This chapter is Marley's point of view.

Please be wary of some characters beginning to have some invalidating comments when Marley comes out as asexual.

Chapter 7: Romance? Quoi?

Marley sat across from her psychiatrist, trying to work up the courage to say the words. The session was almost over. If she didn't do it now she would have to wait till the next one. She'd already told Dr. Nelson that she had something she needed to tell her before her mom arrived to pick her up. The only problem was that actually saying it was proving to be more difficult than she'd realized it'd be.

The adult leaned forward. "You don't have to be afraid to admit anything to me," she said gently. "I've probably heard it all before."

Marley pursed her lips some more and then broke eye contact. She nervously fiddled with the hem of her skirt as she mumbled, "I'm a different sexual orientation than I thought I was."

"Oh?" Dr. Nelson replied with intrigue.

"Yeah." Marley took a deep breath and then looked back into those wise brown eyes, eyes that belonged to a person she had grown to trust so much over the past six months. "I'm asexual. Ace, for short. Actually, more specifically, a sex-averse, non-libidoist… 'double-u tee eff romantic' type of asexual," she said as quickly as she could, trying to get it all over with. "Although lately, I've been liking the term 'quoiromantic' more. I just discovered it. It comes from the French word for 'what' and it's less related to the F-word, a word I've never actually used in my life, I'm really not someone to swear… so I guess I probably will stop saying WTFromantic and instead call myself quoiromantic from now on."

She realized she'd been rambling, and her therapist hadn't said a thing. So Marley fell silent and waited for Dr. Nelson's response.

"I'm not sure where you're getting all of these… terms," the woman finally said, and Marley couldn't help but think that her tone sounded condescending. "Are you trying to say that you don't have a sex drive right now?"

"Well, yeah, I guess, but-" Marley began.

Dr. Nelson cut her off. "That's totally normal for a girl who's still in the early stages of her recovery from anorexia and bulimia. You had a small relapse just two weeks ago. Depriving yourself of the nutrients you need really hurts your body in a lot of ways. This is just one of those symptoms. You need to have patience. If your lack of a sex drive is really bothering you, we can try a few types of medications, however-"

"No!" Marley interrupted forcefully, feeling so disappointed and frustrated all at once that she was now on the verge of tears. "I'm asexual. It's different than just a low sex drive, because well, I just don't find guys – or girls, or anyone – sexy!"

"Well, I know it might feel that way to you right now. But when you have an eating disorder, your thoughts are so focused on your own body and what other people might be seeing. Give yourself time to recover and you'll find boys appealing in that way again!"

Marley didn't want to listen to what this woman was saying. She wanted to find Unique and tell her it had gone horribly. The plan that she and her friend had discussed ahead of time had gone wrong in every way they knew it might, but had hoped it wouldn't. Dr. Nelson had never even heard of asexuality. Dr. Nelson didn't understand. She didn't understand that even before Marley had started having an unhealthy relationship with food – and laxatives, and mirrors – that Marley had been this way. Marley didn't have it in her to educate her therapist. She simply couldn't interrupt again to try to inform her doctor that there were other people in the world who didn't have mental illnesses yet still somehow were asexual. Dr. Nelson didn't understand any of it.

The tears pricked at her eyes and Marley blinked heavily, wishing them away.

Somehow, Marley managed to endure the final two minutes of the session, get back in the car next to her mother, and lie that everything had gone fine.

Somehow, Marley was able to hold in her tears until the door to her bedroom was shut and she had complete and total privacy. As soon as the lock clicked into place, she turned into a hysterical wreck.

Somehow, Unique had known she should come over, just in case, and make sure her best friend was okay. The black girl knocked and announced herself, and then Marley regained most of her composure and let her in.

Unique noticed the damp spot on the pillow Marley had been crying into – the light-green color had deepened into a forest shade.

"What happened?" Unique asked sadly. Her shoulders drooped a bit, her entire demeanor sinking as she realized how upset Marley was.

Marley took a few deep breaths. "I shouldn't have told her," she said simply. She wiped away the last remaining tears, leaving behind a puffy redness.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Unique asked gently.

"No. Let's talk about you. What did you do while I was at the worst-appointment-ever?" Marley countered with a small, mirthless chuckle.

Unique sat down on the edge of Marley's bed with a sympathetic smile that, like all sad smiles, didn't reach her eyes. Marley joined her on top of the bedspread.

"Well, Ryder and I were hanging out," Unique said. "It was nothing special."

Marley suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything she knew Unique did feel for Ryder.

"It would've been special if you'd finally had sex, wouldn't it?" Marley replied, a little more harshly than she'd intended.

Unique looked taken aback. She blinked a few times but before she had a chance to respond, Marley began to apologize.

"I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know-"

"You know? You know that I'm a girl with all the wrong body parts who has to wear a wig because of her stupid parents who won't let her grow out her hair? That I'm in a relationship with a boy who at first wouldn't even accept that I was a girl? Do you?" Unique was so angry. "Because it sounds like maybe you forgot!"

Marley felt awful. She'd never wanted to hurt her friend. She had just experienced what it was like to have someone say all the wrong things to her. How could she have been so insensitive?! Marley loved Unique. She loved Unique as much as she loved Jake, if she was being honest. She hadn't told Unique that yet, but her love for Unique was actually the main reason she had settled on the quoiromantic label. Because she cared so deeply about her friend. And sometimes, she wished Unique wasn't dating anyone. Sometimes she wished Unique could just be hers.

Quietly, in a very timid voice, Marley responded. "I do know. I didn't forget."

Unique nodded. "You just need an asexual friend sometimes?"

Marley smiled meekly. "And you probably need a trans friend just as badly."

"You can say that again, sister."

They hugged, Marley grateful to have been forgiven. "At least we have each other," Marley whispered into Unique's hair. She really did forget it was a wig, most of the time. And wasn't that a good thing? Marley was pretty sure it was.

The next day, Jake took her hand in his. Marley was ready to explain what had happened in her therapist's office to her mother. She had not yet come out to her mother, but this time she had Jake to back her up, unlike when she'd been so vulnerable and alone with Dr. Nelson.

"I need to switch therapists, Mom," Marley announced.

Millie looked up from the huge pot of oatmeal she was stirring in the otherwise deserted school kitchen. It was before school – before even the few kids who came for breakfast would arrive – and the whole building was still quiet, providing them privacy for the personal conversation that was about to ensue.

"Why?" she asked quickly, full of concern. Her eyes flitted toward her daughter's boyfriend, and then toward their linked hands.

"Well, first I need to tell you something that I… should've told you already," Marley said slowly.

Millie furrowed her brow. "Are you okay, hun?"

"I'm fine. I'm just… asexual," she explained.

"No, I'm asexual," Millie said with a laugh. "Haven't been with a man since your father! You're young, you can't use that term yet."

"No, Ms. Rose, Marley means-" Jake started to quietly explain, but Millie wasn't paying attention.

She continued, "I mean, I'm really happy to hear you're not doing the nasty yet, darlings," completely oblivious to everything.

"Mom!" Marley shouted, full of embarrassment. Jake was, sure enough, stifling a giggle. How could her mother say such things in front of her boyfriend?

"Sorry, honey. What were you saying?"

"I was trying to say that I'm asexual. It's got nothing to do with… celibacy." Marley wondered how her mother might feel about that term being applied to her long period without a sexual partner, but then decided it was something to think about another time and simply pushed forward. "Jake isn't asexual, but I am, and we're still trying to make our relationship work. It's… my sexual orientation."

Millie now was listening more intently.

Marley continued, "If I was a lesbian, I'd be sexually attracted to girls and not guys. If I was straight…" she took a deep breath. "If I was straight, I'd feel that way toward guys and not girls."

"Right, and if you were one of them bisexuals, you'd like everybody. Are you saying you're none of the above, hun?" Millie's voice conveyed confusion.

"Actually… yeah, Mom, that's exactly what I'm saying. I… don't find people sexually attractive."

"But honey! I was hoping for you and Mr. Puckerman here to give me some gorgeous, milk-chocolate grandbabies one day!"

"Mom!" Marley shouted again, this time in a much more horrified tone. What her mother had just said was… well, she was pretty sure it was racist. It was also very presumptuous, and besides, what did her not finding guys sexually attractive have to do with her plans to have children?

"I… What? No," she stammered. "I'm only fifteen years old, Mom!"

"Sorry, sweetie. I guess I got ahead of myself?"

"It's okay," Jake assured her. "It was confusing for me too, at first."

"Thanks, sweetheart," she said to the boy.

"So anyway, I need to switch therapists because when I told Dr. Nelson, she hadn't even heard of asexuality. I can't keep seeing her. Or at least, I really don't want to. Please, Mom."

"Okay, okay," Millie said, trying to catch up, her eyes now wide. "Whatever you need. I trust your judgment, honey."

Marley felt herself relax. "Thanks, Mom."

"No problem."

Marley and Jake left the kitchen and once in the hallway, parted ways with a chaste kiss. Marley felt a rush in her chest as their lips touched. She always loved these shows of affection, just like she loved hand-holding, and hugging, and cuddling. She loved being close to her boyfriend in this way. It felt special and intimate, and not at all sexual in her mind. She appreciated Jake so much, especially for having stood by her as she did such a difficult thing this morning. She'd been so nervous about what her mom's reaction might be after what had happened with Dr. Nelson the day prior. In the end, her mom had taken it fairly well, she thought.

She let Jake walk toward his locker and turned around to proceed in the direction of her own. She passed by Mr. Schue's office and experienced a flash of painful déjà vu. It was a memory of the office looking exactly this same way right after Finn had left to go off to college at her suggestion. Suddenly, she was struck with a thought that had never crossed her mind before. What if Finn, when he was alive, had ever looked at her in a sexual way?

She'd always just assumed he'd seen her as a little sister. She'd felt comfortable in his presence, as if he was the big brother she'd never had. But that had been when the world was simpler, when she hadn't yet fully understood just how often sex was on the average boy's mind, when she had sort of seen everyone as asexual-until-proven-otherwise, because she didn't even know asexuality existed but subconsciously she'd just wanted everyone to be like her. Finn was only a few years older than her. A normal girl who wasn't broken the way Marley was probably would've been crushing so hard on that college boy. She started to shed a few tears, and tried to convince herself they were being brought on by grief. She did still miss Finn, desperately. He had been the only person not to blame her for their Sectionals loss. He had been so kind to her. But no, she couldn't lie to herself. Who was she trying to fool? Today, her tears were selfish, and that made her feel even worse. She wasn't crying because Finn was dead. She was crying because there was a chance he had looked at her in a sexual way, and she would have been so oblivious. She was crying because she felt like a miserable excuse for a human being, like maybe Dr. Nelson had been right – maybe if she wasn't mentally ill, she'd be able to feel sexual attraction for the beautiful people all around her in her life.

Marley ran into the girls' bathroom, needing a moment alone. She stood with her back to the sinks – to the mirrors – and took a few minutes to try and calm down. She was sex-averse, and that was okay. She'd read about that online. It was normal for some sex-averse and sex-repulsed people to feel uncomfortable at even just the thought of other people finding them sexy. It was normal. She wasn't broken. She wasn't.

Before lunch, Glee Club met, and Marley sat next to Jake, her arm entwined in his. However, she kept stealing glances the whole time toward Ryder and Unique. She thought about it, and realized she really did hope they could be happy together. They looked surprisingly cute together. Ryder really was giving this relationship a chance. Marley was glad. Ryder deserved happiness too, and of course she wanted Unique to be happy. Marley really did. It wasn't fair to feel jealous.

Mr. Schue gave them all their assignment for the week: Heartbreaking Break-Up Songs. He looked at the couples around the room and said, "Don't sing them to your girlfriends or boyfriends, of course!" He chuckled, hoping people would like his assignment. "Make me cry, kids! I know you can do it!"

Marley looked over at Jake and wondered if Mr. Schue's assignment was a not-so-subtle sign-from-the-universe that it might be time to set her boyfriend free. She wasn't sure how much longer he could live without sex, and she wasn't sure how much longer she wanted to ask him to, anyway.

Later that day, as English class was concluding, everyone was assigned to go home and write a poem about unrequited love. It was a theme that seemed to come up in a lot of the works they read, and Marley couldn't help but think about how much she'd enjoyed Cyrano de Bergerac earlier in the year. She always loved that type of romantic fiction. Love stories made sense to her. It was when she tried to fit herself into the narrative that she found herself lost and confused. She hadn't even left the classroom before she decided that her poem was going to be about the other side of unrequited love. She was going to write about not being able to return, or "requite", the love. About not feeling things she might wish she could feel. She wished she could feel them because she didn't want to hurt the other person. But the simple act of not feeling what they felt… it did hurt them.

As she did her homework at the desk in her bedroom that evening, she found herself shedding tears over the poem she was writing. Gosh she had cried so much in the past two days. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been this emotional. Every new thing kept hitting her hard.

She couldn't help but imagine turning the poem into a song, a song she could see herself singing to Jake this week in glee club. She walked over to the acoustic guitar she kept in the corner of her bedroom and pulled it out of its case and began to strum a few chords, trying to see if she could pull off the right emotions in the music.

She was never going to be able to give Jake everything he wanted or needed. She was never going to be happy spending the rest of her life with Jake, either. She didn't know how to explain it. She loved him, but she also loved Unique, and Ryder, and her mom. She had loved Finn. It all felt extremely similar to her. She had told Jake she was panromantic, but if that was true, then how could she not be able to differentiate what she felt for her mom in any meaningful way from what she felt for Jake, or Unique? What was romance, and why couldn't the internet answer any of her questions?

She wondered if the poets of the world, throughout the centuries, had any insights into what exactly the difference was between romantic love and platonic love. Platonic was the word people used for all of the other kinds, right? Friendships? Family? Other, not-so-easily-categorized relationships?

She put her guitar back down. The song sucked. The poem was okay and she figured she'd get an 'A' on the assignment – she always did, in English class – but she was struggling so much with the music. Maybe Unique could help her someday. Unique always had a better ear for composition. All Marley could do well were the words.

But for the moment, it didn't matter. She knew what song she would sing instead when she broke up with Jake. She had the perfect Kelly Clarkson song in mind.

And sure enough, the next day in Glee Club, she turned to Mr. Schue and commented, "I know you told us not to sing the songs… to our boyfriends, but…" Marley turned her head to face hers in the chairs in front of her, and all of her classmates eyes went wide in shock, some of them beginning to murmur. She ignored them and kept looking directly at Jake. "I'm really sorry, but… this is actually how I feel. We… probably should've ended things a long time ago, actually."

She handed the sheet music to Brad. He began to play the opening. The piano notes blended perfectly, and felt even more emotional without the drums that one would hear in the real song.

And then she began to sing.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

She knew she had to stave off her tears if she wanted her voice to remain full and powerful enough for the chorus of the song. She gathered up all the strength she had, and by the time she began singing the lines:

And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Marley, who was still staring into Jake's eyes, saw his own tears beginning to form.

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go.

By the time Marley finished the song, her hands were shaking. She turned away from the class and walked toward the door, finally allowing the silent tears to stream down her face.

She couldn't have asked for a better first boyfriend. She hoped he knew that the lyrics in the song had all been true. She may not know what kind of love it was she felt for Jake, but what she did know for sure was that she loved him. And she would forever be grateful to him for helping her understand herself so much better, for introducing her to asexuality, and for never trying to change her. For standing by her through all of it.