She had told him it was worth the risk. She had told him that he should risk his life by going into Mount Weather. She had told him she was being weak when she said she couldn't lose him like she lost Finn. She basically told him she didn't care about him.
At least, that's what it seemed like to Clarke. She held down the regret in her throat like the alcohol she just chugged to keep the alliance strong. Clarke kept her distance from Bellamy on the way back to camp despite his many attempts to get her attention.
She didn't like shutting him out, but sometimes she had to do things she didn't like for the better of everyone else.
Clarke heard a voice calling her name, but she couldn't shut it out like Bellamy's because it wasn't Bellamy's voice. Raven walked up next to her, and Clarke could feel the people around her tense and start to walk slower to give the girls some space as they reentered Camp Jaha.
Clarke broke the two days of awkwardness between them. "I'm surprised they didn't take you out on a stretcher."
Raven snorted. "Surprised? Clarke, I'm missing some skin off my arms and neck. Nothing compared to what Gustus went through; what Finn would've gone through," she added quietly.
They stopped outside the medical tent. Clarke put a hand on Raven's shoulder. "We'll talk after my mom fixes you up, okay? I'll be in my tent."
Raven just nodded, and Clarke was thankful she was finally getting somewhere with her. Walking back to her tent, the true regret of what she told Bellamy finally hit Clarke. She expected him to be planning with Lincoln about how to get into Mount Weather. She did not, however, expect him to be waiting for her in her tent.
He stood up when she walked in. "What the hell was that back there?" He asked angrily.
Clarke took her jacket off. "It worked, didn't it?" She snapped back.
"Yeah, and what if it didn't? I don't think I've ever met anyone with a bigger death wish than you."
All the regret Clarke just had quickly vanished. Bellamy was being difficult just for the sake of being difficult. He was being his old, stubborn self, and Clarke wasn't going to deal with it now. They needed to be on the same page, and Clarke quickly came up with the decision of not backing down for the sake of her people.
"Don't give me that 'what if' bullshit, Bellamy. You should be strategizing with Lincoln not ripping on me for saving Raven and this alliance."
"You really want to take that risk?" He challenged.
Clarke threw her hands up. "I already told you I did, Bellamy!"
Bellamy ran a hand through his hair. "Right. You were 'being weak' before," he said, quoting Clarke.
"Yes, I was. You're the one who suggested this in the first place, Bellamy, don't forget that. You're a coward if you back out now."
They were standing face to face now. Clarke's arms were crossed, her cheeks red with anger. Bellamy was frowning with furrowed eyebrows.
"Listen here, princess," Bellamy started, words laced with poison.
That crossed the line for Clarke. Red instantly flashed in her eyes, taking her back to Finn's death. She poked her finger into Bellamy's chest. "Don't ever call me that." Clarke spoke low and serious.
Bellamy was taken completely by surprise, but before he could question Clarke, Raven poked her head through the tent. "Hey Clarke – Oh, sorry, should I come back?" She questioned awkwardly when she saw the glares she was getting.
Clarke came back to Earth and cleared her throat. "No, it's fine," she said completely unconvincingly.
"Really, Clarke?" Bellamy asked, feeling defeated and drained.
"You should go find Lincoln. We can't waste any more time."
"Fine," he agreed, "but I'm not leaving this camp without an explanation and a proper goodbye."
He pushed past both Clarke and Raven, making sure they both knew how pissed off he was. Clarke sat down on her cot and rested her elbows on her knees.
"Everything alright?" Raven asked hesitantly.
"No," Clarke admitted. "But when has anything been alright down here? How are you feeling?"
"I've had better days," Raven responded. "Listen, Clarke, I can't forgive you for what you did to Finn. I don't know if I ever will be able to, but I do understand why you did it."
To say that Clarke was shocked was an understatement. "You do?"
Raven nodded. "Watching Gustus die like that…," she paused. "I just couldn't stop thinking about what they would've done to Finn."
"I don't expect you to forgive me, Raven. I can't even forgive myself, but the only thing we can do now is get our friends out of Mount Weather. You and I both know that that's what Finn wanted."
Raven wiped a tear out of her eye and smiled. "Agreed. Also, sorry for almost ripping your head off that night."
"Hey, I would've done the same thing," Clarke said.
Raven chuckled. "Are you going to come see Bellamy and Lincoln off with the rest of us?"
"Um, yeah," Clarke hesitated. "You go on, though, I'll catch up with you in a little bit."
"Hey, you heard what Bellamy said about a 'proper goodbye'," Raven joked, nudging Clarke.
Clarke just nodded, feeling almost on the verge of tears. Everything was so messed up. She wanted Bellamy to leave because it was the only way they could get into Mount Weather, and not to mention the fact that she was quite pissed off with him at the moment. At the same time, the thought of letting him go and possibly never seeing him again made her insides churn. While Clarke was caught up in these thoughts, she didn't see Raven leave her tent
"Hey, Raven?" Clarke called, hoping she didn't get too far.
A moment later, Raven popped her head back in. "Yeah?"
"Before I - Well, before Finn died," she caught herself, "he wanted me to tell you that he'll always love you. He said that you'll always be more than family to him."
Clarke didn't want to have to lie to Raven, but this could be the only way to get her to move on.
Raven smiled, and Clarke could almost see the weight of the world come off her shoulders. "Thanks for letting me know," she said simply.
When Raven left Clarke alone in her tent, Clarke took a couple of deep breaths. As much as she loved Bellamy, she had to push that aside and be strong for her people.
Apparently, she couldn't catch a break. The second she stepped out of her tent, Murphy was right there next to her.
"Were you just listening to our conversation?" Clarke accused
Murphy shrugged. "I thought maybe I'd get to see a good, old-fashioned catfight."
"Not in the mood, Murphy."
"Are you ever in the mood, princess?" Clarke cringed at the word but kept walking. "I know you still blame me for this mess, and I really don't care."
"But?" Clarke pressed.
"Why'd you lie to Raven just now?"
She scoffed. "What makes you think I lied to her?"
"Come on, Clarke, Finn loved you. He only loved you, and if he knew that you were going to kill him in order to save him, he would make sure you knew that he loved you. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty."
"A little late for that, isn't it?" Clarke asked rhetorically. "Anyway, we need Raven on our side when we go against Mount Weather. We won't win without her, so we need her focused."
"Looks to me like you're digging yourself into a growing hole," Murphy pointed out as the two approached the gates of Camp Jaha.
Clarke caught a glimpse of Bellamy and Lincoln around a group of people saying goodbye to them. "Yeah, well, I really don't care what it looks like to you, Murphy. What's done is done."
Murphy held his hands up in surrender. "I just thought I should let you know so that you don't keep lying to Bellamy, either."
Before Clarke could punch him in the face, Murphy turned and walked away, opting out of the goodbyes.
Clarke felt it wasn't any of Murphy's business what she did or didn't tell Bellamy or anybody else for that matter. It was her problem, and she would have to deal with it alone now. She walked over to a table and sat down figuring that Bellamy would find her before he left if he wanted to.
Sure enough, five minutes later, Bellamy walked up to the table Clarke was at. Seeing the look on her face, Bellamy dropped his stuff on the ground and sat across from her.
"Clarke, I'm sorry about-" he started.
"Don't," Clarke cut him off. "Don't apologize."
"I can't leave here knowing that you're pissed off at me. We both know what could happen if something goes wrong."
Clarke needed to stay focused on the plan or else she was going to fall apart and never let him leave. "That's why you're going to make sure nothing goes wrong. Otherwise, our friends will die."
Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows. "God, Clarke, this isn't just about our friends," he argued.
"It is only about them," Clarke emphasized. "It is only about them and only about keeping them alive."
Bellamy shook his head as Lincoln came up to the two of them. "Hey, Bellamy, I don't want to interrupt, but we should get going."
Clarke quickly stood up. "Yeah, you guys should." Bellamy hesitantly stood up. He pulled Clarke into his arms, but she pulled out of the hug right away. Her heart was breaking, but she forced a hard smile. "Be careful and don't forget the plan."
Bellamy saw past her bullshit. "I love you, okay? I don't care how mad you are at me, but you have to know that. I love you," Bellamy explained.
Clarke just nodded and tried not to look at him. She turned to Lincoln and pulled him in for a quick hug. "Look out for him, please," she begged Lincoln quietly so only he could hear.
Lincoln heard the way her voice cracked and agreed understandingly.
Clarke stood back and watched Bellamy and Lincoln walk out of Camp Jaha not knowing whether she'd ever see them again. Looking at Bellamy, Clarke regretted not telling him how much she cared about him. She regretted it all.