A/N- You guys probably thought you'd seen the last of me, huh? Tbh, I don't blame you. I can't make any promises other than that I WILL finish this story, in fact there are only two more chapters to go after this one. If any of you are still here, this is for you. I hope you enjoy it! :)
Disclaimer:I do not, nor will I ever own Saints Row or any of its characters. The content of this story was not meant to insult anyone in any way, shape, or form. Rated T for violence, coarse language, and mild sexual content.
Chapter Nineteen: Saved
I wish I was dead.
No, actually, that's not accurate. I wish I could reverse time and undo what I'd just done, but seeing as how that's impossible, I wish I was dead instead. Before Kinzie had even begun explaining what had gone wrong, I'd already figured it out. It was my fault. If I'd been on the ship doing my job and looking out for the Saints Queen the way I should have been, Zinyak would have never been able to find her. I'd been selfish, led astray by heartbreak and jealousy to the point that I was willing to physically attack the object of my affection just to feel normal again. The Boss hadn't deserved that, she wasn't bound to me or our past relationship in any real way and I'd ignored the truth of it. Nothing Kinzie said could make me hate myself more than I already did.
By the time I was back on the ship every member of the crew was at the throat of another, arguing about betrayal and making assumptions about loyalty. I watch helplessly as Shaundi points an accusatory finger in my direction, only to have her hand slapped aside by a very furious Asha. This almost erupts into a real fight when Gat has the good sense to grab Shaundi around the middle and restrain her from retaliating. I spin around to face Kinzie, a desperate look in my eyes, when I realize that although we are so ready to blame one another, no one has yet addressed that the Boss, whose body now lays slack in her simulation pod, is not the only person who is missing.
"Keith David." I mutter mostly to myself, but somehow my voice is heard by everyone. Shaundi quits trying to pry her way out of Gat's grip and watches me with wide, fearful eyes. Pierce exchanges a confused sort of look with Asha and they too proceed to lay down their figurative weapons. Even Benjamin King seems upset by my words.
"Ain't no way." Pierce says at last, but his tone is one of uncertainty. We all know who the traitor amongst us had been now and judging by the expression on Shaundi's face, I doubt she'll be looking forward to the date she'd asked him out on if he ever returns to us.
"Why would he do that?" Kinzie asks no one in particular, "He's supported the Boss for years, why would he turn on us now?"
Pierce begins to say something, as intent on speculating the reasons behind Keith David's actions as everyone else seems to be, but I silently put up one hand to stop him. For the first time in my life, I want to murder someone in person. I've hidden behind computer screens and others who were physically stronger than me for so long that I hadn't understood what true bloodlust felt like until this moment.
"I don't care why he did it." I snarl, my eyes on the Boss's limp form, "I'm going to kill Keith David myself."
The others look at each other in surprise and I know that none of them ever expected this from me. Matt Miller isn't supposed to be the ruthless killer, Matt Miller is supposed to help keep the simulation under control with Kinzie. They've never seen this side of me before and, if I'm being honest with myself, I haven't either.
The ship is quiet for another few seconds and then Kinzie decides to say her piece.
"Then we'd better get a move on. Just make him tell you where the Boss is before you end it, alright?"
I suppose I should be alarmed by her sudden support of violence too, just as the rest of the crew seems to be, but I've known for a while now that Kinzie Kensington can be an absolute nightmare if she means to be. My face relaxes into a more neutral expression and I take a seat at HUB central.
We need to plan.
Keith David is not compliant when I find him, in fact he is half crazed. Zinyak notices the fractures in his confidence and tears him away from us, into another simulation that Kinzie struggles to help me enter. It takes some time but at last I'm in and, after some help from a strange man in a kilt, I find him. He's less insane than he was and he tells me what I need to know, but I still want to kill him. I can't. This isn't your choice to make. I repeat the statement to myself again and again until I put my gun down and walk away because this can't be up to me. The Boss is the only one who can make this decision.
I'm going to get her back.
Kinzie argues with me as I near the location Keith David had given us in the form of a series of numbers, certain that recklessness will be our downfall. Unfortunately for her, I no longer care about the greater good.
"Matt," she continues uncertainly, her voice ringing out in my year so clearly that she might be my conscience, "You need to get back to the ship, we can't just let you burst into her simulation without planning this out!"
"We don't have the time for meaningless preparations." I say, my voice devoid of any inflection, "I told her she could trust me completely, and I was wrong. Now she's gone and God only know what that fuck-up is doing to her."
"You could die. You could get her killed. You could even get us killed, please don't-"
"Kinzie, stop." a new voice speaks in my mind. I recognize it as Johnny Gat's as I come to a stop beside the old Saints HQ. I haven't spoken to him at all since discovering that he'd slept with the Boss, a choice I'd made out of anger clearly, but it seems that I'll have no choice other than to address him now.
"Look, Miller, I don't give a shit about you," he begins the conversation bluntly, "But you're right. Kinzie doesn't wanna do this, but she's going to-"
Those two words are said as an aside and I can almost imagine in my mind the pointed way with which he gives Kinzie the command.
"The only reason I'm even letting it be you that goes in after her is you've done this longer than I have. If you don't save her, you better fucking die with her 'cause you're not getting back with us."
"Stop with the bloody monologue and tell me how to find her!" I snap, annoyed. I've endured months of the others talking down to me, acting as if they're somehow above me, but I can't do it anymore. If being an asshole is what it takes to save her, then I'll try it. I'll try anything.
"Heh."
The noise he makes sounds somewhat like a chuckle, but shorter and rather darker as well. It's Kinzie that speaks next, and she instructs me to walk into the rubble that used to be our headquarters and look for something that the Boss values.
"Kinzie, there's nothing to walk into." I remark, and she groans audibly.
"Just trust me, alright? When did I ever steer you wrong?"
Many times, actually, but it's probably not prudent to point that out right now. I shake my head before doing what she tells me to, and my heart leaps up into my throat as the world around me reshapes itself into a flawless replica of the building that used to be. I walk into the elevator, caught in some dream-like trance, and find myself in the penthouse before I know it.
"This is impossible," I mutter mostly to myself, "Zinyak destroyed this part of the simulation."
"I know. He had to recreate it in order to hide the Boss away someplace else."
"Why?"
As I wait for an answer, I force my feet to carry me up the staircase that leads almost directly to the Saints Queen's room. If I'm looking for something she valued, it's likely in here.
"You already know, Matt." she says irritably, "All of our minor simulations were anchored to this one. The only place in Steelport that she cared enough about to be safely anchored to was-"
"Here." I finish, moving towards a familiar looking bed, "Thank you, Kinzie, I understand now."
She goes silent, allowing me to search for this foreign object without any further distractions. I run my hand across the bedsheets and remember, with a mortified rush, that I lost my virginity here. I turn towards the nightstand as quickly as I can and something rather important occurs to me.
"How will I know when I've found this thing?" I question.
"Not sure. If I had to guess, I'd say something weird will happen when you touch it."
It isn't much to go on but I continue my search anyway. The drawer of the nightstand opens to reveal a framed photograph of Johnny Gat and for a second I'm certain that this is it, this wretched picture is the one thing she values most in this entire room, but then I touch it and nothing happens. I suck in a deep breath, relieved, and keep on searching the room. My actions yield no results until I come upon the virtual replica of her cellphone lying at the foot of her bed. Could this be it?
Idly, I press a button on the side of the thing and the screen lights up. A text message appears upon it, black letters encased by a blue box. To my surprise, it's from me. I barely have time to read the words before my world tilts and I am falling face-first into that lit-up screen.
Good night, my liege.
When I again find myself on solid ground, the first thing I notice is that Kinzie's voice is no longer in my head. Her absence is an obvious one, and despite how annoying I find her at times I wish she was still with me.
The second thing I notice is that I'm in an unfamiliar room with grayscale walls. Events that mean nothing to me are being played back on those walls, varying faces flashing past in their square boxes, short videos reaching their end and replaying as if on a loop. Some of the faces in said videos are ones I know, Shaundi, Pierce, and Johnny Gat are visible more often than not. The room is basically empty aside from those strange and silent loops and two doors, one red and one blue, on the wall across from me.
The third and most important thing I notice-that I have ever noticed-is that the Boss is in this room with me. She's on her hands and knees and her back is heaving in such a way that I know she's crying. My muscles tense, ready for me to run to her, but then I hear Zinyak's voice ringing out from somewhere beyond.
"You must choose," he demands, and I ascertain that he hasn't realized my presence yet, "You know what will happen if you don't."
"Please," she begs, and I'm shocked to hear the way her voice breaks on the word, "St-stop it. You already know m-my answer!"
Zinyak lets out a burst of laughter and she sobs louder still. What has he done to her?
"This is your worst nightmare. I was easy on you the first time you were captured, thinking I might need you unbroken. I will not make the same mistake twice. Now, why don't we try again?"
He continues to speak over her keening and although my legs ache to run to her, something within keeps me standing in place. I'm horrified, definitely, but I need to know what Zinyak has done. I need this final reason to despise him so much that I'd be willing to die just to end him.
"Before you, I place a choice." Zinyak begins, his voice thundering over everything else, "Walk through the blue door and your species may have a chance at survival. You will continue as you were and your friends on the ship will continue to live. Well, all but one. Matt Miller will die."
The words come as a shock to me because I never expected that I'd be in any way connected to her worst nightmare. This is how Zinyak has decided to torture her? With a choice? How could that possibly be so effective? She must know this isn't real.
"Unless," he goes on to say, and I can almost hear the smirk in his voice, "You choose the red door. Matt Miller will live, but every other human left alive until this point will cease to exist. This is the moment where you can prove to be the savior of humanity or its absolute destroyer."
He's silent after that, content, probably, listening to the sound of the Queen weeping pitifully about the choice presented to her. I understand now, how he's gotten under her skin. He's destroying her not with a choice, but with the guilt she faces after choosing. My heart gives a painful shudder as I realize that she must have chosen the blue door each time. She might have loved me once, but she's always loved the Saints more.
"Fuck you." she snaps after a moment, her voice a bit clearer, "You already know my choice."
Zinyak chuckles again, enjoying this much more than any sane being would.
"Say it. I want to hear you say it aloud."
She doesn't. The Boss merely continues to cry for what feels like hours but must only be minutes. Zinyak does nothing more to press her and although the scene before me is confusing at best and heart-wrenchingly painful at worst, I still can't move.
Eventually, however, her tears dry up. She lifts her head, shifts until she's sitting upright with her legs tucked underneath her, and looks to the ceiling as she speaks.
"Matt." she says in a monotone, "I choose Matt. I will always choose Matt. We can do this as fucking much as you want, but that won't change."
My heart stops.
I feel that aching pause between beats-a singular moment in which my body refuses to work as it should-and then everything comes rushing in at once. She chose me. It was a choice between me and the entire rest of the world and she still chose me.
That thought unsticks my legs, allows me to run to her the way I've been wanting to since I first dropped into this nondescript room. I fall to my knees beside her and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her into me without even pausing to consider how she'll react to my presence. To my surprise she only leans into the embrace as if she no longer has control of her body.
"Matt?" she asks softly, optimistically, but then doubt colors her tone, "No. There's no way you'd be here, he's just fucking with my head some more."
Her certainty that she is alone in this threatens to break my heart again.
"This is real." I say firmly, ignoring my shaking limbs, "I'm real. I'm sorry-so sorry I let this happen. It was all my fault."
She lets out a snicker that is borderline maniacal and shoves away from me. I let her go, afraid she'll break if I don't, and watch worriedly as she wipes the wetness from her cheeks.
"It doesn't matter. Leave me here." she orders calmly, "You guys always looked at me like I was a bomb that was about to explode and you know what? You were right. I'm a fucking mess, I don't deserve to go back."
This statement is worse than anything I could have imagined her saying and I open my mouth to argue against it, but then Zinyak announces his reappearance.
"I stayed silent out of curiosity-God knows how you found your way in here Mr. Miller-but this is simply too boring to watch. Are all humans as pathetic as you two?"
I scowl and ignore him. As confident as he is pretending to be, he clearly has no power over my presence here or he would have done something about it by now.
"I'm not leaving you," I swear, continuing as if Zinyak hadn't spoken, "Never again. I don't care what you've done or how much you think he's broken you, I love you. I've always loved you. I won't let him keep you from me any longer."
The words are rather sappier than what I'd expected to say, but I don't regret them for a second. The Boss doesn't respond. For a moment I begin to believe that she didn't even hear me, but then she slowly turns and meets my gaze for the first time since I'd found her here. There is hope in her eyes.
"I grow weary of being ignored."
As Zinyak's words ring out above us once more, the ground opens up below her and she falls into the white-brightness it reveals. I hesitate for only a second before diving after her. I fall through nothingness for an exceedingly lengthy amount of time and it occurs to me that I have no powers right now, that because I am in a simulation that Kinzie has no control over, a death here might mean that I will die in the real world as well. Those thoughts are wiped away completely as I spot the Boss plummeting through the whiteness beneath me. It doesn't matter anymore whether I survive this or not. I came here to save her, and I won't fail.
"Mr. Miller, would you care to hear what your true worst fear is?" Zinyak speaks into my mind once again, "It's a simple one-I was rather disappointed in you when I learned it. I expected something more. My mistake of course, to think that one of this woman's underlings could possibly have some originality."
His words mean nothing to me at this point, pointless background noise when compared to the rush of my own thoughts as I lean forward in hopes of falling faster. The emptiness around me slowly changes into sky, the emptiness below slowly transforms into a city I know quite well. As the scenery warps Zinyak lets out a string of curses. This was apparently not part of his plan.
"You fear your own inaptitude. You fear that no matter how hard you try, she will never love you the way you love her. That in the end you will always be unable to save her."
Zinyak's voice is getting more desperate now, more uncertain. I burst through a line of virtual clouds and the Queen is only yards below me, her hand outstretched as if waiting for me to catch it.
"You're right to be afraid, Mr. Miller! You've never been much more than a mere boy in her eyes, a tool to be used and discarded at will!"
The sky gives way to skyscrapers and the I can make out the city streets dangerously close beneath me. He might be right. This might be it for us.
"You will fai-"
Our fingers touch. I curl mine around hers, use every bit of strength I can draw forth to pull her into me once again. The impact I was expecting does not come. Instead I find myself frozen in place only a foot or so above the ground.
Relief floods through my veins like water from a burst dam and I begin to cry as I realize that CID, the last being I expected I would see during this ordeal, is floating in front of us, holding us aloft with his own abilities. The Boss lifts her head from where it was buried in my shoulder and stares at me, eyes wide, lips trembling.
"You saved me." she says, sounding more terrified than thankful. I can't answer her, as wrapped up as I am in the joy that we're still alive, but I nod. She continues to watch me with those widened eyes for another long moment and then something falls away inside her. Her expression becomes brighter, her grip tightens on my back, and her voice shakes as she speaks.
"You saved me," she repeats, but this time her words are stricken with triumph. I nod again, ignoring the tears streaming down my face, and beam at her.
"I saved you." I whisper, before pressing my lips to hers. She accepts the kiss gladly and I feel her smiling as she wraps a hand in my hair and reels me in. My heart pounds out an unsteady rhythm-she's safe, she's alive, she's safe, she's alive- but I feel no urge to calm it. Zinyak was wrong. I would never fear failing her again.