A/N: HOLY WOAH I HAVEN'T UPDATED THIS STORY IN THREE YEARS+.
Sorry T_T. I don't know how it technically happened, but all I know is that over the years, I got into more fandoms and focused on those, and lost track of time.
I'm back now and am trying to reboot and finish up these older fics. However, because of that, the writing may differ from previous chapters, since my writing has changed since then. Hopefully, that doesn't cause you to dislike this fic!
And for any lovely readers who kept loyal to this story for 3+ years without an update...wow, I just can't even thank you enough for that.
Anyway, I'll shut up now and let you get back to this story you've waited long enough to read.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold! Ok Football Head!?
Chapter Six: A Balance Between Heart and Mind
By: DA1326 (that's me!)
"What one hides is worth neither more nor less than what one finds. And what one hides from oneself is worth neither more nor less than what one allows others to find" - Andre Breton
Helga was still trying to get used to waking up at dawn. It wasn't because Erin had to get in at 8am but because it was part of her daily routine. Similar to the routine Olga had: get up, workout, eat breakfast with tea, shower and get dressed, ready for the day.
Erin did this every day, without fail, and even though Helga didn't feel fatigued or sleepy, the dedication to such a schedule surprised her. She no longer possessed a real sense of time, so reliving memories could honestly take her hours without her noticing it. Only subtle clues, like the change of lighting in Erin's room, kept her on track. Her surprise, however, did not last forever. Eventually, this early bird schedule started to annoy her.
The reason was simple, and a bit selfish at the same time. If Erin was asleep, and not conscious, then Helga would be able to relax more and think about Arnold, and Hillwood, without having someone constantly try to drag out these feelings out of her. She didn't want to expose herself to Erin, because she already lost the people she cared about most.
She already lost the people she trusted most, and even though she was alive, so to speak, on Earth as an ethereal form being hosted by another body, the probability of seeing any of her loved ones was maddeningly low. She truly had become nothing more than a ghost to them, and she let out a dark chuckle thinking they would be quite accurate in regards to that assumption.
As Erin got dressed, Helga noticed a red belt and pastel pink dressy shirt. It reminded her of her favorite dress, and later, her favorite shirt. It was so familiar and, at that second, it felt as if she were in her own closet, looking for daily attire. Without even thinking about her actions, Helga reached for the items and put them on. When Erin turned to the mirror, her eyes grew; she hadn't intended to grab these combined pieces, but, upon looking the pieces over and adding a nice pair of denim slacks, Erin nodded in approval.
Helga, meanwhile, kept quiet. She really hadn't meant to take over the body. But why was it so easy? She was only supposed to be able t take control when Erin was unconscious or gave her permission to do so.
Wait…
Umm…Erin?
Erin blinked in surprise. It had been a few weeks since Helga had spoken to her, even though she felt her presence. She thought Helga was mad at her about something, or maybe too saddened from watching a reality she would never be able to actively participate in again, but for whatever reason, Helga was quiet.
Yes Helga?
D-did you let me pick out the top?
Erin looked over the outfit again, and still approved.
Yes. You seemed very interested in something, so I was curious what you would choose. And why. I can see the answer to the first question, but the second…Erin trailed off, trying not to pressure Helga.
It reminds me of clothes I used to wear…when…Helga stopped speaking after that, but Erin did seem to brighten a bit. It was a start.
Helga? Erin inquired, hoping to keep the spirit present.
Yeah? Helga gruffly asked. Erin felt her mind's gears turn.
Would you like to help me shop for clothes? I haven't gone in a while.
Meanwhile, Helga's mind also raced. What is she up to?
The uneasy feeling nagged at her more than anything else. It was bad enough to be stuck in some stranger's body as an ethereal form, given the blessing of life (sort of) but without being able to see those important people of your life. It was even more disconcerting to think that someone, someone new who Helga met recently, was trying to get to know her. To figure out who Helga was, when alive.
And worst of all. The tone of Erin's voice was what really scared Helga the most. It wasn't one of pity or sympathy. It was one of determination. It was the tone that made Helga believe that if Erin found out who she was, Erin would stop at nothing to reconnect Helga with all those people.
Her friends. She wasn't sure she wanted to see them in this form. She didn't want to hurt them further by showing that she was alive, in spirit, but stuck in the body of someone else. Because then, the pity would start. The empathy. The misleading promises that everything will be ok.
At this point, Helga was sure she wouldn't be able to handle those kinds of thoughts or words. What she really wanted to peaceful silence.
A peaceful silence she only ever achieved with one person.
Helga?
Helga snapped out of her thoughts.
Shop for your own damn clothes.
The bus ride to work felt like an eternity, especially when someone in your own mind is angry at you.
Not that that's a normal occurrence for most people, but Erin found the silence in her mind to be a bit too uncomfortable for her own liking. She twiddled with her purse, reminding herself of groceries she needed to buy when she came back home.
One big tomato? Or maybe a pack of cherry tomatoes? Hm what would work better with a main dish of salad…
Erin heard a snort in her mind.
What? There's a difference in taste! She defended.
Of course there is. There's always a difference between varieties of food, Helga affirmed, though a bit sarcastically.
Then what's the issue here? Erin fumed, getting increasingly annoyed with the guest in her mind. As grateful as she felt for Helga's heart, and as sympathetic she felt for Helga's sudden death, it was becoming increasingly difficult to share a mind. Especially when a part of it sulked at snapped at her when she wanted to reach out and help even though she knew she would never be able to fully repay Helga for what she did.
She still wanted to try. Be her lifeline (in a non-ironic way). Understand the person who had given her life back.
But when that person was angry and snappy, sympathy and empathy eventually gets thrown out the window.
It's just strange how you focus more on dinner than on your sister.
Erin's thoughts were halted, in pure shock.
My sister is in school right now, what can I do for her at this moment? She retorted, her usual patience wearing thin.
Plan time with her OUTSIDE of school. From what I understand, she's not exactly off at boarding school, Helga replied easily, ignoring the sudden shift in tone.
Erin growled in frustration, earning a few glances from the rest of the passengers.
So you're only talking to me to insult me?
Are you saying that saying you focus more on dinner than your sister or that planning time with her outside of school are insults? Man, compared to you, at least Olga TRIED, Helga scoffed, and if she didn't phrase it like that, Erin would have retorted back. Faster. Angrier even.
But Helga was, astonishingly, right. The way the sentence was phrased. The way she said it. The implications it provided.
Helga was right.
I'm…I'm a horrible sister…
Silence ensued.
You still have time to change that.
"Are you ready to start the job hunt?" Miles asked, passing his son's door.
"I hope so. A new city and I don't have too much experience either," the young blond responded, trying to choose which shirt to wear.
"Well if you ask me," Stella interjected, walking into the room and taking the two ties from her son's hands, "I think if you're true to yourself, and show who you are," she paused, deciding on a tie and tying it for her son, "then everything will fall into place."
Stella smiled as Arnold turned to face the mirror and tugged at his tie nervously. It was a red tie with yellow plaid patterning.
It looked like a familiar shirt from his childhood and teenage years.
"What makes you think everything will fall into place just by me being myself?" he hoarsely whispered. His parents exchanged a glance, and looked back at their son with empathetic eyes.
"Because when you hide the love in your heart, only you know it exists to begin with," Stella spoke softly, "No one can read your mind if they can't understand your heart first."
"That's what it means to be yourself," Miles continued, his tone and implication the same as his wife's.
Arnold just looked at his parents, and couldn't help but feel awed.
It was at that moment he realized just how hidden he kept his heart.
After the life-altering bus ride to work and a quick coffee to go, Erin made her way to her office's building. It was a tall building, with each floor comprising of different areas of specialty.
Her office was on the 6th floor. Her specialty was Psychology.
When Helga learned the news, she was stunned.
It all makes sense now, she thought glumly.
Erin's persistence to reach out to her. How Erin tried to befriend her. Even how Erin kept her patience with her (even though her temper was a lot shorter than Dr. Bliss's, although she did have to share her mind with Helga, so she wasn't sure how accurate that thought was).
Erin was a psychologist. And according to the signs outside the elevator, indicating all the doctor's on the floor, Erin had to be one of the top three. She was the one of the only doctor's with an office and her own private practice.
Erin was a psychologist. A good one, at the level of Dr. Bliss, apparently, and Helga felt nervousness settle in.
Helga was screwed.