Chapter 3: Carole: Saying Goodbye
Author's Note: I recommend tissues and a cuddly stuffed animal. I had to make this chapter perfect. For Finn, for Cory, and for me.
Note that "New Directions" includes Rory, Matt, Lauren, Joe, Sugar, and the alumni. I was too lazy to type out "Rory, Lauren, Joe, Matt, Sugar, alumni, and New Directions" every time. I don't care that Matt transferred and Rory went back to Ireland, and I don't even know what happened to Lauren, Sugar, and Joe to be honest. Just pretend Rory was in America for some reason, I don't know. The others just kept in touch once they left. Hey, if Ryan Murphy can mess with continuity, so can I.
DISCLAIMER: Glee and all related people, places, and events belong to Ryan Murphy and FOX. I also do not own any of the songs used in this fic, as they belong to their respective artists.
"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death."
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I never thought I'd be attending my son's funeral.
This isn't how it's supposed to work. Finn should be attending my funeral, many years from now, not the other way around. He should be going out into the world and living his dream. He should be on his way to a happily ever after. He hardly got to grow up. He never got to get married and have a family. He'll never get to be a father or a grandfather or an uncle or a husband. He hardly got to be a brother.
How do mothers do this? How do they wake up every morning, knowing they will never see their child again? How do they survive, knowing their child is gone forever?
At first I would wake up every morning and forget that he's gone. I would be thinking about what I had to do that day, what Finn and Burt and everyone else had going on. Then it would hit me-Finn's gone. I'm never going to see my son again.
Now I just feel empty. There's a hole in my heart where Finn used to be, and I can't seem to fill it. It feels like there will always be this Finn-shaped hole in my heart that only he can fill.
The church is beautiful; flowers surround the alter and fill the front of the church. Family members, members of the community, some of Finn's army and college friends, a few of his professors, the current and former members of New Directions, Mr. Schue. Even Rory, Sugar, Joe, Matt, and Lauren made it. Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste, even Brad, Figgins, and Sue Sylvester. Everyone who knew and loved Finn; everyone whose lives he touched.
I feel like I'm watching from outside my body through a far away television screen. The last few days have been a blur. Getting the news, making calls, making arrangements. Food and flowers sent to the house every day, loved ones with hugs and sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. Rachel and Blaine coming over almost every day, helping us get our lives back together, comforting, offering support, looking for a sign that everything will be alright.
The New Directions alumni and current members came over this morning, all looking like lost puppies. Nobody knew how to act or what to say. Everyone wished this was some sort of sick joke.
I'm jolted out of my thoughts by the music. I grip Burt's left hand tightly with my right, Kurt's left hand firmly in his dad's right. Everything is a fog as we make our way down the isle. I take my seat in the front, next to Burt. Kurt's and my hands never leave Burt's.
Rachel and Mercedes sit directly behind us, both trying and failing to keep from crying. New Directions sits together, the alumni and current members, in the same row as Rachel and Mercedes.
The girls of New Directions make their way to the altar. Tears roll down their cheeks, even Santana's, though she hastily wipes them away. We chose to fill Finn's funeral with song because that's what he would have wanted. Music touches people in ways words alone can't and expresses that which can never be expressed though words: joy, love, and sorrow.
Rachel takes the first solo, singing with emotion laced in her voice. The other girls back her up, harmonizing perfectly.
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye
Santana takes the next solo, furiously brushing away the tears falling from her eyes. The other girls sing behind her, creating a perfect harmony.
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Brittany takes over for Santana. She's not crying, but there is a look of deep, heart-wrenching sadness on her face.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Quinn takes over, singing with more emotion than I have ever heard from her. The other girls harmonize in the background, backing Quinn up perfectly.
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Tina takes the final solo, tears streaming down her face as she sings.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
The girls come together for the final lines, their voices blending together perfectly.
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
Puck, Mike, Sam, Artie, Blaine, and Mr. Schuester make their way slowly down the isle as the girls sing, carrying the casket with Finn's body. Tears roll down every face.
Finn's body.
The words hang in my head, becoming my every thought and feeling. Pain and grief are all I can feel, all I am aware of save the feeling of Burt's hand in mine. Right in that moment, the music filling the church barely masking the sounds of crying, it hits me.
My son is dead.
As the music ends, Blaine takes his seat on the end next to Kurt, who grips Blaine's hand so tightly it's turing white. I know Blaine couldn't care less. Nothing matters right now except that Finn's gone.
The others sit behind us, looking to each other for support and comfort.
The pastor comes up to the altar and does a reading: immortality, life after death, never forgetting, and resurrection. I find comfort in these words, though they cannot bring my son back. I like to think he's up there watching over us, telling everyone to stop being sad and get on with life and giving us the strength to do so.
Rachel walks slowly up to the to the middle of the altar where microphones have been set up. Taking one of the microphones, Rachel starts to sing as the music begins.
Hope seems lost, you're so scared
Not sure which way to go
Nothing makes sense
It's unfamiliar and you're feeling all alone
I'm closer than you think
I'm there when you're asleep
When you've falling down
Every second you're awake
Every moment, everyday
Call out to me now
Don't have to say a word, whichever way you turn
Don't have to worry, I'm watching over you
I'm never far away, don't have to be afraid
Look up I'll always be watching over you
I'm right here even when it seems I'm so far out of reach
Take my hands, I got you safely in my arms
Hold on to me
'Cause I'm closer than you think
I'm there when you're asleep
When you've falling down
Every second you're awake
Every moment, everyday
Just call out to me now
Don't have to say a word, whichever way you turn
Don't have to worry, I'm watching over you
I'm never far away, don't have to be afraid
Look up I'll always be watching over you
I'll protect you from the storms
When the wind and rain is falling all around you
Oh, I'm just a star away
Close you eyes and you will see,
That I've already found you
Don't have to say a word, whichever way you turn
Don't have to worry, I'm watching over you
I'm never far away, don't have to be afraid
Look up I'll always be watching over you
Don't have to say a word, whichever way you turn
Don't have to worry, I'm watching over you
I'm never far away, don't have to be afraid
Look up I'll always be watching over you
Tears stream down every face as the song finishes. Grief wells in my heart, consuming me and blocking out all other emotions until my world is once again reduced to an endless haze of sadness.
Kurt walks up to the alter to deliver his speech. His voice is surprisingly strong, though tears stream down his face as he talks.
"Finn was something I never thought he'd be: he was my brother. Not biologically, I chose to call him my brother. We dropped the 'step' a long time ago. Finn changed from someone who held my things while I was thrown in the dumpster to someone I could rely on. He wasn't afraid to stand with the glee club, getting slushied and mocked right along with us. He stood up to a homophobic, ignorant student body and told them where he stood. I don't think there was a truly mean bone in his body. He always tried to do what he thought was best, even if it didn't turn out like he thought it would. He was a leader, both in glee and on the football field."
"The week the glee club did theatricality, Finn came to school in a red shower curtain dress. Two football players were picking on me, and the entire glee club was standing in the hallway in KISS and Lady Gaga outfits, ready to take on two bullies for me. Finn was right in front, telling them not to mess with me. That's when I knew we might have been a circus and dysfunctional at times, but we were a family."
"Then the nest year my dad married his mom, and we became step brothers. We had our disagreements over pretty much everything, but at the end of the day we were there for each other. He was always willing to talk and try to help, even if he didn't know what to do to make the situation better. He drank warm milk with me and he didn't care that I was more...feminine...than other guys. We were brothers, and that was all that mattered. Finn made the effort to get to know me instead of making assumptions about me and ignoring my existence. He put up with my obsessive show tune playing and the times I tried to reorganize his closet. I put up with his video games at all hours of the night, his dirty socks in the hallway, and his football games on TV. We were close because we both wanted it. We worked hard for the relationship we had, and I'm grateful for every day I got to spend with him."
"I just never imagined him dying. I knew it was a possibility when he joined the army, but I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't lose another member of my family; our parents couldn't lose their son."
"I can't believe I'll never talk to him again. I don't want to believe it. I want to believe he'll come back like always; I want to believe he's just a phone call away. It feels like I was just starting to get to know who he truly was. We need to remember that Finn would have wanted us to keep moving and doing what we love. He would never want us to forget what music is all about: opening yourself up to what can't be said in any other way. He wouldn't want us to stop living our lives because of his death. Every time we can't remember a dance step, every time we bump into something, every time we want to take the easy way out instead of doing what's right, Finn will be there, telling us to take the risk, that doing the right thing will be worth it in the end." Wiping the tears from his eyes, Kurt returns to his seat. Burt wraps his son in a hug, tears streaming down his own face.
The knives return to my heart and it's all I can do to stop myself from screaming my pain out to the world. Anything to rid myself of the ache that won't go away, the hole in my heart only one person can fill.
The entire New Directions, past and present, gets up on the altar steps. Artie, Puck, and Sam take acoustic guitars and Brad sits at the piano. The drum set is left empty.
The music begins, and I instantly recognize the song-the one many have dubbed the New Directions theme song. One song I could never get tired of, no matter who many times I listened to it. It might not be what one would expect at a funeral, but for Finn's it's perfect.
Puck takes the first solo, singing with emotion and looking at the empty drum set.
Just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Rachel takes the next verse, already crying but managing to sing perfectly.
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere
Mike comes in for his solo, tears already streaming down his face.
A singer in a smoky room
Tina takes over for Mike, her face shining with tears.
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
Tina and Mike join together for the next verse, their voices blending together perfectly.
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Santana, Sam, and Ryder take the next lines.
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows
Searching in the night
Streetlight
People
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night
Kurt takes his solo, his eyes filling up with tears as he sings.
Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Blaine joins Kurt, emotion filling both their voices but not hindering their sound.
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Santana takes the next solo, her eyes full of grief.
Some will win
Puck joins Santana, both of their voices strong despite their tears.
Some will lose
Some are born to sing the Blues
Mercedes and Artie take the next verse and chorus.
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows
Searching in the night
Streetlight
People
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night
Artie moves back as Mercedes takes her solo.
Don't stop!
Quinn and Sam come together with New Directions, their voices blending perfectly.
Don't stop believin'
Rachel and Rory take the next solos, the rest of New Directions coming in on the fourth line.
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlights
People (Yeah!)
Don't stop believin'
Kitty and Jake take the next solo, their voices blending together despite their tears.
Hold on to that feeling (Yeah!)
Marley and Blaine's voices blend together perfectly with the rest New Directions backing them up. Not one eye is dry.
Streetlights
People
Rachel, Unique, and Brittany take the final line, the rest of New Directions backing them up perfectly.
Don't stop!
The altar clears as one by one the members of New Directions go back to their seats. Mr. Schue gets up and walks to the podium, unfolding a piece of paper as he walks.
"Finn joined football to be popular, but he joined glee because he had a passion for music. Three years ago, I never would have guessed that the quarterback, the kid who used to pick on the glee kids, would become someone who was like a son to me. Finn once told me that, before he joined glee club, he didn't have a father. He didn't have someone to teach him how to be a man, he said. To Finn, I was that person, and I'm honored to have been."
"Finn was the quarterback of glee club, too. He gave up on us once, but he came back and after that he never left. But that isn't what I want to focus on. I want to focus on the happy memories, the things that made Finn who he was. Finn was more than my student; he was part of my family, just like all the glee kids. Finn always tried to put others before himself and to do what he thought was right. Sometimes he was misguided and acted before he thought, but he always tried to make things right. His heart was always in the right place."
"I think one of my favorite Finn moments was the week of Grilled Cheesus. For those of you who don't know, Finn was making a grilled cheese sandwich one day and when he went to eat it…he thought he saw Jesus's face in the bread." Mr. Schue manages a smile at the memory. "So anyway, he spent the whole week praying to this sandwich. He asked Grilled Cheesus if he would help the Titans win their first football game because it would mean a lot to Artie."
"There were so many things that made Finn who he was. His unique way of looking at the world, his big heart, his clumsiness. He really cared about his friends and family, and he hated to see them fall. He always tried to bring everyone's spirits up. One of the last things he said to New Directions was 'We are not gonna eat, sleep, or breathe until you've blasted your way through Regionals and earned your rightful spot at Nationals.' He wanted so much for New Directions to succeed because he cared about glee. He was so passionate about glee, about the music, about teaching. He would have made a wonderful teacher. I thought I'd be teaching alongside him for years to come, joking about the good old days when the New Directions was nothing more than a band of misfits."
The knives return to my heart once agin, digging in and ripping my flesh apart. Kurt walks up to the altar to close out the service. He wipes his eyes as the music begins.
It's funny how
The walk of life
Can take you down
Without a fight
So many years
Can leave behind
Regretfully until it's time
To realize the moment
When you turn around.
I'm coming home
To breathe again
To start again
I'm coming home
From all the places
I have been
With nothing
But a voice within
That calls me...
Calls me home
Back in the day
When I was younger
I was so lost and proud
I've gained the world
But it will never
Compare to what I've earned
In the quiet moment
When the earth holds still
I'm coming home
To breathe again
To start again
I'm coming home
From all the places
I have been
With nothing
But a voice within
That calls me...
Calls me home
Calls me home
I'm coming home
To breathe again
To start again
I'm coming home
To breathe again
To start again
I'm coming home
From all the places
I have been
With nothing
But a voice within
That calls me...
Kurt's song finishes, and for the first time since Finn died I feel the knot in my stomach loosen and the pain in my heart subside just a little bit. In that moment, I know that everything is going to be okay. Not today, not tomorrow, and maybe not next week, but it will be.
For Cory Monteith.
Rest in peace.
"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."
-Cory Monteith
The songs are:
"The Call" by Regina Spektor
"Watching Over You" by Keri Kimmel
"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
"Calls Me Home" by Shannon LaBrie