But he traded everything, for suffering.
Gon's arms never squeezed so hard in a hug as they did when Kurapika and Leorio were there, waiting with open arms and big, welcoming smiles. Killua was happy to see his friend so jubilant; it really had been too long since the four of them had been together again like this. All three of them were laughing, Leorio punching lightly at Gon's shoulder as they chattered, Kurapika just nodding away in agreement all the while.
Killua kept his distance, letting them share this moment between the three of them without his rude, snide comments and snarly banter. Killua always had been the mood killer; at least mainly for Leorio's sake, so he didn't want to just jump the gun and interrupt a happy reunion. Not yet.
Not with how Gon's mood had spiraled in a down turn lately. The risk wasn't worth it.
"Come on, Leorio! Kurapika! I want to show you guys something!" Gon's words broke through his hazy thoughts, snapping Killua's head up in surprise. "You're going to love it! Come on, Killua, you too." He motioned for the snowy-haired teen to follow and he, of course, willingly obliged.
The four of them soon found themselves sitting in a booth at a small restaurant Killua remembered visiting much too often with Gon; before the incident had happened. They served the best chocolate cakes here. Killua had indulged himself once too many times and either Gon was carting him off kicking and screaming or the waiters and waitresses were chasing at him with mops and brooms to get out; because he was eating all their supplies of chocolate in one sitting and they just couldn't have that, now could they?
The words Gon was rambling insistently to Leorio and Kurapika was lost to Killua, feeling his own eyes sink in the more time passed listening to the static and buzz of his three friends talking so happily, so lively, that he almost worried it was because he just wasn't used to this.
Used to this kindness, this joy.
It was only when Gon had jabbed him in the shoulder, rather hard, that snapped him from his scattered, troublesome thoughts.
"Hey, Killua. I'm going to be right back a moment." Gon said, Killua dumbly staring at the faint patches of blotchy, red skin starting to fade in around Gon's mouth he hadn't noticed before, "Bathroom. Will you order the usual for me?"
"Uh, yeah, sure." Killua answered and his blue eyes never left Gon as he stood up and eagerly trotted away and out of sight, a hand oddly shoved in the small pouch slung at his waist the entire time until he was gone.
"Killua." Leorio's voice came next, scrutinizing gaze trained on Killua, predatory almost. "Is something going on we should know about?"
Swallowing the lump that hadn't been there before, Killua gulped. His sense of dread was back, impeding and looming like a overhang of spikes that are almost impossible to escape in the movies. But this wasn't the movies; this was real life, and Killua often wondered if he'd even be able to wiggle his way out of this one. "What do you mean? Nothing is going on."
"Yeah there is. Killua, it couldn't be more obvious if you tried." Kurapika followed, his hands folded on the table in that typical discreet; calculating manner he always did when he was deep in thought. Killua knew he wouldn't be able to avoid it now, not with Kurapika's knowing, nagging self on his case and Leorio; the ever annoying background preacher. "Something is up with Gon and you know what it is."
"What gives you that idea? Gon is Gon. There's nothing else to say about it."
"He smells." Leorio put in the most bluntest way possible. "Like drugs. And so do you. I'm practicing to be a doctor so I pretty much know all the wide range of drugs; including the bad stuff."
"That's because we passed by a huge smoker's lounge on our way to meet you! The smell probably clung to our clothes with how much was filling the air."
"A quick passing through a smokers lounge wouldn't make you guys stink this bad. Your clothes smell like they're saturated in it. Especially you, Killua." Kurapika pointed out, his face obviously speaking that he didn't buy Killua's excuse in the least.
"I can even see some of that white, powdery stuff on your back pockets and shirt, Killua. It's easy to recognize what it is."
"Look, you guys, it's just-" Killua tried to defend himself, really tried, but the reprimanding stares from both of what he would consider his closest friends (after Gon) was heart breaking. His chest tightened, twisting in knots, and he flapped his gums uselessly in defeat, head hung slunk low with a losing sigh. He didn't realize he must had gotten some of Gon's meth on his clothes; he knew they often mixed their things when they lazily wold pile up clothes in random places along their hotel room floor. Some of the almost-emptied baggies Gon had earlier may have winded up in there, too.
Of course, Killua's luck had to be rotten of all things, today.
"You don't have to tell us, if it's that hard. But whatever you're doing, is stupid. Really, really stupid." Leorio spoke, tone as calm as ever, but Killua knew he was angry and the anger from yet another one of his friend's in the span of a week was something even Killua hadn't trained himself enough to deal with. Not in his entire lifetime, really.
"But we aren't-"
"Whatever is going on, Killua, you better stop. It's a bad influence on Gon. You know he'd follow you into whatever it is you decide to do. But don't let your bad choices lead a the naive kid astray. It's not right."
"It wasn't-!"
"You know he'd do anything you told him, too, Killua. Listen to Leorio, here. He and I both know that this isn't the kind of thing you should be getting into. It's a dangerous game you're playing if you think Gon wouldn't follow your lead. He's your friend and he dotes on you like a puppy. Of course he would listen and do whatever it is you tell him to do. But don't mix him up into a situation he's not ready for. It really isn't fair. Not on him and not on yourself."
"But-"
"Yeah, Gon's just an innocent kid. He doesn't deserve to be caught in all your underground business."
"I'm not-"
"Killua. You better be the smart and responsible one of you two, because if you aren't, then you should be prepared to face the consequences."
"No-"
"I know you don't like your family and I know you probably don't like dealing with all that shady stuff, but be smart, geez! Gon and you are just teenagers. Don't do this to yourself so soon!"
"You're wrong-!"
The cracking of splintered wood under his nails snapped him from the impending break down Killua was about to burst into, and if it hadn't been for the bit of blood flecking on his claws, he'd probably had snapped. But the grim reminder from the pain lancing his hands all the way to his heart, was enough to keep him sane.
"Are we? Are we wrong, Killua?"
The pair of eyes on him was engulfing every inch of Killua's last vestiges of rightfulness, the very small fibers and strings that were still keeping him intact; whole. He knew he had made a mistake, but he really didn't need to have it rubbed into his face so, so, forcefully.
"..No."
Regrettably, Killua hung his head low; shamefully acknowledging their words. Covering Gon's tracks. Like he always did. For Gon. He would do it to protect Gon.
"Okay." he said, mouth dry, body numb; hollow and empty again, "I'll stop. For Gon's sake."
That was the first of many times Killua took the blame for Gon's mistakes and he clutched onto every moment like a lifeline.
A brutal beating indeed. Lying.