Chapter 2: Nothing Is Black and White

This chapter is Kurt's point of view, and it spans (AU versions of) episodes 2x14 "Blame It on the Alcohol" through 3x05 "The First Time", so yes, I've gone back in time a bit.

This is the longest chapter of the fic. It is over 6,000 words long when the typical average chapter in this fic is somewhere in the 3,500 word-range. Please be aware of that.

Kurt had been excited when he'd found out that Rachel would be hosting a party. He had blackmailed Finn into bringing him along, because Kurt was then able to invite the guy he had the hugest crush on. It was supposed to have been a wonderful chance to introduce Blaine to all of his McKinley friends and bring both of his worlds together. Kurt had had no idea that Mercedes would end up being right to call it 'The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza'. If he'd known, he would have never invited his Warbler friend.

Whose idea had it been to play spin-the-bottle? Kurt couldn't remember. But now, a kiss and a duet later, Blaine was sitting here in The Lima Bean saying that he honestly wanted to try going out on a date with Rachel. Blaine! The only other openly gay guy he knew. How could this be happening?

"When we kissed, it... it felt good!" Blaine explained with a shrug.

Kurt had been there. He'd been sober. He had been sitting uncomfortably close to their lip lock, and he was well aware of how into it Blaine had seemed. How he'd pulled his hand up into her hair and pulled her whole head closer to him. How he just kept kissing her for what felt like ages, until Kurt himself had interrupted them.

"It felt good because you were drunk," Kurt replied, trying to talk Blaine out of this stupid idea that Blaine might legitimately enjoy the experience of kissing a girl. That idea was too upsetting.

Kurt had kissed Brittany last year. Kurt knew from personal experience that kissing a girl was no fun for a gay guy – at least not a sober one. Kurt remembered what it had felt like. He'd pretended to enjoy something that for straight guys must be analogous to the experience of eating a delicious scoop of ice cream, but for him felt much more like licking an empty spoon. It was lackluster and maybe the sensation was interesting for a brief moment, since it had been a new experience, but before long, the novelty had worn off, and he legitimately felt like someone who just kept an empty spoon in their mouth for a ridiculous period of time, attempting to keep up the ruse that it had ever had ice cream on it in the first place.

Kurt was currently trying to convince himself that at the party, Blaine had been so drunk that Blaine would have legitimately seen something redeeming in eating air off of an empty spoon.

However, deep down, there was a part of Kurt that suspected that Blaine's having been wasted at the time of the kiss might not be able to fully explain away how Blaine had lingered in that kiss… and started to use tongue…

Blaine continued, "What's the harm in going out on one crummy little date?"

"You're gay, Blaine!" Kurt whispered harshly.

"I thought I was, but… I've never even had a boyfriend before," Blaine explained. "Isn't this the time you're supposed to… figure stuff out?"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this right now," Kurt muttered. He needed Blaine to be gay like he was. He needed Blaine to find kissing a girl just as boring as he did. He needed there to be at least this one guy in his life who was like him in this significant way.

Blaine said, "Maybe I'm bi, I don't know."

Without even pausing to think, Kurt blurted out his reaction. "Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to… hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change!"

That evening, Kurt would regret what he'd said. He'd hurt Blaine's feelings, and they'd left things on a bad note: Blaine walking away, upset, leaving Kurt alone at the table.

The last words that Blaine said echoed in his head.

"However confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're one-hundred percent sure who you are. Fantastic. Well, maybe we can't all be so lucky."

Blaine had sounded so… hurt. Kurt had seen the shine of tears on his eyes, threatening to fall, but Blaine hadn't allowed them to. And the worst part was Blaine was wrong. Kurt wasn't one-hundred percent sure of anything.

If I am so definitely gay, Kurt thought, then why, when I tried to look at gay porn, I couldn't stop thinking about the actors as real people with families and about the weirdness of their tattoos and really about anything but the… sex? Why does the idea of seeing two random men having sex with each other not turn me on, at all?

Kurt was pretty sure he was gay, yes. He liked boys. He felt a rush of butterflies when he thought about a guy he had a crush on. He felt more comfortable in a flamboyant scarf than a baseball cap, and his iPod was filled with show tunes. His voice was an octave higher than the average straight guy's. He was so obviously gay to the outside world. But sometimes, he felt like he was doing 'being gay' wrong. Sometimes… it didn't feel like the label quite fit.

Soap bubbles surrounded Kurt as he, along with the rest of The Warblers, finished performing "Animal" by Neon Trees. Two female students from Crawford Country Day approached Blaine to give them their phone numbers, and he turned them down, telling them he was already dating someone else. Kurt pretended not to overhear as he dried off and began to comb his hair, which was a wet mess after that number. Kurt also pretended he was not filled with jealousy every time he was reminded that Blaine was dating Rachel.

Blaine parted ways with the girls, and then approached Kurt. "Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song."

"Those weren't weird faces," Kurt clarified. "Those were my sexy faces."

"It just looked like you were having… gas pains, or something."

"Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?"

"We'll figure something out," Blaine assured him.

The next day, Kurt told Blaine, "I don't know how to be sexy, because… I don't know the first thing about sex."

But it was more complicated than simple ignorance of the facts. As Blaine attempted to impart some of his wisdom about sex, Kurt shut him down and prevented him from going into any details at all. Blaine's budding relationship with Rachel hadn't even crossed Kurt's mind, and it also wasn't that Kurt didn't want to know about Blaine's fantasies. It was more that Kurt didn't want to think about anyone's penis right now. He assumed one day his feelings would change, but Kurt was only seventeen years old – a junior in high school. Couldn't he just remain a kid for a little while longer? He tried to pretend he didn't know that when Quinn and Puck were fifteen they'd quite obviously been ready for sex. He tried to pretend that there weren't teenagers all around him every day, including Blaine right in front of him at the moment, who were all so much more… mature in this area of life.

For a while now, Kurt had been feeling content to jerk off in the privacy of his bedroom before he went to sleep. Some nights he didn't do it at all. Some nights… it was more like "cleaning the plumbing" – boring, and just something where Kurt went through the motions and then was done with it. But other times, Kurt did enjoy the experience of pleasuring himself. He still wasn't exactly longing for the time when he would get to explore his sexuality with a partner. But alone? That was sometimes kind of fun.

Last year, when he'd developed a crush for the first time in his life, his mind had started focusing on the idea of his not-yet-stepbrother shirtless. Finn had been so nice to him, when no other guy in school had, and Kurt had suddenly found his masturbating ritual to be more enjoyable, because he was actively imagining Finn's chest, and how muscular it'd look from afar, and what it'd be like to see so much of his skin, the letterman jacket and football jersey all stripped away. Sometimes he'd even imagine the motion of Finn taking off the layers of clothing, slowly, like he was putting on a sexy show just for Kurt.

Then Finn had moved in briefly, into a shared basement bedroom with Kurt, and Kurt had actually gotten a chance to replace his imagined vision with an actual memory of what Finn's upper body looked like unclothed. It was a bit less exciting than his imagination, if he was being honest with himself. And the next thing Kurt knew, Burt had kicked Finn and Carole out of their house – all four members of their blended family vividly remembered the whole "faggy lamp" fiasco.

Kurt had resolved, that awful night, to stop fantasizing about Finn in a sexual way – and it ended up being surprisingly easy for Kurt to stick to that. By the time their parents' wedding happened, when Finn had hugged Kurt on the dance floor, it had merely felt brotherly. It had felt wonderful, intimate even, to be embraced by him. But it had felt like a completely platonic intimacy. Simply a deep friendship. Kurt had moved past crushing on Finn.

This year, however, Kurt had found a new crush. It had been just a couple of weeks prior to the wedding when he'd met him. Blaine had touched Kurt's hand, and held it, and pulled Kurt toward a beautiful a cappella performance of "Teenage Dream". That touch had sent a pulse of electricity through his whole body.

And so, for the past few months now, ever since he'd met Blaine… any time he masturbated, Kurt's mind would wander more into the sensual territory – anything having to do with physical touch. Kurt's mind would fill with the thought of being close enough to breathe in Blaine's scent, to maybe feel the softness of his un-gelled hair, to feel how wonderfully firm his biceps must be… to maybe feel Blaine's fingertips or tongue on his torso, heading downward, in that direction… but there was always that distinctly sexual component that wasn't quite there in Kurt's fantasies, even as Kurt felt a sexual release those evenings, alone with his thoughts as his fantasies concluded. The rush of endorphins felt amazing, better than ever, now that he was imagining so much more than he'd ever dared to before. But still, he wasn't quite imagining everything.

He tried to articulate his feelings. "I like romance. That's why I like Broadway musicals. Because… the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets."

But Blaine… didn't understand.

A couple of days later, Kurt's dad sat him down, and forced him into having "The Talk". Luckily, his father didn't talk about the mechanics, and instead asked him to read some pamphlets. Kurt could handle that. He would actually read them, and try to absorb all of the information. Kurt was actually kind of curious to understand a bit more. Sex was confusing and in many ways, an intriguing mystery… and learning more would probably be good.

Kurt wasn't ready, however, for what his father said next.

"Now for most guys, sex is just, you know, it's this thing we always want to do." Burt shrugged and acted like it was the most obvious statement in the world. "You know, it's fun, it feels great, but… we're not really thinking too much about, you know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or… you know, how the other person feels about it."

Kurt got the distinct feeling that he wasn't like the average guy. That maybe he was more like the average girl? Maybe? He'd always had a… feminine side to him.

"Women are different?" he asked hesitantly, wondering if his father might have any insights.

"Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical. You know, when you're intimate with somebody in… that way, you're… exposing yourself. You know, you're- you're never gonna be more vulnerable! And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten in way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up…."

"But that's not gonna happen to me, Dad," Kurt tried to counter. He didn't feel like this line of 'advice' really felt appropriate for his own situation.

"No," Burt agreed. "It's gonna be worse. Okay? Because it's two guys. With two guys, you've got two people who think that sex is just sex."

Kurt carefully considered that idea. Could he be the type of guy his father was describing? Maybe. Kurt wasn't sure.

"It's gonna be easier to come by," Burt continued, "and once you start doing this stuff, you're not gonna want to stop."

But Kurt already knew, somewhere subconsciously, that his sex drive wasn't ever going to be quite that high.

Pavarotti died, and Kurt found himself in tears, however stupid it might be to be sad over a bird. He sang a tribute, interrupting The Warblers' Regionals preparations.

Blaine later surprised him by wanting Kurt himself to join him for a duet during the competition. Kurt was grieving the canary, but he also was now very excited for their upcoming performance. He was filled with a mix of confusingly different emotions.

Kurt was extremely unprepared for what would happen next. Blaine came up to him while he was decorating the casket. Blaine started to explain that Rachel couldn't stop talking about Finn, and that she had been trying to write some original songs for Regionals but she couldn't talk about it with him, because he was the competition. So, she was spending time with her ex instead.

"And… your girlfriend hanging out with my step-brother is making you… jealous?" Kurt asked, cautiously.

"Well, that's the thing," Blaine replied. "Not really! In fact, I just… I don't think my relationship with Rachel is… is what is right for either of us at this point in our lives."

"Because you're competing against each other?" Kurt asked, unsure. It couldn't be because Blaine was really gay, could it? He tried not to hope for that.

"No," Blaine said with a light chuckle. "Because… because she's not over your brother, clearly, and I'm… I've fallen for someone else."

Kurt's eyes went wide. "Really?" His voice became small. "Who?"

Blaine pursed his lips, and then smiled. "Kurt, there is a moment… when you say to yourself, 'Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever.'" Blaine placed his hand on Kurt's. "Watching you do Blackbird this week, that was a moment for me, about you. You move me, Kurt."

Before Kurt had a chance to really comprehend what Blaine was saying, Blaine had leaned in for a kiss, and Kurt was amazed by how wonderful it felt. His whole body felt alive. It was… a better first real kiss than Kurt could have ever dreamed of. When they parted, Kurt was grinning from ear to ear.

The song Dancing Queen was still on a loop in Kurt's head. He hesitantly took off the crown from his head, not wanting his dad to see it. He and Blaine were in Kurt's car. They'd just parked in the driveway to the Hudson-Hummel home.

Kurt was feeling even more courageous than he'd felt on that fateful day when he'd chased Karofsky into the locker room. There was this feeling of bravery seeping out of his pores! He turned to look at Blaine, his heart beating fast from the adrenaline.

His Junior Prom had not been what he'd wanted it to be. Instead of being a night full of joy, the entire junior class had participated in a massive prank where the kilt-wearing Kurt was the butt of the joke, but in the end, somehow it had turned into a good memory. A great memory.

He'd gotten a first dance with Blaine. He'd essentially said fuck you to the entire school. He was, as he had always been and would continue to be, proud to be who he was.

He was so undeniably gay. He was a queen, if people wanted to call him that. He was a fairy, a queer, all of the derogatory names you could throw at him. That was his truth. Kurt was dating a boy. He regularly enjoyed make-out sessions with that boy. The whole school knew it, and they knew he was gay… and they would have to deal with it, because Kurt had returned to McKinley and he was there to stay.

From the driver's seat, Kurt turned to look at Blaine. "So… do you still consider yourself bi?" he asked, the bravery of the night allowing him to finally ask what had been on his mind for a while now. He just needed to know the truth.

Taken aback, his boyfriend hesitated. "Um… well, yeah." He sounded scared, like this wasn't the answer Kurt wanted to hear. Blaine wasn't entirely wrong to think that. Kurt found himself wishing Blaine was gay, just like he was.

"Okay," Kurt said. "So… what does that mean?" he then asked softly. "I mean… tonight, at the dance, all those girls were wearing… 'sexy' dresses, weren't they?"

Blaine looked down toward the crown which was now resting on Kurt's lap, Kurt's hand gripping it gently. Without making eye contact, Blaine answered, "I guess. Sure, I found some of the girls… attractive. But I also feel that way about some of the guys!" he defensively added.

Kurt tried to make sense of what he was hearing. It was just so difficult. Especially since Kurt hadn't thought that anyone else at the dance looked 'hot' – hadn't thought anyone else looked attractive in that way. Obviously everyone looked amazing, from a 'fashion' point of view, but… he'd just felt that for Blaine.

"So you're… you're interested in both guys and girls," Kurt said with resignation.

"Why does it matter?" Blaine asked.

"I don't know," Kurt said. "I'm just… confused."

"It's pretty simple. You're the person I want to be with. No one else. I would never… cheat on you, if that's what you're worried about."

"Right," Kurt replied, his tone sincerely trusting. "But… but won't you be curious, eventually, to find out what being with a girl is like? Won't you want to break up with me so that you can… test how it'd feel? I mean you and Rachel… you didn't date for very long."

Blaine considered the question, but only for a moment. Then he answered with conviction, "No, I won't be. I did try being with a girl. We didn't date for long because… well, you know why. I'm happy with you. You're all I need."

Kurt was a little surprised by the sincerity in Blaine's tone. When Blaine said it, he found he couldn't help but believe it. The worry that had been weighing on him began to lift. He shot his boyfriend a genuine smile. "Okay," he said.

"Are we good?" Blaine asked, nervously.

Kurt nodded. "We're great. Thank you, Blaine. For everything."

Kurt had the best summer of his life. He spent very few days alone. He and Blaine hung out all the time: there were double dates with Finn and Rachel, road trips to the city, even going to some of the parties those rich Dalton kids would sometimes host – which Blaine would always be invited to. Kurt was more than happy to be his plus-one; it was his entrance into a world of popularity, which for years had been denied to him. Kurt even met Blaine's parents one night, at a casual dinner in their house. They had been curious to meet the boy who had been making their son so happy lately. The food wasn't very good, as apparently Blaine's mom wasn't much of a cook – but the experience was amazing all the same.

Sometimes, when Finn was busy with Rachel at her house, and Burt and Carole were both working, Kurt and Blaine had the Hudson-Hummel home to themselves. They would kiss passionately on the couch while they pretended to watch a movie. By July, the boys got more adventurous and the pretense of a film wasn't necessary. They even felt comfortable enough, by the end of the summer, to – when the house was empty – go into Kurt's bedroom and make out on his bed. Sometimes, they even removed each other's shirts. The intimacy was exhilarating. Blaine's bare chest was so sexy, and provided so much fodder for Kurt's masturbation fantasies later those evenings, long after Blaine had gone home.

Summer ended, and school started. Blaine decided to transfer to McKinley, much to Kurt's delight. Time hanging out at each other's houses became less frequent, because they had too much homework, especially Kurt with his senior year course load, and because they saw each other in Glee Club every day anyway, and also at lunch most days of the week.

One day at the end of September, when school had only been back in session for about a month, Brittany approached Kurt at his locker. She complimented his outfit and started off being really nice. Kurt was flattered, although he hoped she hadn't missed the memo that he was gay, and dating someone monogamously. In his opinion, his experiment dating her a year-a-half prior had been a major disaster. Brittany couldn't be further from his type.

She then proceeded to tell him a terrifying story about unicorns, and was trying to tell Kurt that he was a unicorn himself, and he wasn't sure what her point was at first, but eventually he understood. She wanted him to run for class president, and wanted to help get him elected. Brittany thought he was worthy of the title, and again, he was quite flattered. He also quickly became excited at the idea. She already knew where he lived, and she was going to come over after school so that they could work on campaign posters together.

However, a few hours before that could happen, Mr. Schue made some announcements. Kurt found out he'd be required to attend a "booty camp" to work on his dancing skills, and Kurt also learned that the school musical this year, West Side Story, would not be directed by Mr. Schue, but rather by the man's girlfriend – the guidance counselor – in addition to Coach Beiste, and Artie. Those three people also would be in charge of judging the auditions later that week. Kurt immediately thought about how he'd love to be the lead in the musical – not only for college applications, but because he genuinely thought he could do it well. Who didn't want to play the role of Tony in such a classic, tragic musical which had its actual roots in Shakespeare?

Kurt spent an hour or so designing a poster for his class president campaign. He spent the majority of that hour thinking about what his West Side Story audition performance would be, since this type of artwork came second nature to him. Then, when the design was finished, he printed out the black-and-white poster at the local Kinko's. He was ready for Brittany when she arrived at the Hudson-Hummel home; what he wasn't ready for was the fact that she was wearing a unicorn horn and mane, and was carrying a large black bag made out of what he hoped was fake animal fur. Kurt ushered her up into his bedroom, where she proceeded to show him all of the contents. There were various pink posters, a lot of rainbows, glitter, and more pink, and suddenly Kurt felt overwhelmed. It was all too… gay. He didn't want to be known as 'Kurt Hummel: Homo'. He realized Brittany wasn't going to be able to help get him elected. There was no way the student body was going to elect someone who was so gay that it was all Brittany even noticed about him. He needed to get the lead in the school musical, because he needed something impressive to put on his NYADA application, and being class president just seemed… way too unlikely.

Getting the lead in the musical soon proved to be very unlikely too, unfortunately. He'd thought his audition had gone well, but when he spied on what the two women and Artie were saying about him, he began to realize he was also too gay for what he'd thought was an industry filled with gay men. He was too gay for the acting roles he wanted to be given a chance to play. He seemed destined to be relegated to a minor part, like his skill at singing and dancing didn't matter; all that mattered was his inability to pass as straight.

He tried to prove to Miss Pillsbury, Coach Beiste, and Artie that he could be Romeo. Deep down, Kurt knew he had been trying to prove it to himself, too. But that attempt failed miserably, with everyone – even Rachel, the Juliet to his Romeo – laughing at him when he went in for a kiss. He left the auditorium in tears, feeling utterly broken.

"The problem is that if I want to be an actor, I have to pass as straight to get the great romantic roles," Kurt tried to explain to his dad. "And I want those roles. Every actor does. But… to not get a shot at it. I mean, it kills me. I don't know if you've noticed, but no one's really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play opposite Kate Hudson in a rom-com."

"Kurt," Burt replied, "I say if they're not writing movies and plays for performers like you, then you gotta start writing your own. Come on, man, you're awesome! Change the rules; write your own history."

Kurt remembered what Brittany had told him earlier that week. "A unicorn is somebody who knows they're magical and isn't afraid to show it."

"I'm just tired of being a unicorn, Dad."

"You know what they call a unicorn without a horn?" his father asked, rhetorically. "A freakin' horse."

Kurt smiled. Maybe, one day he would write a musical so that gay guys like him didn't have to pass as straight to get a role they really wanted. Maybe, if he ever did get into NYADA, he could take a playwriting class and test out his skills.

Kurt couldn't quite shake this idea that his dad had planted in his head. He put it in the back of his mind, like it was a seed, and prepared to let it sit for a while and see if it'd grow.

Kurt couldn't lie to himself; it hurt when Blaine was cast as Tony instead of him, despite Blaine only being a junior. But Kurt tried to embrace his role of Officer Krupke, and to be as supportive as possible of his boyfriend. He was genuinely happy for him, after all. And Blaine and Rachel seemed genuinely happy in their respective romantic relationships, so Kurt was surprisingly able to avoid feelings of jealousy, even when he thought of how much time they were spending together after school, sometimes even stage-kissing. He knew Blaine only wanted to be with him.

The week of the musical came, and it sold out five whole days before opening night. Blaine seemed stressed out, wanting everything to be perfect. Kurt was needed at some of the rehearsals, but his presence wasn't required at all of them. However, regardless of if he had stayed for hours after school with his boyfriend and the other leads on any particular day, Kurt would still always come over to Blaine's house after the rehearsal in order to help Blaine get in some extra practice with his lines. When they were done, Kurt being there also usually helped Blaine to relax. They'd let loose and dance in silly and unstructured ways with fun music blaring from Blaine's high-fidelity speakers. Then they'd kiss. Sometimes Kurt would even borrow Blaine's kitchen and cook something fun with Blaine's help, and after that, they'd enjoy the meal together.

One evening, just a few days before the opening night of their show, Blaine explained that Artie had raised an interesting point. In his role as director of the musical, Artie had turned to both Blaine and Rachel and then asked, "How do you expect to convey the human experience to an audience, when you haven't even opened yourself up to one of humanity's most basic and primal ones?"

Blaine thought that maybe their friend's concern was valid. "I mean, maybe we don't need to keep waiting."

Kurt felt intrigued at the prospect of sex with his boyfriend. He couldn't lie. He kind of had felt the urge to… explore each other's bodies below the belt. Actually, he'd felt that urge on many occasions. Kurt's curiosity had been building for a while now. But Kurt took too long to respond.

"Whatever we do, I want to make sure that you're comfortable," Blaine assured him, noticing his boyfriend's silence. "So I can be comfortable."

Kurt smiled.

Things became complicated on Wednesday afternoon because of Sebastian.

Kurt met him for the first time when he saw the teenager in a Dalton uniform sitting at a table with Blaine. Sebastian seemed way too into Blaine for Kurt's taste, both in The Lima Bean and later at Scandals, which Sebastian had invited the couple out to. However, the night ended with Blaine dancing with Kurt, both of them avoiding drinking much, and the pair driving home together, happily. Blaine did seem to be flattered by Sebastian's interest in him, and Kurt couldn't help but think that maybe if his boyfriend was single he would've taken him up on his request to grind on the dance floor. But as it was, Blaine and Kurt had an exciting time in their first ever trip to a gay bar. Sebastian seemed to find a way to have a good time too, dancing and making out with a stranger he'd likely just met that night.

Later, after Kurt and Blaine were back at Blaine's house, Blaine asked Kurt something Kurt hadn't been expecting.

"Do you want to spend the night?"

Kurt considered the proposition for a moment. He wondered what that request… implied.

"I know your parents are out of town, canvasing for your dad's campaign. You said Finn was having Rachel over, and well, my dad is away on business and my mom's at a spa weekend. So… this could be a great chance for us to… be alone. All night."

Kurt tried not to think about what Finn and Rachel were likely doing, or how Blaine might be rushing this because he wanted to lose his virginity before West Side Story's opening night.

Kurt instead focused on what mattered. That Blaine seemed to legitimately want to… go into uncharted territory with him. Kurt realized just how much he wanted to as well.

"I'd love to spend the night," Kurt finally answered, the corners of his mouth twitching into a hint of a smile.

Blaine beamed.

They spent a few hours that evening exploring each other's bodies. With their mouths and with their fingers. They didn't use condoms because there was no risk of STDs, not with them both being virgins – Kurt trusted Blaine and figured why not get the full experience. Blaine gave Kurt a blow job, and then Kurt decided to try out being a bottom, so Blaine proceeded to find the lube stashed in his older brother's bedroom. Kurt thought that he could see how he felt about being a top someday in the near future, but tonight, right here, right now, Blaine barebacking him… it was everything Kurt could've dreamed of. Turning around and seeing Blaine's face right after he orgasmed… Kurt couldn't be happier for his partner. For his lover. The blow job was Kurt's only orgasm of the night, but it was probably the best orgasm he'd ever experienced in his life. Maybe my dad was right, he thought. Maybe now that I've started having sex, I'll never want to stop.

They went to school the next morning exhausted, having stayed up way too late, lying naked in bed, holding each other, talking quietly about the sex they'd just had, and how they'd felt about it. It was Thursday, and Blaine told Kurt in the afternoon that maybe they should spend this last day before the show apart, because they both needed to be well-rested for the show on Friday. Kurt agreed, even though he could probably play the part of Officer Krupke in his sleep. He still wanted to be wide awake enough to appreciate every moment of Blaine's performance as Tony. Blaine was going to kill it; he had no doubt.

A few weeks later, Kurt found himself feeling much less enthusiastic about sex with his boyfriend. One day, Blaine said his parents would be busy until late, so maybe in the afternoon they could be intimate again in his bedroom, but Kurt turned him down. Blaine was visibly disappointed. Kurt tried to soften the blow and fibbed. "My dad needs me to help out in the shop today, that's all. Otherwise, I'd love to come over." Blaine didn't seem to really buy it.

Kurt had turned him down because they'd just had sex three days prior, and it felt way too soon. Kurt was beginning to realize that his sex drive would never be able to keep up with Blaine's. He wondered if there was something wrong with him. He was a teenage boy who felt like there was such a thing as too much sex. In his opinion, sex only four days apart was too frequent. Kurt still had absolutely no desire to view porn, and although orgasms were fun and all, they weren't the only thing in life that were enjoyable. He'd loved his first time with Blaine, and his second time a week later… but what he loved more was naked cuddling, for hours, and feeling safe and loved and happy with Blaine in his arms.

After finishing reading his English class assignment, and also completing his Pre-Calc homework, Kurt decided to open up a web browser and search for an answer to his problem.

'My boyfriend wants to have sex way more than me,' he typed into the search bar. He had a list of other search terms he was considering. Things about low sex drive, or does anyone in the world prefer cuddling and kissing to sex?, or does sex stop being as fun once the novelty of the new experience wears off? He could adjust the search in a myriad of ways, if the results for this first search didn't prove to be satisfying.

However, the results ended up being exactly what he was looking for. He didn't even have to scroll down very far before some posts about asexuality caught his eye. He had never heard of that before.

The definition didn't feel like it fit him quite right, but he still felt somehow comforted to learn that there were asexual people – including asexual men! – in the world. That not all men were the same, when it came to sexual desire. After reading a few different definitions on a few different web sites, he noticed a footnote.

If asexuality sounds close, but not quite correct for your experiences, you might want to look into the related ace-spectrum identities, gray-asexuality and demisexuality.

Kurt noticed that the relevant words were hyperlinked, and he quickly clicked through to learn more about people who were gray-a. He clicked and clicked and stayed up way too late surfing the web on the computer in his bedroom, drinking in all of the new information, never having realized before just how thirsty for it he had been.

The next morning, he was pretty sure he fit the definition for being a homoromantic gray-ace. That he could still be a gay guy, romantically and sometimes-sexually attracted only to men and not to women… but a different type of gay man than Sebastian. That guy was clearly not on the asexuality spectrum, while Kurt, most likely, was. Kurt's worldview was shifting. He was beginning to see the concept of romance in a drastically different light.