Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, characters, universe, etc. I'm not making any money from this.
Author's Note: Caution! There is something dangerously akin to a plot beginning to form!
Increasing Rating: I've bumped this up from T to M due to fairly significant (if disturbing) sexual innuendo in this chapter, and probably more such disturbing things to come.
Nauseatingly Hilarious
I was singing to myself the first time I met him. I have no idea what I was singing. It helped me to relax though. I thought I was alone until I realized that someone was talking to me.
"…kill him, you know?"
I looked at the man curiously. He looked strangely familiar, but I couldn't place him. "Kill who? Voldemort?"
"Of course," the man nodded simply.
"What's your name?" I wondered, frustrated that I couldn't figure out why he looked so familiar.
"I don't have a name," the man frowned slightly. "People call me a name, of course, but it's not mine. It hurts to hear it."
"Okay," I nodded. That made sense. "Do I know you?"
The man thought about that for a moment. "Yes."
"How do I know you?" I asked when it seemed he wouldn't elaborate.
"I talk to you sometimes. About Voldemort."
I frowned. "I don't remember that."
"Oh no, you wouldn't yet. Tomorrow, you will."
"Oh. Yeah. Does that mean we're going to talk about Voldemort?"
"You know that you have to kill him."
"Of course," I laughed. "Prophecy says so." I knew that I sounded a bit hysterical, but couldn't really care.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Love him to death," I informed the man sincerely.
He made a disgusted face.
I cackled as I understood the direction of his thoughts. It was truly nauseating, yet uniquely hilarious, just the same.
"Perhaps you should consider other options."
"I think so, too. I like snakes- Oh, God! Don't tell anyone that!" I gasped as I realized what I'd said. "They'll think I'm evil!"
"Your secret is safe with me," the man assured. "I'm quite fond of them myself."
I calmed. It was okay then. "I like snakes," I started to explain again. "I don't like them like that though. Voldemort's disgusting. If I ever see him naked again, I'm sure I'll never have another erection, much less be able to use it against him."
The man hummed in sympathy. "What options does that leave you?"
"Dunno," I shrugged. "My secret power is love. It's all I've got."
"How do you know that your secret power is love?"
"Dumbledore said so."
"And he's always right, is he?"
"Pretty much."
"As he was right to send you to the Dursleys?"
I frowned curiously at that idea. The man may have a point.
"Potter?"
I looked up at the new man that had just joined us. He looked familiar, too.
"Who are you talking to, Potter?" he looked around curiously.
I blinked and looked where the man had been. Then looked around. He was gone. I wondered when he'd left. What had we been talking about? Oh, right. "Do you think Dumbledore loves Voldemort? Has he ever loved me?" I had the vague sense that that hadn't come out quite right, but I couldn't be bothered to figure out why at the moment.
"It's time to take your potion, Potter," was all he said in reply.
"Right. Potions." I nodded. "I'm rubbish at potions. It's bloody hard to concentrate in that class. The teacher hates me, did you know? And the ferret's always throwing things in and messing them up. Hey, you wanna know a secret? I was supposed to be a Slytherin. Had to talk the Hat out of it. Wonder if they'd still hate me…"
The words got too heavy, so I stopped talking and just laid down on my soft pillow. "I like pillows," I yawned before sleep to me away.
A/N: I expect that the chapters will continue alternating POVs. Harry's will always be first-person. Others will be third and may be in the perspective of pretty much anyone who comes into contact with him. Writing crazy people is hard, did you know? It's totally worth the effort though, because with all the reviews I've been getting, I know that you guys are loving this... Right?