Chapter 22

The nightmares started again. The last two nights, the nurses reported how violent Lee was during the dreams and upon awakening from them. Dr. Anderson surmised they were the result of Saturday's meeting, so during Monday's session she brought them up for scrutiny.

"Can you tell me about the dreams?"

Lee tapped his foot, anxious to leave the subject alone. He disliked speaking about his nightmares.

"Can't remember much about them. Doesn't matter, just dreams."

"Lee, dreams do matter. Nightmares can sometime tell what you've been thinking about or reveal something bad that might have happened in the past."

"Last night, well, I was in a car crash, couldn't get out."

"Did this ever happened to you?"

Lee nodded, recalling the accident earlier in the year.

"Just like I told you. Was there anything else about the dream you can remember?" The doctor gently pried.

Lee started his now familiar gesture of rubbing his thighs. "Car caught on fire. I was trapped, yelling for help."

"That part never happened, did it?"

Lee grudgingly furnished the information. "No, lots of crashes but never on fire. One did blow up, but I was well away from it."

Dr. Anderson didn't understand Lee's reluctance in discussing the nightmares. She was expecting something about Decker and the beatings since they had explored them so thoroughly. Of course, being trapped and with unanswered calls for help could be attributed to his encounter with Decker.

"What about your other nightmares? Can you tell me anything about them?"

"I'd like to forget about it." He had a haunted look on his face. Lee didn't need the doctor analyzing his dreams about fire and being burned alive, he lived it.

"It you talk about it, usually they won't bother you afterwards. You can see it for what it is, a bad dream. Why don't you try?"

Lee shrugged. "I don't know how but I was in a house, it was on fire. Flaming timbers were dropping all around me. I was surrounded by the blaze, with no way out."

Fire again, that's the third dream about burning. Maybe I'm on the wrong track thinking they were about Germany. I have to try to get more information. There are no old burn scars, perhaps he saw someone die and couldn't help.

"That would be frightening, but that was only in your dream."

"Right, I was never in a situation like that." Lee gave a nervous laugh. "I'm sure I wouldn't forget anything that dramatic."

"If you keep having trouble sleeping, I'll prescribe something to help you sleep."

"No drugs, I'll work this through on my own."

"Your choice, but if it becomes chronic I will insist." Not giving Lee a chance to argue she changed subjects. "We were discussing Decker during the last session. What happened the second time you met?"

"We never were face-to-face. He had kidnapped two scientists and was attempting to extract their formula from them."

"How was he going about it?"

Lee's mouth tightened as he visualized the damage done to the two men."Drugs and torture, his old standby. I had infiltrated the compound; however, it took three days before I had a chance to escape with the two men. Both were in bad shape but I had arranged backup to wait nearby. We managed to get safely away before the scientists broke and gave away the information."

"The two civilians, they weren't spies, simply chemists?"

"Yes, in fact what they discovered was by accident. An experiment that failed, but provided a dangerous byproduct. I'm still not sure how Decker found out about it so quickly."

"Saturday when I asked about your cruel treatment, you said it was part of the spy game. Decker did what he had to do, and so did you."

Lee spoke with a false bravado. "It's the risk you take."

Dr. Anderson pressed the point. "But these two men, civilians, were not part of 'the game.' They never signed up for that. Decker didn't care, he didn't play fair."

Lee increased the rubbing of his legs even as he sat back trying to appear relaxed. "No, he was going to sell it to a terrorist group."

"So, with all you know about what he has committed, all he is capable of doing, would you not call him evil? And a traitor?" Dr. Anderson had difficulty keeping her face expressionless after hearing about the savage treatment of the two scientists.

Evil? Traitor? He was differently a master criminal. What was he doing trying to defend someone like that?

The two nights without much sleep was making it difficult to think. Lee sought out what had become his favorite painting on the wall, the boys playing on the swing. Looking at it quieted the turmoil he was experiencing.

Face it Lee, it was your job to stop him. You go after the traitors, the terrorists. Admit it, Decker's all that and more. He couldn't say these words out loud. Lee shifted his eyes from the painting to the doctor, who sat still, waiting for his response. What could he say?

"Someone has to stop him before he becomes even more powerful." He leaned his head back against the cushions, his face showing his exhaustion, and spoke in a monotone. "I'm tired, can we stop?"

The doctor picked up the phone and spoke briefly into it. Smiling as she hung up, she joined Lee on the couch.

"Dr. Kennedy has time to see you now."

Lee quickly sat up, interrupting her. His eyes suddenly alert, was this some trick? He had spoken against Decker, would he now be punished? "I don't need to see a doctor, I'm just tired."

Dr. Anderson couldn't help but laugh. "Not even to get your casts removed? He planned on doing it tomorrow, however he won't mind getting off a day early."

Lee was already standing before she stopped speaking, happy at the news and relieved his newfound trust in the doctor had not been betrayed.

"Hold on a minute. When you are finished with Dr. Kennedy, I wanted to talk about what happened in Germany and Decker's treatment of you. Be back here at two and we'll continue our discussion."

Lee sat by the duck pond trying to carry out Dr. Anderson's instructions. He looked at his pale hands, the left still partially covered by a wrist brace. He would need to use it to regain its strength. He already had a physical therapy session with more scheduled.

His hands … Decker first grinned and then congratulated Frederick for breaking them. He apologized for causing pain and then said he'd try and help me.

I'm sorry to be doing this to you, but I accepted the job. These guys really hate you, don't they? I can't believe they want you to suffer so much. I pray you are never alone with any of them. Personally, I would be terrified. I'll try and get them to go a little easier on you.

I'm the only one you can trust. I'll try and protect you as much as possible, but they're out for your blood. I'm sure you're horrified by what these men want to do to you.

I'll take care of you. It's all over for now, Lee. You can relax. You're safe for the moment. Those monsters can't get their claws into you yet.

Remember, you have to believe what these men said, if not, the burning will start again, you don't want that to happen. It will never stop if you disobey me. You heard what they said they hate you, never stop…

Never stop…

They hate you…

Never stop.

Lee rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes attempting to block out those terrifying memories. Dr. Anderson had questioned what to call him, evil, or traitor. Lee was trying to sort out his thoughts, but the voices in his head wouldn't go away. His stomach was twisted and not in fear. It was becoming harder and harder to fight against the arguments that doctor was making.

"Sir, Commander Crane, are you okay?" A hand on the shoulder shaking him brought Lee to the present. "Sir, it's time for your session with Dr. Anderson." Lee shook his head to be rid of the chaos and looked up into Rick's concerned face. He gave a weak chuckle as he held up his hands. "Guess it's time to part company, Rick."

"Sorry sir, you can't leave me that easy. It's going to be a while until your dexterity is back." Before Lee could show his disappointment, the orderly hurried on. "But I'll bet that long hot shower tonight sounds good to you. You should stick to Polo shirts, no buttons, which will make dressing easier." Switching gears, he prodded Lee along. "The doc's waiting for you, but I could swing by and pick up a sandwich and coffee if you want."

Lee pasted a false smile on his face to escape any more questions. "No, not hungry and I can raid her coffee pot. For an Army shrink, she makes pretty good stuff."

"But it's not like the Navy, right, sir?"

The men walked across the yard, Lee thankful for the joking young man. He knew this afternoon session would be hard; it was time to talk about the last encounter with Decker.

"How are the hands, Lee? I'll sure the therapist warned not to overdo it, but knowing your history…"

"You're a worse mother hen then Chip. Don't worry, I'll behave, no way I'm getting casts back on." He took a sip from his cup and anticipated the opening move.

He didn't have to wait long for it. Dr. Anderson put down her cup and turned the whiteboard around showing the pictures of the crew. Startled, Lee jerked his head,not expecting this. She took a picture of Patterson down and handed it to Lee, at the same time reading aloud a report she had of one of their adventures where it took working together for both of them to survive.

"Stop it. That was before they all turned against me." Angrily he threw the paper away, not wanting to see the smiling face.

The doctor didn't stop. The next was of John, one of the corpsmen. She played the snippet of recording with his voice, finishing up with an explanation of what theconversationreally was about.

"I've told you, he's making this up, trying to excuse his behavior." He flung it on the floor where it landed close to the first.

One more picture was tossed on the couch next to Lee, and then the hateful words read. "What a show off, don't know how the admiral is putting up with him."

This time there was a newspaper photo taken at a charity event where Lee had his arm across O'Brien's back, both having huge smiles. She stopped to allow Lee time to absorb the information. He kept insisting it was all a conspiracy to cover up their attack on him.

"Lee, listen to yourself. A conspiracy? You are saying over 120 men, most who served honorably in the military, have come together for the sole purpose of killing you. Men who have served with you for two or three years hid their hatred for you the whole time."

"You heard the recordings, heard what they said. How can you question that fact?" Lee cried out, wishing to end the discussion. Decker's warning was ringing in his head. What a coward I am, can't even keep my hands from shaking.

"I also read the explanation of what really was said. It makes more sense that the recordings were manipulated, than all these men wishing you were dead."

"No, you can't make me accept that. I have to believe what Decker told me. Why don't you understand that!" His words were rushed, needing to stop her before he weakened further.

The doctor intensified the attack on Lee's argument. "This morning you admitted Decker had to be stopped. You told me how him sadistic he was, torturing those innocent men. How can you continue to defend such a man?"

Lee was on his feet, raising his voice and pointing his finger at the doctor, as he demanded, "Stop saying those things!"

She remained in her chair looking up at him, her voice under control. "I'm simply asking you to give me a justification for your refusal to listen to any logical explanation. I want you to give me a rational reason for your inability to accept the fact Decker messed around with your crew's conversations. They haven't turned against you. Thanks to his deviltry he has you turning against them."

Dr. Anderson punched the button again. "What a jerk, trying to be my buddy! Like to punch him in the face." Chip told me Kowalski is your 'go to' man. He's usually your diving partner."

"He wanted to hang me. When he showed up right after Decker was leaving, I heard him."

Ski's voice was blaring in his head. Break down the doors if we have to, but get Crane! I want to put a rope around his neck and lynch him from the tree out here. Why bother dragging that sorry piece of crap back to the boat. "Decker, yeah Decker, somehow he stopped Kowalski from carrying out his plan. How else do you explain that I'm still alive?" His voice was frantic as he fought to prove his point.

She remained stoic as Lee's frenzied behavior escalated. "How can you say that? Kowalski has saved your life at least twice that I know of. While that madman has done nothing but caused you pain. Look how he has injured other people. You saw with your own eyes what he's capable of. I'm sure there'll are multiple dead bodies which can be traced back to his operations."

"I can't listen to you. I have to trust Decker. I have to believe when he told me. I heard Kowalski, I hear him say he wanted to hang me." Lee's normal olive complexion was now an angry red as he screamed at her.

The doctor played her trump card, it was now or never. "No, you didn't. That would be impossible."

Once again, Lee interrupted in his frantic rush to stop this conversation. He ranted at her, his eyes flashing in panic. He was so tired; he didn't know how long he could withstand her verbal onslaught. "I heard him; I told you I heard him say those words."

"It's true he was there - but later. Ski was the person who picked up your signal and directed the rescue team to you. Before you start your 'it's a lie,' Chip told me the whole story. Kowalski and Patterson were with him the entire time in Germany, searching for you. You don't think Chip is plotting against you, do you?"

Lee didn't know what to do. He kept circling the couch rubbing his arms, arguing with himself under his breath. I have to believe Decker, he told me what would happen by listening to the others. Chip wouldn't lie. I heard those men, they hate me. What did I ever do to them to cause that feeling? Chip tried to tell me ... I can't stand the pain again. Decker is a criminal, a murderer. How can I still defend him?

Dr. Anderson was watching Lee closely, hating all the distress and anguish he was going through. He was rapidly losing what little control he had, however she had to play one more cut from the CD. Trying to stop Lee's frantic walking and draw his attention to her, the doctor held up an 8 x 10 picture of three officers standing in front of fireplace, a Christmas tree off to the side. All three wore identical Rudolph sweaters, a gift from Edith Nelson. The men had a 'what can you do' grin on their faces.

The doctor pressed the button and Nelson's voice came through loud and clear. "It was a mistake making him captain."

"Think, Lee, remember! The admiral has been as close as a father to you more than half your life. How could he betray you? He fought hard to try to get you to be Seaview's first CO. You think someone like Nelson would stand for someone he felt was incompetent to be in command, no matter how he personally felt about the man? Is that the officer who taught you at the Academy and served with you? He told you, Chip told you, the statement had nothing to do with you and Seaview. Why are you willing to continue to stand by Decker, against your family?" The doctor's voice had never risen in volume but there was a force behind her words, a force pounding away at Lee's inflexibility.

It was a mistake to make him captain; It was a mistake to make him captain… You must listen to me, don't be taken in by their lies, they all hate you, want you gone….

Lee placed his hands over his ears, desperately trying to block out the sounds. "No! No! That's not true! Nelson wanted me as captain but," Lee sobbed, "but I have to believe Decker, don't you understand? The pain, I can't go through that again. Please don't make me choose. The burning - I won't be able to stand it - you have to help me. Don't let it start again. Decker … I believe you, don't, please don't..."

Lee's hair was standing up in spikes from running his hand through it, his eyes ablaze with an uncontrolled panic, his labored breath caused by the terror he felt.

Lee fell on the floor next to Dr. Anderson, wrapping his arms around her legs, crying out, "Tell Decker I still believe him, I didn't listen to you. Can't listen to that stuff again... The pain, I can't do it again, please, please help me... I don't want to believe him… Help me... Don't let the burning start, he said it would never stop, please!"

The doctor pressed the button on the wall and ordered 2 mg of Ativan. Within a minute, the nurse appeared and gave the injection. Dr. Anderson spoke in a soothing voice, trying to calm the overwrought man. As the tranquilizer took hold, he quieted down, releasing his hold on her legs.

"Everything will be all right now, Lee. You have nothing to fear from William Decker, he can't hurt you. Your friends won't let him." She continued rubbing her hand over his back until he was silent.

Lee opened his eyes but couldn't see much in the darkened room, however there was a light coming from the almost closed door in the bathroom. There was a slight noise showing he was not alone. As the figure moved closer to the bed, he recognized Dr. Anderson.

"I thought I heard you stirring. How do you feel?" She reached out for Lee's arm and took his pulse. "Do you want some water?" Without waiting for an answer, she poured a glass and brought it to Lee's lips. He gratefully took some, and then took control of the glass. The doctor stepped back not wanting to crowd him. She waited in silence, letting him work his way out of the drug sleep.

The doctor needed to emphasize a few things while everything was still fresh, then Lee would be sedated. Sleep was the best thing right now. He finished the water and was awkwardly trying to set the cup down.

"Here, I'll take that." After returning the glass to the table, she walked over and pushed the bathroom door open, spilling more light into the room. She felt Lee's eyes following her. Back at the bedside, the doctor grabbed the desk chair and sat down.

"It's all right, take your time. It's normal to be a little dazed." She gave Lee a small smile of assurance.

Lee looked around the room in puzzlement. Finally he spoke, his voice at first rough with sleep. "I thought I'd wake up in a padded cell after my performance, not back in my own room."

"Sorry, not a single padded wall in the clinic and the moths got to the straitjackets. Could I interest you in a restraining strap or two? Besides, your performance as you call it, would rate a C+, or maybe B- with the leg clutching. Hardly worth bringing out the straps." She was working hard to keep things light; there was no need to let him think his behavior was so bizarre.

"Now what?"

"I don't know what you mean?"

"What happens to me next? Send me to a more secure hospital?" There was fear in his eyes and his voice was unsteady.

"Why would I do that when all our hard work finally paid off? You had the breakthrough we needed."

"Breakthrough, I'd call it a breakdown," Lee interjected with the shaky laugh of relief.

"That's why I am the doctor and you're the sub jockey. How about you let me do my job, so you can go back to yours?"

Lee's eyes lit up when the doctor said that. "You really think so? You think that the Navy would want me after this?"

Dr. Anderson caught the Navy, not Seaview and chose not to comment, that would come in the ensuing sessions. She pulled the cord for the nurse before explaining.

"Lee, I'm going to sedate you for the rest of the night. First, I want to have you think about something. I didn't understand everything you were shouting earlier. What I figured out, Decker threatened you some sort of punishment if you spoke up. You did that. And nothing happened to you. Think about it for a while, he can't hurt you, you're free of him."

The nurse entered with a cup holding two pills, which Lee reluctantly swallowed. Dr. Anderson was ready to leave. "Usually the pills take 30 to 40 minutes to be effective. You may want to hit the head before that. Nancy can tuck you back in bed. Remember, Decker's gone, there's nothing he can do any more."

"He can't hurt me, he can't hurt me anymore," Lee repeated softly to himself as he got out of bed and stood on his own two feet.

The brain is a very complex organ. Lee was finding this out. He had broken the control Decker had over him. He now realized the threats the sadist made could not be carried out. However, there was still the programming of what Lee believed the crew felt towards him to overcome. Throughout the next several weeks, Dr. Anderson patiently helped Lee to regain his trust and friendship for the officers and men of Seaview. Gone was the panic and fear; he no longer reacted negatively when the doctor carefully explained what each man had actually said, not the contrived conversations Boris had masterminded.

Lee and Dr. Anderson spent many of the appointments walking around the grounds. To her relief there were no more outbursts, although at times Lee became frustrated and would walk away. He could then be found sitting by the duck pond enjoying the solitude. After each session, Lee took a long walk and thought over what had been said. He needed to walk off some of the nervous energy he felt. In the latest session, Lee had brought up a story himself, laughingly recalling when Kowalski and Patterson had played a prank on Chief Sharkey, then begging their CO to turn a blind eye when he discovered it. She knew Lee was ready for the final step, face-to-face meetings.

Between Chip's visits and being freed from Decker's control, Lee was returning to his old self, not just emotionally but also physically. The last two mornings he started to jog again, no more going around in a half daze. He found himself smiling for no reason. And when shaving, he recognized the face in the mirror; gone was the haunted terror-filled eyes staring back at him. He still suffered from periods of anxiety over the coming reunion with the crew, but Dr. Anderson assured him they would lessen after the first few meetings.

Seaview's returnhad allowedChip to visit several times, taking Lee out on day passes. Tomorrow he would pick up Lee for an overnight stay in Chip's condo. A small get-together was planned with Admiral Nelson and Dr. Jamieson for barbecue and the next afternoon, if everything went all right, Kowalski, Patterson, Riley and Sharkey would stop by for a short visit.

"Are you all set for tomorrow? Chip said he would be here by noon."

"I'm nervous to see Jamie and the admiral. Not because I think they are planning any harm, that's all behind me now," he hurried to clarify, "but because of how I acted towards them. How could I have doubted them and behaved like such a coward? I'm ashamed of myself." Lee couldn't look at the doctor as he admitted these feelings. His hands were tapping the side of his legs in misery.

"You've been ill; no one is holding anything against you. We have explored these feelings quite a few times. You endured terrible sessions of drugs, torture and brainwashing. If you were delirious with a high fever, would you feel guilty for the things you said? The admiral can't wait to see you. He's been calling every day and so has Dr. Jamieson. Chip told me he barely gets home and his phone is ringing for a report about you."

"Well, you know how dads are, they can be impatient." The doctor broke out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"You just called Admiral Nelson, a 'dad.' I think everything will be fine."

"Well, um, I don't usually address him like that. Our relationship is a little hard to explain." Lee blushed at being caught in the slip of the tongue, but the crooked grin stayed on his face. His smiles hadn't reached his eyes yet, but there was a glint from time to time.

"Just relax, Lee, and enjoy yourself. Everyone is on your side."