This chapter is Emma's point of view.

It takes place during the first half of an AU version of season 5, not long after chapters 1 and 4 took place. Remember, in this universe Beiste never had a crush on Will. Content warnings for Emma's OCD, and for Beiste recounting what her experience being abused by Cooter was like (a part of the timeline I've skipped over, so this is all past tense now). Also, there is a brief reference to sexual assault in relation to a student Emma counseled as part of her job.

Also note: Strong commentary on the purity culture that exists in some denominations of Christianity in this chapter.

Chapter 6: None of Us Deserve to Feel All Alone

Emma lingered behind in the pews, intently focused on the hymnal in her hands as her husband went over to greet one of his students. The church they attended every Sunday was the very same church Emma had grown up in – Will had started attending Emma's once the couple had begun living in the same apartment. Usually, Emma found a sense of comfort from simply being in this religious building. It had such beautiful architecture, both inside and out. But most of the comfort she gained from it was more from the intense feeling that God was really there, more present than ever, whenever she was in this place meant to honor Him.

However, the minister's sermon topic on this particular morning had hit uncomfortably close to home for Emma. As a result, she was now compulsively dusting off the book's cover with her handkerchief in a repetitive motion. She couldn't seem to stop, to simply return it to the back of the seat in front of her. She was wearing a formal black skirt and simple white blouse with a white sweater on her shoulders; she never wore disrespectful or "fun" colors to church. Her bright orange hair was the only color that radiated from her presence. It was bouncing slightly from the movement of her body as she continued to sweep her arm back and forth over the dark book, wiping off the dust that was no longer there.

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three.

For a moment, it made her imagine some type of a cruel waltz.

The compulsion was spiraling out of control and consuming all of her attention. She needed to focus on something – on anything – besides the counting in her head. She silently said a little prayer, asking for God to give her strength in this moment – a moment when she felt so desperate, so weak.

With a great deal of effort, Emma moved her thoughts back to the upsetting sermon that had triggered her anxious cleaning. The minister had been mainly preaching to the younger crowd about the virtue of saving oneself for marriage. He also had gushed about "just how wonderful the gift of love between a husband and wife is". Of course she could read between the lines; she knew in this context when he'd said "gift of love", he had been clearly referring not just to love in general, but rather to the specific feeling of elation that was an orgasm. He had gone on and on, trying to drive home the point that this amazing thing could only be found within the confines of holy matrimony and if one attempted to find it outside of marriage, it wouldn't be special anymore, and any pleasure gained from it would be sinfully hedonistic. He was clearly trying to shame anyone in the congregation who had ever dared to enjoy premarital sex, and make them feel guilt for their actions. He was also making a very convincing argument – toward mostly the boys and men currently feeling that type of temptation – that they must resist that urge to commit the sin at all costs. Otherwise they were risking so much, even Heaven itself. More importantly, congregants of the female persuasion who didn't do everything they could to dress modestly and avoid tempting their boyfriends would be betraying their future husbands. A man deserved an untainted bride, didn't he?

Emma found herself shocked and even a little ashamed at the moment, that morning, when she fully realized that she had once completely agreed with these sentiments. She used to be privately judgmental toward people who participated in one-night-stands and casual "hook-ups". Sex without first having love? It had never made sense to her. And so she'd found it easy to go along with the idea that God didn't sanction that type of sexual expression. She hadn't even realized how sexist it all was until very recently.

But years had passed since she'd first accepted those ideas, and gradually, with age and experience Emma found herself realizing just how flawed evangelical purity culture was in its entirety. Her church wasn't the only one in Lima that had participated in glorifying the concept of a girl's virginity, and in elevating the idea of marriage so very much. And she'd seen firsthand the damage it could do to her students. Obviously demonization of homosexuality hurt the kids who weren't straight but were still trying to fit the mold, to fit the only script their church provided. She witnessed that as well. But the purity culture resulted in kids proposing to one another before they were even legally able to marry without their parents' consent! She'd even seen boys disappointed to learn that despite a girl as young as sixteen being allowed to enter into a marriage as long as she had consent, in the state of Ohio he was required to wait until his eighteenth birthday, no matter what. Emma never quite knew what to say to these kids who were so sure their love would last forever, and who were often members of Celibacy Club and clearly getting married for only one reason.

There were also kids who got STDs or pregnant, after being unable to resist the typical adolescent temptations – temptations that she'd never had. But the problem was that when they did sin in this way, they weren't properly prepared, knowing nothing about all of the preventative tools that existed. Her job often ended up with her providing pamphlets on hormonal birth control or barrier methods only after it was a little too late for these kids. The constraints their school district had placed on her had meant she wasn't even allowed to speak about it! The best she could do was heavily encourage her students to read what she handed them. Will had been right when he'd said a couple of years prior that the sex-ed curriculum in McKinley was in dire need of some improvements.

The worst was when a teacher had sent a crying girl to Emma, and Emma had found out that the poor child was dealing with the aftermath of a sexual assault at the hands of her ex-boyfriend. As if that wasn't awful enough, the girl also confided that she felt responsible for what had happened, because after all – she claimed – she had tempted this cruel teenage boy. And now, she knew no man would ever want to touch her again, and she was mourning the loss of her entire romantic future. In her own tearful words she was 'de-flowered', and would never be able to 'be a flower' again, no matter what. She thought these things mainly because, Emma soon would find out, that was what she'd specifically been taught in her religion.

Emma swept her cloth across the book three more times in quick succession. Those poor kids, coming into her office in tears. They weren't sinners. None of them were.

This sermon today about sex and marriage had led Emma to think about her own marriages, and about her almost-marriage too. She remembered how she could never will herself to participate in any remotely sexual act with Carl, despite their status as husband and wife – a fact which had led to their annulment. She remembered how she had found herself grateful when Ken had jilted her at the altar. And then finally she remembered how with her soulmate, although she may have needed a while, it had not been necessary to delay any acts of love-making until after they'd said their 'I do's.

Emma wasn't sure when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, she'd stopped believing that God frowned upon sex outside of marriage, regardless of if that concept was apparently still worthy to be the basis for an entire sermon her pastor might give. For years now, Emma had been trying to hold onto her love for this church. Nostalgia went a long way, and besides, she still believed in Jesus, and that everything happened for a reason – that God didn't ever make mistakes. In the end, she knew everyone she loved would end up happily ever after in Heaven. And some of those people she felt a genuine love for were people she only ever saw on these Sunday mornings, plus occasionally special church events, like the Saturday afternoon picnics which only happened a few times a year. Over the last couple of decades, they'd become her friends. She'd hate to never see them again for the rest of her life. It would just be too difficult to let go of the community here, and so Emma had kept attending every week, even if she didn't agree completely with everything that might be said from the pulpit.

Today, however, it was so much harder to ignore the message, because she couldn't stop thinking about how alienating the part of the sermon about the wonderful gift would've been to some people who might have been in the congregation – people who were currently in marriages like hers and Carl's had been. Marriages where there might have been some love… but where one partner was on the asexual spectrum. She'd been in that type of marriage only a couple of years ago. Holy Matrimony didn't work like a switch to make you sexually interested in your partner. She now knew that, but she hadn't had that wisdom when she was a young, impressionable girl in church. Suddenly, this morning, it had finally hit her just how much these messages had confused her and complicated her life for so many years. She hated the thought of there being young people in her church who didn't know asexuality existed, and who were hearing this man's words and believing in them, expecting to be able to experience one of God's most wonderful gifts one day, when maybe they really wouldn't, not ever. She was demisexual. The way her life had turned out, yes, she now really did know what the minister was talking about. Sex with her husband was truly magical for her. She sent up a little prayer in thanks for allowing her path to cross with Will, for all of the events that led to the happy place she was at in her current life.

But what if she had never met Will? Her heart clenched in her chest and she felt on the verge of tears, merely considering how her life could've turned out, and how painful it could've been for her. And then there he was, his hand gently on hers, stopping the motion of her handkerchief, the motion she hadn't fully realized she was still engaged in.

"Honey?" he said very softly, and Emma got the distinct impression that he was legitimately afraid she might break.

She hated seeming so fragile and in a quick motion, returned the hymnal to its rightful place. She felt a surge of pride in herself for being able to do it. It was easier to let go of than she'd expected.

"I'm sorry I left you here alone," he apologized, sounding so guilty. "I didn't realize you…"

Emma hated the way he trailed off. The way he still didn't know what to say about her OCD. The way he was acting like this was something he had the power to control, rather than her own mental illness.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then pushed herself up off the bench into a standing position. "Let's go home."

Will simply nodded, taking her hand in his.

A few days later, Emma did end up talking to Dr. Shane about her episode in church. The OCD episode triggered by the words said in that church. The doctor had then suggested something Emma hadn't wanted to hear, but deep down knew was the only real, long-term solution; switch to a new church. Say goodbye to the toxic environment. Stay in touch with her church-friends in other ways, if they were important to her.

The following morning at school, while all of the kids were in their second class of the day and she had a brief break with an empty office, she couldn't help but hear her therapist's words echo in her head. Emma knew Will would follow wherever she wanted to go. She made the decision to research her options that afternoon. She would've started on it immediately, except – thanks to McKinley's extremely limited budget – she didn't even have a computer in her office, and attempting to do that kind of research on her phone would probably drive her crazy. Well, not actually crazy. Emma hated when that word even crossed her own private thoughts, and so the moment it happened, she actually tensed up. Far too often, throughout her life, she had been insensitively called crazy by people who simply didn't understand.

In the teacher's lounge at lunch, she met up with Shannon, thinking of maybe asking her where she currently attended church, or even possibly to borrow the computer in the locker room while all the boys were guaranteed to be elsewhere. However, before she got a chance to ask, Shannon posited a question of her own.

"Hey, you think you might be up for bowling this weekend?"

Emma was surprised by the out-of-nowhere invitation. She was pretty sure she hadn't gone bowling since she was a child.

"Um, sure," Emma answered. "I'm pretty sure Will doesn't need to spend both days grading his kids' papers on The Magna Carta." She smiled warmly, already excited at the idea of doing something fun and different.

"Oh," Beiste said. "Actually, um… I was hoping maybe it could be a… girl's night out kind of a thing. Only we could do it in the daytime if you wanted, I'm not picky about the time. Just…"

"No Will?" Emma finished for her.

Shannon seemed embarrassed when she nodded in affirmation.

"Oh, okay," Emma said. "Sure." She wasn't sure what to make of Shannon not wanting Will to be involved, especially since she knew her husband and the coach were close friends too, possibly even closer than she was with Shannon. "You're not… in a fight with him, or something, are you?"

"Oh, no. Nothing like that," Beiste reassured her.

Emma then remembered that Shannon hadn't dated anyone since her painful divorce, and maybe being the third wheel on a night out would be too upsetting for her. She didn't want to push the subject of the number of fish there were in the sea, though. So Emma simply nodded and accepted the fact that it would be just the two women out bowling on the coming weekend, deciding she didn't need a real explanation.

Bowling turned out to be a blast. Emma knew she looked out of place in those bowling shoes she rented, but that just made the whole thing feel sillier and ultimately, more fun. She shouldn't have been surprised by how strong the school football coach was, but the weight of the ball Shannon preferred and the force with which she sent it down the lane and into the pins did surprise her, just the same. Emma was so impressed.

Meanwhile, Emma was grateful to not be judged for the number of times her only eleven-pound ball was falling into the gutter. Besides, by their second game Emma had improved significantly and was hitting some pins at least every other time she rolled the ball.

"Congratulations," Emma said after the second game concluded, knowing her friend had won fair and square. "Sorry I wasn't much competition!" she jokingly apologized.

Shannon beamed and shrugged off that apology. "You did great, considering the number of years since you last tried this game!" her friend commended her.

Emma blushed slightly.

Shannon's tone turned slightly more serious as they sat beside each other in the chairs, removing their rented footwear and returning their feet to what they'd worn outside. "Seriously, though, thanks for coming out here with me. I haven't actually gone bowling since… well… me and Cooter used to do this pretty often."

Emma paused mid-untying of a lace and sympathetically looked toward Shannon. "I'm really sorry I didn't notice what was happening with you and Cooter until after you told me," she said. Emma had been feeling a little guilty ever since then. She was a trained guidance counselor and should've known more about the warning signs of abuse when it came to her closest friends.

Shannon shook her head, dismissing the apology. "You got nothing to be sorry for. Cooter on the other hand…" Shannon trailed off, clearly thinking about all he'd done. She looked angry now as she reflected upon it all.

Emma remembered when she had only looked sad, and hoped this was an improvement – a sign that Shannon's emotional wounds were healing into scars, scars that would hopefully fade with time.

"I'm just glad I was already too old to really get pregnant," Beiste then commented casually.

Emma's eyes went a little wide. Emma and Will were currently trying to get pregnant, themselves. She was surprised to hear Shannon bring up the topic.

Shannon seemed to notice Emma's reaction, because she then elaborated, "Cooter said he wanted a baby. My whole life I knew on some level that I never wanted kids, but he had me so twisted up, I got to thinkin' maybe he knew me better than I knew myself! I actually let him… try with me a few times. And besides, I was kind of afraid if I said no that he'd leave me… and if he did, I'd be alone, for the rest of my life."

It had been a long time since Emma had heard her say so much about the awfulness she'd experienced with Cooter.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," she said. She wished people who wanted to remain childfree could have their choice respected, always, especially by people like their husbands.

"You don't even know the half of it!" Shannon continued, and then she looked around nervously, realizing they were in public and this topic of conversation was private. At a near whisper, she then said, "I actually… never even enjoyed sex with him, not once. I don't know if we just didn't have chemistry, or if I was always a little intimidated by him and those feelings got in the way, or what."

Emma suddenly felt a rush of emotions, all at once. These topics had been on her mind so heavily the past few days. Plus, she felt oddly honored that Shannon felt comfortable confiding all of this in her. She felt very tempted to bring up the asexuality spectrum to Shannon, but at the same time nervous that it'd be completely inapplicable in her friend's specific circumstance. Emma felt torn about if she should say anything now, or later after she gave Shannon space to maybe admit some other hard truths about that abusive relationship she'd managed to escape.

Luckily, Emma didn't have to decide, because Shannon made that decision for her. "Actually though," Shannon said, "I just heard some of my players mention something in a… private conversation the other day, and I was wondering if you'd heard of it? I probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping but they were talking about a girl they like who's… asexual?"

Emma laughed slightly, so pleasantly caught off guard by that.

Shannon's facial expression sunk, and Emma quickly reached out a hand to gently touch Shannon's and try to reassure her that she wasn't laughing at her friend, not in the slightest.

"No, no, it's just… I actually am asexual, myself," she clarified, hoping that would be enough to explain away the reflex of laughter.

Shannon blinked a few times, and then furrowed her brow in confusion. "But… you and Will…"

"Well, maybe I'm not the same type of asexual as you," Emma elaborated. "I'm actually demisexual. Have you heard of that?"

Shannon shook her head, indicating that she hadn't.

"It basically means…. Well, people who are demisexual tend to need a strong emotional connection first, before they might possibly find someone sexually attractive. Most people only use the term 'demi' if they never find themselves with sexual crushes on actors in movies or strangers on the street, if they only have those kinds of… feelings of… well, lust, for people they are already close friends with, like me and Will were before we started dating."

Shannon nodded slowly, clearly trying to understand. "Yeah, I don't… I'm not sure if I've ever felt lust in my entire life. Or… or even a crush at all," she admitted slowly. "I mean, I wanted to be wanted by someone, but that's more… insecurity than actually being drawn toward someone, isn't it?"

Shannon looked so vulnerable in that moment, so hopeful that maybe Emma could help her figure out herself, figure out something that must have been so confusing and difficult for the vast majority of Shannon's adult life.

Emma was overcome with emotion for her friend. "You know what we need?"

"What?"

"A Lima, Ohio group for people who are asexual in various ways to meet up and discuss their experiences, or learn more about the topic."

Shannon was the one to laugh this time. "Yeah, I think we could really benefit from that."

"Shannon? I propose you do some research online and be the one to start it. I think you might be… aromantic, based on your comment about not having crushes, but I'm not sure. You should look that up and see if it fits you or not. But regardless, I just think you're already a coach, and you're great at being a leader."

Shannon seemed touched by the compliment.

Emma would soon hopefully be busy with a baby – and for the rest of her life, she knew she'd always be pretty busy between school and her family – but if Shannon was really an aromantic asexual like Emma suspected – someone who would never even have a partner, let alone kids – maybe Shannon could have the time to dedicate to this worthy endeavor. She hoped charging Shannon with this responsibility wasn't overstepping. She hoped Shannon knew she didn't have to take Emma's suggestion. Emma just thought it might be a really good idea.

"Y'know what?" Beiste replied. "I'll definitely consider starting something like that. Anything I could do to help probably'd be worth it."

Emma smiled, so glad Shannon was reacting in this fashion.

Beiste continued, "I really hate the idea of folks who live right here in town thinking they're the only person in the world with these feelings toward sex – or the only one to lack those kinds of feelings, I guess. I mean, we were friends and I didn't even know that about you! But maybe if that group existed, I would've found out sooner."

"Yeah," Emma replied. After a moment of thought, she added, "None of us deserve to feel all alone."