Red vs Blue and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by Halo, owned by Bungie and Microsoft.

Spoilers through RvB13-10, "Temple of the Key."

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"GET HIM OFF ME," called Tucker. "GET HIM OFF!"

"This sounds like a job for Agent Double-O ...Doc?" Donut skidded to a stop on the ice, nearly tripping Lopez.

"D-Donut?" Doc sat up on his knees, giving Tucker time to crawl out from under him. "Oh my sweet Franklin, you noticed I was gone, didn't you?"

"Ummmmmmm..."

Doc started to twitch, throaty laughter bubbling up like a tar pit. "Die, you unobservant FOOL!"

Donut meeped loudly, scampering away.

"Caboose," offered Dr. Grey as Tucker shook snow off his armor, "if Doc is your friend, how about you show him some affection?"

"Well I'm more the strong silent type but okay." Caboose mag-holstered Freckles and pinned Doc's arms to his sides.

"Unhand me, you buffoon!"

"Does he—" squeaked Donut, "does he still have Omega?"

"Creo que está loco y sólo cree que es mi maestro antiguo."*

"You're right, Lopez! He probably does just need a friend."

"Te odio."

"Lopez, my mechanical minion! Let us dispatch these ingrates and together rule this puny planet!"

"So…" trailed Dr. Grey. "Anyone going to fill me in?"

"Fill you in?" said Tucker. "Well—"

"Someone else can do it!"

"No! I really wasn't going to say it that time!"

"O'Malley was in Doc's head for a while, kind of like he was in my head for a while, and he taught Doc how to be really mean, kind of like he taught me how to be mean and now it looks like Doc is acting like O'Malley whenever he wants to be mean."

"That…" Donut trailed off, "sounds pretty close actually. Wow, Caboose. You're usually kind of a moron."

Caboose's visor snapped in Donut's direction. "Don't ever be alone."

"Can you sedate him or something?" Tucker asked Dr. Grey. "Then Lopez and Donut can haul him back to the Pelican while we find Doyle and Carolina."

"But then what do we do with him?" she asked. "Isn't he dangerous?"

"Yeah!" added Donut. "It sounds like being ignored for so long drove him crazy. Who could possibly survive that?"

"Me preguntarse esto cada día."

"Nah, he's all right. The most badass thing he ever tried to do was—" Tucker stopped. "Oh..."

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"It's no use!" squeaked Simmons. "We'll never get this engine to create enough smoke to get everyone out."

"Just keep trying!" Kimball crackled over the radio.

"It seems our only option is a suicidal charge straight into the jaws of the enemy! Simmons, can you rig this thing for a good explosion?"

"Sir, I don't think that's—"

The entire battlefield shook with a thunderclap.

"Lightning bolts! Excellent work, Simmons!"

"That ...wasn't me."

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"Weather manipulation at last, at LAST! The thunderclouds obey my every whim!" Doc's hands flew across the altar. "Electrocute those fools! And those fools! And that fool over there! Leave no fool unelectrocuted!" His posture melted and he sighed, "You know I hate violence, but this is awfully therapeutic..."

"Well I'm just happy everyone's happy," Donut said firmly, hands on his hips. "What do you think, Dr. Grey?"

"This case study is going to make me famous."

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*I think he's crazy and only thinks he's my former master.

**I hate you.

***I ask myself that every day.

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Originally posted as Darkfrog24 under the title "Redirect."

drf24 at columbia dot edu