"Three days, no sleeping."
Killua rolled over on their make-shift bed of leaves and sticks situated on a cool, damp spot of the forest floor; just so he could stare at the back of Gon's head. As hard as Gon was pretending, he just couldn't fool Killua into believing he was asleep. It was easy to tell when someone was stuck in that familiar sleep pattern; the way their bodies rose and fell, their very own breaths, and the flutter of their eye lids and mouth. Right here, Gon was stiff as a plank of wood and constantly fidgeting so their bed of leaves never quite stayed in place. His movements were jerky, like he had something lodged uncomfortable up his ass and trying to move even an inch made him seem like a broken-down robot. The uneven, hoarse whispers and gasps Gon gave off was more then enough stipulation to know he was wide awake; struggling to rest, and that was what had Killua on edge more then anything.
Three days. Gon hadn't slept for three days.
They thought Greed Island would be a piece of cake, really, but it was becoming more of a pain in the ass then any. Not only did the game require a certain currency to buy anything (all their saved up cash was a waste to bring), but the people competing were brutal about attacking those who didn't carry any appropriate spell cards on them every time you got your hands on something useful.
No amount of bullshitting around got them any luck whatsoever.
So, dirt poor, likely flooded with a long list of identifiable spells they had no clue were the side effects, and nothing much in their stomachs; the two boys resolved to staying as far away from the nearest city as possible. At least until they found this 'Masadora' or whatever; the city of magic, and finally get a one-up on all the other players.
And even now; huddling close for warmth in the woods, trying to out beat the cold, was the least of their problems really even if Killua wasn't remotely prepared to handle the uncomfortable closeness they shared between them since.
It was the lingering odor of chemicals that made the sores in Killua's mouth ache, nothing like the ache Killua knew Gon must be in drug withdrawal.
As far as anybody knew, methamphetamine may not exist on Greed Island, which meant Gon was without for the duration of their stay until they found a way back to the real world. Alcohol was another story; alcohol existed everywhere. While Killua could make do, it was Gon he fretted over. Even against the harsh berating from Killua, Gon insisted to go cold-turkey and abandon drugs altogether for his friend's sake. Make 'amends' he said. Be 'better' he said. Drug 'free' he said.
Gon said a lot of things but Killua doubted he'd remember even half of them.
He figured; no, knew Gon was realizing his terrible mistake right about now that Killua had warned him about, because he would not stop shaking. Every limb of his was trembling, uncontrolled and jerky movements that occasionally kicked out where they laid; adding to the long list of bruises Killua kept so tight-lipped over. It's for Gon's sake, Killua reminded himself, even if the pain tried to protest otherwise and deter him from his path towards forgiveness.
Killua wouldn't be taking that apology anytime soon until Gon smelled like pine needles and wood again; like the forest trees and fresh autumn leaves as he should be.
But, he did regress; he did feel some semblance of Gon's pain, truth be told. Killua wouldn't admit to himself on the matter, but he had developed his own problem in the meantime; using his alcohol binge as a crutch to shoulder the heavy emotional burden of having a drug addict for a best friend. Hell, most of his money and then some had gone into booze, recycling the bottles and cans to help pay towards the next load. Alcohol had taken precedence over his ever-present love for sweets and chocolate – Killua still wondered how it became so wrong, so fast. The buzz and fog of that bitter, terrible-tasting liquid had become his own brand of poison; something Killua was slowly finding he couldn't bear without.
And now, as they lay curled up together; shaking and quivering in unfulfilled need, Killua knew exactly how Gon felt abandoning his drugs for his best friend's sake. He missed his temporary support more then ever right now, but, he needed to be Gon's support right now instead.
Gon needed him. Still needed him, didn't he? Could he still be his crutch, even now?
"Gon." Killua said quietly, voice cracking from the strain of his own shakes, as he reached out and touched that shivering, tensed-up shoulder. Gon gasped, the cool skin on the exposed nape of his neck tickling, but he didn't move; only stilling. "Gon, turn around."
He did and Killua saw those shimmering, golden hues brimmed in silver blue tears; the moonlight cast between the branches overstretching the night sky making Gon look more starry-eyed then ever. His yellow eyes were like his own personal fireworks show. Killua was breathless; the magic he'd missed seeing in Gon finally shedding that light since what's felt like forever, and he couldn't tear his gaze away as he stared, helpless. He was so entranced by the beauty of his best friend that he totally forgot the fact Gon was crying and he had to smack both sides of his face a moment just to bring himself back out of his sick fantasy and trade it for reality.
The lack of alcohol was making him sentimental.
"Gon, are you okay? Why are you crying? What's wrong?"
"I'm okay." Gon answered, voice distraught but controlled, and a smile forced its way onto his lips that shouldn't had been there. He scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his wrist a moment and those pearly droplets were gone. Those amber irises were a little dimmer because of it, Killua noticed. "I'm just a little upset. I didn't think Greed Island would be this hard."
Liar. You're going through withdrawal.
"Neither did I." Killua admitted against those contradictory whispers in the back of his head, ashamed at himself. He was supposed to be the 'game' expert; spending countless years wasting his childhood away indulging in the world that was mindless made-up lands with no benefit to his life whatsoever. He expected himself to have been better at this, but he was not, and he was most ashamed for it indeed. "Maybe we weren't as prepared as we thought we were."
"Ne, I'm cold, Killua." Biting his lower lip, Gon looked up and Killua had to tilt his chin higher so his bangs wouldn't deceive him of the expression Gon was giving him. "Can I hug you? You know – share body warmth?"
Swallowing nervously, heat hovering at the edge of his jawline and threatening to reach his cheeks at the thought of Gon's arms around him, again, in such a state as this one. They were alone this time; perfectly and utterly alone, and both were feeling pretty damned emotional. And Killua really wanted to be cuddled for some unexplained reason. If Gon was willing to offer, could he really say no? This would be a perfect opportunity as any to indulge a little. Just a little. Right? They had been through a rough and hopeless three days. It was perfectly reasonable to want to be comforted, even if it meant him lowering himself to a child longing for their parent's support.
But there was nothing wrong with that, right?
Gon was still his friend. There was nothing wrong with wanting your friend to comfort you.
That's completely normal.
"Sure, Gon."
Gon scooted closer, even closer until their chests were pressed flush and their legs tangled up around each other, uncertain how to be positioned in the way they were laying together. Gon moved tentative at first; Killua remaining absolutely still so his friend could choose the way he wanted them to be, before those warm, strong arms pushed between the small spaces of Killua's armpits and grasped at the fabric on his back. Pale skin shivered but Killua continued to stay in place, watching attentively as Gon calculated their positions and factored in their own sizes until their legs were slotted together and foreheads leaning against another as a brace.
"Hey, Killua." Gon's breathy whisper blew hot on his nose, Killua's eyes fluttering shut at the soft sensation of air on his face. "Is this okay? Being this close?"
Killua didn't even need to think much on it to nod his head automatically, a sigh falling from his half-closed lips. His heart rate was accelerating by the second from such close physical contact, unable to be stopped. "Yeah." No.
"And what about this?" continued Gon as big hands slid across the junction of Killua's shoulders and up his partly exposed spine until those fingers caressed at the back of his neck. Killua hissed but did not shy away from the touch. "Is this okay too?"
"..Yeah." No.
Gon's fingers wiggled forward before carding through the longer-than-normal strands of silver hair gathered around the base of Killua's neck. He was due for a hair cut sometime soon. Goosebumps ran beneath the pads of Gon's fingers and he hummed, the barest of smiles flitting on the corners of his lips. He begun to rub circles across the back of his scalp, right in the most pleasurable spots that had Killua going lax in the knees and he wasn't even standing. "This too?"
"Y-yeah." No!
"All of this?" The rapid conjunction of Gon's frantic heart beat thundering against his ribs could be felt all the way through their clothes and back over to Killua, drawing a gasp from the white-haired teenager as Gon leaned in closer, sealing the space between them with their own bodies. The only thing that had yet to connect were their mouths and if Killua even dared move a centimeter their lips would be melting as one. "Everything I'm doing is okay with Killua?" That enticing, primal whisper bating Killua with his mystery taste, dying to get his hands, his mouth on it, all over it; and Killua fought the urge to just throw himself onto Gon then and there. When did the guy become such so good at seducing? "Does this make you feel good?"
"G-Gon." Killua reflexively began to lean back, as if terrified of his own feelings lurking in the back of his mind, but it was Gon who pulled him towards him and effectively cutting off further protest, further fight; as their lips met in a hard, forceful kiss. All the air Killua had been gathering up in anticipation was leeched away, gone, and the ex-assassin gasped again into the kiss which in turn allowed Gon's tongue to slide in and touch at his own. Killua wasn't sure how long it lasted; whether an hour or even just a minute, maybe even a second, that their tongues were getting tangled up, teeth gnashing, lips bruised from the rough colliding, and saliva pooling in a thick rope between them as they pulled away to both gulp in greedy lungfuls of air they'd lost from their kiss.
No. This isn't okay.
Yes. It is okay.
"Killua." said Gon, just once, and amber eyes stared determinedly into a dazed, unfocused blue. Where had all this confidence come from? Killua felt immobilized, torn apart by that secret crush for his best friend he wrote off a long time ago as being stupid, wrong, a mistake; and here it was returning full force and hard, telling him otherwise. Saying, letting him know, promising, that it was okay to want this, to want Gon still. After all they had been through, all the hurt and heart break and no more drugs or alcohol to come between them, no more distractions – would it finally be okay for Killua to pursue these feelings? Give into what he wanted?
Was this okay?
No.
Yes.
For some reason, Killua's tired and idle brain from the lack of his own narcotic wasn't functioning properly because he couldn't down right make up his mind about what he wanted. There was nothing logical coming to him, no reason or rhyme, or even excuses or opinions. He felt completely and utterly blank.
The single thing that lingered there was none other then Gon himself.
Just Gon. Only Gon.
Gon.
"Gon-" Killua began, opening his mouth wider to talk, to try and say something or anything for that matter, but Gon took the initiative; like maybe he knew how Killua felt in this situation and he was given silent permission to act out. Gon silenced Killua's own verse of his name with another kiss and that was all it took for the pair of boys to erupt into a frantic frenzy of grab and pull. Emotions boiled over like a volcano and burst from the top, a wildfire in their blood; an explosion of fire works. The countdown on their internal timers went off and click, they were at it.
Gon rolled Killua over onto his back, laying atop him, as blunt nails scrabbled and scratched across pale, porcelain skinned cheeks and another hiss bit the air between gritted teeth. Killua's own sharp fingertips clawed at Gon's jacket, his shirt, until there was nothing but bare caramel skin pressing him down into the mussed up leaf bed beneath them. His own clothes were quickly discarded, tossed aside, and Gon was dragging dark reddish lines across the newly exposed torso until Killua involuntary kicked out and whined so Gon had to pull away and miss taking a hit.
Instead, the tanner of the two dropped lower and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of Killua's shorts and pulled them away, not caring how far they went when thrown, before he leaned down and started pecking kisses around that flat, toned navel. Killua's hips bucked, a jerky moan wrenched behind his mouth concealed behind his wrist. A few experimental nips later had Gon gently peeling away the last layer that kept the Zoldyck from being totally bare to the world, pooling it at his thighs while his warm, moist lips led a trail of hungry saliva from his pelvis to the faint patch of pubic hair peeking out at him.
Nuzzling his nose into it, Gon inhaled deep and laughed, the silver hairs tickling at his nostrils. "Your pubic hair is soft and it smells a little sweet like your aura."
"S-shut up, idiot." Killua ground out between his teeth and leaned up off the ground just enough for his navy-eyed glare to reach Gon who only laughed more in return. "Stop smelling it like some fricken dog. You're a human, Gon. Not an animal."
Gon; against Killua's better judgment, proceeded to start lapping at the albino's halfhearted erection to prove a point and Killua's voice hitched as he twisted with another groan too quick for him to stifle. Killua's back thudded onto the forest floor and he arched, clean off the leaves while that tongue performed magic on the underside of his cock. If he wasn't partly hard before he definitely would be now. He groaned, hips wiggling, toes curling, and he gripped uselessly into the piles of leaves at his side until he managed to rip out clods of dirt and grass. "Fuck." Killua whimpered. Gon's mouth was sucking on his balls and Killua could feel the strange yet pleasant sensations shoot up his spine like a spark of electricity only better, "G-Gon. H-Holy shit, that feels good."
"Does it?" Gon's hot, teasing breath chuckled against the pinkish colored sack; that pale skin blushing almost as radiant as the noticeable red color peppering Killua's cheeks. "Killua looks like he feels good." Those pointed canine teeth nibbled around the shaft, giving it a few experimental hard sucks and Killua was moaning true, like a penthouse whore, and bucking into that mouth for more. Gon's fingers coiled around his length and squeezed hard, almost painfully, at the too-exuberant thrusts Killua did and the throb of Gon's hand on his swelling dick made him calm down, stilling with a huff. "Stop moving so much or I won't do anything."
"H-hard to do with your crazy teasing, moron." Gon's tongue probed around Killua's virgin hole and a low, throaty howl rumbled deep in Killua's chest when he jerked in surprise. "S-shit. G-Gon!"
The wet, thick limb pushed and prodded, slicking him so he was a shivering mess by the time Gon pressed forward and his tongue invaded that tight space Killua completely forgot could be used as a secondary option to penetrative sex. He'd always been focused on the female aspects of sex; never really thinking too much on the matter of what it was like between two men – not until he met Gon that is. But even still, casting aside his thoughts to think more about just how to even get Gon to acknowledge his undying love; never did he think much about how they'd be coming together as one in such a way.
Yeah, sure, Killua had his fair share of dirty thoughts; nasty and X-rated dreams, hell, all the pornographic media he's worked his way into watching, but they were so blurred out from his lack-thereof alcoholic haze that he couldn't seem to bring any of those juicy visuals up.
With the way he was feeling now though he was assured he'd be remembering very soon. Very soon, indeed.
"A-ahhnn.. Hnn." Killua gasped, shifted, squirmed, anything to get some friction and movement between him and wherever Gon was. And it worked, because Gon's tongue was dipping in and out and Killua was rocking against the slowly comforting intrusion and the sweet yet soft organ felt delicious between his thighs, better than he ever thought possible. "H-how the hell did you learn t-this, Gon?"
"It's a secret."
"F-fuck secrets." chided Killua, rising up to grip at the locks of black hair he found resting there with Gon lying between his parted legs, pulling and tugging on the unruly, coarse locks for support, "Don't keep s-secrets f- oh, right there -from me anymore. Tell me!"
Gon leaned up suddenly and Killua never realized he'd miss the feeling of that delicious tongue stuck in his very own asshole as much as he did now. "Fine. If Killua wants to know so bad, I asked Kurapika and he told me."
"Kurapika?!" Killua gaped openly, gums flapping like a helpless fish, "I mean, I could understand if Leorio the lecher would tell you but Kurapika? No way!"
"Kurapika's gay." said Gon, simply, before he placed two of his own fingers against his lips, licked once or twice, then popped them into his mouth to suck on. As soon as they were fully coated in a good mixture of saliva, he circled the tip of his forefinger around Killua's entrance and pushed in when it yielded to him. Killua's hiss was drowned out by Gon talking, humming in earnest, "He kind of has a secret crush on another man but he isn't sure how to go about it. He wouldn't tell me who, but I did ask him about gay sex."
Small, incomprehensible noises were Gon's reply, soon adding in a second digit when Killua seemed to start canting his hips along the thrusts of his first finger. As he pressed on, Gon licked his lips and amber eyes stayed focused on watching himself finger-fuck his friend, chuckling. "I wanted to know what and how you do it and Kurapika was hesitant at first to tell me but with the promise I'd always stay safe and use protection he finally conceded." Once Gon figured Killua was stretched conceivably well; judging by the way his body rattled and his engorged, needy member started leaking pre-cum at the tip, he pulled back and kicked off his own shorts and undergarments. Gon pulled a piece of squarish plastic from his discarded jacket, gazing appreciatively at the sweating, drooling, shaky mess that was Killua Zoldyck; once an assassin and cold blooded killer now a hormonal, desperate and needy guy just begging to be taken.
"H-hah.. hah.. Gon. Gon." Killua gulped for air, heart beat pulsing frantically against his chest and hand twisting knots in his own hair the more he pulled on it like it may keep his lust-filled mind under control. As amazing as it felt, as badly as he wanted all this; he couldn't come to the conclusion that this was still okay.
Is this really happening? Killua groaned both inwardly and out when Gon slid over him, into him, and filled up all the spaces Killua vaguely remembered had been empty for so long; until Gon was there to take up room and secure him a spot in his life, cover him up where Killua lacked. The cool, slick feel of the condom pulsing around the much hotter organ inside of him felt strange, foreign, and also oddly pleasant. Strong, arms coiled around his waist, pulling him in, shielding him from the world in that iron, reassuring grip and Killua felt safe. Safe and secure and still so alone.
Should we be doing this? Gon was moving, then, and it didn't take Killua long to adjust to the larger girth. Years of torture training had him withstood to immense pain and the agony that radiated between his thighs of being stretched abnormally so; was still much more bearable then Killua would have liked. He was moving and Killua fell into the rhythm, pathetic and needy and all sounds included, clutching to Gon like a lifeline he both wanted and was debatable on if he needed.
Are we doing the right thing? Swallowing down on his own spit, Killua unconsciously dug his nails into Gon's shoulder blades. He scolded himself for enjoying the hiss and groan of the tanner boy on top of him, fucking him into the grassy bed below, skin slapping and thighs smacking, slick with another sweaty skin overlapping their flushed, highly aroused bodies. Killua wouldn't deny it felt amazing, the jab and prod that ripped low, throaty cries unbidden from his throat whenever Gon thrust in a certain angle – had him seeing stars brighter then the ones in the night sky up above.
It felt like magic, like chemistry between them; and so right.
Yet, still so wrong.
As they began to reach their peaks, Killua's body consumed in the tidal wave that was Gon sweeping him away into the throws of ecstasy; he could only think.
As their mouths meshed into one, kissing and sucking and biting and battling each other for dominance and Gon was threading their fingers together in a mockery of what real love should be like, with no confession or promise safely sealed on either boy's lips, tattooed over their hearts – Killua wondered.
"K-Killua."
Is this okay?
"G-Gon!"
As Killua's orgasm crested with a final cry of submission and Gon's hot, pulsing seed breached the part of him he had been saving all along for that special someone; in this instance Gon, and he was taken over in act to claim its rightful thrown as the ruler to its prized kingdom; Killua repeatedly asked himself the same mantra over and over in his mind.
Is this really okay?
Only, the same two answers came back again and Killua still knew he was torn in two and still not entirely whole, not entirely full as much as he was still empty. Not yet.
Yes, this is okay.
When Gon pulled Killua into another kiss and their bodies picked up with renewed vigor; Killua knew they'd definitely wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight, at least. Regardless of the consequences.
No, it's not.