Thanks to kz4valentina et LilMisifit5290 for yours reviews!^^
Terzima, you know you are the best!
We're back with Carrie now.
We're reaching the end, maybe two or three more chapters and an epilogue.
Enjoy your reading!
A New Life
Part 11
Brody had left an hour earlier.
Saul had driven him back, they were supposed to be back the next day, I had insisted on it. Regarding Quinn, I had chewed him out hardcore, he also left soon afterwards. To think that he had deprived me of the only thing that would have helped me not to lose my mind during the time I'd spent on my own here! I was mighty pissed at him! I felt like I was sliding back to what was worst inside me, without being able to counter the slide. His presence hadn't helped me to feel better, despite his efforts, I was losing myself inside my mind, unable to connect with reality. The coming and going of the nurses, doctors, cleaners, nothing disturbed me. As if I had been anesthetized all along.
I sank into the armchair I was sitting on in the common room, in front of the TV where stupid things were being watched by other residents, it was in French, I didn't understand a word. Anyway, I was somewhere else, my mind was flying away to join the man I loved.
The simple sight of Brody had boosted me. He had that kind of effect on me, I had found him even more handsome, so unreal, like out of a dream. And he had told me all those things…
I couldn't help smiling, I was happy.
I mechanically stroked my belly. My daughter's kicks were becoming more precise, more regular, she liked to be felt in daytime, at night she left me alone. I tried to be more maternal, it was not easy, I knew nothing about it, and it wasn't innate as one might think. She was my closest connection to Brody, a reminder of his existence.
Slowly the room was being deserted, it was dinner time but I wasn't hungry. I took the remote and channel-hopped until I found an American news channel. Without realizing it, I immersed myself in that jumble of news items, some sordid, others heroic, others downright scary. Sadly, terrorism was around more than over, insidiously, unobvious, sometimes in minor elements. But my experienced eye knew how to find it. I couldn't remain indifferent, it had been my driving force for so long, inactivity was a crime to me.
I almost stopped breathing when I realized how impossible it was for me to consider remaining far from the action, but being active meant giving up on some fundamental things.
I shook my head, refusing to sacrifice love, my future family.
"How will I do it?" I panicked.
I let myself slump even more in the armchair, tucking my legs under me, wrapping my arms around my child. I felt like crying, again. It was tiresome, tedious, heavy.
"Still angry?"
I jumped, scowled at the untimely appearance of my former colleague.
"Quinn! Get lost!"
He squatted in front of me, resting his arms on the arms of the chair. I wanted to turn around but I didn't have the strength to do it, I just closed my eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"If you think I'll confide in you –"
"You can tell me everything," he insisted quietly.
"I told you what I had to say, just mind your own fucking business!"
He stayed there and waited, I sensed it. Eventually I opened my eyes, exasperated.
"How did you get in the building? Visiting hours are over."
"As if it'd stop me."
"You can't afford being seen."
"Come on Carrie. It won't happen."
It might have sounded pretentious but he was right, and that self-confidence was infuriating.
"Get the hell out of here!"
I slowly stood up and walked to the door. He didn't follow, his gaze on the TV. A meal tray was already waiting for me in my room. I put on my pajamas and started to eat my cold dinner. It was bland, not what I wanted. I dreamed of a good steak, baked potatoes and a glass of wine.
After dinner, I was seized by a violent urge to smoke. The frustration was so strong that I started retching. When I returned from the bathroom, Quinn was there once more.
"Dammit, Quinn! D'you want a punch in your fucking face?"
"Give it a try, I'm curious."
I walked two steps and "bam!" I slapped him. He didn't seem much shaken, quite the contrary actually, I saw a little smile on his face, softening it, which was rather unsettling.
"Nice to have you back, partner."
"You're crazy."
I skirted him and went back to bed, vexed by this lasting nausea. Was it due to stress? Probably. I had that knot in my stomach, and the only way to get rid of it was to fix what was tormenting me. But how?
"Come with us, Carrie, come back to the USA. You'll do the same job unofficially."*
It was tempting. He noticed my doubt, took advantage of it.
"We'll find you a nice little place where you can be with your father, he'll care for your daughter when you're ready to go back to work."
Dad.
"And your sister –"
"Stop!"
I put my hands on my ears. He tried to remove them but I became aggressive, and he stopped. His words bounced in every corner of my head, the damage was done, and I went through hell. I yelled at him, ordering him to go away, again and again. The nausea got worse, arms seized me, moving faces appeared before my terrified eyes. I struggled, distraught, gasping for air. And then a mask covered my nose and mouth, I slowly went numb, stopping my frantic moves. I fought against sleep, muttering Brody's name again and again.
I woke up the next day with a terrible headache. Unable to get out of bed, I was nauseous, exhausted. The fog on my mind dissipated little by little, I remembered what had happened the day before and anxiety squeezed me. I was able to sit and I suddenly felt a strong urge to pee, instead of paging a nurse I gingerly stood on my legs that felt like jelly. By the time I reached the toilets I had had leaks, fuck, how humiliating! Sitting on the john, I cried in misery, I was pathetic.
"Why are you doing this to yourself? It's no big deal."
"Brody?"
No, he wasn't there, it was in my head, the way for my subconscious to reassure me. Anyway, this is what he would have said and he would have been right. I rubbed my face, pulled the shower curtain and turned on the faucets. I set my clothes aside in a heap and threw myself under the stream of hot water. The effect was instantaneous, I relaxed, however I couldn't stay long, my blood pressure dropped quickly in the heat.
Somebody knocked at the door.
"I've brought your breakfast and medication," a woman's voice said in perfect English.
"Thank you."
"Don't stay too long in the shower."
"Sure."
"The doctor will come and see you later this morning."
"Ok."
Good, I had things to tell him!
In front of the mirror, once dry, I found it hard to look at myself. I didn't recognize myself with that hairstyle and color, that translucent body streaked with veins that showed more and more, not mentioning my breast that was big and painful. In a month my body had doubled in size, I felt like a whale, I could hardly see my feet.
No, no, no need to feel depressed. It was just temporary.
I dressed, arranged my hair, and all I wanted was to go back to bed, nagged by that familiar pain in my groin. On the bed, I gulped down the food on the tray, swallowed my foul-tasting pills and slipped under the sheets, exhausted.
Later that morning I was finally able to consider the terrifying issue of my jobless future. Whichever way I looked there was only one solution. That's when the on-duty doctor came in. He was young and amiable. We had talked before, he was considerate. He looked at the file in his hand, spoke for himself then asked me a few questions about what I felt physically.
"It is still painful here – I pointed to the spot – and sometimes my hips and my coccyx are sore. It's not all the time but it's awful. I can't even sit!"
"Your pelvis is widening, nothing unusual."
"Oh really?" I groused, "thanks for letting me know. And what about the heartburns, my esophagus is like a volcano, is there anything for that?"
"I'll add an anti-acidic in your treatment. And is there something else upsetting you?"
"No."
"Are you sure? Yesterday evening –"
"Oh yes," I cut him, "taking about it, I'd like more security in this building, anybody can come in as they please."
"What do you mean?"
"Someone bothered me and it made me a bit jumpy."
"There was no one with you yesterday evening."
"I'm telling you there was."
"And you were not only jumpy," he ignored my remark, "you were having a hysterical fit."
Ok, I knew where he was heading so I'd better shut up or agree with him. I had no choice and I vigorously cursed Quinn under my breath.
"I was a bit under stress, maybe I don't recall properly what happened. All I want is quiet to be able to carry this pregnancy to full term.
"Was it your spouse's visit that disturbed you?"
"No!" I protested, outraged. "On the contrary, he's the stable part of my life, he brings me reassurance."
"Does he understand what's in store for him?"
I sighed.
"Maybe not."
I took some time to think.
"However, he's the only one who can keep me on the right track, he knows how to boost me."
"Quite a burden."
That was none of his business.
"I do the same for him. We need one another, we complete each other, we love each other. So the rest doesn't matter."
OooO
After lunch, I went outside to ponder over what the doctor had said. I saw a few residents; I stayed on the sidelines, didn't speak to anyone, not even to the staff. I couldn't wait for my condition to improve and leave the place. I scrutinized the sky, the sun tried to pierce the clouds, I enjoyed the warmth of some rays, seated on a bench near the fountain. Time stretched lazily, I remained relatively calm, strangely serene.
I had taken my decision.
Then time seemed to slow down, I was eager to put all this into words, to tell Saul. When he materialized before me, my words flooded him and I couldn't hold back the flow. He had to put an end to that verbal mania to sit down and recapitulate.
"You want to train young recruits, go with them in the field while Brody cares for your daughter."
"Our daughter, yes. He'll be a good father, much better than me as a mother."
"How do you know?"
"I just do."
"Do you realize how crazy it was to have that child?"
"She is what he needs, she is the proof of my love for him. He'll manage, I trust him blindly even he doesn't know it."
My words enraged him, I didn't care.
"I'll come home at least once a month, I want you to make sure that's how it will be."
"He won't accept."
"I'll try to explain. I wanted to have it approved by you first."
"It won't be easy Carrie, do you realize –"
"You'll work it out, anyway from the very beginning your goal was to take me back to the US without Brody, wasn't it?"
His face clouded over.
"I should have known, Brody spilled the beans."
"What are you talking about?"
"I told him what I expected from you, he didn't like it."
I was puzzled, why didn't he tell me?
"No kidding. You misjudged him, he didn't come whining to me, that's not like him at all. In the future, if you want us to get along Saul, you stop intruding on my choices, and his. You just leave us alone!"
"Carrie –"
"You have what you want! Don't split hairs, do what I'm asking you! Make sure he's safe when I'm away and I'll make myself available."
He remained silent, a cautious silence with a fixed gaze that could easily unsettle someone.
"Where's Brody?"
"Waiting in the car."
"And Quinn?"
"I don't know."
"Find him and keep him at bay, I don't want to see him at the moment."
"Why?"
"You know why. I want to see Brody. We have to talk."
OooO
We sat facing each other, he was in the armchair, and I was in my bed. His face had turned ashen and it broke my heart. He had stopped speaking after my monologue, he was dead-still and it distressed me.
"Brody?"
Silence.
"Say something."
Silence. He couldn't look at me. Had I betrayed him?*
"Are you angry? You think I'm being selfish?"
He shook his head no but his gaze didn't cross mine. He rubbed his hands together, kneaded them. I knew I had hurt him.
"I love you you know, don't think I'm letting you down, I could never give up on you but…"
But what? What could justify my hurting him so much?
"You're not meant to stay home Carrie, I know that, and I accept it."
It didn't come as a surprise, he knew me well and he was generous. But the weight remained on my chest. He managed a smile, which finished crushing my traitor's heart. I realized what I was: a disgusting woman who had betrayed our love.
"I'm sorry."
No, no tears. Too late, I was already falling apart, I left the bed to kneel at his feet.
"I only thought of myself."
I put my cheek in his lap, my hand looked for his, found it, and they clenched together.
"Forgive me."
He stroked my hair with his free hand.
"There's nothing to forgive, stand up."
He pulled on my forearms to help me stand back up. I settled in his lap, wrapping my arms around him, a position I liked. It made me feel safe, and it was all I needed at that precise moment. He bent his head to kiss my cheek.
"You gave me back my identity, a family, a goal. I owe you everything," he whispered.
I owed him everything too.
"Is that why you accept all my demands?"
He forced me to look at him. I melted before his eyes shining with tenderness. His fingers ran lightly on my brow, my cheekbone, my nose, the corner of my mouth, and stopped on my chin that he kept in his hand.
"We'll do as you wish, not because I have to but because I love you."
More to come soon.