We remain with Brody for this chapter too. I improvised some elements of his past.
Thanks LilMisfit5290 for your review!^^

Lipamo: you know how happy I am each time I read your reviews. Hoping you will enjoy this new chapter.

Thank you Terzima for your amazing translation job!
This is a longer chapter, I was inspired.

Enjoy your reading.

A New Life

Part 7

BRODY

Two weeks later

Carrie had just fallen asleep. She had been strangely passive during the past two weeks. This was not the Carrie I knew. I watched over her for a long time, a bit like a treasure, concerned. I was slowly getting used to her constant presence. And going to bed at night by her side, at the same time, had become a ritual that I was looking forward to in the daytime since it took on the official nature of our relationship as a couple.

We were a couple, or at least, we tried to be. Communication was hard to establish, and it was clearly my responsibility. But even though I knew it, I stood firm.

I fell asleep too. The blond little girl haunted my dreams again, like every night, creating a sensation of uneasiness each time I woke up. But this time, something else roused me from my sleep, it was still dark. Carrie was twitching in the bed with muffled moans. I turned on the light and found her sitting, one leg folded and her pajama pants rolled up to the knees, massaging her calf.

"A cramp," I guessed.

She looked at me, her face wore a mask of pain and tiredness, she seemed to be expecting something from me. Support? Actions? Help? I opted in favor of the third hypothesis.
I forced her to lie down.
"I'll do it."

I cautiously laid her leg flat on the bed, setting her foot upright – pointing her toes towards her – to stretch and relieve the muscle. After several back and forth movements, she relaxed, a sign that pain was subsiding. She tried to keep her eyes open, but her eyelids fluttered.
"Go back to sleep."
"Don't stop," she muttered before sinking into sleep.

I complied, massaging softly her aching calf for a few more minutes.

OoooO

I woke up early, anyway we would go to bed with the chickens because Carrie badly needed sleep. Dawn was breaking, I went into the living-room, unable to sleep any further. I paced back and forth, looking for something to do. There was no TV, no computer, nowhere to hang around. It was not that bothersome, I was used to living on little but right now, I needed to keep my mind busy. So I decided to do some cleaning, it was hardly a luxury since Carrie was messy and not inclined to do household chores.

I picked up some of her stuff, noticed that the laundry basket was overflowing in the bathroom. I swept the floor. Under the sofa, I hit something; searching with my hand, I exhumed Carrie's pregnancy book. Instead of placing it on the coffee table, I sat on the sofa and started to leaf through it, first with skepticism, then with growing interest as I read further in the book. I recognized some "symptoms" like an increased appetite, fatigue, heightened sensitivity – ah, and the cramps! There were other points that didn't sound like a lot of fun. I hoped she would get through it all, knowing her, I was not sure she would accept all those limitations.

I had not really taken an interest in Jess's pregnancies. Thinking about her didn't trigger the pain I expected, only an unpleasant pang but it was bearable. I knew what was the reason for this change, for my lessened distress. My gaze lost itself on the wall in front of me, and virtually passed through it to behold the person sleeping in the bed. Everything seemed different here, and the possibility of a new beginning was becoming a reality, like a parallel life. Could I erase what I had lived? Could I, in my soul and conscience, seize the opportunity that I was offered? I felt like I would be betraying myself if I denied the rest. But if I didn't do it, how could I move forward? I didn't want to forget my children, but thinking about them was delving into a bottomless abyss.

I continued reading not to dwell on memories. Some points about dads-to-be were dealt with. And it was all rather meaningful. Actually, it was even sometimes surprisingly reassuring.

Daytime was there for good, I was still reading. As I allowed myself to imagine other possibilities, my heart was decompressing. Because imagining was something I could do without taking risks. For instance, imagining a name for that little girl.

Yes, a little girl, that's what I saw, and I felt confusedly that it was what I wanted if I allowed myself to live that new life: a little girl as blond and pretty as her mother. I had the impression I knew her already, she tried to speak to me each time I dreamt of her, asking me what I felt about her and about her mother. I wanted so much to tell them I loved them, but the words remained stuck, my lips were sealed with glue.

My heart pounded, resonating in my temples like a gong, reminding me of precise moments of my existence; that's what I had felt every time I had taken a life: the blood boiling in my skull, my hands sweaty and my mouth dry, and the brutal acknowledgement that I was lying to myself if I believed I was within my rights.

Was it the sign that I was forbidden what I wanted to foresee? The lump in my throat grew so big that I could hardly breathe. I had to get some fresh air.
No sooner was I outside than the cold seized me and had the effect I wanted. I searched the sky for something but I didn't know what it was. I suddenly remembered my father, what would he think of me if I shirked my responsibilities? He would surely turn over in his grave. He died young, a little while before I left for Afghanistan. An abrupt and senseless loss. I regretted not having any siblings. Maybe that was why I had dreamt of a large family from an early age but Jessica had quickly sobered me up. It was not what she wanted.

Thinking back on it, there were a lot of things she didn't want and, as the years went by, the gap had widened and become a gulf after my imprisonment and the eight years of my absence. I had said good-bye to that part of my life, I mean, the romantic part. Could I reasonably believe I could repeat the experience with Carrie?

Had I earned the right to love again? Did I want it actually? I was good at not answering the question despite Carrie's efforts to drive me there. Loving implied opening up, giving yourself, and suffering. Did I have enough courage to admit I desperately wanted to protect myself out of sheer cowardice? Yes, it was cowardly to hide myself behind my problems, ugly to take without giving in return, and God knew how Carrie gave me and how I helped myself. Sparingly, yes, but nonetheless I was robbing her, purely and simply. I stole her love to exist, to be different, not to hate my own reflection in a mirror anymore.

Here I was now: Unable to move in a specific direction. Unable not to move. I was swaying dangerously. Either I took a step forward or I fell.

To put an end to my introspection, I was tempted to go running, that's how I always dealt with my stress. On the way that I started to know by heart, I drank in the landscape. I loved the place, isolation didn't bother me, I had spent so much time far from everything, I was used to it. But what about Carrie? Would she put up with such a monotonous life? Were we destined to stay here or would we have to leave again?

One hour later, I was back, more serene. I had had time to think and had come up with the idea of a hike. I walked past the house and took the map in the car.
I met Carrie who was sitting at the counter, with a bowl of milk and toasts in front of her.
Gloomy.
She showed almost no reaction when I got in. I sat on the other stool with the map in my hand.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Are you okay?"
"There's almost nothing left to eat," she was brooding.
"So I noticed. Do you want me to go get something?"

I knew she would say no, so I was surprised when she agreed. I didn't like seeing her like this, fatalistic, unconcerned. She hadn't gone anywhere in two weeks. It was time for a change. I spread the map on the counter, pushing her bowl away.

"How about going for a walk somewhere?" I suggested.

She cast a casual glance at the map.

"Look."
I put my finger on the map and carefully traced the details of the surrounding area. Apparently, there were other houses, distant and scattered for sure, but they were there. I also noticed a lake, which filled me with enthusiasm.

"We could go there."
"I'm tired."
"I know, but we'll walk slowly, and it will be a change of scenery."
"I don't know – "

She pushed the map and took her bowl to dip a toast, not really excited.

"You know what? I'll go shopping, you get ready, I'll prepare a picnic, and there we go! We'll do a small hike."
"It's too far."
"Carrie – "
"No."

Disappointed, I didn't insist. I went and got ready, stuffed our dirty clothes in the sports bag and grabbed the car keys.

"There's some money in the envelope in the glove box," she told me. "Don't be long."

OoooO

It was a luxury to go back to civilization, I knew it. So I stayed near Freiburg. I pushed the cap further down on my head and lowered the peak to hide my eyes. I stopped a passer-by to ask her about a Laundromat. She couldn't tell me but showed me the way to the nearest convenience store. It was more expensive than a larger supermarket but so much for that.

I strolled down the produce aisle, taking as much as I could. I went around the store, grabbing various items at random. I hesitated in front of the candies, she seemed to like them. I didn't stop in the wine, beer and alcoholic beverage section. I had nothing against them but I didn't want to tempt her. I felt she was walking on a tightrope like a funambulist and I was the pole keeping her in balance.

I asked the cashier about the Laundromat. She gave me directions to one a few yards from there. I thanked her with a smile and averted my eyes, stressed by her careful attention. I put the errands in the bags and paid quickly to hurry myself out. I glanced over my shoulder but she wasn't paying attention anymore.

I spent one hour at the Laundromat. There was no one there, so I waited quietly, brooding over Carrie's refusal to change air. I didn't want to force her so better to deal with it.

What a surprise it was then when I found her ready to go. She had put sneakers and a gray tracksuit on, tied her hair up in a ponytail, showing her ears – she usually hid them. She was undecided, wavering between "let's go" and "I'm not sure". I handed her the sports bag.

"Hang out the laundry, I'll make the sandwiches."

I could have done it but I wanted her to keep busy and not think too much and change her mind.

OoooO

We walked past the house, past the car, toward the east. The lake was about 2 or 3 miles away. I carried the heavy backpack. The air was mild, it was fall season. The sky was pleasant, of a cloudy blue, showing through the trees hiding the sun. The leaves rustled in the wind, the place was the essence of nature, of life.

I felt good.

My hand searched for her hand, my fingers locked with her fingers. I sensed her insistent gaze.

"If you're tired, let me know, okay?"

She nodded.

We walked in silence, peacefully, for an hour. At about one pm, we arrived at the lake. It was green and brown, reflecting the similarly colored woods around. It was a heavenly sight. I opened the backpack, unrolled a plaid and let myself fall, happy. I pulled her arm so that she would join me.

"See, we were right to come."

On the other side of the shore, some people had also planned a picnic. I handed her a tuna-mayo-pickle sandwich, she recoiled, holding her nose.
"What's in there?"
"Tuna, mayonnaise and pickles."
"I hate tuna now, yuck."
"Shit!"
"What? Don't tell me that's all you have?". She grabbed the backpack, panic stricken.
"Bacon-mayo-pickles?" I tried.
She accepted the wrapped package I took out of the bag, suddenly invigorated.
"I'll have those with the tuna, you'll have the bacon."
"It's a deal."

We ate our food in soothing quietness. Then I searched the bag for a bottle of water.
"I've also bought bananas and – "
"I don't like bananas."

No luck.

Seeing how crestfallen I looked, she had her first tender gesture in several days, brushing my cheek with her hand.
"It's okay," she said. "It was nice of you to try and please me. It's just – "

She looked for words, staring at her hands. She let out a slow sigh.

"I don't feel well."
"And how long will it last?"
"I'm all right you know, I mean, compared to how I usually feel, I think it's not that bad, your being with me is important."
"It doesn't look like it."
"Oh really?" she regretted, running quickly her fingers up and down on my face, my skull. "I'm serious, I'm not sure I could make it without you."

She put her arms around my neck, visibly clinging on to me. It rang alarm bells.

"Do you take your medication?"
"Yeah, but it's not the same, it's lighter, almost nonexistent. It was okay, I knew I had to manage –"
"Why didn't you tell me?" I scolded her.
"I didn't want to bother you with my fucked up brain issues – and I know my pregnancy doesn't make you happy."

She burst into tears, burying her face in my neck, squeezing me tighter. Her sorrow was audible, it pierced my heart. I had to find a way to reassure her even though she was right in a way. I was working on it, on the possibility of reconstructing a family.

"I'm worried Carrie, that's all, I'm not very supportive, and I know you're lonely. You need to see a doctor, and you're stuck with me here, and you can't be followed properly. And this is another burden I don't want to bear. I don't want anything to happen to you or to your mini-you."

She stepped back briskly to watch me with bright eyes.
"How do you know it will be a girl?"
"I know it, I saw her – in my dreams."

She didn't laugh, didn't make fun of me, quite the opposite, she was attentive and interested.
"And what does she look like?"
"As pretty as you. Her blond curls hide her ears –I lightly touched one of her lobes –, her chin is determined like yours."
"And why wouldn't she have red hair? Why wouldn't she have your chin? Your ears?
"I agree for my ears," I laughed when I saw her more animated, "because they're perfect, but about the rest –"
She was half indignant, half laughing.
"What with my ears?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" I protested.

At last she was smiling, she even laughed out loud, the Carrie I knew was coming back, little by little. And it was a relief.

"And that little girl in your dream, did she have a name?"
"She didn't tell me. Maybe we could think about it," I said, going back into serious mode.
"Yes, maybe," she agreed timidly.

She sat down on the plaid again, more serious too. And pretty much surprised. She grabbed the bottle of water that protruded from the backpack and gulped down at least one third of the bottle. She looked serene now.

"I'll get in touch with Saul. You're right, I must see a doctor."

OoooO

We returned home late afternoon. She went directly to bed. I had finished preparing dinner when I heard groaning sounds. I rushed to the bedroom to see what was wrong. She was wriggling, still sleeping, eyebrows frowned. Maybe it was a bad dream. I sat on the bed and shook her softly. She opened her eyes wide, slightly at a loss. When they set on me, there was a spark while she went from confusion to blatant desire, devouring me with her eyes shamelessly. She put her arm around my neck and pulled me against her.
"I can't wait anymore," she whispered, kissing me. "You can't leave me like that."

I was unable to think. By keeping my distances, I had only inflamed our mutual attraction. I saw her take her tank top off in a sort of fog that disappeared at the sight of her rounded belly. I moved away, sitting down, and readjusted my tee-shirt:
"Dinner's ready."
"I don't care!" she shouted, trying to pull me against her again but to no avail.

She kneeled upright, exposing her breast that was more and more generous, streaked with blue veinlets, which rekindled the flame of desire. She grasped my hands, wrapped my palms around her breasts.
"I want you to touch me."

She exhaled a long sigh, similar to relief, then threw her head back, displaying her pale throat that called my mouth. I couldn't resist. Her skin was smooth, her scent reminded me of impassioned memories. At the same time her hand took hold of what she was longing for, despite the thickness of my jeans she could perceive that I was quite responsive. I repressed a sigh and bit her flesh, she let out a little cry. She worked on unzipping my jeans. I found myself – I don't know how – lying flat on my back and naked, I conceded defeat when she took me in her mouth.
Over and done with the reluctance, the precautions, done with the concern about her condition, she was again the sexual object that set each and every millimeter of my being ablaze. Deeply shaken by this unpredicted and intimate contact, I felt I was reaching climax but she stopped and gave me a triumphant smile. She turned her back toward me, took the rest of her clothes off and rubbed herself against me so deftly that I surrendered in a hoarse groan. I wanted her so ardently that it was best to give in before losing all my lucidity, I didn't want to become brutal. And I wanted to please her even more ardently. It was easy to enter the warmth of her eden, interlocked into one another in perfect harmony, I gripped her hips to show them the movement I wanted, slow at first then faster and faster. I kept my eyes open, filled with wonder at the new sensuality she exuded. I was galvanized by her screams close to suffocation. She lacked of air, I lacked of air. She extended her arm, put it around the nape of my neck to pull my face closer to her own that she tried to turn in my direction, almost twisting her neck. She arched her back, swallowing me so deeply that I lost all sense of reality, lost all control, falling to pieces in the most chaotic pleasure.

Out of breath, we remained that way for a long time, resting in the nest of our arms. She jumped slightly, put her hand on her belly, near her stomach.
"You're hungry?"
"It gave a little kick."
Obviously she was expecting it. Instinctively, my hand slipped under hers, she let me do it without a word. I pressed my forehead against the back of her head, my nose in her hair, and closed my eyes to repress my emotion when there was another kick.

More to come soon.
We will be with Carrie in the next chapter.