I don't own SnK

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

~Chapter Twenty: Tears and Love~

Eren

I open my palm and find out that time it is, and the faint light on my phone says that it's a quarter past 11. A warm breeze passes by and I inhale the scent of the in-between seasons, closing my eyes as I enjoy this warm sensation while it still lasts.

"Oi, brat."

A smile breaks out of my face before I open my eyes. I turn to the origin of the voice—that familiar voice that made me cry in the middle of the crowd, the same voice that told me things that I've always longed to hear, the same voice that I fell in love with. I merely revert back to my original position, facing the glass doors as guests start to filter inside. I stuff my hands in the pockets of my sleeveless sweatshirt, clenching and unclenching them all the while. Not a second later, I hear footsteps and I feel the same aura that always soothes me—that never fails to make me feel warm—right next to me.

"An aquarium? Really?" Levi asks, somewhat amused and my smile falters unconsciously.

"Mmm, I want to go to that aquarium! Mikasa, Armin and I have been planning to go there but the tickets are mad expensive."

"Okay, okay. We'll all go there, then."

My chest throbs, but I ignore it.

"Yeah. I've always wanted to go to this aquarium," I say.

We both gaze at the sign in bold letters; there's really nothing special-looking about this place, just your regular aquarium, but I can't say the same. This has held a much significant part of my heart now with my memories intact, and I've pondered before how unexpected it is that my first date with Levi as lovers was in an aquarium too.

Before my thoughts could go to a direction that I don't want it to go, I hold out my hand to the shorter man standing next to me, palm facing the darkening sky. My luck must really suck if it actually starts raining now.

"Let's go?" I ask.

He nods to me, and my eyes fall onto his face. I drink in the sight of him—from those expressive grey eyes, to that nose that my own nose had bumped to not too many times, to those cheeks that always go pink whenever Levi is being teased by Hanji or simply just because of me, and to those lips that get swollen whenever we kiss. When he places his hand onto mine, I also let that warm sensation go through my heart; memorizing the heat that I've always sought and will always look for.

"You better tell me why you fucking went invisible for a week, but other than that, let's go." There is some playful threat lying there but I'm used to that. I'm used to his sarcastic remarks that I now know ninety percent of the mean things he'd ever said in his lifetime is actually just his trying to hide his true feelings. I'm used to that quirk of his lips, saying how much he's enjoying messing and joking around with others, particularly me.

"Yeah, will do."

I let my fingers intertwined with his and there is no grunt of annoyance or disapproval, so I give our clasped hands a squeeze. And all the while, my heart is terrifyingly calm but my nerves feel ice-cold and I want to wait until Levi's warmth could seep through them. I don't like the cold…

Especially if I know that this warmth will not be there when winter approaches.

"Levi, what's your favorite sea creature so far?"

I avert my eyes off the stingray in front of me to look at Levi who's staring curiously at the flexible jelly animals. Gradients of blue are reflected on his pale face and I unknowingly raise my hand, wanting to touch that smooth skin, but it stops in mid-air and I let it fall by my side.

Instead of answering, Levi latches his hand on my wrist, which seems to burn and yet is able to comfort me, and he begins to drag me away from that spot. I don't really want to ask him where are we going because over the months that we've been together, I've learned that Levi is better at showing his answers with his actions. I wonder if I could be like that; I know that I'm impulsive and I'm quick to say something before thinking over it but, can I show what I really feel only through my actions?

The sight of the long bodies and fins greets me and my eyes widen.

"Dolphins."

I did expect him to say something ridiculously unique, but Levi has never failed in surprising me yet again. Next thing I know, he's probably gonna be a penguin-lover, too. I chuckle at the thought and it earns a raised elegant eyebrow from the raven beside me. He has his arms crossed across his chest but he slowly brings one hand out and it silently comes in contact with the glass separating him and the beautiful creature.

"Why?" I ask, not bothering to hide my full curiosity.

A dolphin suddenly swims towards us and I watch in fascination as its nose nudge the glass, the opposite side of where Levi's hand is. It's like seeing something unearthly. So goddamned beautiful that I could cry at the moment—

"They can communicate, find the things that they want to find, and it's special." He turns and looks at me, now also mystified at how his grey eyes seem bluer now. It's like Levi has attached a magical string that pulls me towards him and I cannot find the force behind it nor would I ever want to cut that connection. "I wish I have that."

"…Why?" I murmur.

He lifts his hand up to my cheek and caresses it as if it's what he's always wanted to do. It reminds me how much of a coward I am. He can do this affectionate gesture no matter when and where but I can't, not because I don't want to display it to people—God knows how much I want everyone to know that I'm in love with this man and that I'm so fucking happy that he returns my feelings—but I know that I'll lose that right soon enough.

"So I can always find you, Eren," he says softly that I almost didn't hear it. And I wish that I did not.

My heart does a few palpating beats against my chest, like drums that are struck in harmony—loud and almost painful. I unconsciously tighten my fists on my sides as I gaze into those eyes that I once believed could actually see through my soul and every façade that I put up around me. I feel the tears spring up onto my eyes and I hope that I can fool Levi into thinking that I'm just unbelievably happy. Even if it's just a beautiful lie, I want it to be our truth for now. Just this day.

I lean into him and he remains standing close to me but his arm drops from my face. It's not hard to plant my lips on his forehead when I'm practically a foot taller than he is—something that I always tease him about. I feel him pull me closer by tugging my shirt towards him and I smile in response.

I wish I could just stand here like this, with Levi within my grasp so that I can just pull him to me whenever I want to, so that I can shield us away from the world and stay in our cocoon of happiness.

But it does not work like that.

I cannot ignore the tears that roll down my cheeks, producing searing pain that I know is just a figure of my imagination but they serve their purpose well. They remind me that I'm in pain, that I'm hurting, and that it will continue to do so unless I take action. I wish the ground could just crumble away and hide me from this reality, but I don't want to take this chance to be with Levi for granted. Nothing's permanent in this world and I've learned to accept that a long time ago. But this pain in my heart will probably never go away.

We're near the building of the aquarium and a smile graces my face as I think of how one of the things on my To-Do-List has finally been crossed out. However, that smile disappears as soon as my ears catch the question that has left Levi's lips.

"So, why were you not answering your phone?" Levi asks me as he sits down on the bench.

I follow his actions, maintaining a few inches distance away from him, and I bend my head back to look at the dark skies. I wonder if it's going to rain soon…

"I'm working on an art piece, something that came up in my dreams again," I answer. It's the truth, really, but I don't want to elaborate on how my inspiration for my artwork has somehow been manifested from nightmares that occupy my nights, that have turned into sleepless ones and with me spending all my time trying to project what has been in my mind the past week onto my canvas. It's really laughable, how I dreamt of the color red again but this time, the horrible image has included Levi's face in it.

I shake my head to rid off the thoughts that threaten to kill me from the inside, until I feel a simple touch right in the middle of where my eyebrows meet. I refocus my gaze and I meet those penetrating silver pools yet again.

"You're thinking way too hard again," Levi say and his face falls the slightest, but I notice it—I notice how his eyes darken a bit as a negative atmosphere washes over us. "I feel like…I can't reach you when you're in this state, Eren."

Levi has somehow succeeded in making the physical distance between us dissipate into nothingness because the next thing I know, our thighs are touching and he has his hand over mine. He's grasping it so gently as if he's afraid that he's going to break me and it reminds me of how much I hated this after the incident at the bakery months ago. I turn my palm up so that I can directly feel Levi's hand around mine, slowly filling the spaces between his fingers with my own so that they are interlaced together.

There's something about this sight that makes my heart beat faster, that makes a pool of fluttering butterflies around my stomach, and that makes me unbelievably giddy and ecstatic. It reminds of when I first planted a kiss on his cheek the day we first met, when I opened my door at my apartment complex and found him standing there with a lunchbox for me, when we talked about ourselves over dinner after my art exhibition, when I first kissed him under the starry night, when we went to France and I got to explore his childhood memories with him, and when he introduced me to his parents. Parents… right. I was going to let Levi meet my parents last week but it didn't happen. Will it ever happen? Those memories keep resurfacing in my mind and I get startled when Levi shifts to raise his hand to my face, and he wipes the tear that unknowingly rolls down my cheek with a gentle touch.

Crack. Crack. It's like glass breaking.

"I don't recall ever seeing you this melancholy, brat. Is something wrong?" he asks me with voice full of concern and it sends a pang into my chest, something that I've been ignoring the whole day.

"Will you take me to the beach again after we eat?" Instead, I ask him this question and if he's confused, he doesn't show it and he merely lets out a small smirk to me. It's strange how that sends an influx of butterflies to me again.

"Are you feeling Chinese food, right now? And it's gonna rain soon, you know."

"Mhmm," I hum. It doesn't really matter as long as I'm with him.

Levi then takes my hand, something I notice that's becoming our thing today; it's not me who's taking the initiative and showing off affection, but it's Levi. And something about that clenches my heart in a way that my breath is almost knocked out of my lungs.

Together, we both walk to his car and he drives us to our next destination.

I was a bit preppy when we ate our lunch, constantly asking the owner of the restaurant what could be their specials and stuff like that. I got to try a few dishes out of their menu and Levi snorted at how much I could eat and that it probably was gonna go to my height again, something I laughed at.

And now, we're at the beach.

We're both walking on the sand and I watch in amazement as the sand that I dug out with the heels of my bare feet gets washed away by the water. There's a salty tang in the air and I love it, even though the skies will open up later and it will pour out. I also love how the sun that is setting in the horizon provides a nice shade of different warm colors, an odd contrast with some of the darkening clouds looming above me, that I'm currently itching to paint. I like how the breeze is just at the right temperature, unlike of how chilly it became last time I was here with Levi. Which reminds me, the raven is actually walking on the sand barefoot without complaints. I would actually chuckle at the scene if I could, but there's that vice grip that he has in my hand that levels out my amusement to a lower degree, which results to a small grin on my face right now.

"It's almost autumn," I breathe out.

"And you're gonna get a job soon, right?" he asks me. Before I could respond to that, he continues on, "You're gonna ask Farlan about his architectural designs, right? We can ask him later about it."

I unconsciously squeeze his hand and I'm about to mutter an apology but go against it as I say, "Yeah, I'm getting a job."

"And we are going to phone the idiot to ask him about an open job here in the city, right?" Levi repeats the question and though he sounds monotonous, I detect something else entirely in his tone.

Desperation for an answer, that's what I detect in his voice. It's so strange to hear Levi talking more than I do, and I'm afraid that I know why.

"Levi…" I start, pulling him back slightly as I halt in my tracks. It effectively stops him, too, and he turns around to face me.

And the tears from his eyes are threatening to spill and I wonder if he knows, but by how much lost he looks right now, I know that he's not aware of it.

Levi's black locks sway with the wind and my eyes begin to travel from his face and down to his body. This short-stack has actually managed to bring a lot of things into my life, bringing a light that I was once afraid of touching because I thought that I did not deserve it. All the black-and-white have finally been filled with colors, and now they are being drained again by ever teardrop that escapes from the same man that brought them into my life. And I'm suddenly aware of my own tears that are falling from my very own eyes.

"Eren…" he whispers in the wind and he clasps our hands together even more tightly. "Are you tired of this? Is there something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Please, tell me. Tell me because right now, I'm just—"

He stops as I pull him closer to me, detaching my hand from his, and I feel a stuttered breath come out from his lips. He leans his head onto my chest, right above my heart, and I hold his shoulders with cautious strength like I know that he's gonna shatter like I just did if I were to hold him as tightly as I want to.

"Aren't you happy with me, Eren? Am I the only one who's feeling fucking ecstatic that I finally get to spend my life with the man that I truly cared about? Am I the only one who's thinking that we would last?"

I feel that warm sensation on my chest, the dampness that his tears bring about, and—fuck it. I can't fight off the urge to hold Levi tightly against my chest and that's what I do. I envelope his petite but firm body with my arms wrapped around him, and I feel small tremors run through his body—Levi who's always strong, who's always so careful and meticulous, who's always the one with the guarded expression. It further breaks my heart, and I want to ignore how the very same man that I admire is shattering in my arms right now.

"It's not going work out, Levi."

I force those words out of my mouth, letting them slip by my lips and voicing that rehearsed line out of my system. I feel the ground beneath me crumble into pieces and I feel numb, wishing that this bundle of warmth leaning against my body will be able to thaw that paralyzing fear in me.

"The hell it's not!" Levi shouts and the intensity makes me blink. I've expected this—a little resistance from this short-tempered man—but he's not physically fighting me. He remains in my arms as if he's terrified that if he were to leave that place now, then he's not going to be able to come back to it anymore. And that's probably what prompts me to pull him even closer, if that's even possible.

"Levi, you gave me everything I've always wanted—a home, someone to love." Someone I'm terrified to lose. Someone I want to be with forever. Someone I want to be a part of my life in the next lifetime to come. I choose for those words to remain unsaid, to remain stuck in my throat as if a painful thing that I cannot get out.

"Then, what's wrong?" Levi asks as he pulls away slightly to gaze on my face and I watch as a teardrop lands on his cheek, making his eyes widen a bit, and I harshly rubs my tears away. "Eren…"

"I'm always gonna be that brat who's oblivious to things, and I'm going to bring inconvenience to you in the future—"

"BULLSHIT! DON'T LIE TO ME! Inconvenience? If I thought that you only bring me inconvenience, then I would've kicked you out of my life a long time ago! Do you have any idea how much I…" he stops, holding his breath, and his lips tremble. There's now a much more distance between us as I let my arms drop on my sides and I look at the raven who captured my heart, as he struggles to search for those words to tell me. And I don't want to hear them.

I don't want to hear the words that I've longed to hear from him when I know that my resolve will become weaker than it already is.

"Levi. You deserve someone better than I am." I still my voice, hardening my expression of determination. That does sound bullshit to me but I can't stop it. I'm not good at lying and Levi can probably see it too, the reddening of the tips of my ears and how much pain am I going through right now—

"No!" He vehemently yells out. He stares at me steadily as if he's trying to search for the truth in my eyes, and before I could say anything to him, he speaks again, "You're so much more than that to me. 'Deserve someone better'? You're full of shit, you fucking brat."

It hurts, but I know that it's the anger in Levi that's talking and I clench my hands, digging my blunt nails on the skin and feeling it rupture and spill some liquid onto my palm.

"Then, what am I supposed to do?" I ask, hearing the helplessness in my own voice. "I've given you more trouble than necessary—I almost died on you and… Am I not your biggest fear now, Levi?"

His lips part in surprise and he looks more caught off-guard than enraged now. The silence between us is filled with the splashing of the waves somewhere in the distance, and the skies finally open up and rain goes from small pitter-patters to spattering loudly around us and on us.

"We were happy, aren't we? I took you to my home, Eren. I gave you what I've never given anyone before—my trust and… and we spent time together these few months, and aren't we stronger than before? We could work it out, you know," he utters after that stretch of silence between us. I watch the water droplets fall from his long eyelashes and from the tips of his hair, while his eyes are fixated on me the entire time.

"What if I tell you that I cannot possibly bear that?" I say softly and I'm almost afraid that he can't hear me because of the rain that is about to drown us from where we are standing. I'm almost afraid to wish that he didn't hear me because the words that are spilling from my lips are like acid—caustic and extremely painful. It's like spitting gravel and broken glass. I want to see his face but those strands hinder me from finding out what expression he has right now, but I'm almost afraid to see it. "What if I tell you that…I'm weak? Levi, I cannot tell you what the future will bring but I know that you'll be glad that I'm not there by your side. Levi, I—"

Levi finally looks up and I let the rain wash away my tears as I stare at his glistening eyes. I feel weak…really weak. This man who was once strong and didn't let anyone see any of his blind spots and vulnerability, is completely bare in front of my eyes. It's ripping something inside me and I wonder how much more can both of us take until there's nothing left to break anymore.

"I love you, Eren."

Those words that I've waited for him to say—he's now saying them to me like it's his lifeline. He said that he's going to wait for the right time to say it to me, is this what he meant by that? No. He probably thinks that this is the only way—

"Je suis amoureux de toi, Eren."

I blink, eyes widening and I gape at him. His grey eyes are now trained on me as if the impact of the raindrops that is getting stronger is nothing, and it's probably because we feel numb to the bones now. These swirling emotions do nothing but merely make my knees buckle and before I knew it, Levi is pulling me onto him again. Is he aware of how painfully my heart is beating right now?

"I'm in love with you, Eren," he sobs out and my body begins to shake. WHY NOW?! I process those words over and over in my head as I digest their meaning. This isn't the first time…

"To go such length… Really. You're such a brat. You have no idea how much I… Je suis amoureux de toi, Eren. To the point that it's totally fucking driving me crazy."

I let him cling to me, refraining myself from holding him but it is almost impossible for me to do so when these memories are coming back to me.

"I don't think there are any words that could describe my feelings for you, Eren. I feel like I'm drowning in this—this ecstatic feeling whenever I'm with you. As fucking cliché as this will sound like, I actually saw colors when I first saw you. It started with the moment I saw your bright eyes, shining their way into my life until I could only see nothing but them in my dreams and whenever I close my eyes. Then, your presence practically gave out rainbow colors that should've been shitty and I should've hated, but I actually longed for it, loved every second of you by my side. All was black-and-white before you, and now that you're here, making my heart beat like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack, I don't think I can go back to who I was."

"I'm—" It hurts so much.

"—sorry, Levi." I push him away. I don't even want to see the startled reaction on his face because I know that it will soon be clouded with more pain. I never knew that loving someone this deeply can cause this immense pain, and I feel like every fiber of my being is being pulled away from him with so much effort that I almost thought I wouldn't be able to do it. But I did it.

I turn away from him.

I turn away from Levi.

I turn away from the man that I envisioned my future with.

I turn away from my own promise not to leave him alone.

I feel like I'm dying inside and when I'm out of his earshot, I crumple to the ground as I pound my chest with my fist, hoping that the pain will just go away.

I wail. I hit my chest to stop the pain. It doesn't work.

I cry. I let out the tears that mix with the rain and that is all I could do. Cry. Scream. Howl. Like a wounded animal.

Levi

I don't know when did my knees collide with the rough particles of the sand, but I kneel there as if waiting for something—a miracle, perhaps—or maybe I just want the sun to come up again. But that's impossible; it's impossible with this rain. I let my arms drop on my sides and I feel like I'm a ragged doll—no life, no will, no heart, but that is a lie.

Because I can still feel my heart breaking.

Eren…

Did I do something wrong? Am I really that oblivious that I never noticed something in him until now? Where exactly did I go wrong? Should I have told him that I love him even before? Is that it? Did he not feel loved at all?

Did he even trust me?

How long was it since I cried this much? How long was it since the last time I cried? How long was it since I feel my body this numb? How long was it since I've felt like I'm being torn into two?

Ah, that's right. It was the day I found out that my parents both died in a car accident. I still remember it clearly like a fucking daylight. It was the day before my birthday.

Why did they have to go to that fucking Christmas party? Why did they have to go and buy me a fucking present on the way home? Why did they have to leave me when I needed them the most?

Why couldn't I protect the ones that I hold close to my heart?

"I love you, Levi."

"If you love me, then where are you right now?"

It's impossible, isn't it? He can't possible hear me. He's not coming back.

"I think you're wonderful. I think you're best thing that happened to me, and everything about you—your flaws, your skills, your personality—they're perfect. That's why, no matter who you were in the past, it will never change who you are to me."

"If I'm the best thing that happened to you, then why did you leave me?"

Was our relationship that fragile? I thought I'm his future; was that a lie?

Am I not even allowed to believe in anything right now? Am I not allowed to believe that he'll come back to me?

"I love you…

I love you, Eren."

Eren didn't know when or how did he even come home, but he knew that he was out somewhere in the beach until he heard a roar of an engine, speeding away from the area. Levi must have been pissed at him, he thought as he gathered himself and proceeded to call a cab. He was lucky that he was even able to find a cab at that ungodly hour, and the rest was just a blur. He stumbled into his apartment exhausted and his damp clothes clung onto his body…and it reminded him of Levi. He managed to make it to his bedroom, unceremoniously throwing himself onto his bed and not caring if he got his stuff wet. He could only think of that face.

Levi's expression as he cried and held onto Eren.

His tears ran onto his sides; he really thought that he couldn't drain himself more of this liquid. He thought that he already cried them all out.

In his foggy mind, there was only one clear subject that was present, and he sure as hell wouldn't let everything go to waste. If he weren't able to accomplish this task, then he really didn't deserve anything—he didn't deserve to have been gotten out alive from that car crash, of the Ackerman's familial love, of his friends' concern, smiles, and encouragement, and of Levi's love.

His love that Eren shattered into pieces.

He closed his eyes in order to stop the pain from coming again but it was no use. He curled into a fetal position, clutching his chest in one hand while his other one searched for his small device. He grabbed his phone and his eyes looked for that one name. He brought the object to his ear, fisting the front of his damp shirt as his eyes remained unfocused.

The person answered their call after the two rings.

"Eren? Dude, do you know what time is it?"

"Jean," his voice was raspy and the person from the other line had gone silent.

"I need to talk to you. And promise me that this will remain between us."

Eren wouldn't let his love die like this. And now, he could only hope that he would be able to beat the odds against him.

A/N: Why Jean? Why did he do this? Would the other realize what is really going on? Questions that are going to be answered in the chapters to come T_T Are they going to get back together? Hell yes. Just *sniffs* stay tuned, kay? ;_;
-CrimsonHazelEyes/Snowberry