Note: Chapter six, polished.
The Bodyguard and the Client
Serene composure was one of Tomoe Mami's many virtues.
However, seeing her once kouhai in the lap of one Akemi Homura was almost too much for even Mami's restraint. Mami held a special fondness for the bashful woman—well, practically everyone did—and a surge of protectiveness made her tone cold and sharp.
"Good evening, Madoka-san, Akemi-san. May someone please explain this?"
Madoka immediately disentangled herself from a scowling Homura and rose to bow apologetically to her friend. "Mami-san! Thank goodness you are here. Please, have a seat next to Homura-chan," she gestured to the seat next to her frozen bodyguard, disappointed and relieved at the same time.
The blonde slowly approached, wary gaze never leaving Homura's alarmingly dead eyes.
"Um, Mami-san, Homura-chan, I have to go get Kyouko before we can, uh, start. Will you two be alright for a few minutes?" Madoka looked anxiously at both of them, hands twitching slightly at her sides.
Homura immediately nodded, desperately wanting to show her charge that she needn't be afraid, even if she did not exactly trust Tomoe Mami after two particular timelines.
They had just killed Oktavia and discovered the awful truth of magical girls and witches, though Homura had already tried to tell them of it before. Horrified, Mami lost her sanity and killed Kyouko—she was about to kill Homura – something shattered—a cry of anguish—an empty promise.
In another timeline: Madoka was sobbing, the rain was getting everywhere, and Mami held the cold remains of Miki Sayaka in her arms. Gently, she lowered the corpse onto the gravel. "Magical girls turn into witches. There is no other choice." Before she could react—Madoka collapsed on top of her dead best friend—blood, there shouldn't be blood—"Kaname-san! NO, you can't be dead!"—there was blood all over Miki's shirt, mixing with the rain—another gunshot—Mami lying broken, but not of suicide this time—
She grabbed her buckler and ran away again.
"Homura-chan! Snap out of it, please!" someone begged her. Her eyes refocused and her cold hands grasped desperately at the warm, alive hands of the only being keeping her grounded.
"There, there, Homura-chan. I'm here, I'm not dead," Madoka soothed her.
Once again, Homura realized her dearest friend was kneeling before her. Standing protectively beside Madoka was Mami, whose wary gaze had softened into something akin to pity. Homura looked away.
For a moment, the only sound in the room was the soft breathing of the three women.
It was an odd little scene, misleading: with Madoka kneeling before Homura and Mami standing beside her, it was almost as if Madoka were receiving some sort of blessing or permission from Homura, with Mami as witness.
Homura laughed at the mental image, but once she began, she realized that she could not stop laughing at the absurdity that was her life.
Frightened, Madoka drew back and scrambled to her feet.
When Kyouko cheerfully entered the study with a tray laden with food and the two maids following with similar trays behind her, she did not expect to see Mami slapping Homura, who seemed to be laughing her head off. "What the—!"
Caught off guard by Mami's sudden action, Homura ceased to laugh and Madoka clapped her hands over her mouth.
The room fell eerily silent until Madoka braved the tension.
"Oh dear, um, Kyouko-san, you can put the trays on the desk, and could you bring another chair, Mae-san? Mami-san, please sit down." Hands gesturing nervously as she spoke, Madoka tried to sound calm and in control, and though she failed everyone calmed down slightly for her sake and obeyed.
Homura remained tense in her chair, her hands clenching the fabric of her black slacks. Haunted eyes alternated between following Madoka's every movement and gazing blankly at the floor.
"Right. Everyone, I know this is all, um, uncomfortable and unusual, but please put aside your differences for a while so that we can fix this," Madoka beseeched them, looking specifically at Kyouko and Mami.
Mami nodded, a gentle expression on her face, while Kyouko shrugged and kept her mouth shut for Homura's sake.
A maid nervously brought the extra chair in and placed it on the other side of Homura, then quickly bowed and fled the room.
Oh dear, I'm going to have to apologize to Mae and the rest later, Madoka thought to herself.
She returned to her seat behind her desk, clearly indicating that she was in charge to Kyouko and Mami, though the latter knew better than to usurp a host's authority—it was simply bad manners to do so in the host's own home. Kyouko, however, had no such reservations; it was only her desire to help her long-time friend and the belief that Madoka was pityingly weak that kept her in check.
Weak, so weak—they were fighting again—why couldn't they stop fighting?—Miki-san and Sakura-san—no, it was Mami-san this time—always, someone arguing—she was crying behind a barrier—she would not allow her to contract!—
Weak, so weak they were—now you see me, now you don't—can you see me now?—you're hurting her, don't you see—if only things were different—happiness was a lie—
"Mami-san, I should have called you earlier but there is no use in lamenting," as Madoka spoke, confidence welled up in her heart and she sat straighter in her chair, her voice stronger, and her gaze serious. "We have all repressed our memories of thirteen years ago—some of us unconsciously to a greater extent than others. No, let me finish," she reprimanded Kyouko, who had opened her mouth to protest.
Her pained gaze flitted to Homura for a moment, wanting to hug her close and reassure her, to banish the dark thoughts that haunted her, but she resolutely continued. "Thirteen years ago, we were all caught up in magic—witches—Incubators—Puella Magi. That was a difficult year, wasn't it? My life changed when I found out about the existence of Puella Magi. Oh, how I agonized over whether or not I should make a wish and join you, Mami-san.
"I felt so useless, so weak, so dependent on everyone. Sayaka-chan was closer, though. She almost made a wish, but you stopped her, Mami-san. I didn't know at the time, but Homura-chan had partnered with you, and the Mitakihara territory was too small to support more than two or three magical girls, wasn't it? Sayaka-chan would have wished to save Kyosuke, I know she would have, but you convinced her not to make any wish at all.
"'Distortions of reality,' you explained, were not meant to be. I was tempted to ignore your words, Mami-san. Kyubey followed me around, as you know, and did his best to convince me. Do you know why I never gave in?"
Here, Mami shook her head, struggling to keep the calm expression on her face and a tight leash on her inner turmoil. That was so long ago. Please, do not open those wounds again, her eyes begged Madoka.
Meanwhile, Homura was now uncharacteristically slumped in her chair, white hands gripping the armrests, and Kyouko had gone through an entire plate of traditional sushi and currently debated which of the rest of the dishes should be her next meal.
At least she has a coping mechanism, Madoka thought. With another strained glance to Homura and ignoring the pleas from Mami, Madoka inexorably continued.
"Sayaka-chan and I got trapped in a witch's liar when you were away from the region once, and Homura-chan saved us. But," she leant forward slightly, regarding Mami intently, "that in and of itself wasn't unusual. What made the experience utterly horrifying was that we directly witnessed a magical girl turning into a witch.
"Yuma… that was when we found out the truth about witches and swore never to get caught up in that." Madoka fell silent, staring sadly at Homura and not noticing that Kyouko had turned white as a sheet, chopsticks halfway to her mouth.
"N-no!" Kyouko cried out in pure anguish. Startled, everyone glanced at her, but only Homura understood the reason for her distress.
It was not supposed to happen like this—Oriko—Kirika—the killing of magical girls—there was blood everywhere—Madoka was dead—again—a broken little girl—that night—a syringe, yes—delirious but no one to stay awake for— With great effort, Homura pulled herself out of her daze and the sight of Mami hugging a sobbing Kyouko met her gaze.
Madoka was baffled, unaware that Kyouko had known the little girl and had actually requested Mami's help that day to look for Yuma.
Face red and blotchy, Kyouko pushed Mami away gently. "I didn't know that she—that Kyubey had—she didn't deserve that fate!"
Homura saw Madoka waver and so she spoke gruffly, "Kyouko-san, it is not your fault. Blame me, for I could not change her fate like I changed Kaname-san's."
At this, Mami looked at her suspiciously, wondering for the first time in years what Homura's wish had been.
Madoka broke in, "I am sorry, Kyouko-san. I did not know you knew her." She swallowed painfully. "Her turning, however, saved Sayaka and me from a similar fate. Yuma was a brave girl—I am glad I met her. From then on, I stopped believing in Kyubey and in magic. Sayaka-chan was worried for you, Mami-san, and she wanted to make a contract and join you, but then you returned and Kyouko-san came a few days later.
"For me, though, it was all over the moment I realized Yuma-san had become a witch."
Homura looked distinctly reassured at her last statement and she straightened up in her seat.
Madoka allowed Mami and Kyouko a few moments to process everything before sighing heavily, turning to Homura. "Homura-chan… would you like to tell them yourself?" she gently asked, infinite love for the ex-time-traveler in her tired eyes.
Homura drew strength from her; she had always mourned the loss of the confident Madoka over countless iterations.
The normally-stoic bodyguard did not take her gaze away from Madoka, but her words were directed to the blonde on her left.
"You disagreed with my methods, Tomoe-san. You did not understand why I was so cold," she shuddered and closed her eyes, "you sought comfort in my companionship, comfort I could not provide you. Everything I had was sacrificed for Kaname-san: my existence depended solely on her. I cared for you, yes, you had once been my senpai, but after you killed Kyouko in one timeline and then Kaname-san in another, I delegated less attention and effort on you.
"Keeping all of you alive took too much time, too much effort, so I gave up on you, on Miki-san, and on Sakura-san. Kaname-san became my sole focus—then, when that did not save her, I returned my focus to her friends and hoped desperately that, if I saved the three of you, then perhaps Kaname-san would not—" Homura broke off, opening her eyes briefly to meet Madoka's concerned gaze.
She squeezed her eyes shut again, realizing that she was once again falling into destructive love.
Mami did not understand. One word stood out to her, however: timeline. Her eyes widened—for Tomoe Mami was very sharp—as she remembered that Homura had had time magic. The subtle hints clicked together and she gasped.
"Akemi-san, do you mean to say—are you—your time magic—" she fumbled for words, uneasy and not sure if she truly wanted to know or not. Certainly, she knew Homura was very powerful for a girl with no apparent grand destiny, but time traveling on such a large scale required magic beyond normal levels.
On the other side of Homura, Kyouko starred at Madoka, preferring to wonder if Kaname Madoka had some sort of personality disorder over dwelling over her long time companion's devastating repetitions of the same month. Food could not console her this time.
"I relived two months of our seventh grade at Mitakihara Middle School many times in an attempt to save Kaname-san from the fate all magical girls eventually meet," Homura tersely ground out, hands now pressed urgently into her eyes.
Silence reigned once more in the study.
Dinner lay forgotten on the desk as even Kyouko felt the smothering weight of Homura's suffering augmenting their own tribulations.
Mami remained frozen, hands bunching up her skirt and gaze lowered in a manner reminiscent of Madoka.
Laughing—the sun was too bright, but that was ok—Kyubey hadn't approached her yet, that was good—pink, she couldn't see pink without thinking of her—her room was just as she had expected, stuffed animals and all—why did I buy that panda—her delighted laughter when she gave her Panda-san as a present—Miki-san was jealous—her best friend was no longer hers—no, no, no—sacrifice all you have to clear your conscious!—
"Think, Tomoe-san. My magic controlled time, and the sand in my buckler was not quickly consumed during battles with witches, you know that well enough; turning the calendar back a month was… inevitable," Homura insisted, now balling her hands into fists and hunching over.
She desperately wanted to escape from Madoka's concerned gaze; she simply couldn't keep her concentration and control over herself when Kaname Madoka was around.
Mami realized it now: this was all merely a ploy, a cruel prank designed by Homura to get rid of her, and of course Kyouko would willingly play along, just to spite her! How they had managed to convince sweet Madoka to be their accomplice and how Kyouko managed to pull off such a convincingly devastated expression escaped her, but she was done playing their little game.
Akemi, you must not be allowed remain with Madoka-san anymore. You are a danger to her. She unconsciously nodded, ready to remove Homura from the premises, even if it warranted force.
"Actually, Akemi-san, I think you have lost your mind. Clearly, your obsession with Kaname-san has driven you to such lows in order to get rid of me. You will not take Kaname-san away from me, however!" Mami asserted.
Unfortunately, her words had struck a chord in Homura's heart.
Homura leapt up, suddenly an enormous beast looming over a startled Mami. Her hands trembled at her sides, but her low voice was free of tremors, if not its iciness.
"This is not a joke, Tomoe Mami. Do not sully Kaname-san's kindness with your words," she snarled.
"Kindness?" Mami scoffed. "Please, she probably only keeps you around as entertainment!" Kyouko quickly restrained Homura, stopping her from bodily attacking Mami.
"At least I managed to save the person dearest to me, unlike you! Did you forget already, Tomoe Mami, how you failed to save your parents?" Homura returned wrathfully, straining against Kyouko's hold.
Hating herself for being so petty, yet also enraged by Homura's harsh words, Mami completely forgot her serene composure. "I will not stand for your condemnation!"
Homura tried to calm herself down and insisted, "Will you be silent and listen to my explanation! I have the power to turn back time—"
Mami interrupted her. "Why should I listen to your explanations? False they all are! You are killing Kaname-san, not saving her!"
Homura cast off Kyouko easily and reached towards Mami, bent on justifying her actions, horrified at Mami's words and their implications. "Shut your mouth! How dare you—I am human and I need to be loved just as you do!" Her voice was no longer soft and menacing, but loud with a note of despair in it that promised painful retribution.
Mami leapt out of her seat, hands thrust in front of her to stop Homura.
Can you fill me, slowly—grey worlds, gloomy but safe—how I wish I had a proper weapon!—her smile, her laughter—she didn't recognize her, of course not, you're embarrassing her now—running, always running—no, she wouldn't make in time—Kaname-san—when the ribbons released her, she knew Tomoe Mami was dead again—hands thrust in front of her, ribbons curling up her legs—gunshots—you weren't supposed to die like this!—
"Stop! Please, both of you!" Madoka begged them; she was somehow suddenly between Mami and Homura. Her small hands grasped the front of Homura's dress shirt desperately and she craned her neck upwards to meet her friend's bewildered eyes, though her words were addressed to her once mentor.
"Mami-san, you don't need to be so bitter anymore—you have Sayaka-chan and I, and you know that I will never leave you. But Homura-chan is telling the truth, don't you feel it?
"Don't you—haven't you ever felt echoes and shadows of memories you never made? Haven't you ever walked on a particular path and felt that you had walked there before, even though that was the first time you had even been there? Not just déjà-vu, but the persistent ghost of an alternate life?" she beseeched Mami, who clenched her jaw but sat down again.
Turning to Homura, Madoka said, "And Homura-chan, please give her time to process everything. There's no need to be so hasty."
Kyouko took advantage of Homura's lapse in concentration to once again restrain her. Please don't attack Mami, she silently begged.
Homura, however, ignored both Kyouko and the irony of Madoka's last statement; her attention was focused instead on Madoka's words about echoes of memories and filed them away to study later, when she was calm and in control of herself. Her purple eyes gazed into Madoka's pink ones, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to kiss those kind lips.
Instead, self-loathing filled her and she avoided looking at the light of her life. She watched Mami collapse back into her chair, looking as lost as Homura herself felt.
What are you doing?! Mami rebuked herself, feeling horrible for causing Madoka and Homura such distress.
Though the motives behind it were questionable now, Homura had saved her from despair and loneliness—she had brought companionship when she teamed up with her, and then brought Kyouko back to her, however brief that had lasted.
Besides, time travel explained many things: how Homura had sometimes spoke as if reading directly from a script, how she knew exactly when certain witches would appear, and her own unsettling moments of a sort of déjà vu. Mami stood up, determined, and bowed low, rendering herself submissive before Madoka and Homura.
"Akemi-san, I apologize. My words were cruel and out of line." She hesitating before continuing, "I believe you, Akemi-san. For that, I am truly sorry."
Madoka's loving hands pulled her up out of her bow; Homura scowled but nodded.
"Apology accepted, Tomoe-san. Sakura-san, will you release me now?" she added the second part sternly, displeased at being handled like some criminal.
Kyouko scoffed and let go of her; everyone returned to their original places and, by silent agreement, they turned their attention to the now-cold dinner.
No one spoke as they ate their meal, each preferring to remain absorbed in her thoughts.
Kyouko was relieved that her ex-senpai had not been harmed, though she would not admit it if asked. Anyway, all's well that ends with food, right? Coping mechanism or not, a food obsession was definitely a better alternative to destructive love, Kyouko decided.
Madoka, on the other hand, longed to soothe her tense friend and take her away from all the suffering in the world.
Those dark thoughts she is thinking, if only I could erase them!
She wished she knew what had happened in all the previous timelines—no, wish is a bad word now, she reminded herself.
Homura-chan is running away from me, though. She refuses to look at me—is she scared of me? Or has it been so long that she is scared of her own feelings? But then, what do I feel for her? I've barely known her for all of two weeks.
Madoka cast aside her thoughts in favor of thinking of a course of action. Homura needed a psychiatrist, that much was clear; thank goodness she had also majored in psychology! Then again, perhaps Madoka was too close to the source of Homura's troubles to be of much help….
And how could she help Homura when Madoka herself was so weak?
Homura kept her eyes focused on the plate before her. She silently counted the grains of rice on her chopsticks, willing the maelstrom of memories to leave her alone.
One, two, three, four—by the fourth iteration, she healed herself and gave up on everyone but Madoka—five, six, seven—the seventh timeline had been relatively optimistic, the only death was that of Madoka—eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen—in the thirteenth repeat, Oriko and Kirika appeared for the first time—fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—then there was sweet Yuma—seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty—in the twentieth iteration, Homura began looking for a solution by studying the origins of Puella Magi—twenty one, twenty two—giving up ceased to be an option—twenty three, twenty four, twenty five—her emotions were wrecked—twenty six, twenty seven—
Mami's thoughts were scattered.
Even as she crumbled under the knowledge of Homura's suffering—for it was obvious that all the failed repetitions of the same month had been painful—she felt a kind of morbid curiosity to know what had happened in every previous timeline—and come to think of it, was Homura mentally unstable because of her ordeal? It was all very strange and she had difficulty reconciling her mind around the reality that multiple timelines had been killed in one person's quest to save her beloved.
Turning back a month in time sounds perfectly possible now that I think about it, considering that Akemi-san was such a powerful magical girl. Even Kyubey admired her power.
Suddenly, mid-bite, Mami had an epiphany much like Kyouko had had earlier. She swallowed quickly and her gaze snapped to Madoka. "Madoka-san." Everyone looked at her, startled as the silence shattered. "Madoka-san, that stalker you were talking about… his name is Kyubey."
Immediately, tension permeated the atmosphere. Madoka slumped a little, nodding glumly; Homura tightened her grip on her chopsticks and glared at the little grains of rice as if they were the alien himself; and Kyouko looked at Madoka, realization dawning on her.
"So that's why ya needed a bodyguard in the first place," Kyouko muttered around a mouthful of salmon.
"Yes. I'm not sure how we failed to realize that before; I think we all suppressed our memories to such an extent as to forget all about that particular month. Homura-chan realized that my stalker was the very same Kyubey yesterday, and I only realized it when she told me earlier today," Madoka clarified.
Stress should have no place on Madoka's sweet face, Homura mused.
"Madoka-san, I should have realized this sooner. I have known for some time now that Kyubey is abroad in the world; I actually paid a visit yesterday to Sakura-san to warn her of the danger, for he has been more active lately. How I neglected the fact that he has been following you is beyond me," Mami explained, looking rather abashed.
Kyouko nodded, remembering how surprised and (secretly) pleased she had been when Mami had showed up at her apartment after years of no communication. Well, she had actually been quite torn between being happy and being very, very angry.
The information, however, was enough to draw Homura out of her funk to inquire further.
Homura frowned slightly, but the desire to protect/save Madoka was strong even after years of burying it. "Tomoe-san, how did you come about knowing that Kyubey is once again active? He has been especially wary of catching the attention of Security Firm, as far as I know," she said, ignoring for the moment that she had completely removed herself from all involvement with magical girls and Incubators for the past twelve years and so could not give an accurate statement on the matter.
"Well, I was speaking with a colleague before my last assignment, several weeks ago. Suzushiro-san, she is one of the bodyguards who also deal with Incubator business. She knows that I used to be a Magus, and so she thought to warn me that the Incubators were beginning to make contracts once again, but I put it out of my mind while I was on my assignment and only remembered when I returned and I happened to pass by Sakura-san's apartment on my way home. Madoka-san, I did not even think of your own predicament…," Mami floundered, a familiar guilt threatening to consume her again.
This witch was different—how deceptively adorable—pastries and syringes everywhere—syringes—when she went home that evening—just a small vial—no one to disturb her, not even that damned Kyubey—a few hours of release—sweet release—
Forgive me, Mami—just one more time—red, red like Kyouko's hair—such a shiny needle—where was her syringe?—she could have sworn she left it in the drawer—she forgot to go patrol the city that night – no, no, it was a mistake—a witch, no, please not here—Madoka!—
"It's alright, Mami-san; there is no harm done. We are all at fault for not remembering – or rather, for refusing to remember. That brings me to a point, however." Madoka looked unusually grave, her shy personality hidden away at the moment. She met everyone's gaze one by one, ensuring absolute attention.
"We cannot allow our pasts to dominate us anymore. We need to stop repressing our memories; we need to confront our painful memories.
"I know some memories are painful, unbearingly so, but we should remember them so that someday they won't hurt us. If we just lock them away, then one day the lock will break and we will be no better off than before—just as we find ourselves now.
"Mami-san, Kyouko-san, you both need to resolve your differences once and for all, please. As for you, Homura-chan, please let us help you," Madoka half-begged, half-ordered her friends.
Homura scowled but did not reject the plea.
Kyouko, on the other hand, looked at Madoka suspiciously. "Oi, we aren't the only ones with issues. You do realize that you've some sort of personality disorder, right?"
Madoka laughed lightly at that, feeling as if all the confidence in the world was hers. "It is a minor problem, Kyouko-san. As long as my personalities are not destructive—and I assure you, they are not—I will be just fine." She cheerfully ignored the fact that she had a rather bad habit of being self-destructive when her predominant personality—the shy one, ironically enough—was in control.
My mind is my own. That is all.
"Madoka-san, Sakura-san has a point," Mami gently said. "Do you not realize that although your personality swings are relatively stable and minor, the added stress could—"
"Really mess with ya," Kyouko interjected.
Mami shot her a disproving look, earning a smirk from Kyouko and a smile from Madoka.
"Homu-chan, this is where ya flip your hair 'n' walk away," the vivacious girl ducked a smack from Mami. I missed this, she thought sadly before settling back in her seat and piling yet more food onto her plate, ignoring the pang in her heart at having pushed Mami away so many times.
Homura kept eating in silence, ignoring their antics.
The tense atmosphere dissipated for the moment, as everyone settled into a comfortable silence around dinner.
I will talk to Madoka-san about her problem later, Mami decided.
Madoka knew Mami would not give up, and she herself knew that if she did not seek treatment for her dual personality issue, it could truly degenerate into something far worse.
Right now, though, my goal is to save Homura-chan. I can wait—for once in my pathetic life.
Across from Madoka, Homura thought the exact opposite.
How ironic: even though Madoka is so meek, she is the dominating one.
Really, if you look at it from my point of view, why the fuck should I sacrifice myself even more for you? Why should I welcome your domination?
It nearly destroyed me before, and I fear it will finish destroying me now if I give in.
But you love her, Homura's heart wailed.
Love is a lie.
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A/N: I really hope this chapter was worth the wait! To be clear, the italicized thoughts that are incongruent with the text are supposed to be Homura's thoughts—remember, she's losing her sanity, and I really don't blame her.
Please review! I need feedback, criticism, anything! Even flames, I guess, lol. Many thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorite/followed!
I talk a lot on my profile.
~Teddy.