Thanks to Terzima, thanks, thanks, thanks a lot!

Thanks to Bookworm1986 and zarqa for your reviews. Love it!

Thanks for all the favorites and alerts.

We are still with Carrie. It took me a while to write this update because I was stuck with Saul's arrival. I didn't know how to include him in the story. I didn't want to get him wrong, I even watched some episodes again to better grasp his character but I don't have Season 3, I don't like that one much anyway, there is not enough Brody IMO and he is always in pain and faraway from Carrie. So what I mean is that the way I interpret Saul may not be the right one but it's how I chose to do it.

I also want to mention that I don't watch Season 4. Terzima told me that there were a couple of details in my fic that were coherent with S4, it's just coincidence but I like it because it means I have understood Carrie's character rather well.

Enjoy your reading

A New Life

Part 9

You could have cut the tension with a knife. Saul being there was as incommoding for me as it was for Brody. A spontaneous reaction of empathy. I crossed the room to join him and saw the vein pulsing on his temple. He was a bundle of nerves, a bomb ready to explode – pun not intended.

I had to deactivate it all at once.

"Brody?"

No reaction, he was watching Saul. The latter had remained where he was without saying a word, with his experience of danger, it was a logical reaction. So why the hell did he force himself to say something?

"You both look good."

I clutched Brody's biceps when I saw him squinting his eyes, clenching his jaw, his breathing getting short.

"We were good before you got here," I snapped.

I couldn't help being blunt.

"Brody," I resumed, "please, go to bed, I'll be there in a minute."

I stroked his arm to soothe him but I felt more like I was transmitting my stress. I was used to dealing with extreme cases, however this time I was struggling, it was too personal, I was intimately involved. I needed to be clear-headed and if he stayed, it wouldn't happen.

"Please," I insisted.

He slowly turned an apocalyptic face toward me, I shrank back while enduring a painful spasm in my chest. The look on his face changed when he saw my recoil, he extended an arm and pulled me against him, burying his face in my hair.

"Ok, don't be late, and throw him out of our house."

I nodded without thinking, relieved. He walked around the furniture to avoid him and left the room like a zombie. My attention turned violently to Saul.

"Why did you come here? You're compromising our safe house!"

"I was worried, and it's temporary here, and no, I haven't compromised anything."

"We – we'll have to leave again?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"France."

France? I wasn't thrilled by the prospect, I wasn't happy to leave this place, and knowing Brody wouldn't approve either strengthened the feeling.

"When?"

"In a few days, when everything's ready, I'll drive you there."

"You're not staying here several days, are you?" I cried out, nervous.

"Of course I am. Do you have a guestroom? I'm tired."

"You can use the couch for the night. Get a hotel room afterwards."

I was already on my way to our bedroom, superbly ignoring him. How was I going to break the news to Brody?

"Carrie!" he called out to me.

"What?"

I didn't even bother turning round.

"We need to talk."

"Not tonight; I'll bring you something to make a bed."

I grabbed a blanket in the bathroom cabinet and threw it on the couch.

"Why do you react that way? Isn't it what you wanted? I did what it took to keep you alive, it wasn't easy, I took huge risks."

"You want me to feel sorry for you?"

"I want you to be grateful."

"My family thinks I'm dead, Saul, do you realize what you've done to them?"

"Brody wasn't supposed to live for the operation to be successful, I took risks you can't even start to fathom. Besides me, nobody knows you're alive."

"Not even your wife?"

"Not even Mira. And I can tell you it was really hard to lie to her again."

Okay. Baffled, I stayed there, shuffling.

"Why didn't you follow the orders?"

"I did it for you, because you appeared to unreasonably shift toward obsession."

I didn't understand, stared at him.

"Brody."

"He's not an obsession."

"Yes, he is! And you were putting yourself in danger because of it."

"I put myself in danger 'cause I love him! He's the father of my child. And you wanted me to give him up?"

"I got that too, and I acted accordingly as much as I could."

I was too disturbed, too weary to answer.

"What time is the appointment tomorrow?"

"2 PM."

"All right, good night Saul," I said mechanically while walking away.

In the bedroom, Brody was sitting on the edge of the bed by the window, I could only see his back, stooped. I skirted the bed and sat by his side.

"I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow, my appointment is at 2 PM."

He gave a nod of approval. His profile was locked in a mix of a lot of negative stuff.

"He's still here?"

"For the night only. Tomorrow he'll go somewhere else."

I saw his hands curl into fists.

"How long is he staying and why?"

Should I tell him? His state of nervousness was palpable.

"I don't know."

"He's hardly here and you're lying again."

The blow struck hard. I felt like crying. I gazed at the window, ashamed.

"We'll leave the safe house in a few days for a permanent location in France, he'll take us there."

He remained silent for much too long. His profile was so shut, so hostile that it was unbearable.

"Luckily there's no gun here," I attempted a joke.

Actually, there was a gun but he didn't need to know. He remained stony-faced.

"You can use a lot of things to kill," he reminded me in an unrecognizable voice.

The hairs on my arms stood up.

"I've had many instructors who made a killing machine out of me. And he's one of them."

"I'm one of them too," I said softly.

He turned his attention to me, gazed at me for so long that I had to look away. Staring at my hands, I waited for his answer.

"You didn't have the same motivations, you wanted to help me find again what I'd lost."

"I have no excuse, I used you."

"I let you do it, it's different."

I was a little short of breath, it was jerky inside my stomach.

"Why did you let me?"

"You know why."

I was not sure I understood. He pulled me against him, my head rested on his shoulder.

"I hurt you a lot, Carrie, you spent a long time in the hospital."

"In the loony bin you mean."

He didn't answer.

"I loved you so madly that I thought I'd lost myself along the way, that I'd forgotten my priorities, that I'd lost my judgment. Loving you looked worse than my illness."

He held me tighter.

"I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter anymore, you know it. We've been able to find and love each other as we are."

I lifted my head to search for his eyes, to get his approval.

"We love each other for good, right?"

"Yes, there's love between us."

"So why don't you say so?"

Of course he didn't answer. He kissed me instead and as usual, I lost sense of reality.

OoooO

I woke up with a start, suffocated by heartburns. Coughing loudly, I slipped into the bathroom not to wake him up, drank a little water, which made me suffocate even more. My entire esophagus was burning horribly. It wasn't the first time it happened, it was extremely unpleasant. I went back to bed, not feeling well.

I couldn't sleep, it upset me. I nestled against Brody, finding a nice spot on his chest, I listened to the beating of his heart and eventually, I forgot my discomfort. I was falling asleep when he started to stir. His face turned in all directions, he mumbled, arched his back, extended his arm, I was vigorously pushed away from his chest.

I stroked his cheek, whispered reassuring words. I had never seen him so agitated since our arrival in the house. He opened his eyes, seemed to see me and closed them right away. He stopped stirring.

Bye bye sleep, I was under stress again. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of milk. The figure of Saul on the couch made me jump. I resented him for breaking our tranquility. I resented him for disturbing Brody, I resented him for not allowing us to be a happy couple in our country. But on second thought, could we have been happy in a country which would have rejected him anyway?

In front of the fridge, I felt sad. I slammed the door shut and went back to bed.

I woke up with a start again, this time it was distress that had roused me from sleep. Or was it the screams? I quickly stumbled out of bed, my head spun violently when I stood up. I held onto the bed table to find my balance. I wasn't fast enough, the screams were stronger, reached my ears more clearly, then stopped abruptly, making my heart beat wildly. There was a sound of something falling.

Oh, no, fuck!

When I got into the living room, I found Brody punching Saul. Shit, shit, shit!

"Brody, stop!"

He didn't hear me, I saw Saul stand up. There was blood on his face, he staggered again, about to collapse. I rushed to clutch Brody's arm, he was already in the momentum of the next blow and I had to pull backward to counterbalance the move. He bellowed in rage and shook my hand off to start up again.

"Don't do it again!" I ordered him.

He froze, remained motionless for ten long seconds, then walked to the entrance door that he flung open and blitzed outside, with his clothes on but barefoot. I ran after him, ignoring Saul who was slumped on the couch. On the front steps, I called him in vain, he was running straight on. I couldn't let him on his own, not in that state. So I launched myself after him despite the cold, despite my own bare feet. The twigs hurt me, hampered me and it drove me crazy. I stepped sideways and fell on the ground, I was able to fall on my side by breaking my fall with my arm. Jesus, no! the baby! I closed my eyes, breathing slowly.

Brody was already bent over me, worried.

"Does it hurt?"

"I'm fine, don't worry."

I was almost positive I had broken my fall properly, I just had scratches on my arm and a sore shoulder. He lifted me up so carefully that I couldn't help but smile, I felt immediately better in his arms. I needed to be pampered, was it a normal reaction or was I becoming too dependent?

In the living-room he placed me on the couch, pushing away Saul who tried to see what I had. He scrutinized me from head to toe, I winced when he palpated my shoulder.

"What have you done to her?" Saul exclaimed.

Thankfully, Brody ignored him. Saul was still complaining, spoiling this special moment. "Please, make him stop!" I thought to myself.

"I'm fine," I told Brody again.

"No, Carrie, you have to see a doctor," he enjoined.

His hand brushed against my belly, hung there for a second. I slipped my hand on his, didn't bother to contradict him, I knew he was right.

"I'll get bandages."

He walked away, pushing Saul back even more strongly. Saul sat down beside me as soon as he was gone. A big smile spread across my face when I saw his bruised face.

"He sure didn't pull his punches."
"And you're proud of it Carrie?" he said with irritation.
"Yeah. You deserved it."

"I've brought you together and that's my reward?"

"You hurt him a lot, he won't forget it, and you used me to manipulate him."

"You knew why, you agreed."

"I had to do my job, but at what cost? You sent him to his death and you want me to forgive you?
"He knew the risks. He did a lot of harm too, if he accepted, it's because he knew he had to redeem himself."

I didn't want to hear it, not in my fragile, emotional state, not when I was unable to think clearly.

"I wanted him to succeed," he continued, "and come back."

"I have my doubts."
"I jeopardized my career Carrie," he hissed. "The decision to eliminate him didn't come from me, I was already off the job. He was considered an unstable element, a dead weight, a shame for his country."

"It could have changed."

"You don't believe it yourself Carrie, you know how unwelcome he would have been even if we had disclosed how decisive his involvement was."
"Nobody will ever know how brave he is."

"You know it, I do too, and so does the Agency, as well as the President."

I glanced at him, skeptical, but had no time to answer, Brody was back with a first-aid kit. Saul stood up immediately. Had Brody heard us? Probably not. His face showed nothing. He took the time to cleanse the scratches on my arms and apply a few bandages. He handed the kit to Saul without a glance. He grabbed it and vanished in the bathroom.

"Brody," I tried.

"Are you hungry?"

"Honestly, yes."

"I'll bring you something."

"I can walk."

"No! You stay and lie there."

I saw there was no point arguing.
I was eating my breakfast when Saul reappeared.

"I moved the appointment forward, we have to be there at 11."

OoooO

It wasn't an easy task to convince Brody to stay home and wait for me.
I missed his presence, I felt terribly nervous and it hurt in my groin. Saul was driving calmly and without a word – to my relief. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but I was scared. A familiar fear was slyly seeping in and put me in agony.
I tried breathing exercises but nothing could prevent anxiety to increase.

"Stop fidgeting, we're almost there."

I didn't know I was fidgeting.

"If I lose my mind in the near or far future, don't let Brody deal with it alone."

He didn't answer.

"Promise me, Saul!"

"Ok. I'll do it."

I chose to believe him. I had no choice anyway.

I looked outside but couldn't focus on the landscape, I was numb with fear. I don't know how I managed not to break down during the rest of the ride. When we pulled over, I hauled myself out of the car to take deep and long breaths. I followed him like a robot, there was not a living soul in sight. In the clinic waiting room, before I let myself fall on a seat, a small brunette with an ordinary face yet imprinted with professionalism came for me. She spoke my language with a think German accent. She didn't ask for my name, her questions were only about my health. I told her all about my fears regarding the impact of my condition, my fall and my pains, my expectations. Concerned, she immediately suggested an examination.

I undressed quickly and donned the gown hanging on the rack. I lay down on a cold exam table, the white walls made me even more uncomfortable, I felt alone. She took my blood pressure.

"Your blood pressure is too high. You'll need a lot of rest and quiet."

"Easier said than done."

I winced with pain. She went on with her exam, my feeling of loneliness vanished when I heard the sound of a fast heartbeat. I looked at the image she was pointing at, it was beyond imagination: the baby was there, for real with his tiny fingers, little hands and huge head. The doctor was checking the various parameters, her satisfied nods were reassuring.

"You want to know the baby's gender?"

"Yes. Well, no. Maybe."

Brody wasn't there, it was killing me.

"I can put the images onto a cd for the dad, what do you think?"

I agreed, moved to tears by her offer prompted by intuition. Saul would find us a way to read it.

"So? Do you want to know?"

I said yes with a nod.

"It's a girl."

I couldn't help but burst into a tearful laugh. Brody had been right.

"Is she blond?"

She looked at me, taken aback.

"We can't tell for now. Only when she's born."

"Her father is red-haired, I'd like her to be like him."

Why such an obsession? I had no idea. I winced with pain again.

"Why does it hurt like this?"

"The ultrasound didn't show anything, but it would be safer to hospitalize you, particularly with your hypertension."

My blood froze at the word "hospitalize".

"No! I don't want to go to hospital I want to go home!"

My blood pressure increased, my breathing shortened, my hands shook, I was getting agitated.

"Go and get Saul!"

I started to get down from the exam table, she tried to hold me back, I pushed her back briskly. I started to feel dizzy and nauseous, I held onto the edge of the table, my hand of my forehead. I had to calm down but how? I was in uncharted territory, overwhelmed, terrified.

Brody.

I wanted him here and now. I should have let him come with us but once again Saul and his bullshit had convinced me.

"Carrie, lie back down!"

She had brought him in.

"We're leaving, Saul! Help me get dressed!"

"If you can't do it yourself, it means there's a problem, Carrie."

"I'm just a little tired."

To contradict me, the pain came back, intensified and spread down to the small of my back. My hand put itself instinctively on the sorest point, my head rested on the table.

"Lie back down!"

"Carrie, lie back down!"

I knew I had lost, they were going to lock me up. And I still didn't know what caused me so much pain. I wasn't oversensitive to pain but I felt suddenly so weak that everything seemed insurmountable. The only thing I knew for sure was that my daughter was okay.

So far.

"I want Brody, go get him Saul."

BRODY

As I was walking around in circles like a trapped lion, I was comforted by the sound of a car engine approaching. She was back, finally, everything was well then. I rushed to greet her and froze when I didn't see her in the passenger seat.

"Where is she?"

I skirted the car, Saul slowly got out of it, leaving me to stew in my anger and apprehension.

"She had to be hospitalized. It may last a while."

My heart fell to my feet.

"The baby?"

"Fine. It's more as a preventive measure. She suffers from hypertension, sharps pains and too much stress. She has to stay in bed."

"I want to see her."

"You can't. I've had her transported by helicopter to a specialty clinic near Paris, you'll have to bear with it."

More to come when I can. Be patient!