Thanks to Terzima

Thanks to kz4valentina and lipamo

This last chapter was not easy to write. I wanted to address different matters but it will finally be in the epilogue.

We're staying with Brody.

Enjoy your reading!

A New Life

Part 14

One month later

It was beginning of April and the weather was mild, it smelled of spring. The trees were budding, some blooming, sometimes I would stay several minutes near one because it was of high interest for Frannie. She was in a phase of intense discovery and caught everything that came within her reach. When I changed her, and kissed her because she had been a good girl, she would try and grab my cheek, my chin or my nose and smile at me, delighted by her catch.

I loved seeing her smile, and I did all I could for her to: I made funny faces, rolled my eyes. These were unique moments and they prevented me from drowning into melancholy after Carrie was gone. Nights were lonely, she woke me up more than once a night. Sometimes I stayed in the rocking-chair and could easily spend the night there. I avoided keeping her in my arms to lull her to sleep even though it was tempting. I systematically put her back into her crib and sang her lullabies to calm her, she would always watched her mobile for a long time, fighting sleep but not succeeding.

I'd had to sort out her clothes once, she was growing up fast, she already wore a size 6-months. We seldom drove out, except for medical checkups and some errands.

We walked across the departments of supermarket; sitting in the baby carrier, her back against me, she reveled in the hustle and bustle, didn't know where to look. I felt immensely proud because she attracted attention and smiles.

I was happy she had come into my life. I was happy to be her father. I was happy to have survived the worst because it had allowed me to know her.

After getting some stuff for the house, including several packs of water, I went to the baby section to get baby milk, diapers and wipes. I stopped before the jars of baby food, didn't know what to choose since I would soon move on to the next stage and introduce fruit in her diet. An experienced mom – she was quick in picking up the jars she needed – smiled when she saw I was at a loss and gave me some advice. Since I didn't understand, she showed the apple jars and also the banana ones. I thanked her and followed her advice.

I was also careful to stay reasonable in the way I spent the money that wasn't mine even though Carrie said it was.

"I work for the three of us and this idea makes me happy, so you'll have to put your manly pride aside," she had admonished me on her last call.

I knew how to control myself but I could never resist buying a new cuddly toy for my daughter. As a result, I was stuck again before the large array of toys and another mom recommended a little plastic giraffe. She pointed at Frannie's mouth and I understood she was referring to the teeth that were already bothering her.

Truly enough, back home and freshly sterilized, the giraffe went through rough times: it squeaked, chewed on furiously and squeezed non-stop by Frannie.

OoooO

Once in a while, I received a call from Carrie on the landline telephone. I knew it was her since she let it ring two times, hung up and called again. I could easily spend an hour with her, we would never mention her work, she just wanted to know how we were doing. Then she said she loved me and I said I loved her too and we hung up.

I felt lonely since she'd left despite the presence of my little love; I missed adult talks. Sometimes I came across my neighbors but the interaction was limited since my French was sparse and so was their English. There was a small park where I often went and sometimes I would meet with Nadège, a young mom who was able to converse more easily with me. Her daughter was five years old, she loved hugging Frannie who seemed to enjoy it too. I talked about Carrie and she would talk about her husband who was also away. In the end, we lived the same life except that she didn't have to hide and she wasn't in exile. Despite its shortcomings, I missed my country and on certain days, I dreamed of going back there.

OoooO

Mid-April, Frannie celebrated her fourth month.

I had laid an activity gym – with jungle animals hanging from two arches – in the living room; lying on her back, she tried to catch what was of interest to her. Sophie the giraffe had been put aside, it would last until Frannie tired of the new toys that she saw. Once in a while, she was able to turn around on her belly. The first time, it had been such a big surprise for her that she had cried but seeing how enthusiastic I was, she had stopped crying and focused on her new options. I marveled every time she showed some progress, congratulated her warmly, and she babbled in return.

I had experienced the same moments in another life, yet it felt like the first time.

Now I told myself that my children were the reason for my existence on this Earth. Carrie had been right to push me into accepting this new life. I started to see the real me, Nicholas, coming back, as I was before war and hatred poisoned my heart and stole my humanity.

OoooO

One week later, I tried a baby food jar for the first time in the afternoon. Seated in her chair, Frannie seemed interested when she saw the spoon. The first mouthful was not an easy matter, she made a disapproving grimace and spat everything out on her bib. I made another attempt, she accepted again, frowned and spat out the food, more violently this time, and my face became a field of dripping apple compote.

"Frannie!" I scolded.

She laughed out loud, and it was impossible to remain angry, so I laughed with her.

"I see one's having fun here."

My heart fell to the ground. I straightened up quickly, and remained still as a statue, waiting for Carrie to join me. Leaning on the wall of the entrance to the kitchen, she was like a heavenly apparition. She put her bag on the floor and finally walked up to me, grabbing a towel on the way. I stared at her while she gently cleaned my face, a mocking smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

"She's giving you a hard time?"

"Like her mother," I shot back.

She heard the gibe, erased her smile, stopped her hand.

"You're not happy I'm back?"

Her absence had hurt me, that's why I was a bit blunt, but what was the point? She was here, and it was the most important. She waited anxiously for an answer. She looked prettier than ever. I stroked her cheek, brushed her lower lip with my thumb. She leaned towards me, expecting something that took too long to come.

"I'll finish with her food, go to the room and get some rest, I'll be right there."

She didn't protest, disappointed, and bent over Frannie to give her a kiss.

"Hi sweetheart, I'm home, I hope you've been a good girl to daddy?"

Frannie watched her intently, puzzled. Carrie's smile faded a little.

"Honey, it's – mom." The word came out hesitantly.

No smile in return. Carrie tried to lift her, Frannie started crying. She put her back down right away, white as a sheet. I tried to reassure her but she turned away briskly.

"I'll go have a shower."

I made no move to change her mind, I was helpless. I heard her heavy step going up the stairs, dragging her suitcase behind her. Frannie had stopped crying, she was watching me with shiny eyes, probably expecting me to take her in my arms, which I did.

Twenty minutes later, she was asleep with a full stomach; I had some thirty minutes before me. In the bedroom, Carrie was in her underwear and brushing her wet hair in front of the full-length mirror. Her figure was more slender, only her hips showed she'd just had a baby. I saw in the mirror the reflection of her upset face, she'd been crying and it broke my heart. I stood behind her and stared at her through the mirror. She questioned me silently.

"She hasn't forgotten you, she won't, ever, and I won't either, we missed you, I missed you."

I made her turn around toward me and kissed her with fury, she was receptive, which increased my brutality: I wanted her to know how much I had suffered from her absence. I forced her to step backward to wedge her against the wall, I bared her breast and slipped my hand into her panties. She didn't seem surprised by my eagerness, she was impatient herself to undress me. Then everything turned into a blur, I could only make out her moans which became screams as I lost myself inside her without the slightest restraint. A flash of lucidity made me try to muffle her screams but she didn't let me, shook my hand off to fully express her pleasure, seized my neck, her head bent back, she wrapped her legs around my hips. I almost lost my balance, the wall held us back. I possessed her body and her soul and felt almighty when she abandoned herself in my arms and her thighs tensed, transmitting the intensity of her orgasm that triggered mine.

Only five minutes had gone by, five minutes! I put my clothes back on, feeling miserable.

"Well, I'll go have another shower," she laughed, readjusting her underwear.

She realized I was silent, I was sitting on the edge of the bed, down.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She sat by my side, put her arm around my shoulder.

"Talk to me, I can't always guess what's bothering you."

"Usually, you can though," I couldn't help protesting.

"Yeah, but right now, my brain is numb, but I don't mind, I love it when we fuck."

I didn't like the word, she saw it on my face.

"What? Isn't it what we just did?"

"No, it's not."

"Of course it is, and I loved it, it's been so long; when I was pregnant, you would hardly touch me. I didn't feel very desirable."

"You were, you still are, you have no idea how much, I daydreamed of you all the time these past several days."

She kneeled down around me, wrapping her arms around my neck. We were facing each other, our eyes locked, there was no room for secrecy. I scanned her face, I knew it by heart, and emotion overwhelmed me before her gaze filled with trust and gentleness.

"Happy to be the object of your fantasies."

"If I'm crazy about you, it's not only for your body," I corrected.

"That's not what my sore body's telling me," she smiled playfully, "five minutes longer against that wall and I'd have ended up on temporary layoff."

"You're making fun of me," I sighed.

"Yes, I love seeing you embarrassed, it's so easy to do."

"If I didn't need some time of recovery, I would have made you taste more of that wall."

"All talk, I'd like to – "

I pushed her down on the bed, toppled with her. She was under me, her eyes wide with surprise. On top of her, I couldn't take my eyes off her. She made me so happy, her simple presence soothed me, made me feel complete. She stroked my cheek. I closed my eyes and put my forehead on hers.

"I came back sooner because I missed you terribly," she confided. "And I heard you did too, in your voice, each time I called you."

A weight lifted from my heart, she understood my torments.

"I don't want to be a cause of sorrow for you, I can't take it. That's why I'm trying to find a way to bring you both back to the US."

I whipped my head up to watch her.

"Yes, you heard me, that's my goal, I don't know how long it'll take but we'll make it."

She had that determined look on her face that I was sometimes wary of. This time, I trusted it.

"I knew you'd like the idea."

"And how will you do that?"

Frannie made herself heard.

"We'll talk later, I'd like us to go out with Frannie."

"Where to?"

"Paris."

OoooO

We were strolling on the Champs Elysées. If Frannie had a lot to watch, I did too and didn't know where to look. She was wrapped up warmly, nestled comfortably in her buggy. Carrie had slipped her arm into mine and followed my pace, her head resting on my shoulder. She had swapped her gray suit for a short, black belted dress. The belt of her beige trench coat was knotted around her waist, underlining it, and her hair was tied up in a loose bun. She had made her face up carefully, she was like a model in a fashion magazine.

The three of us, freely walking around the streets of Paris. It was like a miracle, I couldn't believe how lucky I was.

"I'm getting hungry."

"Quinn's mentioned a place where they make great hot-dogs."

I tensed when I heard the name.

"You're friends again?"

She gazed at me, impassive.

"Let's say that we put the cards on the table."

What kind of cards? I wondered.

"Yeah, right."

"You're jealous?"

"Don't play that game."

Bye bye serenity.

"I'm not playing any game," she said, puzzled. "I'm just asking you a question."

"I'm not jealous, only careful."

"So no hot-dog?"

"No hot-dog," I confirmed.

"All right, I saw a McDonald's' on the way, you want to walk back there or take the subway?"

"No subway, thanks. People are crazy here. I'd rather walk."

Seated at a table among a few other customers, we ate in peace and quiet , Frannie was asleep. Carrie rummaged in her purse and withdrew an envelope she put on the table.

"Happy birthday," she said.

"My birthday has already passed, and I told you –"

"Yeah, I know, none of that between us, and I agreed, but – listen, I celebrated my 35th birthday far from both of you and I understood I wanted all that stupid stuff. Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, family vacations… I want all of it!"

I stared at her, bewildered, not knowing how to react to such flip-flop.

"I yearn for family monotony with you."

I sought for the slightest hint of a joke but she couldn't be more sincere.

"Why that change?"

"You're responsible for it."

"You were gone a month, how can I be responsible for it?"

"It was before I left, seeing you taking care of Frannie gave me a foretaste of what could be true happiness."

"So why did you leave?"

I needed to vent. She took the blow, averted her eyes, it was often what she did when she couldn't handle properly her emotions, or when she was hurt.

"You're being unfair."

"Answer me."

"You know the reason."

"Tell me."

"I was scared –"

There we were. I waited patiently for her to continue.

"- scared of remaining passive while our country was taking horrible blows, it felt like betraying my father, my sister and nieces."

I could understand.

"I was also scared not to be up to the task as a mother and fall back into a depressive phase –"

That I could also understand.

"But mainly, I was scared you'd realize you were being shortchanged by burdening yourself with a family of nutcases."

And it killed her.

"How can you believe something like that? We talked about it more than once!"

"You have no idea –" Her voice broke off. "You have no idea what's in store for you."

She swallowed her tears and stood up.

"I'll go get some fresh air."

She pushed the envelope near my hand.

"Open it."

I didn't think of holding her back, focused on the envelope. I wondered what was inside, my heart beating faster.

Why wait, open it you stupid.

There were photographs inside. My chest tightened, I tried to breathe correctly; blinded by tears, my eyes saw a blurred image of Dana. I wiped my eyes to gaze at the smile on my daughter's lips who was walking down a street hand in hand with a young man. She looked good, seemed to have regained some weight. Her hair was shorter and darker. I forced myself to take a new picture, it was her again, in close-up, and I took delight in looking at her. I can't tell how long it was before I proceeded to the next picture. She was with Chris in a fast-food restaurant, he had changed too, his hair was longer; sitting opposite each other, they were chatting. There was a last photo, I was a bit reluctant to look at it, I knew that this feeling of fulfillment would be short-lived, that after, it might be hard to get over it.

My heart missed a beat, I recognized the pic, it was from almost two years ago, when I was still with Jess. It was the four of us, close to one another, in chaotic positions but always filled with love.

I was gone, I was over there…

Something took me out of my memories. Frannie was crying, I quickly put the photos away and leaned over her. She was reaching her arms out to me, willingly or not, I could not resist the drive to take her in my arms. Maybe she was a little hot, I uncovered her and searched the bag for some water. While she was drinking, concentrated on my face, I felt better, the weight on my heart had lessened.

My gaze shifted toward the window a few feet away, Carrie was staring at me, and had been doing so for a while, I guessed. It was windy and rainy outside, yet she was stock-still, like a sentinel standing guard. I sensed her anxiety, it was palpable even from where I was. I put down the empty bottle, walked toward her instinctively, Frannie still in my arm, and pushed the entrance door open. I jammed the door with my foot and held out my arm to grab Carrie. She accepted to get in and I drew her against me with my free arm, ignoring the way people stared at us. She was drenched, shaking like a leaf, she hid in my neck. She was so fragile sometimes. She was at that very moment. I kissed the top of her head while whispering a thank you filled with love.

"You want to go home?" I offered.

She nodded without a word.

OoooO

Before going to bed, Carrie went downstairs to get something. She came back with the bag she had left in the kitchen when she arrived. Inside, there was a large, empty photo frame. I smiled endlessly. I proceeded to remove it from its packaging and to place every picture in the vacant apertures. I mixed the pictures of Frannie that had been taken at the maternity ward and those of Carrie's family that she kept in the drawer of her bedside table. It formed a harmonious and reassuring combination. I held it in front of us.

"That's a nice family we have here, don't you think?"

"A beautiful family, yes," she agreed, unmistakable happiness showing on her face.

More to come when I can. It will be the epilogue.