As mysterious and closed off as Beca tried to make herself seem, she really wasn't all that difficult to get. At least she thought so, anyways. The walls around her life and heart were just the reaction to watching her parents live their lives miserably while forcing an emotion that they just didn't have for each other anymore. So when their love came crashing down, she decided that she'd be smarter than them. She would get it right, and to do so, she would make it impossible for people who weren't legit to break through. Hence all the pushing and running away when any sort of barrier was breached by someone she couldn't think of letting in. It's just easier to not be social and not get too close with people…that way there's no risk at getting hurt for no reason.
Beca stared at the empty track on her laptop. She had been sitting at her desk for hours, trying to work on a mix but nothing was working, she kept coming back to square one and drawing a blank. It's not like writers block, where the words just can't form, it's much worse when you're a musician. The music is already there, all you have to do is fit the pieces and use your emotions, but today, for some reason, Beca felt somewhat emotionless. Maybe she was just drained from the previous night's happenings and the many hours she spent lying awake in her bed just over thinking anything and everything. It was all Chloe centric, of course, and by the time she fell asleep, nothing was resolved.
Being in love with a straight girl was stupid; it is the dumbest thing you could ever do because it's not going to go anywhere. The closest you will ever get is being the 'best friend' and that's the worst, because you're there for EVERYTHING, including the nights when her heart is crushed over some jerk who doesn't give a fuck about anything but himself and even then all you can do is lie to her as she cries over the asshole on your shoulder. Yes, Beca knew this role entirely too well because she had fallen into it more times than she would like, yet she still couldn't seem to cut off her closeness with Chloe as she had done the others.
She decided she would just have to buckle down and do it, it's for the best right? The loneliness would pass, it always does. And so she put her plan to action; avoid, avoid, avoid.
She opened her itunes and absentmindedly hit shuffle as "She Doesn't Get It" by The Format started to play.
"Fuck my life." Beca mumbled
Beca successfully avoided Chloe for the next four days, which was a miracle in itself since she hadn't gone more than a day practically without seeing her since they first met. All texts and calls had been ignored and she strategically stayed away from any and all spots in which she would run into Chloe, which meant everywhere but the dorm and the radio station. She even went so far as to tell Aubrey she was sick and couldn't make Bella's rehearsal.
"Mitchell, if we lose I am going to murder you! Semi-Finals are in a week and your bullshit is not appreciated, everyone is working twice as hard and here you are, slacking off!" Aubrey reamed her out over the phone. She had expected as much, but it was actually funnier than she thought too.
"Aubrey, it's one practice. I've been throwing up non-stop! I know you know what that's like…" Beca reasoned, while simultaneously insulting Aubrey. Was she good, or was she good?
"Ugh, fine. Get your shit together because you better be prepared and don't you dare miss another practice!" Aubrey ranted before hanging up.
Beca thought about attempting to mix, but decided against it since she was in the middle of a mental block. Although she wasn't up for talking much, she figured she should give Jesse a call and see what he was up to. Since she had been hanging out with Chloe so much, she had been spending less time with Jesse, which was fine because he totally understood but at the same time, she felt bad that the only time they really hung out anymore was at the radio station.
"Becaaww! What's up?" Jesse said, answering after only a few rings
"Nothing, I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out, since it's been a while and all."
"Wow, you actually have time for me? I'm shocked!"
"Don't be an ass," She warned
"I know it's been a little while, but I really want to chill, I've missed you."
"The feeling is mutual. Hey, this isn't an attempt to snoop out the Treble's semi-finals routine is it? Because you're not getting nada"
"No, way! Honestly, fuck acapella right now"
"Whoa, what's that all about?" He questioned
"Ugh, nothing. Do you want to meet me at Brewed Awakenings in 30?" She asked
"Yeah that sounds decent. I'll see you in a bit"
"Word."
She hung up the phone, threw her headphones on and began to walk to the campus coffeehouse, taking the long way of course to avoid any possible Bella interaction since she was "sick" after all. She entered the coffee house surprised to see that Jesse was already there and had ordered her an iced coffee already.
"We didn't get to talk too much at the party but, how have you been?" Jesse asked as she approached, handing her the coffee as she took a seat.
"Pretty stressed but I guess that's just…jesus Christ, what is in this!?" She said making a face after taking a sip of the coffee.
"You don't take it extra, extra?" He asked
"What the fuck, no! If I wanted to drink straight cream and sugar, maybe, but the whole point of getting a coffee is to have coffee" She replied
He laughed at her reaction and grabbed the coffee. "Right, I'll go fix it…so black?" He asked with a very unsure look on his face
"Just a bit of skim, nothing else" She clarified.
Jesse returned moments later and handed her the coffee
"So what's up, why are you so stressed? And why the sudden hate on acapella? I thought you were enjoying everything…everyone" He said, putting emphasis on the last part.
"It's Chloe. Chloe is fucking up everything" She said with an exasperated sigh.
"What? How so?.." He questioned
"It just sucks. I have this massive crush on her, I can even go as far as to say I am in love with her and being around her and watching her go about her life and her excursions with Tom hasn't exactly been easy and then on top of that she made me all studious so now I'm actually worried about my grades and if she does one more nice thing for me, I swear I am going to explode!" She ranted
"So I've been avoiding her for days and trying to get myself not to care at all but it's made things worse and has even affected my music, I haven't been able to mix for the past 2 days."
"What? You're avoiding her? That doesn't sound right at all. Look, Becs, maybe you should just tell her how you feel…" Jesse began while Beca just gave him an evil glare.
"Okay, or not. But, this isn't going to just disappear in a few days, and you can't avoid her forever. You either need to get under her or get over her."
"Really? That's the best advice you can give me?" She asked, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples.
"I hate this. I hate myself for this" She lamented
"Look I'm speaking from experience. Experience with YOU, I might add. After you turned me down, I was super bummed, but I eventually got over it. It took some damn time but it wasn't the most impossible thing in the world Becs, if you're not going to act on it…find someone else to better occupy your time with because stressing yourself out over something that isn't even happening is going to drive you mad." He advised.
"And honestly, friendship above all is most important. Chloe is a good friend, your best friend, and it's better to have her there for you then have no one. You know I don't need to even tell you that."
She sipped her coffee as his words hit her. She knew he was right, but it still sucked.
"It gets easier with time." He added
"I hate when people say that." She replied
"Well, let's be honest, you pretty much hate EVERYTHING." He said with a laugh
She smiled and shook her head.
"C'mon Becs, cheer up! Let's go do something and get your head a little cleared." Jesse said
They left the coffee shop, and campus for that matter, and headed downtown. They popped in and out of a few shops, including a record store where Beca grabbed a few used versions of some albums she didn't have yet. She was actually thankful that Jesse had convinced her to go do something and leave campus for a bit. She enjoyed Jesse's company more than she had previously known she did and loved that they could go CD shopping and talk about girls. Suddenly he grabbed her hand and pulled her down a side street.
"Uh, Jess, where are we going?" She asked as she hesitantly let him pull her in a random direction
"Oh you'll see." He replied with a sly smile. They turned the corner and as she looked up, she saw the sign to a dive bar, rumored to not card.
"Bar One? You're bringing me to a bar?" She asked
"Listen, you're stressed. Let's have some drinks and get you to relax. I bet you'll even be able to mix after." He reasoned
"Well, for my music's sake, I guess…" She said as they entered the bar.
After a couple of Jack and Cokes, and a few beers later, Jesse deemed her "Small and Smashed" and decided they should head back to campus.
"Seriously, Aubrey's taste is SO lame" Beca slurred as Jesse held her hand and guided her back to her dorm. He laughed at her inability to hold her liquor, and her words, and was having fun egging on her rants.
"Why's that?" He asked
"Cheesy pop one hit wonders, it's like homegirl has never heard an alt song in her life!" Beca exclaimed throwing her hands up in the air.
"And even though Chloe is co-captain she gets no say and neither does anyone else. It's like singing and dancing for Hitler and I'm so sick of it. I want to quit."
"I'm sure everyone would be very upset if you quit, and you have that deal with your dad, remember?" He reminded her.
"No shit. I said I wanted to quit, not that I was gonna, DUH!" Beca said
They stopped when they arrived at Baker Hall and Jesse looked at his watch.
"Alright Becs, I gotta head to the station, are you all good to make it upstairs alone?" He asked
"I'm fiiiine." She said waving him off
"Thanks for taking me out, I had fun" She hiccupped
He laughed and pulled her into a small hug. He was surprised when she returned it with a strong embrace.
"No problem…just try to relax and not think so much. Everything will work out" He reassured
She gave him a salute and waved as he hurried off to his shift. She glanced to her left and noticed someone smoking a cigarette.
'well why the fuck not?' she decided in her head as she approached the girl.
"Hey, uh, do you mind if I bum one?" She asked the stranger
"Yeah no problem, hope you don't mind reds." The girl said with a slight smile as she lit one and gave it to Beca
"Oh I don't." Beca replied, not even sure of what the girl meant.
"Thanks." She said as she took the cigarette and walked over to the corner of the building. She inhaled deeply and let out a huge drag. She didn't smoke regularly but every once in a while, especially after drinking, a cigarette just felt so good.
"Beca!?" She heard a surprised voice call her name. She whipped around and saw a blurb of fiery red hair approaching.
'Fuuckkk' she mentally cursed at herself. Of course Chloe had to find her in this exact state right now. Her luck wasn't really on point these days.
"Heyyy." She let out with a lazy wave
"What's been going on? I've called you and texted you a few times and I was super worried when you didn't come to practice. Are you okay?" Chloe asked alarmed as she got close to Beca.
"I've just been…around? And super busy." She slurred out, leaning back against the building and taking a short drag of her cigarette.
Chloe crossed her arms as her eyes narrowed at Beca's.
"Are you drunk right now?" She asked, raising an eyebrow as she watched Beca struggle to remain balanced.
"Bitch, I might be." She replied sarcastically as she grinned at Chloe
Chloe shook her head.
"Well I came to check on you because you know semi-finals are in a week and we're all working really hard and I wanted to make sure you weren't dying or anything, I was super worried, but now.." Chloe began
"Look I don't need a lecture from you" Beca snapped
"I've got shit going on and Jesse took me out to try and help me relax, not that it's really any of your business.."
"I'm captain of the Bellas and you missing practice is my business…" Chloe said
"Co-captain. You're a co-captain." Beca said, cutting her off.
"What's up with this attitude? Are you mad at me for something?" Chloe asked, with a worried look on her face.
Beca didn't know how to respond.
'Yes, I'm fucking furious with you. You made me fall in love with you…you've been way too nice…you've invaded my space, and my life and now I can't think straight (ha!) or do anything without your presence overbearing my mind so yeah, fuck you.'
"I'm fine." Was all Beca said
"You know if you want to, you can always talk to me. About anything." Chloe said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
Beca immediately shrugged it off.
"You know I hate talking, Chlo." Was all she could think to say. Spilling her guts while drunk? Even Beca knew better than to do something that stupid.
Chloe grabbed the cigarette from Beca's mouth and took a drag.
"You might think you're all bad ass and that not talking is cool, but it's a very lonely way to live your life Becs," Chloe began as she exhaled
"And you can be a bitch to me all you want but, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not gonna stop caring or checking in on you so do whatever you want. I hope for your sake, you open up a bit and don't cause yourself anymore stress that you feel the need to get drunk at 3 in the afternoon."
Beca opened her mouth to speak, but then shut it tight.
'I am bad ass, bitch'
"I guess I'll see you at practice tomorrow, 9am…sharp." Chloe said sternly.
Chloe looked down at the cigarette before handing it back to Beca.
"Yuck, reds. Try Camels, more flavor." She said. And with that final comment she was gone.
Beca didn't like being rude to Chloe at all. Maybe it was the alcohol, or even her usual theory of pushing someone away by being cold, but Chloe said she wasn't going anywhere and wasn't going to stop caring like she meant it.
She wanted to believe it, but Beca knew better. People always leave.