Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Spoilers: See Chapter 1

To Hell With The World

Chapter 5: Fred's Dilemma

Fred found herself in the same place Wesley had just exited, she would have noted its lack of distinctive features if she hadn't been reeling from the feelings passed along by Wesley during her transition. She was enveloped in warmth and comfort like a thick blanket. There was also love, in its purest form. It was more gentle than the most heart-felt embrace, more touching than the most chaste of kisses, and more exhilarating than the most sensuous of gestures. She basking in this feeling so much she was distracted and startled when a voice nearly shouted "Hello, earth to Fred!"

"Oh, hey, sorry Cordy, this is all kinda new to me. Am I dead?" she squeaked as she took in the familiar face and heard the voice of a friend. The fact that said friend was framed in light and had the countenance free of the pain and doubt of the world were details she noted and incorporated in her question.

Cordelia looked at her and said, lowering the volume quite a bit "Well, you were spacing out, and it's not like we have forever here. Are you dead? hmm, yes and no. Your about to die, but because of that silly guy of yours, you get a choice. So the question is do you want to die?"

Fred hurriedly responded "Um, I like being alive, it's great, can I choose that?"

Cordy muttered softly "At least you got a choice" but to Fred she turned a little serious "Course you can, but this is a special case, you being infected and all, and the price of your staying alive is at a premium."

Fred murmured "Oh great, a little negotiation for my life, what am I a used station wagon. So, let's get down to it, whats the blue book say about me?"

Cordelia chuckled a bit "Well, the first offer is overriding the free will of two vampires and the guard of the place they went to, and the agonizing death of a few thousand people, at least as far as we know, as Illyria is drawn out of you and back to where she belongs."

Fred was taken aback "Seriously, that's the offer, well crap, can't you come down a little, like no agonizing deaths, I'm not a fan of those, I mean except for that one I was going through, but that was my fault."

Cordelia was looking sadly at her "Sorry Fred, there's no wiggle room with the price, it's kinda the only offer. Are you sure you can't accept it?"

Fred matched her friend's expression "No, I couldn't do that, even to people I don't like very much. Sorry Cordy."

Cordelia became stern "I thought that would be your answer, I'm sorry Fred but I made a promise to Wesley, so I'm gonna try to convince you to live."

Fred was surprised "Wait,Wesley, he was here? What'd he say? And why is he so involved with the spells and pleading and such?"

Cordelia took a moment to process all the questions "Okay, first, yes he was here. Second, he said to pull Illyria out without batting an eye and that you were his light in the world. Third, what do know about how he feels about you?"

Fred thought for a second "Well, right before this he told me he had loved me basically forever, and when I came here I used his body as an avenue to get here, and he bundled me up in devotion before he let me go, at least that's what it felt like. That's why I was distracted earlier. I felt so comfortable, and warm like I was soaking in a bath. So he loves me and want's me to live, and he doesn't care about all the people it will kill and hurt to save me."

Cordy lost some of her sternness "That's mostly right, except he does care what happens to those people, but when it comes to you he can't choose anyone else. He is yours Fred, body and soul. Take a look, tell me I'm wrong."

Fred did look at herself, and there inside her spirit was the existence of another. Like a baby, it was nestled against her and was constantly reaching out and caressing her, as if to reassure itself that she was still there. It was unmistakably Wesley. It had a bit of his confidence, a fair amount of his skill and fortitude, but the largest part was definitely a portion of his purpose and will. Fred was amazed "You were right Cordy, a part of him is here, woah, this is kind of weird. It's not scary though, and it feels like it belongs. How did this happen? Was it part of the spells he used to help me?"

Cordelia smiled warmly "No Fred, it wasn't the spells, if only that were true, he would have avoided a lot of the stupid mistakes he made over the past couple of years. It was in Pylea that it happened. When you saved his life."

If Fred was amazed before, now she was shocked "B-but why? And that long, oh god, no, Cordy that's why he went away after hurting me during that whole thing with that Billy guy. When I left his place after forgiving him, I heard him weeping on the other side of the door. It was like I had given him permission to live again." She shook a little as if she would do some blubbering herself but she pulled herself together, she remembered Cordy's earlier warning about time.

Cordy was about to tear up as well but remembered she had another promise to keep. "You did put him back together Fred, about why part of his soul is attached to you, before we met you, Angel, Wesley and me were all about helping the helpless and dealing with my visions. You represented both to Wes and so became the embodiment of the reason he was in the fight, and unfortunately we can't have a good cry over it now as I still have a job to do, do you want to live?" Fred shook her head no, the price was still too high.

Cordy said "Alright, you're not going to make this easy on me, huh, well I apologize in advance, this isn't gonna be pleasant. And again we don't have time to work through it now, It'll have to be later, if there is one, alright?" Fred nodded and, unlike with Wesley, Cordelia hugged Fred as her memories were uncovered and set back in place.

Fred gasped and sagged into the hug a little as she was hit with a deluge of memories of a baby and teenage Connor. She drew back from her friend "Um...Cordy, what happened with Connor..." Cordelia interrupted "I know, but not now, okay?"

Fred shook her head and had the sudden urge to find a marker, she needed to make sense of all this new but old information. Her companion smiled "It was another promise I had to keep, Wes wanted you to have those memories back, it was part of the deal Angel made with Wolfram & Hart when he took the job."

Fred got a look on her face that Cordy had trouble recognizing, but then she searched what she had looked at as a higher being and saw it. It was the same look Fred had taken on when she decided to get revenge on her portal-opening professor. "Angel, he took my memories! He took away part of who I was, who we all were, when I see him again, I am going to figure out what a tanning bed will do to a vampire."

Cordy smirked a little, Fred had just referred to herself in the future, in which she was alive, that was good. Cordy made her previously rejected her offer again "Fred, now that you have you're memories, are you willing to live?" And yet again Fred rejected it, the memories were in some cases painful, and they did give her a better understanding of why Wesley had made the attempt to save her, but she still couldn't justify changing her decision.

Cordelia became frustrated, and then smirked as if she just found out some juicy gossip. "Well, I didn't want to do this, but you're not leaving me much choice here, just remember I gave you a chance to avoid what I am about to do."

Fred was confused "What are you gonna do? If you could've forced me to agree, we wouldn't even be here." Cordelia responded "You're right, but what I can do is tell and show you what will happen after you die."

Fred sighed "So that's your plan, 'It's a Wonderful Life' that's pretty low Cordy, I know it's going to hurt everyone we both care about."

Cordelia corrected her with a sharpness that Fred was not expecting "Um, Fred, you're wrong. It's going to be bad in either case, at least if your alive you can help stop some of the damage. Also, it's not going hurt my friends, it's going to destroy them, some much worse than others. To start with, remember when you told your parents that I was the 'heart' of the team?"

Fred nodded and Cordelia continued "Well, when I died you took my place, keep that in mind. Okay, let's begin with Angel, I gave him a last vision right before I left on that one day stint I got from the Powers. It showed him who he should be fighting. It was a small group of powerful demons who hold the real earthly power and influence behind Wolfram & Hart. Angel was going to take it slow and deal with this group one by one over an extended time period, to keep all of you safe. And keep the group off-balance. However, your death, combined with mine, will show him that he couldn't keep us safe and he will react by planning to kill the entire group in one day. He will actually succeed but the Senior Partners won't just sit back and say 'oh well, I guess we made a mistake.' They will unleash an army designed to punish Angel."

Fred gasped "So this army, what will they do? And what about the others?"

Cordelia had some sympathy for her friend, but not much as she had to tell this story after already seeing it when Fred was first infected. "I'll get to the others, Angel will survive the first fight, only to have to go on the run when they send hit squads after him and the remaining people he cares about. Connor will take the worst hit, he and his normal family will be attacked, Connor will survive, they won't."

Fred looked aghast at this. "Cordy, what happens to Connor?" Cordelia lowered her voice to hide her emotion, she remembered when Connor was a baby, full of potential and bright possibilities. "The family that Angel put him with, gave him stability and made him well-adjusted. With them gone, he will lose it. He will go on a rampage killing anything that gets in his way, even if they were human. Eventually, the police will get involved and hunt Connor down to bring him in for murder. He won't want to be arrested and they will be forced to kill him. Angel will hear about it, confirm that it is true, and revert to who he was before he came to Sunnydale."

Fred blinked away her tears "Cordy, do you mean Angelus would come back?"

Cordelia scoffed "As if, that would have been better, at least his soul would've been released. No, being Angel, he will wallow in guilt and grief so much he becomes a shadow of he was, not fighting the good fight, scrounging in alley's looking for vermin, he will finally be freed when Buffy comes to find him. I keep seeing it, she finds him, he is broken and asks for help, She knows what has happened and realizes there is one last thing she can do for him. She asks him to close his eyes, wraps him up in the sweetest little hug, tells him its going to be okay and then dusts him as he is sobbing on her shoulder."

Fred shuddered at the possible degradation of the man who had saved her from losing her head in Pylea "Where were the others? Why was he alone?"

Cordy sniffled but continued "Lorne will get depressed over his failure to see what was coming when it came to you, and he will leave. He will live though, the Senior Partners won't consider him worth the effort to try to kill. He will spend his remaining days singing and reading people in dusty bars, but his failure with you will leave him with morose and singing the blues mostly. The rest will end up dying, as heroes to be sure, but they will still die, and for Gunn and Spike, it will mean peace and rest along with myself and Angel."

Fred held Cordelia in a stare which included horror, relief, and an understanding of a missing variable "Cordy, what about Wesley, you said just Charles and Spike would end up here, why not Wesley? And where the heck am I after I die?"

Cordelia made no effort to hide her sorrow at this point, she had seen this already and didn't want to see it again. "Fred, you will be taken over by Illyria, she, along with others, will tell everyone your soul was burned up in her resurrection, but that's not strictly true, your soul will be scattered and mixed with Illyria, so when you both die, you will go with her to the Old One's resting place. Forever cutoff from all of us. As bad as that is, Wesley will suffer worse. I am going to show you what happens to him."

Cordelia waved her hand and blew the clouds away to a view of Fred's bedroom where her body and Wesley were still sitting entwined and frozen, awaiting Fred's decision. Fred watched as the freezing spell broke and her body slumped and died. The view shifted to focus on Wesley.

He was kicked off the bed as her body convulsed and transformed into the blue-hued visage of Illyria. Wesley's voice inquired with an ever so small amount of hope and wonder "Fred?" at the now standing form of her body. That hope was forever extinguished by the time his next question was asked "Illyria?" His voice had taken on a defeated and withdrawn tone that would layer and haunt it when he spoke afterwards.

Fred watched as he tried in vain to get Illyria to leave, saw him try to kill her, to no effect. She watched as he and the others tried to deal with Illyria and a possible apocalypse. The focus was on Wes and his actions, she saw him threaten Knox after finding out he was involved in her death with a choked out response to why he shouldn't kill Knox "You didn't feel her die."

Later, after a series of events that included Wesley studying the sarcophagus with Harmony, he scared her and Fred when he attacked the thing with a crowbar, seeming to vent his anger and helplessness on the object.

She watched as he confronted Gunn about his role in her death, and was shocked when Wesley stabbed him in the stomach. What struck her was his later admission to Angel "Nothing is all right! Nothing will ever be alright."

She continued to watch as the rest of the group confronted Illyria and Knox, Fred wasn't shocked anymore, she knew what was coming. Knox ended up dead. Illyria's plans fell apart shortly afterwards, and Wesley returned to Wolfram & Hart to pack up Fred's office.

Illyria showed up then and asked for his help. Fred turned to Cordy and spat softly "That conniving little bitch, she is just using him, he needs time to grieve and he can't even do that properly while even a part of me is still around."

Cordy knew, she had gone through something similar with Jasmine "I know, Fred, now look." Fred turned back to Wesley and Illyria as she said "Is there anything in this life but grief?"

And Wesley's hollow response "There's love, and hope, for some." The implications of this heart-rending statement were clear to Fred, she knew he was beyond any happiness.

The tragedy picked up speed after that as Fred took in his descent into a grief that would not abate, even in sleep, he was haunted by her presence even in dreams. She saw the grief reach a crisis when Connor showed up needing Angel's help, which led to Wesley and Illyria breaking the memory spell, in spite of Angel's opposition, which saved Connor in a perilous fight. Fred had started to accept and understand his grief when he scared her yet again by flirting briefly with madness. He seemed to have accepted the new situation, and pulled back from any craziness, and just settled again into grief, one which did not overwhelm him however. He ended up saving Illyria, and the city.

Fred thought Wesley had stabilized to the extent that he was existing and working, with none of his earlier fire or fervor. Until, as if he was destined to stay always off-balance, as if some cruel master of fate had set its sights on him, so that his existence would be ever more crushing. Her parents showed up at the law firm. Fred turned away "Cordy, I told him, I told him to call them, why didn't he?"

Cordelia was puzzled by the question, had Fred not been watching all of this, 'Oh well, no harm than' "Fred, he couldn't handle making that call, he could barely admit what happened at all, you've seen what he went through."

Fred didn't respond but simply watched the impending devastation her parents were about to suffer as Wesley was trying to figure out a way to tell her parents the unthinkable, about his utter and complete failure, and the fact that their daughter was gone. Fred whispered "Dad...Mommy" before the scene shifted and Fred watched as her parents were greeted by Illyria, who was using her power to make herself look and sound like Fred herself.

Her parents were kept unaware that she was dead. Fred was partly glad for that, as Illyria had said " Your grief hangs off of you like rotted flesh. I couldn't tolerate it from them as well." Fred was about ready to tell Cordelia to stop this, that she would accept the offer to live, for her parents if nothing else, when the scene shifted again to Wesley's office where Illyria was trying to seduce Wesley to further understand him.

Fred was disgusted "It's not enough that she kills me, puts everyone I care about through agony, but now she expects Wesley to treat her as if she were me. Cordy is there anything else you think I need to see, cause I'm about ready to go kick her out of my body."

Cordelia smiled and thought 'I've still got it' to Fred she said "Just a bit more, we'll skip to the end."

Cordelia fast-forwarded through scenes with Wesley in his office, researching about cryptic messages that appeared in his books, she saw his and the group's confrontation with Angel over his recent actions that were highly suspect, she saw a scene where he was tending to Illyria, who had been heavily wounded in a fight.

Fred posed a question "What is this, I thought he didn't want to have anything to do with her, after that little stunt with my body."

Cordelia sighed "Fred, Angel is about to send everyone on missions to kill that group of demons I told you about earlier. He told everyone to take one day and do whatever they want, this is Wesley's one day. This is all he has left. What remains of himself and the last part of you. Even though he hates what Illyria has done, he needs her for the fight and he has nowhere else to go and no one to see. Let's finish this up." Fred wiped her eyes and nodded. She knew who he would spend the day with if he could have.

Fred saw his meeting with the sorcerer, Cyvus Vail, and the later fight. She silently cheered when Wesley was winning. She took on a worried expression when Vail took the initiative. She gasped aloud when Vail gutted Wesley with a long knife. The red and wrinkled demon was blown across the room by the last of his opponent's power. Illyria entered the room, just a moment to late. Fred saw the care that Illyria showed and wondered how much of it was as a result of her own influence. Fred watched as Illyria's form shimmered and morphed and her own tear-stained face was staring down at Wesley's rapidly fading one. Fred didn't know what Illyria would say, but she realized that the demoness would do her best to comfort Wesley.

What he said in response, however, she heard and took in as clear as glass. Wesley had accepted the lie completely and let himself be, at the last, drowned in it. "Hello there." He said as Fred's whole demeanor changed from one of sorrow at watching the tragedy to a slowly burning sort of determination. "Fred," and that flicker of hope that had been earlier snuffed out flared for an instant and sputtered as he murmured "I've...missed...you." Fred's face hardened.

Illyria put the last, ever so comforting touches on her recreation "It's gonna be okay, It won't hurt much longer, and then you'll be where I am, we'll be together"

Fred waited, her eyes drying on their own, and turned to Cordelia as Wesley uttered his own eulogy to Fred "I...love...you." As his last breath departed.

Fred finally and softly spoke "Cordy, stop this now." Cordelia did so, shifting the scene back to Fred's bedroom where the two bodies were still frozen in place.

Cordelia flinched away from the intensity that Fred was showing in her glare, she was fearful that she had again failed, that Fred would stick by her decision and destroy the vampire that Cordelia loved and her other dear friends. Fred declared, with an unwavering voice, free of fear and doubt "Cordelia, I accept, send me back, maybe we can figure out how to reverse the effects that Illyria is going to have when she is shattered and sent back to where she belongs. Can you show me what will happen if I live?"

Cordelia pounced on Fred at this point, a happiness she hadn't felt in a long time filling her up. "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. Yeah! Alright, enough with the celebrating, sorry, I thought...well...you know." Cordy drew back from the slightly bewildered scientist "Fred, your death and Illyria's presence was a fairly fixed and constant event that would inevitably lead to the actions you saw, with you alive, well, I remember you saying 'screw destiny' so I can't really show you much, or to put it another way you're unpredictable. Sorry, Fred."

Fred smiled, still processing the implications of her decision and Cordelia's newfound exuberance, and responded "It's okay Cordy, I just thought I could get a heads-up, and I do know what you mean, and I know why you are so happy. So, let's get this show on the road, or is there anything else."

Cordy looked down at the scene that was still in place "Just so you know, Wesley is thinking that the only way this can end is badly, either you die, or that you would choose to live and reject him for agreeing so readily to killing all of those people. Just so you understand, there is no this for that here, you don't have to stay with him. And finally, you are the heart of the group, remember that, Fred. Oh, and if you can get that silly guy of yours to bare his soul again, I can get out of this place for a short time, give you guys some help, and hey it'll be me so that'll be good. Ask Lorne or Spike, they'll tell you what I'm talking about."

Fred thought she must have rubbed off on Cordelia for her to string so many thoughts together in a kind of Cordy-babble "Thanks Cordy, I will remember, I might serve as the heart, but you will always be the glue that holds us together. And about Wesley, he picked up a bit of brooding from Angel. He hasn't ever been good at figurin' me out. So, he'll be surprised, Cordy. So, to quote an old fogey, let's get crackin'."

If it were possible Cordelia shone and smiled even brighter "Sure, Fred, it'll hurt a bit, once Illyria is gone, you'll be healed, your body took a beating, just give Wes a hug from me, not a kiss, he doesn't need that trauma again."

Fred blinked "Okay, wait, Cordy, what..."

Fred couldn't finish as Cordy and the grey place vanished, and the next thing she saw was with her own eyes, staring at Wesley's desperate face. She felt a lurch as the time spell collapsed, and an enormous pressure as Illyria's essence was compacted and flung out of her body, it traveled upwards and spread out in a circle as an almost invisible blue-tinged mist.

Wesley saw this and heard a muffled yelp from the woman in his arms, but he was more occupied in holding Fred's suddenly and unnaturally bending body, which helped keep her in contact with him and re-activated the pain transference spell from earlier. From her place,

Cordelia murmured "Now, time for some real work." The spell was given a boost from the beatific messenger, it eliminated the degradation that Fred's body had suffered during the course of the infection.

She settled and took in Wesley's face, his eyes glistening with tears he had dared not shed before. "Fred?" he asked with the same hope Fred had seen after she had died in the tragedy Cordelia had shown her.

She wouldn't see it snuffed out again, she hugged and pressed him to her and whispered "It's me. Wesley. It's me." At these impossible words, Wesley dropped the restraints he had put up, and broke down with a slight tremor in his body. Fred tried to sooth him " shh, don't fret, it's gonna be okay."

Wesley didn't know how to respond to this marvel and just thought repeatedly 'Thank you' it was prayer directed at Cordelia, any other higher powers that may have been involved and to Fred herself. In that moment, with his world solid and her decision made, it was really okay, though Fred's assurance that it would remain so, could not be more wrong.