I seriously apologise for how long this turned out to be, I considered splitting it, but there was no way it would have any sense. Also I'm sorry about the hold up in posting, I have noticed the timeline in the show is a little weird, Amelia's pregnancy here is timed almost exactly like Meredith's and while I was looking up pregnancy stuff (cos I know virtually nothing about it) I saw the dates didn't match. So I'm working on adjusting that all the while trying to maintain some sort of continuity with the show as not to make it too au. Apart from that, I hope this is any good, my social life spiked and I have had less time and energy to look after this one, so let me know (for real). I won't make any promises about updates because I have a lot to do in the next couple of days, but it's going to happen before next week for sure.
p.s. I'm going to give this another read tomorrow and clean out any residual spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm posting this mid day and my brain is already dead, so bear with me for now.
It felt like a dream. When Amelia woke up the next morning, she couldn't tell where her life ended and the dream began. It was absurd and it was the typical one in a million shot type of things, the one that only happens in the movies. Breathing deeply she checked the time, her alarm had yet to go off, so she should have more than enough time to get ready for work. Her alarm had not gone off indeed. It was late, so late. It was so late that she'd waken up because of the light coming through the large windows in her room. Blinking rapidly a few times she tried to wake her brain up, not a method rooted in science, but one that undoubtedly worked. And that's when she remembered everything. She was in her room, because yesterday Owen had insisted on taking her home, so she could sleep in her own bed. It had been weird and awkward and neither had wanted to say anything that could possibly ruin the day. Suddenly the good news from yesterday didn't sound all that good anymore. Her hand snaked down to where she knew she would feel the little bump, mostly to make sure it was really there. Amelia traced the outline – the parts she could feel – and felt something she hadn't felt in so long. It always sounded so stupid to her, getting attached to a few cells growing inside of your body. Like getting attached to a tumour. She'd been happy, yesterday, elated and excited, but now the rainbows were fading and the unicorns were running away. It was a giant mess, one of epic proportions. She couldn't be pregnant, she couldn't have another baby. Not in any circumstances and especially not like this. She didn't want another baby, she had convinced herself she did, Sheldon's overbearing presence and comfort had somehow made her believe she could get past what happened to her son, but right now she couldn't. Her stomach turned at the thought. She was going to be someone's mom again and with any luck they'd get to live more than a few minutes. Problem was, she didn't want that, she couldn't handle that now. The last couple of months her main goal had been surviving, putting one foot in fron of the next, staying clear of anything else.
Her stomach turned and she willed it to be morning sickness instead of nerves and regret. Sadly, it didn't quite work that way. Amelia looked at the clock again and realised Owen's plane had taken off a couple hours ago. The plane she'd convinced him to take. There was a part of her infinitely glad he was gone for now, she needed time and space and carrying his baby didn't allow her that privilege, but being a continent apart would certainly help. Then again, she wanted him here. Only some of the time – like right now – she wanted him here, she wanted him here when she had to have another ultrasound. She wanted him here when her scrubs no longer hid the bump on her stomach and she wanted him here right now when she wanted to have apple with cheese and chocolate chips in the middle of the night. Because she was freaking out. Completely and totally freaking out. She couldn't do this, who was she kidding. All those things they had said yesterday, all hyped on hormones and happy, tingly feelings were worth nothing at the moment. Her and Owen were not together, they had never really been and they were having a child. Their child would be born in a few months and they were not together. They weren't even friends, she had no idea what it was. Right now, she needed Owen to tell her what to do, but he was gone. Because she'd made him go. Because she would have been beyond mad if he'd stayed. Yet she wanted him here. It made no sense at all. Picking up her phone she saw he'd texted her, he was saying goodbye, he hadn't called to let her sleep and wanted her to text him after the ultrasound because he didn't know when that would be and he'd spend the day hopping on and off planes. Amelia couldn't help but not know how to feel. Her stomach twisted even more at the realisation that there was the chance Owen might just want his baby. The text felt so cold and distant and when she had tried to kiss him yesterday, he'd pulled away. The sick feeling that he would now put up with her only because she was the mother of his child settled in the pit of her stomach. She was alone and scared out of her mind. Quick as she could she got dressed and grabbed her car keys and headed to the hospital, leaving behind that haunted house and empty land. Derek was gone and so was Meredith, knowing Owen was right across the clear had been comforting, but now that he was gone too, she couldn't handle being there alone.
She was walking to the attendings' lounge planning to dutifully do nothing but review charts and read research magazines. Unfortunately, the first person to spot her was Arizona. When Amelia met her eyes she had a scolding look on her face and shook her head at her. "What did we say about taking it easy?"
Amelia smiled, it was fake and the skin on her cheeks was stretching way too much. She gestured at the couch and magazines. "I am. I'm not working, promise."
Arizona huffed. Doctor patients were so annoying, permanently convinced they could treat themselves. She closed the door behind her and walked over to the other couch, sitting down facing her. "You should be resting, Amelia." She said in a low, soft voice. "I'm serious."
"Yeah." Amelia nodded and looked away. She should have a brother and a boyfriend and she should have a three year old son and she should have a father. Somehow, every time she thought about her future she just felt the past dragging back down her more and more. It felt as if every single person she lost was yet another weight chained to her feet and it was getting pretty damn hard to go on. Especially when her brain had registered – mid way to the hospital – that there was a chance, a bigger one than usual, that Owen would join her dad and Derek and Ryan and Pete and Mark and her baby. "I'm resting, just not at home."
Arizona looked at her sceptically, Amelia's voice was less sarcastic, less playful and so full of sorrow. She didn't know Amelia well enough to know if she was lying or not, if she should check on her or just let her be. "You're telling me you're not going to see patients or do surgery? Not even consults?" Deer in the headlights. She'd planned to go down to the ER after a nap, but now she couldn't lie. "Amelia."
"Okay, okay." She shrugged her shoulders, turning back to the magazine. "I won't do anything besides eating and napping. I promise." She looked at Arizona and could still see the blatant mistrust in her eyes. "I'm not even going to do charts, nada."
Arizona shook her head knowing it was a lost cause to argue with pregnant surgeons, she knew all about that, she'd better not waste any energy. Pulling out her phone she checked her schedule, barring any emergencies she had a little time before her next surgery. "I have a few minutes, do you want to do the ultrasound now, so then you can go home?"
A lump formed in Amelia's throat. She wasn't going to go home. There was no way she'd go back there tonight. Or tomorrow. Not when she saw ghosts around every corner, not when it felt so empty she'd rather sleep at the cemetery. Every corner she turned she saw Zola's shadow or Bailey crawling or she'd check to see if Meredith was around. Late at night she sometimes heard Derek's voice, from his bedroom, she heard him call her name. It was daunting and living there, in the Dream House, had turned into a nightmare. She didn't know what to do about her living arrangements, but for now the hospital would do.
She must have seen it in her eyes, because Arizona warned her softly. "Amelia."
It was between a warning and a last ditch effort to reach out to her. "I can't go back there. I'll figure something out, okay? I just can't. It's spooky."
"I can understand that, but you can't stay here either. Especially not now. You can't think only for yourself." Her eyes softened so much Amelia wanted to vomit. "It might sound stupid, but it's important. Where you sleep, how much you sleep it does matter. Your baby needs you to take care of him or her now too, which means taking care of yourself."
She knew all about that. She didn't need any lectures on how to take care of herself and her baby, she'd done it before and she'd done it well, so well that her baby had been a viable donor and saved dozens of other babies. She'd taken care of herself when most women would have terminated or just let go. When she could have very well found her way to the pier and drowned all the sorrow in her life in drugs, so many drugs. Despite being still in recovery and grieving the loss of her fiancé, she'd done everything she could for her son. Arizona couldn't know that, or rather, she couldn't bear to breath those words out loud, to anyone. Amelia felt her eyes burn with tears, she'd forgotten how much she hated pregnancy hormones. Breathing in deeply she gathered all her composure, praying it would last long enough, and looked up at Arizona, not even bothering to put on a smile. "We can, uh, do it now. The ultrasound."
Arizona smiled, relieved. "Alright. You can page Owen while I'll go look for an empty room."
And Amelia felt a stab in the chest. Owen wasn't going to be here. Up to now she had not realised that by sending him away, convinced it was what was best for him – and by extension her – she was taking away from him all these moments. Ultrasounds and pictures and heartbeats. She felt the guilt rise like bile in her throat and felt the urge to call him, beg him to come home. Not to be with her, but to share this with her. One thing at the time. "He's not coming." Arizona turned, confused. "He's on a plane to Iraq. Well, actually, he's on a plane to London, then Rome and then one to Iraq, but yeah. He won't make it."
Arizona nodded and decided not to ask. She could see Amelia struggling as it was, she didn't want to add up. "Okay then, let's get the little one checked out."
Amelia followed her wordlessly out of the room. To think she'd been so happy yesterday. For the first time in a very long time – way before her brother died – she'd felt good. She'd felt as if the universe was finally giving back after taking so much from her, she'd always imagined there had to be kind of a balance, something that would explain the truck load of bad she'd put up with ever since she was a little kid. Today, though, it didn't feel too good. It felt messy, the stressful and frustrating kind of messy she couldn't handle right now. And she'd driven away the only person who was there for her. Way to go, Amelia. She looked down as she walked, a couple of steps behind Arizona, avoiding the eyes of all the people passing by, as if just with a look they would know everything going on with her. After a few tries they found an empty exam room and walked in, locking the door behind. The last thing Amelia needed was the entire hospital to know she was pregnant. She didn't even know if she was still pregnant, regardless, it was going to be hard enough as it was. She sat down, pulling up her scrub top like she'd done so many times yesterday and her mind, without her explicit permission, went to the last ultrasound, the one Owen had done. Or tried. The one they ended up doing together.
"Whenever you're ready." Arizona smiled soothingly, noticing the look in Amelia's eyes. She'd noticed it yesterday too, how she was trying too hard to keep it together and, while it appeared so, just by looking into her eyes she could see the immense amount of pain and effort it took. Arizona found she had a lot of respect for her, for her strength. Her will to move forward, push through.
Amelia nodded and flinched as the cold gel hit her skin. Arizona was talking to her, she was sure of that, but she couldn't hear a word she was saying. Her eyes were fixated on the transparent, sticky stuff on her belly and she couldn't focus on another single thing. Her head was full, filled to the brink with every possible worry and fear and guilt and hope and anticipation. She couldn't help it, her gut and her medical training both told her the embryo growing inside of her was fine, well, as fine as an ultrasound could determine this early, but fine nonetheless. Yet she was trying her hardest to keep her hopes down, expecting the worst, after all her track record didn't really leave space to warm, fuzzy feelings. She stared intently at Arizona's hand move, tentatively and swiftly at first, once she tested her pain level today it started pressing down a little harder in certain spots. Amelia kept her eyes away and Arizona ignored that, continuing the exam. It was stupid, in a way, Amelia knew that, she knew everything was most likely fine. She wasn't in pain anymore, discomfort at best, and she'd felt the same mass from yesterday, it was still there. She'd seen the ultrasound images and, while her everyday work rarely had her go over ultrasounds of babies, she was fairly certain it was okay. It was normal, it was how it should be. Once again, the more it looked okay, the more it just felt cruel. Its sister or brother died. The fact that this one was looking good, had been enough of an incentive yesterday not to think about the loss, but staring at the probe moving around she felt a wave of sadness wash over. And tears, damn hormones.
Arizona put the probe away and handed her something to wipe the gel. Amelia took it, without looking up, finally breaking her overly intense focus. She mechanically wiped the hideous gel and pulled the top back down, looking up at Arizona for the first time since she started the exam. She smiled, that wide dimply smile that seemed forever plastered on her face. Actually, no, it wasn't the smile she wore every single day, it was a little different. Amelia noted, there was a note of… sympathy, something she wasn't particularly fond of. "So, what's the verdict?"
The smile grew wider, but she now could feel it wasn't as perky and cheerful as usual. It was reassuring and warm. It was a parent smile, not a friend smile. "Everything looks absolutely perfect. The measurements suggest you're about seven weeks, while the development puts you at eight, don't worry about that, it's completely normal this early for the two not to match and considering what happened, I wouldn't worry too much about it." Amelia nodded numbly. She felt so alone. And so stupid. It was her own fault she was alone. "Your due date should be halfway through January, although I can't be more precise right now, we'll just wait a few weeks and see how your little one settles, so I can date the pregnancy better." Amelia nodded again, sitting up, ready to go and busy herself with reading something long and complicated to keep her mind off this and hopefully tire it enough that she'd have a worry free nap before lunch. However, Arizona was not done. "Of course, if you can date it better already, we can be better prepared."
The hint was no hint. It was a question and, at the moment, one she didn't know the answer to. Well, part of it. Her and Owen hadn't slept together only once, but not that many times and for so long that it was impossible to guess. Still, she didn't know what Arizona wanted to know. "No, not any better than that."
Arizona nodded thoughtfully. "Amelia." She tried to get her attention, she'd been avoiding eye contact for the whole duration of the exam and she'd barely been able to look at her before. "If you need anything … if you need to talk, I'm here."
Amelia nodded, sniffling, but never looking up. If only it was that easy. "I'm fine, but thanks. You're already doing enough."
"Oh, please. This is my job." Arizona's eyes softened, even though Amelia couldn't see she could guess. She had got enough pity looks to sense it. "I mean everything else. You look like you could use a friend and I'm an awesome friend."
Finally Amelia looked up at her. The smile on her face just didn't want to stay, she couldn't blame it. "Thanks, but it's okay, really." She sighed, she was trying her hardest to be convincing, to put on a brave face and look as confident as she'd have liked to be right then. From the look Arizona gave her it didn't take a genius to know she was failing miserably. She wanted a friend, she did want someone, but at the same time she didn't want to be anyone's pity case. There was Richard for that already, she appreciated his effort and his attention, but it was still annoying and mildly frustrating to be dragged to meetings like clockwork. "It's just…" she shook her head. Even if she tried she didn't know where to begin.
Arizona waited a few seconds for her to continue, but when it became obvious that she wasn't going to she just took the plunge. "Owen left?" when her brain registered the question she wanted to slap herself. "I mean, I thought he would stay, considering-"
"He knocked me up?" Amelia smiled sadly. It seemed she had made an even bigger mess than necessary. She should have let Owen stay – it wasn't as if she'd shoved him on the plane, verbally, maybe, but he was adult and vaccinated – she shouldn't have given him an ultimatum. She hadn't really, but she'd basically told him if he had stayed he would have ended up resenting her, while right now she was growing more and more sure of how he was going to resent her for sending him away. This was his baby too, just because she had sole custody at the moment, it didn't mean she could just take it away. To think they were starting out this way, what a promising eighteen years they were facing. "He wanted to. I think."
Arizona frowned, narrowing her eyes. The two of them were contorted and illogical and just a pretty bundle of nonsense she wasn't so sure about getting in the middle of anymore. "He wanted to stay? But he left." She tried to reason, evidently Amelia saw a connection she was missing.
Amelia sighed, letting her head fall in her hands, elbows propped up on her legs. It made even less sense when spelled out. Maybe she needed to write things down before saying or doing anything, she would find herself in these situations less frequently, and with far less permanent consequences. "I told him to go."
"So he wanted to stay, but you told him to go and he just left?" she tried it out, maybe hearing it, the whole thing would suddenly make perfect sense. Amelia let out a shaky breath without looking up. The Owen Hunt she knew didn't bend so easily, she'd seen the look on his face yesterday, on both their faces and, while they weren't the typical excited parents-to-be looks, she'd seen them holding hands and comforting each other. Amelia nodded. "But… why? Didn't you want him here?"
Amelia looked up, eyes wide and mouth open, but no words come out. Her frustration was reaching limits she didn't even know she had. She threw her hand up and looked at Arizona dejectedly. "Hell if I know." She feels her voice crack and a lump in her throat, the tears in her eyes are now almost a constant presence today. Deciding not to waste anymore time and effort cursing her hormones, she turns her eyes back to her lap.
"I had no idea you guys were dating." Arizona says casually when Amelia stops talking. It felt a little weird, but she was supposed to be an awesome friend, so she just sucked it up. "I know for a fact this hospital is worse than high school and nobody knew about you two. I mean, I've been the talk of the hospital many more times than I would have liked, so I know that you can't sneeze here without everyone knowing about it. I'm impressed, you managed to keep it a secret."
Amelia sighed. She'd told Derek. She'd told Derek the day before he died and Meredith had found out the next morning. It was bittersweet and it made her hurt deep inside her chest, a tightening wrenching kind of pain she wished one day she wouldn't feel anymore. She'd told Derek and the next day she'd broken it up, told Owen it was a mistake. She got scared and she ran. Then Owen ran. They both ran from each other, from the possibility that they might get hurt. They were so similar that way, they'd been hurt so much before, it was scary. Being open and vulnerable almost didn't feel worth the happiness, not when it could backfire so bad. "There was nothing to keep a secret anyway."
Arizona couldn't help but disagree, not after what she'd seen yesterday. "So you're not together?"
She turned to look at Arizona, a sad, resigned smile on her face. "No."
Arizona felt her heart sink. Break into a million pieces for them. There wasn't animosity between them, or even an hint of friction. Anything but. In fact, what she'd witnessed yesterday had led her to believe they were indeed together, she was a bit confused at how he was going back to Iraq, but now it all made so much sense. They were her silver lining, that little bit of good in the ocean of dark and depressing, and to know that it was just as sad and messy as the rest it just made her feel worse. "Why not?" Amelia quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah, yeah, I know, none of my business. Why are you not together?"
Amelia sighed, how could she answer that when she didn't know the answer herself? It was complicated, so complicated that it wasn't even worth untangling it, maybe. "It just didn't work out."
Yet Arizona knew that wasn't the whole truth. She'd seen people hook up and people fall in love and people break up around here, she was one of those people. She was more than qualified to know what was that she'd seen yesterday and it was more than a couple of dates gone bad. It wasn't even that. She'd seen the connection between the two. "And you just gave up?"
Amelia felt her defences going up. She wasn't used to people butting in her life anymore, not like that. She'd become private and detached, professional and polite. She was not funny or outspoken or hilariously childish anymore. She was a grown up now, some days she wondered when the hell that happened. Then again she knew exactly when that happened, day and month and year, down to the minute. Holding her baby knowing he was going to die changed her, deep inside. Or rather just destroyed parts of her permanently. She'd learned a lot the hard way, she owed a lot to her baby. "I guess we did."
The sad smile on Arizona's face was not all that different from the one Amelia had. Only it wasn't her life that was being turned inside out, continuously. Her life was enough of a mess as it was, but it was a regular kind of mess – at least now – it was something she could deal with, people got divorces for all kinds of reasons, but she had an inkling as to how Amelia was feeling. The year of the plane crash was a bad one, a seemingly endless series of bad. Lexie died and then Mark and then she lost her leg, when she ended up cheating on Callie it felt like it couldn't get any worse. She knew now, more than ever how important it was to keep people close. "What are you going to do now?"
"I have no idea." She shrugged her shoulder in complete and utter defeat. She didn't know and, seen how today was going, all her doubts and fears would slowly come back up in the next few days. Especially the ones regarding pregnancy, which had surprisingly been silent still. "I told him to go. I thought it was the right thing, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like such an idiot."
Arizona frowned. "Did you want him to stay, then?"
Amelia looked at her as if asking what she should do and what she should say. One second she wanted him next to her, then she wanted him to be with her and then she wanted him as far away as he could go. "I hadn't spoken to him ever since he told me Derek was dead. Yesterday, for the first time in months we talked." With a one sided smile she caught the curious look in Arizona's eyes. "We were never together, so in a way we never broke up."
To Arizona this still didn't explain the nature of their relationship. She'd never thought she'd get to see the day Owen would get over Cristina, not just by dating someone else, but actually letting himself be with someone else fully. She remembered Emma, who on paper was everything he was looking for, and he'd probably realised that and tried so hard to make it work with her, tried and tried, but his head wasn't in it. Cristina was there and he always would find his way back to her. Maybe with her leaving he had the chance to distance himself from her, not from his feelings for her, those were eternal whether he wanted that or not, nothing Amelia or any other woman could do about it. Still, they way he'd looked at Amelia yesterday was not the same way he'd looked at Emma for the brief time they dated. There was also the fact that Amelia was currently carrying his child, a child he'd been waiting for for years. Anyway, Arizona was entirely convinced it went beyond the baby. He'd come running to check on her, before she even knew she was pregnant in the first place, that had to count for something. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Amelia shrugged. "Are you sure? I can think of ten more interesting things you could do right now, just off the top of my head."
Arizona nodded eagerly, not just out of undying curiosity, but invested into this as well. Her and Amelia had spent a lot of time together when she was working on Herman's tumour, but the conversation had almost always been professional, save for a few mean comments about interns or that awkward looking nurse on the third floor. "Absolutely." When Amelia still looked hesitant to talk, when it was clear as day she needed to, Arizona patted her knee affectionately. "Amelia Owen is my friend too. I'm sure he'll feel better knowing that you have people here." Now that you're brother is dead and the rest of his family is gone with the wind, and the father of your unborn child is operating on soldiers in the warzone. Smooth.
She sighed, resigned to Arizona's insistence. It didn't bother her, it was a strangely familiar kind of intrusion in her private life, one that she had missed too damn much. "I told him something. I don't even know why, something not even Derek knew." She waits, letting Arizona know there is no way she is going to get in any more detail about that. "I can't explain it, but after that it was… different and, apparently, it wasn't just me. So I went to see him, at the trailer." She closed her eyes remembering the bottle of sparkling water she'd brought along. Real seduction material. She remembered the handful of seconds that passed when she was walking away before he called her. Not to mention the kiss. She had not been expecting that, if she knew that was going to happen she would have swiped something better from Derek's collection – for Owen only, of course. "He kissed me."
Arizona could see the sparkles in Amelia's eyes, they way her face just brightened at the mention of that kiss. She could see that she wasn't really here with her, her eyes were dazed and unfocused, if she had to bet they were deep in the woods, right by the tin can.
"I was terrified and I avoided him. I used Herman's tumour as an excuse-"
Arizona's eyes widened until they were so big they were about to pop out of their sockets. She couldn't believe this. This had gone on right under her nose and she had completely missed it. granted her focus wasn't on Amelia's love life, much less Owen's, but she had to slap herself on the back of the head for missing this. "But that was months ago.
"Yeah." Amelia breathed out. It was such a long time ago, over six months ago. "I resisted it. I came here to start fresh, running from an engagement and an apparently endless string of crappy years in LA. I didn't want to dive right back into it, I wanted to feel my two feet on the ground before anything like that." Arizona was looking at her, barely able to maintain her seemingly sad and contrite appearance, when on the inside she was screaming all over. Amelia had to smile at that, she'd give her this, the first few weeks of her and Owen were fairy tale worth, however the rest was just a bad Lifetime movie. "I caved. We both did. It was weird, though, you know?" Seeing her look Amelia rectified. "No, not like that. It's just that we sort of jumped from a kiss to what felt like an established relationship. I can't explain it, it felt like we just skipped all the steps and we just where at that point where you know what the other is thinking without saying a word."
Arizona breathed out. This was… unexpected. This was deep and the look in Owen's eyes told her he would have said the exact same thing. "Wow."
Amelia nodded sadly, now came the part of the story she wasn't so comfortable and confused about. "Yeah, wow. When I realised that, when I took a moment to look at my life and saw that I freaked. I pushed him away, told him it was a mistake. Frankly in my head it was, I was here to focus on work and help out with the family, not to get myself into another messy relationship that could potentially screw me over once again."
"And he just gave in?" Arizona was sad now. This sounded all so magical and now it suddenly got real. Knowing how things likely worked out, she had the urge to go back in time and fix it before it was too late.
"No, not really. We started that thing where I say something and he hears something else entirely and vice versa and in the end he said we were just a plane crash waiting to happen." She saw Arizona wince at the reference, knowing she too knew Owen was referring to that one plane crash in particular. The one that had cost her her leg. "It was a reality check. Next time we spoke it was to tell me my brother died and that about sums it all up."
Arizona frowned. This wasn't what she'd witnessed yesterday. For the better part of the ultrasound she'd been convinced they were… well, not this. Owen sounded so out of character, she knew the plane crash had hit them all hard, especially the ones directly involved and Callie and Owen. But Amelia had nothing to do with the plane crash, that was years ago and she hadn't even been here at the time. She sighed. She'd held it against Callie for so long, needing someone to blame for what happened to them, needing to let her frustration out, the bitterness she was feeling inside everyday. She got that. She got it when Cristina left. Amelia couldn't get it and she shouldn't have to. "But yesterday you looked…"
"Happy?" Amelia snorted. "I'm so full of hormones I could almost consider switching to peds – no offense – I don't know about Owen, but yesterday was the heat of the moment. I've had time to think and this," she held her hand on her belly, looking down wistfully. "This can't be something we handle like that." Amelia sighed. "I made him go because I need him to do this with me, in whatever capacity, but I know how hard pregnancy gets-" she stopped midsentence, her brain processing half a second too late the information she was giving Arizona. She let out a long relaxing breath and, making a point not to look at her, she went on. "I need him to be here and after what DC did to Meredith and Derek I was scared. So I made him go."
Arizona didn't certainly miss Amelia's near slip and made a mental note to ask her about it. Not just out of morbid curiosity, but because patient history was important and, while they were not exactly following the protocol, it was of incredible value, especially so early on. However, she decided she could ask her tomorrow, when she'd find some time to make sure she wouldn't work and maybe get a few more things out of her. "You changed your mind?"
Amelia frowned. "Maybe? Ugh, I don't know. We never talked about us as a couple, it's easy to forget that it all went to hell and give it another shot, but is it really worth it? Right now it feels like taking a huge risk and we can't afford that."
She was right. She was definitely right and there was nothing Arizona could say that would help weigh in on that decision, which was ultimately theirs. While it all made slightly more sense, their approach to what had to have been a very shot, intense relationship was clearly what had got them into their current mess. Couple wise, not the pregnancy. "Do you want him to be here, though? Right now?"
"For this?" she pointed at her stomach. "Absolutely. For me? I don't know." When Arizona tilted her head, clearly saying that they both knew she did in fact know, Amelia looked down. "Look, I… if it was just me, sure, why not. But it's not just me and more importantly, I can't think about me first. This is a second chance at everything and I have to try my hardest not to ruin it, so if that means me and Owen will co-parent happily, instead of being in a relationship that will lead to a messy separation, it's a no brainer."
Arizona smiled. She was slowly catching Amelia's drift. The non linearity of their way of thinking and acting was definitely confusing, but consistent. Amelia ran when she was scared, just like Owen and half of the rest of the world. Just like her. She ran. It was Sofia that taught her to stick around – well, back then it wasn't Sofia yet, just an ensemble of cells, not much unlike Amelia's baby right now. "You're scared."
"Petrified." Amelia admitted, looking up, finding overly understanding eyes. "It's… everything is happening all at once, I can't turn one way or another without having to calculate my steps down to the millimetre and it's so freaking hard. I wish one thing would work. Just one."
Before she could think it through Arizona's mouth opened. "Your baby is fine, healthy. I'd say that's working."
She shook her head. She wasn't about to talk about that now, she was nowhere near ready and she owed it to Owen to get that entire story now that she needed all of his support. In an effort to be more open and collaborative she'd decided last night he should know it all. But Arizona couldn't, not now, not yet. Amelia knew she was smart enough to have caught what she'd half said before. "Yeah, it's just that I have a knack for getting pregnant at the least opportune times. It's almost as if I do it on purpose."
"I'm going to say something and you're going to listen." Amelia nodded, a bit taken aback at the sudden seriousness in the blonde's tone. "I have been where you are right now, not exactly, but it was as close as I'll ever get. I almost ran. I almost lost my daughter and Callie. Despite how it all turned out, I'm infinitely glad I didn't. Believe me, I was terrified and not for one second I stopped thinking it was not going to work out. Then it did and all those fears and worries I had were still there, but I was deliriously happy." Arizona patted her legs, standing up, pushing the machine away. "For what it's worth I think the best you can do now, for your baby, is to make sure you're happy and you have what you want. Be happy Amelia. Don't run, nothing good ever comes from running."
Amelia's eyes teared up. She was annoyingly wise. She knew a little bit about what happened, mainly because Mark was involved and Callie was Addie's friend, so she got bits of the story. Her and Owen were a bit different, had different issues and different expectations, but the message came loud and clear all the same. She'd spent her life running. Drugs had become her own drastic way of running. Maybe Derek had figured it out, maybe running away only made things worse, maybe we should just enjoy what we have and never try for more, not if it means risking who you love and what you love. Maybe he'd even been right about love – jury was still out on that one. As far as her life experience had taught her he was more than right. Loving Ryan had destroyed her, broken her down into a billion little pieces. She must have never really loved James, because she'd never felt like that. Not like when she'd seen how strong her feelings for Owen were and just how easily they could dismantle all those little pieces she'd managed to put back together. "You are kind of an awesome friend."
"I know, right?" Arizona grinned at her, walking to the door. "Lunch tomorrow. And I don't want to see you working."
Amelia gave a mock salute and Arizona left the room. Looking at the picture Arizona had left beside her, she picked it up, staring at it. She was having a hard time believing she was pregnant. Again. It had been such a painful experience she wasn't allowing herself to truly be happy and excited about this one, it didn't feel fair. It wasn't fair when she'd had a baby already and he died, she had failed him in the worst way possible. Ever since she had entertained the idea of having kids, but actually being pregnant had been a line of thinking she'd steered clear of. While lost in her thoughts a yawn made its way on her face. She was exhausted from doing… nothing. Still, she realised she'd better find her way to an on call room, or at least the attendings' lounge couch and have a little cat nap. Before, though, she sent Owen a text, reassuring him that everything was fine, that he shouldn't worry. It felt strange writing him. For the first time since she'd met him she calculated and weight carefully every single word she typed. Amelia decided to take it – as her recovery had drilled into her head – one day at the time, today she made sure everything was fine and tomorrow she'd have lunch with Arizona and the day after that, if everything kept running smoothly, she'd be back in the OR. There was a little voice in the back of her mind that just wouldn't quit reminding her of how she'd already screwed this up, before it even began. How she'd managed to lose a baby before she even knew she was pregnant. Arizona and then Owen had told her and reassured her profusely that it wasn't anything she'd done, just like she hadn't given her son anencephaly. It didn't make her feel any better. She was confused and, while she was glad for Arizona's support, it wasn't her support she wanted. This whole thing was making her miss her brother so much it hurt her, in her chest, as if somebody was reaching up and squeezing her heart, hard. It was easy to pretend he was just back in DC, it was easy to pretend he wasn't here because he was somewhere else. Now with Meredith and the kids gone and her suffocating need to hear his voice at a time like this, she couldn't pretend anymore.
Just then her phone rang. Her heart beating wildly as she saw it was Owen calling her. her thumb, hovering over the green circle ready to automatically answer the call, was shaking. Her whole hand was shaking and her breathing was faster and faster, just like her pulse. A part of her was seriously considering ignoring the call, letting it end, making Owen believe she was busy or even asleep. Amelia felt her eyes well up when she hesitated, she couldn't talk to him now. Last night he'd tucked her in, made sure she had water on her bedside table and made her breakfast and put it in the fridge and then, before going back to the trailer, he'd kissed her forehead, rubbing her cheek. She'd closed her eyes with that image and that feeling and now that he was gone she had been questioning where they were standing non stop. It wasn't true that she didn't care if they ended up being friends and parenting happily, but it was also true that the pregnancy – despite her still mixed feelings – was feeling like a chance to turn her life around and there was no way she was messing with that. When the rest of her caught up and realised she'd been waiting too long, her finger pressed the little green button instantly.
"Hey." Hearing his voice was suddenly making all those doubts and worries so little, insignificantly little even.
Amelia cleared her throat just to make sure her voice didn't sound like the thoughts going through her head. "Hi. Where are you?"
She heard him sigh tiredly. "London. It's awful here, there is a thunderstorm and they're not sure the plane can safely take off, so we're waiting. We were about to go get dinner."
"We?" She'd never thought it possible, especially after the last half hour spent pouring her heart out, going over all the reason she'd sent him away. Yet, the green eyed monster was pushing its way in, shoving all the other monsters aside, ready to take a front row seat to the rest of their conversation and, with her luck, the rest of her day and night.
There was a pause, one that didn't settle her insecurity, rather increased it tenfold. While Amelia was feeling the tears in her eyes and a tingling in her nose and cheeks, Owen was dumfounded. "Yeah. I'm here with April-"
"Kepner?"
He let out a breath, he caught something in her tone that sounded eerily familiar. She was jealous. Amelia Shepherd was jealous of him. She was the mother of his child and she was jealous of whomever she thought he was with. He shook his head, he wished he could tell her she had nothing to worry about, he could run into Angelina Jolie and he wouldn't spare her a second glace, not when she was back home waiting for him. "Yes, she came along. She went to see what's happening with the flight."
Amelia nodded. Get a grip, will you? Feeling her heartbeat slow for the first time since her phone rang she relaxed. "Oh. I would have never thought she'd…"
Owen shrugged. "She needed this."
She found herself muttering something, she really couldn't think about April Kepner right now. For one, though, she felt relieved, knowing that if something were to happen she'd be there wit Owen. It was comforting, somewhat. Amelia could definitely sympathise with her, she understood her need to leave fully, it was just ironic considering the latest turn in her and Owen's life. April was there because her baby died and Owen was there because he had to get it out of his system and get back to his baby. She swallowed a lump knowing her baby – this one, even though it wasn't even a baby yet – could still die, just like her other baby and April's baby. "Right. I can send you a picture of the ultrasound if you want."
If those thoughts were going through her head, they were sure going to make it to his soon enough. This morning she'd checked first thing if the tiny bulge was still there, while Owen couldn't do it, looking at it was the next best thing. "I'd like that."
Amelia nodded wordlessly. She forgot for a second he couldn't see her and the conversation had effectively died. She sighed, when he'd told her the they were possibly stuck in London she'd had to forcefully stop herself from telling him to come home, to her. She couldn't do that. He was going and then he was going to come back and be there for her, without having his mind wandering off, thinking how much he'd rather be in the desert. "Alright." Luckily April must have come back, because she heard her voice over the phone and she heard Owen's muffled voice whispering something, before she heard him breathing back into the phone. "Everything okay?"
"Yes." He huffed. "The rain's not letting up and it seems we're not flying out of here today."
"I'm sorry." She mumbled sincerely. It was no fun to be stuck at the airport, not even if it was in London – in Paris maybe. The pull to ask him to call his army buddies and tell them he had to go home to his family was stronger and stronger and she didn't know how long she could stay on the phone with him and let him get on the damn flight to Rome tomorrow. On top of that, courtesy of pregnancy hormones, she was about to cry and she absolutely couldn't do that on the phone, knowing what it would do to him. "Say hi to Kepner and good luck with the weather."
Owen barely had time to say goodbye before she hung up. He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it shocked. The conversation with Amelia had been short and quite awkward, after all their situation was so undefined and delicate there was no way it could be anything but. He chuckled to himself, he'd felt Amelia get worried and defensive the second she suspected he was with someone. It was nice to have someone feel like that about him again. It was amazing. When his phone dinged and he saw the picture his heart swelled up. It wasn't just Amelia waiting for him back at home. Owen was so happy he felt as if he could make the rain stop right now, get on a plane back to Seattle and he'd be in time to tuck her in tonight too. When April noticed the never ending smile on his face she asked if everything was fine and Owen realised it was. It was fine, more than fine. This made up for all the bad things in the past year. It was that and more and – and he couldn't tell April about it. He couldn't, he clutched the phone with the photo in his hand, hanging on it like a lifeline. Owen couldn't tell April about how happy he was because it was all the reasons she wasn't and he knew first hand how that felt. Like a stab to the heart.
April frowned. "Did something happen?"
Owen looked at her, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, pausing for a moment. "Oh, no, no. It was Am-Shepherd. Just checking in."
April narrowed her eyes, but said nothing. She observed Owen carefully. "About a patient?"
Owen nodded, the next few weeks were going to be hard if he was going not to tell her. He knew she'd get mad at first when she'd know, but it was for the best. "Yeah. Something like that." He stood then, mainly to have a chance to look back at the grainy back and white picture on his phone, without her seeing it. "Let's go get dinner."