Chapter 9: In which Sophie receives a guilt-ridden letter

The next morning when Howl woke up, he noticed that the sun was shining through his window into Wales. It was such an unusual sight that he was immediately drawn to the window, where he could see Mari outside in the yard. Her face was forlorn. Even though it was a beautiful day, she looked quite lonely as she played with the ball by herself. It reminded him that he hadn't been to see her since he had been in Strangia, and he owed his sister a long overdue explanation for what had happened before with the Witch of the Waste. He remembered the last time he had been there it had ended in an argument, with him storming out, and Megan as angry as ever. And wasn't that the reason Sophie had decided to try to visit his family on her own? He could imagine what kind of disaster that had turned out to be, and how that might have colored Sophie's thoughts of him. He had to go back and make things right with Megan. Now more than ever he was reminded that he was alone in this world, and even in his own world Megan and her children were the only family he had.

He dug through his closet, looking for his old clothes. He could have magicked his clothes into something more like his old world, but for what he was about to do, he didn't think wearing magical clothes would be appropriate. His closet was almost a bottomless pit, but eventually he found what he was looking for—a pair of brown trousers, blue and white trainers, a grey sweater, and a white shirt to go underneath. It was the clothing he had been wearing when he'd first stepped through the portal and found this world.

He put them on, noting that the trousers fit a bit too snuggly, and reminding him that he had changed, and not always for the better. Then he headed down the stairs, and was greeted by Calcifer.

"Are you feeling any better today?" the flame asked, his face full of concern.

"As well as could be, I suppose," Howl responded morosely. "If anyone stops by, tell them I'm away on business. I don't care how important it is, it can wait."

"What if the king asks for you?"

"Especially if the king asks for me. Today I'm going to take care of some things I've been neglecting."

"Isn't that treason?"

"What's he going to do? Track me down in another world, just to drag me back and imprison me?"

"So you're going to Wales then?"

"Yes. Sophie told me that she went to visit my sister. What on earth possessed you to let her go?"

"I did try to warn her against it, but you know how stubborn she can be."

"And why didn't you tell me she had gone?"

"I thought it was something Sophie would have wanted to tell you herself. And there was no point in me telling you while you were in Strangia, since there would have been nothing you could have done to fix things."

"Well, I'm here now. So is there anything else I should know?"

"I think Sophie may have wished herself back here, and your sister may have seen Sophie turn into an old lady."

"She what?!" Howl asked, alarmed.

"One moment she was in Wales, and the next she was back here and looking just as old as she did when she was cursed. She didn't even come through the door."

"That's impossible! I didn't think anyone would be able to travel between worlds without using a portal."

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Sophie has the makings of being a powerful witch. Even more powerful than you, Howl."

Howl was shaking his head in disbelief. "How marvelous. I wonder…but no, that's impossible now. Perhaps she'd be willing to allow Ben to teach her—if only Mrs. Pentstemmons were still alive. There's so much she needs to know…" He had a pesky feeling that it might even be dangerous for her to continue on without any formal training with magic, and he strongly believed that he would be the best one to teach her, but he didn't think he could spend time with her without wanting to be with her. For a moment he let hope blossom in his heart that this would be the perfect excuse to continue to spend time with her, and perhaps make her fall in love with him again. But he knew that such a hope was a foolish dream, and that she would be better off learning from someone else. Someone like Ben, who was fully competent, but who lacked the raw talent and creativity that one would need to become truly brilliant with magic. He knew that he would have to talk to Ben about her eventually, but not today.

After a long pause as Howl gathered his thoughts, he finally looked up to see Calcifer looking at him patiently. "I guess, I should be going," Howl said lamely.

"Good luck with your sister."

"Thanks, Calcifer." With those words, Howl strode out of the castle, black-blob turned down, and then turned around and found himself standing in front of his childhood home.

No matter how much time passed, and he had to admit to himself that time was passing, there was always something comforting about returning home. Not much had actually changed with the house, and even though it had been tough growing up with only his sister for a parent, he had always felt safe whenever he was in the confines of his house. Outside there were classmates who thought he looked funny with his glassy eyes, and mousy disheveled brown hair, and his penchant for letting his imagination get away with him so that he couldn't always tell what was the truth and what was just fantasy. But at home his sister didn't care if he wanted to spend the whole day with his nose in a book, as long as he was out of her hair. And even though he knew sometimes his sister resented him for being so young when their parents died, for needing someone to take care of him, for being the reason why she felt she had to get married so young, he knew that she loved him, and that they were all that each other had.

He reached into his pocket for his house key, but then remembering the trouble he had gotten in the last time, decided to knock.

He could hear someone walking down the hallway to the doorway. "Who is it?" his sister called warily.

"It's me," Howl replied matter-of-factly.

Megan opened the door, a look of surprise on her face. "You didn't bother picking the lock this time?"

"I apologize for before. It was rather rude of me."

Megan stepped aside to allow her brother in. "An apology? Has hell frozen over?"

"Please, stop," Howl begged, abashedly. "I have a lot to apologize for, and I would appreciate it if you could take me seriously."

Megan crossed her arms belligerently. "Why should I take you seriously? I've been trying to get you to act seriously your entire life, and that hasn't worked out for me. So how can I believe that you finally want to be taken seriously?"

"You are right in that regard. You have no reason to trust what I say other than the fact that I'm asking you to. So don't believe what I say if you can't, but at least hear me out."

Megan stared at Howl with piercing green eyes, and whatever struggles she felt, Howl could not tell, but eventually she gave a begrudging shrug, and sat down on the sofa. "Go on then. Let's hear it."

Howl sat on the sofa across from Megan, and looked down, not sure of how to start. So long was he silent that Megan let out a loud sigh and began, "Look, I don't have all day—"

"I know," Howl interrupted her. "It's just that what I'm about to tell you beggars belief, and I'm not sure if it will even help my case to tell you, or just show you."

"Why must you make everything so dramatic?" Megan rolled her eyes. "Just tell me!"

"All right, then. Do you remember the red head who terrorized you? The one that tried to take away Neil and Mari?"

"Yes." Megan nodded.

"She was a former paramour, one that I was engaged to, and when I broke her heart she cursed me."

"She cursed you out? That doesn't surprise me."

"No." Howl shook his head. "Not 'cursed me out.' She 'cursed me,' as in she put a spell on me so that she could steal my heart and make the 'perfect' man."

"Spells? Curses? Are you trying to tell me she was a witch?"

"Yes! That's it exactly!" Howl smiled brilliantly.

Megan immediately leaned forward to press the back of her hand against his forehead. It was such a motherly thing to do, and it immediately reminded him of when they were younger, and Megan hadn't become so irritated with him.

"I haven't got a fever!" Howl laughed.

"No? So you've just gone crazy, is that it? You know there is no such thing as magic. It's all a bunch of parlor tricks and slight of hand."

"There's no such thing as magic in this world. Or if there is, it is very hard to come by. That's true. But what if I told you there are other worlds? Hundreds of other worlds. Maybe even thousands. Some like this one, and others that are quite different. And in some of these worlds magic exists. Although I like to think that magic exists in every world, we just don't acknowledge it as such."

"What do I think?" Megan asked. "I think you are full of shit."

"Then let me prove it to you." Standing up, he went to the front door, and gestured for her to follow him.

Reluctantly, Megan followed him. She couldn't imagine what he could possibly show her that would prove his lunatic ramblings to be true, but she supposed it couldn't hurt too much to indulge him a bit.

Howl said something in a strange language, and then turned the door handle. She saw that there were different colors on the door knob, but she didn't really pay them any attention. Then Howl opened the door, and instead of seeing the even rows of houses along a narrow street, she saw a beautiful field of flowers of every kind. She blinked her eyes, trying to clear them, to make sure that what she was seeing was real, but every time she opened her eyes, the vision was still there. When she stepped through the threshold of the door she could feel the damp grass beneath her feet, and she could smell the sharp tang of the different flowers. It was amazing.

"How did you do this?" Megan asked, her eyes filled with wonder.

Howl smiled at her widely, and a bit smugly. "Magic."

Megan walked towards a large hibiscus plant, and reached out to touch the flower. Then she leaned forward so she could sniff its scent. "It's all real!" she exclaimed in amazement.

"So do you believe in magic now?" Howl asked.

Megan nodded slowly. "If I can't believe what my senses are telling me, then I don't really know anything, do I?"

Howl was about to respond when they heard, "Mum?" Megan suddenly turned around and saw Mari standing in the middle of a doorway that seemed to be hanging in the air.

Howl grinned abashedly. "I didn't mean for you to see this place, Mari. But now that you're here…"

Mari charged out of the house, and ran into Howl's arms. "Did you do this uncle Howell? Can you really use magic?"

"Yes, I can, Mari!" And he began to spin a wreath of red and green flowers for her hair, and to the young girl's amazement, it floated in the air until it came to rest on her head.

"This is so cool! What else can you do?"

"I can do many things." With those words, he raised a wind to slam the door shut, and then it disappeared, leaving no trace of the place where they had entered the land.

Mari squealed with delight, but Megan was a bit apprehensive. "Where are we?"

"We are on another world. I couldn't tell you where in the universe we are, only how we got here."

"Are you saying we're on another planet?"

"Possibly. It's possible we're on another planet entirely different from our own. Or we could be on our own planet, but in a different universe. I'm not exactly sure which."

Megan started to hyperventilate. "How…do you…know…this…is…safe?" she gasped.

"Mummy!" Mari cried in concern. Howl immediately rushed to his sister's side.

"I've been living here for the past ten years! The air is perfectly safe to breath. In fact, it's cleaner than ours. They have only just begun to have their industrial revolution here."

"I…don't care!" Megan wheezed. "I…want to…go back!"

Howl looked disappointed, but he waved his hand, and the door reappeared where it had been before. He lead his sister back to the house, and her breath immediately calmed down as soon as she was back in the comforts of her own living room.

"Love, would you get your mother a glass of water?" Howl asked. The little girl nodded, and ran out of the room.

Howl stared at his sister patiently as her breathing returned to normal. Finally she looked up at him with a mixture of fear and awe. "Do you believe me now?" he asked.

Megan thought about how to respond, and then nodded slowly. Mari came in with a glass of water and handed it to her, then sat down on the sofa next to her mother. Megan drank slowly, then put the glass on the table next to her. Looking at her brother she asked, "Why are you telling me this now? Why didn't you say something when you first discovered magic, or when you knew my family was in danger because of your witch?"

"I never intended to tell you," Howl admitted. Megan snorted with anger. "These worlds are a secret that only a few people know about, and the more who know, the more in danger this world and other worlds become. I thought it would be safer for you not to know."

"That's a convenient excuse," Megan scoffed.

"It's not an excuse. It's the truth."

"Then why tell me now? Why let Mari know?" she asked glancing at her daughter still wearing her crown of flowers, who was staring at Howl with wonder.

"I told you now because someone made me realize that by not being truthful with you I was putting you in more danger, and I was endangering our relationship."

"And who told you that?"

"She didn't tell me in so many words." Howl sighed. "But she reminded me that I should be honest with the people who are important to me, and that includes you."

"Do you mean Sophie?" Megan asked astutely.

"Yes. I believe she came to see you?"

"Yes, that's right. She tried to smooth things over between us. But I could tell she was lying. And that she had no idea what you were really like. So I told her the truth, and then she got upset and…disappeared." It was the first time Megan could admit to herself what she had seen. One moment Sophie had been talking to her, and the next she had turned into an old woman and disappeared into thin air. Megan had told herself that she had imagined the whole encounter, that she had fallen asleep on the couch and had a strange dream. But now she could admit that what she'd seen had really happened.

"What did you say exactly?"

"Only the truth," she replied defensively. "I told her that you could never settle down, and no matter what sweet talk you'd filled her head with, one day you would break her heart."

Howl blanched at her words. Shaking his head he said, "If my own sister could say such things about me, no wonder she found it hard to believe that I would stay faithful to her. Well, you should be happy to hear that it wasn't me who broke her heart this time. It was she who broke mine."

Howl looked so dejected that Megan could not help but feel sorry for him. Mari immediately ran over to her uncle to give him a hug. "You and Sophie broke up? But I liked her, she was so pretty!"

Howl hugged her back. "I agree. She was the prettiest woman that I've ever seen. But my reputation was too much for her, and so she fell for another man."

Megan reached out to grab his hand. "I'm sorry to hear that Howell. In all my rantings I never imagined that it would be you with the broken heart. As much as you may deserve it, I don't wish that kind of heartache on anyone."

"Thanks, Megan."

She still had a whole lot of unanswered questions, but the trust between them had begun to be mended. She knew the most important piece of the puzzle, what he did, and where he went every time he disappeared. Another world…it was remarkable. She suddenly realized that her brother wasn't as useless as she had thought. And she could see that her brother was really broken-hearted. Whoever this Sophie was, she had really changed him. Maybe he wasn't so hopeless after all.

More than a month went by since Howl visited his sister. In that time he had begun to mend fences between himself and his sister, and they had come to an understanding. Even though she was still fearful and wary of this new world that had been presented to her, she had begun to feel that her younger brother had actually made something of himself. She had seemed proud when he'd told her that he had created a moving castle, outwitted an evil witch, and was First Royal Wizard to a king. And when he'd told her how he had fallen in love with Sophie, she seemed remorseful for what she had said to her, and how she treated her. It was a great comfort to him.

He had also come to the conclusion that the dissolution of his betrothal to Sophie had been inevitable. She was too good for him, and he had never deserved her love. If she had found comfort in the arms of another man, it was no less than what he deserved, and all he had ever wanted was her happiness. He had also forgiven her for not writing to him; he believed that someone had been keeping his letters from her, and vice versa. But there was nothing to be done about it now.

He was kept busy making spells for war. Ingary had declared war and invaded Strangia, and the King was constantly ordering more and more attack spells, defense spells and magically enhanced weapons and armor. Luckily for him, the King didn't seem to require that he be out on the front lines, only continue to supply him with what he needed, which he could do in his own home. Howl tried not to think about Sophie, or how many lives he was responsible for taking, and managed to do so with frequent bouts of drinking.

One morning, Howl noticed that one of his favorite suits, the blue and silver one, had gone missing. He supposed he hadn't worn it in so long because it was what he was wearing the last time he'd seen Sophie, and even now his memories of that day were too painful, though they had been muddled by his drinking.

"Calcifer! Have you seen my blue and silver suit?" he yelled.

"Yes, of course. I had it cleaned for you. Don't you remember? It was filthy, and in one of my few fits of sympathy for you I offered to have it cleaned."

"Well, where is it then? I have to see the King today and I might as well try not to appear like a complete drunken lout."

"It's over there in the airing cupboard. I hung it there to dry and completely forgot about it."

Howl walked over to the cupboard and opened the door. It was full of towels, mismatched spare socks, and other forgotten linens and such. He knew that Sophie had used to keep it quite neat, but since it was only he, Michael, and Calcifer, chaos had slowly crept in. Howl found the suit hanging on the door just like Calcifer said it would be. He took it out and was closing the door when he felt something small ping him in the forehead. Calcifer had thrown something at him.

Howl leaned down to pick it up. "What's this?" he asked.

"It's a button."

"I know that! But why did you throw it at me?"

"I found it in a pocket in your suit, but it didn't seem to match, and no buttons were missing, so I wondered if you'd kept it for a reason."

Howl stared at the button. It clearly didn't belong to the blue and silver suit, but it seemed familiar somehow. It was round and white, and there was something about it that was distinctly feminine. It must have belonged to a woman.

As he stared at the button he could feel something tugging at the back of his mind, like a dog pulling on his pant-leg, urging him to go somewhere. It was memory. It pulled and tugged at him until something tipped over, and then suddenly he was awash with it. He was in a field with Sophie and he was grabbing her to him and kissing her. Then he was pulling her down with him and ripping apart her clothes. It was like his dream! The strange one he'd had when he'd woken up hungover. Had his dream been real? Had he really touched her? Had he really used her for his pleasure without any regard for what she wanted? And then he'd been drunk enough and callous enough to forget it! But the truth of it was staring him in the face, in the form of that button!

He staggered back with the realization, dropping the suit to the ground and clutching the back of a chair for support.

"What's the matter?" Calcifer asked in alarm.

"I am the most horrible of fiends! I am without honor or basic human decency, and I do not deserve to live with the things I have done. Sophie! I have most ignobly wronged her, and what's worse is I didn't even remember it until this very moment! What am I to do? What could I possibly do that may in some small way atone for my transgressions? Even if I had believed her to be the most sullied of harlots, that does not justify my behavior towards her—"

"Dear god, man! What did you do?" Calcifer interrupted in exclamation.

"I have despoiled Sophie. I have taken her flower. I compelled her to lie with me on the cold earth, and I…I…." Howl could not even finish his thought, and held his head in his hands in his deep shame.

"You forced Sophie?" Calcifer roared. His flame, which usually burned bright yellow had turned into a deep blue and green flame, and he grew twice his normal size in his wrath.

Howl began weeping and threw himself castrate onto the floor. "To my complete and utter shame, I do not remember!" he wailed. "I had meant for us to be married, that our first time would be in our bed, and it would be sweet and perfect, but I think for her it was nothing but pain and misery. I did not kiss her the way I should have, or do any foreplay as I usually would have to make her ready. I just blindly took that which I wanted, and now she must pay the consequences. If anyone were to find out, she would become a social pariah. Her prospects for a good marriage would be destroyed. And even now she may be traumatized and feel that something that should be wonderful and good between a man and woman is nothing more than a drunken lout moaning and groping her. Or even worse, I could have got her with child! What am I to do? She must not want anything to do with me, but if she is with child, she will be forced to carry the child of her rapist and endure the censure of society, a society she would not even have been introduced to if I hadn't broken the Witch of the Waste's heart, which set into motion all of the events that lead Sophie to the doorstep of my moving castle." Howl rose up onto his hands and knees and crawled to the hearth where Calcifer was still raging. "You have to tell me what to do. You have to be my counsel. Should I contact Sophie and try to beg her forgiveness? Or should I wait until she's become the fodder of all the gossipmongers in town? Tell me what I should do, and I'll do it!" he begged.

Seeing how earnestly Howl seemed to be contrite, Calcifer took pity and shrank down to his normal size. "I cannot counsel you what to do, Howl. If she does not want to see you again—and if you were in her situation, would you?—then you cannot go to her. Even to apologize would be to make her relive an experience that as you said, could have left her wounded to her very soul. But perhaps she does want to see you again, to tell you that she hates you, or to tell you that she forgives you, but she is too ashamed and believes that what happened was her fault. In that case, it would only be right for you to go to her, and allow her to gain closure on what happened. And if she is with child, then it is only fair that you would take responsibility. You were already engaged, no one would think anything of a quick marriage, and it could save Sophie the humiliation of becoming an unwed mother. But there is no easy path for you. You must do what you think is best for Sophie."

Howl took heed of Calcifer's advice, and thought long and hard about what he should do. He wanted to go to her immediately and throw himself at her feet and beg forgiveness, but he thought that that would be unfair to her. Whatever happened, he wanted it to be her choice, since he felt that he had taken it away from her before. Eventually he decided that he should write a letter to her, to give her the option of seeing him again or not.

He wrote and rewrote the letter about a dozen times, until eventually he could not write anymore and decided that he could only write what was in his heart, and it could either condemn him or deliver him from condemnation. So in his final letter, he wrote without stopping and did not reread it, for fear that he would never finish it or send it off. As soon as he was done, he signed it, sealed it, and had it delivered via special courier. He did not want to risk that it wouldn't get to Sophie, so he asked the courier to stay there until he was dismissed by Sophie herself.

The letter went like this:

Dearest Sophie,

I know it is not my right to call you such, or even to dare write to you after the horrible way that I dishonored you, but I must try to make reparations for the pain and hurt I am sure that I have caused you. Even though I know there is no hope of your forgiveness, I have to tell you that I am so terribly sorry. I cannot tell you how much the guilt for what I did has eaten away at me, and yet it is only just now that I have remembered what it was I have done. Please believe me, if I had realized what I had done earlier, I would have apologized sooner. And even though an apology cannot take away the pain I have caused, I hope that there are other ways in which I can make reparations. In other words, I am writing to inform you that if you find yourself with child, it is not necessary that you endure the shame of it. There are ways…if you were to come to Wales with me…and then any reminder of my reprehensible violation of you can be got rid of. But there is a part of me, a selfish, greedy part that hopes that you are with child, and that you will bear it for me and allow me to claim it, and you as my wife. For that is all that I have ever wanted, and despaired of it happening. But I shouldn't tell you my hopes since I am sure they are far different from your own. You needn't write to me if this letter finds you indifferent to me, but if you are in need of me, all you have to do is write me back and hand it to the courier who has delivered this note, and I will be there to assist you in any way that I can.

Your Humble Servant,

Howl

In the time that had passed since the last time she had seen Howl, Sophie had tried to put thoughts of him out of her mind. She still felt incredibly guilty about what had transgressed between them, and regretted that she had not done more to convince him not to break their engagement. But it was impossible for her to change the past. She no longer had any callers, and purposefully avoided her sisters, so she spent all of her time in Fanny's home remembering all the time she had spent with Howl, and especially that last night with him. She remembered the way his lips had felt on hers, and the heat of his breath, and the heaviness of his body pressing hers into the earth. It made her feel incredibly wanton, but she was too ashamed to admit it to anyone for fear they would tell her that she wasn't a good girl anymore. And perhaps she wasn't. All she wanted was to be in Howl's arms again. But she was afraid that he would no longer want her if he knew that she had allowed him to have his way with her, so she couldn't tell him and admit what was in her heart, even though she wanted to.

She was completely caught off guard when a courier presented to her a letter from Howl. Tearing it open, she was shocked by what she read. Did he really believe that he had hurt her? Well, he had at first, but it was nothing compared to the pain she felt from their separation. And what did he mean that there were ways that she could get rid of a child? Why would she ever want to get rid of his child? Despite her confusion her heart rejoiced as she read and reread his proposal of marriage. Weren't her hopes exactly the same as his? Even now, perhaps especially now, she wanted to be with him, and she didn't care what she had to do or say to be with him.

She knew that she wasn't with child, for her menses had come the week before, but a part of her was still afraid that Howl wouldn't want to have anything to do with her unless he felt obligated to. She read and reread his letter again, and he only mentioned feeling guilt for what he had done the night he came to her drunk. What if the only reason he was writing to her was because he felt responsible for any child he may have begot on her? What if his only regret was that he could have gotten her with child, and otherwise he did not regret breaking their engagement? A part of her knew she was being irrational, and there was something deeply disturbing about her desire to be with him no matter what, even if he didn't really love her anymore and only wanted to marry her because he thought he had to. If it were really true, then shouldn't she want better for herself? But when had she ever been rational when it came to Howl? She couldn't risk it. Even if he didn't really love her anymore she still loved him, and she just knew she could make him love her again. She just needed to see him.

Sophie immediately sat down at her desk and wrote a return note. Almost as soon as it was written and given to the courier to deliver, leaving her waiting in the front hallway in anxious anticipation, Howl was at her doorstep looking pale, gaunt, and frail, his hair its natural color of a darkling thrush. She did not wonder at how Howl had made it there so quickly, she only allowed him in and escorted him to the parlor room.

He didn't sit down, but remained standing, looking down at his feet and unable to look her in the eye. Sophie didn't know what to say and so she sat down and waited for him to talk. After a few moments spent in silence except for the crackle of the fire glowing in the hearth, that felt like minutes even if they were only seconds, did Howl finally raise his head to confirm his suspicions. He looked her over carefully, noticing the dark smudges under her eyes, and the paleness of her skin, and felt even guiltier than he already did, knowing full well that he was the cause of her condition.

"You're with child then?" he asked.

Feeling that it would be easier to lie if she didn't speak, she only nodded her head. She wasn't sure that she would be able to speak even if she wanted to, her throat was so thick with emotion at the heartbreaking sight of him.

Howl closed his eyes and let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. When his eyes opened again he had scrounged his face into a determined mask. "You want me to take you to Wales." It hurt him to say those words. Something very primal inside of him battled against the idea, but he had no right to tell her what to do, even if her decision went against everything his heart felt.

"I know it's your body, and I violated it. I took what wasn't mine, and I have no right to ask, but I must. Please don't get rid of my baby. If you don't want it, I'll take you away until the baby is born and no one will know about it, then you can go on with your life and I'll take care of it. Or if you don't want to be away from your mother and sisters, I can arrange it so that they can come visit you anytime that they want; all they would have to do is step through a doorway. You know I can do this. I'll do whatever you want, just don't—"

"Howl!" Sophie said, her voice choked with unshed tears. "I don't want any of those things."

Howl nodded his head jerkily and began to cry, his tears running slowly down his face. "All right. I won't ask you for anything more."

"Wait, Howl." She stood up and put her hand on his chest where she could feel his heart beating rapidly. "You said in your letter that you still wished to marry me. Is that true?"

"Yes. Though I never should have said so. I had no right—"

"Then claim me for your wife."

"What?" Howl asked breathlessly, disbelievingly.

"If you still want me, then have me. I am yours. What I have wanted most in the world is still the same as the day that you asked me to marry you."

"But…I have behaved most dishonorably towards you."

"What you took is no more than what I wanted you to have. I gave myself to you willingly because I love you."

As her words began to seep in Howl looked incredulous. "Do you mean you don't hate me? I didn't harm you? Are you really well? I did not treat you the way I should have to make your first time easy for you."

Sophie shook her head. "You didn't hurt me! I never imagined that I could feel anything like that. It was a little uncomfortable at first," Howl flinched at that, "but then it became nice. I wanted you to because I love you, and I've been thinking about that night all the time—" But before she could continue he dragged her into his arms and crushed her to him, sighing in relief, burying his face in her hair and breathing in the fragrant scent. Then he pulled back and kissed her deeply, claiming her with his mouth. He held her tightly as if he was afraid she would disappear if he let her go.

When they were both breathless with excitement he pulled away again. "If I don't stop now, I won't be able to. And I promise you I won't touch you again until we are legally wed. But it won't be very long. I think I can get a marriage certificate today if we hurry, especially if we tell the magistrate that you are with child."

Sophie began to feel guilty about her lie. "Do you think we won't be able to get a marriage certificate quickly if I'm not with child?"

Howl immediately leapt to the conclusion that she was ashamed of her condition. "Well, I'm sure I could, but it would make things easier and more urgent if I told the magistrate the truth. But first there is something else I should tell you. That perhaps will change your mind about marrying me."

"What is it?"

"I feel you deserve to know the truth about why I was so drunk that night."

"Why did you get drunk?"

"While I was away Michael wrote to me, keeping me abreast of business in the shop and how things were going with his own practice of magic. And he always told me about you and how you were doing since your own letters were not so forthcoming."

"What do you mean? I wrote to you daily and sent them with the mail every week."

"I believe that your letters may not have been forwarded to me. Did you by any chance hand them directly to the postman, or give them to someone else?"

"Well, I would put them with all the other mail."

"In eight weeks I received three letters. Two were in the first week."

"But how is that possible?" Sophie tried to think about who would have had access to her letters, and who could have had cause to want to prevent her from sending or receiving any. Suddenly it came to her. "Fiona!" Sophie gasped. "She never liked you. I'm not sure why, but she was the one who took care of the mail."

Howl looked thoughtful. "I can tell you the reason. Like you, she had a younger sister who I had spurned," Howl explained. "I broke her heart, and when she became ill I'm afraid she didn't have the will to overcome it, and she died," he finished guiltily.

"Merciful heavens! No wonder she hates you so much. Poor Fiona! But you can't believe that I would hate you for her sister's death. I know it wasn't your fault. People become sick every day, and sometimes there's nothing we can do. The same happened to my mother." It was the first time she'd spoken of her mother, her real mother, in a long time, and the thought of her still filled her with sadness even though she barely remembered her. She shook her head slightly, shaking off the memory of crying inconsolably for her mother to wake up, and Howl caressed her cheek empathetically. "And I know that you didn't mean to break her heart…" Sophie continued, "that you were really trying to fall in love, but you were afraid that you couldn't because you had given away your heart."

"No, it's not that. I am very grateful that you have such a forgiving, understanding heart." He took her chin into his thumb and forefinger, then gently kissed her forehead. "The truth is that I didn't trust you. Michael also told me that you hadn't been wearing your ring. And that itself would not have worried me since you probably took it off so that you wouldn't get it dirty—I know how much you hate to ruin your pretty things, and that you feel much more comfortable in dull gray dresses than silk gowns fit for a queen. But he also told me that you had been spending a lot of time with the Prince. And that he saw you kissing him." He said this without giving her any indication that he blamed her, only steady acceptance.

"I…he…kissed me. Just the once. And after that I stopped seeing him."

"Why were you seeing him?"

"Well, you were gone…and he told me he only wanted to be my friend."

Howl laughed. "Trust me, my darling. No man will ever be able to be near you and only want to be your friend."

"I didn't know that at the time, but I do now. Anyway, as for the ring. I…lost it. I'm sorry. I was wearing it one minute, and then it was gone."

"It's all right, love. It's only a ring."

"I still don't see why I should be upset with you. Why if I had heard that you had been kissing other girls I would have hit you over the head with a frying pan, and the girl too!"

"But I should have known you better than that…after I read Michael's letter, I made arrangements to come home immediately to see for myself even though I had not finished the work the King had sent me to do. And when I got here I ran into Mrs. Johnson, who told me some very crude and disgusting things about you. And…I believed her. Sophie, can you ever forgive me for believing that you were less than the innocent honorable girl that I fell in love with?"

"What did she tell you?"

"That you had given yourself to the Prince. And so I went to a tavern and got really drunk, then when I saw you again, thinking the worst of you, I was jealous out of my mind. And that's why I wanted you. I wanted what I thought you'd already given to the prince."

Sophie's reaction was startling in its intensity. "You thought I betrayed you with Prince Justin by letting him do to me what I let you do to me?!"

Howl squirmed with guilt and nodded.

Sophie's color rose with indignation. "I may not know very much about what goes on between the sexes, but I do know that whatever it is it is supposed to be sacred. It's supposed to be only between people who love each other, and I can't believe you would ever think that I would willingly be unfaithful to you!"

Howl dropped to his knees in a position of complete supplication. "I am so sorry, Sophie, more than words can ever say. I projected my own behavior onto you, which is completely unfair."

"What do you mean by 'your own behavior?' What have you done? Have you been unfaithful to me?" Sophie felt her heart constrict at the thought. It hurt her just to think about.

Howl shook his head. "I swear to you—on our own child's life—" he said placing his hand gently on her belly, "that I never betrayed you. But I could have," he confessed, bowing his head in shame. "When I was feeling at my loneliest and angry that I hadn't heard from you, I thought about how easy it would be to find comfort in the arms of another woman. And if I hadn't gotten my heart back…if you hadn't given it back to me, and immediately laid claim to it for yourself…I could have…I would have…and so I wrongly thought that you could have done the same. But I know better now, and I am ashamed to admit that I even thought it was possible. I have done you wrong in so many ways, how can you ever forgive me?"

Sophie began to cry with relief, and fell down to her knees to join him on the floor. "How can I forgive you? How can you forgive me? It is I who has wronged you, who allowed my own jealousy to permit another suitor to court me, which has led to nothing but heartbreak for us both. If my reputation is in tatters, it is for my own foolishness, and you are still kind and loving enough to still want me. You have nothing to ask forgiveness for, and I can only beg for yours. Even now, I have got you to come here on a pretense, when I should only have been honest with you from the very beginning—"

"My darling, Sophie, nothing you have done warrants my forgiveness, but if you promise to forgive me, then I promise to forgive you as well."

Sophie shook her head, "Since we are being completely honest with each other, I have more to confess. I put a spell on you. That night, when you came to me…when we…"

"When we made love?" he posited.

"Is that what it is called?"

"When two people love each other as we do and copulate as we did, yes, I like to call it 'making love' though I only remember very little of it, and can only take your word that it was pleasurable for you."

"That's just it, though, the reason you can't remember anything is because I wished that you would forget it, and it seems that you did."

Howl laughed in amazement. "Are you telling me, that it was you who took advantage of me? I can't remember that night clearly not because I was too drunk, but because you used your magic on me?"

Sophie nodded. "Are you mad at me?"

Howl grinned even more widely at that. "Be mad at you? Of course not! I was so terrified that I was so drunk I passed out, and I was afraid of what I could have done to you if I was that inebriated. But you tell me that I didn't hurt you and I didn't black out, but you used your magic to make me forget. Forgetting spells are rather difficult, but you managed it even without training! That's probably why I started to remember some of it, but it's still rather amazing. Sophie, you are amazing, and I love you, and you have made me the happiest of men, just when I thought all hope was lost." He kissed her again, grateful to have her in his arms again, to be able to be completely truthful with her and know that she didn't hate him or think the worst of him. It was as if a great burden had been lifted from his chest, and it left him feeling incredibly light and happy.

Sophie pulled away regretfully because she still had one more confession, but before she could say anything, the room was suddenly flooded with intense bright light. Then she felt the same absence of anything, heat or cold, light or darkness, much like she felt in the Nothing between Ingary and Wales, and she was no longer touching Howl. She couldn't hear or see anything; she could only feel the Nothing surrounding her. But then she felt something grab onto her, as if she were being plucked out of water, and suddenly she was tossed into a strange dark room.

A/N: Less than four years between updates! I'm doing better! (But still much too long. My apologies.)

For the longest time I knew how I wanted this to end, but I wasn't sure how to get there. But after battling writers block for years I think I know where I want this to go. I've got one more chapter and an epilogue planned. I could use some help though. There are some loose ends I intend on tying up in the last chapter, but I'm not sure that I have them all, so if you could tell me what questions you have, I would really appreciate it. For example, a lot of you suspected that Fiona was the one who was keeping their letters from each other, and you were right, and now we know why. So what else do you want to know? Hopefully, if I'm doing this right I will have already answered all of your questions in my current draft, but if I haven't then I know I need to make sure I address them.

Thanks to all of you for hanging in here with me throughout the years. I do plan on finishing this thing, and there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. We're almost there!