Thanks to Terzima.
Thanks to kz4valentina and lipamo for your review.
Guest : I do not pretend to know what goes on in the head of Brody, I interpreted some of his reactions in my own way, but it is my feeling, my opinion.I needed to bring closer these two beings although,clearly,this is not possible. *
It took me a long time to write this chapter because my Word processor isn't working properly, the cursor keeps jumping from place to place and it takes me over a minute to write a sentence instead of 10 seconds. I gave up for several days because of that.
We're now back with Brody.
Enjoy your reading!
(I love all these French words in this part!^^)*
(*My own translation).
A New Life
Part 13
"Brody"?
I had to force myself to take my eyes off Frannie. Carrie seemed dazzled, amazed, she showed a lot of gentleness and tenderness and her tears increased my feeling of being loved unconditionally at that very moment. And it was something I wanted to return to her, I wanted her to understand how much I could love her too because now, thanks to her, I was a father again.
She reached her arms out:
"Will you give her to me?"
I apologized to Frannie:
"Mom wants her share."
She was still staring at me, her eyes wide open with curiosity. I was tempted to keep her in my arms but I just planted a kiss on her forehead.
"I'll answer your questions later," I promised.
I placed her in her mother's arms and sat down near them. I put my arm around Carrie's shoulders and watched her light finger follow the little curve of Frannie's eyebrows, then toy with her tiny nose, and outline the shape of her chin.
"She looks like you, don't you think?" she asked me.
And she seemed to love the idea. I was already full of Frannie, her odor, her features. I didn't know whether she looked like me, I just knew she was perfect.
Carrie pulled her bonnet off.
"She'll get cold," I warned.
"Just for a second."
She stroked the thin layer of red hair, smiling endlessly.
"She has such gorgeous hair!" she marveled with emotion.
It was a specific trait that hadn't shown up in my children, and it had reassured me since being a redhead was not always easy; she'd probably be teased at school, however I'd teach her how not to pay attention and be strong. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Carrie put her bonnet back, held her against her and cuddled in my neck while Frannie watched us in turns. It seemed as if she knew us and was just trying to put a face to a voice she had heard from faraway, nestled in the warm womb of her mother. At least, I liked to believe it.
I ran my hands through Carrie's hair, I heard her sigh with delight.
"We did it, we're a family," she whispered.
OoooO
I went around the house to check that everything was ready for them. Then I stood on the front steps, a heavy jacket on my back, a hat on my head, a scarf around my neck, waiting for the women of my life to come back. Saul was supposed to pick them up and deal with some stuff at the same time. I stared at my watch: 1pm. It was still early but whatever, all I could think of was their arrival.
I had visited Carrie and Frannie every day, spent my days with them. Carrie needed to be reassured, she had mood swings and was very tired because she was roused several times at night. She bottle-fed Frannie, she had chosen not to breast-feed her so that she could take her own medication, but I also knew she was scared of it. Yet she felt guilty; I explained it was okay, breastfed or not, Frannie would be fine as long as she ate well.
Every time I had to leave, it broke my heart, and I felt alive again as soon as I returned the following morning. Frannie changed from day to day, I loved giving her bath – Carrie couldn't stand for long – and if she cried because she was cold, I would dress her up quickly with the clothes I had chosen myself. Carrie loved doing her hair – she could spend fifteen minutes on it. We made a good team.
I laughed when Carrie had been confronted to her daughter's first poop, she had almost thrown up.
"I've seen bad stuff, but that's the worst, and that stench!"
So she also let me change Frannie's diapers. They were so tiny, she was so tiny, and I was responsible for her. A heavy responsibility.
The nights here, without her, didn't go smoothly. I had awfully bad dreams: Frannie was snatched from me while we were on a walk, I didn't know by whom or how, I just found myself all alone and unable to find her. I ran around in circles, like a madman, in a sweat, paralyzed, in a panic. I prayed all the gods to bring her back but my prayer was not answered. And then I had to break the news to Carrie…
I sat down to wait more comfortably, impatient, a bit apprehensive. The nightmares reflected my fear. I hoped I would be up to the task, no, I had to be, Carrie counted on me, she had shown the infinite trust she put in me by letting me care about our child.
Our child…
We were bound forever, until the end of our lives. Lives that would be filled with unexpected events because I didn't really know where we were going, all I knew is that we were going there together.
I couldn't help thinking back on my past life, my choices, the terrible mistakes I made that deprived me of all I had. And then love had smiled on
me again, it came by surprise and unhoped for, I wanted to live again thanks to that nonconforming woman who had been tough with me, who had pushed me to my own limits, making me see myself as I really was. And that love had been taken away from me, we had been pulled apart, I had been crushed again and again, with no way to break free, to regain my humanity. Nothing would have saved me, nothing mattered any more –
- until she pulled me up, in her own manner, with honesty, with love, in absolute sacrifice and without warning. I had tried to fight her, refusing to let her sneak back into my heart, only trying to regain my mental health. And then she had broken the news of her pregnancy, I had been so sorry for her –
- until she had made me understood it wasn't a catastrophe, quite the contrary, it was the ultimate proof of her love, of our bond, and not only in misery. She saw me as someone who deserved to be loved, appreciated, and understood.
Frannie was the result of this all.
Of course I thought of my other children, wondering what they did now that they could be assured I wouldn't come around and torment them. The desire to see them was still strong, ever-present, and it slashed my heart constantly.
Surprisingly, the pain was bearable now, but it was still there.
It would never go away.
I stood up, feverish, they were here finally, Saul got out of the car and took the suitcase while I greeted Carrie with a tender kiss. Then I skirted the car to open the back door and get my little gem. She was peacefully asleep; I took the baby car seat and, with Carrie, we walked to the house. Saul left the suitcase at the door and turned to Carrie:
"When do I see you?"
"Yes, we need to arrange something."
I let them talk about work, I went into the kitchen with Frannie after taking off my jacket. I put lunch on the stove to heat and washed my hands to remove the bunting she was wrapped in; she whined a little but didn't wake up. I rearranged the blankets around her and waited for her mom to come back.
When she came in, everything was ready, she just had to sit down and eat. She was a bit pale, clearly exhausted.
"Do you want to take a nap after lunch?"
She glanced at me sideways.
"You're being lucky, Mr Brody, if I weren't that beat, I would have shown you one cannot mess with me."
I held back a smile, I had tricked her only once but she was still holding it against me.
"So? What did you speak about with your boss?"
She diverted her eyes, started to eat. I saw she was uneasy about it, she felt guilty of her obsessive need to go and face danger and leave us behind. I didn't resent it, not at all, but the separations to come scared me.
"When are you leaving?" I insisted, unwillingly creating some tension.
Frannie woke up, breaking up the uneasiness. She watched us have lunch then claimed her food; I had practiced several times, I was efficient: several bottles were waiting in the fridge.
She had gulped it all, I carefully put a towel on my shoulder and walked gently with her in my arms – the gestures came back easily – she took some time to burp, I quietly sang a nursery rhyme while rubbing her back. She spat out some milk and went back to sleep, all under Carrie's shining gaze.
"Are you ok?"
She just smiled, I did too.
"Let's go and put her to bed," I suggested.
She followed me, dragging herself around. On the threshold of the baby's room, I waited for her to join me and let her tuck her daughter into the bed. When she came back, she slipped her arm around mine, we remained there, almost transfixed at this odd sight. We were parents…
"What do we do now?" she asked, concerned.
Frannie was sleeping peacefully, I turned the baby monitor on and held out my hand to Carrie.
"We'll get some sleep too."
Lying against her back, I relaxed, smoothed by her regular breathing and the certainty of their presence. I also needed a rest.
OoooO
Settled on her bath tub seat, Frannie seemed to enjoy the warm water. Sitting on the edge of the tub, I proceeded carefully when I had a sudden flashback: I saw myself giving Dana a bath, with the same rubber ducks, the same pink tub, the same baby lotion smell.
"You have a big sister, you know, sweetheart. Her name's Dana."
Uttering her name was painful. My eyes blurred, Frannie started to cry. She was probably tired.
Carrie, who had just woken up, staggered to the toilets, mumbling indistinctly.
"Did I wake you up, honey?"
She shook her head no, beckoned me to continue what I was doing. She was scarily pale. Once Frannie was in bed, I joined her in the bedroom, she had showered, changed and was taking the sheets off the bed.
"This puerperium is killing me," she grumbled, "and it's far from over apparently."
She dumped the sheets on the ground, took fresh ones, I helped her when I saw her wince.
"I'll do it."
Exhaustion got the better of her, she let me finish the job, leaning against the wall near the window.
"I feel completely drained, you know, Brody."
"I can guess."
"And I don't like it, I'm lucky you're here."
"I told you I'd help you, and Frannie's a little angel."
"For now."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you know – what if – please, look at me!"
"What?" I asked, scrutinizing her.
"What if she is like me?"
"You mean, your condition?"
She nodded, averting her eyes, she was stressed out.
"Imagine, you being in charge of two nutcases?"
I hadn't thought of it. It was kind of freaky actually.
"I'll act accordingly."
"I don't want you to go and buy a newspaper one day and not come back."
"It's too late to warn me, I already love her too much, and I won't leave another of my children behind, it'd kill me."
I knew it when I first set my eyes on my daughter.
She looked down on the floor, saddened.
"I didn't realize what I imposed on you, I mean, about Frannie, I've been very selfish – as usual."
I spread the comforter and rejoined her, took her by the shoulders. I took the time to take deep breaths before answering her.
"Look at me."
I flinched when I saw how scared she looked.
"Look, things are what they are, I don't have all the answers, I don't know the future, we'll have to make do with the cards we've been dealt. And I'm ready."
She scanned me with her piercing eyes, the same eyes she used when she wanted answers.
"All right, so let's make a deal."
"What deal?"
"If things become too difficult to handle, talk about it, don't keep it to yourself and – don't run away."
OoooO
The first night was tough, awakened every three hours, I felt like a zombie the next morning. I sat in the bed for a while despite my daughter's calling but Frannie didn't seem to want to go back to sleep or wait any longer. I was about to get up –
"Wait!"
Carrie had grabbed my hand, she smiled, she looked better.
"Stay in bed, I'll get it."
She hauled herself up into a sitting position and kissed the corner of my mouth.
"Thanks for the good night's rest," she said, putting her robe on.
She trudged away. When Frannie stopped crying, I was able to close my eyes – to wake up in a sweat after that stupid nightmare again. Carrie was there, stroking my cheek, worried.
"You screamed, you called Frannie. How long have you had bad dreams about her?"
I shook my head, unable to respond, still filled with dim anguish. She lay back down against me, placed my face on her breast.
"I'm here, I'm taking care of her, you can let go."
OoooO
One week later, our rhythms were synchronized to take care of the baby.
At times, Carrie was so tired that she could be irritable but I didn't mind, I was tired myself and able to understand. Frannie represented a huge change in our lives, it wasn't easy to find our bearings. Plus we hadn't lived together for long and we were already three, so it was quite insane.
Winter had settled in, I covered Frannie to go on the terrace. She suffered from colic and nothing seemed to relieve her. Carrie had called me for help, on the verge of breaking down. The cool wind surprised her, she gradually stopped crying.
"I know you're in pain sweetheart."
A horrible sensation for a parent to feel helpless when confronted with your child's pain. Back in the living room, I sat on the sofa, Frannie on my belly. She seemed to feel better in that position. She wriggled a little and finally fell asleep. I would have enjoyed to do the same but I feared she would fall. After twenty minutes, I put her back in her cradle.
Carrie was watching TV in our room. At times I caught her dissecting the news, she would systematically turn off the TV when she saw me come in, often in another world, far from me, far from us, for a few seconds. She took notes, spent time on her laptop. The rest of the time she would sleep.
As a confirmation, she turned off the TV and lay down. She was following her treatment, at least that's the impression I had; moreover she had extra medication to stop breast milk production, she complained about side-effects and drawbacks.
"We won't be having sex soon," she groaned, pulling on her t-shirt that suddenly displayed two large wet rings. "I feel so tired and not desirable at all."
She gave up the idea of changing clothes and prepared to sleep.
OoooO
Another week went by.
While we were walking under the weeping willow, she questioned me on my childhood, my life in general, searching for answers. I opened up the doors to my past, the past she didn't know. With her, it was easy to show your true colors.
Days went by, similar without really being the same because Frannie changed every day, became more alert, more attentive, more curious. When there was a lock of hair close to her fingers, she would pull on it instinctively, she closed her hand so tightly that it was hard to set yourself free, and Carrie often suffered the consequences.
She liked to sit in the rocking chair sometimes, watching Frannie dubiously.
"Why doesn't she ever smile to us?" she asked me one morning.
"It's still a bit early. Be patient."
She frowned.
"She's a stranger to me, I can't communicate with her."
She looked at me with worried eyes. I didn't know what to say.
"The midwives gave me lots of advice, lots of books – "
Indeed there were a lot of brochures on her night table!
"—but in the end, we're on our own, and the smallest mistake can take terrible proportions and they'll point their fingers at us."
I kneeled near them.
"You learn to be a parent," I tried my best to reassure her, "and you never really stop learning, you know."
"Not very appealing."
Her candidness made me laugh.
"You're wrong. Believe me."
OoooO
One month later.
Frannie had had her first vaccines, her second medical check-up. Everything was fine yet I didn't feel well.
I thought about it and found out why: the day when Carrie was supposed to leave was fast-approaching – she had finally given me a date.
I had prepared breakfast, washed the dishes of the previous day, and was staring at the sink without seeing it. I had a knot in my stomach, a big one. Anxiety was creeping over me, I felt it. Frannie made a sound, I wiped my hands and lifted her from her chair.
"What about a walk?"
I covered her up in warm clothes, winter wasn't over, spring was late. I arranged her in the baby carrier, and she snuggled up against me.
I left a note on the table for Carrie, and we set off with no definite objective.
It was still early. I started quickly to walk up the two paths. The cool air had a positive effect on me, I slowed down, watching the houses along the way. They were disparate, some as old as ours, others very modern, the contrast was startling. I came across an old man with a beret on his head and a baguette under his arm. The ultimate cliché. He nodded and walked away.
When I gave Frannie a glance I saw she was very attentive to what surrounded her. The look of concentration on her face reminded me of her mother. I couldn't help but smile.
It was a good idea to go out.
In the center of the village, I walked into the already crowded bakery. That habit of eating bread and viennoiserie at all times was really odd. Carrie had tried the chouquettes we had bought out of curiosity, and now she loved them. When the lady saw me, she prepared a whole bag of them right away, she knew me well now. She marveled at Frannie which drew the attention of the other customers. I didn't understand much of what was said but she had a lot of success.
On the way back, she fell asleep, tired by all her adventures.
"There're so many things to see, you know, sweetheart, I hope one day you'll be able to discover the world without me being a hindrance or a cause of distress."
OoooO
Ten days went by and then it was time for her to go. She was so involved in her preparations that she forgot about us. It was hard for me to remain serene, fortunately Frannie required my constant attention and it kept my suffering mind busy.
The night before, Carrie surprised me in bed in a suggestive nightdress.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
Her only answer was to undress completely, and lie there in a lascivious pose. However I sensed her hesitation while I scanned her with desire. Her body had changed, it was slowly recovering from the transformation.
"So do you still like what you see?"
She needed to be reassured.
"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed, throwing myself on her.
When the decisive moment came, I acted with extreme gentleness yet I saw her wince.
"It hurts," I regretted.
"Go on," she commanded, clutching my hips and kissing me passionately.
I did my best not to get carried away, slowly things went back to normal. It was different, tender, intensely carnal. While we were joined, Frannie requested some attention through the baby monitor. Carrie tried to keep us into our own bubble, but to no avail, it was all over.
"So this is going to be our life from now on?" she complained ostentatiously.
I smiled, half amused, half disappointed. I rubbed my nose against hers, my mouth brushed hers, and I had to leave the warmth of her private paradise.
"For a while, yes…"
She started to get up.
"I'll get it."
"No, stay in bed," I ordered, "won't be long."
"I'll be waiting then."
When I came back, she was asleep and I didn't have the heart to rouse her. Frannie woke me up only once that night, as if she sensed I needed to spend some time with her mother.
At daybreak, I woke up with a start, panicked when I didn't see Carrie in the bed. Her suitcase was gone too.
Tell me you haven't -
"CARRIE!"
Instinctively I went into the baby's room. They were there, both of them, in the rocking chair again. The grip on my heart loosened. When I came in, she didn't even glance at me, focused on Frannie, her face covered in tears. My hand on her shoulder, I kneeled down, overwhelmed with sadness.
"I know it's hard, love."
She turned her face to me, and it was full of joy despite the tears, which baffled me.
"I was saying goodbye to her, telling her I love her, that I'd be back soon, and that she'd have to take care of her daddy so that he's not unhappy while I'm gone and then – "
Her laugh sounded like a sob.
"—she smiled at me."
More to come when I can. It will be the last chapter from Brody's point of view.