this." Jane shook her head slightly. "I miss you."
Maura turned her head away, biting her lower lip as she stared at the floor. Ears thudding with the fast and heavy tempo of her heart, hips and thighs pressed against Jane's, Maura was rapidly losing whatever shred of dignity and self-preservation she possessed. Her traitorous body thrummed with its own knowledge, its own power, blithely disregarding the weak instructions of her brain. Balanced on the razor's edge of self-respect and need, Maura waited, more spectator than participant. She tried to call forth one last hateful response, the dagger that would bleed the remnants of love and conclusively end things between them. The words scattered in her brain when their eyes met.
Jane lifted her hand, her fingertips gently tracing down the length of Maura's exposed neck. "You're so…."
Her touch bordered on worshipful, trailing down Maura's sensitive skin, summoning both passion and anger. A reminder and a promise, Jane's caress was the absolute last and first thing Maura wanted to feel. Trapped between the counter and Jane's unrelenting body, Maura held her breath. When she finally exhaled, the relief was short-lived. The action brought attention to her chest, drawing Jane's deference. Heat suffused Maura, until she couldn't think, until she was overwhelmed, thoroughly demoralized. When black eyes returned to green ones, searching and asking, everything Maura had been holding back came to the forefront. Their mouths met, not in tender absolution or love, but in a ferocity of mixed emotions. More punishment than anything else, Maura's tongue plundered as her fingers threaded their way through black tresses, anchoring Jane's head in a painful grip. Whimpering, Jane wedged her thigh between Maura's, her hands pushing aside the folds of Maura's silken robe. Frantic hands slid and palmed across the smooth expanse of Maura's lower back while the cold metal of a belt buckle dug into her stomach.
From a dark and deep place, Maura summoned enough control to tug back Jane's head, breaking their kiss. Lips swollen, eyelids half-lowered, throat revealed Jane was the picture of wanton surrender. The sight hurt in ways so achingly beautiful, Maura felt the impact reverberate throughout her body. She had been rejected by this woman. The anguish and injury of that fact hadn't vanished. It stiffened her spine, partially dispersing the lustful haze shrouding her better judgment. Very deliberately Maura's eyes inspected Jane's face. She tightened her hold of Jane's hair, watching the brunette wince.
"Tell me what you want, Jane." The words sizzled then fell like ashes.
Reflexively, Jane's fingers dug deeper into the flesh of Maura's ass.