A/N-I'm updating again this soon because you guys really deserve it (and because i felt so guilty for skipping out on y'all for so long). Please don't hate me after you read this ;-; StopTalkingToMe: I'm so glad to see you reviewing again :) I hope everything is up to your expectations! Remi: it's good to see you back! Are you psychic? Sierrapeyton: Thank you, and definitely nothing helpful :( Kallioscope: this one's for you, haha ArkhamQueen: right, sorry, I'll be waiting for your answerr. Guest: the answer is yes.
Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever own Saints Row or any of its characters. The content of this story was not meant to insult anyone in any way, shape or form. Rated T for violence, coarse language, and mild sexual content.
Chapter Eighteen: The Breakdown
"I'm glad you're back."
Johnny doesn't turn around to face me all at once, but that's one of the things I've always loved most about him. He always takes things at his own pace no matter how much of a hurry anyone else is in. He wipes at his sunglasses once, twice, before giving up and putting them on the bridge of his nose again. Then and only then does he so much as glance at me.
"You said that already."
His expression is void of any emotion, but knowing him as long as I have I notice the slight curve at the corner of his mouth. This is Johnny smiling.
"I'm saying it again."
He lets out a low chuckle and moves towards me, an action as natural as breathing for us. We've been two sides of the same coin ever since I first joined the Saints. When I'd brought him back onto the ship just over a week ago we'd picked up right where we left off. The others were ecstatic to see him, and Matt even managed to recreate Professor Genki's S.E.R.C for us which I thoroughly enjoyed. For some reason Kinzie seems to be quite peeved at me, though. At first I thought it had something to do with me punching Matt, but then I realized that she only ever starts scowling when she spots me with Johnny.
Fuck. Every time I remember that fight it's like ice pouring into my veins. Never in my life (at least not after we became allies) have I intended on physically harming Matt Miller, but that certainty fell away in the span of less than a second nine days ago. I couldn't stop myself. It was almost as if I was watching someone else's hand colliding with his face over and over and...I had no control. Even worse, when I apologized and waited for him to hate me for it, he did something much worse. Matt forgave me. He forgave me without a single thought for himself and suddenly I realized, suddenly I knew that that would be all he ever did. He'd die trying to put me first.
I can't let him do that. If Matt dies because of me, I won't be able to live with myself. I made a choice when I took that mech and went after Johnny, I made a promise to myself: I'm going to keep Matt away from me. He's going to be okay. No matter how fucked up everything gets between us, he's going to be safe.
"You don't need to. I already know." Johnny puts his hand on my arm, a gesture of comfort, "Sorry it took so long for me to come back."
"That doesn't matter now." I assure him, leaning into his touch. Since he's been back I've felt at peace for the first time in what feels like forever. Nearly everyone seems more confident, more certain of our success since Johnny arrived. Shaundi and Pierce are positively glowing with joy and even Keith David doesn't seem unhappy about being replaced as my number two. Things are genuinely better now.
I find myself sitting alone just outside the kitchen later in the day, watching, as I down a can of Saints Flow, Johnny, Asha, and King play a round of pool. They seem to be enjoying themselves and this change in attitude is still such a welcome sight that I almost don't notice Kinzie walking into the hall and making a beeline towards me. Almost.
"We need to talk."
I glance at her through my overgrown bangs and wave my hand, signaling for her to continue. She flops down beside me on one of the many ottomans that line the wall and begins to speak.
"I know what you're going to do and you need to stop now. It's only going to make things worse."
"Kinzie, what the fuck are you talking about?" I ask, seriously confused. She rolls her eyes, seeming to have remembered that my intelligence can't hold a candle to hers, and explains her thoughts to me.
"Matt." she states, "You've been trying to push him away ever since you hurt him and you think it's for his own good, but you're wrong. You're doing it for you."
Suddenly, I'm pissed. I love Kinzie but for the past few months she's been treating me like I'm a total idiot instead of merely incompetent, and it's starting to annoy.
"Kinzie, why don't you stop talking about shit you don't understand and focus on finding Zinyak, because that's the only thing I really need from you right now."
To my surprise the only reply I get from Kinzie is an emphatic shake of the head and then the barest hint of a smile as she meets my gaze again. It seems that, as smart as she is, Kinzie is above my insults as well.
"Whatever you say, Boss," she says this softly as she pushes herself up from the ottoman, "Whatever you say."
I take Matt's outstretched hand in mine as we sit on the terrace of the old Saints HQ in Steelport, a sense of contentment settling over me after I do so. Zinyak's ship does not hover in the skyline above us. We're finally free from his tyranny and it seems like we've managed to restore Earth to its former state as well.
"I wrote you a poem." he states, a light blush coloring his face. I can't stop myself from laughing.
"Really?" I ask after I settle down, "Well spit it out then, I wanna hear it!"
He shakes his head, a grin spreading across his lips, and refuses steadfastly. I reach out to reel him in and kiss him, but as soon as my hands are on his collar he's gone. He disappears into thin air and I'm left wondering if I imagined the whole thing when another, much more hated voice rings out from behind me.
"Enjoying your freedom?"
I spin around to see Zinyak standing in the center of our drained rooftop pool, one of his gigantic alien hands clasped around Matt's upper arm. He struggles to get away from the alien overlord but finds that he can't. Instead he looks at me, his eyes wide with terror. I have to save him. My right hand flies towards my hip, reaching for the SMG that would normally be holstered there, but comes down on nothing more than air.
"Sorry about that, I couldn't have you escaping from me again." a wide smirk spreads across Zinyak's face as he speaks, "The reality of it is that you won't be able to save anyone. This is something you need to understand."
Without provocation or even the slightest hint of a warning Zinyak thrusts his free hand into Matt's chest and rips his ribcage wide open. I scream, a harsh grating sound against the silence of the city, and sprint towards them but it's already too late. Matt is dead and Zinyak is laughing as he drops the bleeding mass that used to be him onto the ground. The pool begins to fill with a liquid that gleams bright red and when I look up, Zinyak's ship has returned. I'm crying. Matt is dead and I can't do anything but cry over his ravaged corpse.
"And now, my dear," Zinyak leans towards me, "It's your turn."
His hand is in my chest before the scene fades to black.
When I wake up from the nightmare there's another scream ripping at my throat but I bury my face into the nearest pillow to keep it contained. I can't let the others see me losing my mind like this, it'll really destroy their morale. After the feeling passes I push myself up and clamber out of bed, determined to find something, anything, that will take my mind off my troubles. I'm not sure if I should be looking for advice or a bottomless bottle of whiskey.
The halls of the ship are dark as I move towards the kitchen and I don't change this fact by turning the lights on. I find that the thought of my crew finding me in this state terrifies me. It's been a while since I've considered the implications of being a leader or my capability to lead in general, so I push those notions out of my head and try to focus on getting to where I need to go. Just when I'm certain I can see the outline of a food processor a few feet in front of me, someone grabs my arm. I lash out at this unknown assailant by instinct and only when I hear a pair of sunglasses hitting the floor do I realize that it's Johnny.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he demands, releasing me and bending over to pick the sunglasses up. I realize that in my confusion I'd smacked him hard across the face.
"Sorry." my voice is weak as I answer him, "Just got a lot going on right now, y'know?"
He lets out a low chuckle and leans against some large, square structure behind him. I regret not turning on the lights when I had the chance.
"Tell me about it."
Where other people would ask me kindly, Johnny uses a command. I will never admit this out loud but everything he does is exactly what I need. We've always fit together like two pieces in a puzzle and when he's with me I feel complete.
"It's nothing." I whisper.
"Really."
"Yeah."
He reaches a hand out towards me and wipes at my cheek with a gentle finger. The action nearly breaks my heart.
"Then why are you crying?"
Without warning the floodgates in my chest burst open and I begin to sob in earnest, unable to hold it back any longer. I'm so scared. I've been scared ever since I watched Earth shatter into pieces but I've never really felt it until this moment. Until now. Johnny embraces me and I lean into him for a second, finding comfort there, before I remember. No attachments. No getting closer to anyone than I need to get, not anymore. I push him away from me and take a step back.
"S-stop it." I command, my voice shaking from the effort of keeping my tears at bay.
"Talk to me. Please."
The shock of hearing Johnny ask for something politely nearly brings my urge to burst into tears to an end, but then I meet his gaze and realize he's genuinely worried for me. The only reason I can see this at all is because he hasn't put his sunglasses back on yet. A strange ache in my heart reminds me, yet again, that Johnny Gat and I are connected in a way I've never experienced with anyone else. This is probably what forces me to speak in the end.
"Johnny, when you died I felt like I fucking went with you," I say, and I'm surprised to find that my tears aren't making me stutter anymore, "And then you were just a hole in my life that I tried to fill with anything I could. Partying, sex, revenge... sometimes a weird combination of the three."
He laughs at this and for just a moment my thoughts pause enough for me to remember who I am, what I've done. Earth got blown up because of me, my crew might someday die because of me. For me, where Matt is concerned. I want these thoughts gone. I want my mind blank and there's only one thing that could accomplish that now.
"Nothing worked. Nothing ever made me feel alive like you did and I always thought that maybe it was 'cause I was just depressed since I got the world blown to shit, but seeing you now makes me realize how much I need you."
His expression has morphed into something I can't even recognize, but I'm too far along to stop now. I barely notice him reaching for me again, as consumed as I am by my words.
"I know I'm not Aisha," I'm straying into forbidden territory now, "And I'm not trying to be, but if-"
Johnny cuts me off by yanking me forward into a kiss unlike any other I've ever had. I melt into it without any further consideration because it feels so natural, like I'm actually safe for a moment, that I don't want to stop. My mind is blank at long last, my thoughts nothing but a whisper, and I feel calm enough to let myself go.
"Wow." Shaundi can't quite meet my eyes from her perch on the walkway between the hub room and the ship's control center, "So you really slept with him."
I clap my hand over her mouth and refuse to release her even when she lets out an angry 'mmph!' in complaint. She licks my palm and I snatch it away from her, disgusted.
"Gross!" I exclaim, wiping the offended hand on my suit, "And could you not announce my sex life to the entire fucking ship? I'd really appreciate it, thanks."
She rolls her eyes, a slight grin on her face, but I'm still wondering if she's okay with this news. For the longest time I've wondered if Shaundi was in love with Johnny herself. If she is, there's no way she can be happy about this.
"Everybody knows, Boss."
My heart plummets to my stomach.
"What."
"Yeah," she begins, turning to look at me, "Apparently Johnny let it slip to Pierce and you know how he is. I just didn't know if I could believe it until now."
I feel like I'm frozen in place upon hearing this. I'd never told Johnny to keep quiet about it, so I suppose this shouldn't come as such a shock, but I now have to face the reality that Matt knows I've betrayed him. We weren't dating and it really shouldn't feel like this anymore, but it does all the same.
"Jesus Christ, I'm gonna fucking-"
Before I can say anything else the double doors to the hub room slide open and Kinzie bursts through them, her fists clenched and a furious expression across her small face. She smacks me across the face without warning and I have to grab the railing to stop myself from falling down.
"Kinzie, what the-"
"SHUT UP!" she shouts, her voice rising in pitch, "Just shut the fuck up, 'cause I don't want to fucking hear it!"
I have a split-second to recall that she overuses the word 'fuck' when she's angry before she starts again.
"Do you have any idea what you've done? What you fucking threw away when you went and fucked Johnny fucking Gat?!"
"Kinzie, back off!" Shaundi seems furious herself as she unwinds her legsfrom her seat on the railing and comes to stand between us.
"NO!" Kinzie immediately yells back, and this is the first time I've seen her dispute a direct order, "You're killing Matt! He loves you more than anything else in the world and you just keep hurting him!"
"That's none of your business." I fire back, drawn into the argument at the mention of Matt's name. Kinzie doesn't seem afraid of me either, her expression only hardening in response.
"It is, actually. You have the chance I never will."
Tears start forming in her eyes at this and I'm not sure how to keep up with the pace of this fight.
"I loved Oleg. I loved him and he loved me back and I never got to tell him. Do you have any idea how that feels? How much it fucking hurts?"
Softening, I reach forward to touch Kinzie's shoulder but she slaps my hand away.
"Don't do that. Just fix this. Please."
Without another word she turns and stalks away from us, leaving me feeling, not for the first time, that everything I do is just another mistake to add to my growing list.
"Is Shaundi into me?" Johnny asks me out of nowhere. I shrug in reply, because who even knows at this point? When I sat down beside him in the same room we'd made out in two nights ago, I hadn't expected that this would be how our conversation began.
"Why?"
He rubs his arm in an idle sort of way, something he does when he's stressed or uncertain. He's been doing it more often since we slept together.
"She's so different. It sucks if me dying did that to her."
Worried Johnny and regular Johnny don't look all that different and any random passerby would be unable to tell that he's feeling any sort of emotion at all. I shift in my seat and knock into him with my shoulder, a mischievous smirk lighting up my face.
"Are you gonna fall in love with Shaundi now?" I tease, "Get married, have little psychopath twerps?"
I wait for him to smile or maybe let out a low chuckle, but he does neither of these things. Instead he continues to gaze at me with an uncertain look that I'm not very used to.
"You're kinda different too," he says after a moment, "You used to laugh when people talked about...love. Now you're all up for it."
He'd stumbled over the word 'love' like he wasn't used to saying it. I guess that makes sense, as the last time I recall him uttering it was to his now deceased girlfriend, Aisha. I don't know how to answer him, though, so I stay silent. A few seconds later he takes my cue and speaks again.
"You think we're a mistake."
I flinch at his blunt way of putting it, but I can't bring myself to deny it.
"We're too codependent, Johnny," I mutter, "I nearly died when I thought you did and you jumped at the chance to fuck me. We depend on each other for everything and us screwing drove a wedge between everyone else on the ship."
"So?" he doesn't seem dissuaded, "Who cares? Look, if you wanted to give us being a real thing a go...well I wouldn't mind. That's all I'm saying."
It hurts to hear this when I understand so well where he's coming from. It would make sense if I was with Johnny; we would make sense together. Nobody gets me the way he does, not even Matt despite his attempts to memorize everything about me. Johnny Gat is my best friend and a damn good lay, but being with him in any other capacity is something I now realize I don't want.
"I can't." I manage to force out. He lets out an angry breath and leans back into the wall.
"Is this about that Miller kid?"
"No!" I insist hurriedly, but then shake my head, "Maybe. But he's only half of it. I love you, Johnny Gat, but I am not in love with you. And you're not in love with me."
He's motionless for a split second, a reaction to me having used that word three times in succession no doubt, but then he cracks a grin.
"You really are different."
"You'll be okay?" I ask as I stand up. He rolls his eyes in response.
"You're not that big of a catch, y'know."
I kick at his calf playfully and smile at him, feeling quite pleased with myself when he returns the expression. Maybe I've irreparably screwed things up with Matt but it seems that Johnny is still on my side. I'm hoping that someday I'll be able to convince Matt to trust me again too.
I'm sitting at the docks, trailing my toes in the virtual ocean, when he finally reaches me. I'd known he was coming to find me since he first entered the simulation and I have no urge to hide from him. It's about time we had a second chance at our break-up fight.
"Hey, Matt." I greet him when I hear his footsteps on the cement behind me. He doesn't answer me, doesn't sit down. When I turn my head to look at him, there is no expression on his face.
"Why do we keep doing this to each other?" he asks vaguely, but I strangely know exactly what he means. This doesn't mean I know the answer, unfortunately.
"I don't know."
He takes a few steps back and covers his eyes with one shaky hand. For a second I have to wonder if he's about to cry, but then I realize that I've never seen him shed a single tear before. How is it that I'm so certain I'm the heartless one when he's so stoic?
"Matt…" I begin, standing up to follow him, but he puts out his free hand to stop me.
"Don't come any closer."
I ignore his commands because I've never obeyed to anyone but myself anyway, but I never expected that he'd retaliate. Matt Miller, the lovestruck ex-boyfriend I was so sure would have died for me, uses the powers I'd gifted him to shoot a blast of ice at my feet. I meet his gaze, furious, only to see that he's just as pissed as I am, if not more.
"Why'd you do it? Why do you insist on stomping on my heart again and again when I've never even considered hurting you?"
How could he have forgotten? Prior to Zinyak's arrival the only person I'd cared about who'd ever purposely hurt me was him. I whip my hand out and send a wave of fire right at his chest, not even grimacing when it hits its mark. He staggers and I advance.
"You are the person who's hurt me worst, Matt Miller!" I practically spit his name. Right from the start I knew he'd be my downfall. I run at him, intending on ramming into him with all my might, but he speeds out of the way before I can. Fucking superpowers.
"What are you talking about?" he seems genuinely confused. I spin around and move towards him again.
"You left me!" I screech, the sound of my voice ricocheting around the abandoned wharf, "I loved you and you fucking left anyway!"
He's caught off guard by my words and I use his distraction to hit him with yet another jet of virtual fire. I'd forgotten that I'd never admitted the depth of my feelings for him to anyone, not even to myself. Matt falls back and I pounce on him, grabbing his collar and bringing his face closer to mine. I'm crying now, again, and I realize that this is the first time I've allowed myself to cry so much in two days.
"I didn't-" he starts, but I cut him off by smashing his head back into the ground beneath us.
"OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW! HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LEFT BEFORE I COULD SAY IT?!"
I raise my clenched fist to punch him, something I'd sworn to myself I'd never do again, when he uses a buffer to thrust me away from him. I fly through the air and hit the wall of one of the warehouses, sliding to the ground when gravity catches up to me.
"Have you ever considered that I wouldn't have left if you'd just fucking said it sooner?!" Matt yells back, angry again. I try to get up but he uses force telekinesis to hold me against the wall.
"Let go, asshole!" I command him, and he goes against my desires yet again.
"No. For once in your life you're going to hear someone out even if you don't want to."
He moves forward until we're nearly nose to nose again, but I know he won't physically harm me. He's always been better than me that way.
"I'm twenty-three years old. I've been in love with you for a third of my life and all you've ever done was use me. At first I was okay with that," he breaks off, just watching me struggle for a second, and then keeps going, "Not anymore. I hope you enjoyed jerking me around because it ends right fucking here!"
He raises me up against the wall behind me and my attempts to lash out at his control are completely neutralized. When did he get so strong?
"Stop."
"No."
"Stop!"
Matt drops me then and I land on the ground with a painful thud. I can't move. He turns away from me then and begins walking back towards the street, but I find my voice before he's all the way gone.
"I'm sorry, Matt." I whisper.
He freezes, his entire body shaking with some emotion I can't ascertain. For the first time I feel pain not for me, but for someone else. No matter what he thinks, I was always serious about him. Even before I knew I was.
"What?"
When he turns to face me, I already expect the mixture of confusion and hurt I see on his face so that doesn't surprise me in the least. What does surprise me is how I've never in my life wanted to touch someone as much as I want to touch him now. Not Johnny, not even Carlos ever made me feel anything like this. I open my mouth to answer him, but no sound comes out. Some unseeable force is actively controlling me again.
"I apologize ahead of time for ruining what must be a very important scene for the two of you, but your time is up."
This new voice belongs to Zinyak. He's found me. I was supposed to be safe in this simulation, but he's somehow gotten through Kinzie's defenses. I reach out towards Matt, asking for something, anything, to help me survive this, but my hand is starting to dematerialize before my very eyes. Seeing this, he runs to me instead. It's too late. Why did we ever think we could outsmart Zinyak?
I can hear Kinzie screaming something into my ear and Matt shouting out in dismay, but both of their voices cut out before I can make sense of what they're saying. My world is dark again.