*** Enjoy! I OWN NOTHING – except Hannah and Alex ***
Steve didn't come upstairs. Hannah had a moment of profound gratitude for Clint, for his standing up for her, and thought that Steve would look contrite and come back upstairs and somehow everything would be perfect (though, her definition of perfect at the moment was fuzzy and undefined). Instead, Steve had stared at the house after Clint went inside. For a few long minutes he glared at the porch and Hannah nearly bit through her lip watching him.
Finally, without any preamble or surprise, Steve looked up at the window she was peering out of, meeting her eyes directly. She felt pinned to the spot with the realization that he'd known she was there the entire time. "Hannah," he said quietly, but firmly, "Come here please." She recognized the order in his tone and realized that this wasn't Steve Rogers talking, but Captain Steven Rogers, aka Captain America. It strangely chilled her to hear the formality in his tone.
Hannah turned from the window without a word or a nod. She couldn't muster either for him at the moment. She moved towards the bed and gently moved Alex from there into his crib, pausing to stare down at his sleeping face. A few days ago, everything was normal and you were safe, she thought nostalgically, reaching a hand toward him and brushing the backs of her fingertips along Alex's chubby little cheek.
Turning from the playpen, she ran her fingers roughly through her half-dried, mussed-up strands of hair and then bit her lip as she straightened the t-shirt she was wearing, aware that it was slightly more snug than she would normally wear; Laura was a tiny woman and these were her clothes. Having stalled all she could, Hannah left the room quietly and slipped down the stairs. She turned the corner into the living room and banged straight into Clint. He grabbed her shoulders gently to keep her from pitching backwards, and raised his eyebrows at her.
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, he's not goin' anywhere," he comforted her and Hannah managed a weird, twisted half-smile before stepping away from Clint and heading to the kitchen, where Laura was chopping up vegetables.
"Can you –" Hannah began, her voice sounding dry and scratchy. Laura didn't look over, only nodded as she kept chopping, and cut Hannah's words off kindly. "I'll listen for him, but I bet he sleeps all afternoon," Laura told her. Hannah breathed and moved as quickly as she could towards the back door, stepping out onto the shaded porch in her bare feet. The rough wood was warm under her toes, and she rolled her shoulders when she breathed in the hay-scented air.
Steve was nowhere in sight, but she could hear a strangely rhythmic noise coming from the other side of the house: grunt, whoosh, chunk, grunt, whoosh chunk. She knew it had to be him, but couldn't figure out if he was fighting off bad guys or wrangling a bull or tearing a car in half. Bare feet slipping comfortably through the grass, Hannah made her way around Clint's home, to find Steve chopping logs with a vengeance. She stopped short when she saw him and tucked her hands into her pockets, not sure how to begin. Carefully, begin carefully, you're both right and you're both wrong.
"You can't be angry with me," she said loudly, feeling her face heat with how terrible of an opener that statement was. Steve paused mid-swing and looked over at her, his face remaining flat, but one eyebrow raising. "You can't," she repeated stupidly, "I did everything for him. It was never about you, or me, it was always Alex." She pulled her hands out of her pockets and took a couple of steps towards him, and Steve dropped the axe he'd been using to the ground.
"I had a right to know," he told her, his voice not giving an inch.
"And I was right to worry about what would happen if people found out about him!" She yelled at him suddenly, her eyebrows slamming together in a furious scowl, "Clint tried to warn me, before I knew I was pregnant, it's why we broke up, and you know it! I was afraid of SHIELD, nervous about their power! Worried for myself and whatever life we might have! And look!" She spread her arms wide out to the side, "Look where I am! They came for us Steve, they came to take him, to kill me in front of him and take him, to test him, to find out how much of you was in him!"
Steve's face was stricken, and Hannah was panting with emotion at this point. She took another clumsy step towards him, feeling the weight of the past few days pressing down on her shoulders. "They had a gun pressed to my head, and were about to kill me, while Alex watched, because I didn't know where you were, and was therefore useless," she cried passionately, "You can't imagine Steve, you can't, you don't know what that was like, you couldn't!"
Steve turned away from her for a moment, his face working as if he was trying to form words, and Hannah was suddenly really angry at him. "Turn. Around," she told him, in a soft, fierce voice. Steve slowly turned towards her and they stared at each other carefully for a long moment. He nodded at her and she closed her eyes and took a couple deep breaths, to calm herself down.
"If James hadn't shown up just then, I would be dead, and they'd have Alex," she murmured, her eyes still closed, "He saved us both Steve, but none of this would have happened – " her words were cut off when Steve grabbed her shoulders suddenly, making her squeak in surprise and pain.
"James?" He spoke loudly, urgently, "James who? Who?!" Hannah's wide eyes met his own frantic ones and she blinked at him a few times before wincing at the grip. "Steve you're hurting me," she said quietly and he let her go immediately.
"Hannah, I'm sorry, oh god, your poor arms –" Steve began to babble and Hannah could feel too many topics and emotions stacking on top of one another, confusing the original intent of this conversation. She put a hand on his arm for a brief moment.
"Steve, shut up," she spoke calmly and he stared at her for a moment, before his lips turned up in a brief smile. "Let's go sit," he said, gesturing towards a small porch swing that Clint had set up in the yard to face the fields, clearly to better view the setting sun each day. Hannah sat carefully and Steve followed suit. He was too big, taking up too much room, and it made her uncomfortable, so she climbed to her feet almost immediately. He moved as if to stand as well and she waved her hand at him.
"You're distracting me, just sit there," she spoke, trying to keep irritation from her voice – with all the seriousness right now, she was irritated with herself for still finding Steve physically distracting to the point of driving a lot of coherence from her mind. He nodded at her, crossing his arms (distractingly) across his chest.
"You know exactly which James I'm talking about," she said flatly, "And before you ask any more questions, let me just say a few things: No, I don't know where he is right now. No, he didn't hurt us. No, I don't know if he needs help. And finally, yes, he saved me and Alex because of you, for you." Hannah felt terrible at the sight of the emotions streaking across Steve's face; heartbreaking hope, sadness, guilt, and worry. "Alright," he finally said quietly, processing the information, "Thank you for telling me."
"You're welcome," she answered. They were both quiet for a moment. "Are you ready to listen and believe my intentions now?" She finally asked him, and he looked up at her, meeting her eyes for a long few seconds. "Yes," he said quietly, "Tell me everything."
Hannah took a deep breath and nodded at Steve before starting at the beginning, the very beginning, telling him about the day she suspected she might be pregnant, to the day she knew, to the days in between while her panic and her stomach swelled bigger and bigger, to the day it all became worth it, when Alex was put in her arms for the first time.
She talked to Steve about not naming a father on the birth certificate, and how Alex was the healthiest baby any doctor had ever seen, never getting sick once, no rashes, no fevers, only fussing when his teeth began to break in. She talked to him about the day Alex walked, the day he talked, and his love for their cat. Steve sat in rapt attention the entire time, as Hannah talked and paced, gesturing with her hands, using them to help tell the story.
He only looked upset when she began to talk about the day SHIELD fell. His glare grew as she spoke about the cops, and how James had jumped rooftops with her and Alex to get them away. She talked about James behavior briefly, hoping she was painting an accurate enough picture for him. He seemed to understand that James was an ally, just unbalanced, unsure, without his full mind at his disposal.
When she told him about the man in the bathroom, she lost her voice for a moment, swallowing hard, and one hand going to her throat as she remembered. "Alex was screaming, and I couldn't get the guy off, and it hurt so badly," she managed, and she turned away from him for a moment, counting to ten, to regain her composure. Steve got to his feet behind her and stepped towards her, and placed his hand on her back, between her shoulder blades.
"So I stabbed him in the throat with a chunk of glass," she finished, and she could feel Steve's hand twitch on her back, "He died and we ran." She turned around, stepping away from his hand, and was surprised to see stark admiration on his face. "Alex seems ok now though, so I guess he didn't know what he was seeing," she explained, and Steve nodded, and then shook his head a little bit.
"You're a lot tougher than you look," he said plainly, and she pressed her lips together and shrugged. "Steve, I'd kill anyone to keep him safe," she replied flatly, "I'd take on anyone I had to." Steve nodded and she waved her hand back at the house. "We got to a safe location, and Clint and your friend Sam came and got us, and then brought us here," she was done then, having been talking for nearly an hour straight, and felt a lot of the energy flood out of her. Steve stood before her and said nothing and she wondered briefly what happened next, crazy thoughts of custody moving through her mind momentarily.
"I would do anything to change what happened to you," he told her, his tone heavy with feeling. She met his eyes then and nodded. "I know," she replied, "But do you get it now? This was exactly what I was afraid of, this is why I said nothing." Steve swallowed and then clenched his jaw, she could see the muscles ticking in his face. She braced herself for a moment, prepared for an onslaught.
"I don't like it," Steve told her, "But I understand."
"You do?" She asked incredulously, squinting her eyes at him skeptically. He nodded. "I do," he assured her. Hannah nearly swooned to the ground in utter relief. She staggered away from him and sat on the swing, and after a moment he joined her, sitting next to her, but keeping as much space between them as the small seat afforded. "Now what?" She asked him, her mind completely unable to think past this exact moment. Steve shrugged, the movement making the swing sway slightly.
"We need to find somewhere permanent for you guys to go, somewhere safe," he told her kindly. She nodded and then leaned towards him, resting her head on his shoulder. There was no ulterior motive in the gesture, she just needed the comforting contact. He patted her knee twice before resting his hand on it, and they stayed that way for several long minutes.
"You haven't changed at all, except for better hair," she broke the silence quietly, and felt his shoulder move with his quiet laughter. "Neither have you," he replied, and she laughed shortly, a disbelieving chortle. "Oh Steve, you're still polite to the core," she told him drily, sitting up as she did. He turned to her, his eyes moving from the top of her messy blonde hair, down to her chin, before moving back to her eyes. He looked intently at her, a wide range of almost nameless emotions on his face.
"Hannah, you're just as beaut-" he began to speak in a softer, emphatic tone, but was cut-off by the sound of Alex's laughter, which was loud and squealing in happiness. Aware that she was definitely spoiling whatever moment they were having (and somewhat relieved to be doing so), Hannah hopped to her feet and walked around the swing to see Alex lumbering unsteadily through the grass from where Laura stood at the bottom of the porch stairs. Laura waved.
"He woke up and was asking for you," Laura called out, and then turned on her heel and went inside, very obviously leaving Alex with the two of them on purpose. Hannah dropped to her knees and held her arms out to Alex, a grin splitting her face at the smile on Alex's happy little face.
"Come here buddy!" She cried, waggling her fingers at him. He laughed again, the pleasant lilting noise filling the air, and he careened into her arms. Hannah pulled him into her arms and kissed his ear and neck and hair, making him laugh a little harder. She got to her feet, Alex still in her arms, and turned to Steve standing uncertainly next to the swing, watching them. Alex stopped laughing and was calmly and curiously regarding Steve, as if trying to place Steve's face in the repertoire of faces he knew.
She walked towards Steve and stopped in front of him. Alex craned his neck to look up at Steve and Hannah was about to introduce Alex, but realized she didn't know how. "Um," she began, "I don't know what to call you." Steve's head whipped to hers, concern on his face followed by mild panic.
"Oh, uh, I guess, well, would it be confusing if you went with Dad? Would he get that? Are you ok with that? Is that too much? Steve is ok, too, maybe later if he gets to know me…" Steve's flustered appearance and unsure words put Hannah at ease and she laughed, which made Alex laugh.
Steve laughed then as well and put his hand out towards Alex, "Hi Alex," he said gently, and laughed again when Alex didn't shake his hand, but instead gave him a high-five, a new trick Hannah knew the Bartons must have taught him. Her son turned to her and gave her a curious look. "Kitty, mama?" He asked, and she smiled sadly. "No sweetie, this is Steve, my friend, and your daddy," she explained, although she knew he didn't understand. Alex pursed his lips and glared at her before turning to Steve and demanding, "Kitty."
Steve looked at her in panic for a moment. "Um, your cat is at home," he answered his son, talking normally, obviously completely unfamiliar with baby talk. "Kitty?" Alex asked again and Steve nodded at him. "I will find kitty and I'll bring him back to you," Steve vowed solemnly. Alex laugh and reached out for another high-five, which Steve returned lightly. Hannah saw an opportunity and pounced on it, pushing Alex towards Steve then, forcing him to hold the baby. Alex was in a good mood, so she knew he wouldn't fuss. She was also beginning to suspect that Steve might need to be forced into actual real contact with the boy, so this worked brilliantly.
"I need to use the washroom, I'll be right back, keep him out here, he loves it here," she urged him. Steve looked stricken with complete and utter terror, Alex sitting awkwardly in his arms. Her son seemed completely unfazed and began to pull at the small wing-shaped badge on the side of Steve's t-shirt, finally managing to get it to his mouth so he could chew on it. Hannah smiled at Steve. "He's fine, I'll be right back," she told him, moving towards the house as quickly as she could. Steve opened his mouth in alarm, to yell something at her, but glanced down at Alex and thought better of yelling, she could tell. She made it inside quickly and then immediately went to a front window and crouched there, to watch him.
"Is he with Alex?" She heard Clint speak behind her and nodded. "Shhh, he might hear you," she warned him. Clint moved to the other window and leaned against the wall, peeking out between the curtains. Steve finally sat in the grass and Alex sat contentedly on his lap, pulling viciously at the badge on the sleeve again. She could see Steve talking and wondered what he was saying. Alex let out a delighted shriek when Steve handed him his wallet, and immediately began to pull everything out of it.
This led to Steve putting Alex on the ground and chasing after the paper that was blowing away. Hannah thought she had never heard Alex laugh so hard and her own grin threatened to crack her face open. When Steve had collected all the bits, she realized he was enjoying himself, laughing with Alex. Clint laughed and drifted away after a moment, and Hannah just kept watching.
After about 20 minutes, she realized that Alex was calling Steve 'kitty', but that Steve seemed to be alright with it. Eventually, they came inside and Hannah smirked at Steve when he found her at the window. "I figured as much," he told her wryly.
"You needed a push," she told him. He put his nose to the top of Alex's head for a moment, before putting him down and watching him chase the Barton kids. A deep sense of contentment seemed to settle over them both then, and it carried on the entire evening.
That night, after a relatively relaxed dinner with everyone, Hannah and Steve lay on opposite sides of her bed, Alex sleeping in between them, and she felt more peace in that moment than she had in a very long time.
"What happens now, Kitty?" She asked him, a teasing tone in her voice. Alex clearly identified Steve as 'Kitty' now, calling him that and only that all night long. Steve laughed quietly and lightly shoved her hip with the back of one hand. "Haha," he murmured. It was quiet for a moment, and then he spoke again. "You can't stay here, and you can't home," he told her gently, and she sighed sadly, nodding, because she knew he was right.
"I don't want to lose you guys again, but I can't disappear either, I have obligations too," he told her awkwardly, obviously not comfortable with saying something like that, but feeling duty-bound to do so. "I get it Steve," she said softly, "We'll figure it out – you can't disappear completely now - you've met him, and that wouldn't be right." He grunted in acknowledgement and Hannah rested her head against her pillow, feeling tired now.
Steve's hand was heavy on her shoulder when he rubbed it there comfortingly. "Hannah, go to sleep, we'll figure it out in the morning, I'm not going away, I'm not losing you guys – we'll work it out," Steve reassured her. And she believed him.