This chapter is Sebastian's point of view.
It goes back in time a couple of months, explaining what happened after chapter 11 but before chapter 12.
Chapter 13: A Life That's Anything But Boring
Sebastian hadn't been prepared for Linda's diagnosis. Of course, that was understandable. Never in a million years would he have been prepared to be cast in a role as simply a spectator to the impossible decision Linda had been forced to make. There had been three options, all of which likely to end in her death. She'd been told that she would die if she declined treatment. She'd have only a small chance of surviving, and also suffer more if she got chemotherapy and radiation, and there was also an experimental option but no one knew what the chances of it helping her were. Linda, like any parent, wanted the best chance for survival for her daughter's sake – concerns about her own 'quality of life' being quickly brushed aside in complete favor of 'quantity'. The problem was that no one could definitively tell her which option was her best chance. There were too many unknown variables. With some guidance from her doctor, she ended up choosing the chemotherapy route.
When Matilda was born, Sebastian had never thought to imagine the horror that less than three years later he'd be crying on the shoulder of one of his fuck-buddies, tasked with the responsibility of explaining why her mommy had collapsed unconscious in front of her on just the third week of chemo – Linda hadn't yet sat her toddler down in order to attempt an explanation of the cruel cosmic joke that was cancer. Sebastian had known the aggressive treatment was risky, but he hadn't been prepared to watch her die of pneumonia only a little over three months – fourteen weeks – after her diagnosis. The treatment had so completely weakened her immune system that she hadn't been able to fight off a simple cold, and then it had evolved into the much more serious illness, which she'd died from within hours. It all happened so fast. One minute she was still fighting for her life, hoping that despite the odds, she'd make it. The next, doctors were asking Sebastian to fill out forms about where the morgue should send her body. It was all so surreal, and he was beyond heartbroken.
Blaine was not just his fuck-buddy anymore. That truth had snuck up on him, but his relationship with Blaine had stopped being casual ages ago. Blaine had already been a genuine friend before Linda's diagnosis, and ever since that day, Blaine had been his rock. His parents were the opposite: heartless and unhelpful. His folks didn't even seem all that sad over their only daughter's death, and while sure they shed a few tears, Sebastian was convinced they were grieving the daughter they wished they'd had more than who she'd actually been – a tattooed, piercing-wearing punk with an amazing personality and a beautiful daughter. His parents had essentially disowned him too after he'd not only been helping his 'sinner' of a sister and her illegitimate child, but also after they'd realized he was a very openly out gay man. They couldn't deal with that kind of shame.
So Blaine helped with all of the things his parents should've been helping with. Kurt's parents were practically Blaine's in-laws, and Sebastian learned – only after the time came for the funeral arrangements – that they had already buried a child. They kindly offered Blaine advice which he then passed along to Sebastian. Blaine took a few days off school in order to help with everything, and Sebastian had truly needed it. He'd been feeling oddly numb each day of the funeral planning and especially on that morning. He felt hollow. He felt like life had stopped, and nothing at all mattered. He would've probably been swallowed by the loneliness if Blaine hadn't been there. He may have never been able to focus enough on what he needed to do. But Blaine gave him space to write up an obituary and eulogy to honor Linda. Blaine and his boyfriend's parents did most of the actual funeral planning. Blaine even drove Sebastian and Matilda to the service.
The service was surprisingly intimate – but somewhere in the back of Sebastian's mind it registered to him just how beautiful it was, in a way. He'd never thought of funerals as anything other than morose. But there was something lovely about the words said, about the way the officiant focused on how she'd live on in Matilda, about how all of the people who did love Linda were there. He still felt detached from everything, like that song about how the "World Spins Madly On", where he was standing there, watching life pass by. But even if he didn't feel it emotionally, intellectually he appreciated the funeral. And he appreciated just how much Blaine was to thank for it being as nice as it was.
Sebastian was struck by the sudden realization of just how much Blaine meant to him when he was watching his sister's casket be lowered into the ground. When the casket began to descend into what felt like an abyss – into the surprisingly large hole in the ground – her death finally hit him. The odd numbness evaporated, completely. All at once he really understood that he'd never see her face again – would never see her again. That she was truly gone. Sebastian began crying in public, which he knew was acceptable at a funeral, even if he'd never been the sensitive gay man. He prided himself on not being a weepy flamboyant gay. But at the funeral that day he was truly sobbing. His sorry excuse for parents, on the other hand, had barely shed any tears at all. Sebastian didn't spend more than a second thinking of what their opinion on his public display of emotion might be. He didn't give a shit about what anyone else might think.
Well, that wasn't entirely true. He did care, tremendously, about what his niece might think. He didn't want her to be frightened or made more upset by his reaction. Which is why, at that moment, Sebastian finally grasped just how immensely thankful he was that Blaine was right there. Blaine was holding Matilda in his arms, shielding her from her uncle's tears, doing what her grandparents didn't even have the decency to offer to do. Blaine was allowing Sebastian the space he needed to grieve without worrying about the fact that she came first.
She did come first, though, and would for at least the next fifteen years. Only days after that first devastating appointment with the oncologist, Linda had talked about it with Sebastian. After she had filled out the paperwork, he'd signed his name so that in the event of Linda's death he automatically would become the girl's legal guardian. And now he was. He was still in school, but now he had to juggle being a college senior, being a parent, and his first experience with gut-wrenching grief.
Sebastian lost all of his fuck-buddies before long. Sebastian always had lived his life being brutally honest, but somehow that honesty had taken a cruel turn while he grieved his sister. Between the guys not wanting to put up with those harsh comments, and them being annoyed by how he was always too busy for last-second booty calls because of a little girl who now was solely under his care, they all slowly moved on to other, more exciting sexual conquests.
He lost Blaine as a fuck-buddy too, but only because Blaine had transformed into so much more. Blaine was still living with Kurt in Columbus, stuck hours away during the week as he tried to finish his own senior year, but every weekend, without fail Blaine came by to help Sebastian with Matilda, giving him a chance to get most of his assignments finished. Blaine also helped remotely in various ways. He was amazing at researching Cincinnati preschools and easy-to-cook recipes that were appropriate for small children. Sebastian wasn't sure how or when it happened, but Blaine was truly a partner to Sebastian now. Matilda loved Blaine so much, even if he was just 'Uncle Baschy's friend' to her, and Sebastian never took him for granted. He felt sure he would've been lost if not for Blaine's help.
Sebastian sometimes couldn't believe that all of the other 21-year-olds around him were celebrating with roommates that they were of legal age to drink. He'd been just like them, when he'd turned twenty-one his junior year; but that had been when Linda was alive. His entire world had flipped upside down since then, and sometimes it felt like a lifetime ago. Lately, he was constantly overwhelmed with what his life had become, so he'd forgotten to plan any sort of celebration when Blaine's big day came around. Blaine, however, understood and was beyond forgiving.
"Hey, don't worry about it at all," he said. "Kurt baked me a cake, and got me these amazing shoes you see on my feet on a major discount sale, and my parents took me out to dinner where I ordered alcohol legally for the first time. It was a great day."
Sebastian was glad that Blaine didn't rely on him for those kinds of things – that he had Kurt too.
"You know what, though? I've been thinking. You haven't had a night out in ages, have you?" Blaine asked.
They were sitting on the couch, Matilda tucked in bed for the night, casually sipping some decaffeinated coffee together, as had become one of their Friday night habits.
"I guess not," Sebastian replied with a shrug.
"How about tomorrow night, you hit the bar, get drunk, hook up with a hot guy, and allow yourself to be 21-years-old again, just for one night." Blaine smiled.
Sebastian appreciated the sentiment. His life had seemed to have skipped a whole decade in the blink of an eye and he was kind of missing out on his twenties. He was also starting to maybe, finally, feel ready to really enjoy himself for the first time since Linda's death.
"That sounds pretty fun. But…" Sebastian hesitated.
"But what?" Blaine asked.
"But I'd kind of rather get a baby-sitter and then have wild, kinky sex with you," Sebastian admitted. He was ready to feel fully alive again. "We could go back to that hotel where we... you know," he said with a wink. He was sure Blaine would remember what he was talking about. "We could scream as loud as we wanted and the only people that would hear us would be random strangers."
Blaine chuckled and blushed at the same time. Then his face turned more serious. "Are you sure you'd prefer that? I mean I still have Kurt, at least. You told me when we first saw each other in that museum that you weren't a monogamous kind of guy, and lately-"
"Lately I've been acting like I'm a stay-at-home mom and you're my husband?" Sebastian said it with a lot of irony in his tone. "Yeah, I know. I guess… a lot has changed since then," he said solemnly, glancing over toward Matilda's bedroom. "And right now? I'm surprisingly okay with dating a poly guy monogamously, if that makes any sense."
Blaine reached across the couch to place his hand on Sebastian's knee. "It does."
When Blaine had first informed Sebastian that Kurt was asexual, Sebastian hadn't needed much of an explanation. The idea of asexuality made a lot of sense to him, since he had always been a bit hypersexual compared to his peers. He could imagine a spectrum of wanting to have sex all-the-time to never, and him and that Kurt kid being on opposite ends of it.
He'd also found the idea of romantic orientations really fascinating. Because the truth was, Blaine was pretty obviously in love. With two guys. But Sebastian? He really loved sex. He loved Matilda. He appreciated everything Blaine did for him, in his practical day-to-day life and also, of course, in the bedroom. But there was a part of him that thought maybe, just maybe, he was closer to aromantic than those sensitive gay men like Blaine. Maybe he fell on the aro-spectrum. Maybe it didn't matter whether he did or not, especially when he had more pressing concerns on his mind, like how much time before his set graduation date was too early to start applying for a job at the Cincinnati Art Museum, or did they have enough cereal left in the house for Matilda's breakfast the next morning.
Everything grew easier with time. Sebastian and Blaine fell into a routine. Matilda got used to her new life too. Raising his niece had certainly forced Sebastian to grow up way faster than he'd ever imagined he would. It also forced his adult life to look very different than he'd ever expected it would – the truth was, Sebastian hadn't actually thought he'd ever want kids. But now, every time Sebastian thought about how Matilda was being raised by a gay uncle dating a poly bi man who in turn was also committed to an asexual man, he smiled. He was thrilled at the thought that his niece would grow up so enlightened. She would never have any boring stories to tell at school. He'd always wished he could've had that kind of unique childhood.