Chapter 8

Ok, whoever said snow was a "winter wonderland" was damn delusional! It was a pain in the butt, and toes, and fingers, and ears and nose and… well, hell, it made everything hurt from the cold! Mia's day had not started off well, and she was still grumbling and grousing in her mind.

After an entire night of sleep, with no Suzaku sightings, she was still tired, and her stomach hurt. Now why her stomach should act up after so long, she couldn't fathom. All she knew was that breakfast had smelled wonderful, but the few bites she had eaten did not sit well with her. In fact, they felt like they were going to come back to haunt her.

For half a second, an old hope thrilled her mind as she thought, "pregnant?" But then the practical side took over the analysis. It wasn't possible. After Hikari was born, they had suffered through three miscarriages. The doctors had become worried when life threatening complications set in during the last pregnancy. Tamahome had insisted that he was happy with the size of their family, and he did not want to risk her life to try again. So it was decided that he would have a vasectomy to prevent any future chance of pregnancy. Still, the reminder of what could have been, and what had been hurt almost more than changing her own past.

So, her mind had soared with excitement for just a moment, to have reality crash down on her again the next. That and the stomach ache put her in a foul mood. All her friends gave her a wide berth and even deserted the tent so she could get dressed and gather her things.

Knowing that it was going to grow colder as they traveled further north, she pulled out all the warm clothes that she had in her duffle bag. By the time she was done stomping and dressing, she had 4 pairs of socks on; a pair of sweat pants under two pairs of regular pants under her army issue outfit; a silk camisole under two t-shirts, one long sleeve knit shirt, two turtlenecks and a sweater under her uniform. If her mood weren't so black she might have laughed at her size when she was ready to go. She looked a little bigger than her previous appearance of a 12 year old boy. Now she looked to be about 14.

But did it help keep her warm? Nooooo. Of course not! All it did was make mounting that giant of a horse even harder. Heck, she could barely bend her legs! Once she was up on Tank, and the column started moving, the icy wind ripped at her face and ears. She pulled the huge scarf like thing off her neck and tied it around the helmet and flaps to keep the flaps pulled tight against her neck. When she was done, only her eyes were visible under the heavy helmet.

As the morning drew on, and the snow stopped falling, Chichiri tried to cheer Mia. All she did was snap at him or remain silent. In his mind, Chichiri said a tiny prayer that maybe Suzaku truly would come visit them, because the beast god had calmed her the last time. If this kept up, the soldiers just might leave them behind.

A lunch stop was called after the pale sun had passed the zenith of the sky. Again, the men gave Mia a wide berth making their own assumptions as to the cause of her attitude. Most of the men were married, and had experience with temperamental wives. The older men had often counseled their younger, newly married comrades on how to handle their new bride's monthly upset. The key to survival was to not mention it and simply allow the woman to be upset. Many a manhood had been jeopardized when the groom made a reference to the underlying cause of that upset or tried to convince the woman that she really didn't need to be angry. One man even came back the next day with part of his earlobe missing. The poor fellow never admitted exactly how he came to be missing that piece of flesh, but several soldiers had their suspicions.

So, it was no surprise to find Mia sitting alone on the outskirts of the camp with a half eaten bowl of food in her hand. Chichiri bravely walked up to the sulking figure feeling like he was entering a cage with a hungry lion. Many of the soldiers gave him consoling looks. Still, she was his friend, and it was his job as her warrior to protect her, even if from something as intangible as a bad mood.

Mia had been plagued all morning by recurring memories of her joyous life, before the abrupt end. Truthfully, she had not mourned the deaths of her family. She had simply been moving on autopilot until she came up with this hair brained plot to change everything. Every happy memory seemed to call up an equally painful feeling of loss and devastation. How did people survive this? She had thought it had been awful to lose her warriors, but this was ten times worse.

She barely registered that Chichiri had settled next to her right on the brushed off rotten log that she was using as a bench. With a long sigh, she turned to look at her blue haired friend. He would understand, if anyone did. He had survived the loss of his fiancé and best friend, somehow.

Chichiri's voice was concerned, but still cheerful, "How are you doing? I wish you would tell me what is bothering you. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside." He removed his perky mask and looked at her in earnest with his good eye.

She placed the bowl down on the side of the log and swiveled to face him. It registered that he wasn't saying "you know" after every phrase which indicated his seriousness. With her gloveless right hand, she reached out and gently traced the wicked silver scar that ran from his eyebrow down over his eye, cheek and nose. In a whispered voice she asked, "How do you get through this?" She knew it was an invasion of his personal space, but touching the physical manifestation of his loss made her feel more connected.

She slid her hand back into her own lap, and stared at the ground in front of her. "I know I've been awful today. I'm sorry. I should apologize to everyone. You've all been so kind." She sighed again. "It's just that it really hit me this morning. My Tama and my daughter are gone, dead." Her voice hitched only for a moment. "Even if I met the Tamahome from this time, he's not the same. He won't have the memories of our adventures. He won't know of our trials to get together in my world. He won't remember how we met, fell in love, and struggled through high school and college. This Tamahome didn't work three jobs to make ends meet and save money for our wedding. There are no memories in him of being Taka before his memories were restored. He wasn't there during all the moments in Hikari's birth and life. That was my Tama. And he's gone." Chichiri simply listened in his best monk's pose so he could help her get out these painful emotions.

She looked up at the dark Mt Koko looming ever larger in the imposing mountain range and continued. "And it doesn't help that we are approaching the site of my first experience of losing a friend. I never wanted to look at that evil mountain again. I lost so much that day, even if we gained the Shinzaho. It was like someone had pulled out my insides and replaced me with someone else. Like all my joy had been burned away. I was never really the same, carefree child after that day."

She finally looked back up in her friend's somber face and recognized compassion and empathy, "No matter how I try to rationalize it, it doesn't help. I can tell myself that there was some deeper meaning behind all this. That they aren't really dead. That I'll be reunited with them. But nothing makes the pain go away. I thought if I could be angry that it would lessen the sadness, but it didn't. It just made me feel like an idiot."

Tears that should have flowed weeks ago, maybe even a month ago, began flooding down her pink, wind chapped cheeks. "I feel like I'm being punished for something. Is it something I did, or should have done when I was pulled into the book back then? Am I being punished because we found a way to be together? What did I do? How can I fix this so they'll still live and be happy?" Her voice cracked completely this time, "I miss them so much." And she buried her face in her gloved hands and hunched over into a little ball as she cried. "Their memories have haunted me all day. I can't keep my mind from thinking about them. Why? Why can't I not think about it?"

Chichiri let her cry a bit more before he slid his arm around her shoulders and offered her whatever comfort she needed from him. He truly did know how she felt. He had carried his own burden of guilt for surviving his fiancé and friend. How many nights had he wondered what he could have done differently. In the end, it didn't matter, it just was. "It's okay to be sad. It's natural. I know it feels like it will never pass, but the pain does lessen, a bit, over time."

She turned into him a bit and he wrapped his other arm around her also. "You need to remember and to feel the pain. It's what reminds you that they existed, that they were real and loved. If you don't remember, then who will? As long as someone remembers, then they aren't truly gone."

He looked up into the county side surrounding them. "You didn't do anything wrong except putting off your grief. You need to talk about them, celebrate the lives you had together. Cherish the wonderful times that you shared." He felt her sobs cease as she thought about this.

She wondered aloud, "How did you get so wise?" He looked down and couldn't see her face to know if she were teasing him or not. He simply responded, "Surviving life's hardships. It either destroys you or you gain some wisdom on how the world works."

Her voice was small and muffled, "Would you want to hear about them? You wouldn't think I was a weak minded female for talking non-stop about my precious child and wonderful husband?" She had heard her brother and friends complain about women who had children. It seemed that otherwise intelligent, interesting women lost the ability to speak about any subject other than their "amazing" kids. It always seemed to her that the men just didn't care to hear about the little incredible milestones that marked the phenomenal growth of a child from a single cell of almost nothing, to an adult. How could one not be amazed at the transformation?

Chichiri laughed quietly, "No, I wouldn't think that about you. I actually love children and wanted my own someday. Besides, how could I think that a woman who stood up to Taiitsukun and Nakago was weak minded? I'd have to be an idiot to think that."

Mia sniffed a bit and raised her tear streaked face to look in wonder at her warrior. A timid smile graced her chapped lips as she thought about this. He added, "Also, from watching how you defeated Yamane, you would probably kick my butt if I were to even suggest such a thing."

This last comment received the reaction he was looking for. Mia laughed heartily at the image of her with the blue haired warrior in a choke hold. She bumped her shoulder into his chest in response and he gently returned the gesture. She wiped the tears off on the rough sleeve of her uniform and quietly asked, "Do you want to see a picture of Hikari?" When Chichiri nodded his ascent, she pulled the little fanny pack around to her front, and started fishing through it for her treasures.

The next hour was filled with Mia telling stories and showing the pictures of her wedding and family to anyone who wanted to see. Of course, this was always accompanied by an explanation of the technology that made such a picture possible. Truthfully, after the third explanation, she was thinking she should have just made a speech to everyone at once and gotten it over with.

Chichiri was enchanted by the loving glow that filled her face as she spoke of her beloved family. Not just Tamahome and Hikari, but of her brother, mother and friends. Here again was the brilliant loving face of the younger girl he had met just weeks ago. The joy in her voice attracted soldier after soldier until they were almost surrounded by the entire company. It seemed that the married men enjoyed basking in her maternal happiness that made them wish to be with their own spouses.

By the time Kanai grudgingly ordered camp struck, every soldier had a pretty good idea of where the little woman was from, and what she had suffered. There had been suspicions and rumors floating around the part of the group that had not been present at the palace gates when she arrived, but those were now put to rest. After the past few days, there was little doubt in their minds that this was an important quest. And there was little doubt that this woman was blessed by Suzaku.

The attitude of everyone in the column was greatly improved with the raising of the spirits of the woman, whom everyone now realized was indeed the Priestess of Suzaku returned to them. Since surviving several attacks, the men were even more diligent to scan the surrounding hillsides for ambushes. It was an honor to protect the Priestess and they would not let her down, or the Suzaku warrior that accompanied her. They had been commissioned with her protection by the Emperor himself.

The rest of the day was boring as far as external attacks went, but the men kept themselves and Mia amused with story telling. She even tossed in a few stories of her own that made the men snort in laughter. It seemed that they enjoyed hearing of her adventures with her sensei and the dojo's tournaments. Some good hearted ribbing even made Yamane snicker and accept that he had been beaten fair and square.

Halting for camp that night was nothing but routine, even though everyone was secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of Suzaku. Mia almost laughed out loud as these grown men more closely resembled a bunch of children trying to catch Santa Claus delivering presents. Dinner was delicious and companionable as Kanai and Suitani joined her and Chichiri as they ate outside the tent. They watched the sunset and told more stories.

Eventually, Kanai and Suitani left to attend their duties as leaders, leaving a mellow Mia and a quiet Chichiri. As the sun left the land around them, it still glowed lovingly on the mountain peaks before them. Mia shifted so her face was resting on her fists as she stared forlornly at the peak that was their destination. The snow reflected the dying sun with a vengeance that was painful to look at, all red and orange.

Mia broke the silence asking, "Chichiri, don't you need to check in at the palace again?" Though her eyes never moved from the mountain. Chichiri snickered under his breath and admitted, "Actually, no. I set the illusion to go into a two day prayer, followed by an illness that would have it bed-ridden for a few days. No one will bother it, you know."

She huffed out a sound of amusement as she imagined the ministers worrying about a three dimensional illusion while the real emperor was gallivanting about the country side. She was sure Hotohori was enjoying himself immensely. He was such a young man to be cooped up in a palace. She was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to see him and the others.

She sat back and looked at her friend with an expectant expression, "Um, Chichiri, is it possible to peak in on the others again without them knowing? I just really, want to see Hotohori and Nuriko right now." Her eyes again strayed to the mountain.

Chichiri looked at her and finally understood some things that had eluded him until that moment. All her comments and reactions lead up to only one conclusion. His voice was quiet and understanding as he asked, "Was Nuriko the one you lost up on Mt. Koko?"

A gasp escaped her as she spun back to look at him. Was she that transparent that he had figured it out? All she could do was sputter and stammer as she wondered if she should answer him. Finally she just nodded, "Uh huh."

Having been right on that matter, he continued on with another question to confirm his new found realizations, "And Emperor Hotohori is killed later on?"

Mia stared up again at that hated mountain as she tried to hold herself together. It hurt to tell him things that would change the past, but this pain was more emotional. By telling him, she had to address the fact that it was true in her past. She spoke with a stronger voice, "Yes, but it won't happen this time. Neither of them will die like they did before. I won't let them. I'll do whatever it takes to correct my mistakes from my first quest."

Chichiri could practically feel the undercurrents of lingering sadness flowing around with the determination and love she felt for all of them. He knew he would help her in whatever way he could. Right now, there was one way he could definitely help. So, he smiled in a conspiratorial way and pulled out his staff and hat from the folds of his cape. He said in a sly voice, "So, wanna spy on our friends?"

She grinned at his unexpected change of subject and jumped right in enthusiastically. "They won't be able to hear us? Right? I'd hate for them to think we were evil spirits haunting them if we should start laughing. But then again, that might be kind of funny too." Mia tried to remember what they were doing on day 4 of that part of the journey. Were they up with the bandits with Hotohori and Nuriko acting like women and getting the bandits drunk? Or had they already moved on and were encountering the Zombies and the plague? Had they found Mitsukake yet? Was he still a long-haired hippy hermit or had he straightened out and come to their rescue?

As darkness settled completely around them, Chichiri's hat began to shimmer and show the image of the other group. Mia leaned in closely and commented, "Darn. I really wish I had some popcorn and Coke™ right now. This will be better than any movie!"

She was disappointed that the group had moved away from the bandits, as she REALLY wanted to see Hotohori acting like a woman and getting hit on by drunken bandits. So, instead of a comedy, they were watching a horror. She knew the zombies were coming soon, and it made the hair on the back of her neck stand up in anticipation. A little narration on what had occurred so far, and Chichiri was current on events and he also watched with excitement.

The scene showed the younger Miaka, Hotohori and Nuriko standing in the hut of a sick villager. Miaka was demanding that Miss Shoka accompany them to revive the leader of the bandits. Mia snickered at her younger self's lack of diplomacy. She had the poor healer pinned against the wall. She looked over to Chichiri and demanded, "Fast forward to the good parts!" He just looked at her and responded, "Huh?" But Mia didn't explain.

Not a few minutes later, the three being shown in the hat had mounted their horses and were riding off into the darkness. They looked so determined. The surroundings got progressively worse as the dark night revealed a spooky graveyard. Mia squealed, remembering what was about to happen. She put her hands in front of her face and peeked through her fingers, "I can't watch!" but she still did.

Hotohori was talking, and then the younger Miaka slumped over, succumbing to the beginning of the fever from the Shikonki disease. Suddenly, Nuriko screamed, her horse screamed, and zombie hands were reaching up and grasping the horse. The horse reared up and dumped Nuriko before it was dragged under the ground. Then, more zombie hands reached for Hotohori's horse that dumped the two and scampered off in terror.

Mia gasped and grabbed Chichiri's hand as if she were in a movie theater. It was strange to be detached from the happenings. It was like she was watching a movie, and not reliving the experience. Of course, she could remember every moment of pain from the fever, and she could vividly remember the horror of being separated from Nuriko and Hotohori as the undead corpses closed in on her.

Then, just when everything seemed hopeless, Genro appeared to burn away the grotesque ex-villagers. Chichiri exclaimed in relief beside her, and questioned who this new person was. The image in the hat slowly faded away to reveal only woven straw as the two slowly regained their composure.

Chichiri exclaimed, "Wow, that red headed bandit can throw fire? That would be a helpful talent to have on the quest, you know?"

Mia giggled, "Well, then it's good he's a Suzaku warrior, don't ya think? That's Tasuki. He's a sweet guy, but he can be a real hot-head. No pun intended." But still, she giggled at her own unintended joke.

Mia rose from her seat and stretched with a huge cat-like yawn. "Well, I guess it's time for bed. Though, I'm probably going to have nightmares about those zombies. I'm glad we are way up here where they can't reach us." She walked to the door flap and looked back over her shoulder, "Thanks for letting me see them, Chichiri. It really helped a lot to know they are still alive and safe. Though, I sometimes wish I could spare her from all the pain she's going through. But if I did, she wouldn't be who she is, or who I'll be, or…. whatever. It's too confusing to think about this late. Just…. thanks…. for everything today." And with that she was swallowed by the dark interior of the tent.

OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO

Thank you to my loyal readers who were kind enough to grace me with a rewiew for my last chapter.

I'm so thankful to hear that readers enjoy my depiction of an older, wiser Miaka (Mia). I must say, it's been fun showing her vascilate between mature, determined heroine, and scarred, saddened survivor. I just love complex characters! Besides, in the show, though there was waaaaay too much "will she, won't she, will he, won't he", and she was usually childish and wimpy, there were still glimpses of a stronger character that could stand on her own. (now if they could just do something about that voice)

Please bear with me if my timeline is a bit off. I've gone back and forth over the original episodes and tried my best to determine how long they were with the bandits. Personally, I think there was more time spent wandering that is not accounted for. So, I'm having to use the minimum number of days that I can gauge from the show. I might have to stretch some of the in between days, or shorten some of the days that were not shown.

One thing that did bother me, in the show, they state that Mt Koko is 200 leagues north of the city. Well, a league is how far a horse can travel in an hour. I just can't imagine it taking 200 hour to get to the mountain. Nuriko galloped like a madman to get there. Then, when he was dying, the others made it there before he passed. It couldn't be that far, so I shortened the distance. (is it just me, or do others want to call Nuriko "she"?)

So, please review if you enjoyed my little foray into FY land.