I wake early. It's habit now.
Theresa keeps telling me that it's good training for when the baby's born.
But the baby is not what I'm thinking about right now.
Somehow, during the night, Marissa has snuggled up to me. Her head is on my chest, my arm slung loosely around her.
It feels right.
Like she's meant to be there.
I don't know whether to be grateful for being able to cherish these few moments holding her before she woke, or feel sad that I didn't wake earlier so that I could have more of it.
We are both still fully clothed, but her halter top has shifted to one side giving me a delightful view of the swell of her breast.
I can't take my eyes away.
My body starts to react.
It's been so long since I've woken with morning wood that it feels almost foreign.
But I should know that waking with Marissa beside me would cause that.
Knowing that I can't let her wake up and realize the effect she's having on me, I slide quietly out of the bed and head for the shower.
A long cold one should do the trick.
Then I can get her to drop me back at Theresa's before work.
---
I'm standing under the stream of water, lost in my own daydreams when I feel her arms snake around me.
Turning swiftly, I try to distance myself in the small space.
"Marissa. Don't. We can't…."
"Why can't we?" she asks simply, standing there naked before me.
I tear my eyes away from her body, trying to focus on her face alone, "You know why."
"No I don't. You'll do it with your 'friend', but you won't do it with me? How does that work, Ryan? Did I ever mean anything to you?"
"Of course you did. You meant … mean, everything to me. I never wanted to hurt you. But doing this will fix nothing."
"It will fix me. You have no idea how jealous I get when I think about how Theresa knows you in ways that I never got to. Don't you understand that I want you? I want to make love to you. To know what it feels like to have you inside me. Don't worry. I know that you'll go back to Chino and Theresa. I'm under no misapprehensions about that. But you could at least give me this memory to hold on to."
She stands naked before me, the spray of the water streaming over her body, and I all I want to do is give in. To have her. To hold her. But I can't. I have no idea how I find the strength to resist.
"Don't you realize how bad my life is right now? The only thing that would make it worse would be if you got pregnant."
I watched her recoil as if I'd slapped her.
"Well, thanks. You're okay with taking care of a child that's probably someone else's, with a woman who is supposedly only your 'friend', and the only thing that could make your life worse would be for us to make a baby. That really tells me where I stand."
"No. It's not like that," I try to explain. How did things turn so quickly?
"Then what's it like Ryan? I'm sorry. I don't understand," she says, stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel to cover herself.
I don't know how to get through to her.
"I just can't take anymore right now. I've screwed up enough lives. I don't want to screw up anymore. You still have a chance to escape all this. I can't."
"Fine," she says angrily. "Get dressed. I'll take you home."
I can't take that word anymore.
"It's not my home. A home is where people love. This room is more my home than Theresa's will ever be, because you're here…..with me."
She stares at me processing my words. Slowly she nods and I can almost see the anger deflate in her.
"Wherever we're together …. That feels like home," she says softly, all the fight from a moment ago now dissipated.
"I know," I agree softly. "For me, too. But I still can't do this. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Theresa."
Marissa looks back at me, making sure to make eye contact for clarification.
"I'm sick of hearing about Theresa. Get your things together and we'll get out of here."
---
She drove me straight home. The drive was silent and tense.
I have no idea what she's thinking.
But there's nothing I can do.
She dropped me off at the usual spot a couple of blocks from Theresa's.
As I opened the door to get out she said, "For what it's worth, I wouldn't have ended up pregnant. Mom insisted that I go on the pill as soon as she heard about Theresa. You could have let your dick do the thinking this time without having to face the consequences."
I nod my head.
I would have loved to have taken her up on her offer.
But it still wouldn't have been right.
There's nothing I can say.
There's nothing I can offer her.
"Have a Happy Birthday tomorrow," I offer lamely through the window.
She glares at me, puts the car in drive, and floors the gas to get away.
---
I found out much later from Summer, that when she got home that day she accepted DJ's invitation to dinner.
They fucked for the first time on her birthday.
---
THE END
A/N: I know that this won't be to everyone's liking but it really was the only possible outcome that I could see if I wanted to keep the ficlet in canon. It was a difficult task for me as I'm usually about the happily ever after but this was such a sorry time for Ryan and I wanted to try to imagine some of what he must have been going through.
I know that it hasn't been very popular from the lack of reviews left for it, but I hope that at least some of you enjoyed it.