It all started the day we bought Annie home from the hospital.
We got up early and drove the short distance to the local hospital in the town where I grew up. Due to budget cuts the small hospital was falling into disrepair. Every month or so a ward was closed and its services moved to nearby Holby. The maternity unit was not admitting any new patients and all expectant mothers from the small town and its surrounding villages were being sent to the larger hospitals.
A middle aged midwife with greying hair and prominent smile lines showed my Dad how to secure the baby in the car seat. Hannah sat on a chair, staring listlessly at the wall while Leah rambled on about the carrots she'd grown for the baby.
The midwife showed Dad how to put the seat safely in the car "hop in then Mummy" she chirped.
Hannah sighed and sat in the middle next to the baby one the right. The midwife helped Leah into the left hand seat and I hopped into the front.
On the way home Dad and Leah both chatted excitedly. Hannah stared straight past the sleeping infant next to her which gave me an uneasy feeling. Something hadn't been right both the times I'd visited the hospital. I had never seen Hannah hold the baby or even look at her for more than a second. We had also been getting an unusual number of silent calls and calls for a 'Miss Hannah Jackson'".
Alarm bells began ringing over the next few days. Dad did everything for the baby. I spent the week trying to learn how to care for her. I tried my best but every time I held her she cried. Dad said I wasn't 'relaxed enough'. I couldn't relax, it was the summer holidays so when Leah wasn't asking me when Mummy would play with her I was worrying about Hannah.
She hadn't been living with us long but I had never really had a Mum before. She cooked me tea and came to my parent's evening and teased me playfully when I bought my friend Evie home from school.
Evie was mousey with big thick rimmed glasses and a voice like an angel. Both of us were roped in for several school shows and spent a lot of time out of school rehearsing together. I didn't like her in that way though. She was my friend and nothing more.
After a week my Dad had to go back to work. He left very early as usual because he had to catch the train to Holby.
I woke up to the sound of a wailing baby and children's cartoons ringing through the house. Groaning I swung my feet out of bed and padded down the hall to the master bedroom. I groggily stepped over the things on the floor and got to the cot, lifting Annie out somewhat awkwardly. I glanced at the bed, rocking back and forth trying to soothe the baby. My blood ran cold.
What I had originally thought was Hannah's sleeping form on her side of the bed was quite obviously artfully arranged scatter cushions.
I rushed around the house shouting her name,I'd put the now sleeping baby in her moses basket downstairs.I looked everywhere. Hannah was not in the house.
Leah came bounding up the stairs "Benny where's Mummy?, she said she'd gone out for milk"
I opened the wardrobe in the master bedroom. All her clothes were gone. I tried to shut the door quickly but Leah caught a glimpse of the half empty wardrobe "w-where's Mummy… has she… gone".
I stared at her trying to formulate a response but it was all in my eyes. She ran from the room crying with me hot on her heels.
She beat her tiny hands on the door screaming "Mummy, Mummy, please come back… you never signed my letter for the school trip…" she sobbed.
I picked up the feather light child who'd crumpled into a heap on the welcome mat and sat her down on the sofa. Trying to mimic how my Dad would calm me when I was little I stroked her hair until she had stopped crying. Then I put 'My Little Pony' on the TV and went into the hall to call my Dad.
After explaining the situation and answering about two hundred questions with "I don't know, she told Leah she was going for milk and never came back" my Dad hung up.
I fed Leah breakfast and, with the help of the parenting book my Dad had been teaching me with gave Annie her bottle.
When my Dad eventually got home everything was calm and serene. Leah was sitting in front of the TV, still sniffling but calm, Annie was asleep and the house was semi clean.
"I've called all her friends they don't know where she is. I'm going to drive to her favourite pub, I'm pretty sure she'll be there. It looks like you have things under control here" Dad said picking up a map and heading out of the door again.
It was then that I saw the note. It sat on a table in the hall underneath a porcelain elephant our neighbour had got us from India when we had taken care of her cat. It was written on the back of an envelope in Hannah's loopy writing. It read:
Dear Arthur.
I'm sorry I have left without saying goodbye but trust me it's better this way. I have gone to be with someone I truly love. I know my girls will be well looked after with you. If you don't want to keep them my social workers number is on the back and she'll find somewhere for them.
Give my love to Leah
Hannah xxx
My Dad returned home around tea time. I had made Leah beans on toast and she sat picking at it in the kitchen.
I handed my Dad the note and his face fell. "I'm going out for a bit Ben… I need to clear my head" he whispered. I'd been holding the fort all day, I could handle bedtime.
I moved Annie's moses basket to my room "just for one night" I told myself as I rocked her to sleep. I read Leah a bedtime story and tucked her in "Benny" she yawned sleepily "Mummy will come back, won't she? She can sign my trip letter?".
"I don't know Leah, I'll sign your letter if you like" I sighed switching off her light leaving only the gentle glow of her night light.
Much later when I was watching TV downstairs Dad staggered through the door reeking of booze "she doesn't love me" he slurred "I love her but… she".
"Okay Dad" I sighed "let's get you to bed"