I don't own SnK
"The mystery of it I recall
Suddenly the truth will change the way we fall
I didn't wanna hurt you, hope you know
Empty promises, shattered dreams of love"
-Glassy Sky by Donna Burke (Tokyo Ghoul)
~Chapter Nineteen: A Will to Carry Out~
He couldn't breathe.
It was as if the air in the place was sucked out and there was not even a thin string of oxygen that could keep him on his ground. It was as if his heart had overexerted itself from pumping too fast. Why would it beat that fast? Was it because he was afraid?
Yeah, Eren was damn afraid. Because right before his eyes was the man that killed his mother.
Because he remembered everything now.
His memories came in as a surge, almost knocking him down, and he did stagger a bit. His green eyes fell upon that familiar face, the same one that he saw when he was tittering between life and death—the same face that he last saw before he shut everything down.
He was right there, just within his grasp, and it made him feel sick. He figured out what was the reason why he couldn't breathe; it was because he couldn't stand the fact that he was breathing the same air as this man was.
"Are you alright, Eren?" Levi asked him, snapping out of his trance and averting his eyes off the man who was now beginning to look at him curiously as if he just noticed his presence. It brought him to that glaring reality that this man was Levi's uncle, an Ackerman.
Shit. He hoped that Mikasa had no knowledge about this man.
"I-I'm… I just need to get some air," he told the raven in a stuttered rush and he quickly turned to his heels, not bothering to see Levi's reaction or even hear his reply. His temple was painfully throbbing now—once faint but now he was feeling a terrible headache coming down. He weaved past tables and waiters before he threw the entrance door open and briskly walked to a nearby isolated area.
He leaned against a wall, hand coming up to rest upon his chest right above where his heart was, and tried to even his breaths. He could hear the flood of blood against his ears like it was drowning him from inside; he could no longer hear or feel anything. He was unaware of the horrible spasms that his whole body was going through, and even if he saw his hand shake terribly, his mind didn't process it. He felt lightheaded as if nothing was anchoring him on the ground anymore, as if he had no reason to even be here right now. He could only see that face of the same man that he had been trying to hunt down since the day he found out about the truth behind Carla Jaeger's car accident.
"Aarrghhh!"
A ringing pierced through his ears, silencing the erratic beating that his heart was making, and he gripped his ears. His vision blurred and for a moment, he felt like the world tilted upside down. He fell on the rough earth before he knew it; his back was arched on the wall, almost bumping his head. Pain contorted his face, agony written all over him. He clenched his fists on his lap, half-conscious that they were cold but perspiring like crazy. His labored breathing was the only indication that he was alive, and he blindly wished that he could end this excruciating pain right now.
His eyes were almost closed but he could see in the gaps that his vision was starting to refocus. He tried to soothe himself off the nerves that were rattling inside him, his head that was pounding torturously, and the trembling that went through his body. He didn't know for how long he had sat there, trying to calm himself, because there was nothing that his mind was processing at the moment.
"AAARGGGHHHH!"
Another convulsion wracked his body and he clutched his head, coming in contact with his own sweat that was dripping down his forehead. The ringing was almost as twice as piercing this time. His tears burst and poured out like a broken dam and he had to stifle his sob.
"What do you want for your birthday?"
The teen looked at his mom, fiddling with his seatbelt and bobbing his head with the music that reverberated in the car. His eyes were sparkling with wonder and innocence as he smiled cheekily to her.
[He could feel his heart breaking. He could finally remember what his mom looked like before he had last seen her. He could finally see her smile again].
"Mmm, I want to go to that aquarium! Mikasa, Armin and I have been planning to go there but the tickets are mad expensive," he said the last part sheepishly.
The dark-haired woman laughed, eyes spared half a second to glance at her son before she turned them back to the front. She stopped at a red light, and the brunet thought that the streets looked eerily empty.
"Okay, okay. We'll all go there, then," she told him and the boy grinned widely.
He leaned to his mom and kissed her cheek, the safety belt across his body straining him a bit. He sat back down and said, "Thanks, Mom! You're the best, really."
"Yeah, yeah." Carla giggled and she stepped on the gas slowly as the light turned vibrant green in the dark night.
[They could've gone to the aquarium together. He would've had enjoyed the sea creatures that he and his childhood friends loved. That would have been the best birthday gift ever].
Eren looked outside the window, chin was propped on his palm, and his eyes followed the shadows of houses and stores as they zoomed by.
"This neighborhood feels so…strangely quiet," he mused, scrunching his nose.
"You're forgetting that it's already one in the morning," his mom reminded him. It was indeed past one and the brunet yawned like he hadn't known how tired he was until he saw the time.
"The hospital was crazy tonight, right?" he said as he stretched out his arms, knuckles hitting the ceiling of the car. He really did have long limbs.
"You shouldn't have come, Eren. Good thing that you don't have school tomorrow," Carla reprimanded him.
"But I wanted to go with you, Mom. I'd rather stay with you while you're tending the patients than stay home alone."
"Oh, God. You really are not normal for your own age—"
"Ugh, mom!"
"—but what I'm saying is, I'm a nurse, Eren. I will have overtime and an overload of work again in the future. I'm not telling you to have a secret party and wreck our house—"
"C'mon, you know I wouldn't do that."
"—pfft, yeah right." He forgot how his mom knew him so well and how she could successfully make fun of Eren. "You should invite Mikasa and Armin and watch movies. You're not even interested in medicine; your art is like your life."
Eren blinked then pondered about it. Yes, he did show a bit of interest in becoming a doctor before because his dad was once one, but he was more inclined to art now. Last year, his mom bought him a drawing tablet and it became his pastime, sometimes consuming all his time and his mom needed to peel away the device off his hands.
"That's true…" he agreed slowly.
"By the way, you didn't happen to be snooping around your dad's study room, did you?" His mom suddenly asked him and he looked at her and furrowed his eyebrows.
"No, why would I?"
"I saw his drawer opened this morning. Your dad was a very meticulous person, always organizing his things that sometimes his OCD drove me crazy." She laughed and patted Eren's head.
"Oh!" He started. "I was looking for the stapler this morning and ended up using dad's."
"Oh, Eren. You didn't happen to move some stuff of his, right?" He caught a strange nervous edge on her tone but chose to ignore it.
"Well, I did see a strange safe but you told me many times not to touch anything so I did not," he told her honestly. He heard her sigh and he briefly wondered what could be inside of that silver box, which accidentally revealed itself to him when he somehow pressed a hidden button underneath the desk. He didn't know why would his dad be all-secretive, but his profession was quite something that should be confidential, so he assumed that there could only be important documents there.
[The safe. There was a safe. Eren clutched the key pressed upon his chest and gripped it in his hand. There was something—].
"Eren—"
A blinding flash of lights prompted Eren to scream. Then, a loud crash.
He thought he heard his head crack against the windowpane.
And then he blacked out.
There were shuffling and muffled noises and Eren didn't know for how long had he been lying there, with dried tears on his cheeks and his eyes red-rimmed. His mind had been functioning nonstop, laying all his memories bare to him.
"Eren."
His head snapped, abruptly leaning away from the wall that he rested upon for God-knows-how-long. He definitely heard Levi's voice. He definitely heard him calling out to him and he sounded worried as sick.
And it was tearing Eren apart.
He knew that the chance of the raven finding him was slim to none because Levi knew that the brunet was never a fan of dirty and pissed-smell alleys. But then again, Levi was someone who could be thorough and if his worries were clouding his mind to the point that he couldn't even think properly right now, then he could even start looking for Eren in the trash bins. And the tortured man knew that it was time to get out of there.
His heart was set in an even pace now and the ringing in his ears were gone. However, he felt numb. He was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted and the thought of Levi was ripping him from the inside.
He wanted his lover to find him, console him and tell him that everything was going to be alright, because right now that was all Eren wanted. He just wished that he could believe something right now even if it was a lie. He just wished that Levi's presence was enough to drown everything else away and to appear that there were just the two of them—such a beautiful dream that he wanted to hold onto right now.
He wished that the world wasn't so against them right now. What the fuck happened to Fate and all her binding wishes? Is this some kind of a sick joke she's playing at us?
Eren was torn between running after Levi and telling him everything about his mother, about his uncle, about his part-amnesia, and just how much everything hurt right now. But the fact that the reality could really break the both of them was enough for the brunet to stand back down and hold all the pain in his chest all alone.
If Levi were to find out about what happened to his mom and his almost-death experience, he would be devastated. Then, knowing that the only family member who had taken care of him, the one who took him in after his parents died, the one who was there for him as his guardian even though he didn't do a good job on it, was the one who killed Eren's mother—it would break Levi. And that was one thing that Eren couldn't do to him. He acted upon his feelings and dared to believe that there was Fate—that there could be an auspicious road ahead of them. He fell in love with Levi—and irreversibly at that, he laughed—without knowing what were the consequences of doing so. He was the one who roped Levi into this terrible situation…
It hurts… It really hurts.
It wasn't long after he felt his little device digging on his arse and he pulled back to get it from his pocket. It was already ten thirty and there were thirteen missed calls from Levi alone. I made him worry about me again, he thought as he let out a broken laugh. He considered his options right there. He could call Levi and tell him that he went home early because he suddenly felt ill but that would mean that he wouldn't be able to hold his own emotions from surging and that was what he needed to prevent from happening the most. He could also just leave the matter alone, tell his boyfriend that his phone died, but the guilt was almost as intense as his previous emotion was; Levi didn't deserve to get lied to. So, he resorted to a text message.
Eren: I'm sorry, I suddenly felt sick and I couldn't hold it in. I caught a taxi and currently on my way to Mikasa's.
It wasn't a lie. But he didn't tell him the whole truth either. That, and he was on his way to do the last part of that text.
There was one person who knew something about his partial amnesia, and she was the one that he needed to see the most right now.
"Sit."
It sounded like a command and Eren was too tired to argue even if his nature was telling him to not comply and disobey the blatant order.
"Now, talk," Mikasa told him in a sharp tone.
He couldn't directly look at her, but he knew that she was scrutinizing his disheveled look and the fact that his eyes were red. He clasped his fingers on the table and he was glad that Mikasa's parents were out—at least they wouldn't hear anything about this.
He didn't know where to start but he figured that getting straight to the point would do them good. If there's actually anything good from this.
"I remember."
It only took those two words for him to hear Mikasa suck in her breath and by the shuffle next to him, he knew that she moved closer. He was terrified and anxious—this was the girl who had been there for him ever since he immigrated to this country from Germany. She was his first friend, best friend, sister, and family. She was the one who protected Eren from the harsh truth by simply hiding it from him.
And it sucked. No matter how much he tried not to feel anything but gratefulness, he felt a little betrayed. Mikasa had lied to him and hid something so important from him, and he ought to understand why but he couldn't help thinking she hid the truth from me all this time. It was for his protection and he knew that—he knew that from his first-hand experience. His memories that had returned to him weren't fond ones, though he got to recall his mom's smiling face before he had lost her, and he was hurt.
He was beyond hurt.
He was now broken and lost and confused.
He had no idea where to start from here now.
His heart was telling him to go to Levi and forget that this had ever happened—that he didn't regain the memories that he lost five years ago. He wished that he could turn back the time and tell Levi that he wouldn't be able to meet his uncle because he would be busy and he'd rather go straight somewhere where they could enjoy their dinner alone. But it happened. It happened—he saw Kenny Ackerman and what do you know, all of this was actually a timed bomb and that man—Levi's uncle—was the one who detonated it.
Porcelain tears traitorously streamed down his face and he felt a soothing pat on his head. But he felt like the damage that had been done to him was enough for him to think that he could no longer be fixed.
"Oh, Eren…" Mikasa sobbed. She brought his head to her torso, her arms were around his shoulders, and she was crying.
And it was tearing his heart apart. The truth is really something that will change your fall. Mikasa shouldn't be crying because of him. But as much as it was painful for him, Eren began telling her what happened, how his memories returned to him. He left the detail about the Ackerman; he was disoriented, yes, but he could still function to some extent that he knew that letting Mikasa know about the man would mean danger to her.
His mouth suddenly stopped but Mikasa didn't pull away from him as she rested her head on his. His tears had also halted from its course, as his mind finally worked its gears together and he started to connect the dots.
Rod Reiss was a suspected criminal, a drug lord with a black market underneath his whole corporation.
Kenny Ackerman, the vice president of the Reiss Corporation, was the one who murdered his mom.
The key… It was for his father's safe.
And Eren finally cleared up the fog in his brain. He pushed himself off Mikasa who was startled at his action but before she could even ask him anything, the brunet was already heading towards the front door.
"Where are you going, Eren?" she asked him, voice was loud with concern.
"I need to go somewhere," he answered her with equal fervor.
"I'm coming with you," she told him as she began to put on her sneakers. But Eren knew what he had to do, and it was necessary that he would do it alone.
"No, you're not."
Her mouth parted in shock as if Eren had just slapped her in the face before she practically shouted, "You're upset, Eren! I almost lost you three months ago! Don't go—"
"I'M NOT A CHILD, MIKASA!" His chest heaved up and down, gritting his teeth to stop himself from saying something that he would regret later. "I survived the car crash and for all I know, I could've died back then! I saw my mom died right in front of my eyes and God knows, what would have happened to me if Mike wasn't there."
"Mike? What does this—"
"Mikasa," he interrupted her, eyes widened at his slip-up but he didn't give her time to think about it, even though he knew that all of this was going to catch up to her. "I know how to handle myself. You don't need to baby me—"
"YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME, EREN!" Mikasa suddenly burst out, tears pouring out from those beautiful eyes of hers but they only reflected sorrow and regret now. The brunet couldn't even stutter out a reply because he knew—he knew that she was right. Thus, he remained standing there as she continued, "Do you think I did not care back then when you almost ruined your life?! Do you think that I did not cry myself to sleep when I found out that you could've had died in the accident?! Eren… (She sounded so tired that his name came out as a sigh from her lips and it broke something inside of him) I just…I just want to be there for you, protect you, care and love you, because you are my best friend—you're my family, Eren. Aren't we family? Aren't we supposed to trust each other?"
His lips trembled as he tried so hard to sort out the mess that his mind was making. He couldn't even voice out a single word as he took in the wreck that Mikasa had become because of him. Because he couldn't trust her. And he wanted to change that so bad, to the point that he wanted to tell her everything right there and then, but he knew the consequences. He knew that he could put her life in danger, as well as her family's, and he couldn't afford for that to happen. He'd risk his own life for them, and that was just how much he loved these people—these people who gave him home and never gave up on him during the years he needed them the most.
Eren walked forward to the dark-haired woman and Mikasa didn't move from her spot. He tentatively raised his arms and she leaned closer as she let him hug her.
As he stroked her hair, he said softly, "I trust you. It's just that… Sometimes, there are things better left unsaid, because I don't trust the other people. Mikasa, I want you to trust me."
Her response was immediate and he had the urge to laugh. "How am I gonna do that when I know that you couldn't live without tripping yourself over a trash bin and falling to your death?"
"You're just going to. You have to. You protected me all these years—from the emotional scars that I could have had if not for you and everyone—so let me do my part. Let me protect you and the others."
"Eren…"
"I want to protect you, Armin, Jean, everyone…and Levi." He couldn't help but let out the last name in a sob.
"And we want to protect you, Eren," she said helplessly.
He leaned away and pressed his forehead on hers and he felt crushed as his childhood friend's tears continuously ran down her face. This wasn't the Mikasa that he knew; she was strong-willed, smart-witted, and determined. But right now, she looked fragile and hopeless like she was losing Eren at that moment. He wanted to soothe her that everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't mask the truth with another convenient lie.
"Mikasa, please, trust me on this one. And after this, I'll tell you everything. I'll answer every single one of your questions," he told her as genuinely as he could muster. He knew that convincing Mikasa was like banging his head on the wall and his skull would just crack, but he also knew that somewhere in her heart and mind, Mikasa had always put her trust on him. Even if he couldn't reciprocate that in the past.
"Promise?" she asked hoarsely, and guilt gripped his heart.
"Promise," he whispered back.
He was thankful that Mr. Ackerman had just arrived home when Eren was about to leave their house, because he knew that he wouldn't be able to catch any cabs in this ungodly hour. The car ride to his apartment was not quiet, but was not really chatty either. The older man had asked him about how was he doing and what were his plans in the future and oh how was Levi? Everything came into a screeching halt at the sound of the name, and Eren must have had looked pained and crushed because Mikasa's dad had asked him what was the matter. He merely smiled weakly and said that it was nothing.
It was like a miracle to go back to that comfy bed of his and the sight of it made him want to jump on it and pretend that he was fine, that he was not exactly breaking in the inside. However, there was a pressing need to forget all his plans to escape this reality and it was lying right above his heart. He clutched the golden key that was hanging around his neck before he removed it. He stared at the familiar key that he had received several months ago and there was a sense of familiarity and dread that was being emitted from the object.
And he wanted to run away from it.
This was the key to all of his questions. This would answer all the who's, how's, and the why's. He would finally be able to bring justice to his mom's death.
Eren walked to his closet and dug around there, trying to search for that certain box that he had hidden inside. It was one of the few things that he kept after their house was taken away from him; the Ackermans had been adamant about buying it so they could keep it until Eren was of age where he could live there again, but he refused their help and told them that what they had given them was more than enough. And of course, the money that came from selling the house was put into the bank, where Eren still didn't want to spend it because of his own reasons.
He finally scratched at the familiar smooth surface and he hauled it out of the tight space. It was a silver rectangular case, and Eren could now remember whom it belonged to.
It was his dad's.
He stared at it for several minutes; the fear in his chest was paralyzing him and was threatening to shut him down, but he didn't want that fear to win over his own will. He wanted to face whatever was inside this case. He wanted to uncover the truth that was buried deep under the lies, betrayal, and deceit that had been the center of his life until now.
He held the key and its intricate design made him wonder how could he actually remember that this was his dad's. He lowered it to the hole and with a final gulp, he twisted it inside and a soft click resounded inside his very quiet room.
And his eyes landed on a black flash drive, the only apparent object that was hidden in the safe.
Eren started to remember a bit about his dad. He remembered that this man had a dark-colored hair, which length was past his chin, and that he wore glasses. Grisha Jaeger would make time for his son even though he seemed to be exhausted from his work, being a doctor for a big hospital and whatnot. They used to play hide-and-seek and Eren would always hide under the covers of the blankets that his mom had freshly washed.
His dad was his role model, the person that he wanted to become—for he was a loving and caring husband and father to his family, and a passionate and dedicated doctor to his work.
And those qualities became his downfall.
After plugging in the flash drive into his laptop, Eren first saw the face of the familiar man in some of his dreams. His recollections might be impaired but he knew who it was just by seeing those dark green eyes.
It was his father. It was he telling Eren everything, from how this matter with Rod Reiss had started to how he died. Grisha knew that his death was going to happen. And Eren couldn't say anything.
It was a video, recording everything that the dark-haired man was saying, and the brunet strained his ears to hear everything and not to let anything slip by. Every word was important, even though it made him feel sick to stomach—about how Rod Reiss used his father.
Reiss was the one who hired his dad, offering a promotion for him in the hospital, where the businessman happened to have invested a lot of money in. Grisha accepted, delighted that he could improve the state of living his family was in, but he had no idea what work was he going to do in the corporation.
The job started off easy; he only needed to check the drugs that were given out of the pharmaceutical branch of the business. Then, it gradually became a little strange because Grisha was ordered to experiment with some stronger medication and there was one night when he had to deliver the results to Nile Dawk, someone under Reiss's wing.
"I saw a line of people in the underground parking lot and I wondered why I never noticed. (There was a pained expression on his father's face and Eren clenched his fists) I entered this passage after I made sure that no one was guarding it, and oh God. It was horrible. Utterly horrifying as they auctioned off the drugs that I experimented on. Which led me here recording this. I want this to serve as evidence, I don't know if you, Carla, is watching this, but you need to tell the world about this façade that the Good Samaritan has put up in order to cover his filthy tracks. You need to save those kids, those people… Don't let them get fooled by Rod Reiss. I'm planning to go to the lab tomorrow. (Eren's eyes widened at the determined look on his father) I'll destroy everything—everything that I worked on, because those drugs will not just take people to heights; it is pleasure and ignorance in exchange for a fast death. And this will be the addiction that Reiss feed himself off to."
Eren thought it was over because Grisha wasn't moving on the screen anymore, and he was about to let it all sink it when the sound of his own name coming from that voice suddenly startled him.
"Eren. If in the future, you're exposed to danger, I have told Pixis to deliver this to you. He's the one who can help you in this case; he has the samples of the drugs and he will testify if needed. This is going to be dangerous—but you're smart, I know you are. You'll figure it all out. I cannot let any harm come to you, my son. I love you and your mother (Tears escaped from Eren's eyes and his hand came up to touch that familiar smiling face but ended up knocking the screen). Do not forget that. I'm sorry if I disappointed you—"
"No, you did not…"
"—but I hope that you'll forgive me. Protect yourself with this. Tell this story to the world and unravel the deceit that Rod Reiss is using to hide himself and his rotten business. And Eren…"
"Yes, dad?"
Could he at least pretend that he was really talking to him? Could he pretend that his Dad was actually smiling at him like he knew that his son was there? Could this bad dream finally end so he could wake up with both of his parents there for him?
"Be brave."
He knew that he wouldn't be able to hear him, but Eren said it anyway. He already knew what to do. This had shed more light than he expected it to, and now he knew what killed his mom, what killed his dad, and what put everyone around him in danger. And the only thing that was running in his mind at the moment was how he was going to face this with the courage and pride that his dad had instilled in him. He believed in Eren, and his mother showered her love to him until the end. They were his devoted parents who were giving the push that he needed even though they weren't physically by his side, but that was enough.
He had their will in him.
And he was going to carry it out.
"Yes, I will, Dad, Mom."
A/N: I was listening to Glassy Sky from Tokyo Ghoul while typing this soon...hahahha that was a bit depressing but thank you for reading and for your reviews :D So little Eren x Levi but there will be more in the future and I'm sorry if I'm gonna make you tear up a bit *looks away* We're like (more than) halfway of the story so stay tuned!
-CrimsonHazelEyes/Snowberry