Perceptions Part 7

Nothing made sense. The scene unfolded, again and again, one long continuous disaster. She hadn't moved since Jane wordlessly departed, standing in the middle of her room with her shirt askew and pants partially unbuttoned. Her green eyes stared at the unmoored bedspread. A flush of heat stole across her skin as she envisioned what they had done, what it must have looked like. The image stimulated parts of her anatomy that still tingled, still yearned. When she spied the innocuous harness nestled within the whorls of linen, the ache flared briefly. It was abrupt, the way she snapped up the sex toy and pitched it under the bed. Hiding that evidence wasn't enough, however, not nearly enough. She stared at the mussed bed, clenching her fists at her sides so tightly, the nails pierced her palms. Calmly, Maura wrenched the sheets and comforter from the bed, balling them up loosely then tossing them near the hamper. The emotions crested, burning her lungs and throat. More urgently she stripped the pillowcases and less carefully flung them behind her.

The pillow-top mattress was bare of reminders and should have been a satisfying sight. There was nothing physically present left to perpetuate the slideshow in Maura's head. Unshed tears loomed as she struggled with the aftermath. The effort to keep them at bay hurt. Jane was gone. Jane was not coming back. The realization trundled in her stomach, instigating a rush of saliva to fill her mouth. Nausea forced her to hastily flee to the bathroom. Maura lurched over the toilet just in time. When the spasms subsided, she straightened, wearily wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Despite her ragged control, a few tears skidded down her face. The deep-throated flush of draining water sounded too loud in the small space.

There was nothing left to do but take comfort in ordinary tasks, mundane things that didn't take up too much energy, too much thought. After brushing her teeth, Maura rinsed her face. Jane's scent engulfed her. Everything she had been trying to forget converged into the sharpest of aches. Lust buzzed low in her belly. Even so, Maura could deal, could overcome that attraction. It was the other, the more she felt whenever Jane's black eyes bored into hers. Absolutely terrifying, the 'more' operated in the background, weaving its way through the darkest corners of her heart. Without guile, it illuminated all the nooks that had been long forgotten, forcing Maura to take stock of all the things she had, over the years, locked away. The 'more' inspired and rejuvenated, allayed and rejoiced. Maura wasn't prepared to handle it. She wished pitifully that she had taken a shower earlier, scrubbed off the provocative scent.

The splattered water around the basin's rim went neglected. Maura couldn't meet her own eyes in the mirror. It was easier to focus somewhere else. All around her the air seemed to grow thicker and the light dimmer. It was the bed, the birth of her greatest humiliation and passion, that required her immediate attention. With purpose, she obtained clean linen from the hallway closet. Pristine sheets, the color of deep forest green, stretched tautly across the mattress, completely lacking any memory of someone else. Even then, brief visions of Jane assailed her. It had always been Jane. Throughout the years and in spite of several lovers, the yearning for Jane was never far from the surface. It was a bitter realization to accept that all the recriminations, unremitting facts, and frivolous diversions did not banish it, hardly changed it. The fresh sheets were mere window dressing.

Shivers of pain and rage raced along the surface of her skin at the impossibility of it all. Regardless how hard she had tried to avoid the pitfalls, whether through Fate or her own inadequacies, the result was deplorably the same and that knowledge infuriated her. She sat down on the bed, hands gripping the edge. To breath without gasping, Maura closed her eyes and concentrated.

I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. So, I slept with her again. She squeezed her eyes shut when Jane's face materialized in her mind. Dear God, I want her for my own. Why can't she feel the same way? Grinding her teeth, Maura locked her elbows and pressed down, attempting to redirect her thoughts. It doesn't matter what her body says. If she wanted that type of relationship, we'd be in one by now. Maura recited a litany of reasons why being with Jane was not going to happen. Every sentence bolstered her will, dulled her pain. Body shuddering with every efflux of hope, Maura managed to find her rational center.

Whatever convoluted course she and Jane travelled, the maze always seemed to win, effectively rearranging itself every time they neared the exit. She didn't know how to escape. Going off to have a one-night stand or to get drunk would feel, at the time, exceptionally brilliant until the next morning when mortification and a hangover jumped onto the regret pile. She had enough on her hands without adding more. The situation, however, demanded a respite. Maura bowed her head, allowing gravity to extend the tight muscles in her neck and back. Uncertain what to do next, only knowing something must be done, she rose from the bed, flexed her shoulders then walked down the stairs. One step after the other, unhurried, she descended, eyes averted from the place where Jane had so thoroughly demolished her. No good would come from reliving the moment, but her body responded anyway.

The living room was primarily dark, only partially interrupted by the slanting light from the kitchen. Maura surveyed the shadows, not knowing what her eyes searched for until they rested upon the cellphone. Half in dread, she approached the side-table. There were no messages and Maura was at once pacified and depressed. Shoving the slim phone into her back pocket, she made her way into the kitchen, the bright light causing her to squint. When she looked outside through the window over the sink, she saw the reflection of her wrinkled shirt and unzipped jeans. Quickly she set herself aright, managed to smooth a few wild tendrils back into place.

Maura opened a bottle of merlot, the lone survivor in a rack that had been filled with brave sacrifices. A glass seemed superfluous. The wine didn't go down easily but it did go down. Most of it stayed in the bottle. She jammed the cork back in. Leaning against the counter, Maura fished out the cellphone.

"I need to talk."

"Do you know what time it is?"

Grimacing, Maura replied, "I have no idea."

There was a bit of a pause before her friend Camille Frost exhaled in a soft whistle. "Obviously you weren't in a car wreck."

"What part of 'I need to talk' gave that away?"

"Sarcasm isn't helpful. I find it rather irritating after ten-thirty at night."

Maura held her breath then allowed it to exhale in a rush. "Auuugh…"

"Use your words, Maura. I don't have time to interpret Paleolithic grunts."

With a little vehemence, she hissed, "As if a civil engineering professor possesses the acumen."

"Mmmhmm." Camille hummed. "I'm telling Robin you're highly insulting and—"

"I slept with Jane. Again."

"OhMyGod!"

Wincing, Maura remarked, "You're voice is getting high. Only canines can detect that frequency."

"Stop prevaricating."

"I…couldn't stop it from happening."

"Couldn't or wouldn't?"

"The result was the same." From the corner of her eye, Maura spied the wine bottle but resolutely turned away.

"Are you in love with her, Maura?" When the other woman didn't immediately respond, Camille waited. The anxiety nearly broke her before her friend carefully responded.

"I…could be, if the circumstances were right."

"Well, if it's just sex, why are you calling me at this hour?"

Exhaling noisily, Maura snapped, "Because you're my friend and I need a sounding board."

"Easy, I'm not the enemy. I'm just trying to get some clarification."

"I've…wanted her for so long." Maura whispered, clutching the phone tightly. "And it's…more than I imagined."

"Do you want a relationship with her? Are you sure she doesn't want more? Did you ask yourself why she slept with you a second time? After everything that happened between you two, do you really believe the second time was just a…fluke?"

Huskily, she replied, "I don't know what I want. I'm so…confused, conflicted." Maura sighed, closing her eyes. "If she came to me right now…all she would have to do is look at me and I'd hang up this phone and let her have me any way she wanted."

"You…" Although Camille didn't finish the sentence, Maura understood and made a concurring sound. "…I hate to mention one of the elephant's in the room, honey, but there's a professional element involved here."

"Whatever distance I did maintain didn't work. But…" Maura's voice dropped. "…I don't think she'll be approaching me again like last time."

"Well, if that's the case, can you—"

"No, no…it would only be a matter of time before I'd lose control—"

"But, if Jane isn't there to force the issue—"

Maura lashed out, "I would be, damnit, I would be there, Cam." Voice breaking, she finished, "All I want to do is lose myself in her."'

"Are you saying-are you thinking of resigning?"

"Rationally, it's what I should do."

"There's another option."

Running her fingers through snarled tresses, Maura walked over to the table and pulled out a chair. "No."

"Hear me out."

"I'm not going to do some sort of immersion therapy—"

"Well, that's not exactly where I was going but, that could work as well."

"Don't be ridiculous. The initials following your name are going to your head, Cam."

"Maura…Maura…by your own admission, you can't maintain a professional distance."

"You're suggesting I seduce her? That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard you propose!"

Camille groaned, irritation predominate. "You've also stated you didn't believe you could control your animal urges."

"I didn't—"

"And I quote, 'All I want to do is—'"

Maura resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room. "Cam!" She stood and began pacing, labored breaths punctuating the silence. Her friend's words echoed, each ripple deeper than the last. "It's…destructive, pointless."

"What do you want to happen?"

The answer, prone and peaceful under layers of denial, nevertheless ascended high enough for Maura to see its outline. She balked at the truth. The longer she fought it, the clearer it became and the harder it was to negate.

"What do you want?"

Although the words were spoken kindly, softly, they tolled like church bells, drowning out all else. "I want…I want a future…with her." The words tumbled from her lips without her permission which didn't make them less true. But the next ones out of Maura's mouth were hard. "That's not what she wants."

"She wants you."

You're mine. Recalling Jane's possessive declaration, an electric fission spread through her body. She nearly gasped as the words reverberated, sending waves of arousal that contracted intimate muscles. "Why are you doing this, Cam?" Maura railed, finally undone. "Do you get some perverse thrill peddling false hope?!"

"She's your best friend and she loves you. From what you've shared, Jane also desires you Correct me if I'm wrong, but those are some important building blocks in the relationship you want to develop with her."

"It's not that simple."

"What do you have to lose? If it had been just the one time, Maura, I'd be the first one to tell you to leave it be but…she evidently couldn't control herself either. Answer me this—did she leave or did you kick her out?"

"She…I…told her to leave."

There was something in her friend's tone that snapped the last piece of the puzzle into place for Camille. "Was she…upset, Maura?"

…I am…so sorry. Dark eyes welled with tears in her mind's eye. Barely audible, she replied, "Yes."

"Can you not draw a hypothesis from those answers?"

"I really can't think about this right now, Cam. I appreciate—"

"Before you shut down—"

"Thank you but I've got work in a few hours."

XXX

Work came earlier than even Maura had anticipated. Gritty eyes and stiff muscles told the common tale of sleep deprivation. The dark circles and pale skin underscored it. Through it all, she sustained an exemplary standard as far as apparel was concerned. There wasn't a single wrinkle to mar the crispness of her skirt or blouse. Finishing up the last touch of mascara, Maura's critical gaze evaluated the reflection for imperfections. Every strand of hair was casually arranged just so, conveying a slightly tumbled look without being messy. Fingers lightly skimmed over the opened buttons of her blouse, grazing the scalloped edge of her bra. Impatient, she secured another button, loath to give the wrong impression to anyone that chose to look.

It didn't take long to arrive at the crime scene. The police and emergency lights flashed against a burgeoning sun. By degrees the black sky gave way to a bluer one. Out of habit, Maura's eyes scanned the vehicles. Her heartbeat paused when she located a particular sedan. It was inescapable, their meeting, but Maura had wildly prayed for more of a delay. She gripped the handle of her field case more tightly and assumed, what she hoped, was a perfectly professional coat of armor.

"Hi, Dr. Isles." Barry Frost looked a little uncomfortable which caused Maura to narrow her eyes.

Nodding her head, the medical examiner put on some gloves, eyes riveted on the dead body sprawled on the ground. A pool of congealing blood emanated from the torso under the awkward bend of the right arm. She performed a cursory field exam, mindful of cross-contamination. So absorbed in recording the specifics, Maura nearly missed the addition of another presence around the corpse.

"There's some material around the bullet hole we'll need to be collected and sent to CSU."

The low timbre sluiced through her, warm and seductive, so distracting the words didn't immediately translate. Maura blinked then looked up. Jane was a silhouette against the brightening sky, the sun an orange half-dot rising above the horizon.

"I'll do that."

As hard as she internally fought, Maura couldn't keep the memories from invading her eyes. A slight blush crept over her cheeks and neck. Slowly she stood and pivoted toward Jane, teetering on her toes to keep from dragging her heels across the grass. There was nothing to work with on Jane's impassive face. Maura bit her lip, anxiety a stone in her stomach.

The silence was viscid like honey-coated fingers, her thoughts a leaf pile: whatever she wanted to say stuck to it. Plainly Jane didn't suffer from such a condition.

"Do you have a time of death? Anything pop out at you?"

Unable to wade through the stew of thoughts crowding her head, Maura relied on instinct. Personal impulses rustled in the periphery of awareness, not exactly intrusive but present like a loose thread in a sweater. Sentences dropped from her mouth with enviable ease. She kept her eyes trained to the northwest of Jane's face but often they wandered back, touching upon enigmatic black ones. Frost oscillated in the background, pacing as he talked on the phone. While her responses were short, they weren't rude and didn't carry a hidden agenda. Yet, the green depths of her eyes spoke volumes whenever they latched onto impervious black ones.

The exchange was coming to an end. With nothing more to question, Jane prepared to leave. It rushed Maura, the heady mix of fear and regret and her fingers sought Jane's hand. Instantly she froze, unease and anger flashing in her glance before it was swallowed by opaque indifference. Maura's fingers fractionally tightened. She realized her timing was deplorable. By the steely glint in Jane's gaze, any doubt about that fled. Her hand was unresponsive and cold to Maura's touch. Frost stopped moving, thankfully, seemed to want to interject but thought better of it. As Maura stepped closer, he faded into distance along with everyone else.

"I was wrong." Maura's heart pounded in her ears.