Disclaimer: I still own nothing. JK is the one that created these beautiful characters; I just like to assume the title of "puppet master" every once in a while!

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Between the Lines of Fear and Blame-chapter 2

Draco

Some nights, Draco would sit up at night and wonder what exactly it was that Harry saw in him, what made him want to stay with him. Why he was always saying that he could never hate Draco no matter what he said or did and was forever telling Draco how much he loved him.

He remembered once asking Harry what it was that he loved about him. He recalled how Harry had given him that grin that he always saved just for him, before chuckling slightly and pulling Draco's body closer to his own as they lay together on the couch.

Then as he tried to brush it off and tell him that it wasn't important, Harry realized that he was serious and really wanted to know.

Harry told him that he loved him because he couldn't quite explain it. He loved how he was a hopeless romantic even though he didn't seem like one; he loved how he was clever and utterly brilliant; how Draco always used his hands in vague motions when he was trying to tell a story or explain something; he loved how he always had such a high awareness of his self-presentation; and he said he loved him because the sex was always incredible. He loved him because he was simply Draco.

Smiling, he turned and told Harry that he was such a sappy Gryffindor before leaning up to kiss him soundly on the lips.

Other times he wondered what would have happened if he had told Harry about the pregnancy when he had first discovered it. If he had been able to tell Harry that he would be able to have a family of his own the first time.

The day that he went to Saint Mungo's to confirm his suspicions that he was pregnant, what if he had taken Harry with him? Countless times he had imagined how he and Harry would have had matching surprised faces when the nurse had told them the news and asked if they would like to have a follow up appointment in two weeks with a Medi-witch, and scheduled his first appointment with Madame Karen.

Then his mind always wandered to the follow-up appointment when Madam Karen had told him that the baby was gone. How he cried when he saw the empty picture on the ultrasound screen when Mme Karen screened for the baby after all of her spells yielded no results and how he still didn't want to believe it. How Madame Karen was able to surmise why he had lost the baby and he cried for the next twenty minutes on her shoulder.

"You're body is just not strong enough to carry a baby to full term at this time, and it also seems to be under excessive stress." What was he supposed to say to something like that? "Yes, I know, but my boyfriend is undergoing the ministry's hardest and most dangerous training sessions right now and he's off to find any remaining Death Eaters and doesn't even know when he'll be back home". True, but he just couldn't make it seem that all the blame could fall on Harry like that, when it was his body, his fault, his inability that had killed their child.

When he told her not to tell Harry about this, that he would do it; that he could tell him.

She informed him that miscarriages very early in pregnancy were really quite common, and could have even been caused by a genetic problem with the embryo; this didn't help to make him feel any better. Then he couldn't help but wonder if this really was his and Harry's first pregnancy. He hadn't even realized that he had lost the baby. Was it possible that it had happened to him before, completely going under his radar? Was it possible that this wasn't the first of his and Harry's children whose lives he had inadvertently ended?

The thought made him almost physically sick.

Madame Karen had told him that just because this first pregnancy had ended in disaster before he could really adjust to the idea of him and Harry being parents, that it didn't mean that he wouldn't be able to conceive and carry a baby later on.

Draco remembered how much he wanted to believe her.

Although he had wanted to be honest with Harry and tell him, he felt that he couldn't. He had heard the stories about couples that had miscarried a child and how their relationships became strained and almost always ended in disaster because of their loss; always faded away a bit. It wasn't that he didn't have faith in their relationship; there was just too much at risk.

Thinking back, Draco realized that that's what happened to him and Harry anyway. He hadn't meant to shut Harry out and not tell him how he was feeling; keeping everything to himself, even though he knew that it left Harry feeling hopeless.

But he didn't think that he could help it; as hard as it was for him to admit it, he was scared. Terrified of Harry leaving him if he told him and fearful of falling pregnant again and miscarrying another baby.

Though Madame Karen said that this miscarriage wasn't his fault and there was nothing that he did and nothing that he could have done to prevent it, Draco still blamed himself. Who or what else could it have been?

Even now, a year later, he still refused to put the blame on anyone, or anything, but himself.

If only he took better care of himself. If only he would have taken it easy. If only he didn't worry about Harry so much.

If only he had not been so much of a coward and told Harry.

There were so many "if only's" that they made Draco's head spin with all of the things that he could have/ should have/ wished he would have done differently.

Then followed the days of guilt. The days of feeling as though he was a failure, a liar, a weakling for not being able to do the one thing that he'd always wanted to do for Harry. Someone who didn't deserve him.

When Harry returned home from his mission four days later, filthy, exhausted, and glad to be back home, Draco felt that he could scarcely look at him, touch him, hug him, kiss him because he knew in his heart that he wouldn't tell Harry about their loss, and knew that Harry didn't deserve that, and Draco didn't deserve him.

In the days that followed, Draco didn't intend to push Harry away, to lie to him when he asked if anything was wrong, to stop eating and leave a non-existent appetite unfulfilled.

Every day for that long year he mourned for the life that hadn't really began before it was extinguished. Every time that he and Harry made love to each other, he always hoped that that time would be the time they would get another chance and conceive another child together.

When Draco discovered that he was pregnant with his and Harry's second child, it was the most wanted and unwanted thing that he felt could ever happen. Draco was thrilled at the thought of getting another chance to have a child with Harry, but terrified that he would not be able to carry this baby as well and miscarry again.

This time though, he decided to tell Harry. He knew that if this pregnancy were to end as disastrously as the last one, he couldn't go through it alone again. Besides, Harry deserved to know that he was going to be a father; he'd be happy.

He had never been so nervous in his life as he was the night that he decided to tell Harry that he was pregnant. Though he knew that Harry always wanted to have a family of his own, he never had exactly told him that such a thing as them being able to have a child of their own was possible in the wizarding world. As Harry was raised by those god-awful muggles, and wasn't introduced into the wizarding world until he was 11, there were still many things that he was yet to learn that wizards were capable of. Draco was sure that this would be another one of those things.

The look on Harry's face when he had told him was utterly priceless and he was enthralled that he was the one that put it there. He couldn't recall ever seeing anyone so excited, so thrilled, so damn happy, at hearing such a simple statement before.

That look made telling Harry worth it.

Though the only downside to telling Harry about the baby, if you could really call it a downside, was that he watched Draco even more closely than he had before.

Before when Harry had given him his space and, well not exactly bought his excuses but he would leave him be, now Harry no longer seemed to take 'no' for an answer.

Any excuse that he made would be answered with a glare or a lecture about thinking about the baby or he would ask him what was bothering him or give him a knowing look and ask him what he was keeping from him.

Everytime that Harry wanted to go out and buy things for the baby and Draco told him that he wanted to wait, he would receive that look. But, at least he knew that he wasn't just making excuses; Draco honestly wanted to wait until he was a bit further along in the pregnancy. Whenever Harry would ask him if he was ready to buy things, Draco's feelings would conflict with each other. One side of him couldn't wait to go out and search for all of the things that he and Harry would need to buy for their baby; but on the other hand, he would always wonder if he would lose this baby as well. How much harder would it be to have to look at a completed nursery for a baby that would never come?

After a few moments of though, he always decided that it would be a lot easier, and a lot less painless, just to wait.

Slytherins, especially this one in particular, saved themselves the heartbreak of making the same mistake twice.

--

Most days Draco assumed that Harry thought that he couldn't hear the warnings; when they would have an appointment and Madame Karen and she would take Harry out in the hall and tell him about the dangerous road this pregnancy would take if Draco didn't take better care of himself; all of the pleas from Harry and the not-so-very cleverly disguised bribes; the sudden influx of lunch invitations from Hermione and sometimes even, Merlin help him, Ron.

It seemed that his life was becoming a constant stream of warnings, lectures, pleas, and other's desperation.

He'd heard all of their warnings and pleas and been dragged along on more dinner-dates and luncheons than he could count.

But Merlin, the just didn't understand.

Everytime they told him to think of the baby, he could only remember that empty ultrasound screen from all those months ago. Everytime Harry wanted to go out to buy things to prepare for the birth or their child, Draco thought about the Slytherin green baby blanket that he had bought the year before and hidden away in an old shoe box at the top of their closet.

He didn't want to make this real. From experience he had learned that getting your hopes up often did nothing but set yourself up for disaster; and when he was burned by the fires last time, he decided that it would be best to avoid them next time.

And try he did.

Then times would come when he just couldn't ignore the fact that he was pregnant.

The day he had secluded himself in his potions lab all those weeks ago and made the male-pregnancy test until he ran out of the proper ingredients. As he looked at nearly 30 bright blue vials and was reduced to sobs; whether from happiness or grief, he didn't know. All he knew were the salty tears running down his face.

How Harry would catch him around the waist when he walked past him and proceed to snog him, his left hand splayed across Draco's belly and his right moving to tangle up in his hair. That's when it felt real.

When he was too tired to get out of bed in the mornings and felt so nauseated he didn't want to move; that's when it felt real.

When he would rest his hands on his own belly and be able to feel the magic within him that was protecting and supporting their child.

When he felt the actual magic that was sustaining the baby disintegrating and shocking his system at the sudden change; pain that was unlike any other that he had experienced that could only be compared to that Cruciatus, one that he knew he hadn't felt with the loss of their first child; that's when it felt real.

When he woke up in a hospital room to see Harry sitting in the chair at his bedside, crying; crying because of him and his carelessness and how badly he had fucked this situation up. That's when it felt real.

They never spoke of what could have happened if Harry had never thought to ask Hermione and the Weasel to come over that day to keep him company till Harry was able to leave the minister's presence and come home. Though Draco was sure that not just himself, but Harry as well and possibly even Ron and Hermione, had been thinking about how much more devastating that night could have been, had he been alone.

But then, what about Harry? What would have happened had Harry not been in the minister's company that night and had been home?

Though they had never had to cross such a bridge before, Draco was sure that Harry would have completely and utterly panicked.

He recalled once when he had cut himself with a kitchen knife a while back and Harry freaked; he ran around the kitchen opening up every draw in a panic because he couldn't find something called "Bandages": forgetting all about simple healing spells and the fact that they didn't even own these "bandage" things.

Whenever the doctors and nurses attending him would pass through his room, they would send him such a look to let him know that it was his entire fault and exactly what they thought of him.

Back to his first night at the hospital when the nurse had made him choke down four different potions after Harry left and he ended up vomiting them back up all over his front and the sheets covering his lap. Was it just his imagination or did she look back at him with a "serves you right" glint in her eyes as she cleared away the mess with a wave of her wand and made him take the potions again?

But possibly he could have just been imagining things.

And then Harry just couldn't fucking hate him. Even after this last year that he knew must have been absolute hell for Harry, just as much as it was hell for him.

Yet, Harry was always forgiving him and telling him that he could never hate him and how much he loved him. But Draco always wondered what the hell Harry had to feel sorry about. What was he always blaming himself for? Did Harry blame himself for the reasons that Draco couldn't talk to him about the miscarriage?

At times Draco could see in his eyes that Harry wished that he would share everything with him, as Harry had always tried to do.

And after a few days, he did.

And when he finally told Harry about the miscarriage and he begged him to never leave him. He didn't even remember thinking it; it just slipped out.

He could still picture the look on Harry's face as he leaned down to kiss him and

promised him that he would come back before he turned and left.

As the door clicked shut, tears began streaming down Draco's face as the consequences of his actions finally caught up with him and he thought of all the other ways that they could come to affect him, Harry, and their relationship in the future.

Harry never had told him where he went or what he did while he was gone for all those hours. But he did come back. He did come back. a

They never talked about it, they never mentioned it; it was as if Harry had never up and disappeared for a few agonizingly long hours one day.

---

Being released from St. Nicholas' and being put on bed rest for a minimum of 25 days was absolute torture in the beginning.

First and foremost were, of course, the potions.

During his stay at the hospital they had him choking down at least five different foul tasting potions, and unfortunately he had to continue religiously taking three of them after discharge.

A nutrient potion that was supposed to help with his malnutrition, an anti-depressant potion, and of course a potion that he had to take to ensure the baby's health. He didn't care what they called them or what they all were meant to help; they all still tasted like liking the bottom of someone's boot after a nice long trek through the Forbidden Forest.

Honestly. Did they not know about basic variations to the recipes to counteract these things?

But that was only part of the torture that he had to endure as a part of his St. Nicholas' PPP (Personal Patient Plan).

Having to take those awful tasting potions 'x' many times a day, having to stick to a strict diet that Harry wouldn't let him deviate from in the slightest, having to see Mme Karen at least two to three times a week so that him and the baby could be poked and prodded and inspected from every medical angle possible.

He might as well have stayed at the hospital if he was going to endure this sort of treatment day in and day out. Though, it was a lot more comfortable being in your own home, in your own room, in your own bed.

About a week and a half into these four weeks of hell, Harry helped by coming home after work one day and surprising him with something that made his days a lot more bearable.

His best and oldest friend, Blaise Zabini.

How Harry ever found the bloke was beyond Draco as a few months after the war ended two years ago, Blaise had decided to "go out and find himself" by traveling around the world. Draco was sure that all the 'finding' that he did was a long string of summer flings, warm beds to have a quick romp in, and the 'best' clubs in the area, for whatever place he was in.

That first night they'd stayed up till nearly one the next morning trying to catch up on all that had happened in their lives since Blaise left, only to have the party broken up by Harry whom insisted that Draco had to get some sleep and showed Blaise the guest bedroom down the hall.

At Harry's insistence Blaise stayed with them for the rest of Draco's bed rest.

It reached a point where he had to leave; contrary to popular belief, Blaise was a busy man. He had to see to the flat the he and Draco used to share together, attend social/business functions, and various other "business" affairs-but it seemed he saw Draco at least once a day. Whether it was a few minutes, or the guest room overnight, Blaise stayed with him, and Draco was grateful.

---

In the past couple of weeks since he'd been released from the hospital, he had ordered every baby catalogue, male pregnancy and parenting book that he could get his hands on, desperate to read up on and prepare himself for everything that would happen in the very near future.

Growing up, he and Harry had never had much experience with babies, and it wasn't a topic that could have been covered anywhere in their schooling at Hogwarts.

Soon after they began to read up on what to expect, he and Harry learned that neither of them knew the first thing about babies or the fine mechanics that were incorporated in a wizarding pregnancy.

Another accompaniment of pregnancy that Draco found that he and Harry had not prepared for soon made itself known by a slight tightening around the waistband, but soon progressed so that it was nearly impossible to wear any of his own pants that he before had not had the slightest difficulties with wearing.

And as his magic seemed to be coming and going as it very well pleased, yet another wonderful characteristic of male pregnancy, he found himself unable to simply perform a charm to stretch the waistband of his troublesome apparel- or, on alternate days, shredding them in an instant with his overactive magic in a fury.

He was reluctant to go to Harry, or any one else for that matter, for help because he couldn't fathom the embarrassment that he was sure he would feel in asking someone else to stretch his pants for him, or to have them accompany him so he could go and buy some that could actually fit.

In order to rectify this, he had taken to just wearing his pajama bottoms around the house all day and, better yet, wearing Harry's old jeans.

Ah yes, the perks of being the more diminutive party in a relationship.

----

Even as the pregnancy stabilized and progressed over the weeks while Draco was on bed rest, 'doctor's orders' said that he still had to have more frequent appointments with Mme. Karen.

Now, instead of seeing the Medi-witch once every three weeks or so, he was seeing her a minimum of once a week, every Thursday actually, so that she would be able to keep a closer eye on Draco and the baby's progress.

The other week Madame Karen had even let them see the first ultrasound of their baby. Or rather, the first ultrasound so that he and Harry could see their baby instead of just the Medi-witch making sure that all was still progressing as it should.

Seeing the moving lines on the screen that showed the outlines of their child made the pregnancy seem even more real, and brought tears to his and Harry's eyes. This was what he and Harry would be protecting, loving, caring for, raising. Draco had never quite believed in 'love at first sight' but he seeing his baby he did now.

Then when Madame Karen asked if they wanted to know the gender of their baby, Draco didn't know what to say.

He looked up to Harry to see what he wanted, and he said that he was hoping that they would wait so that they would be surprised when the baby got there.

Draco didn't mind.

He was sure that they would have a boy, though; he could just feel it.

Then at the next appointment, the one two weeks ago, Madame Karen had explained to the two boys how the baby was almost to the stage where it would develop hearing and start responding to sounds from 'the outside world'.

She also told Draco that he would even be able to feel the baby moving within him at around this time as well. And, with some amount of concentration, Draco found that sometimes he could feel the slight feelings of "butterflies" in his belly that was their baby moving. When he got up first thing in the morning, or when he sat down, or after he had been lying down for a period of time he would feel the fluttering sensation.

He still had yet to tell Harry; for now he desired to keep it his own little secret.

Every night since that appointment, Draco had noted that Harry had begun talking to their baby after he believed that Draco himself was asleep.

Harry never talked about anything in particular, and it mostly tended to be on the boring side, but Draco still found himself lying in a pretend sleep for a while every night just to hear what Harry was going to say.

Some nights he would talk about work, and others he would talk about his adventures at Hogwarts, but most nights he would talk about his childhood, Draco, and their relationship over the years. He would tell how excited he was about becoming a father and how much he already loved this child and how much he planned on spoiling him.

It took all Draco had within him to not smile, or laugh, at Harry most nights. Sometimes though, he couldn't even manage that, and let out a grin or chocked laughter, but Harry was always too far gone in his own little world to notice.

After a few nights of this, Draco started noticing the little things that Harry did while talking to his belly.

How he would always first gently lay his hand on Draco's belly, as if hesitant to disturb Draco. Even through his closed eyelids, he could picture Harry's eyes flicking up every so often to see if he had bothered him.

How Harry would lay further down on the bed so that his face would be directly beside Draco's own belly; most of the time he would be leaning so close that Draco was able to feel Harry's breath ghosting over his skin, making him try his hardest to repress a shudder.

How every time Harry talked to the baby, he referred to himself as "Daddy" and Draco as "Papa".

Papa. He liked that.

Over the past few weeks, Draco had found himself wondering what he and Harry would call each other when they had entered fatherhood; and although he was technically the 'mother' in this, he still didn't believe that it would be appropriate to be called "mummy" as he was still a male, regardless.

He found that sometimes it was uncanny how Harry could always find the answer to a problem that he didn't even share with him.

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A/N: So that's Draco's chapter. I had tons more fun writing his than Harry's and I love how his chapter makes Harry's make more sense and the same for Harry's, if you think about it.

Please tell me what you think. I'll write their happy ending….eventually, maybe.