Lips like Blood

by EditionsOfYou

After Ayaka's engagement with Eiri is broken off, Ayaka goes on a journey of personal development and rediscovers love and her sense of self-worth from an unexpected source. Ayaka/Mika

4. Chapter 4

READERS: If you're following my other stories, I haven't forgotten about The Reading List. What happened was I was writing the next chapter of it and I was almost done with it , and I somehow through some technical glitch, I erased everything I had worked on so far. So I have to rewrite that part and as a result, that story will take longer for me to update. Thank you for your support. Please be patient and enjoy this in the mean time, if you are enjoying it... I will try and update my other story soon too.

Also I just realized Eiri's editor's name was Mizuki in the manga, but as I did not read the manga and am basing this off the anime, I gave her the name Misaki. Apologies there and hope it wasn't too confusing.

---

"I can't remember the last time I went to one of these places." Mika remarks.

They are at Zennys, the coffee shop.

"But the food is really delicious here. I mean… I know its not fine dining like the other place, but its good in its ...own simple homey way. "Ayaka says apologetically.

In truth, Ayaka chose Zennys because it is the only place she is familar with in town.

( It just so happens that Ayaka likes the food too.)

Ayaka has ordered a set meal that comes with a starter , rice, miso soup and a small green salad besides the main entree for herself. It also includes the monthly promotional dessert .

Mika has ordered a noodle dish.

"Also whenever I feel sad or stressed. I like to eat a lot of comfort food." Ayaka procures herself another forkful of her entree,which is an omelette. "I know it not a very good thing to do-"

"Trust me, there are far worse ways of coping." Mika admits as she takes another bite of her dish. "And the food… here is surprisingly good."

"Isn't it though." Ayaka is relieved to hear that, since she chose the place. "At least I think so."

After Ayaka downs her soup, cleans her plate, she voraciously starts on her dessert which is a orange tiramsu (off their monthly dessert promotion).

"...You really can eat can you." Mika says incredulously.

"Yes I know I can. Its frightening isn't it. Growing up ,I used to be called Miss. Piglet for that reason. Sometimes when I was hungry, I would just eat a whole pint of ice cream by myself . Once my friends gave me three pints of icecream as a joke, but I actually just ate them all. Afterwards, I wasn't alllowed to be near pints anymore. " Ayaka mumbles.

Mika's lips curve up slowly at that.

"Sorry. You didn't need to know that, did you" The girl cringes. "This is ...very embarrassing, gorging myself like this, and I know its not attractive for a girl to be gluttonous, but I haven't eaten all day-"

"No, no. Don't apologize for that. You' re not being gluttonous at all. You poor thing. No wonder you're hungry. Of course you should eat more then." Mika says with a maternal lilt in her tone, and offers forth her plate. "Would you like some of mine?"

"Oh no." The younger woman shyly shakes her head. " Infact, I was just about to offer you some of my dessert if you'd like to try some of it. "

"There's no need. Infact I think... I'll order my own dessert too. " Mika smiles, sportive at her. "Or maybe we should try and live dangerously and order four pints of icecream."

Ayaka laughs once at that inspite of herself. Maybe it's because she feels secure, well-contained in this booth, more anonymous in this casual atmosphere. She can feel: Here, they are not Ayaka Usumi or Mika Seguichi, they are just two women, (two friends) going out to a simple dinner like anybody else.

"Actually, I think this is far better than any Michelin starred meal we could have had tonight." Mika sighs ,seemingly more at ease than Ayaka has seen her before . "And it is far more relaxed. Hopefully we won't run into anybody we know here ethier-"

"Ayaka?... Is that you? " A deep male voice says before their booth.

Mika's smile drops.

The two women straighten in their seats.

Ayaka looks up to see Hiro Nakano standing there.

The mellowing sense of security and the shroud of anonymity has uplifted and is evaporated with him.

" ...Hiro?" Ayaka gapes." ...What ...are you doing here?"

"...Hi ...Ayaka... " Hiro says tentatively, and brushes his hair out of his face. He is out of his stage attire, in a slouchy T-shirt and jeans. " Sorry. I don't mean to... bother you while you're eating but - but I saw you and I thought I'd say hi."

He gestures to the front where Fujisaki Suguru is waiting for him.

Shuichi Shindou is not with them.

He must be with Eiri, Ayaka thinks gloomily.

When Ayaka pays attention again , she hears Hiro saying " We were getting a late bite after our gig and we were hanging out. You ...went to our gig, right? "

"Yes I did... You... played so well Hiro." Ayaka tries to force a cheerful smile. "Congratulations... on your... big show."

"Thanks. It means alot to me that you came." Hiro shoves his hands into his pockets. " You know I... looked for you all over afterwards. "

" You did? " Ayaka asks , wide eyed.

"Yeah Ayaka." Hiro begins adamantly. " I did. And I couldn't find you... and I got worried especially after what happened with Eiri there -"

The guitarist catches himself and glances at Mika uneasily.

Mika doesn't bother to look his way.

Ayaka bites her lip.

Not only is there the issue of familial loyalty for Mika- where Mika might criticize her bother's actions but could not endorse anyone else openly criticizing them, but everyone by now must think Ayaka is some sort of hapless nuisance who only exists to be attended to , or that she wants or requires this endless flurry of attention. Although it is not any of their faults for thinking that way, but Hiro saying this simply emphasizes that point again.

Not only that, he is saying it in front of Mika too.

"Anyways... I'm glad we ran into eachother now although I'm on my way out. " Hiro adds , looking more concerned and protective for her. " I was … hoping we could spend more time together, if you're free. How long are you in town?"

Ayaka wincingly explains. " Not much longer I'm afraid... I'm... leaving tonight. You don't have to worry about me Hiro... Mrs. Seguichi was kind enough to pick me up and is being my host now."

"Thank you for taking care of her, Mrs. Seguchi." Hiro bows towards Mika.

Mika continues to ignore him.

Unnerved by Mika's coldness, Ayaka stiffens.

"But...as I was saying." Also visibly ruffled, Hiro puts a hand on the back of his neck and clears his throat. " I see that you're... busy , but I ...wanted to ask you if maybe… you wanted to stay in touch… since we had such a nice time hanging out..."

"Yes. I would... "Ayaka says politely. " I would like that very much. "

The guitarist reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a (what looks like) a recently printed but thumbed over name card. "Here's my number. Feel free to call. "

"...I will." Ayaka puts the card in her purse as Hiro watches.

From the corner of their vision, they see Fujisaki waving at Hiro impatiently.

" Well... I …ought to be going. " The guitarist nods sadly.

"Yes... Goodbye Hiro." Ayaka swallows. "Thank you so much for everything and for ...all your help. I so enjoyed meeting you and the time we spent together."

"I did too. No need for thanks. Anytime Ayaka. But do a favor and call me. Let me know you get home safe or if you need anything else while you're here ok?" Hiro asks her.

"Yes ofcourse... I will Hiro." Ayaka says agreeably.

" Great." He smiles wistfully down at her. "Bye Ayaka."

Hiro then heads out. Not before giving her another wistful smile over his shoulder.

Ayaka watches him and Fujisaki leave. She wonders if Fujisaki prompted Hiro to approach her.

"Wasn't that a coincidence." Mika says dispassionately after they do.

Ayaka plays with the ends of her hair anxiously. "Yes... but I guess I shouldn't be so surprised I saw Hiro here again."

"Again." Mika says.

" Yes. He...took me here after he rescued me in the park. And he kept me company ...when I first arrived." Ayaka says.

Mika sneers. "He has some nerve coming here and showing his face to us , considering how his friend just behaved."

" ...You think so? ..Hiro is... not to blame for what his friend did. I think he feels... quite bad about it. I think ...that was his way of trying to apologize.. And he's been of such help to me and he's really.. so nice." Ayaka struggles to express her view to the older woman.

Then her voice falters and she stops speaking completely.

Instead she grabs her water and drinks it, as if that was what she intended all along.

Ayaka doesn't know why she's bothering to defend Hiro. Mika doesn't seem to be the type that would be easily persuaded from her opinion. And what authority does Ayaka have to form or express her own opinion anyways .

Moreover, is Mika's problem with Hiro?

Or it is merely blame by association ? Or is Hiro another target to direct the general displeasure at the whole suitation (that Mika would rather be contemptous towards Hiro instead of her , who rightly deserves it)? It seems unfair to tar him with the same brush as Shuichi Shindou, just as it would be unfair of Ayaka to let Eiri's rejection of her for Shindou and the other frightful events that had happened here, color her regard of Hiro as a mere facet of that painful memory, for her to wholesale dismiss Hiro as the best friend of the interloper of Ayaka's engagement (although in their eyes, she was the disruptor, the interloper in Shuichi and Eiri's relationship) - which unwittingly Hiro might become and was considered already.

Despite Ayaka speaking to the contrary , and Hiro having been her rescuer, she doesn't necessarily want to speak to Hiro anymore. If only so Ayaka can selfishly (self-protectively) cleanly cut ties, have no lingerings himuilations, and can put this entire episode behind her.( Then again, she is now tied to Mika, Eiri's sister. Any way she redirects herself , it all returns to Eiri somehow.)But Ayaka does not want to make false promises, or to disappoint Hiro in making it sound as if some... lengthy friendship between them was now a certainity or even a possibility, but the same time, Ayaka does like and admire Hiro (as a friend), and feels Hiro is owed something for his bravery and kindness. She does not want Hiro to feel 'used' by her. Ayaka feels that she knows, better than anyone now, just how degrading that feels.

Yet with that kind of indirect reasoning, Ayaka wonders, does Mika feel ... blamed and tainted by Eiri's behavior? How would that 'blame' affect Mika's relationship with her?

And who has Ayaka affected, marred or damaged by her doings?

Ayaka cannot say. Perhaps she has damaged all of them: Shuichi, Hiro, Mika, Tohma and Eiri and her family too. She is somehow both subject to and at the center of this calamity. A pebble dropping into a pond, she thinks, knowing it is not a original metaphor but it how she currently feels. A form of dead weight. Like a disruption causing ripples in the stillness of everyone's set life.

And how might the reverberations of her blunder affect the future for all of them?

"You have many people who wish to help you Ayaka." Mika finally says in response.

"I'm glad they do." Ayaka says dry-mouthed. "Although I have no idea why."

Mika makes no comment to that.

After they finish their meals and Mika pays the check, Ayaka attempts to broach the subject.

"I suppose… the night is over. " She says subdued. She thinks she must prempt Mika, before Mika has to say it, no matter how much she is dreading it. "I should catch the train. Or you can call Tatsuha to escort me back-"

"No. You needn't rush off." Mika says curtly as she reapplies her lipstick. " Its early yet…. and I have some engagements I am supposed to attend tonight. "

The older woman looks up from her compact. "Would you like to come along with me ?"

"No. I couldn't." Ayaka says deferently. She tries to conceal her surprise at Mika forwardness in asking. She didn't expect Mika to want to spend more time with her. (Mika probably doesn't. The older woman must be being excessively polite to her for some reason or other, most likely pity.)

" I wouldn't dare impose on you any more than I already have-" Ayaka adds.

"No, I assure you it wouldn't be an imposition at all. Your family already knows you've been found and it is already later now. You can leave first thing tomorrow morning. " Mika instructs her, as if leaving nothing to argument.

The younger woman looks back, stunned at Mika's offer.

Mika adds almost as an afterthought. "And... I'd like you to come with me."

Ayaka begins . "...But... don't I need an invitation? Or-"

"No" Mika says. "You're with me, its fine."

---

After that, they make an appearance at a art show.

A gallery- greeter hands them both a glass of white wine at the door.

"What do you think of this piece." Mika says before a painting.

It looks like an enormous grey paint swatch. Or more like, staring into a stagnant occluded reservoir.

It reminds Ayaka of Eiri's apartment.

Its sparse stark furnishings, its abstract graph-paper paintings.

This stoic monolithic work looks like something that would fit well in there.

Ayaka blinks. "...I don't think I understand it. "

"What's there to understand." Mika takes a sip of her wine.

The older woman whispers in Ayaka's ear. "Its terrible. "

Ayaka freezes at her frankness.

"But I've never been a minimalist." Mika comments.

After a moment Ayaka says shyly." I suppose I must .. not be much of one either then. "

When Mika smiles conspiratorily at her , Ayaka finds herself slowly smiling back.

"Cheers Ayaka." Mika then nods at her. " To the arts."

They toast again.

Mika then puts her glass on the tray of a passing server. "Lets move on, shall we."

---

The next place they go to is a high-end shopping department that is having a promotional event and a special VIP sale.

"I think... I should get my family and friends some gifts while I'm here." Ayaka tells Mika apologetically.

Ayaka might as well bring something back at an attempt at tribute and as recompense for her latest misadventures.

Having appointed herself this solemn task, the younger woman seaches long and hard through the flowery sparkling hair pins, perfumes, watches , clocks and other small gifts at the maze-like arrangment of small kiosks and luxury counters.

There is so much selection, the task becomes immediately overwhelming . The sterilizingly bright light (which is good for jewellery or for displaying other illuminious items) and the staccato house-music doesn't help much either.

Ayaka deliberates over a few chosen ornamental items that are not inexpensive, but not excessively costly ethier, for what seems too-long a time.

The young woman combs over this selection over and over; a small Wako ceramic desk clock, a ceramic dish and cup set, several hair accessories, a costume jewelry bangle amongst the forerunners- and places them besides eachother, worries over them with her fingertips as if to test their tactility.

Ayaka realizes, she so rarely , if ever, shops by is ethier with her group of friends or with her mother or other relatives which, the party she's with would give her guidance or suggestions or would make the final decision for her on what to finally purchase.

And Mika is not helping her shop ethier.

No wonder this task seems so impossible.

In reality: There is no wrong choice. The items Ayaka has chosen are all very ... lovely and appealing. Sparkling. Pretty, she thinks tensely. They are pretty.

But are they good enough?

Somehow, they all seem petty, dense and inadequate too.

Not treasures, but throw-away trinkets. Shallow. Inanimate. Without much meaning or high purpose. To be given thoughtlessly, used once and then forgotten.

Or perhaps Ayaka's projecting herself onto these things?

Regardless of that, none of these gifts can express what Ayaka means to say to all those waiting for her expectantly back home.

Maybe no object could achieve that.

Better still, what can Ayaka say to them to excuse or explain what she has just done?

Ayaka knows her running away, was an devestating experience and frightening for everyone, for them being concerned over her welfare. In addition to that, it was a very hurtful and inflammatory thing for her to do, an implicit rejection of all of them and her current way of life. And Ayaka running away could also be seen as an alarming indication that there was something unstable, questionable and suspect about her, in her thinking or her judgement , that would compel her to undertake such a conceited, dramatic and foolhardly endeavor.

'Maybe there is... something very wrong with me.' Ayaka thinks worriedly as she gazes at the things she's chosen.

She looks up confusedly at herself at a try-on mirror.

Meanwhile ,behind her, in her reflection, Mika seems to half-heartedly looking at various items herself, sifting through racks of clothing and in particular, studying garmets (from what Ayaka has seen in her closet) very similar to what she already has.

For a while Ayaka watches the other woman in the mirror shopping, unbeknownst to her. Observes how Mika searches the displays, her clothes dazzling black against the brightness of the backdrop, the certain confident steps on the svelte stilts of her heels.

She wonders once again what Mika is thinking. Or what Mika is looking for herself.

Perhaps Ayaka thinks ,she should get Mika a gift , but she doesn't trust herself to know what Mika would like.

She returns to her own task at hand.

After Ayaka had made her final selection through her own befuddled vetting process, and gathered her assortment together, Ayaka wonders if the intended recipents will take to what she's chosen for them.

Gift giving, she thought, was always somewhat risky and anxiety-producing endeavor, a slightly aggressive act. "Here I have gotten you something, and now you must take it." She thought. And Ayaka had found, it was always a immediate confession of the extent of your comprehension or lack of it about that person you intended to give the gift to, a litmus test of a relationship. (For example, it had been her friends that given her Eiri's new 'Cool' book. That had felt like a kind of dare or affirmation of her 'engagement' to Eiri )

Presently Ayaka thought she had chosen well. But what if Ayaka, in choosing these gifts, has just revealed she really knew nothing about the taste of those around her? What if she failed this test too, as she had, all the others presented before her?

Or maybe it won't matter. Maybe the gravity of what Ayaka has done will render this already insufficent act even more trivial and ridiculous. Maybe Ayaka won't even have the opportunity to give her gifts in the aftermath of what happened, or she won't bother, depending on the response at her arrival.

The younger woman nearly decides to forego the idea all together when Mika takes her by the shoulder.

"Allow me to come with you to counter. I get a VIP discount." Mika informs her and taking her shopping items for Ayaka, walks her forward.

Perhaps Mika has been watching her too, and mercifully decided to step in before her indecision went on all evening.

Dumbly, Ayaka allows Mika to lead her to the cashier. Immediately Mika steps forward and motions her aside.

"Yes she wants the items wrapped." Mika tells the cashier.

Ayaka realizes that Mika is not only giving the cashier her VIP card, Mika is charging everything, all the things she's chosen, on her credit card.

"No! No!" Ayaka cries in protest as the items are being wrapped, put into a decorative shopping bag, and handed over to her. " I couldn't allow you to pay- you already paid for my dinner-"

"Please Ayaka. Its nothing. I bought myself something too." Mika waves a hand dismissively. " Besides if you spend a certain amount , you get something in return."

" No I wasn't going to let you do that and I never intended that either, so I'll pay you back-" Ayaka moans . She reaches into her new purse and flusteredly attempts to pull out some of the money she has on hand.

" No. Don't be ridiculous with me. "Mika points at her with uncontestable arrogance . "Put it back . Now."

Ayaka steps back , wide eyed. But she obeys Mika.

The saleswoman seemingly oblivious to their minor spat, hands Mika a token in the shape of a red heart. "Thank for being our loyal customers and participating in our sale event ladies! Now would you like to participate with your raffle reward?"

"How does it work?" Mika asks disinterestedly.

The saleswoman points aside, to a table like structure. Its a giant flat surface with various shapes and dots on it, with a snazzily painted board affixed to one end.

"You have to throw the token and if it lands on the center of a proper shape and color , you ladies win a luxrious prize corresponding to it." The saleswoman says brightly. "One try per person."

"This is it? That seems like something you'd have in a child's fair or at a arcade." Mika scoffs . "Clearly if thats the best they can come up with, this place must be running out of ideas to promote themselves and reward their VIP customers."

"Oh.. but... couldn't we try, couldn't we? We... could win something. " Ayaka says meekly.

Mika looks impatient at Ayaka's suggestion, then glances at the token .

She palms it off to Ayaka."Why don't you throw it then. I never win at these things."

"Me?Oh no, I couldn't do it either.' Ayaka refuses anxiously and tries to give the token back to her. " I'm awful at games."

Mika asks her, bemused. "Have you ever even tried them?"

"No actually. But I'm sure I would be if I tried. And after I made you pay for my things, it'd be too much of a waste...to make you lose something else too. " Ayaka urges her and then hands it back to Mika.

"You didn't make me do anything Ayaka and I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. I trust that you'll try your best." Mika only immediately pushes it back and folds the token in Ayaka's palm. "Go ahead. It doesn't matter. We don't have anything to lose at this point. And like we said, we were going to devote tonight to new experiences. And I'd like for you to try something new."

Not saying anything more, Mika looks at her more insistently.

Ayaka turns to the game before them.

The younger woman says weakly. "Alright. For ... you... I'll... try my best. Maybe... there's always a chance I'll have... beginner's luck... "

Ayaka squints at the markings and gingerly flings the chip onto the board . The heart token taps the wall then lands on the surface below, by chance, at the middle of it on a small yellow star.

The shopwoman beams. "Congratulations! You hit the golden star!"

" What does that mean?" Ayaka clamps a hand over her mouth. "Are we in trouble now!?"

Mika smiles slightly at that.

Instead the woman pulls out a gold bag with a black bottle and sparkling crepe protuding festively out of it.

"Trouble?! No you've won! In fact you're our frist winner of the evening!" The salewoman gives the bag over to her.

"Oh my! What just happened?" Ayaka exclaims, as she takes it.

"Good work Ayaka." Mika reports to her. "It seems you just won yourself a bottle of free champagne. "

"No! Not at all, I won you the bottle Mrs. Seguichi." Ayaka immediately hands the bag to Mika- to Mika's visible surprise.

She humbly amends herself. "I mean - Mika."

---

In the car, Mika pulls out an invitation from her purse .She hands it over to Ayaka.

"This event is at Club Ing. Its their first year anniversary party although I never been there , I heard it's very exclusive and trendy. The theme is The Golden Age." .

"What does that mean?" Ayaka asks, studying the extravagant gold card at length.

" Like any club theme , it doesn't mean anything. Usually The Golden Age is said to represent a perfect or classical time- which could mean anything. Probably people will just wear gold." Mika replies nonchalantly. " I'm sure it won't be too interesting, but we can stop in if you want. "

When Ayaka thought of the golden age, she had thought of autumn, of refined fluttering red and gold leaves and its mosaic patterns once fallen on undulant streams... and of a rose colored blazing sky during the sunset and the darkening trees sprawling across it like outspread tentrils of lacquer-dark hair swaying in the wind back at home.

The young woman says curiously. "...I wouldn't mind, but I'm not wearing anything that color."

"Neither am I. " Mika sighs. "No one will be. Following themes are passé. "

---

At Club Ing, everyone is wearing gold.

Two DJs play something that can only be descried as calypso techno disco , and the surround sound is so startlingly loud Ayaka can actually feel thump in her chest, its irrestible force of it making her near-flinch , like a skipping of her heart, or being slapped repeatedly . The girl gapes at the loss of breath from the punch and vibrato of the bass, and also at the extent of the swarming gold clad crowd before them that seems either unfazed by it or elated by it. Everyone seems bursting in a delirium and frenzy of noise and color, everyone feverishly restless and boisterously drinking, dancing or mingling with eachother like the rushing compulsive collective movements of a oozing honeycomb hive during a tempest. It is even wilder than the clubhouse that Bad Luck was playing at- the crowd decidedly more raucous and 'adult.' It is so crowded, Ayaka can barely see the club, or its decor, only the people there.

At least Ayaka thought, they didn't have to wait in the line outside. But there arises a better question ;why would anyone willingly wait in a line to come in here?

"Mika." Ayaka croaks as a nearly nude woman,except for being painted in gold and clad in a stagetically placed gold scraps of lycra shimmies by them. "This ...wasn't what I was expecting."

The older woman seems to agree with her by the expression on her face. She takes one last incredulous drinking in at the scene, then steps backwards.

"New plan: Quick- lets get out of here -" Mika turns them both around , collecting Ayaka with a swoop of her arm and proceeds to hurriedly direct her out the door. " Before someone recognizes us."

"OH MY GOD! Mika?!" They hear behind them.

She sees Mika silently mouth a curse word.

They both turn around.

"You actually came for once?! Somebody PINCH me! " A woman screams and flies towards her. She has violet hair crimped into intricate loops, and is dressed in a golden lycra tube top that can barely contain her ample chest, a gold miniskirt that barely covers the apex of her crotch, and knee high platform boots. She's inundated in gold body glitter.

"Noriko!" Mika's expression completely changes from consternation to a practiced pleasant smile."Its wonderful to see you!"

Noriko and Mika embrace, like a entwining braid of black and gold.

"Sweetie, its been ages. You didn't think you could just sneak out without saying hello and having one drink with me, now did you!" Noriko sways Mika back and forth in her arms.

"I wouldn't dream of it." Mika claims, still in her arms. "But I didn't see you in this crowd."

"I know- I know, how can anyone see anything here is the question! Cast of thousands! But amazing turn out right?! But come this way for a second- and pop in and say a quick hello to people-"

" Oh we'd love to -but we really must be going -" Mika refuses with a wave of a hand.

"But you just came in ! I know you're a busy girl about town and the queen of the night, but it'll just be a few minutes! Come on, besides it'll be fun for your new friend, whoever she is, if it'd be okay with her! " Noriko laughs and gestures to Ayaka " And you haven't introduced me to her yet! And that's just not very nice!"

Mika's smile grows more forced .

She glances at Ayaka as if to gauge her reaction.

" It's... fine." Ayaka nods nervously, not wanting to seem socially backwards or disagreeable.

" Alright. A few minutes. " Mika relents, frowning.

Noriko cheers and directs her, and with Ayaka lagging closely behind, to a nearby table.

"Stay a while gorgeous. " Noriko exclaims and waves at the seated group " I'm here with some friends. Hey everybody Mika is here! "

The rest of the impeccably (golden) dressed guests at table cheer and wave at them.

"Paid appearance?" Mika leans and asks in Noriko's ear.

"Ofcourse! I never go anywhere for free nowadays !" Noriko proclaims , her hands on her hips. " Not singing although. Just showing up and looking fab per usual. As you can see, I'm with some of the owners and friends. But we're moving onto an afterparty too. Why don't you join our entourage since you're here for once? And do tell me, who's this mysterious pretty girl with us? "

"A friend. Noriko Ukai. This is Ayaka Usumi." Mika introduces her. " She's visiting from out of town."

"Hello ...Noriko. " Ayaka swallows. She can barely hear both of them.

It's Noriko Ukai , she thinks, from Nittle Grasper'. However the sight of the pop star was so unexpected and strange, she could barely register it.

"Awww ...she's so cute and shy too! I love visitors." Noriko grins. "You been showing this little chickie a good time Mika?"

"I hope so. We wish we could stay ... but we have to move on soon, as we're just stopping in and out... " Mika smiles as if prompted and asks, "How are you? How's your family?

" Oh, my son is with his father. So I get to go out and have some fun again like a free woman again and revisit our wild days. They're having their fun too, off together on a little golfing trip in Okinawa, just the two of them, well him and his side of the family. But they're both such little old men. " Noriko goes on blithely . " They look so adorable in their matching golfing outfits and little hats-"

The rest of the party scoots inward to allow her and Mika to sit. It is a tight and not particularly comfortable arrangement. Mika sits on one side and Ayaka is forced to sit on the other, across from her.

The rest of the group drink and laugh and converse around her.

Ayaka can only hear segments and snaps of their loud and racuous conversation throughout, amongst their showy laughter and their mirthful gestures . She wonders: How can any of them hear one another when the music is so loud? Are they really that amused by eachother?

Or is that the point? Maybe the music is so loud because no one wants to listen to eachother? Why bother trying to talk then?

Ayaka, too shy and muddled to think of anything to say or find any 'in' into the conversation, and otherwise at a lost at what to direct and focus her attention on, looks to Mika.

Noriko is talking animately to the older woman, seemingly explaining something in very jaunty and extensive detail as she is shaking out a pack of cigarettes for others (not herself) around the table.

Mika however, only seems to be paying half-attention. She's staring ahead, occasionally her thoughtful eyes wander around her, the reddened seam of her lips tightening and pressing, reforming with tension. She occasionally murmurs something in agreement. A few dabs of Noriko's body glitter gleams enticingly on her décolleté from their earlier .

As per Noriko's pointing and directing , Mika snatches the black lighter from the middle of the table and lights a nearby stranger's cigarette for him. The older woman then takes one a cigarette for herself and flicks the lighter, lighting the cigarette within her the cup of her hands, making her fingers glow red like the flickering heat of a furnance.

Then without any apparent cause whatever, Mika directs her probing gaze at Ayaka.

Their eyes make contact.

Ayaka sits back at that.

It feels like a shock again, like when their hands touched over the spill earlier.

Mika however, seems undaunted. She stares back at Ayaka in a stern and direct fashion but also questioningly, assessing her. The older woman doesn't blink or look away either as her ember glows with a long considered inhale which mirrors the cast of her eye with its specular intensity . Then she blows out a long stream of azure smoke through the side of her mouth.

Finally, Ayaka averts her eyes .

She feels embarrassed, almost physically upset by it.

Ayaka doesn't know if she is more frazzled because Mika has caught her looking at her, or more embarassed at how Mika looked at her back, like she could possibly reveal everything about her, with just one long concentrated glance. Given Mika's alarming and shrewd kind of intelligence, she probably could.

And Ayaka, ofcourse, did not want Mika to catch her staring at her. (How impolite and eccentric she must seem, doing that.)

But Ayaka cannot help herself but stare at Mika. She's found herself staring at or trying to stare at Mika, without meaning to, all evening.

Even now, after being caught doing it, Ayaka is tempted to do it again.

Maybe because for the simple fact that it feels somewhat forbidden to do it. Or because Mika is beautiful and she did not know Mika smoked. (Despite the fact Ayaka would never smoke herself, no one at home smoked, and she was strictly prohibited from smoking, she oddly very much liked to watch others do it, maybe because it was still taboo and 'adult' to her.)

Before Mika, Ayaka had seen Hiro and Eiri smoke as well, and through all three persons, she found the act, as unhealthy and self-destructive as it was known to be , very suitable to them. Their particular handling of the activity and their own ritual of it , was stylish, adding to them an extra element of flair . And in a peculiar way, the self-destructiveness of smoking connoted a kind of courage, a relaxed addressing and resolute resignation to one's mortality or frailty that Ayaka had always been curious about, or felt she could come to understand herself. That resignation seemed adult . And yes , the sight of smoking seemed... suggestive and illicit too- maybe because it involved and drew attention to both the mouth and the hands working in such close tandem with one another. Also people were known to smoke as they... drank, or during work , or after they did "adult things" , as a form of leisure, for socializing and self-maintenance. How many grown up friends,or interesting conversations Ayaka now wondered had she missed out on just because she didn't smoke , couldn't ask for one or light someone's cigarette for them? She would never know.

And ever since Ayaka had been a little girl, she couldn't help but have her eye drawn to beautiful rituals and people and things, to the point she would often catch herself staring, even if would be considered indecorous and improper for her to do so.

Like how she would time and time again admire Eiri's picture in the past. Or Noriko's or Nittle Grasper's posters. Ayaka had seen these 'famous and attractive people' mostly as static images, visual fodder to be fantasized about. Now actually seeing the live person before her, everything was different, almost painfully and confrontationally concrete. An element of contingency and idiosyncrasy , their immediate context and their reaction to her had been introduced to their person that wasn't there before. And the force of their own will, personality and decision was added and as it were, inextricable from the picture of their body.

As before Ayaka had only seen Eiri as revealed and synonymous with the passionate and romantic prose of his novels, the spirit of his stories embodied by his attractively half-lit photo with his collared shirt open just enough to reveal a tantalising glimpse of his bare chest on the jacket cover. Presently, the girl could never contemplate Eiri's image or his chest agian, not without its attendant memory of how he moved (hardly, and unhurriedly , he was mostly still, like a wax figurine) , and had sounded, acted towards her- world-weary , off-handed, dry and distant, factual, polite, cold and passionless. Acknowledging her, but not taking any 'notice of her'. Devoid of any 'romantic capacity' or without any physical interest in her whatsoever. ( Actually, given his subtle withdrawn affect, it seemed almost unimaginable to see Eiri taking an interest in any woman physically at all, ) . Whereas Eiri had looked 'mature' , authoritative and elegant (in part because of his simple dark dress, ostensibly unflappable mien and his well practiced smoking), if anything the man came across miserly, impregnably solitary , incapable of feeling anything for anyone with any sustained or interpersonal depth, barren and flat as an endless high way, yet equipped with a glare like a cold slowly roving and spearing beam. A scathing beam that looked at, in and then through you. It was deeply unsettling, like his chilly place too, devoid of any personal touches or of personality. This, this joyless austere enclosure was where the 'Eiri Yuki' slept , wrote and lived . This was horribly acute , even admitting this to herself. Ayaka thought, saddened and troubled by her realizations that : Eiri ...almost seemed ... stunted. Blank. Like a untender and somewhat perplexing and a unattractively damaged person (and that was even with the benefit of his good looks). Rather... 'weird' actually, and without substance, like the smoke that prodigiously spewed from his mouth.

And how inconsistent and divorced, disjointed this man seemed from his own output, whereas the narrator of his romance novels had spoken so ardently to Ayaka, in vital visions of intricately crafted poetic and rosy dreams, their plots and diction almost whispering, groaning and gasping with sweet loneliness, poignant longing and all kinds of outgrowths and intimations of exquisite desperation . It had been that heroic courage to confess and bare himself to his readers, and the sheer desperation in his writing that had moved Ayaka to tears or trembling as she rapaciously read Eiri's books, one after another, so much so that Eiri's 'artistic voice' had inspired her to run away and make her own 'heroic ' confession to him. She felt she owed him it- as his stories had become a part of herself, a shorthand of her own emotional readiness and vocabulary. It was like Eiri had held her hand and had spoken to her through his stories many nights like a private lover might. (Just as he had to scores of other unknown women readers ) Or perhaps, Ayaka had always identified with that 'desperation' in his writing all along. Now she lived it, felt it reside in her heart more than she had ever before.

And where was it located in Eiri? Was it just mere inventions, a skillful turn of phrase, a manipulative and decorative feature of his constructed fictional works? Now Ayaka would never pick up a Eiri Yuki novel again , not without remembering how bizarre and brief and just how disappointing and excruciatingly empty their actual interaction had been. It was like all his books had been 'spoilt' for her. Not only did Ayaka feel like a 'jilted fiancée', but a disillusioned fan. Maybe that was all she was, a hysterical and deluded fan , a wretched schoolgirl who had been carried away with some puerile phantasy, and now encountering her enigmatic 'hero' , she had been let down at the truth of who her hero was, which was not really a hero at all . Just a strange... unlikable man who lived in another city and wrote very lovely sounding books for money. Ayaka cursed herself, she should have never come, then her 'perfect pure (illusory ) Eiri' could have been retained, although at a distance. Ayaka supposed, she was now just like the countless other women... who read Eiri's books and sighed over his photograph - who wanted his autograph or a photo with him, a brief brush with greatness, or those provocative 'groupies' whose tabloid ambition was a quick 'fling' if only to brag to others or themselves about it, or benefit from that association by dropping his name, to say that they had had him or that they now knew what Eiri Yuki was really like 'between the sheets'

Ayaka blushed thinking that, no, that hadn't been her intent at all to come all the way to Tokyo just to obtrusively and unscrupulously proposition Eiri, to pressure him in that way by dropping in unannounced, and to try and desperately procure herself a fleeting mental trophy, steal some extemporaneous 'authentic' part of him. It wasn't the purpose of her seeking him for them to... to... rip each other's clothes off and tumble into bed together like some of the more piquant and 'adult' romance scenes in Eiri's novels... (although she had secretly read and obsessively re-read those scenes over and over, although she would never admit to anyone she did that .) Ayaka had not wanted nor had imagined that their frist 'meeting' would be immediate irresistible electricity, flawless repartee that would culminate in some euphoric romp, a spontaneous unbridled eruption of truant sensuality... after all , while that possibility may seem 'exciting' like how a book scene would be , it was highly improbable , and she knew she would be unable to perform to her 'fantasy'. And they were to be married . Falling into bed would seem un-wifely and a un-lady like action to have undertaken, and ungentlemanly of him too . And yes, a cheap torrid rendezvous would be unromantic. Ayaka shuddered like with a physical cramp , how could she even think that way? Everyone would be so... ashamed, disgusted and heartbroken at her immodest, loose and slatternly behavior- should they find it out, and even if they didn't, Ayaka would be problemed with the burdensome guilt of always hiding it from them. Otherwise ...her reputation would be forever compromised and she'd been viewed as inconsequential, 'easy', useable, and worthless. As for Eiri, it would have no affect or her ruination would only be another credential for his 'player' and 'heartbreaker' aggrandizement- not that he would care. But noone would want her or want to be associated with her. Ayaka might be condemned, mocked and casually categorized with .. horrendous slurs, those she could barely even contemplate for their brutal eviscerating ugliness, like a ... 'whore or a ... slut.' Akaka shuddered again, feeling queasy . That was the last thing she wished to be or be seen as- she, who was 'extra- virginal ' like... a olive oil... but if they did call her such names, Ayaka, having no other choice, would completely agree with them and feel like one, as she was as they told her she was. Ayaka had done nothing at all, and somehow, already did feel like one, like she had 'fallen' or degenerated considerably during her short spell in Tokyo. Worse, Eiri might consider her one too - what if Eiri would be the kind of man who would value, enjoy her feminine meekness and coquettish 'purity' as a welcome and desirable contrast to or might serve his own infamous male worldliness (although he didn't seem to be that kind, or that he would enjoy or value her in any context), and if had she 'given' herself to him so abruptly and unceremoniously, might he regard her as base, contemptible and disposable afterwards ? And she wasn't that kind of girl- was she? Ayaka believed she wouldn't do such a thing, but then she wasn't the kind either to run away from home or to strike anyone either. And the 'unchaste' opportunity had not presented itself, so Ayaka could not definitively or honestly say what she might do in that scenario. But what if Eiri had offered his bed to her , in his laconic dispassionate way like how someone might offer a acquaintance a breath mint or a beverage? What if he had asked her if she might like to have him intimately entertain her for the afternoon or that as a 'husband-and-wife-to be' they should get immediately familiarized ? Might Ayaka have said yes? If only out of curiosity, or simply out of starstruck flattery of having been given the invitation or to prove something to herself - but what , that she could ? Or would Ayaka excuse accepting the offer as it being a 'calculated' goal or move, doing it as some women might, to solidify their engagement, or a obligatory precursor to marriage, 'getting it out of the way'? Or would Ayaka have said no to Eiri, not out of any concern for her 'moral purity', or any prudish prissy convention to 'girlish virtue' - but simply out of cowardice, or fearing she would be found odious or loathsomely unhygienic and unappealing during the act, or in revealing her raw inexperience (or her lack of any experience ) to Eiri, that she'd be found laughable, hopeless or terrible at love-making, or that it would not live up to her expectation? And why was her thoughts continually and anxiously steering in this direction ?Although of course it was ...only... natural and self evident that the consummation of a passion and affection between a man and woman to take the form of physical union, wasn't it? And how could one be someone's fiancée and get married, without the expectation of some sexual... intimacy later on? Or had Ayaka's hero-worship of Eiri been so childish, idealistic, sentimental and nebulous, she had excluded actual 'sex ' (she blushed again ) as a possibility , or was it that the reality of sex with Eiri had terrified her just as it had intrigued her, not only toward 'what would happen', but in regards to her own ambivalence towards herself engaging in it?

But to someone 'sophisticated' and 'well-traveled' like Eiri, sex was most likely not anything notable , and had ceased to be anything glorious, momentous or mystical. Not even anything to 'brag about', like how every adult eventually stops feeling 'proud' or thrilled at being able to drive a car or getting a paycheck, or order an alcoholic beverage without being carded. Sex was probably an quotidian affair for Eiri, a trifling and amusing diversion or a mundane habit like playing cards and billiards or watching tv, or like his smoking. But just to further discomfit herself, Ayaka imagined the writer going out for sex with women everyday- like someone feeling restless, might take a aimless leisurely drive to work his car's engine as part of their routine (like Mika drove her car around alone at night?) , or a take a casual stroll to stretch his muscles, the woman being a 'new path' to tread. Eiri probably went to bed with people, simply needing a distraction and reprieve from the stress of 'writing', like someone going out for a cigarette run or break to avoid doing their dreaded work. Eiri might procure himself a new selection, a 'pack of trysts ' which included a prepackaged set of pert slim lover's bodies at his disposal like a lined-up row of cigarettes in his pants pocket, accessible and always on hand for him to ignite and put one suckingly to his lips. Or maybe sex to Eiri was a 'Pavilion' endeavor , where if he wrote well or so many pages in a day, he would allot himself a certain portion of sex as the reward and payment for his labors, the frequent sex he had and the sexual attention he garnered was the guaranteed windfall and inevitable bounty of his professional and literary success, like someone might receive health insurance or paid-vacation days in another occupation . Although Eiri didn't seem like those ...cheesy crude juvenile... 'guys' who proudly and openly proclaimed to pursue certain romanticized professions as a means to an end, in order to ... 'get laid' or all that , (Ayaka's face reddened thinking this way) but Ayaka didn't know Eiri well enough to understand his ends, or motivations to his artistic work in regards to who he was, sexually or otherwise. And if he was like that, could Eiri be blamed? Why should someone so beautiful, desirable and talented have to deny himself, be deprived of anything (or anyone) he wanted? And was it possible to be so debauched and sordid that it became a form of protection, an alibi , another sort of virtue or breed of innocence? And to think: it was almost as Eiri was obliged... to be 'erotically inclined' or promiscuous , he was a man who wrote love stories for a living (and yes, writing about 'making love' was invariably a part of that) in order to titillate and entertain and enthrall readers like her. Yes Eiri sold 'sex' and romance to women and he was reliant on being desirable and 'sexy' to women to promote his work, so a continual and perpetual access to women and a wide-range of sexual experience was just another aspect of his profession- similarly like how Eiri having a large book collection in his apartment and being well-read helped him write too, the same way a chef had to eat and acquaint himself in many diets and cuisines and to the taste of his diners in order to have a vast culinary repertoire and cook well. But what about her? It seemed unfathomable and deeply disturbing that there may be a time that sex ( a new frontier and a novel 'adventure' for Ayaka) would 'inevitably become' nothing exotic or special or particularly stirringly interesting to her at all , as had some other prior aspects of her life like being able to ride a bicycle or knit a sweater . But maybe if Ayaka had insisted that they 'try ' each other , Eiri might have shrugged and calmly and yet grudgingly done it, like someone too polite to refuse a free sample at a shop , of taking another liaison as the pre-requisite territory of being a public 'sex symbol' , or in mechanical deference to custom, like a 'well-trained' man would hold the door open for a unknown lady. And it was a proper for a lady to let a man do this for her and thank him as she passed. And it seemed unintentionally and horribly hilarious, that two people might un-specifically embrace and make love with one another,if only out of an awkward politeness, or because they felt expected' to like each other for aesthetic effect or to maintain some elusory persona, or not knowing what else to do with each other. But wasn't Ayaka supposed to be his wife and form a family with Eiri , but how was that going to happen otherwise ? And if it wasn't to ... make love with Eiri, what was her intent coming to him then? To mawkishly and clumsily declare her love (which she had) ? Praise his eyes? Prove her domestic capacity by helping him shave his face and bringing him his slippers? Discuss his novels intellectually with him over tea and biscuits? Or simply gawk at him? Or to swoon at his feet (which she also had done)?

Ayaka replayed the cringe-worthy meeting between them again. Yes Eiri had smiled at her upon opening the door, and had looked handsome, but his smile had looked ...condescending, impersonal and mildly disingenuous, just another easily flung out featurette of Eiri's bored and dreary apparatus of 'seductiveness' , the automatic veneer like that one might wear on a press function or professionally greeting someone into their high-end salon, a 'marketable' and reconstituted trademarked Eiri Yuki expression which was even more uncanny for being real and right before her. Then darkness, like a system crash , a shut-down. Afterwards she had awoken from fainting on his sofa, to see Eiri, looking blasé and sedately reading a book with his reading glasses on, sitting patiently besides her like someone might in a waiting room, as if women constantly and frequently fainted at his door and had to be carried in like a package. For all she knew, women did, and Eiri would similarly deliver and carry them back out again , when he were done with them or they done with each other. Perhaps Ayaka imagined: Eiri signed a autograph in one of his novels for these girls afterwards, so they would have a token of their conquest and he in signing it, might recall their name. When she had risen like a corpse, Eiri's face had barely altered. There was no surprise or gladness or solicitude in Eiri's expression to acknowledge the fact that she was now conscious whereas before she was not, or she could have never woken up. It seemed rather more than have Ayaka wake, he more wished to return to reading his book . There had been no human speech to describe the level of mortification and despair at the author's response or his lack of response to her . And the way Eiri had reported to her Shindou was his lover, it were as if the grievance and affront was not so much to her to find out this completely unexpected and stunning news, but upon himself , that he who was so self-possessed and aloof, had been reduced to suffering the unpalatable burden of being 'forced' to grimly disclose such intimate information to her. And Eiri, being so tasked with this 'humiliating 'disclosure and having to 'out' himself , seemed to suggest through his bearing , that he would always retain that exchange in his mind as an unbearable offense to him that would not even permit a friendship or a copacetic memory between them to be possible. (But was friendship with a person like Eiri possible? With Hiro , at least friendship was. ) Ayaka realized that she had felt more betrayed at Eiri's impassive and effortless cruelty , his assertion of her worthlessness, like he had reached unflinchingly into her breast and squeezed her heart to a bloody meaty watery pulp in his fist like an over-ripe tomato then wiped his hand as if it had been distastefully dirtied, than at his ...'boyfriend'? Shindou had done nothing , but led her to him so this refusal could happen, but now nearly crazy and paranoid with pain, she wondered if Shuichi had done it intentionally , to entrap her unprepared, wanting to laugh at and ridicule her. But Ayaka could find no proper means to express that anguish to Eiri, from the covetous need of 'wanting' him (and by that, the man she imagined he was from reading the books before). So to protect the object of her desire from her outrage, instead of going home and admitting disgrace and defeat like she should have, she had petulantly lashed out at Shindou instead, the only other person who seemed as witless, naïve and misplaced as she was in this drama and someone she knew who (admitting it made her sound even more ghoulish) would not retaliate against her . Maybe that was why she was angry at Shindou, because they seemed initially so pitiably helpless and alike, yet for whatever reason, sheer luck perhaps, Eiri had him and not her, if only because Shindou had 'gotten 'to him first. Now she knew what distinguished them, Ayaka was seemingly 'pure' and 'kind' whereas, Shindou was actually pure and kind. Or the stress, shock and of the sheer awfulness of the situation had revealed some unseemly and sublimated truth of Ayaka's 'unkind' personality.

And this ofcourse was compounded, because Ayaka had come on this way, and risked all this peril, life and limb and heartache and reprimand , for this?! To have cast out one of her most cherished and secret passions of her young life to this... writer, who was in truth a alien and alienating stranger, and then to have incurred upon herself the belittlingly shame to have confessed her reverence and adoration to someone who seemed to be utterly indifferent, had never once thought of her, or appeared to barely withstand her presence and was entirely inept and disinterested in being able to reciprocate or even respect her feelings? It was like trying to find a generous source of subsistence in drought, only to find it had been a false and persecuting mirage, the water that might saved one, putrid, fetid and undrinkable, years and years of waiting patiently, suffering in hope, just to be wasted , dismembered and dismantled in an instant, and when she had let go of Eiri's wrist it had felt like someone might let go of the last thether holding onto life to let themselves drop into the tomb of a dream of love. Moreover, however she might have reacted in front of Eiri , whatever she did would have no affect on Eiri whatsoever. No matter if she reached to him, cried or yelled, or fainted again, she might combust and die right there on the spot (she had wanted to die right then), the writer simply wouldn't care. But he might nonchalantly light his cigarette from her smoldering ashes like he were doing her a favor . Eiri was impervious to her. And that made Eiri so frightening and mystifying . Ayaka was so undesirable and uninteresting to him, she had nothing to offer that he potentially wanted or cared about. She had no draw, influence or claim over him, not like he had on her, enough that she had come all the way from Kyoto just to collapse at his door . And Ayaka had felt so naked, blind, desperate, stripped down and frustratingly furious at this inequality between them, of the reality of this treatment, as if Eiri and Shindou and the forces of the universe had somehow been in collusion together, to create the most devastating and undignified outcome for her possible , just to show her just how stupid , powerless and meaningless she was. Had Ayaka then hit Shindou in an attempt to try and regain some meagre control, to hurt and 'get at' Eiri in revenge, to affect 'something ', or just to bring some attention to herself who was so unimportant, inflict her existential distress 'safely' on someone else? How ineffectual, spiteful and pathetic of her if that were so, like a babyish truculent schoolyard bully- Ayaka shrank with self- chatisement how did she think that would help her case or make her appear sympathetic to anyone? How could she accuse Eiri of petty cruelty after what she did ? Or was that maybe the point? Why had she done it? Had 'she' really done it , had that been 'her '? Or was she really someone else now ?This problem of herself was like a finger trap, the more she tried to extricate herself from what confounded her and the unbearable tension within her, the more she found herself stuck in it.

Or maybe, why Ayaka's then anger seemed so ridiculous, misinformed and undeserved now was that Ayaka could see (given time to think about it) what had seemed Eiri's 'coolness' or savoir faire was actually Eiri's extreme awkwardness. The brittle emotionlessness was his masculine rigid mask forged over his fatigue, and his self-doubt and fragility. Eiri wasn't frightening, he was only eerie or more accurately, haunted by something . The man's 'cruelty' was more a defensive self-erected kind of evasion- as if the writer were almost... disquieted , cautious and uncomfortable with her or any demand she might make on him, or he was simply too exhausted, preoccupied and dispirited by his own obscure concerns to 'see' or pay mind to her or care about anything. Eiri for supposedly someone who was slick and " good' with women, had seemed ... clammed up and somber,shy , depressed, and stiffly socially inept, unable to talk to Ayaka outside the confines of his gelid guarded and limited persona. Maybe he had so deeply wanted her ejection , out of his life and from the sanctuary of his home , he could not hide it even for a short time. Or he feared exposure, Eiri did not want for her to see him as he truly was- not only in his possibly different 'sexuality' but just for his being so plain odd. There was something... not right with Eiri. Ayaka was vaguely aware that Eiri because of his different appearance most likely had a more 'difficult' childhood, but his last years of adult success and being famous, adored and considered so widely attractive should have be more than compensatory for that possible hardship, wasn't it ? Moreover, Eiri 'as a secure grown man' should have recovered from a few unpleasant memories of childhood bullies by now. But it was like his insides had once been all scooped out, and now what remained was this absent writerly front, and the strained and confused capacity to try and scoop away at others- so that he could attempt to unsuccessfully and poorly substantiate himself . Even worse, when she had grabbed his wrist, Eiri had no responded with any confident virility or Casonova deftness as anyone might expect , the man had only froze, tensed grimly, stilled-wary, as if wanting to withdraw and flee from her and her touch. It had felt like a reversal of the traditional assumptions, she the girl, was the pursuer, the aggressor, the suitor- harasser , advancing upon the passive, undesiring and beautiful object, or Eiri,the boy - and suddenly, Ayaka had felt indecent, no better than those hateful brutish men that had pawed and gripped her arm, grinned at her disgustingly and lewdly, trying to harm and defile her with their depraved aggression, and to drag her and accost her in the park (she had not meant it that way to Eiri. She hoped he had not felt hurt or invaded by her. ). And Eiri, already unsettled by her presence, seemed even more apprehensive the closer in proximity she came to him. That Eiri was hollowed , weighed and 'depleted' for some profound private reason, and 'conflicted' with what he had, with 'who he was' had been obvious even to her. But this was not fascinating or 'cool' and romantic. It was only unpleasant, baffling and sad.

And then she had seen firsthand how Eiri's face had transformed , had seemed immeasurably more humane, responsive when he looked at Shuichi Shindou than at her. It had never occurred to Ayaka that Eiri 's' romantic desire' might be directed at a man (ofcourse Ayaka was aware such different kinds of people existed, although she did not know and had never encountered someone like that personally- except Eiri now. Therefore Ayaka just never thought she understood 'that phenomena ' enough to form any kind of judgment on it, it being so foreign to her and she being so ignorant about it) , and a man with a character so disparate from his . Maybe it had never occurred to Eiri either, and ,he found himself, despite himself, still drawn to Shindou, while determined not to be ( she had seen the minute frowns on his face as he studied the singer). And she knew; Eiri , in his unhappiness and uncertainty had needed her 'help' and her support, she by going to the concert by his invitation, had provided him with that small measure of help, had assisted in his self-affirmation. Ayaka understood: Eiri ,in spite of his 'cool' act, was astoundingly 'insecure'. Insecure enough to want to take her whom he had just met, as a prop to a pop concert in order to show her something (why if he did not care for her, should she need to shown anything?) , but it was all really to 'prove' something to himself . By bringing Ayaka as his 'date', Eiri had wished to make Shindou envious , because he so badly needed to know Shuichi needed and wanted him and would not relinquish him to someone else. And this, Ayaka knew, was not an act of a admirable or confident or a untouchably cool mature person, but a... desperately pitiable and dysfunctional man. For she knew if Shindou had 'said nothing' , Eiri , in his own mind, would have at least had 'come' with her, so Eiri would have not been rejected by him because by having her as his fiancée ,she would be his face-saving back-up, he could feign to be gloating about her, she was his a safety net, or even a form of 'moral support' (And Eiri didn't seem to have anyone else for that). Meaning ; Eiri for being so 'callous' and 'misanthropic' in appearance , wanted himself to be disproved. Even being able at any instant to take any woman he wanted home , the author was terribly lonely, pathetically afraid of rejection and wanted so much to 'belong' and be loved by someone- even by a laughable little silly pink-haired fool like Shindou. And moreover she saw that Eiri looked upon Shindou with such fixed grave seriousness , like the boy was his hero, the sun in his sky, someone who could change him, had pierced him through his heart. It was plain that Eiri wanted to fall in love with the younger man or already had, and was coming to accept it. And Ayaka had been for a short time crucial and necessary to Eiri as a witness and the catalyst to this revelation. She was this for Shindou's revelation too - she represented to Shindou the threat of potentially losing Eiri forever, which had spurred Shindou to such a frenzied agonized pitch that he had uncontrollably, heartrendingly roared for Eiri, with a plaintive cry of an tortured animal, needing to howl his possession over Yuki to the whole world. To which Eiri had , instead of fleeing or responding to such a hysterical declaration with laughter or repulsion as a 'cool man' might , merely agreed, acknowledged it, without any hesitation surrendered to that infallible claim, yes it was settled, he belonged to Shindou. And it had felt, like having been summoned to a ring without precedent and being felled with one knock out punch to Ayaka, crumping her in a spray of her own blood and viscera and flying uprooted teeth, and without getting even one blow to her opponent in (well, she had once physically slapped him) , she realized then; she never had a fighting chance. Then again, she had willingly accepted Eiri's invitation, and voluntarily, even eagerly set herself up to be 'knocked down', like a girl tying herself to a train track only to realize no one was coming to rescue her. Or was she just curious to see for herself how Shindou might respond, had wanted to understand and to ascertain what it was they really had? Now , Ayaka tormented herself, they were probably at home where they lived together , triumphantly 'reclaiming' each other all over again, celebrating or reconfirming that love , and she by attempting to test them or trespass between them , she had inadvertently made even more absolute and impenetrable . And Ayaka had not only felt shattered by the vehemence with which she had been 'driven and exorcised out' from the two of them, but had been shaken that anybody could feel with such rawness, so strongly for someone else. She didn't know if she envied Shindou for having Eiri, or just what he and Eiri had , and she didn't know if the two men's need and desire for one another should be considered as something breathtakingly beautiful and touching or appalling or unsound in its intensity. But it wasn't up to her to decide. Whatever they had, it could not be any more unfounded, obsessive or deluded than what she had bore Eiri before. Having served her purpose, Ayaka was no longer needed in Eiri's and Shindou's love story and could be therefore excluded, 'written off' discarded and passed on. And in that moment, Ayaka had no choice but to dizzily accept that Eiri's face had ceased to become 'beautiful' to her as a source of potential love and happiness- now its handsomeness tore a wound in her, as a symbol of loss, unattainable dreams, of uncaring and excruciating rejection, a cessation of warmth and of that possibility of the future she had envisioned for herself as a wife of a handsome successful romance writer. Instead of her own delightful aspiration, Eiri and his books was a source of opprobrium, the once pleasure of it indistinguishable from her current pain, or making it more painful.

And like Ayaka herself... once considered a poised and soft-spoken courteous beauty at home, a desirable product of her family's legacy and a "prized" symbol herself, a reaping of an upbringing of tradition and genteel wealth... that image carefully constructed with her well-compiled resume of proper doings and her staged portraits wearing her pastel flowery kimono and her painstakingly natural looking makeup that she had been designated to don in order to create that wholesome impression, had entirely destroyed that image over a course of two days, would henceforth seem to the Uesugi family a troublemaker, a incongruous specter. Someone who ,while having been an uninvited and unwanted guest, had made a graceless, impulsive and unfeminine impression in the short time she had spent here. And her own behavior did not make sense, even to herself. Ayaka had always thought herself a orderly and conscientious person, considerate and conventional, bordering on timid. Now willfully and forcibly divesting herself of what she knew, she felt gripped and swept up in a indeclinable and unknown motive, that was directing her to act in unbelievable and unbecoming ways , in ways she never thought possible. This trip had induced something, or she herself by choosing to undertake the trip, had induced something that would change and expand her rather condensed and what seemed well-encased world forever like a closed bud being pried open. She would not be returning to Kyoto, the same girl, that was obvious.

As for looking at Mika, the only other ...'girl' in this story, (and now purposely not looking at her), and her image, there was a certain compelling quality and dynamic finesse of the older woman's body ( Mika was leggy, tall, curvy and strong , prone to statuesque poses, impressively and authoritatively womanly -whereas Ayaka felt she herself had parts of a woman, that she exercised and moved about with a childish timidity, a rueful diffidence, and rather twiddling and insipidly, floating about and occasionally almost accidently encountering and clinging to people like a spokes of a wish flower ). There was a highly deliberate and affecting undercurrent to Mika's movement and speech that seem to encompass and swiftly elude the things around her. Ayaka found herself , despite herself, increasingly curious and interested in the older woman and who she was. Mika seemed to adapt to everything, and while being essential and influencing her group and surroundings, she did not wholly belong to them . The older woman was always at the crux to the formation of things, a nexus or a gate keeper, but somehow set apart, not reconciled or included in the result. Or Ayaka thought : Mika was a connector but disconnected from what she linked. She moved herself and affected progress in others like a powerfully revved vehicle. One thing: Mika was meant to be Ayaka's foray to Eiri and it was only after Eiri's rejection , did Mika express an interest in being 'sisters' or 'friends' with her. Even in her marriage : Mika was married to her husband but Ayaka had felt no closeness, chemistry or similarity between Mika and Tohma (one would not naturally 'put them together' like other couples. And there was something effete and fanciful even in Tohma's plastic countenance, that Mika did not have, in that way there seemed something much more hard-bitten and subterranean about her than her husband . ) Mika was married to a pop star and a mogul, and was 'friends' with that set, but she did not listen to pop music, she seemed to shun and resent it infact. Mika was related to Eiri, but in look and manner they did not resemble each other at all. Mika had even helped Eiri get his work published but she didn't even bother to read his books. Even to her own father, Mika's modernity of clothing and behavior compared to her father's aged and monkish apparel and demeanor made a jarring demarcation and contrast that denoted despite their relation,a distinct rift between them .

There was also a sultry, yet moody, a seductive trapping and exacting enclosing quality to Mika's gaze and expression that distinguished Mika from the others Ayaka had met during this brief visit to Tokyo. Mika was different. Or maybe her being a woman, as she said earlier, constantly 'outnumbered' by a bevy of seemingly absurd, unmanageable or 'exasperating' crowd of boys , made her differences all the more pronounced, extreme and apparent. There was Mika having lost her Mother- who was the main woman in every girl's life, and then being subjected to many pressures and obligations and being scrutinized from a young age, and this had made Mika 'tougher', cooler and more cunning, more head-strong then other women Ayaka knew. And Mika was... made beautiful for it too. But Ayaka had felt confused about what Mika meant when she said she hadn't felt pretty growing up. Was it because Mika claimed she was not the kind of soft pastoral 'natural' beauty (like her Mother's) that she professed to admire? Wasn't Mika's artful beauty , being enameled sleek, ' artificially' but wonderfully painted just as attractive , if not more , for its discipline and meticulous maintenance, for its chic smartness and arresting severity ? Ayaka admitted: Mika was not 'cute' and no one would ever call her that (unlike most people who commonly agreed that Ayaka was cute, and called her kittenish or doe-eyed with a rabbit nose or some other trait borrowed from a sweet, defenseless but lovable animal ) but Mika's formidable striking looks impressed Ayaka, far more than her own accessible uncontestable 'candy box prettiness' which made her feel indistinct from other 'cute girls' but this look she was unwittingly, by nature and circumstance, given and stuck with. Ayaka ...very much liked Mika's luxuriant cold smooth made up complexion- resembling many desirable things other than skin- like cream, porcelain or ivory, and Mika's cleverly precise black rimmed eyes, just as she enjoyed ... her perfect nails and Mika's vibrantly lustrous recreated lips ( painted that same glossy red as her car, like juicy vinyl. That ruby shade fit a woman of Mika's acceleration and glamour) , and even with that, the unapologetic and her defiant expression while wearing it, the glaringly assertive and ostentatious dissimulation of Mika's presented self, all the more alluring and intimidating for the elusive face it projected, enhanced and at the same time, concealed. "This is who I am, which is who I am not and in making you take notice of me, you are not deserving to really see me ." It haughtily proclaimed. Ayaka tried to imagine Mika as a breathless au-naturale 'blushing bride'- and the sight almost would compel someone to laugh with how unsuitable it was. It simply 'wasn't Mika.' But Ayaka thought , she hoped: it might be herself one day.

And Ayaka was well-aware that this vision of beauty and others could co-exist with many others without cancelling or detracting from them thereby, and that there were many kinds of beauty , as many kinds as there were men and women, like the kinds of rain, plants, animals, sea, land, creatures, cities, scenes and flowers. Each kind afforded their own unique pleasure. But what that pleasure meant to her, Ayaka could not say. Like Eiri even after hurting her, was still beautiful too- like Hiro. another boy, was very different to Eiri, but still handsome. And Eiri and Mika could still, after these latest events, be both beautiful to her... like two flowers, one held in each palm, but obviously, in a very different way. But its not only a matter of their gender , dress and coloring- but something else. They stirred very different feelings in her but she couldn't define what they were. At the same time, Eiri and Mika both similarly disconcerted Ayaka -unlike Hiro, whose down to earth affablity and laid back accepting attitude grounded and charmed every one. Hiro truly was a 'nice guy'. Mika and Eiri were many things but 'nice' was not one of them. Indeed, Mika and Eiri seemed more alike then Ayaka felt comfortable admitting. Maybe in just the fact that they were siblings, both living in this city, both 'sophisticated' , jaded, dourly charismatic. One wanted to approach them- but they're both seemed largely unapproachable and 'alone'. They were desirable in it of themselves, and they acted within the bounds of courtesy but they made you very aware they were 'acting', or their real selves were inaccessible. There was something exotic, cold and mysterious in their deportment. They both seemed, in their own way, uncompromising and difficult to contend with. What was it about that quality that Ayaka was drawn to?

Then in the midst of this extensive reverie, everyone seems to putting out their cigarettes and to be lurching , shifting out of their booth to let Mika and Noriko out.

As a group they all rise and stand like a fire drill is starting.

Ayaka stands up too as she is at the very end.

"Hey Ayaka," Noriko speaks into Ayaka's ear. " Mika and I and some friends, are going to take some pictures at the leader board . Wanna come with us? The more the merrier!"

"Oh no. No thank you- I'm... not in the mood to get my picture taken tonight. And next to you - I'd just fade into the backdrop but thank you. I'll just stay at the table." Ayaka refuses, a hand over her face.

" Isn't she polite! I think the girl doth protest too much!" Noriko grabs her elbow.

Ayaka bawks and cries. "Oh no please. Please don't make me!"

Noriko looks a little taken aback at that reaction.

"She doesn't feel like it Noriko." Mika instructs sternly.

"Oh , alright." The violet haired woman giggles good naturedly and takes Mika by the elbow. "C'mon, lets go get in some tabloids! Maybe we can stage a cat-fight huh?"

Mika rolls her eyes but goes with her.

Ayaka watches the picturesque group pose and posture splendidly frivolous at the giant backdrop that reads in bombastic baroque gold letters : The Golden Age. They swing their arms around eachother, change postions like a minuet, they dance about, and wave at the cameras, give peace signs and blow kisses . They seem very happy to be there, assured in their sense of belonging there and to each other, like it truly were their golden age. Ayaka is relieved she won't be part of this picture, integral to that memory. It may be their golden age, but it was certainly not hers. Her dark age perhaps. She doesn't want the pictures to be printed and have people have to point at her, straggling by the side, and say 'who was that?' She did not belong there, and now she won't either. Its best that she be gone, and quickly forgotten. She thinks, both at this club and for the entire evening.

Once again she looks at Mika. Mika compared to the rest of them is quite subdued. For the same reason she is wearing black she stands out like an obsidian anchor or a inverted star in the gold clad crowd. Perhaps that's why they placed her in the middle of the group. The older woman smiles miminally (not showing teeth) but it is not a smile that reaches her eyes. She does not willingly touch anyone else, but does not refuse when someone swings a arm around her or puts a hand on her waist, or places their cheek besides hers. The older woman looked unexcited in the midst of revelry. Occasionally Ayaka sees Mika's mouth twist and her eyes dart away with a look of annoyance and tested tolerance in between flashes.

Then Mika, from where she stands, looks directly at Ayaka.

Unlike Hiro's gaze at Ayaka which was warm, eager, brimming with friendly acceptance and full of boyish longing, Eiri's stare that was disinterested , clinical, non-hostile, or tense, or like Shindou's that was exuberantly quizzical or sympathetic or dazed , Mika's stare is one of seizure, of calm absorbing certainty, emboldened with the surety of one who knows and possesses.

Or it is possible Mika cannot see her from this angle, or is only looking at that general direction by coincidence.

Or it could be a sign of Mika even not being able to see her, is wanting to keep her eye on Ayaka, feeling that Ayaka now is 'her's', included as an inextricable part of her person tonight . Even while she is taking her photo amongst all these other people she 'belongs to', Mika's mind is on her (similarly how Ayaka's mind is right now revolving around Mika) . Possibly, Mika looks so uninterested during this photo, because Mika wished to return to her side instead.

Ayaka knows that thought is highly improbable, or is more likely, wishful thinking. Regardless, in that moment, Ayaka suddenly feels inspite of the crowd, that they are the only two people there.

Ayaka doesn't hear someone approach her.

" HEY! Wanna dance?"

She feels a tap on her shoulder.

Ayaka twists around.

In front of her is a boy in a open shirt that exposes his gold sprayed bare chest and shorts- shorts entirely composed of gold lame, that is so tight and revealing, Ayaka can see all the details of his intimate anatomy. He is also wearing a set of collapsing gold ragged wings and knee length golden gladitator sandals. He has a minature gold painted toy bow and arrow to complete his costume.

The boy in gold lame shouts in her face. " Wanna dance ?! And whats your name?!"

Ayaka shakes her head . "No thank you. And I'm Ayaka."

" Why not Erika?" He yells even louder.

Ayaka doesn't bother to correct him to the right name. She yells hoarsely, over the brashness of the music. " I don't know how to dance."

"Come on. Nobody knows how. Nobody cares!" The boy admonishes her.

"Come on! It'll be fun. " His apparent friend, a girl bounds and swoops in besides him . She's squeezed into a gold bandage dress, her face is speckled with gold flecks like a robin's egg, but is melting off down the side of her face. Her hair is curled into a spiral with golden synthetic butterflies woven throughout it. She is taller than both of them in her metallic high heels, and wearing a sequined bow tie on her neck. " I'll come too- all us hot people on the dance floor."

Ayaka finds herself being pulled by this couple by the elbows.

" Here. You're not wearing anything gold! Spoilsport! " The girl takes the gold bowtie off her neck and ties it onto Ayakas wrist.

"Take this too!" The boy also gives her the prop golden bow and arrow like the bestowing of an award.

Dazedly Ayaka takes it.

The couple dances around her, although it is so crowded on the sticky dance floor, it is more like a chaotic pungent mass of flesh and metallic fabrics rhythmically bumping into eachother.

Ayaka grimaces , and looks up at the ceiling as if to look for an exit route, putting her arms around herself.

"So. Where do you going clubbing?"

"What?" Ayaka yells. " ...Clubbing ?"

"Well obviously you're here! Where else? " The girl shouts in her face.

Not knowing how to answer that, Ayaka says ."I'm from out of town. Where are you from?"

" We came from a time before yonder! The Golden Age! " The boy makes a sweeping gesture to the best of his ability.

" So how do you get in here? Its pretty exclusive you know. " The girl pants, her face now dripping with copious amounts of golden sweat.

It occurs to Ayaka that she still does not know these people's names.

Feeling foolish, Ayaka blurts out. " I'm Mika Seguichi's sister."

"No way. I didn't know Mika Seguichi had a sister. But now that you mention it, you do look a lot alike!" The boy winks.

"Really." Ayaka 's eyes widen. " We do?"

"Yeah! You're both hot." The girl leers. " So thats what you said at the doors? You know, everytime I come in, we're Noriko Ukai's 'cousins '." She winks. " Spitting image right!"

"Its a small world isn't it!" The boy grins.

Ayaka stares back at them uneasily.

"Hey. So wanna come to the bathroom with us ?" The girl leans down and asks Ayaka, then turns to the boy. "Should she come. She seems cool. " She confers to him in a low voice.

" Yeah, ofcourse . She's Mika sister. "The boy snorts.

Ayaka frowns. "Why ?I don't need to use it ."

" No. Not to use for its intended purpose, I mean for the three of us to have some fun. " The girl grins and murmurs into her ear.

The couple both smile at her expectantly and close around her .

"Won't it ...be crowded." Ayaka utters between them.

They both erupt into laughter.

"God. What a funny girl." The boy snorts .

" She has a dry wit." The girls agrees.

Ayaka feels vaguely humiliated, like she's being made a fool out of, along with that now sadly familiar sinking sense of dread, the nauseating blood-jellifying premonition of danger-similar to what she felt in the park with the two frightening men.

She knows this is the time she needs to extricate herself.

" Sorry . I should... return back to the table. My friends I came with are... all waiting. " Ayaka stammers and futilely waves behind herself.

Nobody waves back as nobody has gone back to the table yet.

"Okay, okay, I see .. You got your own party waiting tonight? Well, if it gets boring " The boy looks at her knowingly. "You know where to find the real party. "

The girl nods as if in sage agreement. "But come soon, it won't last all night. "

The boy and girl both dance past her.

Ayaka , feeling more frayed and fearful, tries to make her way back to the table.

Ofcourse it is that this precise moment,someone, the DJ or one of the club purveyors, feels it necessary to use the strobe light .

This makes the trek though the dance floor even more discombobulating.

Ayaka can only see in blinks like disjointed splices of a corroded film, pulses of flashing lightning, all those jostling around her, splayed hands, folding muscles and limbs and undulating torsos, impressions of grinning and grimacing faces, prying or empty eyes, disappearing then manifesting themselves from nothingness, like a dark void pierced by sparks and sorties of lit half-dressed bodies convulsing and wirthing to the terrible relentless music. All the other revelers become sudden pop up barriers, a dancing trembling silver cage around her.

Ayaka feels like she can barely walk or see the ground, like she is whirling and subject to an irresistible inner-vertigo. She wonders if she ever will get off this dance floor and if so, in what condition .

On her way through the crowd, a stranger's hand's snatches the bow and arrow away from her arm.

Disoriented, Ayaka stumbles and turns to see the bow and arrow being passed through the dancing crowd to some hoots and jeers in beautiful and awful dashes , scene by stark scene like a stuttering flip book, or the vision of one afflicted by the ticking of a defective pace-maker, an interposed series of X-ray films, she watches the bow and quiver of arrows being ripped apart, drawn and quartered like a seized doll by a frenzy of grasping unruly hands.

Ayaka shivers at that sight.

Then she feels a hand grab her shoulder tightly, catches and pulls her in.

She turns around with a terrified jolt.

Its Mika.

Mika asks her, urgently, both hands firmly securing her shoulders, walking her several steps towards her off the floor. " Ayaka? ...Ayaka? Are you alright?"

Mika says it several times before it sinks in, and they walk together a few steps, Mika's resting hands tightening on her shoulders, then falling away.

Ayaka steps back, apage.

" Oh yes. Completely." Ayaka croaks, putting her arms around herself. "Why. Why ...do you ask."

Mika studies her , her face caressed by the roving rays of light overhead. Her expression is both domineering and very concerned. The strobe lights have stopped and now a rainbow laser show is beginning. " I couldn't find you at the table."

"I'm ... sorry to make you worry, I was... talking... to some people." Ayaka swallows.

Mika squints at her. " Are you done now?"

"Yes." Ayaka nods repeatedly. "Yes I am."

Then Mika looks at the crowd. Ayaka notices Mika still smells faintly of smoke.

"This place is a zoo." Mika states. "You ready to go?"

"Yes I am. Please. Do you mind?" Ayaka tries to suppress a sigh of relief.

"Mind?" Mika mutters. "I've been counting the minutes until we get to leave."

---

In the car , they sit in silence.

"What did you say to Noriko and her friends to excuse us?" Ayaka asks shakily.

"I said I had to take you back to Kyoto."Mika reports back to her .

"Is that what you're going to do now?" Ayaka says. Its... okay if you want to."

"Is that what you want Ayaka?" Mika looks concerned again. " Have you not been enjoying yourself with me?"

The younger woman whispers. "...No , no its not that...I'd.. like to stay longer... but..."

"But." Mika finshes the sentence, "Are you tired now? Do you want to go back and rest?"

"Not yet." Ayaka turns to look at her.

She does not want the night to end on that note. So she blurts out. "Out of curiousity, what did you ...buy yourself earlier?"

Mika's brow furrows as if confounded at the sudden question.

She finally said. "I bought myself a scarf. And another tube of the lipstick I wear."

They are quiet again for a time.

She could sit here with Mika in silence for the rest of evening or longer, Ayaka thinks. Sit in this car, not going anywhere and that would content her. As long as they did, the evening would not have to end and Ayaka would not have make any kind of summation or judgment on her journey so far.

"So what do you want to do now." Mika asks.

"Maybe you should decide that ...Is there anywhere else we could go? " Ayaka asks pleadingly."To... be by ourselves? "

Mika murmurs. "Yes... possibly. I can think of one."

---

They end up at a jazz club , as Mika promised they would go to much earlier in the evening.

"Welcome back Ms. Seguichi." The bartender greets them quietly as they walk past him at the counter.

Its an intimate, hole-in-the- wall place, adorned in a cascade of red curtains, bronzed tan and comfortably partitioned walls. Graphic pictures of jazz musicians or their instruments are scattered through out. Other than the small stage, there is nothing else distinctive about it.

"This is more my scene. It won't be like the club. Its far more ...civillized here. Nobody will see us together either. " Mika tells her as they sit down.

Strange. Ayaka thinks. Does Mika not want people to see them together?

Mika orders them another glass of wine. Red this time.

A band comes out and assembles themselves infront the small dark stage. The band consists of two white men- one on piano and on the base cello, one Japanese man on the drums and a white woman- the singer.

"No one else is here... Is it open?" Ayaka asks confusedly as she looks around themselves at the surrounding archipelago of empty tables.

No one is around and no one seemingly is coming in ethier.

"It is for us." Mika replies.

The band proceeds to play a set.

Mika sits there silently.

She does not clap. She does not drink her wine ethier.

For that reason, Ayaka follows her lead and doesn't clap ethier. She takes the occasional sip of the wine, only because its there. It's only fairy potable, simultaneously plummy and astringent.

Ayaka finds she can't really listen to or concentrate on the music.

She's thinking of all the events of the night. The concert. Spilling tea on the leather sofa. Dinner. Then dinner somewhere else. The gallery. Shopping. Buying the gifts. Winning the bottle. The manic club. Now here. How surreal it all seemed.

And thinking of what may happen tommorow. Thinking of Eiri. Hiro. And the woman beside her.

And Ayaka is thinking about looking at her again.

And if she looked, how would Mika look back at her this time?

Ayaka doesn't dare to attempt it. Instead, she keeps her eyes ,like a continuous act of discipline, ahead on the performance.

Ocassionally Ayaka catches part of the music and it distracts her from her thoughts. She is grateful for that.

The jazz- singer starts singing , after standing around and swaying stylishly, for most of the set.

After 2 songs, she sings something particularly dreamy, ear catching and sweet sounding, the soft beseeching tone of it Ayaka immediately recognizes .

" What song is she singing now?" Ayaka finally asks Mika.

Mika stares at her for a moment.

Mika finally answers. "It's called" Someone to Watch Over Me"

Ayaka admits. "I ...like it."

---

They end up back at the penthouse.

""Is this is how you normally live everyday ?" Ayaka asks her in amazement as Mika turns the key to let them both in.

"If you call this normal. Or living . " Mika quips as she opens the door. "Nevermind. Did you enjoy yourself."

Ayaka replies, thinking of a compliment that feels too close to the truth . "Yes I did, because I felt like… your sister. Although I still think you're far too beautiful to be my sister."

"Well. If you are to be my sister, then you must be beautiful as well." Mika sighs and holds the door open for her.

"Oh... thank you for saying that." Ayaka whispers.

Mika ignores that and gestures her inside.

When Ayaka does, Mika walks past her.

"Why don't we go out to the balcony for a moment. Its scenic tonight." Mika suggests as she turns on the lights in the apartment, then charges onward, not waiting for her reply.

Ayaka follows Mika onto the balcony.

She feels like she has following Mika all night and barely keeping up like chasing after a ceaselessly unraveling ribbon. But she doesn't mind following Mika here.

The view of the city is bewildering. An infinitude of ruby and gold blinking lights everywhere from the buildings and the cars down at the street, a electric constellation seemingly reaching out to the actual stars, a vibrating urban abstraction of paradise, incorporating everything Ayaka has seen or imagined tonight, a million candles burning, white wine and red, cigarette embers, glitter, and leaves in one final spectacular moving tableau.

"You're... right. You can... see the entire city from this vantage. And all the lights. They're... so... beautiful." Ayaka's jaw drops and she gasps. The beauty of the scene grips her like a opening of her chest. like she could fall into and become a part of its devouring intensity. "You're... so... lucky to enjoy this view often."

"Its a perk of having a penthouse high up in Shinjuku. But usually I'm enjoying it by myself." The older woman casts her purse aside on the ground. She murmurs. "But I'm lucky to have such good company to enjoy it with me tonight."

Ayaka looks at Mika.

Mika turns and smiles back at her mysteriously.

They are silent for a moment.

" Are you tipsy Ayaka?" She asks lightly.

Ayaka gapes. "No. Why do you ask? Do I seem it?"

Mika replies. " No. But I watched you. You've didn't drink very much. Two glasses at the most and they were spaced hours apart."

"Yes, but I only always have just one glass."Ayaka says quietly. "I'm... I'm... fine though."

Mika remarks dryly. " You are a wild one aren't you."

After a pause Mika says ."I saw you dancing too."

Ayaka apologizes. " ... I'm sorry you had to see that."

"No. It was a good thing, seeing you spend time - with people your age." Mika murmurs."Did you enjoy yourself?""

Ayaka cringes, thinking of that strangely excitable boy and girl in the club who made her feel so uncomfortable

." It... was ok, but I think I prefer to spend time with people ...a little older than me I think…" Ayaka adds.

"Why is that?" Mika muses.

"Because they're calmer. And... gentler. They know more. And I feel more mature around them, because you can talk to ... people who aren't teenagers in a deeper, and more serious way. Like ...how I can talk to you." Ayaka says honestly.

"I'm glad you feel that way." The older woman remarks without any particular emotion.

Ayaka then ventures to speak again. " So could I ask you something..."

Mika nods.

"Why was nobody else there at the last place ?" Ayaka says curiously . "Was the jazz club open just for us ?"

"I wanted you to see if you liked jazz or not, without any distractions. " Mika answers without a beat.

" So you arranged a... band to play ... just for me? " Ayaka squeaks.

Mika looks like she's suppressing a another look of impatience. "How else would you have listened to it otherwise?"

Ayaka exclaims. " But... you didn't have to go through all that trouble on my account!"

"It was no trouble. " Mika sighs. "They open for me anytime."

Ayaka gapes. "But that ...was so...sweet of you."

"Please. It was nothing. I thought we deserved a civil and pleasant end to the evening. But I understand its late now. The set took longer than I anticipated...I suppose they were eager to play tonight for some reason . But I should let you turn in now and get some rest-you've been out long enough and you have quite the day ahead of you tomorrow, I'll show you where everything is-" Mika turns and begins to head inside.

"No!" Ayaka erupts as if suddenly struck. " Wait! Please..."

Mika stops and looks over her shoulder.

" If its alright with you, if you're not too tired,... I.. I'd so like to talk to you some more. If you don't mind. " Ayaka utters.

Ayaka doesn't feel ready for this night to end. She doesn't want it to. Or maybe she still feels too lonely , too unsure to have to be alone with her conflicted thoughts. And it is minutely possible, that Mika will provide her something with which she can end this night on a good note and that she can sleep soundly on.

"About what Ayaka?" Mika says, now frowning.

"...Private things." Ayaka chews her lip. " Is that alright?"

Mika seems to think for a moment.

"Yes it's fine. The night is still young." The older woman says smoothly. "Would you like something to drink frist."

"Yes." Ayaka says agreeably. "Anything is fine thank you."

"Just anything?" Mika suggests. Why don't we open the bottle you won for me. "

"...Could we do that?"

"Why couldn't we." .

Ayaka croaks. " Because I thought ...champagne was only for special occasions and I don't want to make you share... your gift."

"If it's my gift, then it's mine to share with whom I wish, and I wish to share it with you Ayaka. That will be a gift to myself to have some with you. And this can be a special occasion- our own private golden age. Whereupon you're my guest of honor. " The older woman smiles graciously at her.

Mika goes into the apartment.

When she comes out back onto the balcony after what seems a long time, its with two champagne flukes in tow.

Ayaka takes her glass. " Thank you."

" You're welcome darling. " Mika purrs. "I'm sorry its not very cold. I put it in the freezer to speed it up, but we'll have to suffice with a frosted glass."

"No- this is perfect." Ayaka attempts a smile under Mika's watchful glance.

" ...Now, what is it you wished to talk to me about? " Mika asks her with renewed interest.

"May I tell you a ... secret..." Ayaka poses as she takes a sip- the champagne she won has a sharply sweet cloying taste. She doesn't know if that is how its supposed to taste, if it makes it good or bad.

"If you'd like. " Mika takes a sip of her own.

"I think… Shuichi Shindou's friend Hiro liked me." Ayaka utters into her glass.

"..." The older woman stares back.

"...That's what you wanted to tell me?" Mika looks miffed .

"Yes. I kept thinking he was so nice to me tonight and the other time we spent together when we went to karaoke. That was... fun." Ayaka says softly.

"So what?" Mika looks away, looking more peeved . "You like karaoke."

"Yes. I know I'm making too much of it. I guess I feel a little bad even thinking about another boy right now, given what happened earlier. But it just... makes me feel better to think that at least … someone out there might like me and he's nice... and he saved me in the park." Ayaka sighs. "Even if I think I don't feel the same way back ,I like him alot ... as a friend. "

"Alot of people like you Ayaka. That shouldn't be shocking to you. As for Hiro, you've made a contact in Tokyo. Be long-distance friends with him if you must." Mika huffs.

"Isn't that unfair to just be friends with Hiro if he does like me?" Ayaka inquires with some strain.

Mika tsks. "No it isn't. Be honest with him. Then its his choice. But there's no need to blow this out of proportion." The older woman gives her a withering look." And I think there are more important matters to consider, don't you. "

"I'm sorry,yes ofcourse, I don't mean to be...scattered...or dismissive...about anything, I...I care about your brother after all..." Ayaka gulps, flushed." And I know you ... you must not think... well of Hiro. "

"Why should what I think affect whether you like this boy or not. Clearly, my approval doesn't matter." Mika says bitterly. "And you don't need my permission to do anything with him either."

"Yes ... your approval does!" Ayaka exclaims, putting a hand over her forehead. "It matters very much to me. And I don't ... think I like him that way. That's why I wanted... to tell you that."

Mika says nothing, but takes another long churlish sip.

"I guess I am thinking about it... because Hiro... did rescue me and... in stories... whenever the boy rescues a .. girl, he always... gets to be with her at the end." Ayaka winces. "The girl ... always ends up falling in love with him, as if it were ... his reward or its meant to happen."

" In stories, that happens yes." Mika dead-pans.

Ayaka can't think of an adequate response to that.

Ayaka then ventures to say. "Can I tell you another secret."

Mika looks even more annoyed and impatient at that statement. "What is it? Does some other boy like you?

Ayaka mumbles. "No. Sorry for telling you something like that. I must sound like... a airheaded teenager ."

Mika says nothing to that, as if in agreement .

Not able to think of a subject, Ayaka says out the first thing that comes to mind. " I've always wished I could wear red lipstick like you do."

"I thought we already addressed this topic." Mika comments.

"Sorry again." Ayaka apologizes, eyes on the floor. "You're the only ...woman I've known personally who ever has worn it. I think its very impressive. "

The older woman scoffs. " You did say you were easily impressed. There 's nothing stopping you Ayaka. And you don't have to whisper. Its not as if anyone is listening to us-"

"No I couldn't wear it." Ayaka interjects." I don't have the right complexion or the right lips… "

"There is such thing as the right lips or the right complexion. It's just the matter of finding what you like on yourself." Mika tells her sternly.

"But red lipstick is too bold for me…I'd draw so much attention to myself. People would stare..." Ayaka swallows.

"And that idea bothers you?"

"Maybe. But… you're not afraid of standing out, are you? " Ayaka says tentatively. "Or of people looking at you?"

"No. Of course not. " Mika stares at her intently. "Not unless I was trying to hide something ."

They are silent for a moment.

"And why shouldn't people look? As long as its on my terms." Mika adds.

"Well... If I were you ... I wouldn't mind people looking either." Ayaka says admiringly "May… I try a little?"

Mika looks perturbed at that request, but she reaches into her purse that she put aside once coming out on the balcony, and gives the tube to her.

It occurs to Ayaka it was a same tube Mika used earlier.

Ayaka tries her best to apply it. She looks at the small compact mirror that Mika hands over to her.

"Oh no!" Ayaka cries horrified at her red-lipped reflection in the compact. "I look like a clown!"

Mika raises a brow. "Oh, so is that what you think I look like?"

"No! No! I don't! On you, it looks perfect , but on me….I just look like a wallflower trying to look sophisticated and failing." Ayaka groans. " I have to wipe this off before anyone sees!"

"Who would see? " Mika lilts.

"You would and I don't want you to see me looking silly." Ayaka shakes her head.

She realizes she must already look silly to Mika. Or worse than that.

"You sound silly but you don't look it. " Mika assesses her ." I think its rather attractive on you."

Ayaka says humbly. "No. Its not. You're just being kind to me again ."

"No I'm not being kind." Mika looks at her resolutely. "And if you knew me, you'd know I'm anything but that."

Ayaka frowns and cocks her head at that statement.

"Yes... well..." Ayaka attempts to give the tube back and the compact. "Uh...Thank you very much for letting me try it. Although I'm not sure it's for me. "

"No. Keep the tube. Keep them both." Mika assents and waves the tube and compact back at her. " That one is yours."

Ayaka shakes her head. "You... don't have to give it to me."

" No. But I'd like you to have it. " Mika tells her. "And just leave the lipstick on for a moment. It takes some getting used to."

"It does. " Ayaka murmurs as she smooths it on her lips as she seen Mika do throughout the night. She puts her new gifts aside,on the flat railing, where her drink is stationed. "At least this one does. I don't wear lipstick often- but this lipstick has a very distinctive taste and texture…"

"Yes, it's the only kind I wear for that reason." Mika tells her.

Ayaka thinks about it. "Its strange. It feels very smooth and silky… but also…you're very aware its there. It tastes like rosebuds… but in a sort of ...sore way. I can't even describe it. It…tingles… and hurts my lips a little."

"Yes." The older woman replies. "Or so I've been told."

Told by who? Ayaka wonders... Her husband?

"Is that why you wear this lipstick ?" Ayaka asks. " Because… it …feels strange?"

Mika sighs. "As you can see, everything I wear is not exactly comfort wear. These high heeled boots. My choker…"

"Well, if your clothes bother you then, you should just take them off!" Ayaka exclaims.

Mika raises a brow. "I beg your pardon?"

Ayaka clamps a hand over her mouth. " Oh. Sorry. That came out wrong. I didn't mean that... like it sounded or to sound impolite. What I meant was… why not change? Why not wear something more comfortable instead Mrs. Seguichi?"

" What did I tell you before? Don't call me that." The older woman leans in closer.

"Sorry…. Mika…"

"And what do you mean to tell me Ayaka?" Mika testily motions down her front. " Do you not like the way I dress ?"

"No! I mean I do. It's very.. stylish but you would look that way in anything , so not wear something that feels nicer ?" Ayaka asks, wide eyed.

" Why do you think I would do that?" Mika says cuttingly.

Ayaka attempts to explain . " I believe it's a matter of taste … what draws people to certain things-"

"Then you mean to say that I'm drawn to things that make me uncomfortable , things that hurt me?" The older woman interupts her .

"No... of course not... I didn't mean say that. " Ayaka says in a tiny voice.

"Then why did you imply it?' Mika demands.

The younger woman pales, feeling a chill and ache rapidly travel all over her body. " No.. I.. didn't mean to imply anything about you."

" Maybe you didn't intend it, but you did. " Mika crosses her arms . "And I had thought you said that you were the type that claimed to be bad at playing games,"

Ayaka falls silent.

She finds herself shaken by Mika's sudden temper. And she is caught with that strange pain again. The one she had when Mika talked about her mother earlier.

Ayaka realizes: she suddenly feels so sorry for Mika . And she doesn't know why.

"I...I am bad at them... Mika. And ... I swear... I'm... I'm not playing any sort of game at all or meaning to be... offensive or ... thoughtless. I'd... I'd... never do that with you , so please... don't think that - " Ayaka begins pleadingly.

" Then what about you Ayaka ? " Mika moistens her lips. " Do you think you're drawn to things that make you uncomfortable? To things that may hurt you?"

Ayaka takes a step back. "… Why... are you asking me these questions?"

"I want to understand more about you. Or are you surprised by that? Doesn't anybody ever ask you what you think Ayaka?" The older woman asks her coolly.

"Yes. I suppose but never so ... directly." The other woman replied nervously. " Not ...so forthrightly."

"Thats how I prefer to be. " Mika glares. "So why not return the favor?"

Ayaka swallows ."Because ...I don't know how to do that."

"Yes you do. You're a bright girl Ayaka. " Mika's unnerving and challenging smile flickers at her. " Heh. When you choose to be. "

"No. I'm not and I don't know why you'd ever think that. " Ayaka gulps, bowing her head . "After tonight I think I've proven to everyone, that I'm... the stupidest girl in the world."

"No. I don't think that at all." Mika says unconvinced. "You may be uncertain of yourself but that doesn't make you unintelligent. "

"Then... what does it make me?" Ayaka looks up .

Mika eyes her knowingly . "Interesting."

The younger woman grimaces. "I don't know if thats a good or bad thing. I don't even know if I should ask you if it is, as I'm afraid of what the answer could be . "

Mika looks even more skeptical. " Afraid? But you weren't too afraid to go see my brother by yourself and boldly state your intentions?"

Ayaka says simply. " In truth, I was very afraid to see Eiri. That's why I acted so peculiarly here."

"Are you afraid often Ayaka?" Mika asks . "Do you normally behave like this ? "

"No. I don't think so... " Ayaka heistates. "When we were at that... club- "

Ayaka wonders if she should tell her what happened between her and the couple. If it matters, or if that incident revealed something about herself.

"What happened there? " Mika inquires. The older woman now looks softer, concerned now. Not as confrontational as moments before.

"Nothing." Ayaka says apologetically, not wanting to worry Mika. " ...Nothing at all... I felt anxious... that's all. But I felt better knowing... you were there. Like you were watching over me,like in that song we heard at the jazz bar. "

Mika then says with that maternal lilt from before. "Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb..."

" What?"

" Its a part of the lyrics of the song you liked . "

Ayaka breathes as if in recognition. "Yes. I felt ... that way ... Lost. And you did find me tonight. But now that I'm ... found by you, I can't look at you. Maybe it's just humility. I rather look at my shoes or something else. The thought of looking in your eyes scares me a little, because they do look at people . And you carry yourself with... a strong presence. You're not skittish like me. "

Mika tells her gently, as if to assure her. "Theres nothing wrong about your presence. I find it companionable."

" I truly ... hope you do. Like I find yours. I mean more than just that, but I can't describe it, what it is. You're different…than anyone I ever met... Mika. You're ...so interesting. I've always been... curious about you. I was always afraid to tell you that. I thought you might think its too much … or that I was strange. But I think I don't... care as much anymore , not after tonight. You were so...patient with me and you made me feel ...attended to and like I and my feelings mattered, even after what happened. You spent more time with me- when you didn't have to. You're … incredible and so ... thoughtful. So I don't want you to look down on me. " Ayaka says worriedly.

" I would never look down on you, not for thinking highly of me." Mika speaks quietly. "So you have my undivided and unconditional attention... if you require it."

"Maybe... I do…" Ayaka stares into the night. " Although I don't want to trouble you. So I thought I should ...in order to further spare you, avoid the question all together."

"I thought your avoiding the question was your answer. " Mika says wisely. "But if I hadn't wanted to know, I wouldn't have bothered asking you. "

They stand there, remaining in place.

"Although , if you wish to reply, a honest answer is preferred." Mika adds softly.

When she looks back at Mika, Mika looks back at her pointedly as if to encourage to speak.

" To be... honest...about your question, I admit..." Ayaka swallows, peering shyly into Mika's eyes through her lashes. " I did feel… pressure on myself to be drawn... into where I am now. My father and mother want me to get married, and I am their only daughter . Ever since I was a child,as long as I can remember they've been talking about... my big day, my wedding. The most important and happiest day of my life. How the whole family looks forward to it. I can even remember admiring our Noritake hina dolls, and wanting to be like the empress and emperor couple ... how beautiful and refined they looked. And I remember dressing up in a bridal costume as a child and playing with my husband and wife play dolls and baby dolls they got me as a little girl."

Ayaka smiles sadly. "My mother even has a dress chosen for me, which was her dress. She's so happy that it fits, even though I'm a little taller than her. It is really beautiful and meaningful too... And mother knows which season the wedding should be held in... when all the cherry blossoms are out."

The girl continues. "My family ofcourse want me to marry someone… impressive, someone everyone admires and can be proud of me for getting. And my friends do too... because they all want to be happy for me. All my friends talk about is the handsome boys they love and about getting married and how much they look forward to it - and how lucky I am to... possibly get Eiri as they all have crushes on him and are jealous of me for having been engaged to him. They read his books too and think he's so beautiful and accomplished- like he is. Like I do too. I don't wish to disappoint them or myself. But maybe too, I also ...wished for an escape."

Mika asks. "Escape from what?"

"..." Ayaka bites her lip. She wonders if she will get lipstick all over her teeth because of it. Then again, it doesn't matter.

"I shouldn't even tell you this... but I feel like I have to say the truth before you... and I don't know how it will sound...but sometimes I find it … stifling where I am . I feel this pressure to be this… polite perfect girl and even though I try my hardest, I'm not that way all the time obviously. I guess it's been building up inside me for a long time. This... frustration. This ... fear. Sometimes I even ...get ...angry... at myself. That I can never ... live up to their or my own expectations. So I wanted to just... get away from it all or ... end this pressure and finally go ahead and fulfill my purpose. I know it was wrong and irresponsible. Usually people only run away from home when ... things at home are bad or intolerable. But they aren't. Not at all. My parents love me... and treat me very well... and provide me everything a girl could ever want or ask for... but they are very overprotective of me. To the point I've never been allowed to go out on my own even. I've always had a chaperone or my friends….or one of them, watching me or telling me where to go, or telling me how I should behave. Which makes sense, I am the youngest and the only girl, so they are especially careful and mindful and possessive about me. But oddly enough- being surrounded by people... and so protected , one starts to feel alone... and excluded a bit and... useless, and acted upon and I guess... you're just meant to be there , be nice and sweet-tempered and unintrusive and cute looking like a ... family's mascot ... it sounds so childish and like a fairy tale, but you start to feel... like... like a princess locked in a tower. Infact as a joke, because of my long hair , people would call me the temple hotel's Rapunzel . But my family is... proud that I have such hair that they find it the most beautiful thing about me and they always dictated I grow it long. Infact they don't even like to see me ever tie it up, even when its hot... just like how they like to see me in more... bright, cheery colors and modest and covered clothing as I appear... prettier and more acceptable to them that way." Ayaka smiles weakly.

Mika stares at her solemnly.

Ayaka continues, aquiver. " So my one private outlet... and freedom for myself...as absurd as it sounds, was... always reading romance books like Eiri's, or dreaming about my future someday. As my family don't intend me to leave home until I get married into another household. But sometimes it feels like too much. Being... at the family house, being monitored all the time, never... getting a moment to myself or being able to make a decision about what I want - but in truth, I don't know how... to handle those things or make a decision for myself, because I've never been allowed to do that. I'm reliant on them... for everything. Also I find being ...or doing things by myself very scary - So I … wanted to…break free… and run away,and feel like I was doing something as an grown up, outside the umbrella of my family, by going into another... household. And I thought because it fit into what my parents wanted eventually… so maybe they wouldn't be so mad at me for doing it. Isn't that stupid?"

Mika seems to consider it. "...No. Its not. "

"... I also wanted to feel like a… main character instead of a minor one, whos always waiting for someone , something... to happen to me... waiting for everything to change for herself, waiting for my life to start. Do you know how that feels?" Ayaka whispers.

"I might." Mika says.

"And now… I sort of did that, in a way. I had... many big moments during my time in Tokyo. Tonight I could feel important… and that something exciting happened …and it did, but not in a good way, not at all in the way I expected. You asked me earlier if I'm drawn to things that hurt me. Now that I think about it, I… thought I loved your brother which I found out... was hurtful to me, As presently I realize … deep down, I only knew Eiri from his romance books and from his photographs , but I … knew nothing about him as a real person." Ayaka's face contorts into a trembling expression. " I liked my own idea of him- so much so, I fell in love with that. So if I did … love him, it was more in a… imaginary way, like he were a character in his books, and if that were so, I could be one of his special beautiful romantic heroines. I wanted to believe that... love was possible and destined for me, wanted to believe I was worthy of being loved in that way, so much that I confused it with reality. I wanted it to have it happen at any price- even to my own safety or to the trouble of everyone else. Now I know that love was not a part of the real world. It was a love that only existed in my mind. Like a dream . But for a long time, it felt so ...real. And tomorrow I must wake up from it. So I know… its about… leaving that dream I held onto for so long that is breaking my heart. Not neccesarily about Eiri himself. I know this wasn't his fault and I hope I haven't... disturbed him too much. And ofcourse there's the embarassment of being so out-rightly rejected and everyone finding out about that too. And even if I don't say anything, there will be so many rumors about what happened...And tomorrow I will have to go back to my old life and to my family and do whatever they say… I know they will be so disappointed and angry at me. They'll probably never forgive me or let me out of their sight again…for good reason, but I have to face the consequences of what I've done, and try to be brave. Or at least pretend to be."

Ayaka further confesses, her voice tremulous. " I can't help but think by what I've done, I'll never again feel happy or that things will never be the same because of it... that I've...spoiled everything forever and my future. I don't know why I'm saying this . To you especially. You must dislike me most of all and I would understand that completely. This is just more of my stupidity. I should have never left Kyoto.I shouldn't be here tonight, wasting your valuable time and hospitality and saying these... nonsensical things to you. And even more foolishly, I don't want to go. I don't want to leave. I still so much want to be part of your family too, in some way. However I can be. And as strange as it is to admit… I'm glad we spent time together tonight, even under these ... sad and unexpected circumstances, because if not, you and I would have never.. gotten to know each other as we do now , even though it does…hurt me."

"Why does it hurt you." Mika says, her stare overpowering in its grasp of her.

The directness of question and Mika's stare makes Ayaka feel more shrunken, couched and cornered. But there is a easement and relief in being cornered as well. The promise of alleviation. Or the requirement of complete and utter candor which she may never get again.

"Because it reminds me of all my… mistakes... and my flaws and failings." Ayaka's eyes fills with tears . Her shoulders heave and she gasps helplessly. "How I'll never... ever be good enough."

"How are you not good enough? What mistakes have you made. What flaws? What failings do you have?" Mika asks her with a gentle and deep intonation.

"Just look at me- " Ayaka whispers, tears lingering on her eyelashes . "Can't... you see them all?"

The younger woman's head buckles forward with a choked silent sob.

After, Mika takes a long ruminative sip of champagne, then puts the glass down, next to Ayaka's , on the banister.

"No." Mika commands softly. " Look at me Ayaka."

Hesitant and trembling , Ayaka raises her head.

"I can't see any from where I'm standing ." Mika says with certainty. " At this moment, I can't think of or see anyone more perfect and special than you. All you have to do is your best, that should be more than good enough for anyone and for yourself too. You're right. I do see you. Or rather you cannot hide yourself from me. And from what I can see of you, you're a very brave and remarkable young woman, destined for great things. You needn't pretend you aren't gifted , that you aren't wonderful and a delight to be around, that you aren't desired and appreciated. You've certainly been such a breath of fresh air to me tonight and illuminated everywhere we went . And while you may try and conceal yourself beneath this clueless shrinking violet act, you don't fool me for a moment. I don't underestimate you even a little . You have a focus and a passion that once noticed, I think would astound us all and everyone can't help but percieve your gifts, intelligence,your smile , your sensitivity, your beauty and adorable charm, your many talents, and most of all, and the most rare trait that one can possess- your genuine goodness and how profoundly it affects the people around you. You do affect people Ayaka in a very powerful way. You will find you do have the capacity to act and do what is right too, at the right time, when you're ready to do so, but you don't need to pressure or hurry yourself, being the thoughtful young lady you are. Appreciate this moment, and learn as it comes, because innocence too has its own wisdom and I see that in you. And already, you are a good person, with a kind , generous and caring heart and the best sort of interesting there is. I find it impossible that you can't perceive that, but if you cannot, I will serve as your eyes and hold that radiant and true vision of you for you. And I know as sure as we stand here right now, you have a marvellous life ahead of you and you won't disappoint me or any of us. Although I can see too you have some growing up to do yet, but I cannot wait to see who you become, what incredible things you will accomplish. There's no need to be fearful, afraid or disheartened about what lies ahead. This is just a minor setback darling and we all face setbacks from time to time, but you don't worry about this, as I said I will do whatever I can to take care of it, and help you make your dreams a reality. We all will. We all care for you very much Ayaka and you're treasured, so precious and important to us all. No one dislikes you or blames you at all for what happened here - it simply isn't like that. You misunderstand the situation. This has only made us more aware how important you are, how we can better help you and give you what you need . Nothing is unfixable and nothing has been spoilt. This is just the opening of a new chapter for you, and the beginning of the dream, not the end of it. This is how it begins. So I know you will only make us all proud and that life has so much more positive surprises and happinesses in store for you. Just you wait and see. It may all seem... difficult and confusing for a while, and things will change- as they always do, but only for the better, including how you feel about yourself right now. And you'll find everything has happened for a reason and everything will fall into place for you. I can promise you that."

For a moment, Ayaka cannot speak.

"...What you said... was the most... wonderful thing, anyone has ever said to me. " Ayaka finally whispers.

As a tear begin to trickle down Ayaka's cheek, Mika raises her hand and lightly wipes it away with her finger tip.

"Now now my dear." Mika chides her, smiling with mock sterness. "What did I say about not crying?"

"Yes. S-Sorry. Oh my goodness. Its not... in a bad way. Its just what... what you said moved me so much..." Ayaka wipes her own tears away with the back of her hand .

"Good... I don't wish to upset you. I couldn't bear the sight of it." Mika near croons down at her.

"You mean no one could. I look awful when I cry-" Ayaka smiles and sniffs . "Thank you... for listening to me and letting me take up your time . I feel... a thousand times better, like a ... enormous weight has been lifted off me."

" No, thank you Ayaka. As I said, I wish to make things easier for you and I can if you let me. As far as I'm concerned... this night is all about you. In fact I want you to have something of mine... a keepsake of me... as you were so ... perfect tonight. " Mika's voice becomes silkier, and her tranquil stare is half-cast in the shadows . "I want you to have... my confidence. From now on, I want to be your refuge. Your... new outlet. Your release . But in return, I want you to be mine as well. Just as I discussed earlier. Could I do that? Could I ... let down my guard with you ?"

"Yes ofcourse. I... want us to be close." Ayaka's smile is still tearful. " As close as possible."

"Then we share that desire, don't we." Mika steps forward and delicately takes her wrist. She slowly raises her hand with the sequined bowtie still tie around it. " I wanted to ask, what is this ? Another present from one of your many admirers? "

" Many admirers?" Ayaka's pulse quickens at Mika's forwardness. "Oh no, you're embarrassing me again... Someone in the club tied it on my wrist... because I wasn't wearing any gold, they even... called me a spoil sport because of that " .

"They did? That seems very unfair...I don't think it suits you. " Mika appears amused by that statement.

"I don't think it does either." Ayaka smiles sheepishly. " Its a bit... gaudy , right?"

" Then lets get rid of it, shall we?" Mika toys with the bowtie on her wrist.

Ayaka watches as Mika undoes the golden ribbon on its back little by little, then tosses it aside off the balcony.

They both watch it flutter away.

"There." Mika murmurs down at her. "Is that better?"

"I ...guess so." Ayaka raises her bare wrist. " My skin can breathe a little more."

"I should think so. As I... just untied you, I think whatever we do- should be mutual. As they say: Reciprocity is the basis of all relationships." Mika smile flickers at her mysteriously again.

"I thought the basis was... trust." Ayaka says, her breath shallow.

"That too. Although that is not easily earned is it- but once its established, anything is possible. " Mika then stares at the younger woman's hands.

They are standing very close. And Ayaka wonders, why that is.

" ...You have very dexterous looking fingers Ayaka." Mika comments after what feels like a significant silence.

"Uh. Thank you." Ayaka wrings her hands together self-consciously .

Mika continues her sustained study of her hands, then looks at her expectantly.

Not knowing else what to say or what Mika is expecting , Ayaka adds awkwardly, still sniffing from her earlier breakdown. "I...I'm told... I have good hands for... needlework. I... sew sometimes- my mother taught me when I was little- so... I'm used to handling ...delicate things."

Then she kicks herself- knowing, it insensitive to bring up about the subject of her mother, when Mika's mother had passed.

Mika seems unaffected.

"You know ... my mother tried to teach me to sew too." The older woman smiled aside as if in remembrance. "I was so hopeless at it. Seeing that I couldn't do it by hand, she even got me a child's sewing machine. I broke it twice in one hour. Afterwards, she rightfully gave up."

"Well, if you want to learn, you don't need to worry. Maybe I could teach you." Ayaka interjects. " Its so simple- I mean literally anyone, even the dumbest person can do it-"

To that, Mika chuckles.

"...Sorry ." Ayaka places a hand over her mouth. " Did that sound... insulting?"

"No. Once again it was charming. I was going to ask you though, could I trust you to undo my choker?" Mika motions to it on her neck." Its been bothering me all night."

"Yes, ofcourse... I could do that for you. It must be hard to see the clasp or reach it, as its behind you." Ayaka says and tries not to sound over-eager.

Ayaka finds, like a little ecstatic leap inwards in her being like a flickering of an flame, she feels enlivened by the new informality of their interaction and how close Mika and her are becoming . What a privilege it is, Ayaka thought, being able to touch someone in these little ways and someone normally so removed, cold and easily offended like Mika Seguichi.(It was like when Ayaka was a little girl, having no sisters, she had loved when her other girl friends would touch, stroke , play with and braid her hair and she'd do the same with them. Now being older, they did not do things like that anymore.) At the same time, she cannot help but feel this exchange is too rare and fortuitous , therefore unreal. Like she might wake up in her bed at any moment, everything that has happened as of late turning out to her all to be a result of her usual fantasizing .

Ayaka carefully goes to stand behind Mika. She very gently lifts Mika's hair to reveal the older woman's long neck and nape and sweeps it side. With a nimble movement, she undoes the choker's lobster claw clasp.

" There." Ayaka removes the choker gingerly. " I imagine you can breathe better now too."

Mika raises her fingertips to dab at the red marks on her neck. "Yes, I feel better already."

"You look better without it ." Ayaka covers her mouth. " Oops."

"Heh. You're just full of opinions now aren't you. Or maybe you're finally letting them show." Mika's smile starts to look even more fond and admiring of her.

Ayaka's heart is pounding for no reason. "No I mean... that your choker left a mark on your neck. It must have been irritating or was chafing your skin- it looked... rather painful."

"Perhaps. Then why don't you get rid of that for me " Mika instructs her huskily. "Why don't you end my suffering ."

"How could I do that?" Ayaka stares at Mika's choker in her hand.

Mika tells her, looking her up and down. "However you'd like."

With a abrupt and flippant gesture, in imitation of Mika's act earlier, Ayaka throws her choker off the balcony .

Mika only blinks at that. Then she smiles.

"I'm sorry." Ayaka winces. " I hope that doesn't... hit anyone, or that the necklace wasn't... too expensive, but I think you'd be too polite to tell me if it was, as I already went ahead and did it. "

Mika's glances aside, and chuckles. "I doubt it will injure anyone else. And it cost less than what it was worth seeing that."

Ayaka smiles again too, albeit a little nervously.

"Now that I've been... untied a bit- "The older woman's eyes veer towards her, half-lidded. "May I now tell you a secret of my own."

Ayaka nods. "Yes. You can." She thinks and says. " Please."

Mika pauses as if thinking how to phrase it.

" Sometimes... believe it or not... I tire of... waiting too Ayaka." Mika leans against the banister, her dark gaze fixed and glowing upon her again. " I would often wonder what I was even waiting for. Then you, like a miracle, arrived . And I wondered ... if this were meant to happen all along. If you came here ...and were destined to keep me company this evening."

"Really? Thats a good way to look at it. I ... mean I do like that thought. It sounds so nice, and it kind of... appeals to my romantic nature." Ayaka replies thoughtfully.

"Romantic nature? Is that so? I'm glad your nature is... oriented that way." Mika says with a raised brow .

Ayaka says, a little bashful again. "I'm afraid it is... but I suppose you could tell that about me already?"

"... Yes... I could actually. " Mika's brow only raises higher, her lips parting. "And I'm relieved you feel... comfortable enough to share it with me."

" I do. And I... I would share anything with you, if you ... just ask." Ayaka blushes. "I mean... if you'd... indulge me that way."

" I'd very much like to indulge you. If thats so then... I was thinking- if you don't wish to be... sisters, or feel uncertain about that... we could be ...ah... .girlfriends . " Mika drawls decadently, tapping her nails on the banister. "Or more intimate friends...and ... could be there for each other for whenever we need ...some... female companionship, if you understand my meaning. What do you think of that proposal Ayaka? "

Ayaka blinks several times. "...Oh...um. Okay sure."

"Are you sure ?" Mika asks her with greater emphasis this time.

"Uh. Yes. Ofcourse. I'm... very fine with it. With any proposal you ... make and whatever... you'd like... Mika... If you would like that. " Ayaka nods agreeably.

" Heh. If I would like that. I would very much. You have no idea how much, and how considerate you are. Perhaps I can show you... how much I appreciate that and your ... sudden directness. " Mika says with a half-cocked smile.

"How is that direct?" Ayaka gapes. "I thought that was the ...whole point of the conversation and the purpose of the evening - wasn't it? So we could... be with each other and get to know each other better."

Mika looks away, her smile broadening considerably. " Heh. You know ...you've ... really surprised me tonight Ayaka."

"You mean ... other than showing up uninvited?" Ayaka says sheepishly.

"No. With what you... revealed about yourself over the evening, and what a pleasant and wonderful surprise you are." Mika says suavely and looks her up and down. "I think you should come uninvited more often. "

"Oh don't say that to me. I won't want to go. " Ayaka pleads and clasps her hands together. "I'll ... I'll want to stay... and bask in your glow and just follow you around as your ... your retainer, like your lady in waiting, if you'd be kind enough to let me. "

"My retainer waiting on me? I beg to differ, I think I was more of your personal chauffeur tonight. " Mika grins wryly.

They both laugh at that.

"Or... my fashion consultant." Ayaka says self-depreciatingly. "I do need all the help I can get there."

" What nonsense. And there wasn't anything wrong with what you were wearing before." Mika's teasing smile encroaches on her lovely features little by little. " To be truthful, I just wanted to see how you might look in something... green."

"Really? You did? And.. how do I look." Ayaka asks, in a strange mingling of shame and pleasure. If another girl has 'put down her clothes' like Mika had by insisting she change, Ayaka would have been upset or angry at her or feel hurt. But Mika doing it- she doesn't mind. Looking up so much to Mika, she would happily... let Mika dress her, like her dress-up doll if it'd please her. She looks up to Mika so much, Ayaka doesn't even mind Mika laughing at her. (Usually even though Ayaka knows as a 19 year old girl, she's often not taken seriously by anyone , she secretly dreads and loathes being diminished and laughed at.) " Honestly."

"You look... dazzling. "Mika sighs down at her, a glint of brilliantly white teeth gleaming by her crimson lips, as it morphs luxuriantly into a somewhat predatory smirk."But would you like me to tell you another secret ?"

"Yes certainly." Ayaka says.

Mika deadpans. "These shoes are killing me."

Ayaka helplessly bursts out laughing. "I don't think that was a secret! I thought about that the whole night, how could you stand to even walk around in those things?! "

" I ask myself the same thing- everyday. One pays a high price to be stylish. But as sleek as they look, these damned things are murder . Its taken everything I've had not to collaspe and lie down on the street! " Mika moans. Laughing herself as if realizing its own absurdity, she leans against the railing.

"Then... you don't have to wear them anymore- if you don't want to, before me-" Ayaka starts.

"You grant me permission to avail myself of them?" Mika chuckles.

Ayaka nods, smiling. "Yes... I do..."

"Then, as my honored guest, I suppose I should oblidge you. " Mika bends down to pull at her shining boots and to unzip them.

"Oh my goodness you're taking them off now?!" The younger woman cries.

"Honestly, how I put them on at all is the real question- pardon me, but I can't bear wearing them for a moment longer-" Mika begins to laugh at herself and curtesies with brilliant self- mockery. "Bear with this laspe of feminine decorum - this may look a bit- inelegant- but it will only take a moment- so do go ahead, stand at a appropriate distance and enjoy the scenic view momentarily - "

They both laugh as Mika warbles and hops on one leg trying to remove her boots, during which Mika nearly falls down which provokes them both laugh harder.

"Its hard to keep your balance while you doing that - and not a good thing to do on a balcony! Let me help - I'll give you my arm." Ayaka steps forward and grabs Mika by the forearm.

Instead Mika actually slips and falls on her behind, taking Ayaka down to the floor of the balcony with her.

"Oh my goodness!" Ayaka yelps as she lands on top of Mika, sliding partially over her lap.

They stare at eachother dazed- and collapse into laughing again.

"Those shoes are... dangerous!" Ayaka giggles uncontrollably as she extricates herself from their accidental entanglement to sit besides Mika on the balcony floor.

"Oh to hell with it. I need to do take these off sitting down- I don't think I should throw these boots off the balcony too, as they might kill somebody!" Mika tosses her head back snickering, throwing a hand over her eyes. She unzips her shoes from the side, and peels and kicks them aside with a sigh, her laughter ending.

Ayaka then glances down at Mika's long bare feet.

She sees Mika's toenails are painted shocking red and are chipped. (Even though no one will see them).

Whats more shocking is how her feet have been cramped by her boots. Her toes had quashed from the narrow toe, the joints of them have been scraped and contused purple, and the sides of her feet were distorted, raw, red and trembling, the seams of her boots having cut into various parts of her feet for hours , whereas the other areas of her feet look bloodless, swollen and pale as bone from cut-off circulation, or they could be callouses . Other parts look inflamed, as if they might bleed.

Actually, Ayaka can see Mika's feet are bleeding- the back of them, the skin of her heels are rubbed pink, dotted with red bloody blurs like withering cherry blossoms.

Ayaka stops laughing and stares at Mika as if in aghast disbelief.

The exuberance of this moment had been damped by the knowledge that all the moments that night preceding this one, Mika had spent in some form of pain or acute discomfort. That the sigh Mika just made was that of someone in pain, sighing both in its reprieve which involves it's exposure.

And its another glimpse of Mika's hidden delicacy. A sight that makes her feel immediately closer still, towards Mika.

The older woman seems disturbed , embarassed by the sight of her battered feet. She seems to tuck them more into herself and her lips curve down slightly.

Ayaka realizes too, her hand is still gripped on Mika's arm.

"...Mika?" Ayaka whispers.

"What is it?" Mika then asks somewhat dampened and strained with anxiety. "...Did you get injured in the fall just now?"

"No. Its not that... I've... just never seen you... like this." Ayaka says quietly at her.

"Like what. " Mika sighs, still gazing at her abused feet. "Partially disheveled? Flat on my behind? I should hope not."

"No." Ayaka murmurs, and thinks twice, not wanting to embarrass Mika. " I mean...laughing, joking, smiling . Relaxed like... this."

Mika smiles at her, as if in relief for the change in subject. "Why shouldn't I be relaxed? I just spend a very enjoyable evening with the most beautiful girl from Kyoto "

"No. You're ... just exaggerating now. " Ayaka smiles downward, and waves a dimissive hand. "I'm... really... not that beautiful. There are other girls from there who aren't so bad..."

"Not that beautiful! Aren't so bad?" Mika chuckles, surprised .

"No no, I'm being... sarcastic. " Ayaka giggles abashedly.

"You sarcastic? Are you capable of such a naughty thing?" Mika teases."A sweet girly girl like you?"

"A girly girl!" Ayaka shakes her head repeatedly and manages another giggle. " I'm not that girly- but if that thought relaxes you..."

"It does. And would you prefer me some other way?" Mika clicks her tongue faetiously. " Maybe more stern and uptight?" Her tone becomes more ironic . "Or perhaps... did you find me too dictatorial and... bossy before? "

" No, I don't mean you're... bossy, I just think you're... queenly. No matter how you are, you're yourself... and you're the most beautiful girl in Tokyo, and ... I had such a ...magical night with you... You're like the whole city at night. " Ayaka admits in a small breathy voice. "Or the bubbles in my champagne glass."

"Now who's kidding. You know- we're past this now, you don't need to be so appeasing and polite anymore Ayaka." Mika smiles secretively at her. " Like I said... you can relax, and just be yourself. Afterall, this more... permissive ...private atmosphere will just remain between us two girls, yes?"

"I hope so. Yes it... better or else... or else-" Ayaka falls into her hands .

"Or ...else what ?" Mika smiles at her more indulgently.

"I... don't know. We'll... really be in trouble. " Ayaka laughs hopelessly again.

After that, Ayaka can't stop giggling, without knowing why. Its like a sudden enervating hum besetting her entire body, making her legs twist before her, and her head loll in her hands like a flood of cruel sweetness through a charming needle pricked down her spine, a rushing of keen delirious blood swirling about her brain . Everything that has happened to her- immutable as it is, now seems distant, preposterous, almost dastardly and unbearably funny and because of that , Ayaka feels everything will be alright after all. She, for all of it, ended up sitting safely on a balcony with Mika Seguichi- who is now possibly her new best friend and confidant (a woman she never thought that could be possible), as her fiancée was in love with some pop-singing man, and Mika said; it was meant to be this way. Yes, Ayaka thought, laughing to herself in wonderment and peeking up to look at the stars, this is not what she expected, but how it is was, and meant to be. Perhaps accessing this kind of epic impotent yet wise feeling, this fortunate nearly ecstatic sense of resignation was 'growing up ' after all? Or was it's antithesis ? But whatever it was, it might not continue. Ayaka could see herself sequestered in this marvelous, odd and delicate state of happiness, like she's being propped in some precarious balance, like the little en-pointe ceramic ballerina that twirls lost in her own pink glassy and flowery world and to her own lonely poignant tune when one turns her wind up key- like the one she had in her girlhood jewelry music box (that still sat on her shelf) . Ayaka had loved that little ballerina in her music box as a child, sometimes stroking it with a finger as it span , feeling she and her contained dance was her comfort , her secret. She felt like that ballerina now. But who is turning the key of herself ? She can only imagine Mika's hand, turning it with emphatic slowness and deliberatingly so not to break or overwind her, Mika gazing down at Ayaka benevolently and tenderly, watching her spin for her in her outspread palm. Then again , this could be another fantasy. As its also possible, the emotional tumult of the last 48 hours has finally caused Ayaka to lose her mind.

But , she thinks, what a small loss.

And that inward joke at her own expense causes Ayaka to lose it even more. The younger woman starts to sputter, snort, guffaw, laughing so hard , tears welling and oozing to her eyes , until the muscles in her face are sore and cramped from smiling, like the seizing muscles in her abdomen and her body wobbles, jitters and caves in on itself, a hand flying over and pressing instinctively over her mouth and face (she was taught it was not too lady-like to laugh wildly without concealing it to some degree, now its second nature to her) , as this infusion of levity and near senseless glee subsumes her. It feels so good to laugh, so good to laugh in front of Mika, instead of crying. She doesn't want to stop.

" What's all that laughing about? Or maybe you drank too many bubbles hm? " Mika watches Ayaka laugh with confused but kindly amusement.

" No- its not that! I don't know- not at all...I think,,, I felt... this way all night in a way. That I can be... myself around you. And just being around you makes me feel.. giddy. " Ayaka assures the older woman, and dabs at her eyes. "Especially when you're like this... And everyone else... thinks you're ... stunning too. Everyone admires you so..."

Mika's smile fades.

"Now, now. Not everyone. In fact . Someone just recently... told me I have lips like blood." The older woman says deeply.

Mika eyes her as if to test and examine her reaction.

Ayaka laughter and smile dissipates into a uncertain expression.

She doesn't know what to say to that.

"...What? Lips like... blood...? I ...don't know what that means... Should... I?" Ayaka says heistantly.

Mika stares back at her, eyes flickering up and down her face.

"No. You don't have to." Mika's voice lowers.

The older woman leans in, closer and closer, her face drawing nearer and nearer.

Meanwhile, Mika's closest leg tilts and moves, to make contact, skittering ever so gently, nearly imperceptibly to graze Ayaka's thigh, leg and knee.

Ayaka stops in her tracks, mouth slowly opening, eyes wide.

She finds herself staring at Mika's claret lips. Trying to understand what Mika just said.

Their noses are near touching.

She is blank, frozen, when Mika cups and clasps her chin with her other hand, between her long fingers.

"You don't have to know anything. "Mika whispers ardently,

She is totally unprepared when the older woman's lips falls upon hers.