SPN; Fighting For Nothing

By: Paraflymore

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Supernatural and if I did I would be way nicer to them all.

A/N: I hope that last chapter wasn't too rushed. I admit I don't feel like it was my best writing... But I am anxious to get to the later chapters in the story and I suck at patience. I also changed the ending a bit, so if you haven't read the newer version, you might want to check it out before this chapter.

Summary: Pain is never permanent.

Fighting For Nothing

Chapter Five:

"Don't Let Me Fall"

When she was a little girl, her momma used to let her stay home from school when it rained. They would spend the entire day in their pajamas listening to her Janis Joplin records and eat up all the junk food in the house. It was tradition. And Lila was laying in her bed watching the rain slide down her window thinking about those days and how she never really appreciated them...

It seemed fitting that it was raining today, the first day she woke up and her momma was gone.

Was she really fucking gone?

It was still hard to believe.

She still had her blood under her fingertips.

Lila got up with a start and busted into the bathroom. She turned the hot water all the way on and waited until their was steam rising from the sink. She took the bar of soap and starts scrubbing, clawing at it, trying to wash it all away.

Someone knocked on the door and Lila told them to leave her the fuck alone.

She did not want to be bothered with anyone.

"Lila."

The sound of his voice seemed to find its way through the noise in her head.

"Open the door, please?"

Without even thinking she unlocks the door and Dean slips inside. His hair is wet and he smells like rain. Lila turns the hot water off and wipes her hands slowly on a towel. He reaches for her hands, they're red and a little sore but his hands are gentle. She doesn't mind him touching her at all.

"I went to check on you and you were gone."

"Did y'all do it yet?"

Dean shook his head. He knew exactly what she meant and he did not want to say it out loud. Everything was ready, they were just waiting for the rain to pass. "I uh- I want you to know that I'm here. I'm here for you."

She looks up at him. "Doesn't matter... you will just take off sooner or later and I'll be alone." Her voice breaks and Dean pulls her into a hug. He wraps his arms tightly around her, trying his best to keep her from falling apart. He knows how she feels, that pain, he's felt it too, he knows what its like to lose your mom.

"I got you," he promises.

…

John Winchester made a promise to a dying woman that he intended to keep, even if it was the last thing he did. Arlene grabbed his hand, covering it in blood, she looked right into his eyes and begged him to keep her daughter safe.

He promised, because what else could he do?

She was like his own daughter.

His eyes drifted to the spot on the floor where Arlene took her last breaths. That ache in his chest found it's way up his throat and he took another long drink of whiskey. He hates himself for not being able to save her. She was just another women he loved that he couldn't save. Another cross to bear, more blood on his hands.

The stairs creak behind him and he looks up to see Dean coming down the stairs. He looks pale and like he's sixteen years old again. It hurt, seeing him like that. John knew his son was a lot like him when it came to guilt and blame and Arlene was another blow to his son.

"How is she?"

"She's getting dressed. She wants to start making calls and stuff..."

John takes another drink. "I don't know how long I can stick around here, I have a few things-"

"I could stay, I could help her arrange things."

He let out a breath.

"Don't."

"Do you really think its a good idea? The two of you?"

Dean shrugs. "Do you?"

John took a long drink. "I think its a bad idea."

He nods, looking up at his father. "I'm pretty sure it is too, but, she needs somebody right now."

"And you?"

"Maybe I need someone too."

…

Lila hung up the phone and looks up from the black book in front of her. Her mother had over three hundred phone numbers written in her journal. Her friends were scattered all over the country, and Lila was getting tired of telling people she was gone.

She thought it might get easier the more she said it, but it was worse. Every time she went to say the words out loud she choked, and tears filled her eyes.

She was done calling people.

Dean slides a cup of coffee towards her. She eyes it before taking a drink, her nose wrinkles up and she scoots it back. "Not enough sugar."

He smirks, "So basically a little coffee with your sugar and creme."

She nods, rubbing her temples. "My head hurts."

"You want some aspirin?"

She shakes her head. "You're creeping me out, being so nice to me. It's fucking weird." She opens the cabinet up under the sink and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. Jim Beam, her mother's favorite. It was from the year Lila was born and her mother had been saving it for a special occasion.

Dean eyes her, watching her take a long drink straight from the bottle.

"To Arlene Beatrice Dawson." She says, holding the bottle out and taking another long drink.

"Beatrice?"

"My grandma was weird." She says laughing.

Dean smiles, it was good to see her happy even if it was short lived.

"She used to tell me that pain was never permanent, but this-" She touches her chest. "feels like it is going to last forever."

"People say all kinds of stuff about death, they'll tell you they're sorry and they will pray for you and all kinds of crap that they think is comforting. It doesn't get better, you just get better at living with it. You wake up one day and its okay, and other days its not. But the good has to outweigh the bad..."

"You don't get enough credit," she says, "you're smart."

He smirks.

"Don't let it go to your head Winchester."

He clears his throat. "I- I'm gonna stick around for a while, if that's okay. Dad has some stuff to take care of in Boston..."

"What's in Boston?"

"I learned to stop asking questions a long time ago."

Lila nods, "So- we'll burn her tonight then?"

He tries not to wince at her words but it is nearly impossible. "If you're ready."

"I will never be ready." She took another swallow. "But it's not up to me."

…

There was a million things that Lila wants to say about her mother, but she could not form the words. She watched with tear filled eyes as her mother burned to ashes. It was hard, probably the hardest thing she would ever have to do, but Lila knew she could handle it.

She was strong.

Weakness did not sit well with her.

Dean was standing next to her, close enough where she could feel him but just far enough away that he wasn't touching her. He had his hands in his pockets and his face was trained on the flames. John was on the other side of the fire, and Lila swears she sees him wipe his eyes a time or two.

It was strange because she was still waiting to wake up, still waiting for all of this to be a dream.

Without even thinking about it she reaches for his hand. Their fingers lace together slowly. It was such a simple gesture, something Lila had done a thousand times before with countless other guys, but something just felt right about holding Dean Winchester's hand.

…

John left early that next day. He told her goodbye, slipped a credit card in her hand and told her to call if she needed anything. He kissed her on the cheek and that was it.

Lila is making a pot of coffee when Dean walks in from helping his dad with his bags. She feels him standing close behind her and when she turns around he is smirking at her.

"Do you want breakfast?"

Lila shook her head. "I'm not really hungry."

He nods, reaching for a cup from the top shelf.

She had the overwhelming urge to go lay in her bed and cry, but that was not an option. She had a million and one things to do before her mom's friends showed up the next day and she did not have time to miss her. "I have to go through all of her things, the things I want to keep, and what I want to give away."

Dean nods, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "I'm ready whenever you are."

Lila sighs, slowly stirring the cream into her coffee. "I don't want to deal with anyone."

"You could tell them not to come."

She shakes her head. "That would be selfish of me... she belonged to them too."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do," he touches her arm, running his thumb across her skin.

She smiles up at him but it doesn't touch her eyes. "Are you real?"

His hand creeps further up her arm. "Yeah,"

Was it wrong that she wants to kiss him? That her entire body was aching for it?

Did that make her a horrible, awful person?

"You don't have to be here, nothing is keeping you here..."

Dean's eyes bare into hers, he leans in close, his hand creeping up to tuck her hair behind her ear. "I'm here for you."

"Why?" Her voice breaks and something inside his chest does the same thing.

"Are you gonna make me say it out loud?"

Lila nods.

She needed it spelled out for her.

He sighs, and his forehead touches hers. All Lila can hear is the sound of her heart beating in her chest, and she's wondering if he can hear it too. "I like you... and I have been fighting with myself over it since we showed up here three weeks ago."

It felt like the floor fell out from under her.

She had this dream before too, and she always woke up right at this moment.

"There isn't anything to fight anymore..." His voice is barely a whisper, and it hits her hard in the gut. Like that first hill on a roller coaster, that first drop that sends you flying over the edge. His lips brush slowly over hers, and in that moment the entire world is unveiled behind her eyes. All she can feel is him, he is every where.

Lila reacts in kind, her hand gripping tightly to the front of his shirt, she pulls him in closer, presses her lips hard onto his his.

He was kissing her back to life.

Her mother had a lot of friends. Lila never really realized this until they all start showing up. Some of them Lila hadn't seen since she was a little girl. Some of them she had never met before. The string of exes that made there way through the house was a show all its own.

Then there was Del Larue.

Del was her mom's best friend. They had known each other since they were kids and when Lila saw her walking up her driveway she sprints off towards her, tears already burning her eyes. She was picturing all those nights she sat and listened to them gossip and reminisce about the good ole days while taking shots of whiskey.

"Hello baby." Del says, wrapping her up into her arms.

Lila starts crying, she can't help herself.

"You are more beautiful than the last time I saw you."

Del wipes the tears from her cheeks, her caramel colored skin is shimmering in the sunlight. Lila had always been amazed by the color of her skin. It was almost perfect. "I missed you Del."

"I missed you too sugar." She kisses her cheek. "I hate that its under these circumstances that I'm here."

"I'm just glad to see you." Del tucks her under her arm and they head up towards the house. Dean was standing on the porch watching them.

"Who's this?"

"Dean Winchester." Lila says, giving Del a smirk.

"Well it's very nice to meet you Dean Winchester. I have heard a lot about you," She extends her hand to him, but not for him to shake, for him to help her up the stairs.

Lila shook her head and watches her check him out. Del was not shy about anything, and men were definitely high on that list.

"Honey, that boy has an ass you can bounce a nickel off of."

Lila choked on her coffee, and she reaches across the table to smack Del playfully on the arm. "You're horrible."

"No. I'm an old lady, and it has been a very long time since I have been with a man of his... caliber."

She rolls her eyes.

Dean comes in with the box that Lila had written Del's name on. He sat it on the table and Del smiles up at him like he hung the moon and stars for her. "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome." He sits down at the table and Del opens the box slowly. Lila can feel her eyes tearing up but she refuses to start crying again.

She pulls out her mother's old yearbook and her eyes meet Lila's with tears in them. "I can't believe that she is really gone..."

Lila nods. She knew that feeling all too well.

"I just talked to her last week on the phone." She brushes her hand across the yearbook.

"What did she say?"

Del smirks, and her eyes shift towards Dean. "Well she said the Winchesters were visiting. She also said that you and her were on the outs..."

Lila traces the rim of her coffee cup. She was chewing on the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. She hated this, hated that she was always on the verge of tears. All it took was one word or a smell or a glance at her mother's picture and she was crying.

It was starting to get old.

"She loved you more than anything."

Lila nods. "I know she did."

This past tense bull crap was getting old too.

"I'm always here for you honey, anything you need, I'm here." She reaches for her hand, giving hers a squeeze. "You are my family."

Lila got up and threw her arms around her neck. She held on to her tightly.

She was not going to cry, she was done fucking crying.

At least for now.

Del left late that night. She made Lila promise to call her if she ever needed her, she made her promise a dozen times actually. She gave Lila a letter that she said she should open when she was ready, but Lila knew she wasn't ready for it yet...

Whatever it was.

She watched her silver Cadillac disappear down the dark country road until she couldn't see it anymore. Her heart was aching, and she clutches the letter to her chest, trying to will the pain away. Her momma told her that pain was never permanent.

But she was starting to wonder, if this ache was going to last forever.

…

She woke up screaming that night, calling out for her mom in muffled sobs. He woke up as soon as she shifted in the bed. He grabs a hold of her and pulls her on his chest, "It was just a dream." He coos, kissing her temple. He could feel her pulse racing.

Lila took a deep breath, trying to breathe steadily. She was still crying and he could feel the front of his shirt getting wet. "No." she whispers. "It happened."

He smooths her hair down, trying to comfort her but he could feel her shaking still.

She draws in another ragged breath. "I can't stand it here anymore..."

"Where do you want to go?" He pressed his lips into her forehead. "I'll take you wherever you wanna go." even if he had to build a fucking rocket ship.

Lila tucks her face into the crook of his neck, her breathing was calm and steady. She was tracing small circles on his chest. "Nevada." She whispers.

"Why Nevada?"

"I've never been to the desert."

He chuckles and runs his hand slowly up her back. "It's just dry and hot."

"Las Vegas."

"You got me there."

"Or maybe somewhere with a beach."

"I hate the beach." He says quickly.

Lila raises up and looks at him like he has lost his mind and it makes him laugh. "Why?"

"Sand gets every where."

"I look really good with a tan." She says, pressing her lips to his.

He touches her cheek, weaving his fingers into her hair, deepening their kiss. "I bet you do..."

"Can we really go somewhere?" She breathes, pulling her lips only inches away from his as she asks it. "Just like that?"

He nods.

She touches her forehead to his. "Take me away."

"Right now?"

She nods. "Yes."

He couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She smacked his chest playfully and rolls off the bed. "I can be packed in ten minutes..."

And that is how they ended up on the road.

No where to really go, but the possibilities were endless.