Chapter Seven
2:45p.m
"So, how has she been doing?"
Aubrey, who had finished running her errands for the day, had decided to swing by Chloe's and Beca's place, Chloe being the only one there. With her wife at work and the kids in school, the two decided to keep each other company.
"She's been…ok." Aubrey answered, sitting now with her best friend at the kitchen table.
"Still kind of off?"
"Well…it's like, I don't know. I don't know if this is gonna make sense, but she constantly looks like she is struggling. It's like she wants the little things like hugs and stuff, but then she keeps pushing them away. Like that night I told you about where she thought she was the reason I was crying."
"Yeah, I remember. You said she wanted that hug?"
"She did! I could see it on her face, in her body actions, and just…she pushed away instead. Chloe, what if I'm really not doing a good job?"
"No, no. You're doing a great job. Trust me." The red head replied encouragingly.
"Then why do I feel like I am failing with her…like I am making her unhappy."
"You're not. Believe me honey. You are doing everything right. I think she is just in her adjustment period."
"Adjustment period even after three months?"
"In a way, yes. See, from what you told me and from what you said you learned from her social worker, she usually goes into homes thinking they are not going to work out. The other adults she had been with just kind of gave up on her, so she probably expected the same from you. However, you haven't stopped. You're still doing what every normal mom does to her kid, and I think she's finally seeing that you're not going to give up, which in turn scares her a little bit."
"Because she's not used to it?"
"Exactly. She's not used to it. So, she just has to adjust. Just keep doing what you're doing."
"I never planned to stop. I just felt like I was kind of doing a terrible job."
"I swear to you, as a mom, you are not. She'll get there. She's just got to learn that it's ok to trust you and let go."
Aubrey gave a little sigh and nodded.
"You're right. You are so good at this mom thing, you know that?"
Chloe giggled a little, bringing her cup of warm tea to her mouth for a sip.
"I'm still learning something every day, trust me. When Beca and I first had Piper, we had no clue what we were doing. But then it just all came naturally. Give yourself some more credit. You're doing wonderful with Harlyn."
"Thanks." Aubrey said with a smile. "Speaking off, it's almost three, so I best be getting home. The kids will be out of school soon and I want to be home when Harlyn returns."
"All right, chickie. I need to get ready for my gremlins to return, too."
"When does Beca come home?"
"Around 4:30pm today. It's usually four, but she has a meeting."
"Oh joy, we know how much she loves those." Aubrey said sarcastically."
"I know, right?"
"The joys of being a well-known producer in the working world. Anyways, I'm off. See you guys tomorrow for the party?"
"Mhm! We'll be there early to help set up."
"And I love you for that. See you later then."
"Later!"
3:00pm
"Weekend at last. Thank god."
Both Piper and Harlyn had just gotten out of school, the two girls now walking home together.
"Don't get me wrong, I love school." Piper continued. "But I'm so glad I can just go home and flop. So, any idea on whom you're going to write about for your hero paper?"
Harlyn, who had been quiet most of the day, just shrugged.
"I'm going to do it on my moms, but I'm not going to tell them. When it's all graded and handed back and stuff, then I'll read it to them."
The idea was actually really sweet. Her moms would love that.
"I wonder…would Aubrey love it if I did it for her?"
That idea sounded nice as well. Ever since that night she wanted to hug Aubrey herself, she found herself wanting to do so more and more. And not just hugging, but holding her hand when they took walks, crawling into bed in the early mornings like Piper says she does to her moms, snuggling…everything. She wanted to do everything.
"But I'm just too scared to. She was supposed to be tired of me by now. I still feel like this whole thing is just way too good."
"Hey, Earth to Harlyn."
The younger brunette snapped from her thoughts.
"What?"
"I asked if you were excited for tomorrow." She replied, poking the girl in the forehead. "You derp."
Harlyn looked away, letting out a sigh.
"I already told you it's nothing special."
"But it's your birthday."
"And?"
The two had finally come to a stop having arrived at Piper's house.
"Do you really think that it's not a special day?"
Harlyn just shrugged again.
"It's never been called a special day before, so I don't know why I should consider it one now."
It was Piper's turn to sigh now, the girl shaking her head.
"Anyone who thought it was special before were jerks. That day is special to me. To all of us. Anyways, I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"
"Later."
"Bye."
After she headed back to her own place, kicking off her shoes and heading into the kitchen the moment she walked inside.
"Hey, Harlyn!" Aubrey greeted.
"Hey."
"How was school?"
"It was ok."
"Anything interesting happen?"
"Some kid puked during lunch, but that's about it."
Aubrey laughed a bit at this, but only because she wasn't expecting that comment.
"Was she ok?"
"He. And I think so. They took him to the nurse."
"Well, I hope he's ok. Come here you."
As usual, Harlyn found herself in the arms of Aubrey, the woman hugging her tight. She didn't hug back, but she didn't fight it either.
"I missed you."
"I missed you, too." She thought, never saying it.
"Tomorrow's the big day."
"That's what everyone keeps saying."
"It will be nice. Beca, Chloe, and the kids are coming, they'll be gifts, I am baking a nice little cake for you…"
"I guess…"
"Hey…" She pulled away gently and kissed the girl on the forehead. "It will be fun. I promise."
Harlyn didn't say anything back, the girl just shrugging.
"I'm going to change."
"Ok, love. I'll be getting dinner started soon."
"All right."
And with that she turned to head up to her room.
"Everyone says that tomorrow is special and that it will be fun. It's never been fun before, so why would it be now?"
Oh if she only knew.
3:45a.m.
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."
Harlyn didn't understand this concept. She didn't understand it at all, but she sure as hell was going to today.
…
"Baaaaby…"
Aubrey was curled up on the ten year olds bed, the female gently scratching her cheek.
"Little girl…"
"Harlyn shuffled in her sleep, rolling over so she was facing Aubrey, her eyes still closed.
"Wake up precious."
Shuffling a little more, she made a slight sleepy noise before finally opening her eyes.
"Hey there beautiful."
Harlyn rubbed her baby blue orbs, her mind all sleepy groggy as she slipped into consciousness.
"Aubrey?"
"Mhm." She said back, pushing away some of the girls brown hair.
She was a little confused at the sight, but not alarmed. It was actually nice to wake up and see her.
"But…what is she doing here?"
It was then she realized her room was still darkened, the only source of light coming from her computer and the moon outside.
"It's not even light out…"
Looking behind her, she saw her clock read 3:45am.
"What the…"
She turned back to Aubrey, the woman still curled up next to her.
"What's going on? It's not even time to wake up."
"I know." She said gently, still fiddling with the girl's hair slightly.
"Then…why are you here?"
"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday."
Harlyn gave a look that clearly said 'really?'
"…You wanted to wish me a happy birthday?"
"Mhm."
"At 3:45 in the morning?"
"That's right."
"You couldn't wait till it was actually time to get up?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Because, my love, you weren't born at eight, nine, or ten in the morning. You were born at this very moment, 3:45am on the twenty third of October eleven years ago."
Harlyn's heart stopped for a moment, not expecting this answer.
"Wait…how did you-"
"A little birdy told me."
"Cassi…"
She was the only one who knew.
"And…you wanted to wish me a happy birthday the moment I was born?"
"I did." She replied, her tone and smile warm.
"Harlyn, whose confused gaze had softened quite a bit, was unsure of how to handle this. It was definitely a first, and of all the things she thought could possibly happen today, this was not one of them.
"But…I said that today wasn't a big deal or anything…"
"Well it's a big deal to me. You may not find this day to be very special, but I do. You were born. On this very day, you came into this world, and because of that, you are here with me right now. This day is special because your birth is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so lucky to have you in my life. I am glad you were born, Harlyn. You make me happy every day and I'm glad you are here."
When Aubrey had finished, young Harlyn was left speechless, more words she wasn't expecting…words that cut deep for tears had instantly formed in her eyes, a single one escaping and trailing down her cheek. It was Aubrey who caught it, the woman gently rubbing it away.
"Happy Birthday, Harlyn."
The girl couldn't move. She couldn't even speak. She didn't know what to say.
"This day is special to me because your birth is the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Her birth was really that special?
"Aubrey?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Can I hug you? Can you hold me? Can we snuggle till I sleep? I just wanna be in your arms…"
These were all of the questions shooting through her head at this very moment, her uncontrollable yearnings tearing at her to come out. Right then and there it was so tempting…so tempting to fall into those welcoming arms and just cry, and if, for once, she had just showed the smallest piece of bravery…
"I'm tired."
Her mind went silent, the previous words being tossed aside. Yes, if only, for once, she could be brave.
Aubrey giggled a little at this, nodding her head,
"Sleep silly. You look it. I'll stay with you till you do."
Not up for arguing, she rolled over so that her back faced the other, afraid that if she didn't, she might start crying again.
"Sleep well, little one. I'll be right here."
"Good…I don't want you to go."
She settled in, pulling the covers up to her chin. Once she was comfortable, she didn't move, her mind still reeling over what had happened. She didn't even move when Aubrey scooted a bit closer.
"Why can't I just say what I feel? I want to, but I'm too scared. What if I finally give into things and everything goes wrong? What if-"
Her thoughts were silenced once again, this time to a soft and comforting feeling that came in the form of back scratches, Instantly, her body flopped, no longer tense and frozen. Her eyes began closing not long after that.
"Good god that feels good…"
And if that wasn't enough to comfort her, then what came after sure did the job.
"Your baby blues, so full of wonder. Your curly cues, your contagious smile."
"Is she…singing to me?"
She had heard the woman sing before, but this was a softer, sweeter tune…almost like a lullaby.
"Clouds will race in, storms will rage in, but you will be safe in my arms."
Her voice was like honey…sweet and warm…the sound quieting any and every fear.
"Aubrey…I wish…I wish…"
"Rains will pour down, waves will crash around, but you will be safe in my arms."
She had never felt so calm and relaxed and warm in her life, Aubrey's mere presence alone sending her heart on an endless flutter.
"Safe…your arms…I want to be…"
"Castles they might crumble, dreams may not come true, but you are never all alone cause I will always….always love you…"
"Love…"
Her heart trembled at the sound of those words again. She remembered the day Aubrey told her that she loved her. She wasn't expecting to hear her say that, but she still couldn't believe it. Even now she couldn't understand why Aubrey would love a girl like her. Regardless of her thoughts and fears though, Aubrey was not the only one who felt that love. It was very much reciprocated even if Harlyn couldn't show it or say it back quite yet.
"Is that what this really warm feeling is? Love? Love…for her…for Aubrey. I…I love her, too. And I wish I could just say it…I wish I could show her…I wish she was my…I wish…"
…
-Gasp-
Harlyn shot up in bed, shielding and rubbing her eyes slightly due to the incoming morning sun. Peeking up at her clock, it read 10:00am. She had slept a lot longer than she anticipated.
"Holy jeeze…"
Flopping back down, she let out a sigh, her eyes now falling to the empty space beside her.
"Aubrey…"
Her mind began to fill with memories of the previous event that happened that morning, the warmth flooding back.
"It wasn't a dream…she woke me up the moment I was born to wish me a happy birthday…"
Rolling over, she took the pillow the woman had used and snuggled it tight, the sweet smell of her shampoo still lingering upon it.
"And she sang to me. I've never felt so safe…"
She hugged the pillow a little tighter, her heart aching as she wished it were Aubrey she was hugging instead.
"I should have just done it last night…why do I have to be such a scaredy cat?"
She didn't mean to be, but it just happened. The mere thought of hugging her just made her freeze up.
"I kind of want to talk to her about it, but that scares me, too. You're pathetic Harlyn…"
Grumbling, she sat back up. Yes, perhaps just talking about it with her or just hugging her in general would fix things, but she just wasn't quite ready, and now, she was getting a headache thinking about all of this, so she decided to drop it all for now. Instead, she got up and dressed for the day, heading downstairs not long after.
"Do I even want to know what she has planned for today?"
This morning threw her completely off guard. God knows what else she had up her sleeve.
"Boo!"
Harlyn, who had just turned to enter the kitchen upon reaching the bottom step squeaked when she saw a familiar face jump out in front of her.
"Hi!"
"Holy jeeze, Piper! Really?"
"Happy birthday, Harlyn!" she giggled, glomping the girl in a hug.
"What…Piper…will you-"
"Harlyn!"
The next voice came from Chloe, the red head exiting the kitchen and approaching the girl with a happy smile.
"There's the birthday girl!" she said hugging her tight.
"Oh, me too!" Beca called, following after with a hug. "Happy birthday, little nerd!"
"All right, all right, I get it. Enough with the hugs now. Just because it's my birthday doesn't mean you can hang all over me."
"Um, yeah it does." Beca said back. "If anything, it means we can hang all over you even more."
"Hi Harlyn!"
This greeting came from Riley, the little girl clinging to Chloe.
"Hey…"
"My Harly-bear!"
After wiping her hands on a towel, Aubrey came walking out and hugged her last, squeezing her tightly and kissing her cheek.
"Happy birthday, my love."
"Aubrey…" she grumbled, pushing back and wiping the kiss away. The woman in turn just giggled.
"Did you sleep all right?"
"Yes…" she said, looking away now as the memory made her feel all shy.
"Good. That makes me happy to hear."
Not wanting things to get too mushy, she scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest.
"All I wanted to do was go into the kitchen and I get attacked instead."
"Oh no, attacked with hugs." Beca teased. "Anything but that. And anyways, you're not allowed in the kitchen, punk."
"Why not?"
"Because we are setting up in there and we don't want you to see." Aubrey replied. "If you're hungry though, I can grab you something to eat."
"I'm not hungry…"
"Well then love bug, you, Piper, and Riley can hang out in your room till we finish!"
"Wait, like really? I can't go in there?"
"Nope!"
"But-"
"No buts silly!"
"But I-"
"Never!"
The woman giggled and leaned in to kiss her cheek again.
"Trust me beautiful, we want to surprise you. Stay upstairs for me? Please?"
Everything was happening a little fast to the now eleven year old, her mind not quite fully processing anything, but in the end, she just sighed and shrugged.
"I guess…"
"Thank you, love! We will let you know when it's ready. Now go on up and have some fun."
"Come on!" Piper said, grabbing her by the wrist and jetting upstairs. "Let's go!"
Little Riley followed after, and when the girls were out of sight, the three women returned to the kitchen.
"She really is too funny sometimes." Chloe said as she returned to chopping up some vegetables for a salad. "It's really a shame she doesn't get more excited for her birthday."
"I don't think I've ever met a child who didn't care about it." Beca added while helping her wife.
"I know." Aubrey replied, mixing some batter she had in front of her. "I'm hoping she enjoys this one. I was worried at first because she was really keen on not celebrating it, but it's important, you know? I thought that maybe if I did do a little something for it she might like it more."
"And I think you're right." Chloe said back. "I think this will help her see that it's something worth celebrating."
"That girl just needs to ease up a little." Beca told them. "I don't mean that in a bad way cause I love her to death, but she is way too young to be giving up on trusting other people and thinking she has to take care of herself. She's got to learn how to just…be a kid."
"I know…" Aubrey said softly. "I am happy I can kind of help with that. She's such a good kid. I wish she could see herself the way I do."
"She will in time." Chloe told her. "You'll see. By the way, how did it go with your little thing this morning? She like it?"
"I think she did." Aubrey answered. "I mean, the look on her face said she did."
"How did she react?" Beca asked.
"Well…she cried a little, but then she just rolled over after that. She said she was tired and wanted to sleep. That look though before she rolled over…it was the same one she gave that day I knew she wanted to hug me in my bed room. After, I snuggled up closer, scratched her back, and sang to her till she slept, and that she didn't fight off at all."
"Aww, that's so sweet!" Chloe said, suddenly looking around. "See? I told you it would work out. And hey, has anyone seen my water bottle?"
"What's the matter?" Beca asked. "Does the ginger need her jiggle juice?"
Aubrey snickered at this sudden comment, Beca fighting to hide her smile.
"Really? You're never going to let me live that down, are you…"
"Make good choices!"
"You're a punk, you know that?"
"Yeah…I know, but that's why you love me."
"Uh huh." Chloe replied with a smirk. "Your advice worked though. I made a really good choice and married you."
"It was a crazy choice to marry me, but yes, a good one. I knew you were it the day you walked in on me naked, even if you were with that guy."
"I still can't believe you did that." Aubrey giggled.
"What? I heard her sing and I really wanted her to join!"
"And it would have been too normal to simply come to my dorm and ask me."
"Exactly! If I did it normally, then how would I have been able to see that butt?"
Aubrey burst out at this, shaking her head as memories came flooding back. She had such good memories with those two and felt lucky to have them as friends. "Oh! It's done. Now just to pour."
Lifting the bowl, she poured the chocolate cake batter into the shaped baking pan.
"Yay!" Chloe said. "I can't wait to see it when it's done!"
"The girl is smart to like dark chocolate." Beca said.
"So true." Aubrey replied. "It's only the best kind of chocolate in existence. All right, in the oven you go."
Carefully lifting it, she placed the pan in the preheated over and shut the door.
"I hope I can make her happy today…I hope, I hope…"
12:00p.m
After a couple of hours, Harlyn and the girls headed back downstairs, the birthday girl finally allowed to see their work, and mind you, it was amazing. They decorated the whole kitchen with colorful birthday decorations, and they had a good choice of food to pick from, too ranging from mini-sandwiches, salads, and ice cream. The best part, at least to Harlyn, was her dark chocolate cake that had been baked into the shape of a music note. It was also covered in cream colored butter cream frosting, making it the best thing she had ever tasted.
"Aubrey did really well with this."
She and Piper were sitting at the kitchen table, the other three women chatting about something in the dining room while Riley ate with them.
"Yeah…"
"You like everything so far?"
"Actually, I do."
As soon as she saw everything, her stubbornness melted right off, a whole lot of warmth taking its place just like the day Aubrey gave her the locket. Everyone just worked so hard and it came out beautiful.
"It's nice…your parents and Aubrey, they did good."
"See?" Piper said with a happy smile. "I know you'd like it."
"I do…and it's weird."
"No it's not silly. This is a good thing! Enjoy yourself."
She was funnily enough, and that's what she found so weird. Her birthday was never something she really celebrated, yet there she was enjoying their party, enjoying their company…the warmth she was feeling was strong. That warmth, however, was also accompanied by something else. It was an ache; that familiar ache of wanting to be close to Aubrey. To hug her, to cling to her…she just wanted to be close. Kind of like what a daughter would do to a mom.
"But I can't do stuff like that…she's not my…"
There was that ache again, that inner yearning fighting to get out. Aubrey was starting to feel more like a mother to her even if she couldn't quite admit it to herself yet, and seeing how much work she and the others put into setting this up…and with the constant reminder of what happened between her and Aubrey that morning, she was just a big ball of mush. How to fix that? Go be with Aubrey. Would she do that?"
"Hey guys!"
Turning around, both Piper and Harlyn found Aubrey standing right behind them.
"Liking it so far?"
"Yeah, it's great." Piper replied.
"Good! How about you, Harly? Did I make your cake ok?"
The girl nodded.
"Yeah, I like it."
"Really?"
"Yes. I mean it, I like what you did with it and it tastes really good. Thanks…"
It was a simple reply, but to Aubrey, who was always concerned about the child's happiness, it meant the world.
"Aww, I'm so glad!"
The woman hugged the girl from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder and kissing her cheek.
"I wanted to make it just right for you. And is the party ok?"
"Y-yeah…th-that's great, too." She stuttered out, her heart bouncing all over the place again.
"Really, really? That makes me so happy! You are my little girl and I wanted to make it special for you. Mmm my Harly, I love you so much."
…Ok yeah, that was it. She broke. All of the emotional cravings and warmth and just everything flooded her chest all at once. The hugs? Ok, she was used to that. The I love you? Kind of. She had heard it before but it still made her feel funny. However, being called her Harly and her little girl…
"Her Harly? Her…little girl? But…I'm never anyone's little girl…"
"I'm really glad you like it." Aubrey continued, pulling away now and standing beside her. "I was ho…oh, Harlyn….Are you all right?"
The younger brunette had suddenly stopped picking at her cake, her eyes glazed over with tears she couldn't seem to control.
"Harlyn?"
"Could I step outside?"
Aubrey, who was now worried, reached out and caught one of the tears that just happened to escape.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
"I just need some fresh air."
"Well, do you want me to come out with you?"
"No. I just need a minute alone.
"Ok sweetie…if you need it…"
Nodding her head, she stood up and slipped off, instantly heading for the back door and slipping outside.
Beca and Chloe, who had been silently watching from their seating area, looked just as concerned as Aubrey did.
"Is she all right?" Chloe asked.
"I don't know." Aubrey replied, her gaze sad. "I just gave her some loving…I mean, you guys heard what I said? Did I…say too much?"
"No, no you didn't!" Chloe answered. "Not at all. You were doing just as you said, loving on her."
"Which is something that seems to always make her uncomfortable. Maybe she really does hate it?"
"Honey, no. She doesn't."
"She might though. Maybe all of those times I thought I saw her actually wanting it were flukes?"
"They weren't. Remember what I said before? She is probably still trying to adjust."
Beca, who had been quiet this whole time, stared at the door Harlyn walked out of, her brows furrowed in a way that showed she was deep in thought.
"Hey Aubrey?"
Her friend looked at her, her own blue eyes glazed up.
"If it's ok with you, I'm going to go talk to her for a moment."
"Talk to her?"
"Mhm. She and I need to have a little one on one for a little bit."
"Um…yeah, sure. Go ahead. Maybe you'll have better luck."
"You didn't do anything. Trust me. I'll be right back."
Outside, Harlyn had plopped down by a tree, her knees pulled to her chest as she rested her head in her arms.
"You're my little girl and I wanted to make it special for you."
"She called me her…"
"Hey stranger."
At hearing the voice, she looked away, sniffling and wiping off a few tears. Without even waiting or expecting permission, Beca sat down beside her, reaching out to gently squeeze her arm.
"Hey…it's your birthday punk. You shouldn't have those kinds of tears today. Talk to me?"
Part of her wanted to, but she didn't know what to say.
"You seemed to get bothered right after Aubrey loved on you."
"Still nothing."
"Do you really hate it that much?"
"No!"
Her tone came out snappier that she intended, the girl just shaking her head and looked away again.
"I don't hate any of it, ok? I just…forget it. You wouldn't understand."
"I could if you helped me."
"It doesn't matter."
"It matter to me. It matters to all of us."
Harlyn turned her gaze back to meet with the woman's, a sincere look on Beca's face.
"Come on. Try me. This seems to be a common thing, you getting a bit worked up every time she or anyone tries to love on you a bit. How come those things bother you?"
Harlyn sniffled again, wiping away more incoming tears.
"It doesn't bother me…not in a bad way. It just makes me feel weird."
"Weird how?"
"I don't know. It just scares me. Whenever it happens, I actually like it, but I end up just getting this weird feeling…like I'm vulnerable. I don't feel so tough, and that there is what really bothers me."
"You don't like feeling vulnerable?"
"Well, no. I feel…weak, I guess, and I can't be. I'm supposed to be tough."
"Says who?"
"Life. Every time I gave into any kind of loving or family thing or whatever in the past, it blew up in my face. I just got hurt, so it became easier to shut everyone out in the end."
"It might be easier to do that, but it's also lonelier."
She couldn't believe she was using the same like her dad used on her many years ago. She would have to remember to thank him for that.
"Yeah well, sometimes I feel like being alone is safer.
"Anyone can go through life and want to be alone, but there is nobody who can withstand it, but, you are also right. Being vulnerable can be scary."
"It really is. I don't feel tough at all and my guard goes completely down, and when it does, I get scared. You know what, fine, yes, I like everything she does, but I'm afraid that if I go on and be that vulnerable, I am going to get hurt again. I'm afraid that if I just give in and fall into it all, something bad is going to happen that will ruin it and I'll end up losing everyone."
Beca scooted a little closer, wrapping an arm around the girl for comfort.
"Honey, everywhere you go in life, you'll be taking risks that could leave you hurt. I won't lie, although I hope it doesn't happen, there is a good chance it might, but that doesn't mean you live your life with caution and fear. If you do, then you're going to miss out on a lot of great opportunities. I know you are scared of falling, but I can definitely tell you that here, you won't be. Here, with Aubrey, with us, nothing bad is going to happen. Here, you're safe. You can let go…you can be vulnerable and know nothing is going to hurt you if you are."
"But I don't like feeling that way. Like, when she hugs me, I get this moment of weakness and instantly feel like a little kid, and I'm afraid to feel that way around her. I know if I do…if I go ahead and give in, then…then I'm never going to want to let go."
"And you don't have to. Look, I know that feeling you're talking about. When you're in someone's arms, allowing them to hug you or hold you in a loving way, you are showing them that you trust them fully. You show them a softer and warmer side to yourself. That is a scary thing, yes, but…isn't it nice to have someone you can be like that with?"
Harlyn shifted slightly, her heart clenching a little as she listened.
"Trust me, from experience, I know it can get tiring always trying to be tough. It's hard work, and when you always try and be that way, you're keeping people out, and I know it gets lonely. You're not trusting them. That's why I feel that having a weak moment with someone who loves you is a good thing…that allowing someone to hold you and see your true self without judging is a relief. Like, whenever Chloe gives me a hug, I just melt…and mind you, I don't just do that with anyone. I feel comforted because I know that's the one place in the world I will always be safe in. Every bad feeling I have goes away and I feel happy again. I can also feel how much she loves me when she hugs and holds me, too, and that makes me feel even happier. So, while I know that being vulnerable and having weak moments with someone can be scary, it can also feel good if you have those moments with the right person."
Harlyn looked away from the other, a new feeling now swimming around in her heart. She had never thought about it that way before.
"Being vulnerable with the right person is a good thing?"
Maybe, just maybe, it was a little exhausting to be tough all the time…and a little lonely. Because of her fear, she had pushed away things like hugs and snuggles or any kind of loving and never allowing herself to feel how good it could be if could be if she just gave in.
"It's really all right to feel that? It's really ok to show that side?"
"And you know what's also going to help with how you're feeling?"
The girl shook her head.
"Talking to her about it."
Harlyn scoffed at this.
"Maybe, but that's not going to happen any time soon."
"Why not?"
She shrugged.
"I don't know. It's just not."
"Yeah, it will. In fact, it can happen right now."
"Woah, wait what? Now?"
"Mhm. Why not?"
"I, well, I don't know. She's not going to want to talk about this or hear this all today."
"Want to make a bet?"
Harlyn sighed and leaned back against the tree.
"Beca…I can't talk to her about it now. I feel weird just having this conversation with you. If I tell her…
"Then that will be even better. Believe me honey, I am so proud and so touched that you opened up to me. I care about you, too, but she is definitely the one who needs to know about this more than anybody."
"Well, yes but…now? Really?"
"Yes now. Now is actually the best time because you're being so open about things. It's also a good time because the sooner you talk to her, the sooner you'll see that you don't need to be scared…that you can go ahead and be vulnerable and give in. I want you to see how good it can be."
Harlyn could see the point even if the thought of chatting about it now bugged her. She was tired of being scared all of the time and tired of not being able to soothe that ache, the need to cling to Aubrey like a kid would cling to a mom getting harder to ignore.
"But, but what if she-"
"Nope!"
She cut her right off.
"No, no, no. That's another thing. No more what ifs. Just trust me…trust her, and I can promise you that you're going to feel a whole lot better. I want to see you happy, Harlyn. You deserve to be. Talk to her?"
Although she found this to be happening a little fast, she agreed, nodding her head.
"Good girl. This is important and I have faith in you. I'll go get her, ok?"
Harlyn nodded again, Beca getting up moments after to leave.
"Is this really going to happen?"
She couldn't believe that Beca was actually going to get her so they could talk. She wasn't even prepared for this. What was she going to say? How would she explain things to Aubrey? There was no easy way to do it.
"I was never even supposed to be in this situation." She thought, bringing her knees to her chest again and hiding her face. "None of this was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to feel this way or be confused about anything or…hell, I wasn't even supposed to like her."
Nothing was going the way she thought. At this point, she figured she would have driven Aubrey away like she did her past guardians, but that wasn't happening at all.
"Why? Why isn't she being like anyone else?"
Tears started forming in her eyes again as she thought about it. She just didn't understand.
"Harlyn?"
The eleven year old looked up to see Aubrey, the woman taking a seat beside her.
"Hey you…Beca said you wanted to talk?"
Her voice was soft and sweet like always, but she could detect a bit of sadness and worry in it, too.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
Harlyn looked away. She tried hard to keep her tears back, wiping them away every time they escaped, but they just kept coming.
"If you don't want to talk right now, that's all right." Aubrey told her, caressing her hair lightly. "You don't have to."
Harlyn let out a sigh, her eyes locked onto the ground below. So many thoughts and feelings were swimming through her that she didn't know what to say, but after a few minutes, she finally spoke.
"You know, when I first came here, I was very sure of myself and my thoughts and feelings when it came to the whole family thing. I knew I didn't want anything to do with one. I knew that the whole idea of family was nothing but a lie and that they didn't really exist…at least not for me. I was content with going through the rest of my life without one. I was tired of getting hurt and I wasn't going to let it happen again. But then…then I met you."
Her tears began to come out faster.
"I met you…and you just…you turned everything upside down. You started to change me. I can't even think the way I used to anymore. I can't hate family the way I want to. I can't because you make it sound so perfect. You're doing everything right and you're making me feel things I shouldn't. You're making me want things I shouldn't. I wasn't supposed to be happy here, but I am…I'm so happy it hurts, and the only reason I couldn't hug you or do anything back was because I knew that if I did I was never going to want to let go. I kept trying to push you away because I knew someone like you was too good to be true and that if I gave in that something bad would happen and I didn't want it to because I didn't want to lose you."
All of her locked away thoughts and feelings came pouring out, more so than she expected. She hadn't meant to explain this much, but after keeping it in for so long, it couldn't help but spill free.
"I'm such a mess, dammit. Why didn't you send me back like everyone else? Why didn't you just get rid of me when I was impossible or whenever I caused trouble?"
"Because you're my family." Aubrey told her, tears in her own eyes now. "And no matter how hard things get, families don't toss each other out or give up on each other."
"But why me? I don't get it. You could have had any orphan at that group home. Any, and there were much better choices than me, I promise you that, so why did you settle for someone like me when you could have had better? You could have gotten the perfect child."
"And I did get the perfect child." She told her, now moving so she was in front of the girl, her hands coming up to cup her cheeks. "You are perfect to me. Yes, I could have picked anyone, but I wanted you. As soon as I saw you, I just knew. I knew you were it. I don't know how or why, but my heart knew you were the one I was looking for."
Harlyn heart was breaking by the second.
"But I don't do anything to make you happy."
"Baby, you being here with me makes me the happiest person in the world. Before you, there was something missing and I could feel it every day, but as soon as you came into my life, you made that feeling go away. Harlyn, if you weren't here, I can promise you that I would not be this happy. I don't know what I would do without you."
She really felt that way?
"But…but what if I give in and something goes bad?"
"Nothing bad will happen honey. No one is going to pull the rug out from under you here. I mean that. You are safe and oh so loved. Harlyn, these arms were meant for you."
The tears were endless now, Harlyn's heart just breaking.
"Aubrey…"
"Come here, you."
She instantly pulled Harlyn into her arms, and for the first time since she arrived, the girl gave in and didn't fight back, wrapping her arms around the woman's neck and hugging her tight as she completely broke down.
"Aubrey…"
"Shhh…Shhh baby I'm right here. It's all ok now. It's all going to be ok."
And with that, she just cried, letting out years of pain she had kept hidden away. Everything hurt, but at the same time, it was almost a relief to let it out. After some time though, she did slow down. How long Aubrey sat there and held her she didn't know, but she did, never once complaining.
"You feeling a little better?"
Harlyn, who was still curled up in her arms, nodded her head, her tears finally coming to a stop. An occasional stray one would come into view, but Aubrey kissed them all away. The woman still had a few tears of her own as well, tears in which Harlyn felt slightly guilty for.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."
"Oh no honey, trust me, these are good tears." She said warmly. "I promise. Oh my Harly…"
She squeezed the girl tighter, rubbing her back.
"I am so proud of you for telling me what you just did. I'm so, so happy that you trusted me enough to share it."
"I just…I don't want to be scared anymore…I want you…"
"And I want you, and I promise love, I will do whatever I can to make those fears go away. I mean it."
"You're already helping them disappear..."
Aubrey smiled and kissed her head.
"Aww baby, I love you so much."
Pulling away now, she eyed the girl with love in her eyes, her smile growing.
"What?"
"I got my Harly hugs…."
Harlyn finally managed to smile and snickered at the comment, looking down shyly before wrapping her arms around the woman again, hiding her face in her neck.
"Mommy, look! Harlyn hugged her by herself!"
Both the woman and child were not expecting this, the two turning just in time to see Beca put her hand over the giggling Riley's mouth. She herself was trying not to laugh, and not only was Beca and Riley watching from the door, Chloe and Piper were, too, Chloe the one with tears in her eyes.
"Oh god…are they really…"
Aubrey burst out laughing when she saw this, Harlyn going back to hiding her face.
"That is so not cool. I am never going to hear the end of this, am I?"
"Probably not."
Harlyn grumbled and peeked back out, the adorable family of four now backing away.
"Murr…I guess this means we should go back in, huh…"
"Well, we do have some more celebrating to do." She said, still hugging the child tight. "And you still have presents to open, but you know what? How about later tonight, we snuggle up and watch a movie. Just you and me. We can watch it in my room if you want."
The girl smiled and nodded her head.
"I'd like that."
"Me, too, boo. Me, too."
After a few more minutes, the two finally let go.
"Well my little one. Ready to go back in?"
"Yeah…let's go."
The two then stood up, but before they took off, Aubrey hugged her one more time and kissed her on the forehead.
"I love you so much Harlyn. Don't ever forget that."
Harlyn smiled as she hugged, the girl feeling as if she were walking on air. She had finally given in, and boy did it feel good. There were still some things she was afraid to say, like the "L" word, but she knew she'd get there. Maybe not at this moment, but definitely at some point.
"I'm happy the way things are now…I will still take things slow, but maybe now that I have hugs and stuff, other things will come easier, and one day I'll be able to tell her I love her, too, and that she really is like a mom to me. Mother….mother…"
The thought seemed so strange to her.
"Mother…with her…is that even possible?"
She finally gave in, but there is more to come! What happens next?