Chapter 5

I knew that Marissa's birthday was coming up the next Sunday, but try as I might, I couldn't think of a way to do something for her without Theresa finding out.

But then fate stepped in.

It was Theresa's aunt's silver wedding anniversary on that Friday evening. They lived in San Diego, and it was going to be a big affair. All the family had been invited and Theresa had assumed that I would go.

But it was the last thing that I wanted to do.

Much as I had always gotten on well with Theresa's mom, I knew that once we were surrounded by the family, all the questions would start about when we were getting married.

Her mom didn't push us, but I knew that she was a staunch Catholic. She didn't want her grandchild to be born out of wedlock. Once she had the might of the family behind her, the pressure would really be on.

And I didn't want to get married.

I was prepared to stand by Theresa for the sake of this baby.

But getting married was something else entirely.

We were too young.

Plus ... I didn't love her.

Surely that counted for something.

So when Theresa asked me to take Friday off because they wanted to travel to San Diego early in the day to help with the cooking and preparations, I quickly used work as an excuse not to go.

I pleaded that the project was already running behind time and that the boss would never let me have the time off. Plus, we couldn't afford to miss out on my pay from both Friday and the overtime from Saturday that I would miss as well, since they were staying overnight.

Then, of course, she offered to stay home with me.

But I didn't want that either.

I wanted some time on my own.

I was starting to feel claustrophobic around her, as if every move I made was being analysed.

The only time I could breathe freely was when I was at work ...

Or with Marissa ... but that was different.

Theresa tried to find someone else to drive her mother to San Diego early. She offered to wait until I got out of work, then we could go together and drive home after the party. But no one was available.

She even volunteered to drive her mother down on Friday morning and drive back to pick me up. But I convinced her that that was a lot of gas to use for one party, and we really couldn't afford it.

Eventually, she reluctantly agreed. She knew how hard I worked to put money away for the baby, and without her working, we needed every penny.

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to go.

Then there was the other aspect of the decision.

I'd be on my own on Friday night.

Well … hopefully not on my own.

But I wouldn't have to be home by eight.

We'd have all the time in the world.

---

I wait until Friday lunchtime, after I'm sure that Theresa has already left for San Diego, before I let Marissa know.

I'd been too scared that something would happen and Theresa might change her mind and not go. She had offered several times to stay behind and keep me company, which was nice of her, but something I didn't want for obvious reasons.

When I call Marissa at lunchtime, I tell her that I have a surprise for her and she instantly starts in on me, trying to find out what it is.

I smile as I listen to her entreaties and I contemplate keeping it a secret. She finally wears me down and I cave, telling her that I'm going to take her out for dinner as a birthday treat. She needs to pick the place, and it needs to be affordable. The Arches isn't in my price range, I remind her.

There's a moment of silence from the other end and I wonder if I've done something wrong. Maybe she already has plans for this evening.

"I know that your birthday's not until Sunday, but I thought that we could celebrate early," I explain.

"You remembered," she said softly.

"Of course I remembered."

It was more likely that I'd forget my own birthday before I'd forget hers.

"Surely you didn't think that I'd forget?" I ask, surprised by her comment.

"It seems that everyone else has. Summer has plans with the new guy that she's seeing that she says she can't get out of. And Caleb and Mom have gone away to some couples spa weekend thing in Palm Springs. Although thinking about it, maybe that's their present to me. Not having to put up with the two of them for the weekend is a bonus."

"We'll just have to make sure that we have fun tonight. I'm sorry that I can't be with you on Sunday, but maybe I'll be able to give you a call or something."

"I'll pretend that today's my birthday instead," she said sounding bright and excited by the prospect. "But I need to find somewhere that can serve us quickly so that I can get you home by eight."

When she finds out that I don't have a curfew for the night, I swear that I could actually hear the smile in her voice.

---

At four, I made my way to the local bar with the guys from work. They continued to bust my balls about the lunchtime calls, but at least it was all in fun. They'd given up trying to get me drunk. They knew that I would usually stay until just after five, which inspired them to rag at me about 'getting home to the little woman'.

If only they knew.

That was the last thing I wanted to do.

But going with them every Friday gave me the perfect cover for my visits with Marissa.

But tonight I didn't need cover.

I stayed for one drink and was out the door.

I couldn't wait to see Marissa and I'd called her to tell her to pick me up early.

She was waiting when I got to the corner. This time in some non-descript Ford.

"No Mustang?" I asked as I got into the car.

"I wasn't sure what you had planned so I thought a visit to my friend at Rent a Wreck might be a good idea."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to go home and shower," I asked. "I'm really dirty and I want to be respectable for your birthday dinner."

"You're fine the way you are. I'll take you anyway I can get you," she replied, a hint of innuendo in her words.

I glanced across at her wondering if I'd imagined it, but she hadn't taken her eyes from the road. Maybe it was my mind that was looking for suggestive hints from her.

She continued, "I have a few surprises of my own planned. You needn't bother, but if you want to clean up, that's fine."

"I'd feel better," I explain.

She nodded as she turned the car around and headed for Theresa's.

My mind instantly went into overdrive thinking about what she had planned. She looked great. She was dressed casually in a short denim skirt and a halter top, so I wouldn't have to get dressed up.

I didn't do dressed up.

We covered the distance quickly. When we pulled up in front of the house, I opened the door to get out, and I sensed Marissa's hesitation.

"I won't take long. I promise. We'll be out of here in no time."

"Should I just wait here?" she questioned.

"No. People will wonder what you're doing. They might think that you're casing the place."

"Won't they wonder about the strange car anyway?"

"In this? They'll just think that it's someone from work dropping me off. You may as well come in while you wait," I say, getting out.

I pause to unlock the door, and she reluctantly follows behind.

I open the door wide for her to enter before me.

"Do you want a drink or anything?" I ask, moving inside.

She shakes her head nervously.

"Just make yourself at home. I won't be long," I say. I head to the bathroom, stopping to grab some clean clothes on the way.

---

After a quick shower, I hastily pulled on jeans, a wife beater and a button down shirt, knowing that Marissa was uncomfortable waiting in the living room. I wondered what she had planned for us. I hoped that she understood that it would need to be fairly low key.

I didn't have any nice clothes with me here.

I had left them all in Newport.

I threw my dirty clothes into the laundry hamper and returned to the living room, only to find it empty.

I moved to the door, thinking that she might have retreated to the car, but she wasn't there either.

I turned back to the hallway wondering where she might have been and then it hit me.

I knew where she was.

The door at the end of the hallway was ajar. When I got to it, I gently pushed it open.

The mint green of the freshly painted walls greet me. She's standing in the middle of the room gently touching the crib that I'd put together last weekend.

She turns to look at me, a guilty look on her face and tears running silently down her face.

"It's beautiful," she said softly, her words coming out in broken pieces.

I couldn't say a word, but manage to silently nod my head.

"This wasn't supposed to happen. I was meant to be with you," she states gently, "If anyone should be having your baby, it should be me," she says and then corrects herself, "I want it to be me."

I allow myself a moment to picture Marissa pregnant with my child. I can feel the corners of my mouth turn up, but then quickly rid myself of the thought.

"No, you don't. You're too young."

"And you're not?" she asks incredulously.

"Yes. I'm too young too. But I didn't have a choice."

"Of course you had a choice."

I hang my head as the guilt washes over me.

What could I say?

I did have a choice.

Back when I decided to fuck Theresa.

I should have said no.

But I'd taken the opportunity for some mindless pleasure as an escape from my problems.

And look where I'd ended up.

I'd screwed up my life.

I'd screwed up Theresa's.

And it seemed that I'd screwed up Marissa's as well.

But she could still get out of it. She could move on. None of this had to be irreparable for her.

The tears were still moving silently down her face.

I wanted to take her in my arms but I was scared that if I did, I'd never be able to let her go.

"Why isn't it me? We nearly did it. So many times. But after the way that things turned out with Luke, I just wanted to wait. To be sure ..." she says.

I feel myself nod.

I wish that I'd waited.

I didn't think that I could feel worse or more guilty than I already had been, but I was wrong. I had hit a new low.

She looks at me sadly and then says forlornly, "I didn't want things to end up like … this."

"I know. But there's nothing that I can do about it. This baby could be mine. Even if it isn't, I can't let Theresa go back to Eddie and she can't manage on her own. There's no one else."

"So you'll stay with her even if the baby isn't yours?"

"I don't see that I have any other choice."

"You always have a choice," she said softly.

I realize that there's no point in us continuing this conversation. We're never going to agree. She doesn't understand what life is like for a fatherless child growing up in a place like Chino. We've been through it all before.

"Why don't we get out of here? We're supposed to be celebrating your birthday."

She nods.

"Sure," she says as she moves by me and out into the hall, wiping the tears from her face on her way.

I close the door to the baby's room behind me and we hastily leave the house, wanting to leave all thoughts of Theresa and the baby behind, at least for a few hours.