Perception Part Five

Seconds were so slow in coming that the passing of each one felt like a countdown in Maura's head. Jane's breathing was shallow, clavicles pushing against skin with every inhalation. Her black eyes were fixed on Maura's. Jane's thoughts were mostly veiled but Maura could detect a glint of obeisance. Surprised to see the fleeting submission, she became confused and unknowingly released her hold on Jane's hair.

Tongue darting to wet her dry lips, Jane tilted slightly away. Her hands relaxed on Maura's body then drifted, fingers grazing against satin panties before completely retracting. The robe Maura had so neatly secured around her body was now agape, the sash coiled at their feet like a serpent. Cool air swirled over her responsive skin, contracting delicate, pink nipples. Hastily she reached for the sash with one hand while the other groped to reunite the sides of her robe. Jane quickly retreated a few feet to the side and turned her back, head bent with hands on her hips.

Maura swallowed. Spastic fingers fought to tie the ends of the sash into a bow. After several attempts, she succeeded, feeling a little less exposed. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, folding her arms across her chest. Unable to stop herself, Maura glanced at Jane's back and watched as the other woman's shoulders trembled, hunching forward. At first, Maura didn't feel anything, still reeling from what happened minutes ago. From the second Jane burst through the front door, Maura had been playing catch up. After months of emotional upheaval, she had been, at long last, on her way to an indifferent heart.

Empathy sprouted like a seedling inside of Maura. The urge to squish it nearly convinced her to walk away without a backward glance. In spite of the inclination to comfort Jane, the rancor held strongly to her, disallowing Maura to hide from it with impulses to console, to soothe. Slowly, she lowered her outstretched arm, dismayed by the automatic impulse to touch. Whatever Jane felt, whatever struggle she was going through, was none of Maura's business, not anymore. To harden her heart, Maura relied on the unrelenting memory of the last several months. Flashes of vivid detail taunted her as the soft echoes of words whispered in the dark provided a wrenching commentary.

The recollections had, over time, morphed into creations born from emotional interpretation and not precisely from actual fact. This is not to say that Maura's memories were false; in fact, she could summon all the bones and erect a complete skeletal facsimile. Yet, time and separation had a way of adding subjective flesh to all memories and in Maura's case it was no different. The pain remained but it lacked the singular focus it once possessed. Instead, at present, Jane's lack of trustworthiness was being featured in the retrospective playing in her head. That particular snippet inspired, not pain, but an incredible surge of resentment which buoyed her momentary lapse in judgment.

Coolly Maura repeated, "Tell me what you want, Jane."

The lithe brunette seemed to cringe before slowly turning toward Maura. Jane impatiently wiped her runny nose with the back of her hand then self-consciously dried her tears. Rather than meet Maura's frosty glare, her dark eyes would only rise so far. The wild tangle of black hair begged for a brush and belatedly Maura understood she had been the reason for such disarray. It was a realization that awakened unwanted feelings.

Jane's eyes skittered to the side as she bit her lip, frowning. Nodding, she apparently came to a decision when she squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. Then, she looked up, black eyes fearless.

"For you to be my friend. My best friend."

The statement was like a blow she knew was going to be delivered, just not when. Regardless, it made her heart feel like a juiced orange half, shredded and empty. Maura looked at Jane. Staving off the emotional upheaval Jane's words produced, Maura concentrated upon what was required of her, how she actually wanted to respond. It would have been easy to fall prey to impulsive reactions because of the heartache involved. She had months of wallowing in the stagnant waters of unrequited feelings. In order for them to move on, Maura knew honesty was the only way to get there.

"We should talk." Maura said, then walked across the room, saying over her shoulder, "Make yourself at home. I'm going to change."

Unable to pinpoint how she felt, Maura wasn't about to perform an introspective encounter while Jane waited downstairs. Besides, she had little else to do those estranged months other than to think about it all. Things between them needed to be clarified, questions asked and answered, if for no other reason than to lighten the baggage. Maura wiggled into some jeans and slipped into a cotton t-shirt, then padded downstairs, barefooted.

Jane had moved to the couch, a glass of amber liquid on a coaster in front of her. Maura came around the other side of the coffee table and instead of sitting next to Jane, chose the over-stuffed leather chair adjacent.

"I didn't know if you were…thirsty or not."

Maura wriggled, trying to find a comfortable position. There wasn't one. She opted to spring forward, murmuring something about getting a drink, and headed for the kitchen. Maura knew she was stalling, knew the courage to say the words was waning. Her hand paused on the refrigerator door, clutching the handle. No amount of dawdling was going to improve the situation. Wearied by the infinity of her thoughts, Maura went about pouring herself a glass of iced tea. She hadn't wanted this confrontation. Moreover, she had been actively dodging Jane and all things to do with Jane for quite a while. She quelled a flash of resentment as she sipped the tea, her eyes staring pensively at the floor. Sooner than she would have liked, Maura choose to return to the living room.

"Maura…" The anxiety in Jane's tone carried forth and Maura internally recoiled. "…please, can we please talk now?"

A heaviness encamped within her chest and Maura rashly wished she hadn't stayed for the proverbial ' showdown'. Indicating with a flutter of her hand that she was receptive, Maura prepared to listen.

Jane rested her elbows on her knees as she leaned forward. "I…you know, it's not like it was a secret, that I've been with other…women…before-before you." Jane halted until she received a sign of acknowledgement from Maura who barely nodded for Jane to continue. "I guess I never had enough…time…to figure it all out.." Shrugging, Jane's eyes were downcast. "I liked having—uh…that kinda lifestyle…"

Maura bit the inside of her mouth to keep from venting her angry disbelief.

"The night…we were together...I had no idea…I mean-argh!" Jane shot up off the couch, rubbing her palms down the front of her jeans. She stepped around the table to pace, fingers automatically weaving through her long hair. "Maura…I've always thought you were attractive but I swear to you I didn't know that night was going to happen…it just-it was, I don't know, like, a shock, I guess."

Clenching her jaw, Maura's look was foreboding. Jane was too preoccupied with her own disquiet to see.

"After months of sleeping over, cuddling on the couch, walking around half-naked it was a shock we slept together?" Hearing her own words only whipped Maura further into a frenzy. The leather armrests were slightly bunched under her grasping fingers. "You're telling me the night we went dancing wasn't a clue?" Jane's blank look was enough to make Maura fling herself from the chair. "You don't remember going to the salsa club, in the back…" Maura's voice dropped as she approached Jane, stopping when she could feel Jane's discomfort radiate off her in waves. "…we only danced with each other…all night…and it was far, so far, from innocent, Jane."

"I remember." Jane whispered, the recollection of it in her eyes. "I guess…I guess I didn't want to know."

The admission forced Maura back into her seat. Struggling with her body's drive to be close to and yet far away from Jane, Maura savagely opted to disregard any future urgings to which she may be subjected. The safety and stability of the leather chair seemed the best possible option of the moment.

"I was—am attracted to you, Maura." Jane covered her eyes with one hand, as if erasing something she didn't want to see. "And you're right…it was building for months."

Somehow Maura thought the disclosure would have loosened the band around her chest, allow her to breathe that much more freely knowing she hadn't imagined the entire interlude. If the difficulty in drawing breath was evidence enough, she had indeed supposed incorrectly. Validation did not end up being some sort of magical ticket out of heartbreak for Maura. In a way, it made the entire sad wreckage of their friendship all the more painful because…the feelings were mutual.

Green eyes tracked Jane's restless movements. Maura leaned into the chair, the picture of poise but inside things were coiling and twisting.

"That night…" Jane groped for words, nearly wringing her hands as she looked at Maura beseechingly. "…I didn't think, I just went for it, you know? How could I know what was going to happen, Maur?" Voice cracking, she swallowed, eyes glimmering with tears. "We talked about it, remember? What it might do to our friendship? And you said—"

"I'm well aware of what I said, Jane."

Ignoring her, Jane went on, "But you said, you promised, it wouldn't change anything, that it was gonna be one night…one lost night without consequences!"

Incapable of restraining herself, Maura flew out of the chair and faced Jane. "Are you blaming me?"

Jane flinched. "No."

"Allow me to disabuse you of the evident self-delusional misconceptions you have of that—that regretful night! It's true, I wanted to…wanted to fuck you." Maura's words began to slow, no longer being delivered like a howitzer. It was uncanny, the way purpose was injected into the tone. "I won't deny that but Jane, it's what happened after that caused things to irrevocably change. You were so quick to resume your modus operandi for the morning after! We never even talked about it, like it was some dirty secret or—or prosaic experience unworthy of notice! You acted as if nothing happened."

"And you acted like EVERYTHING did, damnit!" Jane plopped down on the couch, the stubborn set of her jaw clearly broadcasting her position.

"So, you always leave scratch marks on the backs of your sex partners? You beg for it often, do you?" Maura knew her words were designed for maximum impact but she couldn't find it within herself to stop. "You're very effusive in your praise—"

"I'm not going to apologize for enjoying sex!" Jane rasped. "It's not like I was the only one dishing it out. Has everything boiled down to sex for you now?! I LOST MY BEST FRIEND THAT NIGHT!"

"No, Jane, you didn't." Maura hesitated, lips trembling as a few tears slid down her cheeks. "…you dumped your best friend the next morning."

Maura carefully watched for Jane's reaction. The seconds turned to minutes, the kind of minutes that made people uncomfortable.

Jane eased down onto the couch, one hand extended behind her, eyes staring off into space. "I don't—Jesus, Maura, are you saying...we can't work it out?"

"From the first time we met, I thought it could be…something more but things were never quite right and…I was a coward." Maura's voice was extraordinarily calm, falling short on inflection but tranquil. "And you always seemed to be in someone else's bed. Over time I put my feelings away and I honestly thought they were gone. Perhaps that was…naive of me. Then you hit that 'dry spell' and started coming over more and more." Maura exhaled a drawn out breath, rubbed her temples. She looked up and caught Jane's eyes and didn't look away. "You kept falling asleep on my bed which I really didn't mind but it puzzled me." Tilting her head to the side, she asked, "Why didn't you just go to the guest room?"

Jane's gaze dropped. Blushing she said, "Because it was nice to…to be held. You, uh, made me feel…safe."

Maura closed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose then held a half-breath. It was so hard not to take those rare occasions of Jane's vulnerability and mold them into more meaningful things. "I suppose I should have—"

"It was my fault, Maur. I should have—I could have been more aware—"

Maura irritably interrupted, "Fault implies it was wrong."

"Yeah, I know, maybe 'fault' wasn't the right word."

"I don't regret giving you—a friend, comfort."

Jane shifted into a more comfortable position on the couch. "That's not what I meant but—"

"Let it go." Maura frowned. "Don't make it something we'll both regret."

"Why didn't…" Jane faltered, her expression a little crestfallen. She began again in a small voice, "Why didn't you talk to me about it?"

Shrugging, Maura collected a few seconds of quiet to gather her thoughts. "I…was scared and I knew…underneath it all, you weren't capable of anything more."

"Maura, " Jane said, urgency propelling the words out of her mouth as she leaned forward. "it wasn't like that."

The words sunk in and Maura wondered if she'd be brave enough to ask the next question. Her heartbeat high in her chest, the pulse in her neck suddenly throbbing, she hesitated, anxiety making her ball up her hands into fists. Jane's earnest face looked to her. Maura's eyes roamed, absorbing all the hundreds of details she knew by heart, from the fine peaks of Jane's eyebrows to the faint lines in her neck, from the wicked way her lips curved to the unfathomable recesses of her dark eyes. Nothing escaped Maura's notice. Jane's physical attributes were well documented in Maura's mind but the longer she watched her, the more they faded into the background. The intangibles surfaced, rising to the top of her thoughts: how Jane knew by Maura's mood whether it was a zinfandel, or cabernet, or pinot type of night; the way Jane always made sure there was salted caramel ice cream in Maura's freezer during her menstrual period; holding Maura's hand during the potato chip scene in the movie "The Other Side of the Mountain" because she knew without exception it made her cry. Maura never asked her for those things yet Jane had given them.

"What was it like…then?"

Jane placed her palms on her knees and flexed her back. A red-tinged cheek ducked under a swath of hair but then, automatically, Jane tucked it behind her ear. She avoided eye contact, instead chose to stare at the floor. "I felt things." Abruptly Jane sat up, brows furrowed in determination. Staring directly into Maura's eyes, Jane said, "Once you kissed me, I was lost. I couldn't think at all. I just—felt. And…" Jane tucked her lower lip between her teeth, contemplating her next words or gathering courage. "And—I don't know, it never happened, like that…" Slightly she shook her head from side to side and shrugged her shoulders. "…then…after…when it was over, I felt…bad, like I shouldn't have done it, like what I did was wrong."

Woodenly, Maura asked, "You felt ashamed?"

"No! Maybe, I dunno, not like that, Maur. Did I…did I take advantage of you?"

"I knew what I was doing, Jane."

Jane stood and began pacing. "But…you had feelings, didn't you?"

Maura flushed, uncomfortable but her gaze remained steadfast. "For a long time."

"I didn't want things to be…weird."

"So you gathered all your clothing and tripped over yourself to leave as soon as possible?"

Jane reeled around, hands in the air. "I couldn't act like everything was normal, could I? Should I have stayed for breakfast, had pancakes?! Hey, I know, maybe I could have just gotten a suitcase, packed some shit and just moved in?"

Maura refrained from pointing out that Jane had essentially split her time between her apartment and Maura's house. Naturally she wasn't going to mention the lower drawer of the dresser filled with Jane's clothes, the favorite bowl in the kitchen cabinet or the several junk food items in the pantry. As much as she wanted to make those points, Maura tabled it, realizing there were more important issues to address.

"I understand that night meant something different to the both of us." Maura began tentatively. "Just to be clear, Jane, I want you to tell me what it means to you now."

Jane's face went slack while she absorbed the request. "Why do you keep rehashing the same old shit, Maura? I love you. You're part of my family. Isn't that enough?"

"Okay, Jane, we'll do it your way." Anger burned the papery mask of control hiding Maura's volatility. "Allow me to spell it out for you, detective. We're sexually attracted to one another which will get in the way of our friendship. Oh, what?" Maura scoffed at Jane's perplexed expression. "You thought we'd just ignore it? Go back?! Tell me, how are you going to handle this?"

"We're adults, Maura. What's to handle?" Jane shrugged, her attitude somewhat scornful. "I can keep my hands to myself."

Now that she knew the attraction still glowed brightly between them, the irresistible urge to test it provoked Maura. Jane's casual dismissal was galling, an affront to Maura's pride and ego. There were many things she had to endure in her friendship with Jane but she refused to allow the latest snub go unanswered. It was the littlest things that managed to trip them up, lead them into eruptive situations. Under duress, Maura let her temper and ego loose.

"Oh, Jane." She whispered, moving toward Jane like a predator, voice throaty and confident. Her hand gently but firmly slid across the warm neck, fingers splaying, thumb butting up against the underside of Jane's chin. When their gazes locked, an intense unfurling developed in Maura's stomach, quickly spreading throughout her body. Slowly her thumb skimmed velvety smoothness and the hard edge of bone, minutely tilting Jane's chin upward. With the slightest pressure she coaxed Jane's face closer to hers. Maura's eyes dropped, taking in every tiny detail from Jane's parted lips to the strong pulse in her neck, from the sharp rise of her chest to the way Jane's legs opened, allowing Maura's thigh a place to rest.

"Doesn't look like I can."

Jane's fingers were digging into Maura's waistband, neither pulling nor pushing. Maura looked into the dark eyes and a raw jolt hit her chest then migrated lower, not wasting any time in contracting the muscles between her legs. Wet heat invaded sensitive folds of skin. Every subtle movement was like an exclamation point, goading Maura. Highly reactive, her skin felt charged, as if unable to contain all that she was feeling. The surety that Jane's body was acutely attuned to hers, was even now drawn closer by the undercurrents of need, rushed over the last dregs of Maura's restraint. A dulcet sound of defeat and acceptance fell from her lips, her body relaxing into Jane's as her mouth descended.

Jane radiated insistence, lips and tongue graceless and greedy. Maura slanted her head and pushed her thigh higher, rubbing it between Jane's. Their jagged emotions didn't clash so much as consolidate into a patchwork that kept them together. Pain sharpened the desire, twisting Maura's insides until they felt on the brink of snapping. Driving it all was the burning need to inflict, to dominate and to demonstrate just how completely Jane would fall under Maura's ruthless barrage.

Maura's control was gone. The blood that coursed through her veins was swift with vengeance, fueling her body. Brusque movements partially unsheathed Jane's hips, the fly of her jeans yawning open enough for two hands. Maura's fingers plunged below the waistband of white cotton panties. Roughly, they found Jane's turgid clit, captured between two sliding fingers.

Jane's frantic half-moans, mixed with angry objections and wanton pleas, spurred Maura all the more, higher and faster until common sense and decency were merely dusty relics. She shoved Jane down on the couch.

"Lift up your hips. Now!"

Without delay Jane complied. Maura's hands yanked down the jeans until they were scrunched around Jane's ankles. The bared midriff, rosy and trembling, began to bead with sweat. With the heel of one hand planted firmly in Jane's shoulder, Maura's mouth descended upon Jane's stomach, teeth grazing.

"Maura-shit..wait…I-oh god!"

Maura thrust two fingers into Jane, burying and twisting and pumping. Jane's hands dove into the honey blonde tresses draped over midsection, fingers cupping Maura's head, urging her lower.

When Jane moved to kick off one of her shoes in order to release her limb and spread her legs wider apart, Maura wrenched her head up. Her voice was hoarse as she ordered, "Leave it."

Breathing was laborious, Maura's chest like an engine's piston with an open throttle. Her fingers stopped, still immerged within the sultry, tight flesh. Jane's hands clutched harder, a guttural dissent emitting from her that tightened every muscle inside of Maura. Bucking, once, then twice, then more insistently, Jane's hips demanded.

Maura's fingers twitched slightly. Jane's back arched, a taut bow holding for several seconds until collapsing.

"Please…please."

It was enough. The roar in Maura's ears nearly drowned out Jane's strangled entreaty. The hand that was pinning Jane's shoulder now slid to her throat. Maura wedged her lower body between Jane's legs, her fingers rocking between their hips. The tendons and veins in Jane's neck bulged, the skin turning a deep pink as Maura's hand anchored Jane's upper body to the couch.

"Fucking tell me." Maura said, her brilliant green eyes boring into Jane's. Drops of sweat from Maura's forehead fell onto Jane's contorted face. The rhythmic movement of Maura's fingers never faltered.

Jane squeezed her eyes shut, bit her lower lip, tried unsuccessfully to allow Maura the satisfaction of seeing how greatly she needed, how close she was to coming out of her own skin.

"I…want…" Maura's pace accelerated, a third finger was added. "…youuuuu…yesssss…."

Straining and twisting, Maura's body covered Jane's as her mouth fastened onto the skin between Jane's breasts, chin pushing down the t-shirt's collar. Maura sucked in time with each pump, her hot mouth giving no quarter. The sensation of being inside of Jane engorged Maura with an overwhelming drive to go deeper and faster. Frenzied, their coupling lacked finesse but excelled in sexual instinct. Before either was prepared, Jane's orgasm crested, wringing Maura's fingers as her hips jerked with her own violent release.

The room filled with their gasps and whimpers. Maura rested her forehead on Jane's bare chest, arching her neck to create room to breathe. Slowly Maura became aware of her body's discomfort. The awkward angles now exacted payment for maintaining difficult positions. With a determined heave, Maura pushed herself up and unsteadily rose to her feet.

Eyes blurry, Maura couldn't focus right away but the picture of Jane supine on the couch, jeans bunched at her feet seemed a bit surreal. Now that reality returned, Maura took stock and couldn't believe what had just happened. Regret prickled in the back of her mind. Emotionally spent, incapable of making sense out of anything, Maura's first attempts at communication amounted to little more than a few prehistoric grunts.

Evidently Jane had no use for words as she lay comatose upon the couch. Maura shook her head, rubbed her face with her hand and immediately grew weak in the knees. Jane's scent encompassed her, a heady mixture of sweat and arousal and faint perfume. Excitement pulsed through her. The ache between her legs widened, hungry to be filled. Thoughts of being taken by Jane were like fragments slicing her insides into tiny pieces. She was infused with yearning, her body sick with it.

Maura looked again at Jane and watched her until she stirred, eyes blinking open.

"Now you can leave."