Mayor Royale
Part 5: Right Wing, Left Wing, and Prison Wing!

A Kutlass Piece of Work

Disclaimer: Swat Kats: The Radical Squadron is © Hanna-Barbera/Warner Bros.

"What's that smell?"

"Smell's like somethin' burning…"

Dark Kat jumped up with a shriek. "My dark chocolate dooms-berry cookies!"

He was out of the room in a flash – certainly moving more quickly than any of the others imagined he could. There was an assortment of notable villains present in the Dark Den, with only a flimsy card table between them. The Metallikats, Dr. Viper, and a parking meter reader named Gus all sat stoically with playing cards in hand, with an assortment of money, jewels, and baseball cards piled in the center of the table.

Mac puffed on his stogy and flicked the ashes on the floor. "I says we look at his cards."

All of the villains unanimously agreed. Dr. Viper promptly reached out to flip over Dark Kat's cards. But as his hand neared the pile, a creepling swooped down from the ceiling and chomped down on his fingers.

"Yeowch! You nassssty pink vermin!"

All of the villains began laughing hysterically, as Dr. Viper lashed out at the creepling. But the small pink creature had already fluttered back into the darkness of the upper rafters. Dr. Viper grumbled, nursing his bitten hand. "That thing probably hassss rabiessss!"

Molly snickered. "You probably do too, frog-lips!"

Before Dr. Viper could wind up his tail for a crack at her, a swirling vortex suddenly appeared behind them. Arcs of electricity and a fierce wind swirled in the Dark Den, and the villains at the table all threw themselves onto the table to keep anything from blowing away.

"Sorry I'm late, boys! And Molly," The Pastmaster chirped, stepping out of the vortex, "Had to destroy a village of Minotaur this afternoon, and then had *all* this charred beef just lying around. So, I decided to open the first ever fast food chain: 'Burger Emperor.' Needless to say, I lost track of all time – and that's saying something for me!"

With a final rush of wind and a clap of thunder, the vortex closed in on itself and disappeared. The villains all groaned and grumbled, slowly getting off the table.

"Was that a time-and-space vortex I heard in here, you crazy kats?" Dark Kat came back into the room with a purple laced apron, holding a pan of smoldering black discs that perhaps were meant to be cookies.

"It's me, chubby-cheeks!" The Pastmaster greeted, "And it looks like I'm just in time for some of your hazardous cooking."

Dr. Viper suddenly looked even greener than usual. Mac picked up his cards with a huff. "Cmon, c'mon! Lets get on with the game! We'll deal you in, Pasty."

"Excellent, mwahahaha!" Pastmaster started towards the only available seat, which happened to be next to Gus, the parking meter reader. He began to sit, but paused. Gus averted his eyes and cleared his throat as the Pastmaster stood there, just glaring up at him. "I don't even own one of those infernal automotive contraptions on which you prey, yet still you sicken me. Hold out your hand, mortal."

Gus sighed, holding out his hand. The Pastmaster spit upon it, and then finally took his seat. Dark Kat by this time had scraped his cookies onto a plate and brought them to the card table. He settled into his seat, and picked up his cards. "Alright, let's see, I believe it was my turn. So…Molly!"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any 2's?"

"Go fish, Betty Crocker! Bahahaha!"

Dark Kat pouted, picking up a card from the center. The Pastmaster looked around, noting they were down in numbers. "Say, where's that sparky fellow- Hard Pressed, Jump Drive, Floppy Disk-?"

"Hard Drive's in the pokey, Pasty," Dark Kat replied, "Enforcers nabbed him in a sting operation. Found out he was the one hacking into their League of Bludgeoning accounts and selling them to teenagers overseas."

"Shame, too, since they just released the new expansion Barbarian Were-Bunnies." Mac commented.

"Suffice to say, he will not be joining us for 'Go Swim with the Fishes' night."

As if on cue, the lamp in the corner began sparking. Everyone turned towards it, eyes widening.

"Confound it, have one of you creeplings been chewing on the cord again!" Dark Kat bellowed, shaking his fist. Innocent chattering responded from above. In a spark of electricity, the aforementioned villain, Hard Drive, appeared in the Dark Den. He looked even cockier than usual.

"Easy big fella', its just me!"

Molly growled, throwing down her cards. "Geez, would yous guys take it easy on your *grand* entrances involving electricity! We're made outta' metal and circuits over here!"

"Hard Drive," Viper hissed, "How did you essscape the sssslammer? You're not bringing any heat here, are you?"

"Chill out, green bean," Hard Drive laughed, pulling up a seat, "They let me go."

Dark Kat nearly choked on his cookie. Mac and Molly's jaws dropped open. Viper's tail snapped back, catching Gus' chair leg and knocking him over. The Pastmaster jumped onto his seat. "Preposterous! Why would those stiff-tailed Enforcers release a criminal, no matter how much of a small-fry you are?"

"Don't you remember what day it is, nitwits?"

Mac pondered long and hard on this. "It's, uh, Tuesday?"

"Not just any Tuesday, buckethead, it's Election Day."

"Oh, big deal. We's never vote – except that one time when we all put 'Dark Kat's Butt' as a write-in candidate." Molly laughed.

"One day I'll get enough write-in votes, and these buttocks will be the undisputed ruler of Megakat City!"

"Anyway…" Hard Drive continued, "The Enforcers granted everyone amnesty, as long as we agreed to go and vote for Feral." He proudly pointed to a large campaign button pinned on his surge coat. The button featured the scowling face of Feral with large text that read, 'Vote, You Idiot!'

"Sheesh, maybe we shoulda' waited another week before bustin' out of the slammer, Mol."

"You idiot, Hard Drive's obviously playing us for saps. Feral would never do somethin' like that."

"Oh yeah?" With a snap of his fingers, and the tiny electric surge it produced, Hard Drive switched on Dark Kat's big screen TV. "It's all over the news, and apparently it's somehow completely legal!"

Dark Kat marveled at Hard Drive's trick. "You're better than a remote! Or a creepling who I command to change the channel when I lose the remote."

Everyone noted the many scratch marks on the otherwise impressive large screen TV. Ann Gora's voice quickly grabbed their attention, as she stood outside Enforcer Headquarters. A line of do-badders were forming a conga line out of the booking office and into the polling site next door. They all listened intently to the breaking story, as Ann confirmed Hard Drive's story.

"That'ssss jusssst messsssed up. And I'm a villain talking here!"

Everyone generally nodded in agreement. Hard Drive chuckled, leaning back in his chair and polishing his large Feral button. "Yeah, yeah, keep on bellyachin'. All I gotta' do is wear this button through the end of the night, and then it's back to business!"

Meanwhile, at Enforcer HQ…

"Sir, all they have to do is keep this button on until the polls close, and then we'll round them all back up with the GPS locator programmed into each one."

"I don't know Steele, this seems like a morally unethical means to obtain votes… and a bad idea in general."

"Look, sir, I need to be honest with you. There's no way your ground game can rival Manx's. You were down by just a few points in the latest polls, so we know we're within striking distance. If we release a few criminals-"

"All the criminals. You released all of the criminals, Steele."

"-okay, if we release *all* the criminals, using the executive action power the Mayor gave you a few years back –"

"-Because signing paroles made him feel soft. He mentioned that at our yoga class one time. I haven't approved a parole since."

" –then we just strongly urge the newly released, extremely grateful convicts to vote for you. It boosts our final push at the polls, and may even scare away a few Manx voters!"

"As long as we'll be lying through our teeth and going back on our promise to them after the election, that's all I'm concerned with."

"Of course!"

"Okay, that makes me feel better."

Steele patted the Commander on the back. They proceeded down through the back stairwell exit of Enforcer HQ, where no pesky reporters were lingering. "C'mon, sir, lets head to Dippin' Donuts and watch the results come in at your campaign party."

"Mm, yes. Heh heh, I bet Manx has ruined two toupees by now just sweating this day out. Oh, to see the look on his face when I win the election! On top of that, he'll owe me that five bucks we wagered."

"Very good, Commander. And, not that it matters to me all that much, but… have you given any consideration as to who your Deputy Mayor might be? Hmmmm?"

"I've given it lots of thought, and so far I'm down to three potential candidates."

"Oh sir, really, I'm touched-"

"Felina, Sargent, or the guy who cuts my hair."

Downtown Megakat City – Inside the "Vote-Mobile"

"Step on it, Call-ay!" Manx shouted through his megaphone, "We have 3 more districts to visit before the polls close!"

Callie gritted her teeth. The megaphone Manx was shouting through was mere inches away from her ringing eardrums. "Mayor, as we've discussed, megaphones are *not* for confined spaces. Please point that thing outside."

Manx lowered the megaphone with a huff. The "Vote-Mobile" was, by all appearances, a rusted out 70's VW bus with a giant red checkmark perched atop its roof. They couldn't go down certain streets with low-hanging stoplights. "Have you heard from the Swat Kats about my proposal yet? We're past the 11th hour and I need to know if I have their support!"

Callie bit her lip, unsure how to break it to him. "Weeeell, they felt uncomfortable using their vast pop culture appeal to endorse either candidate. So they're not going to draw your face into the clouds like you asked."

"Curse your scruples, Swat Kats!" Manx shouted through his megaphone, once again inside the car. Callie twinged.

"Mayor, I will drive this Vote-Mobile straight into Megakat Bay if you do not put that thing down. Immediately."

Manx sighed and moaned, slumping down into the passenger seat like a fussy kitten. "I want to wi-hi-hiiin sooo baaaad! Stupid Feral and his stupid campaign success! I hate him, I hate him!"

Callie checked her GPS to see how close they were to the bay. But her attention wavered as she noticed the sudden appearance of burning cars, rioting kats, and general mayhem on the streets around them. "This is turning into a pretty raucous evening, even for Megakat City."

"Now, now Call-ay. These are just spirited voters expressing their liberties in a democratic- is that person's hair on fire?"

"Which one?"

"The one with a samurai sword wearing a 'Vote, You Idiot!' button."

"I should -er- uh - *Someone* should call the Swat Kats!"

"Yes, they should get out here immediately and take those buttons off these ruffians!"

Callie rolled her eyes, and reached into her purse for the emergency klaxon.

Meanwhile – at Dippin' Donuts

"This is Ann Gora, live on the streets of Megakat City, which at the moment appears more like a war zone. We literally just had a stick of dynamite thrown into our news van-" The picture on the TV went to static, and a "Please Stand By" message scrolled across the screen. All of the Enforcers in Dippin' Donuts groaned.

"Hey, someone change it to The Bachelorette!"

A chorus of cheers resounded across the small donut shop, while a lone, grimacing Commander paced nervously up and down the front entrance way. His eyes narrowed at the chaos happening on the streets just outside his vantage point, and his scowl only deepened.

"I can't take it. I can't stand it anymore," Feral locked his hands over his head in agony, "I can't bear the sight of disorderly conduct! I must set up a perimeter, I must get chopper-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy big fella!" Steele jumped in front of the Commander, barring him from the door, "Just one more hour, and then the polls close. One more hour! Then you can go out, sweep up the scum in this town, and by morning sidle into your new seat at City Hall."

"Curse these moral dilemmas!" Feral shook his fists into the air dramatically, "I could sit here, comfortably enjoying donuts and an hour of watching strangers hot-tubbing and man-crying on TV, while I cruise into victory. Or, I could reclaim my honor and integrity by taking these criminals off the streets of Megakat City, upholding my sworn oath as an Enforcer."

"Hey, look! Katseye News is back on the air!"

Everyone's attention turned to the TV. Indeed, Ann Gora was front and center on the screen once more, but she looked a little charred around the edges. She was coughing heavily, pounding her chest as little puffs of smoke escaped. She finally looked up into the camera, gasping.

"Ann Gora, Katseye News, thankful to be reporting *alive* here on the streets of Megakat City. Before our feed cut-out, we were nearly blown to bits. I don't – I don't even know where you *find* dynamite these days. Thankfully, we were rescued at the last minute by the Swat Kats!" A riff of heavy metal music suddenly blared out from some unknown source behind Ann, drowning out the remainder of her words.

A cheer erupted from the Enforcers in the donut shop. Feral growled above the roar. "Shut UP, you idiots!"

The Enforcers were instantly silent. Feral's eyes narrowed at the screen. "Those stupid hot shots and their heroically pure motives! I'm not going to let them out-justice the Enforcers!"

And with that, Commander Feral was out the door. The rest of the Enforcers sat quietly, awkwardly, in their seats, not sure if they were supposed to –

"Get UP, you idiots!" Feral barked, sticking his head back through the door, "We're the Enforcers, and we're going to handle this!"

The Enforcers scrambled from their seats and poured out onto the hazardous streets of election-night in Megakat City. There was no doubt that much of the damage had already been done – random fires dotted the streets, mindless destruction was running rampant, and "Out of Order" signs hung on every gas station Slurpee machine. As the last Enforcer filed out of the campaign headquarters, Steele sighed heavily, very uncertain now at how their bid for City Hall would turn out. He sidled into a chair, picking up a half-opened donut box off the floor. He set it down on his lap and proceeded to munch on an apple fritter contained within. He switched the TV channel and watched as the Bachelorette handed out her last red rose for the evening. Funny, Rico Paulo was the last person he had expected to get one. He reached down for his phone, but saw that his mom had already sent him a text about it. "lolz, rico? smh. oh yea, gud luk w/ ur election tonite bae!"

As Megakat City continued to slip into chaos, it seemed more and more apparent that the final election results would really only matter if there was still a city left standing by morning.